Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and dating

When do you get in touch with a friend you recently hooked up with for more?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:59:27 -0800

What's the protocol on calling and/or texting for a booty call with a friend you've recently hooked up with? After a brief but intense period of sexual tension/flirting, a lady friend of mine and I decided to just go for it. We enjoyed ourselves, she stayed the night (including a 5am repeat performance), and the next morning was only slightly awkward. We both agreed it was a physical thing, but we wouldn't let our friends know. We discussed the possibility of future hookups, and she even texted me the next day to joke about setting up "illicit trysts."

So here's the thing: it's been almost a week, and neither of us have called or texted the other since the day after. Considering we only talk once a week anyway, and we never really flirted except in person, I'm inclined to think that's not unusual. But I'm also not sure if I'm making it look as if I'm not interested in another night of fun. I know there's various "rules" for waiting after a first date or a number at a bar, but do those apply to someone you've known for a over a year? Do I wait until we see each other again (around friends, so on the DL) this weekend to set something up, or should I make with the the sexting--in the parlance of our times--already?

I was so horny it made me sad.

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:38:03 -0800

Depressionfilter: Help me understand a sudden increase in libido and its emotional aftermath. Context: Male, British, 26, straight, depressed (but not too badly, but then again maybe terribly).

I've been single for over three years. No sex, no kissing, nothing. No attempts made to be otherwise. No approaches from any women. Until recently, this hasn't been a problem. My sex drive has been easily managed, and my loneliness has been kept in check by my depressive thinking (women are beautiful magical wonderful creatures, but they'll never want you, ever, because you're awful, so go read a book or just die or something). This was all fine and well, or at least bearable, until a few weeks ago.

Then, out of nowhere, my sex drive exploded. It was like when you hear about a transgender person first being given testosterone - throbbing pulse, mind flooded with pornographic visuals, sexual desire like I've never felt before. Everything made me think of sex. I practically wanted to chase after women and start humping their legs in the street. It was absolutely horrendous. I could barely think. This lasted for about two weeks then finally abated.

Since then my sex drive has still been higher than it was before, but it's no longer driving me crazy. And, heartbreakingly, my perception of women (and myself) has changed slightly. Instead of seeing myself as fundamentally broken, awful, and disgusting, I've been thinking that, hey, I have a lot of good qualities and there must be a girl out there who'd think I'm okay. And instead of seeing desirable women as something completely alien, like a unicorn, I'm seeing them as real people who might, just might, maybe, one day, be interested in me. This is a big shift, and I suppose it's a good thing, but it brings into sharper focus how lonely I am and how much I crave sexual release, intimacy, and companionship. (Although, clearly, I'm not in the right place for a long-term-serious-relationship, and nor do I want one.) It's as if almost overnight I switched from being one of those sad, lonely guys to being one of those sad, desperate guys. And it hurts.

So I have two questions for you. One, what actually happened here? Two, what should I do next?

[And a few specifics about the depression: I think I've been suffering from a long-term non-crippling depression. I am functional, but self-esteem is an issue. I saw my GP a few months ago and he suggested computerised CBT, which I've singularly failed to engage with. I'm thinking of going back to see him soon.]

Disposable email at nonboinker3000000000@googlemail.com

[I asked this [http://ask.metafilter.com/134559/Too-horny-Cant-think-Need-sex] question previously, when I was in the grip of mind-warping hornyness. I'm quite ashamed of it now. I think this new question is more honest, but to me writing always feels like a kind of lying.]

Thank you.

Should I consider dating a woman?

Anonymous — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:16:03 -0800

Is the idea of experimenting with a same sex relationship even smart when you aren't sure it is something you would consider in a long term way? I'm in my late 20s and have a what I think a fairly average sex life so far. I've had about 10 sex partners (all male) and dated plenty, some seriously. (I'm single at the moment though.) I definitely enjoy sex with men and am attracted to them, but I also find myself attracted to women, or at least the idea of women. At least half of my fantasies/sex dreams are of women, and I enjoy lesbian pornography. (I don't believe this is uncommon though.) I, like many women, have had the random kissing with a woman at a bar whilst drinking a handful of times, but that is about as far as anything has gone. As for my orientation, I would probably hasten a guess that I am probably bisexual, but even that seemed cliche somehow.

I think a same sex relationship is something I would be interested in trying but there are a couple questions I have:
1. Is wanting to experiment in something like this insulting to a woman I potentially dated (or whatever it would be)? I would obviously be totally upfront about my intentions but still. I know a lot of people use same sex experimentation around kind of like tiny dogs in purses in that they are trendy and that isn't my goal at all.
2. How would one go about this to begin with? I live in a fairly small city where everyone seems to know everyone else, so there would be no sense of privacy, which would be my preference until I established if it was something that was working. Yes, I know this sounds very "in-the-closet" but it is what it is.
3. Has anyone here done this? How did it work? Are you glad you did it?

throwaway email address: once.you.go.anonymous@gmail.com

Men: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's fuck!) Women: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's be friends!)

Eleutherios — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:11 -0800

Previously dated men, now wants to date women. Problem: I can't tell when women are interested in me or if they just want to be friends. I seem to be pretty good in picking up on clues that a man is sexually interested in me, women not so much.

I've had scenerios show up over and over with men and women:

-Being stared at in a bar/party/club
-Being told that I'm attractive/sexy
-Being messaged on online dating sites
-Having a friend of their's introduce me ("Hey are you single? If yes, my friend would like to meet you!)
-Someone inviting me over their house to fix dinner for me
-Being grinded on the dance floor

Whenever men show the above behaviors, it almost always leads up to them wanting to pursue a relationship and/or have sex with me. I've always reject those advances, because I'm not sexually attracted to men, eventhough I pretended to be for a while. I was in a few relationships with men, but they were sexless.

Whenever women show the above behaviors I get a different result. Unlike with the guys, I don't show coolness when women act like that around me, I actually turn up the heat. Once I show my attraction, I'm told that they are looking for friendship and not anything more. That's if I'm lucky, there were a few occasions where women just walked away from me.

This has caused me a lot of frustration and confusion, the fact that the very same behaviors has led to very different outcomes, depending on the gender involved. To add to the confusion, whenever I show those above behaviors, I am definately sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I would never invite a woman over to my house (knowing that we are both lesbians) to cook for her, if I wasn't trying to have sex with her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. It would just be awkward.

I've been told that I think a lot like a guy, so I think this is messing up my perception a bit. For those who date women, regardless of your gender, how do I tell the difference between friendly interest and sexual interest? Please help a woman who's new to this scene.

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask?

blackcatcuriouser — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:37:22 -0800

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask? My ex and I had a mutual, amicable breakup about 7 months ago, after 3 good years together. We've known each other for almost 10 years and have been best friends. We've remained friendly throughout our breakup - still seeing each other on occasion to have dinner or coffee or see a film while maintaining a respectful distance. We've both spent most of this time apart doing our own thing, getting out more and meeting new people. We haven't talked about other people we've been with during our breakup period, although a couple of months ago he did bring it up. I was honest and told him I'd slept with one person but didn't go into any detail. He told me he hadn't slept with anyone. I feel he was being dishonest, and know from a few external sources that he has in fact been involved with a few girls since our breakup - the level of those involvements is uncertain. I didn't press the issue because I didn't feel it was my right to probe any further. It has, after all, been his right to see/sleep with whomever he likes. We've been broken up for months. I decided to leave it at that. I didn't need to know and at that point, preferred not to know.

Lately, however, we've been seeing each other more and have talked about getting back together. This led to things getting physical again. We haven't come to a decision just yet, although it seems we're leaning towards a reunion in the near future. Here's my problem: Now that we're sleeping together again and considering starting over, I'm absolutely DYING of curiosity about his exploits during our time apart. Every day I spend hours fixated on this - who'd he sleep with? Who did he kiss? How many did he sleep with? How many did he kiss? Did he actually like anyone? Did he hook up with that friend-of-a-friend I'd suspected he was spending time with over the summer? It is all-consuming. I need to know. Honestly, what he did (unless it's totally, thoroughly deplorable) won't keep me from wanting to try at working things out with him. It's not about judging him. We've known each other for so long and have known every little thing about each other - until now.

I have no problem telling him about my involvements while we were apart. I'd really like to have an honest conversation about it (barring all the unnecessary nasty details) because it's been a time in my life during which I've learned a lot about myself and relationships. I get the feeling that he'd rather not discuss it at all and feels uncomfortable with the topic - or that he'd rather denydenydeny to spare any negative feelings on my part. But I just want him to be honest. I want us to be honest. I feel I should know if he's slept with anyone else for my own sexual health considerations, but I want to know more than that. I want to know who and when. I want to know who he's just fooled around with. I want to know if he went on any dates. I wouldn't be angry or sad or lash out at him - I just want to know.

How do I bring this up? Should I bring it up? Do I just let the past be the past and move forward with him? How do I address the nagging curiosity?

Too horny. Can't think. Need sex.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 11:34:22 -0800

I'm a mid-20s British male and I haven't had sex for about three years. Manual Overides are barely taking the edge off these days and the horniess is getting so bad I can't think clearly. Help me get laid. Complications inside. Since the end of my last long-term relationship I haven't had sex, kissed a girl, or been on a date. I was pretty good at being a boyfriend, living together, and all that stuff, and I hope to do it again someday but I'm way out of practice right now. I recognise that there are underlying issues with the three year gap (social isolation, self confidence, and so on) but what I'm asking for today is some help in figuring out a way to get laid so that I can actually think straight, instead of just sitting here feeling my pulse throb and my mind swim with thought-blocking sex chemicals.

I'm hoping mefi can help me think outside the box (and therefore get back inside the box, hee hee), but I realise this is probably a stupid question - sorry. Also, I understand that I'm coming at this backwards and that solving some of my other problems would probably indirectly resolve this one, but just give a pass on that one for now please - I'm working on them.

Anyway, here are the options as far as I can see followed by the issues I have with them. Maybe I'm missing something (please Jesus, let it be so).

---
Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
B. Broke.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.

---
Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
G. Terrified.

---
Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

---
Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
B. Morally confusing.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
E. Terrified.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.

Okay, so those are the options that I've worked out, none of which seem realistic for me right now. For your info I'm overweight (but quite tall with it), not pretty but (I hope) not ugly either, a 'nice guy', big, bald and perhaps a bit unapproachable, and have some not-crippling but not-insignificant self-esteem issues (as I'm sure you've figured out). I look older than I am too. I keep hoping I'll have some serendipitous magical dreamgirl encounter like in Garden State, Lost In Translation (though, less chaste), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Me and You and Everyone We Know and movies like that, but I'm getting tired of making eyes at pretty bookshop sales assistants.

Disposable email at: M8R-758isl@mailinator.com

Finally, if this looks pretty well organised for someone who claims he can't think - I jerked off earlier (sorry), and this took me about two hours to write.

I want a physical thing, no more, no less

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:32:52 -0800

How do I identify and meet women interested in a one night stand? For the past few years, I've found myself in a number of relationships where my partners don't want to have sex. They'll do everything to remain technical virgins (oral, mutual masturbation, etc.), but penetrative intercourse is out. For some reason, I seem to keep meeting these sorts of women when I go out looking for a girlfriend.

At this point, I'm single and ready to have some fun. I've been thinking of going to bars and other places where I might meet women who are interested in a purely sexual relationship.

My questions are:

1. How can I tell if a woman is interested in having a one night stand?

2. Where can I meet women who are interested in only a sexual relationship? For example, does craigslist Casual Encounters actually work?

3. If I suspect a woman may be interested in a one night stand, then how can I proposition her for this?

If you need to follow up, throwaway e-mail is mansextonight at gmail.com.

An old-fashioned girl

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:46:18 -0800

The last time I was single and dating, Ronald Reagan was president. Have recommended (and practical) safe sex practices changed in the last 25 years? I am back on the dating scene after a marriage of nearly 20 years and a year of intentional celibacy. The last time I was having relatively casual sex was in the mid-late 80s when I was in college and hanging out at the women's center with its safe sex classes. This was the "no glove, no love," "wrap that rascal," and dental dams/non-microwaveable plastic wrap era. Fluid exchange was pretty much the promise-ring of my social circle, granted only after six months of monogamous latexed sex and a second round of testing (OK, we were kids who followed rules, but that was how it was).

That being the case, I could use some help on current expectations and practices. I can handle the "getting dates" part, but what supplies does the modern woman carry? What about getting tested & asking about a prospective partner's status - is this still a reasonable topic of conversation? Personal anecdotes welcome, along with links, etc.

Possibly relevant: I'm female, mid-40s, interested in both men and women in a wide age range, not insistent on monogamy, and kinky (no intentional bloodplay/piercing, and I'm hypercareful with unintentional blood). I'm in the US but travel a lot, so info on what's expected elsewhere is also good - particularly Europe and Aus/NZ.

Thanks in advance. Throwaway email: metafilteranon@gmail.com.

Are those gosh durned kids really having as much free love as the Tv says?

reenum — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:24:24 -0800

How accurate are the media portrayals of young people engaging in risky sexual behaviors? Recently, I've noticed that a lot of media outlets seem to be sensationalizing the sexual practices of people in their teens and 20's. These sources would have you believe that these groups are always 'hooking up', they prefer oral sex to kissing, and that now engage in sexual activity first and date if the experience is positive. Things along those lines.

I'm 30, so I was a teen in the early 90's. I find it hard to believe that sexual mores have changed all that much in the last 15 years. Obviously, I don't get much action, so I can't speak from experience. Have things really become as open and free as the media would have us believe?

Are there any studies or news stories that give statistics of how prevalent sexual activity and risky sexual behaviors are in teens and twentysomethings? Anecdotes are also welcome.

What to do before sunrise?

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:44:56 -0800

How do I make the most of a new (but doomed) relationship? I gave a guy my number recently, anticipating that it would be a one night thing, as I am moving very far away soon to start my doctorate (he knew this from the get-go). Unfortunately (or fortunately?) we discovered we really like each other, and have been inseparable ever since. However, I am unwilling to give up a free ride plus a generous monthly stipend at my dream school for such a new relationship. He is also planning on starting school elsewhere soon. We have about three weeks to go. We agreed to use that time to enjoy ourselves and try to end things on a good note, as a relationship we can remember fondly. We aren't ruling out the possibility that our paths may cross later.

He is pretty introverted and shy, and doesn't have a lot of confidence, which is what I like least about him, especially since it seems to carry into the bedroom to some degree. He is very attractive, smart, and extremely kind, which I make sure to tell him as much as possible. I suspect he is less sexually experienced than I am, and things have been very vanilla so far. I enjoy being dominated, and I haven't seen any signs that he's interested in that yet.

So, two questions-
How can I make the most of our short time together?
How can I coax his more sexually adventurous side out? I do plan to talk to him, but ideas for how I could frame it or other nonverbal ways of doing this would be appreciated.

How do I get back into the dating world?

plungerjoke — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:20:19 -0800

How do I get back into the dating world? For the past couple of years, I lived with my parents and thus, I did not date very much. There were a few "encounters," and a couple of missed opportunities, but nothing other than that. It has been two years since I've had sex, and it seems to be seriously ruining my game. I'm not the most fit or attractive person in the world, but I'm tall, quite funny, and generally sharp. I've never had an abundance of success with women, but I'm pretty sure there is no good reason that I should not be at least casually dating someone. Or a few people!

Is there any way to re-teach myself how to date without actually DATING? Because right now, the words do not come to me while trying to communicate with a nubile female. Do I just have to wait for sex to randomly find me in order to get my game back? haha...

I tried the book intimate connections at the suggestion of a mefi'er, and it has helped some.

thanks for your responses.

the DDD's of Love

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 07:19:56 -0800

Is there such a thing as a dating site for ONLY big breasted women? I think at this point, I know what it is, really, that I want in a woman. I want good conversation. I want a darker sense of humor. And I want someone who can be ready to leave the house in 10 minutes flat.

And physically, what I'm attracted to, for whatever reason, are really large natural breasts. And no amount of searching for specific body types has helped me find these women on traditional dating sites

So my question is: do LEGIT specific sites exist that cater to women with big breasts and the men who want to date them?

I'm not supposed to kiss through Saran wrap, am I?

Anonymous — Fri, 15 May 2009 21:33:55 -0800

I'm about to enter the college dating scene - or sex scene, I guess. I know to always use condoms - but what about kissing? I know diseases can spread orally, but I never hear about anyone worrying about kissing. Is there something that I somehow have never realized? Lets just assume that I will be having at least one one night stand, or same-person-every-now-and-then in my life: do I kiss the other person? What do people generally do anyway - avoid deep kissing, and just do light pecking kisses?

In the past, I've only kissed and had sex with boyfriends. I am totally at a loss when it comes to the kissing protocol of casual dating.

FWIW, I'm a straight girl - though if the opportunity presented itself and was awesome enough, I wouldn't mind kissing another girl.

Throwaway email: tempmefimail@fastmail.fm

Haven't dated since Highschool... help!

Anonymous — Sat, 02 May 2009 18:24:36 -0800

I'm in my mid 20's, and I haven't dated since high school. How do I do this right? (uh, NSFW) I haven't dated since high school. My high school relationships were pretty decent, I had 3 that lasted almost a year, plus the usual fooling around in between. But I was a pretty good girl back then.

Since then, however, I haven't been in a relationship. Haven't met a guy at a bar, haven't even kissed someone, or held a man's hand. Why? Well, I went to a private University, and since then I've traveled/lived internationally a lot, and the few expats in those places are usually much, much older than I. And also, I'm just not the kind of girl who's into anonymous one night stands, or being with a guy "just because". I value relationships, so I'll wait until a decent guy comes along.

Fast forward to now. (my friends want to set me up with a guy I met last week, who I clicked really well with, but this is also a general question) How do I date like an adult? I'm a pretty well balanced, intelligent, mature individual. It's just that my most recent relationship started with "Will you go out with me?", ended with "My mom says we have to break up", and was filled with lots of notes passed in class, and hiding from parents, in between. Ridiculous.

And... about sex. My last tromps? With a barely-pubescent highschool boy on prom night, we had no idea what the hell we were doing, and no, we didn't have sex. I'm a virgin.

Any, any advice at all is appreciated, and I feel like my questions might not even have specific answers, but here's a few to get you started:

-How do typical adult relationships happen? ("typical" is probably the wrong word, though, I know there isn't one)

-I feel like, if I do begin a relationship, I may at first be either highly overwhelmed, or incredibly "giddy"... not because I'm not ready, but because it's been so long since I've been with someone. Excitement is good, but I don't want to push a guy away. How do I keep my emotions/expectations realistic?

-sex: Aside from the million obvious ways, how are sexual encounters with a 25 or 30 year old man different than those with a 15 year old boy? I'm a (technical) virgin, and plan on staying that way till marriage, ( if a guy doesn't understand that, he's not the kind I want to be with anyways), but I'm fully open to the rest of the options. I just don't know what to expect in bed or on the way to bed, and what he expects from me (communication is key, though, I know).

I'll leave this for now. I feel as though I may be coming across a little more "overthinker" than I really am, but this is ASKmifi, so I figured I'd just lay it all out there. Communication in a relationship is number one. I know that. And I'm not rushing into things; life and love will happen as they may.

So, mefites. Advice? Suggestions? Anecdotes? THANK YOU, in advance!

Late 20's, sudden drop in libido

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 08:32:28 -0800

I'm a healthy 27 year old guy, but my libido has plummeted just in the past 7 months. No other relevant changes that could explain why, and I feel totally fine otherwise. Any explanations? And how do I fix this? The timeline corresponded roughly with my breaking up with my girlfriend and also moving to a new city to begin law school. I might attribute the drop in sex drive to stress from my first year of law school, but I'm actually having a great time. I'm working hard, but I feel no more stressed or anxious than usual (I'm generally a pretty relaxed person). Other than this one change, everything else is totally normal. I'm in great shape, I've been able to work out and add some muscle, my moods and happiness are not noticeably different than they've ever been before, and I have no other complicating health factors that could explain things. No medications or drugs of any sort.

I still have a very strong desire to meet women, date them, etc. Hell, now more than ever, since I'm finally single. But my desire has morphed into an almost abstract, Platonic one, without any strong urge for the physical act of sex, at least when I'm there with a woman. My masturbation frequency has gone for 4-6 times a week down to once or twice a week at most, and it often seems like a bit of a chore. My last four sexual encounters during this time period have ended somewhat embarrassingly, as I've either been unable to achieve and sustain an erection when I needed to (strangely, it would often occur spontaneously after the initial flurry of activity had died down), or been unable to orgasm. Each time was preceded by pretty major alcohol intake, which is certainly a confounding and possibly aggravating factor. Although these women were all very beautiful, I didn't know any of them very well, or have any strong connection to them. I felt somewhat detached and removed during each encounter, mostly marveling at my lack of responsiveness and visceral enthusiasm while tangled up with a young, pretty girl. It makes me wonder if my sex drive has just become more psychological and less physical in nature, since I never had this problem with my last steady girlfriend.

Anyway, psychological probing aside, I'd mostly just like to fix this so that the next time I'm with a new girl, I'll be able to perform as usual. I've already decided that I need to 1). not masturbate at least a few days before going on a date, and 2). not drink as much alcohol. Any other suggestions? Any diagnoses? Is this just what happens as you age -- your desire for just any pretty female body becomes less overwhelming, in favor of a more mental sort of attraction to people you've "bonded" with already?

Can you un-give the milk?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 08:11:26 -0800

Is sleeping together right away a dealbreaker? Okay, this is sort of WillHeCallFilter, and I know you can't answer that, but...

I met a guy at a party and we hit it off, and when he asked for my number he also asked if he could stay the night. And I said yes. Which is fine--it was definitely enjoyable and I have no ethical or aesthetic objections to sluttin' it up in such a fashion. But I *like* like the guy, and would be interested in dating him. The next morning, I told him he should call me, and he said he would, but a lot of my friends have said that I've taken myself out of his dating pool by fucking right away and the best I could hope for now is a booty call. Of course all you can give me are generalizations, but, uh, generally, is this true? If this kind of thing comes up in the future, should I marshall my sadly lacking impulse control and turn the amorous party down? Is there anything I can do remedy this situation now? Am I a silly ball of neuroses? (Okay, I actually know the answer to that one already.)

(Oh, we're both in our early/mid 20s.)

Let's have sex--Maybe.

oceanview — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 12:27:47 -0800

Would it be OK to ask a guy to maybe have sex with me? A short relationship ended recently (4 months), and I'm missing sex. I haven't had it in 3 weeks and it's driving me nuts. I'm very shy and find it hard to flirt and find "new prospects", so I'm considering sending an email to this guy I briefly dated last year, but who I didn't end up sleeping with. There was an obvious physical attraction, but we drifted apart for one reason or another--plus I was more prudish back then. I want us to meet up for a drink, and then if we're both still attracted, go back to my place and have sex. The only reason I'm hesitating is--what if it turns out I'm no longer attracted to him? I don't want to jerk him around. I don't want to vaguely ask him out for drinks because he might think I'm looking to possibly date again--which I'm not sure either of us would want.

So, I'm wondering: would you feel jerked around if a woman told you she was looking for action, wanted to get together to see if there was still an attraction, and it turned out that she wasn't feeling it after all?

Teach a socially-slow guy how to get from "flirting" to "hooking up."

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:09:40 -0800

Teach-a-Martian-to-socialize-filter: moving from flirting to "hey, come back to my place." So there was a party last week, a big one at a friend's house back in the city I went to college in. I - a 20something, just-graduated male - was flirting with a girl. Eventually the girl left with her friends. The hostess, a good friend of mine from college, IMed me this morning and mentioned that the girl was confused and annoyed that I didn't actually hook up with her. And I realized, as she said this, that I have no idea what I should have done, because I wanted to make a move at the time, but didn't know what a move would look like.

Now, I won't be seeing this girl again any time soon as she lives Far Away; it was just an encounter that made me realize I have a problem. I'm a relatively late-socially-blooming nerd, and while I have no problem engaging in light flirtation, and I long ago learned how to ask girls out, I have no clue how to specifically move from a state of "I think we might be kinda into each other" into "hey, let's go hook up." Obviously people vary, but I have no idea what the 'standards' are here, or how it could be reasonably approached. I guess I'm looking for is the hookup equivalent of what "hey, what are you doing on Saturday?" or "Do you want to grab coffee sometime?" are for dating, eg, ways to progress from a general interest to a more explicit "Let's take action based on this interest." I may or may not also be missing a skillset for taking light flirtiness and adding a more sexual edge to it; my formative years were around people who were a lot more socially conservative than I am, who - for example - treated guys touching girls during flirtation as crude and universally rude; years later I'm discovering that there obviously are times and situations when it's perfectly acceptable. Tips on making my flirting-game a little more direct would also be useful, so I can better establish whether there is interest.

To clarify a couple of points: Yes, I'm also a bit annoyed that the girl in question didn't make a move herself if she wanted it; for the sake of this question please ignore that fact. I should be able to make moves myself, regardless of her willingness to. Also, please no "do you really want to do this," I've had my share of extra-relationship hookups, but always with friends or exes; never with someone I've just met at a bar, or party, and am hitting it off with. I'm basically looking to fill in a gap in my social skills; I feel like a guy who owns a toolbox, and has it pretty well-stocked, and then somebody says "Dear god, you walked by all those nails, why didn't you hammer them in?" and he realizes he doesn't even own a hammer. Or something.

My locally-available friends are no good for this as 'models' for me: not many are single, and of those who are, most are relatively homebodyish types who don't care for parties or the like. I'd also rather not go asking them directly; I'm redfaced enough over this to hide my identity from some Internet Strangers.

How do I turn a one-night stand into more?

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:29:25 -0800

How do you turn a particularly enjoyable one-night stand into something more? Lots of overanalysis and fairly NSFW details inside. Background details: I am female, straight, and in my early 20s.

A few nights ago, a close friend of mine had a few people over for drinks. One of them is someone I've met on multiple occasions. I'd call this guy a close acquaintance, but not a friend, since we don't see each other outside of social situations involving our mutual friend. We've always had things to talk about, though, and we flirted pretty egregiously at a party last year, but nothing came of it because I was seeing someone. I really enjoy talking to this guy, and it seems he enjoys my company as well. We have a lot of common ground, and tend to settle into an easy banter.

Aaaaanyway. So we're at our friend's apartment, and the booze is flowing pretty freely. At some point this guy and I make a toast to rough sex, though now I'm not certain how that particular subject came up. Oops. Someone pops a movie in, and all of a sudden we're holding hands (which has never been a part of any drunken hookups I had hitherto experienced, so I mention it here fwiw).

Long story short, we go back to his place and proceed to have the roughest, most violent sex of my life. I'm talking slapping, punching, biting, the works. I've been hit during sex before, and knew I enjoyed being submissive, but I've never reciprocated the beat-down before. It was more wrestling than sex, and it was awesome.

We exchanged numbers in the morning, and he kissed me thoroughly when I left. I would really, really like to see him again, but don't really know the protocol for turning a one-night stand into a more. Do I just come clean and say, "Listen, I still have bruises and would like more, plzkthnx?" or should I suggest something more along the lines of an actual date? I would not be adverse to a real date, since he's a pretty cool guy, but I have no idea how well that would go over. Should I take the fact that he's made no further overtures save responding to one of my texts as a sign? Should I wait a couple of days and see what transpires? Guys, when you have one-night stands, do you allow for the possibility of more? Should I just chill the fuck out and write it off as a learning experience?

Is it normal to maintain multiple casual relationships year after year?

Macallister Vagabond — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 08:42:22 -0800

I am looking for opinions on my lifestyle of multiple casual relationships.. Is it healthy to be inherently against a committed relationship because you enjoy the company of new people quite frequently? A brief overview of my lifestyle:

I'm 26 years old. I have had three committed relationships in the past; the latest of which ended because I was not prepared for the type of commitment she was looking for. OK, it happens.

Now, for the past two years or so I have fallen into a pattern of meeting people, spending time getting to know them, becoming intimate, and then moving on. It has always been cordial. In other words, these said new people know it is casual and hearts have been spared. There are never any secrets. These relationships usually take place concurrently.

These relationships usually sort of fade out but I always remain friendly with just about everyone I come across. They are virtually carefree; I've never been in a fight of jealousy or anger with any of my friends.

I have no trouble meeting women; I'm decent enough looking and personable. I always have plenty to talk about so the majority of my dates turn out fantastic.

I am extremely happy. I'm independent, I have a good job, and I take good care of myself.

I'm curious to hear if this sort of a thing is healthy. I know it's not entirely normal - I'm basically obsessed with meeting new people of different backgrounds. I like to hear everyone's story. The idea of settling down with someone and losing the privilege to live as I see fit just plain sucks (Come on, you can't continue meeting too many new people when you settle down - jealousy, envy, anger are like gravity here)

The gray area I'm looking for opinions on is with respect to intimacy - Is it unhealthy to continue on this way? Shouldn't I be looking to settle down with someone? Why do I lose interest so quickly? Is this lifestyle the key to my current happiness? Was I constructed without the love bone?

I'm not looking for the magic bullet answer here, I'm more interested in an involved discussion or personal anecdotes. Thanks for reading.

Making Out, Leveling Up

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 09:13:33 -0800

When it comes to the hot-'n'-heavy, which is better: going too far and being told "no," or stopping short? Suppose I am dating a girl. (Which I'm not at the moment.) God willing, at some point we start making out: kissing, touching, whatever.

Which is a wiser course of action:

1) Push the envelope until I'm told "no," at which point I back off like the gentleman I am.
2) Stop short of what I guess her limit is.

As a neurotic twerp, I've always been obsessed with how my actions influence others' perception of me. I've feared pushing the envelope because I feel too aggressive. OTOH, I've feared stopping short because I feel too passive or that I'm bailing out. MeFi ladies: what does "no" mean to you? What does it mean if you don't have to say it?

Casual to something else

KCMOwriter — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:38:05 -0800

I'm 48 (he's 61) and this is the first "casual" relationship I've ever been in. Next time I see him, I'm going to tell him it's just not working for me. How likely is it that what started out as casual can turn into something more, which is what I would like? I've figured out I'm not so comfortable in bed unless I really know someone and have an emotional connection. Even though it's casual, we've committed to not sleeping with anyone else. He just doesn't contact me for 10 days at a time, doesn't know me: my joys, hopes, fears, life.

I'd like something more than a wonderful evening of conversation, fun and then sex (but I'm not looking for marriage). Is it possible to move from one type of relationship to another?

One unhealthy relationship after another.

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 09:22:47 -0800

I've become involved in another unhealthy relationship. What do I do, and how do I avoid it next time? I was undecided about about asking this question anonymously or not, but I decided to go anonymous after Googling my account name and was astonished.

I am the same person who posted this question.

and another regarding how to cut an ex who wouldnt stop contacting me from my life.

So after deciding to cut my ex out of my life, and the other person mentioned in the first question, I tried to depend on myself, carry on the single life and have fun.

I started what was supposed to be a casual no strings attached relationship with someone I'd known for about a year. She's almost ten years older than I am and MUCH more experienced than me. Has more than one child, and lives with their father. He obviously doesn't know about this.

At first things were great. However I realized that I just started to feel shitty once again. For one, I couldn't help get attached. Being intimate with someone and not developing feelings for them is something I realized I'm not capable of. We had both agreed that no feelings would be involved, but I've failed at that.

On her side, she has acknowledged that spending so much time together will make it hard not get attached. I've noticed that she goes out of her way a lot to talk to and see me - going online, calling during the day a lot etc. She's going away for a one week trip and we both acknowledged that we'll miss each other.

Now the bad things. She has carried on relationships with other people outside of her domestic one before (me), and Im pretty sure if the situation arises she's not against something like a one night stand. However, we established before that we don't have to account to each other for anything.

Another thing that bothers me is the fact that I've never cheated on a gf, and I've never facilitated cheating before, but now I am. And it's making me feel pretty bad, even though if it isn't me it'd be someone else. Additionally, she's not spending as much time with her kids as she should, and that makes me feel worse.

Also, she has told me that I'm physically not her type, she doesn't find me sexy. That one really stung. So then what is it exactly that has us in this situation? Is it just because I'm much younger, and I pay her so much attention? She's said she can't believe that someone so young is finding her attractive. The amount of time and effort I spend on her (and her on me too I guess) is practically as if she was my gf. So am I simply just someone who pushes the right buttons? (We have sex in case this wasn't made clear earlier.)

Nothing can come of this situation, yet I've found myself caught up in it. I think about her too much, look forward to her calls and spending time with her too much. She isn't someone I could trust, plus.... nothing can come of it plain and simple. She's pretty much enjoying it tremendously, and so have I, but I've realized that more and more I only have fun when I'm with her, and apart from that I'm just looking forward to the next time we see each other.

It's hard to just give up on this completely, when I have no one else, because I do enjoy the attention (and sex, even though that's not all I enjoy).

How do I get myself into these situations? And what can I do about the one I'm currently in? I know it's unhealthy. I also realize this relationship might be destroying my ability to trust women, after all that I am witnessing.

Bridging the experience gap

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 10:17:42 -0800

How to best handle dating an inexperienced woman? So I just came home from my first date with a woman I've known for about two months now. We get along great, and we've been on the phone with each other for quite a while every other night for the past week, so that's not the problem.

When we met up tonight, we both immediately admitted to being nervous, but still had a good time over dinner, even if the conversation was slightly more stilted and forced that as is usually the case between us. Towards the end of dinner, she admitted that the reason she was so nervous was that she could count the dates she'd been on in her life on one hand.

Now, mind, you, this is a beautiful, absolutely brilliant, warm and funny girl with no glaring flaws, as far as I can tell. It just seems that she's suffered under sort of a "Diane Court" syndrome, where no one has really been willing to ask her out for most of her life (she's in her mid twenties, a few years younger than me.) We kissed after dinner on the way to the show we were going to, and maintained PG-rated personal contact throughout that, so again, no worries there.

The only issue is that, well, this date carried a huge start-of-something-important vibe, and I don't want to mess that up. I'm not a lothario by any means, but I've been around the block far more than she has. I of course didn't ask her about her sexual history, but I assume it's limited-to-nonexistent. I'm not in any rush to sleep with her, but we want to keep seeing each other, so it's likely to come up sooner or later.

So, beyond Dan Savage's invaluable "campsite rule" (i.e., leave them better than you found them) I'd appreciate any tips on how to best date someone drastically less experienced than yourself. I want to assure her that I'm not expecting anything more than she's ready for, make sure that I'm not inadvertently pressuring her in that direction, etc. All while not coming off as creepy as any discussion of this sort of thing is bound to.

Thank you all. I like this woman a lot, but I'm worried about this becoming an issue, and want to keep that from happening.

How do I date, now that I'm sober?

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:19:12 -0800

Now that I'm sober ... how the heck do I go about dating? I'm male, late 20s, and sober for the first time in my adult life. It's been 6 months since I've had a drink. I feel amazing. I love my new lifestyle, and I think that I'm unlikely to fall off the wagon. I've been to AA a few times, but I'm not sure that it's for me. Honestly, going to the gym every day feels much more therapeutic.

Anyway ... in my past life, I had no problem with dating at all. I was smooth, confident, and I met a lot of people. Now I'm more of a homebody and MUCH less likely to make the first move. I've done some internet dating. That's nice because I get to click "I don't drink at all" on my profiles, and people usually know what they're getting into. Searching for women that don't drink at all doesn't usually turn up too many people in my small community.

Also, Dates themselves are just less exciting. There's no more bouncing from bar to bar and then twirling around in the street. That's the kind of excitement that I miss, and the kind of excitement that I feel like I owe to a potential partner. It's also sometimes hard for me to talk about my situation, and I worry that I'm often viewed as a bad gamble.

I've been ok with being at the bar with my friends, and seeing music, etc. In fact, I went on several great dates recently where we sat at the bar, watched baseball, and drank ginger ale. I don't even think about the booze being thrown around in front of me. Seriously, I don't even want it. I just want to feel like dating is normal again! It used to be so easy to "meet for drinks." Now trying to figure out what to do is so much weirder.

So I don't know how and where to meet people that will be sympathetic to my situation (except for the internet, which I haven't quite given up on yet). I also just don't feel "normal" on dates. Also ... sex, which used to come very naturally, is now terrifying.

I've never really had sex with someone new while not under the influence. It used to be easy for me to say, "hey, want to come over?" Now I stumble around and don't know what to do. Also, it's not quite as exciting. It's harder to lose myself while intimate, etc, etc.

Overall, I'm very hopeful about my situation. I feel so much more in control of my life, and I know that I'm doing the right thing. I have no doubt that I'll find my way through this, and I think that once I do finally connect with someone that it'll be MUCH more genuine than if I were still a drunk. I'm just having some growing pains getting there.

I'm mostly interested in hearing dating stories from people who have become sober, and have first-hand experience with this.

How do you maintain sobriety and feel normal about dating?

If you want to respond anonymously, or ask me any follow-up questions you can use: nodrinksforme@gmail.com.