Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and cunnilingus

Should I say or should I come?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 11:21:26 -0800

Should I say or should I come? or, should a girl say that she didn't have an orgasm. Specifically I'd like to know what guys would want, but girls, I would also love to know how you handle this situation. The situation is sex with someone you met through a dating site, and the girl doesn't have an orgasm, not because the sex is bad, but just practicalities like unable to get the timing right, unfamililarity with the other person and what they like etc. So the sex is great but the girl doesn't get off (but is okay with it), but should she say so? Guys, do you want to know? Do you need to know? Would you be okay if she said it was great, but you didn't know if she came or not? And if you do want to know, how would you like to be told? How does it make you feel to know that she didn't come BUT really enjoyed it? Is mishandling this situation (e.g., telling the guy that you didn't come) grounds for never hearing from them again? If so, can it be fixed?

Please don't speak to me of faking it because I don't like the precedent that that sets, and I really don't think that boys need to have that kind of confusion hoisted on them.

Girls, have you encountered this and handled it successfully? How?

And as a corollary to the above, if a girl wants oral in order to have her orgasm and the guy doesn't seem to be heading that way, is there a good way to suggest it? I haven't encountered anyone who needs that suggested to them so I am really flummoxed as to how to handle it. Is there some universal code word or gesture that communicates one's desire to be eaten out other than "I'm female and naked in bed with you"?

throwaway email: sayorcome@gmail.com

Cunnilingus and UTI: must it be so?

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 06:51:46 -0800

My girlfriend gets an UTI after almost every time I go down on her. Help us save our sex lives! Me and my girl have a great relationship. We are quite comfortable with each other in bed, but a problem has come up: we found out that if I go down on her, with VERY high likelyhood, she develops an UTI.

Stimulating her orally has done wonders for our sex lives -- she loves it, I love it, and it is a great way to get things going. We noticed, however, that she would get UTIs strangely frequently after I started going down on her. She had never had someone go down on her before, so it was a little while before she was comfortable with me doing it, and she enjoys it immensely. It wasn't long before we noticed that oral sex seemed to be the cause of the UTIs, though.

We've have tried everything: brushing our teeth before sex, using mouthwash as well, staying away from the clit and the urethra during oral sex, washing ourselves immediately before and after. The post-oral UTI eventually comes back. We have also followed the standard suggestions too: urinating after intercourse, drinking cranberry juice. But this has had little to no positive impact.

We are clean people. We don't do anal, so I am sure this is not caused by possible bacteria from the anus. There is a very clear correlation between me going down on her and the onset of UTI.

It seems like we invariable find ourselves in the emergency room over a weekend, because for whatever reason that is when the UTI symptoms come up. It causes her incredible discomfort, and I hate to be the cause of it. I love this girl to death, and I want to be able to please her, make her comfortable, and not make her tremble at the thought of horrible pain and discomfort in the days following sex with me. It feels like this is having a serious impact in our sex lives, and I am afraid this will lead to problems in our relationship.

What could be the cause of all this? Is there something I can do to reduce the chances of giving her an UTI to next to nil? If it must be like this, is there anything that comes close to cunnilingus as far as intimacy and pleasure?

Can I learn to enjoy the taste of vagina?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 09:26:08 -0800

Can I learn to enjoy the taste of vagina? I really want to. I really do want to enjoy licking pussy. I'm an attentive lover who enjoys giving pleasure to women. I love giving long backrubs, and I love using vibrators, dildos, and my fingers on girls. So psychologically you'd think I was into going down on them. As an inexperienced teenager I always heard how much women love guys who lick pussy, and I looked forward to being one of those guys.

Now that I'm out there having sex with girls, I find that I really don't like the smell and taste of most vaginas. There are a few here and there that I don't mind, but so far they've belonged to girls that don't really crave cunnilingus. The ones that I've dated that do want cunnilingus, I've been fairly turned off by the smell and taste. I do enjoy using my fingers on the girls, but the smell of my fingers afterwards is often a turnoff. These have all been pretty sanitary girls who take good care of themselves and bathe regularly.

Has anyone here grown to enjoy the taste of vagina where they previously didn't? Or do you know of anyone? Is there something I should be doing that I'm not? Presently I'm just telling everyone I date that I'm not that into cunnilingus, and they've been ok with it so far.

You just like me 'cos I'm good in bed.

Ultimate Sockpuppet the Second — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 04:29:15 -0800

Getting better in bed - how? NSFW inside... I'm your average mid-20s hetero guy in a loving long-term relationship; the thing is that both of us are quite inexperienced in the fucking department, being late blooming nerds ... or maybe that's just me :). I've had only one previous partner, it was clear that she's had extensive experience and knew exactly what she was doing; she taught me all I know and I'm fairly sure I bored her to tears in bed. My current girlfriend got unlucky with her two previous partners and tells me I was the first not-a-showerhead to give her an orgasm.

She tells me I'm great in bed (probably helps that she always gets off) and I know she means it but I'm also fairly sure it's got a lot to do with her previous experiences being crap. We have frequent and good sex and are on great terms as partners. We've tried a bunch of positions, it all works rather well and we have our favourites. There's nothing wrong with our sex but there can always be better. What we want to know is how to get better - if we can spend our lives getting better at making each other happy, that's got to be good, right? At least a good step towards avoiding the dreaded bed-death, which we've managed so far.

I've spent many an hour browsing the "sex" and related tags on ask.mefi and have noted the many recommendations for the Guide to Getting It On so it's on its way from Amazon now. We're looking for suggestions of interesting things to try or perhaps something that can give us suggestions, like the aforementioned book.

So:
- do you have any specific suggestions for things you particularly enjoy? Suggestions from women are particularly welcome: I can ask my girlfriend what she'd like but that doesn't get me very far because she doesn't know what's possible either.
- what books/websites containing such suggestions have you previously found valuable?
- is it worth getting a copy of the Karma Sutra? I've seen illustrations of the positions on the internet and we've tried most of them.
- is it worth looking into Tantra?

To get some obvious answers out of the way first:
- I ain't pining for the ex. She was practised at creating some pretty intense sensations but still managed to make things pallid compared to what I have now. The ex is mentioned only because she is how I know how terribly inexperienced we are.
- The hot baths and massages are right up there - suggestions for similar activities are certainly welcome.
- My cunnilingus-fu is strong, even if I do say so myself... specific suggestions are definitely welcome though.
- I don't think we're looking for kinks, even if we're probably already felons in Alabama.
- Porn doesn't appeal to either of us
- We're certainly not looking for extreme suggestions like "get an apadravya" (ow!)

Those who wish to post anonymously, please email me at wkstrfrx@gmail.com and I'll re-post such responses here unless you request otherwise because I'm sure they'll be useful to others.

Tell me how to make my girl squeal in delight, mefi :)

I don't want my pussy to taste like rain! I want my pussy to taste like pussy!

Ambrosia Voyeur — Fri, 01 Dec 2006 19:54:25 -0800

Connoisseurs of Cunnilingus: What does it taste like to you? I know this may seem pervy, but I ask out of genuine, longtime curiosity, which has not been resolved despite performing in the Vagina Monologues - twice!

As long as I've had my culele, I've wondered what "normal" is, like many women, I'm sure. I have my own ideas, but trying to describe yourself is cognitively bizarre! (lavender and bacon??)

I'd like to hear some generalities and hopefully some refined epicurean descriptions of the good and bad, perhaps illuminated with the nature of your acquaintance with The Pink One.

Fuck off, trolls.

It keeps going and going and going . . .

Anonymous — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 09:52:50 -0800

I can orgasm, but when my boyfriend's there it takes an hour and a half. What gives? Obviously not safe for work. I am in my first sexual relationship. It has been going well, except on the orgasm front. It takes me a very, very long time to reach climax. It hasn't happened with sex (we've tried different positions), and with oral sex and a vibrator it usually takes on the order of forty-five minutes (if we're lucky) to an hour-and-a-half. It's fun and all, but it can feel inconvenient, frustrating, and let's be serious here, performing oral sex for an hour straight has got to be tiring. No, he doesn't complain--he's a trooper, his technique is good, he's responsive to recommendations and sticks through with enthusiasm to the very end--but I would feel a lot better if it didn't take so damn long to happen.

The messy details: Previous to this relationship I masturbated solely by face-down grinding. There was a two-month period at the beginning of this relationship when, with the assistance of a vibrator, I had to train myself to be able to get off lying on my back. Now I can use a vibrator to get myself off while in a not-face-down position, but it takes so damn long. It's faster when I'm alone (ten to thirty minutes, any longer and I usually give up), but when the boyfriend is with me it turns into a marathon. We've tried just the vibrator, vibrator and oral sex, just oral sex, the length of time is always the same. He always wants to try again when we're fooling around, but there are times I just want to stop after he's come because I don't want to deal with the frustration of wasting an hour-and-a-half on one stupid orgasm.

Do you think this is a relaxation issue? Do you have any recommendations on how to move things a long? Yes, we do foreplay, so I don't believe it's a matter of not getting warmed up enough.

Teach my boy cunnilingus!

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 21:24:39 -0800

How can my boy and I have better sex? And in particular, how can I teach him to go down on me? I'm in a committed, amazing, relationship with a wonderful boy. We're in our mid-thirties, have been together for a couple of years and things just get better and better - I have never felt more loved, or optimistic about the future. I have never loved more wholly or felt such contentment. We're in this thing for keeps, and no foolin'.

The only fly in the ointment is that the sex isn't quite working. Not for me, at least. Though he's had more partners, he's always seemed a less adventurous than me, and more passive than I'm used to. I like being taken roughly, and wrestled, and bitten... generally, I like being dominated, just a bit. Because of his passivity, I've found myself in a slightly more aggressive role than I'm used to. Although initially mystified by the dynamic, I didn't really mind in the beginning of our relationship - I was so smitten that I was happy to compensate - and I also knew that he has an inhibited libido due to medication. But generally, I think it's just a cultural or personality difference - sexually, he's less adventurous and sexually inquisitive than me. I've never been in a relationship where that's been the case before - I have a fierce sex drive and it's always been met. He fancies me, I know, but it's not expressed in a way that blows my socks off.

The main thing that I'd like us to work on, though, is his reticence regarding cunnilingus. He's never gone down on me. He hasn't gone down on a girl in years - he says he used to really enjoy it, but now he doesn't. I've never been in a relationship, serious or otherwise, with someone who won't (or can't) go down on me before and I'm finding myself so sexually frustrated that my libido's shutting down. I enjoy the sex we have, but there's very little foreplay aside from fellatio (which I love). He knows it's an issue for me: cunnilingus is the best way to get me hot, and the best way to make me come, and I'm missing out on that right now. I feel untapped, like I have enormous sexual potential that's not being expressed. The last thing I want to do if make someone do something, sexually, that they dislike - I'd hate it if he did that to me - but he's said that it's something we can work on. He's willing to give it a try. But how?

So, that's my question: how do we make this work? How do we get our sexual styles to match better? How can he get comfortable with putting his mouth on me when he's never even looked between my legs? (Yeah, you heard me.) How do I deal with his squeamishness, or whatever it is, without having it affect my own body image? I don't even know where to start. I would love some advice from people who have managed to overcome hurdles like this, and grown closer, sexually. We've a long life together ahead of us, and I'm sure we can find a way to crack this thing open; surely people have done so in the past. The only advice I'm not open to is "Dump the motherfucker already". We're committed, and that's not changing. This is the real deal.

Is giving head supposed to be arousing to the giver?

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 00:01:20 -0800

Is giving head supposed to be arousing? She prefers this sequence: foreplay, followed by cunnilingus, and then intercourse. Trouble is, almost immediately I go down on her, I lose my erection -- does this mean I'm gay? A previous girlfriend complained bitterly, during a session of muff-diving -- she groped me and exclaimed, "You're not even hard!" What did my member's state have to do with anything?

Cunnilingus technique?

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Aug 2005 13:46:52 -0800

How do I improve my cunnilingus technique? I do pretty well as it is but operate under the beliefs that a) it's something you can never be too good at and b) different people like different things, so I'd love to know new things to try. What do you like to do/like to have done to you? I'm really asking this as a general question as I get the sense the whole community reads these things, but for what it's worth, I'm a man moving into a committed relationship. I like to give head and I've given plenty in my day, so simply saying "Be enthusiastic" is not really descriptive enough. (In case you didn't get it, I'm asking this as an analogue to the recent bj question.)

SexFilter: Help me hone my oral sex giving skills for my new girlfriend

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Nov 2004 10:52:43 -0800

I am a younger male who wants to be a better lover to my new girlfriend, specifically in regards to giving her oral sex. I sense she doesn't like to talk about these things explicitly, and I'm not entirely sure I know what I'm doing. What I'd like to know from MeFites is: what qualifies as good head for a woman? Fast, slow, teasing, aggressive? What feels best? And what things should be avoided as not to spoil the moment? (I'm a little skeptical some female MeFites will feel comfortable offering explicit advice, but I'm pretty sex-positive and I hope some of you are too!)