Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and bdsm

How to manage feelings in BDSM/casual sex relaionships?

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 16:55:03 -0800

Your tips on figuring out my feelings as I enter into casual play relationships? (risque elaboration within) Sooooo I am a newbie to BDSM and casual play/sex and while I've had a small handful of good experiences so far, I'm a little worried of my own green-eyed monster rearing its head. Main reason I ask: I met someone recently who I enjoy play/sex with, and since he is unattached and very affectionate towards me (and I find him very attractive) I'm starting to get date-y feelings toward him. He compliments me in a date-y way, too, i've spent the night, and he has once (on our 2nd of 2 play dates) suggested we hang out in a non-play setting too, but I'm not sure what to make of this or if I'm reading into it. I'm afraid to bring up any deeper discussion because I feel... uptight? demanding? like I'll freak him out by being not-casual? if I do.

This is all especially confusing because, while 3somes are something I'd like to try, I now am getting antsy and mixed-up emotionally when he brings up looking for new play partners for us. And I'm feeling tinges of jealousy knowing he's looking for new play partners for himself. How does one manage this sort of transition and dealing with jealousy? Any suggested tips? Suggested reads? Throwaway email: applicablenot32@yahoo.com If it matters, I am female, 30, unmarried (and not very marriage-minded normally.)

Have rope, will travel.

puckish — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 02:54:02 -0800

Another "kinky sex hacks" question... (NSFW) My partner and I have really consistent, really excellent sex -- creative, intimate, interesting, FUN. I pretty much want to be having sex with him all the time. Awesome! Cue recent question: "What do you think about adding more "kink" into our relationship?" Even better! For me, this means playing around with BDSM, which is something I've been really excited about for a long time.

But...I kind of have no clue what to DO?? And fuck! I'm shy!! I don't know even know where to start!

I have LOTS of questions: First off, how to get around the "acting" thing? Planning scenes seems weird. A sexy evening, for us, is having a conversation about programming, progressing instantly to making out and fucking -- and then going back to talking about programming, usually (this is tremendously hot, by the way) Ideally, I guess, we'd do this with rope involved? And, you know, authority?

(Can we do this, without explicitly 'staging' sequences?)

(And what ABOUT staging? This sounds really hot! How do I do it and make it believable?)

(How do you introduce props -- and more specifically, restraints? - without having it seem weird and artificial?)

The bigger question, I think, has to do with how to make this good and healthy, and not traumatic. My (limited) experience with SM has been in the context of pretty exploitative relationships, where the sex got a LOT more creative when there was actual cruelty involved (not good or healthy for long-term relationship prospects — and DEFINITELY not something I want to replicate here). For his part, he's had some pretty scary experiences involving consent and lack thereof. This raises a lot of questions, in thinking about S/M and D/s play. What's the difference between SM that's about humiliation, vs. control? Does it have to play on some kind of fantasy about exploitation? For me, this comes up in pain play, things like scratching and restricting breathing (which I REALLY like, but which is also confusing and cues up some unpleasant things). For him, the line comes in playing with consent (which is off the table) — but which also seems to be kind of *what you’re playing with* when you do BDSM.

So yeah - how to negotiate these issues, and still have fabulous kinky sex? We want to keep the bad stuff solidly OUT of the bedroom, and make this something really affirmative between us.

In practical terms, pretty much anything’s on the table (and recommendations are welcome!) We’ve got sex toys pretty well covered - strap-ons and vibrators, etc. What else? Rope and restraints? Ice cubes? Hot oatmeal baths? Props? Basically, my thought is, “I’d like to tie you to the wall and fuck you like crazy.” What do I do, in order to make this happen?

I'm not good at tying knots around a beautiful woman.

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 19:14:43 -0800

My girlfriend loves being tied up. Unfortunately, I never was a boy scout and suck at tying knots. (nsfw) I've got this book and lots of rope, but I'm still fumbling around and slow tying her up after several months. Sure, the anticipation can be great, but I'd love to get more dextrous with the rope.

Particularly, many of the bindings require very long stretches of rope, and I'm not quite sure how to manage it. It seems like I spend most of my time pulling the yards of rope on the loose ends through the knot. Push the rope under, yank the rest through for a minute or two. Should I be rolling the rope around my hand somehow, so I can push it through the knot all at once?

Do you experienced ropers have any tips or resources? Any creative ways to tie her up? How to drive her wild during the long setup time?

Which demographics are the kinkiest?

aliceinreality — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 12:55:04 -0800

KinkFilter: Is there currently any sociological research on sexual kinks, specifically long-term BDSM relationships? My friend and I were talking a couple days ago, and we were wondering if D/s dynamics were more common among certain demographics (i.e., college-educated, middle class, particular ethnic groups, certain religions, etc.), and I decided that MeFi might know if anyone was publishing on this stuff.

Subtle kink in popular culture?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:31:26 -0800

Books and movies with BDSM overtones? I'm trying to find books and movies that are not, strictly speaking, erotica, but which have hints of dominant/submissive relationships between characters.

Things like Secretary and The Story of O definitely qualify, but I'm looking for films/books where the theme is far subtler. Two examples that I can think of are Lust, Caution and (to a lesser extent) Gone With The Wind.

Thanks!

Better pain management through electricity

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:00:35 -0800

Kinkyelectricsex: My partner wants to bring a TENS machine into the bedroom. How safe or dangerous are these things? It is the device at the top of this page. Everything I've read online says these things are perfectly safe as long as it is connected below the waist (here and here for example) but never ever go above the waist because there is a danger of causing a heart attack. That seems fairly straightforward except that the instructions that came with it only advise against placing pads on a person's head or unbroken skin. They specifically instruct the owner to place pads on the chest, back, arms, and neck as needed (although not, for example, at each nipple). The only recorded fatality I can find involved a device plugged into the wall. And there are places selling electric nipple clips for use with these things.

Are the kinky advice-givers being overcautious? Or am I taking a serious risk just using it on my sore neck and back?

sex in bondage porn? i'll be damned.

nadawi — Tue, 13 May 2008 03:38:48 -0800

What's a good resource for the history of laws governing BDSM pornography? [discussion, of course, potentially nsfw] Barring a website, what can you tell me?

I noticed in my, um, research recently that somewhere along the line it became legal in the USA to show actual sex while a girl was all tied up (god bless 'em).

This made me all sorts of curious about the whole history, and specifically that change in law. I've tried searching google, but as you can imagine trying to find search terms for scholarly interests on the topic gets a little difficult.

Please point me to resources to better understand "switching" in BDSM.

Forktine — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 10:42:14 -0800

Please point me to resources that describe the phenomenon of "switching" by some BDSM participants. Some of the answers to this question reminded me of how I wish I better understood switching in BDSM. (For the curious: Wikipedia, one description, another.) I'm not asking, "how can anyone be that way?" or if it is "normal" -- as far as I'm concerned, if it makes you happy and no puppies are harmed, all is good. I'm curious because although I am kink-friendly and have been so for a long time, almost all of my direct experience, and most of the depictions I have seen in books/films/etc, are of people comfortable staying in one role.

The question: I am looking for descriptions of how it feels to switch between such different roles, how the dynamics of this can work within a relationship, and how these roles get negotiated. Basically, I'm asking "how does switching work, in real life?"

In addition to whatever direct descriptions get provided here, I would particularly appreciate suggestions of thoughtful and well-written blogs, articles, essays, or forums that address this issue, as well as novels and films. Gay/straight/bi/other are fine. The only literary example I can think of is the main character in the Story of O, who spends the first half of the book as a submissive and transitions later in the book into more of a dominant role; there must be others that address this in a more grounded and contemporary sort of way. A lot of what I found via Google was very jargony, very play-party oriented, very formulaic; I'm looking for more nuanced and rich descriptions that get at the contradictions, compromises, and complications of living that identity.

If you aren't comfortable replying here, you can send me a MeFi mail, or send an anonymous email to the address in my profile. (I have read the previous AskMe questions with the "bdsm" tag, which have hints to this but don't address it directly. Google searches haven't produced the exact results I am looking for, either, aside from the links I gave above -- if you are providing answers via a search, please give pointers as to how you got there.)

D/s newbie seeking help

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 21:45:32 -0800

Help for a couple starting to experiment with a D/s relationship. My partner and I have been starting to experiment with a Dominant/submissive sexual relationship. I am the submissive, she is the dominant. I've been looking for a good way to let her know that I'm in the mood to play. Are there any good ways to stay submissive and still initiate?

We've joined a group in our area, but any book and/or website recommendations (especially for submissive men) would be great.

Kinky Couture

Ambrosia Voyeur — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 12:56:18 -0800

Where are the good, exciting online fetishwear sites? *shrug*

I guess if I'm looking for any particular thing, it's just the unusual and the versatile. From lingerie to outerwear to accessories - what's striking, creative, and hip?

Tell me (a girl) how to sex up my partner like he wants: with me in charge!

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 23:31:23 -0800

My partner wants me to dominate him. That's totally not my style, and his pickiness makes it harder, but I'm trying my best, and it's working! Up to a point. (NSFW text inside.) I know a lot of this stuff is sensitive -- I completely understand, since I'm the shy, quiet type, and IRL I don't discuss my sex life at all with anyone I'm not having sex with -- so you can e-mail me at tryingtotop at gmail if you don't want to answer publicly.

I've known for quite awhile, and I made it clear to him from the very beginning, that I'm submissive in that I enjoy having my partner take charge. I also found out, with him, that I really enjoy being spanked and bitten and similar not-very-painful fun. He's okay with some of that stuff, but not with tying me up (something I want to try). When he's been in charge, he hasn't yet done anything more hardcore, really, than biting me and calling me names (which I don't like but he does).

Over the same months, he has been encouraging me to take charge of the situation. It's not that I don't initiate (I totally do -- I have a high sex drive and I'm clear about it), but it's very hard for me to forcefully take command -- which, of course, is what he's slowly revealing to me that he wants. It's really hard for me, mostly due to my nature, but also because even if we were both 100% vanilla, the sexual power would still be all on his side: he is older than me, he has tons more experience (he is my first partner), and he can physically overpower me.

Also, he is really picky about what he likes in that area. He also doesn't want to discuss kink -- he wants it to come up spontaneously in the middle of sex sessions, because (his explanation) what we might say no to normally could sound like a great idea when we're turned on. This means I have to walk a fine line between being creative and careful -- when I misstep by trying something he's not into, he gets grossed out and turned off, and shuts me down hard. As discouraging as that is, it's not something I can blame him for; I'd get turned off if he brought up a kink that grossed me out.

Anyway, I've found some things that seem to work, although the menu's pretty limited by his pickiness (list below). For example, we can make out while I undress him, then I can order him to sit apart and watch while I slowly strip and touch myself. (This alone represents a huge advance for me -- I do not like to order people around.)

Trouble is, when it comes time for him to get into the picture, everything goes haywire. The moment he touches me, I turn into a giant jelly -- moaning for him and totally at his mercy. I melt completely. Whatever toughness I have conjured up disappears. Obviously, that's no good for him -- he wants a girl who will sit on his face and ride him brutally without regard for anything but her own pleasure, but he's got a girl who, the instant she lowers herself onto his face, turns into a whimpering, begging mess. When I start going soft that way, it doesn't matter that we got to that point because I ordered him to lie down, hold still, and shut up.

So I guess my question is actually a couple of related questions. First, how can I overcome this? I'm sure it's related to my inexperience, but I've been doing this with him for a few months now and the way it affects me isn't lessening at all.

Second, what else can we/I do? "You sit over there and watch me" only goes so far. I mean if that's the setup for the third time in a row, he's got to be pretty bored with it by then.

Things I have established he is not okay with (aka really hard limits): pain, including mild discomfort like ice cubes; restraint, even light stuff with scarves; humiliation; anything nonsexual (e.g. making him do household chores); anything long-distance or outside of an encounter (e.g. telling him not to masturbate for a week); anything whatsoever going up his ass.

D/S-ish things I am sure he likes: me physically dominating him (being on top, sitting my full weight on him, physically forcing him to do things) -- tough because he is stronger than me; me ordering him around; (the idea of) me peeing on him -- I am not into it but okay with it, and trying, but it hasn't really worked yet (shy bladder I guess).

Other stuff I know he likes, in rough order: 69; eating pussy; being rimmed -- doesn't happen, I will play with his ass, but not with my mouth; blowjobs -- this totally makes me feel like the in-charge amazon he wants to see, but my mouth is occupied so I can't talk about it; playing with my butt (his fingers and tongue, nothing bigger yet) -- but this makes me feel super-submissive; dirty talk -- I am not good at it, although I am not embarrassed to try I seem to word things wrong.

Other technical stuff: We do not have PIV or anal sex, and we do not plan to (we are both 100% okay with this). We have not yet tried tittyfucking, intracrural sex, or other forms of outercourse -- I would totally try them (I love dry humping, so I feel like that bodes well), but I'm not sure how he feels about this stuff. Right now we deal with oral, oral, and more oral (and he also uses fingers and vibes on me). Sex is super-marathon -- when we see each other, it tends to be for 15-20 hours at a stretch, and in that time we take breaks pretty much only to eat, nap, and talk.

So how can all these preferences combine in some way that works for him and leaves me in charge?

Last question, I swear: I really want to call him names, but what? When he takes charge, sometimes he'll call me slut and whore (both of which I really dislike and consider very inaccurate, and they make me worry that's how he sees me) and bitch (which I dislike less, I guess since it doesn't specifically relate to promiscuity). I have been clear and told him how I feel; he doesn't get it, but says he'll try to stop, but when he's about to come it's not unusual for him to forget. I want to call him names partly so he realizes what it's like for me, but also because if he likes it, I want to try to understand why so maybe I can learn to like it too.

But due to years of cultural weighting, calling a guy a slut or whore is more likely to elicit laughter than shame. Can I still call him a bitch, or would that be weird? Is there anything else I can call him instead? "Slave" or "servant" or whatever would be way too hardcore for us (I definitely would not want him to address me by title as "mistress" or whatever). Also, he's not into humiliation, so I can't make fun of his (big, beautiful) dick or (highly developed) oral skills. Basically I want something to tack onto the ends of commands: "Get on your knees . . . bitch." Would calling a guy "bitch" work in that context? What else?

Thanks, MeFi -- again, you can privately e-mail tryingtotop @ gmail if you don't want to answer here!

Is kink curable?

Jake Apathy — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 10:59:08 -0800

SexFilter - is kink curable? Long story short - Ever since puberty, all of my fantasies have revolved around fetishism and various forms of humiliation. In these fantasies, I am always the one being humiliated. Although my fantasies nearly always involve physical contact, very rarely do they involve actual intercourse. In the past two years, I've only attempted to have sex twice. Both times, I have failed to maintain an erection, even though I never have trouble being erect when I am masturbating by myself. You could say that I suffer from extreme performance anxiety. These experiences have been absolutely devastating, to the point where my social life and performance at work were affected.

I have tried viagra, but unfortunately, I have chronic pelvic pain syndrome, and the viagra caused a very painful flare-up. I've been seeing an outragously expensive therapist for the past month or so to help me with my impotence problem. He believes that one of my problems is the fact that my fantasies are all about humiliation and don't involve intercourse. He suggests that I change my fantasies and masturbation material; that I no longer fantasize about humiliation, but instead fantasize about more "vanilla" sex. Here's the problem, though - sexual humiliation is all that really turns me on. Although I fantasize about a number of scenarios, they are all based around some sort of humiliation or fetishism. The idea of "vanilla" sex doesn't really turn me on.

I have had girlfriends before - my last girlfriend was awesome, she was totally accepting of my sexuality. We started out having "vanilla" sex, with me thinking about my fantasies in order to maintain an erection. However, as time went on, I shared some of my fantasies with her, and we even worked one or two of them into our sex life. The weird thing was that after a while, I actually started to enjoy the vanilla sex, and began to think about her and not my fantasies during sex. I even indulged her in some of *her* submissive fantasies, and actually enjoyed it. To be honest I think that what allowed me to enjoy sex with her was the very fact that she accepted my weird, embarrassing sexuality - she didn't even really need to indulge my fantasies. Needless to say, she was the first woman I actually enjoyed having sex with.

I've thought about seeking out the BDSM community here in NYC, but I'm afraid that doing so will only make me more depressed; I'm aware that there is a grossly imbalanced ratio of submissive men to dominant women. I've also considered trying one of the BDSM dating services, however I'm deathly afraid that people I know will somehow find out that I'm on there.

Anyhow, my question is this - is it even possible for me to do what my therapist wants me to do, and exchange my submissive fantasies for normal ones? I don't even know where to begin. I like my submissive fantasies, but I really want to have a sex again. I'm sick of being lonely, and I'm sick of masturbating by myself in my room.

Help me overcome my reluctance to dominate my girl and fulfill both our fantasies.

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 08:49:41 -0800

Help me overcome my reluctance to dominate my girl and fulfill both our fantasies. I would feel silly and disconnected dominating my girl the way she wants to be dominated in the bedroom. How can I step beyond my self-consciousness to give her what she wants while remaining sensual enough to satisfy myself? My girl and I are ass-over-tits in love with each other. Our (vanilla) sex life is sensual, sexual, and very very great (she agrees), however she has told me that she'd like to occasionally be dominated in the bedroom. Nothing (too) rough; she wants to be ordered around the bedroom, to be tied up, tied down, her hair pulled, spanked, pinched, bitten, choked, teased, etc, and to be treated somewhat roughly.

This is great; seeing (and hearing!) women in submission really turns me on, and I'm not one to say "that's not how a woman should be treated." I think that if a woman wants to be treated in a way that leaves bruises, then by-god she should have as many bruises as she can handle. Plus, I'm a biter, and thrilled to be for the first time in my life in a relationship where I don't have to hold back.

My problem comes when I actually try to take a more dominant/aggressive role. There are two specific factors at work, I think:
1. I feel awkward commanding her around and being, generally, dominant. It feels... silly to me, and I feel silly doing it. I was just barely able to make it through "come over here and get on top of me" without giggling.
2. I feel distant during sex without a lot of skin-skin contact and without feeling her pull me closer.

We've been working on finding ways to bridge the gap, and have begun to step (slowly) outside our normal zone. We both enjoy it when I pin her arms above her head and/or cover her mouth (I am not AT ALL comfortable putting my hands around her neck) when I'm on top, or when I take her from behind while biting on her back. I just can't bring myself to hit her ass when she's on top yet, although I've been trying to work up to it with a playful swat here and there both in and out of bed. (I can't picture myself doing anything but laughing uproariously if I had her over my knee).

We are very comfortable and open with each other regarding our sexual desires, but she's been pretty reluctant with specifics in this "kinky" arena because she wants to feel like I'm using her to fulfill my desires rather than acting out such a scene in order to fulfill hers, a perspective which I completely understand, since neither of us wants me to be going through the motions and "acting" out a scene for her.

I've begun to get a little stuck as to where to go from the above steps-in-the-right-direction. What I'm looking for is additional insight on how I could tease the dominant in me out, to fulfill her desires, while remaining physically and emotionally connected enough to fulfill mine.

Some responses in the other-side-of-the-fence question here have helped, though I'm quite a bit closer to coming around than the hubby in question there. I also have The Loving Dominant on order at my local bookstore, so I look forward to gaining some insight from that.

Questions to reluctantdom@spambog.com

Help us get our freak on!

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 05:43:18 -0800

Help my partner and I find a place to do BDSM play where we'll fit in. My girlfriend and I have been engaging in BDSM play in the bedroom for almost as long as we've been together. Both of us are very interested in playing semipublically, i.e. at a fetish club, BDSM orgazization or the like. We're in our thirties, attractive, live near Los Angeles, and generally play with me as the dom and she as the sub.

So far, we haven't been successful in our efforts to find a place to do this. We've visited public events held by two of LA's BDSM organizations, but most of the attendees were significantly older, and neither of us felt any sexual energy with the people there. Granted, we weren't at a play party, and those events might have a younger crowd than the more social gatherings, but we have no way of knowing if this is really the case... and neither of us feel enthusiastic playing in front of people for whom we feel no sexual attraction, which is the case with the older crowd at the events we've been to. So, the local organizations might not be an option.

We have gone to fetish nights at bars, but an opposite problem comes up... the crowd skews much younger and mostly Goth, and we feel a little bit out of place there. Plus, at a bar there are, um, limits to what one can do, and for us BDSM is primarily about sex and not always an end unto itself, so we can't scene in that environment to the extent that we would like.

I'm not sure what other options there are... I mean, swinger's clubs occasionally have a small play area for BDSM stuff and we'd be willing to try that, but I don't know the extent to which that community is accepting of the S&M crowd (plus, I'm a bisexual guy and my girlfriend is bicurious but more or less straight, which is pretty much the opposite dynamic of what is considered the norm in swinger land).

So, how do you find cool places to play? We'd like to find a place with other people who are around our age, and where we feel enough chemistry with those people that we're comfortable playing with/in front of them. Any suggestions are welcome... if you'd like to respond by email, you can reach us at hot.nsfw at gmail.

More male bottoms then female tops?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 11:01:10 -0800

BSDMFilter : Is it true that there are far more male bottoms then there are female tops? If not, why are men willing to pay so much money to see a domme?

If so, how did it get this way? What is a sub male to do?