Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and STD

When and how to tell my SO I have an STD?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:41:19 -0800

How do I let my boyfriend know I have herpes? When should I tell him? I recently just started a new relationship and I am dealing with genital herpes. I take care of myself and make sure I am clean and take my medication when I feel a breakout coming. I feel I handle it very well. I didn't tell him about it yet because I did not expect to, frankly, fall for him. It's less than 6 months we have been going out also.

What happened is my ex cheated on me and gave me the virus while we were still together. (I only learned of his cheating AFTER we broke up) but at the time I assumed it was from an old girlfriend. It's possible but something inside of me doubts that scenario for he would have infected me sooner rather than as long as we have been together. Anyways, I really respect this new person in my life and we have been intimate and I kinda get the feeling from his conversations that these things worry the shit out of him. I feel horrible. When is it a good time to honestly tell him? I never felt this way for anyone and this is hard for me. Please help.

When do you tell someone you've got oral herpes?

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 20:16:24 -0800

When do you tell someone you have HSV1? So I used to think this was an easy question and now I’m not really sure.

Basically about four years ago I got diagnosed with oral herpes, HSV1. I’d never had a symptom. Never had one fever blister. Nothing. But a partner said she’d tested positive for oral herpes and that I needed to get tested. I’d been tested six months prior (I have great coverage and get tested for everything every twice a year) and had nothing. Now I was positive for it and I went to a specialist.

So for the next two months I went to an immunologist who had me on valtrex because he was having a hard time telling whether I was also positive for HSV2 or whether it was just a cross reactive thing. At the end of two months they figured that something else I was on was interfering with the test. They took me off and there was no more cross reactivity. I was positive for HSV1 but not HSV2. I asked if this meant I should change the dosage on the valtrex.

The doc said that I should stop taking it.

My specialist said with HSV1 it was no big deal and not worth the prescription. I went to my GP for a second opinion. Is this something you disclose to a partner? His opinion was even more cavalier than the immunologist. More people have it than don’t. It’s no big deal. His only admonitions were about condom use.

So I went about my life. I dated. I had a few relationships. And at some point I ended up with a girl who was a virgin (and for what it’s worth, it was something I didn’t know about till afterwards). We had regular sex with condoms and I performed oral sex on her without any protection

I’m pretty sure you can see where this is going.

Eight months down the road she’s sick for a week. She doesn’t call me. And when she finally comes over she says “you gave me herpes.”

Apparently she got it when I was shedding the virus and didn’t know it. And going down on her did an oral to genital transmission. I was her very first sex partner and I’d basically scarred her for life. We broke up and it shook me for a while. It shook me pretty hard.

I only really started not feeling guilty everyday when I saw on facebook a few months back that she’s happy in a relationship now and seems to be doing okay.

But immediately after, I ended up going back to an ex who I knew had HSV1 and I think I stayed with her for the next six months as a default position just to not have to face dating other people and trying to figure out how to deal with this. Unfortunately we were just as wrong for each other the second time and broke up again. And now, after a respectable distance, I’m ready to date again.

Only I’m not sure what the protocol is here. When is a good time to tell someone this? After the first date? Before the first kiss? Before sex? Do I stop performing oral sex? Am I overreacting? I don’t know how to go forward her and I’d like some advice.

Are those gosh durned kids really having as much free love as the Tv says?

reenum — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:24:24 -0800

How accurate are the media portrayals of young people engaging in risky sexual behaviors? Recently, I've noticed that a lot of media outlets seem to be sensationalizing the sexual practices of people in their teens and 20's. These sources would have you believe that these groups are always 'hooking up', they prefer oral sex to kissing, and that now engage in sexual activity first and date if the experience is positive. Things along those lines.

I'm 30, so I was a teen in the early 90's. I find it hard to believe that sexual mores have changed all that much in the last 15 years. Obviously, I don't get much action, so I can't speak from experience. Have things really become as open and free as the media would have us believe?

Are there any studies or news stories that give statistics of how prevalent sexual activity and risky sexual behaviors are in teens and twentysomethings? Anecdotes are also welcome.

Should I be concerned about a casual fling with someone with herpes? (NSFW-ish)

Anonymous — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 18:38:26 -0800

Should I be concerned about a casual fling with someone with herpes? (NSFW-ish) I'm exploring casual sex relationships, and the polyamorous / open relationship lifestyle. I met someone who seems like a good fit for a fling (sane, safe, tests for STDs frequently etc.), and we get along well. However they disclosed that they have herpes (oral and genital), although has not trnasmitted to their partner over the past 7+ years due to prophylactic Valtrex use daily.

I'm new to this, and I am negative for both HSV types. I've read arguement that fear over HSV is more a puritanical issue -- so this makes me question if I should not be so worried about casual encounters with HSV+ partners, too. I didn't plan on using condoms for oral sex, just of anal/vaginal.

Straight answers about HPV

Anonymous — Sat, 16 May 2009 18:19:56 -0800

I'm a straight male, and I have genital wart-causing HPV. I have searched high and low and can't find straightforward answers to a few questions. I need some help! 1: In most people, the virus eventually clears. But since there is no test for men... apart from not warts disappearing, how will I know when the virus has cleared?

2: Please give me a simple list of sexual activities that I can safely partake in without spreading HPV. The only one that I have on my list so far is "looking longingly at each other through a window". I'm worried.

3: Any encouraging words that give me reason to believe that I might not have to be completely celibate for the next 10 years would be welcome.

How communicable is Herpes during incubation period?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 May 2009 17:16:59 -0800

How herpes is infectious during the incubation period? I had sex with someone who has herpes. Then I had sex with someone else within 24 hours. Condoms were used twice, but I know that are not 100% effective when it comes to herpes. I take showers twice and washed carefully between myself, where nothing else on my skin surface is a problem.

This happened recently, so I do not know if I'm still infected, Herpes has a period of 4-7 days of incubation first first symptoms appear.

It is infectious during the first few days or so?

Do not worry, I have the communication, shitting-my-pants, and I-am-a-bastard-idiot of this situation under control, I just have not been able to find the answer to this particular issue.

Thank you.

Sharing a sex toy w/o spreading HPV?

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 13:58:51 -0800

What precautions should my partner and I take if we want to share a silicone sex toy without spreading HPV between us? What we've been able to find on the web suggest that HPV can be spread by sharing toys, but doesn't give much practical advice on what to do about it. (For various reasons, the other means of transmission aren't an issue for us right now.) Tips?

HPV Clearance in a journal article

zeek321 — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 18:45:30 -0800

Clearing HPV: Help me understand this journal article, specifically the concept of rate ratio and how it translates into real-world risk. Let's say someone is found to be carrying the hpv-16 strain. Based on this article, what's the chance that they will test negative viral DNA in X number of months? What's a rate ratio?

Can anyone recommend more/better articles on clearance statistics? I'm most interested in the high-risk strains. Here are some more snippets I found that I haven't carefully examined yet.

The question underlying all of this, of course, is if a guy or gal is infected with a high-risk strain, what are the chances that it'll be completely gone in a X number of months with Y confidence?

I have an STD, help me determine when to tell him. I'm pertified.

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 09:48:13 -0800

I have an STD and don't know what time is the right time in terms of telling the partner. Please help, I'm scared out of mind! I have had herpes for almost ten years. I am a young female and aquired this when I was very young. (I went a little wild in my teenage years and was very rebellious) It has always been a struggle and an issue that brings me immense shame. I have had steady long term relationships since and have always told the people that I was with. In the past, this was not an issue with my partners. Surprisingly my mates have been rather non-plused. Regardless, it was always exruciating to communicate this to them.

Regarding my herpes, my gynecologist and I have had recent discussions about the location of the break-outs (my rear) and that my steady partners (long term relationships that ended for entirely different reasons) have been tested and it was not passed to them. In each relationship, we stopped using condoms but abstained from sex when I had an occurence. My doctor has said, unofficially, that the location might be the factor that is keeping everyone safe as well as having had it for so long, it might have changed the make-up of the virus.

In recent years, I have become less bothered by having this and would like to help other girls (and guys) who have struggled such as myself. I will eventually set up a web page and a support group, because I feel that there is an immense stigma around STDs and not nearly enough outlets and comfortable avenues of knowledge for people that have aquired the virus.

SO, here is my struggle: I have recently begun dating a beautiful man. We are sexually active, and we do use condoms. (Although a week ago, we had two drunkin woops without protection. I'm also on birth control) We have been dating for three months. He is newly divorced and not ready for a huge commitment (but the more time we are together, the more lovey dovey he gets and the sweeter he is). I am not inclined to rush things, I believe relationships should develop organically. I really like him. He really likes me. I just met his family this weekend. They were wonderful and it went VERY well. I can see this going further and at this point am hoping for more down the road. I have not told him about the STD. Ideally, I would rather wait until we are more official and have spent more time together to open up to him and share this very personal issue. I am afraid to tell him now. But I also think that he may feel betrayed the longer that I wait. He is an amazing individual and maybe over my league... Although, my friends and family tell me that I am insane and he is absolutely not over my league. I suppose I just like him that much. Should I tell him and get it over with? Should I continue to practice safe sex and wait until I feel that we are more secure and that I can trust him with this information? I don't want to be selfish, and I feel that I already have been. I also am terribly afraid of scaring him away.

Help me identify my roommate's spots.

adamdrici — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 09:37:54 -0800

My roommate has three unidentifiable pimple-like things in his pubic area and is now kind of freaking out. One has been there about a week or so and the other two just showed up in the last day or two so we're looking for possible ideas of what they could be. Here's the whole story:

He said he's had pimples and ingrown hairs in the area before so he didn't pay much attention to this first one. However, he slept with a girl on saturday night and did not use a condom, when he got home was the first time he really noticed the second two spots and he started freaking out. (Highly doubt it was from this most recent girl since the first spot was already there before he met her.)

As for the spots themselves, the first one is the largest, raised, red, had the look of a whitehead pimple but he either burst it or it burst itself. The other two are smaller, raised, round and red as well. They all have a little dot/dimple in the center (coming up around a pore I'm assuming?).

When he came home on Sunday and was freaking out he cut off most of his pubic hair and washed the area with a benzoyl peroxide acne wash. He has since been applying an OTC triple antibiotic ointment. He said that the larger original one has begun to itch, but I don't know if that can be attributed to the freshly cut pubic hair, the acne wash, or even the ointment.

He thinks he has an STD, I'm disinclined to believe so. Besides his escapade this weekend, he had sex with a condom about two months ago one time with a new partner. He has had contact in the interim with old partners who are clean (I can attest to that). He said his last unprotected contact of an ambiguous nature (other than this past weekend obviously) was the end of January/beginning of February. Between September and January I remember him having several other suspect contacts.

Anyway, what do you think, besides that he's a drunken fool who needs some self-control? It's difficult to identify any possibly "patient zero" so the incubation period for his possible STD is rather vague. I told him to make a doctor's appointment which he did but he is panicky so I told him I would post it on here. Thanks in advance folks.

Getting laid without getting HPV

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 23:48:44 -0800

Other than abstinence, condoms and being careful, if there anything that can be done to help avoid catching HPV? I've read the many other HPV threads here but I didn't find this covered and need to know, so:

Is there anything that can be done in advance of sexual contact with someone who probably/might have it that would help boost the immune system to aid it in fighting off the virus? Assume that I'm in good health, eat well, do not smoke, etc... and want to give my system a fighting chance. Is there anything out there that can assist in this?

Please don't answer this question by telling me that I probably already have it. I don't... and that's not the information I'm looking for. I am only looking for info on possible ideas for stuff such as vitamins or herbs or supplements (or...?) that can help the body to help itself to not catch this. For example, might taking something like Echinacea help?

Or am I doomed to just have worrisome sex with this person and then spend the next year checking myself for warts? I'd love to go thru with this in a way that will lesson the likelihood of contracting the virus, and help to put myself at ease so that I can enjoy myself while doing the deed. The alternative being not having sex with someone that I'd really like to, who isn't even positive that he's been exposed (he's never shown any symptoms). I don't want to not sleep with him just because it's possible he's got it, but I'd like to protect myself as best as possible (yes, I wanna have my cake and eat it too!).

When should I get tested?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 13:15:27 -0800

Is there any use in me getting tested for any/all STD/STI's after only a few months since possible exposure? I recently had a short-term unprotected sexual fling (2 months ago). I will definitely get tested for HIV, but I know that I would need to have at least 6 months between exposure and testing to ensure a definite result. Do I need to have 6 months between exposure and testing for all STD/STI's in order to get full results? Mainly, should I bother getting tested now for everything or just wait until the 6 month mark (assuming that I am not being sexually active presently)? I want to get tested for the whole spectrum of infections and viruses, because I never have, and feel like I should as a responsible adult.

what happens in a mexican strip club?

pants — Mon, 03 Jul 2006 10:12:37 -0800

MexicanSexRelationshipFilter. How to best question my partner about his sexual escapades without accusing him of infidelity? I'm in a monogamous committed relationship with a guy I've known for a few years. Recently he went to Acapulco with some buddies and I know that they visited a strip club there. I'm generally sex-positive and have visited strip clubs a couple times here in the US, both times with him. However I am of course concerned that the line between stripping and prostitution may be blurred in Mexico, and while I don't want to accuse him of partaking in those services, I don't want to catch something NASTY if he has.

To my knowledge he's never cheated on me in the past, and has gotten very defensive when I (drunkenly) accused him of it before. I want to protect my health but I don't want to cause unnecessary tension or make him feel like I don't trust him. How can I bring this up in a way that shows I'm just looking out for my own well-being, and don't really think he's that sleazy?

Also, if anyone out there wants to disprove my assumption that prostitution is tacitly legal in that sort of club, please do!

She's only had one outbreak of genital herpes a year ago. Do I still need protection?

Anonymous — Thu, 11 May 2006 11:19:22 -0800

What is the relative safety of certain sexual acts with a partner who has had one confirmed outbreak of genital herpes and no subsequent outbreaks? I, a male, have been dating a girl for a year. I was aware that shortly before we started dating, she contracted genital herpes (from oral sex), and had one severe outbreak. Since that incident, a year and a few months have passed with many stressful circumstances and no outbreaks. We have had sex with condoms and oral sex with dental dams, but not surprisingly, we have considered moving away from both of those (especially with oral sex, since she would prefer not to use birth control). While I know you can never say never, and that herpes can reoccur at any time, I was wondering how safe I would be engaging in either or both of the aforementioned activities. I believe that shedding will continue to occur at irrelegular intervals for the rest of her life, but if she is asymptomatic, could this affect me?

STDs: The social contract

Anonymous — Mon, 23 May 2005 17:33:03 -0800

Lately it seems that several of my friends are receiving HPV diagnoses, with all the accompanying uncertainty that entails. Given how little research we have on HPV and the relative benignity of the diagnosis, how should the topic be discussed with prospective partners? HPV, as far as I can tell, can't be detected in men and may have no symptoms except possible genital warts (in specific strains). Condoms do not prevent the spread of it - in fact, you don't even have to have sex. The risk with HPV is that certain strains MAY cause cervical cancer - so how should this be brought up with casual partners without making it sound like a horrible disease? The problem my friends seem to be facing is that most guys haven't heard of it, can't be tested for it, and the necessity of providing a sex ed lecture when the topic arises really does not make sexual encounters fun. Any personal experiences or advice is greatly appreciated.

STD notification service?

Clay201 — Mon, 09 May 2005 12:02:10 -0800

Is there a service that will, either through the internet or snail mail or even via telephone, notify your previous sex partners that you may have given them a sexually transmitted disease? A friend just called me; she went to the clinic today and her initial test for STDs came back positive for Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and something that starts with a "T" (I'd never heard the name before). While she waits for the results of the second (and hopefully more reliable/accurate) test, she's thinking about what will happen if she has to notify all the people she's been with in the past few months. Is there a service that will do this for her anonymously? Google led me to one called InSpot but their services are intended for gay men who reside in San Francisco, not straight women in the south east.

Herpes Statistics

willnot — Mon, 21 Jun 2004 07:51:18 -0800

What do you know about herpes? I was reading some blog somewhere and in a comment somebody said condoms don't do a great job protecting against herpes. That didn't sound right to me since that's pretty much the only reason I was wearing the things, so off I go to dig up some research. And, I found some statistics that curdled my blood. Hypochondriacs may want to stop reading now, because after reading some of this, I'm afraid to even touch myself. It seems that:

* More than 45 million people in the US have genital herpes
* One in five people in the US over the age of 12 has genital herpes
* One in four women in the US over the age of 12 has genital herpes
* One in two African American women over the age of 12 has genital herpes

What?!

Seriously, as you might imagine, that raises many, many questions, not the least of which is -- could that possibly be true and how is it that I and my circle of friends had never heard those statistics before? Because that's just insane and I would expect a lot of people to be shouting that from the treetops and wearing ribbons and running marathons for the cure. So, those stats come from somebody named Fleming who conducted a national study back in 1997. Those numbers are cited by the CDC and pretty much every other internet site that talks about herpes, so I think they're generally accepted as true.

Now, I know this is a disease characterized by stigma so everyone I meet isn't going to be coming up to me and telling me they have herpes. Still, if it's as prevalent as that study suggests, I would have expected to know a few more people than I do. I guess most people who have it don't know they have it because they never have symptoms and I get the impression doctors don't test you unless you have symptoms present.

The study gets it's numbers from finding antibodies which it takes as proof that the people have it. But if most people never have symptoms, then are their two different versions of this thing floating around. One really weak version that people have no problems fighting off, and one nasty thuggish version that makes people break out in lesions? Or is it just that some people are less able to resist so somebody who never had symptoms could infect somebody less able to resist and that person would break out in nasty lesions?

Of course upon hearing those numbers I became instantly convinced I had it and my helpful brain started creating all kinds of symptoms for me. I kept telling myself it was too convenient that I'd start noticing symptoms at the exact moment I started obsessing about it. It's hard to quite that hypochondriac voice though, so a few days ago when I noticed a rash, I figured I wouldn't be able to sleep until I had a doctor look at it.

The rash was just dermatitis (thank god), and the doctor told me in no uncertain terms I did NOT have herpes. But, he never ran any tests. Was he just being irresponsible (putting HMO costs ahead of public health) by not testing me for such a prevalent disease if no (real) symptoms were present? Or is it just that if no symptoms are present, it doesn't really matter if you have the disease, so the only think a test could do would be to give you a reason to worry?