Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and Attraction

Loss of libido with Levlen/Levora?

roxie110 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:32:13 -0800

Has anyone taking the birth control pill Levora/Levlen had a loss of libido? I've been taking this pill for a year now, and (along with some weight gain that kicked in about 6 months later, yuck) I've noticed a pretty steep drop in my libido.

This is the first time I've ever been on the pill, and I'm trying to figure out whether this may be related to the pill itself, or whether I'm just not that attracted to my boyfriend anymore (it's been 6 years)!

Any info or advice would be welcome.

What's this sexual lightning bolt that I feel?

KateHasQuestions — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:23:44 -0800

Whenever I am close to someone I am sexually attracted to, I feel this spark go through my whole body. Is there a name for it? Why does this happen and what's going on in my body? Ever since I first felt this spark when I was 13, it's how I know whether I am attracted to someone or not. I've kissed some guys I thought were ridiculously hot and not felt the spark and knew I didn't want to kiss them again, and then there've been times when I'm hanging out with some not so great looking dudes and I feel the spark even before there's any kiss or touching!

I've described it to a few friends and they always said "yea, it's the butterflies in your stomach" but it's not just butterflies and it's not just my stomach. It feels like a mini lightning bolt that starts deep inside below my stomach, or somewhere around where the uterus would be (I think), and within a second spreads throughout my whole body, down to my girly parts and my knees, and up to my hands, and it kind of takes over for a second and makes me a little dizzy and a little weak, at the same time giving me chills, and it feels so so good. If a spark-causing guy is holding my hand and doing that thing with moving his thumb around in a circle, the spark pretty much keeps going. If I think about the guy and the spark later I can re-create it over and over. It's kind of weird, but the spark is really easy to recreate if I have to pee and I'm squeezing to prevent that - so there's something there that's related to the pelvic muscles. After several months of being with one person the spark sometimes fades, but can be brought back with one really passionate kiss.

So what is going on physically when I feel the spark? Are millions of sexually excited neurons happily racing through my body? Is there a name for this phenomenon?

Amazing relationship, no sex

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:33:53 -0800

I love my SO but I'm no longer attracted to him. I've been with my boyfriend 3 1/2 years, and we are both in our late twenties. He is intelligent, gentle and creative, and even after years together I still find myself thinking of him throughout the day, and looking forward to seeing him when I finish work. He is a remarkable person and I cannot imagine my life without him. We don't live together, but he has moved into my part of the city, so we see each other several times a week.

Over the last maybe eight months however, I have felt less and less like sex, which I originally attributed to various changes in my life - I haven't been stressed out, but I have been busier than ever before with my (new) day job and my own artistic pursuits. Being the wonderful man that he is, my boyfriend has accepted this, and we have continued to be happy together.

Unfortunately, I've slowly started to realise that my libido hasn't really changed that much - I still experience attraction to other people, still have sexual thoughts, and still masturbate about as often as I used to. The problem is that I no longer want to sleep with my boyfriend - when I look at him the love I feel is stronger than ever, but any sexual feelings are completely gone.

We had the usual whirlwind of being sex-mad when we first started seeing each other, before settling into something less intense but still very satisfying, so I know that at one point I was absolutely crazy for him in that sense. My last relationship lasted nearly 5 years but hit a similar decline at about the 3 year mark, and realising the pattern I have tried to be more adventurous in bed in order to avoid the heartache this same problem caused the first time around. I've cast the net pretty wide with the things I've tried to introduce, but I just can't seem to get the feeling back. Part of the reason my previous relationship went on so long after the sex was dead was because I thought it was a phase, and stayed expecting things to turn around, which they didn't.

To be honest, I have been tempted to cheat on him - I miss sex and part of me feels like I should be having lots of it. But I think about how much it would hurt him if he knew I even thought about doing something like that, and I know I couldn't live with myself afterwards. But how will I feel a few years down the line? The thought frightens me.
I've thought about breaking up with him too, but as much as this situation sucks for me, life without him would be so much worse. It seems so stupid to ruin an amazing relationship over sex. He is still the (both inwardly and outwardly) beautiful man I fell in love with, and while he has been nothing but supportive, I know that our diminshed sex life has been difficult for him too. This has become more and more of a big deal for me as the months have gone by, and I'm tired of feeling guilty, frustrated, deceitful.

This is not a problem I can discuss with him, so I'm hoping some wise Mefis will be able to give me some insight. Can I get that feeling back? Is there some way I can approach thinking about this that makes it easier for me to live with? How have other people dealt with this problem?

Feminist commentary on female sexual preferences

Cucurbit — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:14:25 -0800

I'm interested in reading feminist commentary on female sexual preferences, especially on the near-universal (?) preference of women for taller and older men. What does the range of opinions within feminism look like, and what books or articles or essays ought I search for? Suggestions for materials that respond to feminist perspectives on this topic are also welcome.

The Rules of Attraction

Anonymous — Sun, 04 May 2008 12:05:53 -0800

Should I end things with a girl I've started dating who I like a lot, but whose body doesn't turn me on? I'm a 23 year old male and she is a 21 year old female. I've been on about four dates with her which have all gone very well. I like her a lot and she seems to feel the same way. I'd been on dates with a few other girls of late and I didn't click with any of them the way I clicked with this girl.

I think she has a very pretty face and I enjoy making out with her. The problem is that I don't feel very attracted to her body. She isn't fat but she's on the soft or slightly pudgy side, and I suppose I'm into more of an athletic body type. I'm a very lean guy myself.

On our last date we ended up making out and touching naked in my bed and I just wasn't very turned on. So I went down on her which she seemed to enjoy and after that we just cuddled and made out some more and she left at the end of the night. We didn't really discuss it, but I asked her if she expected to have sex with me and she said she was hoping she could wait as she tends to have sex with men very quickly. So I guess that's why she seemed fine with it and there was no awkwardness. I, however, had hoped before the date that we were going to have sex, but then I didn't get an erection and I felt bad. I was buzzed but not drunk and I didn't feel particularly nervous at the time, although I had been a little worried that this is exactly what would happen.

I've only had sex with one person and I experienced very similar issues with her. We were in a years-long relationship in college, I cared for her very deeply, but had trouble being turned on by her physically. We stayed together and eventually had a decent sex life, but it was never adventurous or totally fulfilling for either of us. I know that I'm into women and I don't think there's anything wrong with me physically. I have some kinks that I think are unusual but I feel like I can get turned on without them and that I shouldn't bring them up at the start of a relationship.

So should I break it off now, or give it another try? What should I say to her? I feel like this is embarrassing for me and potentially moreso for her and it makes me feel awful. Is it weird that I seemingly can't get aroused by a woman unless she's just right physically? Should I not let things get to this point with a woman in the future if I feel like this might happen? Am I a shallow bastard?

Throwaway e-mail address if you need it: luisborges.jorge AT gmail

Looking for an alternative to Nerve Magazine

haasim — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 20:56:24 -0800

I am looking for a magazine that would be interested in a story I've written about being in love without sexual attraction. Nerve is the only magazine that I can think of, but from the looks of things, I doubt they accept anything from writers outside of sunny California. My story isn't sexual explicit, but I don't think a mainstream/family-friendly publication would be interested in this. Does anyone have any suggestions for a Nerve-esque magazine (or zine) that accepts non-fiction that isn't supposed to make you horny?

If you're an obese man successful on the dating scene, what are your tips and advice?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 09:23:27 -0800

If you're an obese man who's been successful in the dating scene, please give me some tips and advice. As always, there's Having come off a bad relationship and a stressful time with a considerably larger physique, I find myself entering upon the dating scene as a morbidly obese guy — this being a new experience for me. (Not that my body was Adonisesque the first time around, mind you — I was more the tall and gangly type.)

I am feeling a little bit awkward and, despite being able to carry on a good conversation and having good listening skills, I am feeling as though (no offense to potential answerers) this obesity makes me an extremely unattractive partner to women, despite the fact that my diverse interests, conversational skills, etc. served me well in that regard in the past.

Obviously, though, this isn't the case — women evidently do fall for and like larger men. So, as suggested, I wanted to put the question to the overweight Mefite men who don't have problems actively dating women ...

Psychologically ... how do you do it? How did you convince yourself that your ... well, not to put it too nicely, but how did you convince yourself that that big ol' potbelly doesn't matter when you found the need to approach a girl for the first time? Unlike before, I find myself paralyzed by a voice harshly critical of my physique at the moment of truth which freezes up most of my "normal" ability to interact with women if a romantic element isn't involved. (And I unfortunately can't "fool" myself into engaging "friend-mode".) I can't have been the only fat guy to deal with this; how do you?

Fashion-wise ... having formerly dressed for a more thin physique, I'm at a loss as to what fashions and style flatter an obese man. My business casual garb also serves as my "nice event" garb, and I have a feeling it's probably not as flattering as other things might be: single-color polo shirt and black Dockers slacks. How do you dress to be comfortable yet impressive (or, failing that, uncomfortable yet impressive)?

And, by all means, if you have any tips or advice unrelated to the questions above, by all means, I would very much desire to hear them and learn from them. Also, if it matters in terms of a generational sense, I'm in my late twenties.

Getting Used to Dating and Sex with a Changed Physique

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 15:02:32 -0800

I have a question to ask of heterosexual women on Metafilter: are you as shallow as I am? Do you find overweight men attractive? I'm a few years out of college in my late twenties with a BMI of 45. I'm not Brad Pitt or George Clooney, but I'm tall; I have a friendly, open, and expressive face; I'm well-read and can hold my end of a convo down pretty well; and I have a decent job that's not a huge moneymaker (no doctor be I) but puts me on the low to middlin' end of "comfortable."

I know I need to get back down to "normal." I'm working on it now, and I do think I'll get there. But I did enough damage to myself (read: gained enough weight) that it's not going to be an instantaneous process (read: probably a good year or two), and frankly, I have no desire to be a monk in the meantime. But I'm finding that some preconceptions and a weird sense of body dysmorphia are dealing a rather severe blow to my confidence. I've not been on the dating scene in a good number of years: my last girl and I didn't break up due to my weight, but the last time I was dating, I was 'normal', and this time, I'm on the scene with a physique that has gone to pot more than a tad.

I wish to God that I could divorce physical attributes from my sexual attraction to someone. Right now, I can't seem to do that, and, as such, I find women who are equally as overweight as I am to be unattractive, and I have no interest at all in them as other than friends, as much as I'd like to be gallant enough to do so. Now, to clarify, I'm not saddled with an unrealistic attraction to stick-thin Paris Hiltons — I am attracted to utterly normal women (frankly, most of y'all out there look pretty damn hawt to me), and I do find attractive women who are curvy or who lean a bit towards the Rubenesque; I'm just saying that the end of the scale where pre-weight-loss Star Jones was, or Roseanne-during-Roseanne, or Edna Turnblatt, wouldn't have done it for me.

And, unfortunately, I'm on the equivalent end of the male scale of where pre-weight-loss Star Jones was. (Award for the most convoluted sentence goes to ... ) I'm John Goodman-in-Roseanne-esque. And knowing that I can't find myself attracted to Star, or Roseanne, or Edna, or women carrying around a similar amount of weight, I find it very hard — in fact, outright impossible — to believe that a woman could look at me, or anyone with my body type, and find her sexual engine getting a little revved up, like a few did here and there with my old physique. Even though my brain knows that supposedly women judge on different criteria, I also know Clooney and Pitt don't sell movies just because they're good actors. So I'm hoping that perhaps the women of Mefi could either say, "Yes, you're right, you're just not sexy at this point, lardass," so I can stop wondering and start getting used to cold showers, or "No, you're not. I know from personal experience that ... " and share, well, what they feel comfortable.

I also know enough to know that women respond to confidence, and that a lack of confidence can show pretty clearly unless you're a good actor. That's another concern, obviously, I'm hoping to address with this question. If I can end up with enough material to quiet the voice in my head — "shut up, you, four out of five Mefite women prefer peppermint mouthwash" — maybe I can actually focus on the other things that terrify me about starting to going up to strange women again, instead of walking into the situation feeling like I'm wearing a strange-fitting fat suit. :-/

Finally, I have one last question. It is more than a bit on the graphic side, and I'll admit it is very likely thinking too far ahead. It's a question central to men's sense of "maleness," for good or for bad. A well-intentioned friend who I could now just friggin' hit over the head with a Nerf bat forwarded me an e-mail forward quoting Dr. Ruth as saying that men "lose" an inch for every 40 pounds gained. Anyone know if that's really the case? It does indeed feel like it's shrunk. And there definitely is also a visual comparative scale thing given that the man's gut hangs above his penis. If you have had an overweight sexual partner, were you satisfied with his length? Flaccid at the moment, it's visually really rather embarrassingly minuscule — and I think my outright nightmare is disrobing in front of a lady and having a woman laugh at its size. Erect, it's still probably a good four and a half inches, but that's definitely less than it used to be; I remember measuring myself in college at about near seven. It's perhaps the very definition of the word "emasculating."

P.S. Obviously, I come across in the above as a bit of a nutcase. That's because I'm cranking down about twelve layers of shielding and actually being quite blunt about the problem with you. Please rest assured that these insecurities are not out and displayed in full force during a date!

Is "your type" hard-wired in youth?

whitneykitty — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 10:32:39 -0800

Is the type of person you're attracted to or consider attractive hard-wired in you during childhood? I remember reading an article several years ago about how people's types are hardwired in them by the age of six. Have warm, fuzzy interactions with a red-haired, shy boy in the sandbox, you'll grow up with a thing for red-haired shy boys. I can't find the article or even a book explaining more about this.

I genuflect before the awe-inspiring and awesome AskMeFi :)

Thanks!

Is there anyone who is attracted to no one?

molybdenum — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 12:26:36 -0800

Do people ever exist who lack any attraction toward any other human being? Heterosexuals like the opposite sex; homosexuals like the same sex; bisexuals like both. The remaining category is neither. Does that ever happen?

I.e., do any people exist who simply don't find human beings attractive at all? I'm restricting the domain to adults who are otherwise physically and psychologically healthy.

"Attractive" is a bit vague, so it's fair to divide the question into parts: a) is there anyone who is sexually mature (i.e. old enough and all the plumbing works) but not sexually attracted to anyone?, and b) is anyone not romantically attracted to anyone?

For the second question, I suppose you could claim that plenty of men see women purely as sex objects and not as romantic partners...but I'm inclined to say those men are still "innately" romantically attracted to women, they just lack the maturity / worldview / whatever to recognize it. But let's avoid that rat's nest: what I'm looking for is some condition like bisexuality, only the opposite. Of course, if such people existed, they wouldn't reproduce, so this would be a self-limiting trait. But I wonder if it ever spontaneously appears.

(I'm not trying to diagnose someone, by the way, this is just curiosity)

What do Blind people find sexy?

jason's_planet — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 17:21:18 -0800

For most people, physical attraction is visual. So how do Blind people become attracted to someone in the absence of visual stimuli? For most people, especially men, physical attraction is a heavily visual thing. We're drawn to the curves of the beloved's body. We like faces. We like shades of hair. We like the way the clothes they pick flatter their figures.

So how do Blind people find people sexually attractive in the regrettable absence of all this wonderful visual stimuli? Blind people are sexual beings just as much as sighted people. So what turns them on? Voices? Smells? Personalities?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from Blind people or people who are, or have been in relationships with Blind people.

Attraction across races

Big Fat Tycoon — Fri, 03 Jun 2005 08:13:35 -0800

Are you attracted to people of races different from your own? I pose this question not to be inflammatory, but because it's one of those semi-taboo questions that I think might not always be answered honestly or seriously, and I think AskMeFi is one of the better places to pose it.

I'm ethnically Asian, and I'm attracted to white women, for the most part. Now, there could be endless debates as to why that is, but suffice to say I grew up in North America in a mostly white enclave. The problem for me is that I find it very difficult, compared to my white friends, to attract women that I'm actually attracted to -- this issue was brought home when I lived in Asia for a while and discovered that local women found me quite attractive but I didn't usually feel likewise. The same goes for my most recent foray into online personals, where my white friends have garnered a great deal more interest than me. Now, perhaps it's some aspect of my attitude that is causing this, but it seems like it is a factor. An average-looking white man I feel will garner more interest than an equivalently average-looking Asian male in this society. My cousin, also raised in North America, has bumped into similar problems, where women have actually said, "I don't Asians" to his face.

So, in this seemingly increasingly multi-cultural world, is this a natural "prejudice" that still remains in you? If you have particular tastes in this area, are they related to physical factors (look of eyes, skin color) or is it a cultural issue? Do you feel you have a fetishistic interest in other races, if you do find other races attractive? If you aren't attracted to other races, why not? Is this something I just have to accept, since attraction is tied to so many subconscious and irrational factors?

Friendship vs Attraction

justin — Sun, 12 Dec 2004 02:32:02 -0800

How does one best handle attraction to friends of the appropriate sex, in rather complex situations? (vastly more inside) First of all, I met said friend during what is highly likely to be the worst period in my life (crushing depression). There were numerous, horrific fuck-ups ultimately resulting in a half year or so of imposed separation (due to my insanity).

Following extensive medication and therapy, things are looking peachy. Aforementioned friend and I are as close as ever -- however, the true extent of my feelings for this friend are best described as novel, in that there has never been anyone I have felt as deeply for.

I have expressed my feelings before, under dubious mental states, and been soundly rebuffed. But I think everyone would recognize the difference between then and now, and my general feelings have not changed. She is dating some one at the moment, but has told me it is not serious.

I suspect that despite being a very, very good friend, I lack some subtle qualifications that make me attractive to her. The obvious ones I have made tremendous progress towards correcting. Correspondingly, things seem more vague now.

Should I say something? Or wait for her to make the first move? Or be done with her and move on? Or spend the rest of my life waiting for her?