Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with selfishness

Does humanitarian work inevitably leave you bitter?

daelin — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 07:03:50 -0800

My friend is going to Kenya and Uganda to do some humanitarian work this summer. She's afraid that when she returns she'll be disgusted by the shallowness of people's problems and concerns back home, to the point of being unable to relate to anyone. Is this likely, and if so, can it be prevented? Should it be prevented? As part of her preparation my friend went to a talk given by someone who worked as a midwife in Darfur. The midwife spoke about how when she arrived back home, things people would complain about (like, say, bad haircuts) made her furious because they were so disconnected from the far more serious problems going on in the rest of the world. She even told one of her best friends, "I don't give a shit about your problems," apparently. All this worries my friend, who's planning on going into health development later in life; she fears becoming bitter and disillusioned and constantly frustrated after a few years in that line of work.

For my own part, I am obviously not too keen on getting that sort of response if I try to lean on my friend for support after she's gone and come back. But the truth is, it seems that I would deserve it, because the things that trouble my life are pretty petty and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and I really don't do anything philanthropic at all (well, I give to charity, but I consider that a minimum expectation rather than something significant). Is it best to just accept that that's the sort of outlook - one that seems quite justified - that my friend may grow into, and that consequently she may drift away from me? Do selfish people like me only deserve friends who are similarly selfish?

I'm sorry if this is rather a mishmash of questions; I am asking partly on her behalf, but also on mine. Any advice - anecdotes, correction of my premises, whatever you think would help - would be deeply appreciated. Thanks in advance, MeFi.

How do I stop feeling like I'm living someone else's life?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:50:54 -0800

How do I stop feeling so detached from everything? Sometimes I truly feel engaged with my life, attached to my loved ones, and comfortable with the choices I have made in life. But inevitably, I fall back on what seems to be my default state: aloof, noncomittal, chafing at the expectations others place on me, and unable to empathize or care for anyone else. It seems like every few days I'm ready to drop everything, hit the road, and start my life over somewhere new.

There was a time years ago when I thought the answer was to never settle down. Constant travel, falling in love a hundred times over, that kind of life seemed the only way to feel alive. But I just couldn't handle it and eventually gave in to the pleas of those who love me to not throw away my talents, to go back to school, get a good career, start a family.

I have all that now, but so much of the time a feel like a ghost or like I'm watching someone else's life. It's often quite obvious that I'm just going through the motions of my life.

I'm an asshole, I know. A whiner. I should just suck it up and get on with life. Well, sucking it up is exactly what I'm doing. I just want to know if it's possible, that one day I'll stop feeling this way and really know who I am.

Have any of you ever felt this way? Have any of you ever overcome it once and for all?

Ambition vs. Altruism

uxo — Thu, 08 May 2008 06:16:16 -0800

Ambition vs. Altruism: How do you know if you are going "too far" in terms of self-interest or self-sacrifice? Do you ever make long-term goals and plans for yourself (like wanting to make X amount of money, or writing a book, or traveling, etc.), and then end up questioning yourself, thinking "Aren't I just being overly selfish?" "Shouldn't I concentrate on helping others in some way instead?"

I find that when I make any type of "grand plan" or long-term ambitions for myself, I will hear this "accusatory voice" inside my head.

Has anybody else felt this type of conflict, between ambition and altruism? Have you managed to resolve it in your life? Is the internal conflict just something you live with? Or maybe my problem is that I'm just being too damned self-absorbed? And the voices are right? I would like to hear your perspective.

Some background: I'm not sure where the accusatory voice telling me to "help and serve others" is coming from, but I have a couple of guesses as to its origins. I grew up in an environment where self-sacrifice was praised, lauded, and encouraged. I am also female, so I also wonder if I've simply absorbed something that has traditionally been encouraged in women.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing to be both self-interested AND to help people. But this voice inside bothers me, because it seems like its telling me "you can't be both." And that I shouldn't just be helping people as a side activity, but making it MY MISSION IN LIFE.

I don't know to what extent I should heed this voice to be altruistic and abandon my person ambitions. I don't know whether it's a voice that comes from my own intuition, or has been conditioned in me by others.

I have a feeling this might be a cultural issue, and that other women, particularly American women, might know where I'm coming from. But I could very well be wrong. In any case, I welcome anyone's and everyone's perspective here.

Sorry if this is rambly and jumbled...I hope I have conveyed a sense of my problem here: not knowing whether the guilt I feel from having personal ambition is justified or not.

you CAN always get what you want...

rubberfish — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 05:57:03 -0800

i'm looking for songs about selfishness. the tricky part is, i'm looking for lyrics that celebrate or accept selfishness as the way the world works nowadays. with all apologies to the rolling stones, you CAN usually get what you want nowadays -- if you live in a first-world nation. where's the music about that?

Help me find a fable about selfishness?

mr. remy — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 17:54:35 -0800

[Literary archetype filter] I'm looking for short moral tales / folk stories / fables with themes of selfishness and pig-headedness. Specifically, I need stories about somebody who focuses so intently on X that they don't realize they're alone and screwed until too late. I'm finishing the edit of a young adult manuscript that is significantly improved by little epigrammatic chapter headings that symbolically crystallize the action of each chapter. Sort of a story-in-the-story.

Unfortunately, the work that I've until now used for the epigrams is not in the public domain, and the (potential) publisher has asked me to find a substitution. The suggestion of Aesop's "Ant and the Grasshopper" has been made, but it is too common and simplistic.

What I need is a story about some character behaving bullishly in pursuit of a private goal, in spite of well-intended advice from others. Determined to go-it-alone. Until ... s/he realizes they are alone and it's too late, and there's a big bad punishment or consequence. The most important part of the story is the 'oh shit' moment.

Folk stories - from any tradition - get bonus points. And, for reasons I'm not gonna bother with here, stories with amphibians in them get double-extra points. Links? Thoughts?