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Am I Selfish?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 13:33:51 -0800

I have just broken up with my girlfriend, because I can't change. Can you help? This is a complicated topic, which I've tried to keep concise. Thanks in advance for reading!

I've just got back from the airport after one of the worst days of my life. My girlfriend has broken up with me.

Let me give you the (brief) background. We have been going out for three years. It has mostly been a long-distance relationship (me in England, her in Germany), but we have always managed to speak for an average of an hour every day on the phone, and visit each other at least every month.

The long-distance thing has been a strain at times, both on our finances and our time. We are both students (I'm 21, she is 20) and every period of free time (e.g. summer, easter and christmas holidays) has been divided between her place and mine. This has been at the expense of other things like holidays with friends, and time with our families.

The first time I can remember her talking about us having problems was about a year ago – she said that we would likely break up if I didn't start changing my priorities. Last year was my first year of university, and I was mostly concerned with making new friends, and going out and partying. I made time for our phone conversations, but sometimes I guess I did see the calls as a little more of a task than a pleasure – when my friends were doing something, I wanted to hang out with them, and shift the calls until later. When she came to visit though, we had a lot of fun, and enjoyed each other's company. This year, I think I've improved in this regard – partying has moved down my list of priorities, and she has in turn become more relaxed/flexible about our phone calls.

Over the last 6 months, however, things between us have been getting worse. Probably the main reason for this is what I affectionately call my “forgetfulness”. When asked to do something, especially by her, I mostly forget to do it entirely, or do it in the wrong way. For example, when she asked me to get a card for her dad's birthday, I said I would get it later, but then completely forgot about it. Or, on a recent trip, she asked me to bring some stuff from our hotel room. I brought too many bags as I wasn't sure which ones to get. This doesn't sound like much, but when this is happening literally 95% of the time, it obviously got to wearing her down, and making her think I didn't care about her.

I also am quite a passive person, something I think I got from my parents, who also avoid confrontation. When in an uncomfortable situation, I am not very likely to stand up for myself. She, on the other hand, is a strong personality – she stands up for herself, is outgoing, and loves to organise things, but she actually has little self-discipline. My passivity came across in our relationship when she would need my help, either to make her do something (e.g. study for her exams) or to help her with something (e.g. organise a holiday for us). I did not feel comfortable giving advice or telling her to do something, as I thought that she would be far better at organising than I am, and far more perceptive when it came to people. Now, I have got slowly, slowly better at standing up for myself. But the other problems are still there.

She has given me two deadlines in the past two months, saying that she wanted to see a definite change in me if we were to stay together. Both deadlines came, and went, and I hadn't changed. What did I do to change? I wrote what I wanted to change down on a list (Be confident, Take care of her, and be someone to look up to) and looked at it every other day. Then I tried to remember to be/do those things.

She arrived here, in England, about 10 days ago. On the first few days we had big arguments, mainly about me forgetting to do things, or, one time choosing to go out with my friends as I forgot that we'd discussed it and agreed to stay in together that night. We talked about it and agreed that when the end of her stay came (today) we would break up, as I'd shown her that I hadn't changed.

After that talk, we had very few (if any) arguments. We had a fun week, doing everything a couple should do, and trying to forget that I hadn't changed. This was not too difficult, as we have always got on well, apart from the arguments, and we fit well together.

Today, before she left (tearful and heartbreaking – we spent the last few hours just hugging), she gave me a few pieces of advice. 1. Don't follow other people – make up your own mind, and don't assume that they know better than you. 2. Try to look at arguments/situations from the perspective of a third person. That way you can more easily see it objectively. 3. Take responsibility for things – she said the reason that we were breaking up is because I had not changed, despite the fact that changing was entirely in my power.

This last one puzzled me, as I have obviously never wanted to be passive, or shirk responsibility, or not take care of her – it wasn't as if this was a concious choice not to change. I asked her about it. She said that my main problem was that deep down I was selfish.

She said that my forgetfulness came from not really caring or paying attention to what people were saying, because I had no real interest in it. i.e. when she told me to get the bags from the hotel, I didn't listen too closely. If she asked me to pack the car and I did it wrong, it was because I hadn't watched her packing it before – I didn't have a real interest in how she liked to have her car packed. (These are fairly trivial examples, but I hope they illustrate my point.) I hadn't changed because I had no real interest in doing so.

I would love to get back together with her (and from what she said, she would take me back), but I realise that my perspective may be a little skewed now having just experienced the break up. Objectively, it may give us a chance to see if the relationship is what we both want in the long-term, or whether we were just accepting it because this is what we've known over the last 3 years. Also, if I go back to her and I haven't changed, it will just hurt her all over again.

So this is where you, dear reader, come in. What I am hoping to do is change myself. I recognise that I have been selfish (not just with her, but also in dealings with my family as well) and I do not want to be like that any more. I want to be more analytical, more confident, and less selfish. Can you help me by giving your perception of the situation? Am I selfish/immature? If so, how can I work on myself to make me less selfish?

I realise this is a long post. If you've got this far, I'm so glad you stuck with me. I really appreciate it. Feel free to ask for any clarification you want, and bookmark this page as I will be updating the post as things progress!

Thanks in advance for your help.

How do I become more humble?

Scientifik — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 01:32:36 -0800

Help me become less selfish I'm selfish. I've had multiple people me that and it cost me a very good relationship this past summer. I'm used to taking charge of a situation in order to get good results. My attitude and personality have made me pretty successful at a young age and I feel like I'm "right" and other people who critique me or my methods are "wrong".

Examples are anything from steering my group of friend to what we should do on a Saturday night to ignoring my girlfriend because I need to get work done.

But typically the end result is a) everyone had a fun night on Saturday and b) I got my work done on time and thus have a good reputation at work which leads to more opportunities, raises, etc...

I justify it to myself but I feel terrible like I'm either manipulating things or I smarter than everyone else and "know best". I don't want to be this way and need some help to change.

Can I buy the bride a pair of reality goggles?

mcbeth — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 01:02:42 -0800

What do you do when buying a gift for friends soon to be (re)married but think the happy pair are being selfish twits? A not-my-best-friend kind of gal pal friend is getting remarried this month (wedding #3 for her, #2 for him). Both have successful, lucrative careers, both are 50+ yrs old. They want for nothing. They're combining two households, one of which the bride has already combed through to removed any possible trace of her betrothed's ex-wife.

The bride is turning their upcoming nuptials into a three day affair (dinner and drinks Friday night, wedding Saturday, brunch on Sunday). I picked two of the three events to attend and thought 'hey cool, that's the end of the moral dilemnas!', but no, I just visited their bridal registry and went limp upon seeing the cost and general uselessness of most of their registry items.

They're not a young couple. They aren't just starting out. They both have grown children. They can, actually, afford to buy themselves everything listed on their gift registry while many of their wedding guests cannot.

I'm (trying to) like them and don't want to be a major crabapple but c'mon, all that? And do I really have to buy these selfish friends a(nother) gift? I want to be as gracious as possible but I'm not particularly excited about overextending myself for my slightly attention-whoreish pal. Would bringing one nice bottle of wine or something other simple inexpensive tasteful thing be considered declasse or rude?

All I was able to come up with by way of advice via google was at Idotaketwo.com which advised second-timers:

"And speaking of gifts, be sure to register. Even if you don’t want gifts, some guests who love you may still want to give you something and need guidance. It’s also perfectly appropriate for encore couples to register."

C'monnnnn!

How to handle pushy former flame?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 06:03:13 -0800

Do I stay or do I go? A former flame wants to be a friend, and I'm honestly at wit's end about what to do. [long explanation] Backstory: Two years ago, we met, clicked, started hanging out, and then went on a couple dates. At one point, I finally kiss him. He freaks out, tells me things are complicated with him, and then disappears for 2 years. We reconnect out of the blue last year. He apologizes for running and offers a good explanation (a year of hell before we met, including a broken engagement, health problems, family issues, etc.). We began dating, but I was dealing with some issues of my own at the time and got nervous as things progressed between us. He noticed my discomfort and suggested we stop dating so I could focus on getting better, telling me he wanted me in his life no matter what, and reassuring me that he wasn't going anywhere (he was very busy with work and noted he probably wasn't going to be actively dating because of it). He offered no guarantees, but if the timing worked out when I was feeling better, said maybe we could try again. He was pretty busy then so we continued to infrequently hang out as friends, though we were both still giving pretty clear signals of being into one and other.

Three months later, I said I was ready to try dating again and got an initial "I'm not sure," followed up with a "I care for you very much, but the age difference makes me too uncomfortable," [he's 34 to my 24 and yes, this is something that has actively bothered him in the past for reasons that he hasn't been able to explain], "I won't be able to open up to you until you've had more good relationship experience," [I am admittedly quite inexperienced in both dating and sex, all so far bad], "the timing for us is bad; not now, maybe later," and we should plan on seeing other people in the future. His delivery was poor and I was upset; I didn't speak to him for awhile. We patched things up a month later but kept things limited to email for another month (until the beginning of April). When I finally offhand mentioned buying him a drink for something, he was surprisingly eager to get together in a way that left me not knowing what to expect. Over drinks, he casually mentioned that he'd started seeing someone else two hours away away (whom I later found out was likely not much older than me, ie a year or two). I played off the "Are you going to slap me?" comment he threw out after that, but it hurt to hear, especially because he didn't think it might hurt my feelings.

Now this guy persistently wants us to be friends. But lately, talking him is just hearing all about the good stuff going on in his life, with very little prodding from him about what I'm up to. I've always been pretty supportive of his career pursuits (I'm bit further along in a similar field), but now I almost feel like he's cultivating me networking contact. He's definitely planning around having me there as a resource over the next few months, without offering much support in kind. In the meantime, while I have some fun seeing him, I also find myself missing the guy I used to really enjoy hanging out with: the one who lost track of time talking with me until 2 am, who walked me home at night just to make sure I got there safely, and was more supportive/inquisitive about my life. Since we've stopped dating, that filter that stopped him from saying careless things that I'm sensitive to (for instance: a health issue) just isn't there anymore, though to his credit, he apologizes when I neutrally bring up that he's hurt my feelings. Honestly, I can't tell if this means he's self-absorbed or if I'm being oversensitive. He hasn't always been this way when we weren't dating, but I think this is the first time we've been hanging out when he hasn't been romantically interested in me.

I care for him and admire him a lot, so it's hard to just cut the guy out of my life (and our particular career paths mean we're going to be bumping into one and other in the future anyway). But I can't keep hanging out with him without raising the issue of how one-sided our friendship feels to me these days, and I don't think he'll get it. I also can't stand the thought of being there to watch things working out with his new girlfriend - or the thought of becoming the "second runner up" if they stop seeing one and other. I know I deserve better than that. He periodically raises my mental question of "Just what the hell is going on in this guy's head?" and I'm finally starting to run low on patience.

If you've gotten to this point, thanks for reading. What do I do, hive mind? Give myself some space for now? Just cut him out completely? Or do I to suck it up and make this friendship work right now? I really do want the guy that I met as a friend and want to be supportive over the next few months, but it's honestly painful and exhausting right now - I have no idea what would make it better. Or maybe I just need a bunch of people to yell at me for being too patient with this guy after reading all of this; my advising friends are mostly biased, not knowing him personally and still stuck on the 2-years-gone part and steadfastly disliking him to begin with, even after his apology. And I'm just so inexperienced with this kind of stuff that I think it's clear that I'm unsure of myself and how to handle things.

throwaway email, by the way: zutalors@sneakemail.com

My mother-in-law secretly baptized my Jewish children

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 20:33:26 -0800

I'm Jewish. My wife converted many years ago. I found out that my Mother-In-Law secretly baptized my children. My wife does not know.

Whatever respect I have for my mother-in-law is shattered. Along with my trust. I have no idea where to begin. How could a mother do this to her daughter? How could she mock my children's religion? How could a Priest allow this?

And it gets deeper. Person A told Person B. Person B, who could no longer keep this to themselves, cracked and told me. need to let person A know that B told me. Person A, who is very dear to me, is not in a position where I expected them to tell me. But A and B were put in an awful position of knowing this while my wife and I were in the dark.

I don't any real hard facts or evidence but now I need to find out what is going on. All I really know is that this was done swiftly with an at-home kit. I also learned that my MIL's current Priest, who only recently took over the church, expressed disapproval upon finding out that this happened.

My children are very knowledgeable and proud of their religion. I do not believe that they are damaged (no offense anyone)in the least.

I need to find out what happened and I need to deal with this. Of course, I have no idea how to break this to my wife. I figure that having facts will make this easier.

I have a good relationship with my father-in-law, I figure I can let him know I found out and discuss this. Considering the family dynamics, I'm sure that father-in-law didn't know about this act until it happened.

I feel like I can also ask the current Priest, as I have a good relationship with him; and I would expect a Priest to tell the truth.

Does helping others succeed hurt your own success?

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 07:59:41 -0800

Can helping aspiring authors succeed somehow help me, or does it hurt my own chances of being published? I am a not very successful author. I have published a book but did not make any money at it. I am still trying to have other books published. But because I am published, I sometimes get friends who will show me their manuscript to get my advice and opinion. Most of these are not very good, but sometimes I will find one which is very good. As in, much better than my own work. I fear them, because they are competition.

I think that if I give them encouragement and suggest they send their work to an agent, they will be in direct competition with my own books on the desk of the publisher, and they will win because their story is better. The publisher only has so many spaces for books to buy, and so he will choose to publish theirs instead of mine. And that will set my own dreams back that much farther. But I know that is spiteful of me and I would rather be able to encourage my friends without feeling that in the process I am shooting myself in the foot. I would like to genuinely be glad for them, without feeling like I hate them for beating me.

Can you please give me some kind of logical explanation, or cost/benefit analysis, or even philosophical thoughts, on why it's OK, or even good for me, to help others succeed in my place? Is there any way in this circumstance for their success to somehow benefit my own writing career? I have heard "a rising tide floats all boats", but it doesn't seem to apply when there is only so much ocean (or in this case, places on the yearly publishing lists) to go around.

Or, if this premise will not run, can you then tell me how I should scuttle their hopes and scare them away from my field, and how I can best steal their ideas and use them to further my own work?

selfish to confess a crush?

invitapriore — Wed, 26 Jul 2006 11:09:31 -0800

Would confessing my crush be selfish? I recently made an acquaintance with someone after spending time with a mutual friend. We discovered we had a lot in common and made a time to talk over some drinks. It was as friends, but after spending a few nights out with her I've developed a crush. She then invited me to spend three days at her house to do sound for a student short that was being filmed there by friends she had made during the summer session of her school, and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to pursue her, but to my dismay she seemed to have a lot of affection for one of the guys, as they would give each other massages, lie next to each other at night looking at the stars and talking, etc. She says she is single, and they never actually behaved with each other in a way that would indicate without a doubt that they are involved in any way, but she wasn't like that with anyone else.

Now, the members of that crew are all returning to their respective homes far away from here, and she's going to Los Angeles for a month in about a week. I return to school, which is also far from here, before she returns. Despite being 99% sure that I have no chance of anything happening, I would like to admit my feelings to her, as I would prefer to have a sense of closure.

My question is: would it be selfish to do so? Even if that 1/100 scenario took place and it turned out that she was just good friends with him and hesitant to admit anything to me (I don't think my actions thus far have communicated my actual feelings on any level), I still wouldn't be seeing her again for at least three months. If what I suspect is true and she doesn't have any feelings for me, then the awkwardness will be amplified by the fact that we won't have three months to spend together as friends to get over it. I'm not madly in love– should I keep this to myself?

Thanks for reading this screed.

Schizophrenics are selfish?

dagnyscott — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 15:48:43 -0800

Are schizophrenics really selfish? (warning: spoilers to an old episode of House) So I was watching House on DVD a while ago and there was the episode with a woman who they thought was schizophrenic, but eventually they decide she's not because she called protective services on herself, so that her son could have a more normal life. And they decide she can't be schizophrenic because she did something selfless.

I had never heard this before and it seemed like kind of an odd thing to be part of a diagnosis. Is it accepted wisdom? Is it backed up by anything? Or is it a plot hook?