Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with selfimprovement

Bad id! No biscuit.

Bardolph — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:51:41 -0800

Curbing impulses: what are some simple, in-the-moment tricks for interrupting reflexive behavior patterns and restoring self-control? The behaviors I've got in mind are mostly pretty minor, related to your garden-variety procrastination, mild social anxiety, and bad conversational habits. Problem is, though, that after years of self-indulgent reinforcement, I do a lot of this stuff semi-automatically-- emotional impulse leads seamlessly to problem behavior, without any self-conscious decision point in between. At the time, I may have a passing sense of "oh shit, here we go again," but it's not like there's ever a moment where I deliberately choose to duck into the bathroom instead of chatting to the passing coworker, or to click into Firefox instead of getting started on that dreaded monthly budget.

All this means that I'm at kind of a loss as to how to deal with these bad habits-- I understand and am working to address the bigger issues behind all this, but in the short term, fixing my thought patterns doesn't do much for what are, essentially, thoughtless actions. What I need are some on-the-spot ways to interrupt the knee-jerk impulse/action coupling, so I can get hold of myself, think, You know, I really don't want to do this, and with luck gain time to force myself into what I (rationally) know to be the correct behavior.

Since we're talking about automatic or sub-conscious behaviors, I'd be especially interested in possible physical/bodily interventions (for instance, a counselor friend tells anger-management clients to curb violent impulses by sticking their hand in a bucket of ice water-- anything like that, but less damp and messy?). Really, though, I'd welcome creative self-discipline suggestions of all stripes. O self-mastered Mefites, how do you do it? Teach me your secrets!

Small projects for a high-school senior on gap year.

zhang.chuck — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 11:48:49 -0800

Can anyone recommend some projects or self-improvement/self-studying for a high school senior taking a gap year between high school and college? I am already planning on doing some traveling and working at a job/internship, but I've heard from friends who have taken gap years that doing something for too long gets repetitive and detracts from the experience (especially since, as a high school senior, I will probably be going more for the "experience" of living in the real world rather than doing anything terribly meaningful).

I'm planning on doing a couple of different things for about three-four months at a time, and I expect some down-time in between.

I'd like to do something in that time-- but I'd probably want to put in 3-4 weeks of hard effort, rather than something that stretches out over a year. I'm interested in political science, history, economics-- generally, current events.

What can I do in that kind of time that will be personally meaningful and interesting?

Learning art skills?

mendel — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 16:29:55 -0800

I have no visual arts skills and want to change that this year. Where do I start? I'm starting from the basics. I didn't even take art in high school. I'm the guy who "can't draw". I do think I have an eye for graphic design, at least, but that's about it.

I bought a set of Sharpies tonight to decorate recipe cards and even then I don't really know what to do with them. I look through Flickr results for sharpie drawing and I don't know how I'd start being able to do ANY of that. Even short sketches, I don't know what to put in and leave out.

I remember reading the introduction of a "how to draw" thingy somewhere on the web that talked about the difference between grade-school drawing, where you draw a symbol for a house, a symbol for a window, a symbol for a hand, and so on, and "fine art" drawing, where you see the lines and draw what you see. I get that idea, but I have no idea how to accomplish it.

If I want to give myself the equivalent of a high-school education in visual arts -- learning to draw, learning to paint, sort of learning the techniques and the visual vocabulary and so on, without taking a course -- where should I start?

Is there a reason to be happy?

Anonymous — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 10:33:52 -0800

I'm not happy. Can I be happy? I'm unhappy with my life to the point that it's difficult to fulfill even modest obligations. For example, I'll set aside a free day to work on something; and when the time comes, I'll lay in bed and stare at the wall, dick around on the internet, drive around aimlessly, or otherwise shirk my responsibilities. It's not just that I'm procrastinating: I've grown to actively resent my life because it's no fun for me anymore. I feel bad about what I do, but I keep doing it.

I know I'm depressed, but what's worse is I can see logical reasons to be so. I'm in my late twenties, have a handful of dear friends, but oddball tastes that no one seems to get, and that sometimes make me feel alienated. I've never been in a relationship, and no girl -- aside from one in grade school who was tripping over herself around me, and to whom I was a sorrowful little asshole -- has ever been interested in me at all. What's worse again, is I can see logic in that as well. I'm not bad looking, a bad dresser, a bad conversationalist, or unemployed, but I am very below average height (5' 2"), a drop-out, and neither a smooth talker nor a killer disco dancer. I don't even know whether I'm interested in a relationship or not, and am afraid it'll be obvious it's all so foreign to me.

I frequently do things like radically change my appearance, or make big impulse buys, or provoke people, or do things that scare me, just to jolt myself from my general state of creeping numbness. I read constantly, I work full time, I volunteer, I go to parties, I've improved myself over the years; and yet I feel virtually nothing on a typical day.

I just want to feel something better than what I'm feeling now.

gulfstreamjet@yahoo.com

Help me find inner peace through my Ipod

Otis — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 05:47:49 -0800

Please help me achieve inner peace on my morning commute. Looking for audio book recommendations. I've found that listening to self-improvement audio books on my daily commute really helps cut down the amount of stress and road rage I experience. This is a good thing for myself, my family, my co-workers, my fellow travelers on the road and pretty much all of the central Ohio area. However, I'm running out of books and would like some suggestions for new titles...please save us all.

Are there any audio books that have had a real transformational effect on you? Titles that you recommend to everyone you know? Titles you return to for inspiration?

To give you an idea of the kind of thing I might be looking for, I just finished listening to "Happiness" by Matthieu Ricard. I like that Ricard has a scientific background and brings a "matter-of-fact" approach to his work. I also like the more informal, lecture style of delivery rather than someone who just sits down and reads their book. Thanks everyone!

How can a loser like me change, and get more involved in the world around me?

Ephilation — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 13:06:12 -0800

How can a loser like me change, and get more involved in the world around me? With the recent election of Barack Obama to the presidency, I've finally come to realize that there is a certain path to greatness that people seem to follow. Obviously, people have to be at the right place at the right time in a lot of cases, but still, there are people who shape their destinies, and I want to be one of those people.

First, a little background about me. I'm a loser, and by that, I mean that I have lived a very sheltered life. I was given most things that I wanted in my life because my parents are fairly well off, and that was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing in that I had access to a lot of benefits in my life, but it was also a curse in that I never learned how to do a lot of things for myself or how to get involved in the greater society around myself.

So, I'd like to improve myself, starting now. I'd like to find activities or openings in the community around me where I can apply myself, helping both the community around me, as well as helping myself in the process.

But, in what capacities can I do this? Volunteering immediately comes to mind, but I've done volunteering before, and I don't want to be basically someone's glorified servant (if I'm going to be stuck in that position). Are there any places I can call in order to ask about this? Are there any websites I can look at? I have no idea where to start; all I have is a drive to make this happen.

I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan by the way. Thanks in advance.

Busy my Autumn!

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 07:48:59 -0800

So I just broke up with somebody I've been dating for several years. For the next few months I want to keep busy, improve my health, and do some things with my spare time. I'm thinking nanowrimo in November, and maybe something like the 100 pushup challenge. I'm cycling to work. What other daily self-improvement-y 'lifehacks' will make me healthy, happy and wise as I get over the bump? I assume I'll get some responses like "You can't avoid thinking about/working through this breakup, and it isn't healthy to do so" or "stop avoiding the difficult parts of your life!" I completely agree with that sentiment, and thanks for them. But it takes me a long time to drift into sleep in the evenings, so I've pretty much got a half-hour every day set aside where I can't think about much else.

I'm looking for projects and things that can be done cheaply and slot easily into a day - the press ups example being a prime example of 'takes-up-ten-minutes a day and has tangible improvement'.

Help me fix myself up as I'm sorting myself out.

"Brain Training" via videogames: breakthrough or big lie?

phylum sinter — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 22:29:25 -0800

Brain Training Games like Brain Age are a big hit lately -- Do you think they actually improve cognition? [Note: already aware of this thread about sharpening the mind in general. Good advice over there.]

Being both a gamer and a fan of brains puts me right at the intersection of this demographic.

Brain Age 1 & 2 (for Nintendo DS), Brain Challenge (for PC, and Lumosity (browser/online) all have similar claims - improve memory, focus, cognition and reaction time through simple puzzles.

Certainly sounds great, and i'd like to believe that this type of training actually increases my mental capacity outside the game. That said, i am not alone in my skepticism of a game's ability to do this on its' own. There are lots of studies that seem to show both positive and null effects of these games. The biggest problem seems to be that the bulk of the positive results seem focused on showing how well peoples scores within the framework of the game after practice, and not much else.

Does anyone have any evidence, anecdotal or academic in nature that shows more concretely how much these games can actually improve cognitive function?

I don't want to make New Year's Resolutions. I want to actually get stuff done!

Metroid Baby — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 11:17:36 -0800

It’s almost the New Year! There’s a lot I want to accomplish in 2008, but I find New Year’s Resolutions to be kinda lame, plus I always end up forgetting them by February. I’d like some sort of substitute that will get me excited about self-improvement right away and still keep me going strong for months/years to come. Ritual value is nice, but more importantly, it has to work. This past year has been full of accomplishments I’m proud of; however, there’s still a long way for me to go. There are things that I really have to get done (e.g. get my finances in order, find a better job) as well as things I want to do (learn to jump rope, be a better blogger, etc.) These aren’t really things that I need to start on January 1 – in fact, the more pressing ones I need to start right now – but I’m not sure how much I can reasonably accomplish while navigating through the stress and baked goods of the Christmas season. So New Year’s it is, for practical as well as symbolic reasons.

However, I don’t really like the idea of the New Year’s Resolution; they seem like an empty gesture to me. I never remember any resolutions I make for more than a few weeks, so of course I never stick to them. I also don’t want to do everything at once starting in January; that seems like a recipe for instant burnout.

What I’m looking for, in short, is a way to plan for the year rather than a list of resolutions.

I’ve already started with some of this by getting a notebook and tracking my goals and progress, though even that is not completely organized. I’m naturally disorganized and not a great planner (another thing to work on this year), so any and all suggestions are welcome. Bonus points, of course, to something that you or someone you know has tried with success.

Help! I'm a stuffaholic.

Metroid Baby — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 16:24:05 -0800

I’m not materialistic, just far too attached to my worldly possessions. How can I break my addiction to stuff? I have too much stuff, and I keep accumulating more. A lot of it is stuff I don’t really need: tchotchkes, clothes and accessories I rarely wear, perfume and makeup in quantities beyond what I can reasonably use. I’m both a shopaholic and a packrat, and on top of it all, I’m terribly disorganized and often can’t figure out where to even put all my stuff. I’d like to have less, but my attempts to simplify, clean things out, or stick to a budget never work out in the long run. I’ve given away countless boxes and bags full of things I don’t need, but I can never pare my belongings down to "just the essentials," and I inevitably accumulate more than enough stuff to make up for what I’ve discarded.

The thing is, I love stuff. I love getting it and I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. I’d rather go shopping than see a movie or go out drinking or read a great book. Even a visit to the supermarket has me running around like a magpie on ecstasy. Gifts with purchase, limited editions, attractive packaging, clearance racks – I’m a sucker for every marketing gimmick in the book, even though I know better. On the other hand, I’m much more hesitant to follow through with purchasing things I truly need: I can’t bring myself to spend $100 on a digital camera, even if I really want it, but I can drop the same amount of money on glittery makeup or yarn without much thought or regret.

Part of my immense pile of stuff stems from my creative nature. Nearly all of my hobbies have been hands-on, crafty things: I knit, crochet, draw, and dabble in several other crafts. I’m comfortable with having a large stash of art supplies if I know I’ll use them – I’m not a planner and like to have a bunch of different things on hand for inspiration. On the other hand, my stash grows faster than I can tackle it, and it gives me a too-easy excuse to make impulse purchases, and hang on to things longer than necessary, because "I know I’ll find something cool to do with this!!"

The bigger reason, I suspect, is that most of the objects I buy and own greatly appeal to my senses. They either look interesting, smell good, or are soft to the touch. I can spend a surprising amount of time experimenting with my dozens of colors of eyeshadow or sniffing all of my perfumes. (Does this make me weird?) I also have a very short attention span with my things: I will love the fragrance of one soap today, but in a week I’ll find a soap that I think smells even better. I can’t imagine accessorizing in neutrals or sticking to one signature scent for years. I wonder if the solution may involve finding another way to stimulate my senses, but I can’t imagine what a good substitute would be.

I have a feeling that I could successfully curb my impulse buying and finally get organized if I could just get over my attachment to all my stuff. Or is it the other way around - should I tackle the clutter and the budget first? Either way, I don’t know what to do to change, or if it’s even possible. How can I learn to be happier with less?

I'm Bipolar and Disorganized -- Please Help

SteveTheRed — Wed, 16 May 2007 17:12:54 -0800

I'm trying to get my life organized. As I've mentioned here before , I'm also bipolar. Any ideas? I've always been insanely disorganized. I constantly find myself in situations where I have to take "emergency actions" to make up for very poor planning and organization. I have bought socks many times on the way to work. I don't know how to prioritize. I don't multitask. Life seems like an overwhelming torrent of tasks that I can't possibly get done.

I have noticed that if I can dedicate myself to one thing, I can do that one thing very well. I am back in school for a bachelor's degree in Informatics and Biology. I get good grades only because as each assignment becomes due, I dedicate my time and effort to doing it well. Unfortunately, this comes at the expense of everything else. This would be OK if I were only a young college student, but I'm in my mid-30s and have a wife, three special needs boys and a decent job for which I am responsible. I can't seem to slice my time to meet all of my obligations. I can't even find the knife!

Then there is the bipolar thing. I have a very rapid cycle that is somewhat controlled by medication (it was horrible), which I have been on for ~10 years. When I'm somewhat manic (like today), I have an easier time managing things than when I am depressed. When I am depressed, I mostly sleep and get very little done. I mention the bipolar disorder because you may find it pertinent in giving advice.

I've looked at GTD and I've tried all manner of calendars, reminders, Remember the Milk, etc. I'm hoping for something deeper: How do I get started with organization from a base of utter chaos? I have a strong desire to achieve my goals in life but I know that I don't have a prayer without a plan.

How to not screw up my kid?

justonegirl — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 16:40:43 -0800

How can I get past the fear that I'm totally going to botch the very important job of parenthood, and just be a good mom? (I realize this is one of the kinds of questions a lot of people hate -- my apologies in advance.)

My son is now 3 months old, and I'm relieved to see him starting to develop a very happy disposition for the most part. I'm also delighted to be able to interact with him more, as he is now responding to me and others.

What's bothering me, though, is this steadily worsening fear that I'm going to mess him up. Not in any major way -- please don't think I'm referring to harming or neglecting him! I just look at parenthood as such an amazing gift, and what an incredible opportunity it is to be able to influence and help to shape a human being. Yet, I feel unworthy in so many ways, and extremely fearful that I'm going to be a very "average" parent. I find myself thinking constantly about what kind of person my son is going to be, and how I feel personally responsible for making sure the child, teenager and adult he becomes is "good" (for lack of a better word). I'm forever reading and perusing parenting sites and thinking about stuff to do with/for him, but the idea of overcoming my personal issues is overwhelming and I'm feeling really anxious. I've posted anonymously before about feeling stuck in a rut, paralyzed from actually doing anything to improve myself, break bad habits, and reach my goals. I don't want this kind of inertia to affect my child; I don't want to wake up and realize he's 3 (or 9 or 18) and I've let him down. I myself have a mom who spent much of my childhood either actively depressed or just "getting by," i.e. doing the bare minimum day to day while I sort of languished in school, activities, social interaction, etc. I'm terrified of being like her, and yet my own experience as an adult seems to have mirrored my mom's in a lot of ways already.

I guess my question is this: is it possible to overcome personal habits/traits like inertia, procrastination, fear of failure, etc. in order to be a better parent? And if so, are there practical tips for doing so? Anecdotes or just straight up advice are deeply appreciated.

Where can a girl go to get her head clear for free in this country?

rileyray3000 — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 17:34:19 -0800

My girlfriend wants somewhere to, in her words, "detox" in the USA. But it's not drug or booze related. She wants somewhere go, chill, clear her head, be quiet for a while and concentrate on starting her life again. And she wants to do it for free. Any ideas? She's had a really rough year. She's taken her lumps, professionally, personally and familywise. Now she's ready to move across country and start again. But I think she wants to reset her clock somewhere before she dives into something with both feet. Thus her "detox" plan. I know she'd like something in the pacific northwest - mountains, fresh air, etc.

But...she's poor.

I offered to pay for something I knew about but she's kind of against it. I mean, if it's not too much, I'm happy to spring for it on her behalf. I want a person to better themselves. But I don't think she wants to start her new life in debt to me. She says it'll take away from the experience.

So it's up to you folks. I waited two weeks to ask this question and gave up on my fairly important question I had ready (something about program replacements for Norton Ghost) but if it's what it takes to help her, well then I just gotta use my question for her.

So in the spirit of the new year, give me your best: what buddhist monasteries, 60's communes or special programs does anyone know about that might help her to get her head clear? She's up for anything, but, at the same time I want to steer her clear of anything that might end up with me calling an anti-cult counselor in six months. I don't want to trade one spiritual monkey on her back for another.

What should I be when I "grow up"?

weirdoactor — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 08:45:00 -0800

Based on my job skills, what should I go back to school and study, in order to have one of those "career" thingys? I’ve recently come to the realization that my dream of being a working actor may be just that; a dream. I’m not giving up on my artistic pursuits; I’m just trying to rearrange my life in order to maximize my ability to earn money (that sounds better than “I’m giving up on my dreams and selling out to the man”).

I’m thisclose to being engaged to a really wonderful woman (literally, days away), and I’d like to start living my life in a slightly more adult fashion (i.e., I’d like to have health insurance, a pension, and be able to save some money). I’m one of those “smart people” who got sick of high school and dropped out. I went to college for a short time, but stopped, and never went back. I’ll be 36 next year, so I’m not a spring chicken, but I’m also not ready for shuffleboard and prune juice just yet.

I currently do a lot of temp/contract work. Over the last 18 months, I’ve discovered that I’m really great at database management; I’m currently on a long-term contract in the recruiting department of a big company, helping them clean-up, organize and maintain their candidate database. It’s a terribly healthy outlet for my OCD, and unlike many jobs I’ve had in the past, I may even love it! Most temp jobs make me want to just goof off most of the day, doing the bare minimum to not get fired; at this job, I’m sad to go home (overtime is encouraged, and there’s plenty to do), and happy to get to work in the morning.

In terms of other job skills, my theatre experience has also made me good at managing logistics, manpower, and time. I also have a lot of experience in event management and party planning. Jeez, this post is starting to sound like a cover letter. Sorry.

I’ve decided to go back to college in order to expand my career options beyond the temp/contract world. Based on my love of/great skill at organizing data, managing logistics, event planning, and generally bringing order to chaos, what would be a good path for me to take? I apologize for the length of this post, and would appreciate any advice the hive mind could provide, especially from individuals who have been in similar situations before. Thanks!

How do I productively fill my free time?

Willie0248 — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 09:34:09 -0800

I suddenly find myself with excessive amounts of free time. What are some fulfilling and productive ways to fill it? I've somewhat successfully whittled away most of the wasted time that usually filled my days. Good for me!

However, I never thought too far ahead with the project. What do I do with these shiny new blocks of free time? My typical daily schedule includes classes, work, and exercise, with my social life addressed in the evenings and weekends. How can I significantly improve my life through the proper use of my free time?

There are a couple of nuances to the situation. First, my work hours are unpredictable and tend to take priority over any other activity when they are required, though they never occur later than 7:00pm and never on weekends. Second, I live in deep rural Texas. It is necessary for me to live here while I finish my Master's degree, but in the meantime there isn't much here of which to take advatage.

techniques for creating new habits needed

matholio — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 03:05:24 -0800

Does anyone know any techniques for creating new habits. I find it fraustrating that the habits I do have and don't want, are hard to break, and the habits I want are hard to establish. Thanks Even something simple like : "Drink a glass of water everytime I put the kettle on" or "go to bed at a reasonable hour" seems to start out well but then some time later, I realise I'm not doing it any more.
I usually don't remember the point I stopped doing something.

Perhaps identifying an approaching failure state is the trick.

Paid Thinking Time... but what about?

ElfWord — Thu, 18 May 2006 10:41:18 -0800

I work at a national retail store full-time, and the majority of the time when I'm not working the register it's all very simple stuff like straightening and folding clothes. It only takes maybe 15%* of my focus. I need suggestions for things to think about, mental games, and methods of mental improvement to take up the other 85%. I don't want every hour I work to be just a wasted hour of my life(getting paid notwithstanding), so I'd like to find some way to at worst entertain myself, at best improve myself. Some info about my mental strengths/weaknesses:
I'm creative, knowledgeable about a lot of random stuff, communicative, and am good with words.
But I'm poor at visualizing, not great with numbers, and my memory is inconsistent.

Final requirement is that it can't use props, since I'll be on the sales floor and can't carry a book or Ouija board around with me.

And no, I'm not on commission, and yes, I always help customers first. A lot of days it's slow though and I just have a lot of freetime.

*Source: M.Y.A.S.S. Database, 2006.

Benefits of monastic stay?

diocletian — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 09:57:16 -0800

I'm thinking about spending some time at a monastery. Long story short, I'm a frustrated and not very happy university student, and I think it might be good for me to take some time to think about the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. At the same time, it would be nice to get out of my hometown, since I haven't had a vacation in years, and I could avoid the crushing heat for a little while.

The question: has anybody had any experience with staying at a monastery? Is this likely to be a beneficial experience for me, or might it just exacerbate my feelings of isolation? I like reading, hiking, getting up early in the morning, and other monkly activities. Yes, or no? Thanks, any input appreciated (I really don't want to get there and realize that I traveled several hundred miles only to feel worse).

I was smart, but now I'm just stupid...

twiggy — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 12:21:48 -0800

Emotional Intelligence - can I regain it? How much damage/habit can be undone? Looking for book recommendations and/or mental exercises. [long inside] This is very personal, and I half-wanted to post this anonymously, but I really respect the AskMe community so I'm throwing this on the table and sharing it.

[The very quick version for people who don't want to read it all is this: I was once incredibly gifted. Bad things happened to me and I feel like I lost that gift and also created some bad habits/behavioral reaction patterns. I'm looking for a way to repair that. Now for the detailed version...]

I will try to keep this as short as I can, but don't want to be overly scant on details so it's still long. Basically, I was a "gifted" child - speaking in full sentences before I was a year old.

My parents wanted to cultivate it and not let me be hindered by rather lackluster accomodations of public schools, so they grouped up with other parents when I was very young, and actually created a school for gifted children.

I went there until 5th grade, when money ran out and times became very troubled for my parents, financially. At that point, I was cast back into the public school system having spent all of my childhood only conversing with other very intelligent kids and even moreso with adults. I was completely at home talking about news or technology with my Dad's friends, even when I was a young kid, for example. My IQ tests were somewhat insane, and as we all know, "intelligent" people are often not the most well praised by their peers. That, combined with being short and skinny, made for a difficult experience.

Difficulty became trauma as years went by - I was the victim of a lot of physical and mental bullying. There were multiple occasions where my life was in fact in danger -- to people who I'd barely spoken a word to. I was at the receiving end of vicious bullying by individuals and groups, and it screwed me up big time. My academics suffered, and I changed from an overachiever to an underachiever. I was still "smart", but I just didn't care anymore - grades were meaningless to me. I got mostly A's and B's for a while, then as high school came and went I found myself getting a considerable number of C's. More notably - I found myself incredibly depressed to the point that my health and safety were in danger. The plus side of all of this is how much I learned about social interaction. I was not the socially inept type of nerd, in fact quite the contrary, but I was not good at interacting with the whole "hierarchy" in public school as a dork/outcast. I developed quite a persecution complex, which probably amplified my feelings of depression, loneliness, etc. I was always in a state of "fight or flight", afraid to walk the halls for fear of verbal of physical abuse, and sometimes even afraid to walk home the same way every day. This led to me being sick quite often, and developing a big problem with insomnia.

Thankfully, a trip off to college made a world of difference for me. I continued to underachieve academically, and got mostly B's and C's but did manage to get a respectable degree from a respectable institution. While I didn't do that well with grades, I got a fresh start and made a lot of friends, proving to myself that the whole high school / junior high period of my life was probably not really my fault and I wasn't some sort of freak. I gained a reputation for being able to befriend the frat boys and sorority girls just as easily as I could befriend the nerds or the goth kids or the [insert subculture here]... Socially, I'd say I've become very adept and perceptive for the most part.

Now, as I come up on 28 years old, the depression and persecution complex issues I had are a think of the past. A few things linger, however: When it comes to academic sorts of things, I'm still very impatient and unmotivated. I cannot read a book to save my life unless it's an audiobook, because after 5 pages of "reading", I will realize my mind was in 8 different places and I didn't really take in the last 2. My insomnia lingers, which I've posted about to AskMeFi before. Finally, I spent so much time feeling disliked and abused by my peers that I have a great deal of difficulty accepting (or even believing) praise. In fact, I probably overuse self-deprecating humor.

This was made clear to me when I received my review recently at work. I got a meaningful promotion, and the highest possible rating (which is generally unheard of - nobody gets this rating). I got to read quotes from my peers here at work (anonymous quotes, but real nonetheless) and was astounded at the lengths people went to to describe how great it is to work with me and how intelligent and perceptive I am at my job. My boss had me read these things in my review, and seemed like he was awaiting my verbal response to what I was reading. All I could think to say in response was "I am speechless. I spent so much of my time growing up being the kid who was picked on and had a persecution complex that I have absolutely no clue how to respond to this sort of praise. All I can think to say is 'Wow', and 'Thank You'"

By serendipity's sake or whatever, I've been reading (err, listening to) a book called Emotional Intelligence, and it has clued me in to something: I still have a lot of deep seeded behaviors and beliefs that I really need to work on changing, but I'm afraid that at my age this will be incredibly difficult. I see myself being very defensive at times, and I get very animated and energized when I'm arguing my side of something. I don't yell or resort to attacks, but I just feel like maybe I'm displaying too much vigor. I also see this at the poker table (a serious hobby of mine) -- I react immaturely and stupidly to "bad beats" (when someone catches the 1 card in the deck that saves them, for example). For poker fans out there: I'm no Phil Hellmuth, but I still look back at some of my behavior with embarassment.

How can I learn to slow my brain down enough to read a book instead of having to do audiobooks? How can I learn to relax and not be so defensive? How can I learn to not be so reactive when things don't go my way? Emotional Intelligence is a great book, and has taught me a lot about the neurology of what's going on with me, and has allowed me to understand how my past has shaped my present. What I really want now, though, is to find a way to undo what the past did to me. I was once exceedingly intelligent, and I feel like I've let my intellectual gift go completely to waste because of what happened to me academically in the past. I want to redeem myself and make use of it again, and would love to hear some recommendations for books or other resources that would give me techniques for retraining my mind.

Thanks in advance for reading all of that.

discovering sources of inspiration

Voyageman — Mon, 28 Nov 2005 09:58:16 -0800

I am preparing a critically important presentation whose outcome will decide my future for the next five years+. Sometimes I feel ready to take on the world, other times I feel useless. Where do you draw inspiration to rise up to the occasion? How do you get yourself pumped for those life-altering, work-related situations?

Help me help myself!

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 13:05:55 -0800

How do I become the person I know I should be? I'm a married, attractive, moderately successful woman who desperately wants to be a certain kind of person. And while cerebrally, I know how to be that person, some part of me can't seem to get motivated. I'm turning 30 at the end of this year and I'd love my gift to myself to be overcoming these stupid obstacles that have held me back all my life.

The things I *want* to do include: losing weight (I've gained about 60 pounds since getting married 3 years ago), getting in shape so I experience a sense of both accomplishment and athletic ability, start taking care of my acne-prone skin (startlingly, I was never raised to wash my face before bed and instead have relied on makeup), and just be more of a "get up and go" person rather than a "lie on the couch and watch TV" person.

As mentioned, I know the simple answers are to eat less, exercise more, practice good hygiene, turn off the TV, get some hobbies. I've read a ton of books geared toward self-improvement, taken (and fooled everyone by seemingly succeeding at) self-improvement workshops and seminars, etc. Yet it just seems that part of me -- which happens to be the strongest part of me, even -- is holding myself back, and I hate it. Any suggestions from the reformed lazy folks, the no-longer-underachievers, would be appreciated.

Reading Aloud

louigi — Wed, 25 May 2005 08:16:24 -0800

How can I learn how to read aloud? I love reading fiction aloud, especially short stories and folk tales. I don't often trip over my words, but my style is nothing better than mediocre. The best books on tape I've heard sport narrators who have a bag of tricks filled with varied voices, dramatic pauses of all sizes, impeccable inflection, etc. etc.
How can these skills be learned?

Opinions of Landmark Forum

extrabox — Fri, 25 Feb 2005 07:49:29 -0800

I reconnected with an old acquaintance at my highschool reunion. We've spoken a few times since then, and this person speaks very enthusiastically about their experiences with Landmark Forum. (MI) I've read some skeptical views of the organization. Has anyone had any personal experiences with the group? I kind of feel like I'm being recruited, and I'm not at all interested, but in fairness to this person, I'd like to learn more...

What changed your life in 2004?

dhoyt — Sat, 08 Jan 2005 19:38:10 -0800

Now that 2004 is over, what things did you discover during the year—books, movies, art, philosophies, spiritual discoveries, travel opportunities, software, gadgets, products—which improved your life?