Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with selfimage

How can I compare to a supermodel in training?

Anonymous — Thu, 07 May 2009 06:36:50 -0800

My friend is gorgeous like a supermodel. I am not. How do I stop feeling down on myself? I am starting to resent her due to my jealousy. I grew up in the same type of situation where my best friend was gorgeous and I am not. I always felt invisible when I was with her and overlooked. She was tall, thin, long hair, great features and I am short and not conventionally beautiful. It caused me great self-esteem issues through high school.

Fast forward now to my life as an adult. I've grown really close to an awesome girl and she is definitely someone I have a very close friendship with. We are in the same academic program and have similar backgrounds. She is an awesome, awesome friend and we get along superbly.

She is drop dead gorgeous, though. Tall and incredibly thin and always has on the nicest make-up and clothes. I feel incredibly inadequate when I am with her a lot of the times because I just don't look that good and nor do I have the energy most days to dress up like that. Our program isn't very glamorous either so I'm not abnormal in that sense but I feel once again invisible whenever I'm around her.

What can I do to help myself overcome this? I'm just a t-shirt and jeans type of gal. My husband loves me and I feel good about myself most of the time but when I'm with her I focus on my short-comings and think I need to change how I dress, do my make-up, watch what I eat, etc.

mmm....pond scum

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 07:31:27 -0800

What does a healthy self-image look like? My self-image, I've come to see, is warped, convoluted, and contradictory. At the same time that I genuinely feel I am the lowest of low, or, as Julia Roberts puts it, "well, lower actually...like the fungus that feeds on pond scum. Lower. The pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum," I desire incessant praise, and constant reassurance, and even believe that I am deserving of everyone's adoration. Gah, I know, it's pathetic. And it's definitely not that I think I am better than everyone else, as most of the time I am consumed by an inferiority complex that impedes my well-being to an unnecessary extent.

I just want to be able to stop telling my boyfriend how amazing he is just so that I can be reassured that, I too, am amazing (and I truly do mean it when I tell him he is amazing, because he really is). I know he does think I am awesome, but I really wish I didn't need to hear it 59,843,584 times a day.

So basically what I would like to know from those of you who have a healthy self-image is:

-What does a healthy self-image look like?
-Have you had to work at achieving and maintaining a realistic, yet positive, self-image?
-How have others' opinions of you (well the opinions that matter, anyway) affected your own opinion of yourself?

Thank you, all, very much.

What is her issue with my issues?

crickets — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 11:52:32 -0800

I have issues. My new friend takes issue with that. I think of myself as a complicated guy, and there are any number of things I would like to improve about myself, mostly on the emotional side of things. At times I describe myself as being "broken." I also describe myself as "having issues." I think my issues are a bit more problematic than most people's, but they aren't really anything that prevents me from functioning or living a normal life or being a good person. (I am also actively working on them, but that's not why I'm here.)

I have a new friend that I've become very close to (it could end up as a romantic relationship one day, but circumstances dictate that for now it is not), and she thinks that these descriptors are overly negative and counter-productive, and is encouraging me to find new, more positive language to use.

I can see where she's coming from with "broken" -- it's a harsh word, and I agree that there are more constructive ways to think of myself.

But "having issues"? I've tried to understand where she's coming from, but I just don't see the negativity in it. Can anyone help me understand where she's coming from here?

Follow-up: If you feel "having issues" is too negative, how could I be thinking about myself (the goal being positive and constructive self-criticism)?

(And before you say it, yes, I will be asking my therapist these questions as well. :)

Perception is in the eye of the beholder

lgandme0717 — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 00:43:06 -0800

How can you make sure that the way you view yourself is not too far removed from how you're perceived by others? Once in awhile I come to the realization that a friend or family member has an opinion of him- or herself in a way that is completely opposite the way that I (or sometimes others) perceive them. Recently I have experienced that same jarring dissonance in one or two ways, and want to find ways to make sure I'm not deluding myself about my own lifestyle.

One example: An old friend is in his early 40s and has a low-paying government contracting job. He lives with his parents to save money, and as far as I know does not pay rent or contribute to household expenses. He has, in total, perhaps a couple of thousands of dollars in savings to his name. He has no traditional kinds of investments or savings (CDs, an IRA, 401(k), bonds, etc.) Instead, he has put any extra money that he has into a microloan lending site. If he gets a loan paid off, he lends the funds right back out again. Sometimes he has lost money this way. Anyway, he likes to call himself an "angel investor". Whenever I hear him say that I just have to roll my eyes. I see that he likes the cachet of this label, but he's not even living life as a financially independent adult.

A more personal example: As the mom of a young child I like to think that I can provide helpful advice to new moms (when asked!). I find myself weighing in (I'm talking about in real life with acquaintances and friends, not online on sites like AskMeFi) on topics like whether or not children should have TVs in their room to how to deal with a tantrumming toddler at the supermarket. But then I worry that instead of sounding like a wise been-there-done-that resource, I come across as a judgmental know-it-all.

I know it's not really possible to truly know how you present yourself to the rest of the world, and that if I'm talking to two people at once, they might easily each come away with totally different impressions of me, depending on their own experiences or prejudices. But is there some way of thinking about this that can help me give myself a reality check about my own perceptions of myself vs. how I present myself to the world?

Thank you all in advance for your thoughtful responses.

How can I become comfortable in a shrinking body?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 09:58:19 -0800

I am midway through losing a heap of excess weight. Are there any tips/tricks/techniques for making me more comfortable with my new body during this transitional phase? I used to be fairly confident, but now (as a side effect of the diet) I just think of myself as "fat". Before I started the diet, I was very much in the "I'm large but quite beautiful, really" camp: not exactly one of those people who used the term BBW, but I was OK with my size for years. Now I actually feel less attractive some 25 kilos down (about 10kg to go). This seems to me to be a bit of a catch 22 situation, so I'd appreciate any suggestions to get me out of the trap. In order to stick to the diet/weight loss/exercise regime, I have to admit I'm fat. But I'm not as fat as I was so should be thinking of myself as more attractive, not less... My formerly massive gut is now flabby, which is different but still not good. My treetrunk thighs are still there, just slightly smaller trees. I still have an ass which wobbles and fills the mirror. I can exercise for longer and run up stairs now, but the appetite for horizontal exercise is diminished, because I just don't see myself as attractive any more. And I find myself wondering when I'll stop -- when I get to the healthy weight for my height, what happens if I'm still not happy with my form?

... but you're beautiful inside...

porpoise — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 10:46:18 -0800

I photograph very poorly. There has never been a picture of me where I like how I look. Pictures taken by other people, pictures taken by myself (tripod+timer, arms length), pictures taken when I don't know I'm being photographed, I always feel that I'm ugly when I see the picture.

Seeing myself in the mirror, I can usually stand how I look. Sometimes.

What are some ways that I can receive unbiased confirmation that, yes, I'm a very unattractive boy, or no, I'm not entirely fugly?

Taking pictures and posting them on Hot-or-Not doesn't really work; what with the whole I-don't-photograph-well thing. Neither does asking friends and aquaintances since they're obviously biased and I would not be comfortable stopping someone on the street and asking their opinion.

Any suggestions, please?

No Jabba no batta...

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 11:00:45 -0800

[FlabFilter] I'm 35, male, average weight...but I need to try and lose a double chin. (personal reasons for posting anon, apologies) When I was young, I was super-skinny. A rail. People made jokes.

In my 20's, I slowed down. I started working as an IT professional (whee... no activity at all!), and my metabolism dropped off. I became "skinny guy with a gut."

Through some diet changes and increased activity, the belly is almost all gone (could stand to drop about 5-10 more lbs, maybe). Though cardio is difficult for me (medical reasons), I have been walking, cycling and even jogging and swimming when I can muster it. I feel the best I have ever felt. The problem is that, though I have lost all of this weight, I have a fat face!

Help! I need to lose this horrendous double chin!

Someday my prince will come. Or not.

TimeFactor — Thu, 05 Jan 2006 14:40:38 -0800

How much has your own attractiveness or sense thereof determined with whom you are or have been romantically involved? Are you aware of feeling that you've settled for someone? That "she/he's not so attractive but neither am I and at least I'm not alone?" This may be one of those questions for which anonymous responses would be a welcome pony, but nobody reads these things anyway so don't be shy. Since we're sharing: I'm very unattractive and, at the moment, alone.