Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with selfhelp

Suggest books that push the envelope of "self-help"?

tomboko — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 19:23:40 -0800

Can you suggest books that push the envelope of "self-help"? I record books for a library-owned radio station for the blind and visually impaired. One of our genres is Self-Help. We have no shortage of the usual sort of self-help book - I've been asked to come up with something a little wider-ranging or quirky. It must be non-fiction, and it can't be religious. Other than this, the genre can be interpreted pretty liberally.

For example, three "quirky self-help" books I have already recorded for the station -

Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin
Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert
Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott

These are self-help books we* have already done in the past year:

Apples are Square (Thinking Differently about Leadership) by Susan and Thomas Kuczmarski
Musicophilia (Tales of Music and the Brain) by Oliver Sacks
Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat? by Peter Walsh
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
Human, The Science Behind What Makes Us Unique by Michael S. Gazzaniga
The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner
The Canon by Natalie Angier
Happy Without Being Perfect by Alice D. Domar and Alice Lesch Kelly
A Promise to Ourselves by Alec Baldwin
60 Seconds & You're Hired! by Robin Ryan
How We Decide by Jonah Lehrer
Man vs. Weather by Dennis DiClaudio
Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely
How Successful People Think by John Maxwell
The Power of Four by Joseph M. Marshall III
What Would Google Do? by Jeff Jarvis
Be The Hero by Noah Blumenthal
A Long Bright Future by Laura L. Carstensen

*I didn't record any of these. Our station has many volunteer readers. I sort of specialize in 'quirky.'

Alternatives to Tony Robbins?

surenoproblem — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 01:50:54 -0800

Recommendation for alternatives to Tony Robbins for people who find Tony Robbins a little eerie? After borrowing it from the library, I've been surprised by how useful Tony Robbins's Program, "Get the Edge" has been to me, but I can't shake the feeling that Tony Robbins is a bit of a fast-talking salesman type guy.

Are there some good alternatives that are more thoughful, less like an infomercial?

I suppose I'm looking for something that helps me to pause from the activities of life, to consider my life and what's important to me, and then remind me to apply myself towards these goals.

I also like that it's on CDs; something about hearing someone's voice makes it easy to digest the information. And I like the structure, 31 days (or whatever) and you do a certain amount each day, building up progress.

Do you guys have recommendations?

Tripping on Calvinist guilt

brambory — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:49:39 -0800

Help me stop myself from turning into my dad: how do I manage daily guilt? What resources (books/websites/techniques) have you or someone you know used to manage guilt?

Some clarification:
I was raised in the grand Calvinist tradition where guilt was the oil that kept the machine in motion. My dad is a very guilt-ridden person (he still feels horrible about inviting himself to his neighbours' BBQ when he was 10), and I suspect that either nature or nurture (probably both) have passed this tradition of guilt on to me.

I had horrible stomach aches as a I child, mostly due to guilt about something that I had done/not done properly. These stomach aches and various gastro problems have followed me into adulthood. I recently took a 'work personality' questionnaire, which reported that my dominant personality characteristic was basically guilt and anxiousness. (In my defense, there were other strong characteristics too--just this one was the strongest). I've noticed that guilt is definitely present in my home life and relationships as well, and suspect both work and domestic life would be more enjoyable without it.

The type of guilt I'm talking about is the everyday 'perfectionist has failed' guilt--emails not replied to (guilt level: 2), typographical error (mine) in report boss presented to clients (guilt level: 3), completely forgot to be at home when someone was supposed to drop by (guilt level: 9).

I have a job I mostly enjoy, a great circle of friends, and a fantastic partner. I am generally happy and satisfied with my life (just not, it seems, with myself).

***I will be seeing a therapist in a few weeks for the first time. For now, I want to get a better idea of what my issues are and how I think I could manage them more effectively.***

How to feel more secure saying no to opportunities

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:31:43 -0800

Need help avoiding a scarcity mentality and being too risk-averse. How can I gain more self-confidence and be willing to say no to things that aren't right for me? I recently had to make the choice between two graduate programs, and it was terribly stressful.

I think the reason it was so hard was that I was reluctant to give up one of them, which provided a sense of security.

I'm realizing how desperately I want a sense of security and how hard it is for me to give up anything that even remotely appears to give it. I know where this comes from. I had economically unstable, drug-addicted, abusive parents. Then I spent a lot of years professionally unfulfilled and in an abusive relationship. At the end of it all, I was able to turn it around. Now I have money in the bank, a good degree, close friends, good prospects, etc.

But I'm still scared, still stuck in that mentality. I will fight tooth and nail for any opportunity (and have gotten good at applying for things). I will say yes to anything prestigious whether or not it's what I really want. And sometimes I do badly when given a chance because my heart isn't in it and I just want to prove that I can be chosen, that I could get the opportunity if I wanted it.

I'm having a hard time figuring out who I am and what I want, because it's so hard for me to say no.

A friend of mine recently turned down a really good job offer, because it didn't look fun. Another friend turned down a Fulbright because he wasn't interested in studying the subject matter anymore. But me? I'd take the job and the Fulbright and have trouble saying no to any of it, for fear it would never come along again. I am very afraid of having nothing going on in my life, of never amounting to anything, of being like my parents or my abusive ex.

How can I gain more self-confidence and be willing to say no to things that aren't right for me?

Help me become assertive, please

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 11:11:23 -0800

People-pleaser wants to transform, seeking self-help books and inspirational books/movies I was raised to always, always, always attend to everyone else's needs and then maybe, if there is time, think of myself. According to my parents, this is called "being a good girl." According to an awful lot of people (including boyfriends), this makes me a doormat to use and take advantage of.

A friend lent me the book Why Men Love Bitches and I was pretty skeptical at first, but I read it anyway. If you ignore the silly sexist parts of the book, it is fantastic! It made me realize for the first time in 34 years that it would not make me an awful, horrible person who is going straight to hell if I just stop bending over backwards to please everyone. It also made me realize that I decide my value, not everyone else.

Unfortunately, the book only got me started on what I think is quite a long path of transformation, so I was hoping that someone would please recommend some more? Self-help books would be great, but I would also love to see some inspirational stories about a woman like me transforming into the woman I am trying to become. Two recommendations I got from friends are Beautiful and Fried Green Tomatoes, so I'm going to rent them tomorrow night.

Is the science in "The Answer" brilliant or rubbish?

monster max — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 09:25:43 -0800

The book "The Answer" by John Assaraf and Murray Smith has a lot of neuroscience in it... but is it brilliant or rubbish? A friend recommended me the book "The Answer" by John Assaraf and Murray Smith and I've started reading it... but ... The first few chapters present themselves as science but I can't work out whether it's real and good science and therefore amazing, or whether it's pseudo-science (like all the laughable TV ads for shampoo and skin creams) and utter rubbish.

There's a fair amount of hyperbole but I can read past that. And it's got some very interesting things to say about power of positive thinking and so on, but how seriously should I be taking it?

Has anyone out there read it? Anyone have an opinion that they can back up with some sort of evidence?

Thanks mefites!

A book for coping with stress?

Anonymous — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 19:25:16 -0800

Recommendations for a book on coping / handling stress? My girl friend has always been very responsible in all areas of her life, work, finance, etc. But lately she's had trouble letting things go when she should.

Mush of this worrying is about things that she has no control over (friend being sick), are far in the future, are highly improbable, and even in some cases, things that really have nothing to do with her (a friends problem).

She's always seemed quite stable and generally happy, but worrying is beginning to take it's toll on her sleep and overall happiness.

Can anyone recommend a book that might help her deal with general life stress?

Books On Wives Abused As Children

Rykey — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 18:39:13 -0800

Asking for a patron: self-help books about coping with a spouse's NON-SEXUAL abuse as a child? A patron (male) is looking for books that will help him deal with the effects his wife's emotional and physical abuse (by her parents and brother) as a child is having on their marriage.

I'm finding tons of stuff about dealing with one's own abuse, and books like this one that address partners who were abused-- except that the guy is adamant that his wife was not sexually abused, and I can see where books like these would have a somewhat different focus than those dealing strictly with non-sexual child abuse. I even found this one, but it's for women dealing with male partners who were abused, so it's not a great fit either.

I'll keep digging, but meantime, any suggestions?

We've got something for everyone?

ageispolis — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:04:23 -0800

DecidophobeFilter: What do you hold to be a particularly accurate/helpful free online test to label/understand yourself and thus choose a "lifepath" or "value-set". The sarcasm-loaded question against the legitimacy of these dichotomies, be it Myers-Briggs or Numerology, is probably not the best mindset to go into taking them, but that's why I'm asking what you, MeFites, believe to be worthy free online tests that you've found to be accurate, helpful, or whatever. It can be IQ, Career-oriented, EQSQ, etc.

Anyyone have experience with ACT?

dinkyday — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 23:57:34 -0800

Anyone have personal experience with ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) and/or Stephen Hayes 'Get Out Of Your Mind, And Into Your Life'? I am halfway through the book and would love to hear about people's experiences with this book and/or form of therapy...

Tuesday, 12:45. Mood: weird.

Metroid Baby — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 10:45:41 -0800

I’d like to track my moods for a few weeks. How should I go about this? What should I record, and how, and is it useful? My mood tends to swing up and down a bit over the course of a typical day. Nothing drastic, but as an example I was feeling pretty upbeat and happy at 7 am today, and by 11:30 I was mad at everything. I tell people I feel “weird” a lot.

My mood swings aren’t extreme, nor do they impair me much, but I have found myself stopping and thinking “Why am I feeling like this right now? What’s going on? Is this normal?” I can usually answer the first two, but I have no idea whether this is normal. I’m hoping keeping track of how I’m feeling during the day for a while will help me figure this out.

I’ve looked around online and seen a few mood-tracking applications, but nothing that really jumped out at me. I could probably whip up a spreadsheet that would work well, and I’ve also been thinking about skipping the computer entirely and carrying around a notebook, since I’m not always near a computer.

Some of the things I’m considering keeping track of: brief description of mood, energy level, whether it feels “good” or “bad,” possible precipitating factors. I’m sure there are other things that would be good to track and I’m open to suggestions.

If you’ve done something like this, what did you use and what did you track? How frequently and for how long? Did it help you? Any advice is appreciated.

Good self-help audiobooks

veterinarian — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:36:17 -0800

I am looking for good self-help audiobooks/books on cd for building self-esteem and fighting depression. I'm not religious, just looking for something inspiring (scientific validity also a plus).

I'm reading, I'm learning and I'm enjoying it. Pick two?

Ookseer — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 15:56:56 -0800

I'm looking for recommendations for guide/how to/self help books that have a casual, up-beat style without compromising the authority of the text. Do you have any? It seems most of the "I'll tell you how" books that I read are either authoritative, but dry as dust or have so much personality that it undermines what they are trying to say, either by being so casual or clever that you can't take them seriously, or so in love with the subject that they seem hopelessly biased.

So what books have you read in the self help/guidebook/how to genres are both authoritative and a joy to read?

Taking recommendations on any topic. If I can get a good read from a subject I'm not even interested in, that's exactly the kind of book I'm looking for.

I'm cured! Now what?

xchmp — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:36:28 -0800

I've spent the last fifteen years suffering from bipolar disorder (bipolar II with the emphasis on depression) and a sleep disorder. Four months ago I switched to a medication that turns out to be perfect for me. I feel normal. Assuming this continues, my mood disorder is essentially cured. Fifteen years of mental illness have really screwed up my life. How do I get it back? I'm a 26 year old guy living in the UK. As a child I was academically gifted, but depression got in the way of qualifications. I eventually went to university - though not a good one - and graduated with a 2:1 in politics. Although I have no formal qualifications I'm reasonably good at computer-related stuff.

Since then I've worked in call-centres. Depending on the amount of effort I put into waking up, I either lose jobs from being hours late or feel terrible through lack of sleep. I went kind of crazy after a year of averaging 3 hours of sleep a night. For the last year and a half I've been off work. The sleep problem is not insomnia. I can get enough sleep if I can sleep whenever I need to. I can't maintain a fixed sleep schedule. This may mean that I'll be unable to work full time.

Although there have been a couple of casual things, my last relationship was the only serious one I've had and she was rather unstable herself. We broke up two years ago. My social circle is generally very narrow, although I have at least one good friend locally and a number of people from university who I see now and again.

I have very obvious self-harm scars, which I'm fairly comfortable with. I suspect other people may not be. This could contemplate employment (I'm not planning to go to interviews wearing short sleeves, but neither am I prepared never to wear short sleeves around colleagues). Also, I suspect they're something that will make people rule me out as someone they'd consider dating.

Other stuff, I'm in therapy (although this will end soon as it's provided by the NHS). I'm volunteering at a charity and currently working on an IT-related project for them.

So what do I want? I want a life. In fact, I want the life I thought I was going to get back before I became ill. Qualifications, a job that isn't in a call-centre, friends, relationships. But I don't know how to get there from here. How do I decide what to do with my life? How do I make up for all the social skills I've missed out on? In short, how do I make up for fifteen wasted years?

Help me figure out why I'm so upset, please.

justonegirl — Sun, 25 May 2008 08:57:58 -0800

Good tips or techniques for identifying, and articulating, negative emotions? When a conflict arises with my spouse, I often find myself a lot more upset than the situation probably warrants, which leads me to believe I've got a lot of pent-up emotions deep inside me. In the "heat of the moment" I seem to not have much of a problem spewing out a lot of stuff that's bothering me. However, that's not always productive, and more often than not, it isn't feasible (due to my husband's work crises, our toddler son being present, etc). Yet, when I try to sit down and talk about things at a calmer time -- or even to reflect on my own -- I can't seem to find a starting point for getting the anger and resentment out. It's not really a matter of me having just gotten past whatever was upsetting me. More like I've buried the bad feelings (temporarily) and the situation blows over, but we haven't really resolved anything and it just comes up again later.

Specifically, I'd like to find some ways to help identify and explain these feelings (to myself and others). I've tried sitting down to write out what's going on in my head, but like I said, once I'm not in the midst of the conflict, the words just don't seem to come. I want to get them out because I feel like then maybe I could explain them to my husband. But for right now, I feel like I'm just stuck. My mind starts sort of racing with all kinds of stuff -- the little insignificant offenses and slights in any relationship, the bigger emotional issues, stuff from when I was a kid, etc. It gets all mixed up and the next thing I know, I feel paralyzed. So I do nothing, and nothing changes.

I know I'm a prime candidate for some therapy, but unfortunately, that honestly is not an option for me at the moment, so I would truly appreciate some suggestions that focus on self-help vs. outside help. I also, unfortunately, don't have much of a support system for things like this, so it needs to be something I can pursue alone. Even just a starting point would be better than nothing. Has anyone had any luck working through this kind of thing?

How to deal with mental side of weightloss?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 11:48:50 -0800

Got the losing weight part down, help me do the magic mental work I've looked through every post labeled "weightloss" but I have yet to see my question dealt with, so here goes.

Around three or four months ago, I decided that I needed to lose weight. It's now 27 pounds later and I still have a good ways to go. That being said, I think I have the mechanics of how to lose weight down. I'm doing weight watchers, which is helping me to shift my eating habits to ones that are much healthier. I am about to start adding exercise to program. I've been trying to make changes slowly so that I don't freak out, stress out, punk out or tire out and quit.

I really want this to be it. I want this to be a turning point in my life and sustain this change. I want this, but yet I just don't feel like I am there yet. I don't know if this is me doubting myself or me being realistic. I keep reading about and hearing about people talking about a kind of epiphany moment. They talk about dealing with the fundamental issues that caused their weight gain. They also talk about how losing the weight is relatively easy compared to maintaining the weight loss. I reeeeally want to maintain this.

This is where I need your help. I need you to point me towards blogs, books, personal testimonies, workbooks etc. that detail how people have gone through this mental transformation so that I can follow in their footsteps. I expect, and am willing to do some hard mental/emotional work, but I need to know where to start.

The more pragmatic these books/blogs, etc. are, the more useful they will be for me. So, optimally I'd like to avoid things based on fad diets, over-cuddly-touchy-feely type things (you find a lot of this on weight watchers boards- the DH/DD/DS syndrome). Help me find intelligent straight talkers.

Again, I've got a good grasp on the physical side, but tell me how to work through the emotional and mental work. I want to do this so that I can maintain the large amount of weight I am going to end up losing. The more specific you can be, the better. Also, if you have lost a significant amount of weight and know of any particular pitfalls that I should watch out for on this journey, feel free to share.

In case it matters:
Female
Been overweight for most of my life
In my early twenties
Tend to be very project oriented
Have a very supportive family and group of friends

Help me overcome my lightning phobia!

LeeJay — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 10:52:10 -0800

Anyone have any tips on overcoming a lightning phobia? Over the past few years I have slowly developed a lightning phobia. I was never afraid of lightning when I was younger and I've never had a bad experience with it or known anyone who has. I have a theory that it developed after 9/11. It might sound strange, but in the year following I developed a little minor anxiety about situations that were out of my control -- being stuck somewhere, getting hurt and not being able to get help, flying, getting lost...and lightning. All the other anxieties passed but the fear of lightning stuck around and slowly grew in intensity.

I can barely stand to be outside (or even near a window) if there's a chance of an electrical storm rolling in. If I am outside and spot lightning, even if it's way off in the distance, my instinct is to throw myself to the ground. I manage to keep my composure but I still end up flinching and hunching over and it has on occasion kept me from doing things I want to do. And it also sucks because I love storms and this is keeping me from relaxing and enjoying them like I used to.

Are there any tricks or tips that help in getting over something like this or should I suck it up and go to a therapist?

Good self-help-type book(s) on occupational therapy?

iguanapolitico — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 09:09:10 -0800

Good self-help-type book(s) on occupational therapy? I'm not positive it's occupational therapy I'm looking for, so maybe you can help me with that as well. I'm looking for:

1) A book that can help an individual learn about some occupational therapy techniques to apply to his or her own life (so, not a textbook for those studying to be therapists)

2) The subject matter I'm looking for is related to this (from wikipedia's entry on occupational therapy):

"Occupational therapy refers to the use of meaningful occupation to assist people who have difficulty in achieving healthy and balanced life; and to enable an inclusive society so that all people can participate to their potential in daily occupations of life.... (S)ome of the basic assumptions of occupational therapy ... include:
Occupation has an effect on health and well being.
Occupation creates structure and organizes time.
Occupation brings meaning to life, culturally and personally.
Occupations are individual. People value different occupations."

But I'm not personally looking for problems associated with (also from wikipedia):

"work-related injuries; physical, cognitive or psychological limitations following a stroke, brain injury or heart attack; rheumatoid and age-related conditions such as arthritis; neurodegenerative movement disorders such as multiple sclerosis, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Parkinson's disease; birth injuries, learning difficulties, or developmental disabilities; Alzheimer's, schizophrenia, ADHD and post-traumatic stress; ETC."

Though limitations stemming from depression or anxiety, and/or substance abuse / eating disorders *are* of interest to me.

So I'm basically looking for info on occupational therapy techniques (or some other self helpy type book) that a basically "normal" person (uninjured, not damaged, or diagnosed with anything serious, completely un-medicated and apparently functioning normally in work/society) might find useful, as related to the first quote in #2 above.

Anyone?

Why are you talking at me?

allkindsoftime — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:30:39 -0800

Please help me kill my introversion before it kills my relationships. (standard apologies for the length)

One weekend a couple of years back, I had a good college friend come and visit me at my place in NYC. I remember on that Saturday we made no plans, didn't go anywhere, just opened up the windows and door to the deck and enjoyed the nice weather. She read a book and journaled, I surfed the internet and cleaned my desk. We went for hours at a time without saying anything to each other. I often think of this as one of the most pleasant days of my life - having somebody there with me but the both of us actively pursuing our own activities, not feeling much need for words.

People don't seem to get me. I'm an introvert, and unfortunately for a long time have been trying to live like I wasn't one, which seemed to work well enough for maybe the past 5 years. I had my problems here and there, but I got by - landed the better jobs, got the promotion, had good friends, was enjoying life. During this period I rarely dated and never had a serious relationship, not so much for lack of opportunity as just a lack of interest.

Recently I made a major move to a new city (in a new country), and in particular have struggled with two individuals: a subordinate I manage on my work project that brought me here, and a colleague on another project nearby who I have been spending a few weekends traveling with. In both circumstances, I have extremely upset these people, the first in the work environment and the second in the travel / leisure environment, due to my lack of effort at open, direct communication. Both of them, actually, were upset by the same situation - when I picked up my book for an hour or more and just read without saying anything. Was I supposed to warn them I was going to read instead of chat? This kind of blows my mind - that things like this which seem so insignificant to me could lead to total relationship meltdown.

Things I have trouble with:

1) Eye contact. When talking to either of the aforementioned about specifics, I find it incredibly hard to maintain eye contact, regardless of the environment or topic at hand. I have absolutely no trouble with eye contact with strangers, my close friends, a girl I'm interested in, or acquaintances that I have little dealing with. It seems to be more in relationships that are forced upon me by circumstance (i.e. work colleagues, etc.).

2) Small talk. I pretty much hate this with anyone. I like to get to the point, I don't want to comment on the weather or your day yesterday or other uninteresting information. I know this is rude and inconsiderate, but how do I change myself to actually be interested in hearing someone talk about these things?

3) Verbalizing my thoughts. If I don't have anything to say, I usually remain quiet. I realize that some people need more explanation about what I'm thinking / feeling / etc., but even given this realization I find it very hard to remember / force myself to actually say things that I really don't think need to be said. This sometimes pours over into not verbalizing things that I do think need to be said, because an atmosphere of tense silence has already been created, and because I'm fairly comfortable with it, so why rock the boat?

I often prefer to communicate via email / IM - writing feels important to me - I have my thoughts there in a format that is clear and easy to reference, and it allows no one to bend what I've said. That said, I think I sometimes rely to heavily on this when I should be saying things verbally.

How do I change? I realize there are parts of this that are just who I am, but if who I am makes other people miserable, I believe I have to change that. I suppose "get thee to therapy" is the logical response but I don't really have that option at the moment (on reduced salary with limited benefits in a country I'm not from). What I am looking for are practical habits I can look to develop, tips/tricks I can pick up, ways to be a warmer person that can help others understand where I am coming from, etc..

It seems like most of the popular stuff out there regarding introversion is focused on helping everyone else understand us (see here, here, and here). That's all well and good and I wish they would, but its a hell of a lot easier to change myself than it is to change everyone else.

Seeking information about self defense course(s) and related activites/classes.

iamkimiam — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 18:03:32 -0800

I am interested in self-defense classes. There are lots of methods and places to do this. The options are a little overwhelming and I know very little about the topic. Can somebody break it down and make some suggestions and/or recommendations that might be best suited for me? Based on the following (below), what would be a well-rounded type of self defense that might be most effective for confidence-building, safety, and exercise?

• I am a 5' tall, physically active, late 20s female
• I have lots of free time (could attend one class, or a series, but don't know what the difference is between a single session or an intensive course)
• I live in Oakland and can travel
• Would be interested to martial arts (there's so many kinds!) and/or other forms of activity
• Classes that allow me the opportunity to meet other women and/or men in the area would be great too

Any other info and ideas welcome. Thanks!

Books to help me be a better person

Brittanie — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 06:46:13 -0800

I want to be a better person (don't we all?). I'm looking for texts and tips to help me on my journey. I have come to the conclusion that I need to make some changes in my life. I want to be a "better person." That's a pretty broad term, but basically I want to work on improving my outlook and perceptions of the world, my compassion for other people, my consciousness and my self-destructive behaviors, to name a few things. I want to live in the now but I also want to be well-prepared for the future.

Searches for previous AskMe questions under the terms "better person", "consciousness", "introspection" and "self help" have turned up little. The tips I found here are good if a little too general. I'm looking for more advice along the same lines as what's contained in that link.

I realize that simply making the decision to become a better person is the very first step. I also know I need to slow down, shut my mouth and think about things before speaking or acting. I journal daily. I exercise and enjoy nature. What else should I be doing? What are some things I can do every day to help raise my awareness of the world around me and become more sensitive to other people and their needs?

I'm not looking for religion or hokey self-help books. I'd prefer something more traditional (maybe texts on philosophies , Buddhism, Daoism, whatever) or any advice that has helped you. Thanks in advance.

Let's speak about unspoken competencies

philosophistry — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 09:13:21 -0800

What's the best way to learn unspoken competencies, such as all the unspoken rules of socializing? When I was an adolescent, I scarfed down self-help books, and was always real quick at learning a theory about something and then applying myself. As a result, I became good at business real fast, and also mastered the academic environment.

However, while I had extreme successes in academics and business (relative to my age), my social life has always been sub-par to me. I'm often characterized as being a loner. And it's not for lack of trying. I've always tried to improve the way I socialize, but it's never helped, and in fact has had the opposite effect, making me too artificial and mechanical in my approach.

Mastering artifice is no problem, which is why I'm good at problem-solving and business.

I read about Sternberg's Triarchic Theory of Intelligences, and one of them is "practical intelligence" or "contextual intelligence" which involves learning unspoken lessons by reading cues off other people.

I used to HAVE an anti-social mindset, and would harbor the typically angsty, Catcher-in-the-Rye-style attitudes such as "everybody is phony" or "people are mindless cows." Lately, I've been trying to give ordinary people the benefit of the doubt, and see if maybe I'm obtuse for not appreciating the importance of simple things like "fitting in" as not a weakness but as a way of "being pro-social."

I have friends who have one leg in the analytical side and another in the unspoken side, and talking these things out with them is good because they can translate one language into the other. For example, a good conversation I had was:

Me: "If I really were to be authentic, my hairstyle would be really really crazy, and my clothes, they'd be all black, but not quite goth, but this and that..."
Friend: "Look, I used to want to do that, but I realized that dressing too different from other people makes them uncomfortable."
Me: "Oh, yeah. Right"

I can hear the groan in the background, "yeah, that's common sense." If so, then I'm lacking it. How do I get more of those conversations or "ah-hah" moments. Platitudes such as "be yourself" or "go with the flow" don't teach me anything.

What motivates you?

contog — Wed, 23 May 2007 16:28:11 -0800

I just successfully reached a life-long goal of earning a doctorate. While this has been an exciting and fulfilling process, I am now feeling somewhat lost. In about three months I start with a new job/program. Until then all my days and nights are free. I'm quitting smoking and starting back at the gym. I'd love to lose ten pounds or more and read some great books. While all this sounds great on paper, getting motivated and into action is entirely different. What are the things that get you motivated, moving, and out of the house (ideas, books, songs, etc.)?

What more could I do to stop going crazy?

hypervenom — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 20:55:30 -0800

What more could I do to stop going crazy? I feel like this, even though it might not all be true:

I'm never going to have anyone who cares about me in the entire world. The only reason people ever start talking to me is because of pity, and then when they realize there is a reason I'm so pathetic they're stuck being nice to me because they're nice people. My family is obviously obligated to me, but they don't like me as a person; they all just want me to change so they don't have to feel guilty about hating a relative anymore. Everyone else ignores me because they realize how crazy and annoying I am. I am just like a crack addict living on the street except even normal, not really-that-nice people feel bad for those guys.

I don't hang out with people, I'm not invited anywhere except when I hint that I would like to go and nice people feel bad for me. I have never NOT been a tag-along, "following people around" as they do whatever. I have no idea how to act or if someone is saying what they mean or using it to disguise what they really want to say, but always end up assuming the latter. I try so hard not to talk about myself and to be submissive and have good manners so that I seem as nice as possible to other people, but I still get whispers and dirty looks out of nowhere.

Even the people who I *think* realize something is wrong with me talk about me behind my back like I'm doing things on purpose just to annoy them. I can't help my reaction to the horrible fear I feel whenever I have to say a single sentence, or even ask a clerk at a store for something. I have to cringe and hide my eyes and look sad and speak under my voice, which makes me feel better and like I am being less of a nuisance, imposing less of my inherent disagreeability on a person. I haven't made eye contact with someone for more than a few seconds since at least fourth grade.

Even though I live in a dorm with my friend/roommate, I always feel like a huge burden and that my very presence bothers people. It has been that way forever. I wish I could just be alone 24/7 and stop bugging everyone around me. It is the worst feeling. I just want everyone else to be peaceful.

Not an hour ago I accidentally walked into another girl's room across the hall, and when I realized what I did I locked the door in panic. She came back and saw me there, and got extremely angry at me. She didn't understand why I locked the door. Now I'm going to get in trouble, but I'm not really that worried about it. I feel so horrible that I did that.

Another thing I do is stop while walking down the street or in a store, and hide my head in fear. I have to, or else the agitation is just too painful.

So what more could I possibly do?

I've been going to an awesome therapist for an hour a week for about three months, and I started Zoloft last month for the extreme social anxiety (I haven't been able to afford refilling my prescription for about three weeks, but I should be able to tomorrow). But everything seems like it's just gotten way, way worse since then. I thought it might be because I drank pretty much every day in high school, and that relieved me a little bit, but I don't do it now. I'm way into meditation, healthy eating, etc. instead. I just have no idea what more I could do.

Help me get my life together

peewinkle — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 20:31:51 -0800

How do I fix myself on the cheap? After reading this post, I realized that maybe the hive can help.......

I am a 35-year old male. I have had a hard life. A few years ago, I finally found happiness, with a decent job, a girl, successful hobbies, and life was great..... until she decided that the grass was greener on the other side.....

So now I live in a rooming house, lost my great job due to my drunkeness, lost my hobbies (hot rods, I had to sell them), lost my driver's license (I smashed my hearse into a parked car), lost a lot of friends, and pretty much my life is a mess......

I am a talented musician (have had records released on major labels), a smart guy, and the girls seem to think I am attractive..... all in all, a great guy with great ideas, and I see the world as a fascinating place with much hope and love...... despite the current conditions......

I now work as a hack at my job, WAY underpaid (my boss accepts my drinking), and am one paycheck away from being homeless at any given moment........

I romanticize Bukowski and Thompson....... just for background info purposes.......

I am pretty sure I have OCD and AADD.......

What can I do to get my act together? I tried AA and those people scared the hell out of me..... I have no family to help me..... I have to continue to work in order not to lose the little I have left, and find myself in a circle of hell...... in short, I work to drink, and I drink to work......

What can I do to get myself out of this hell? I need to get my head straight, indeed...... I feel that I have much to offer the world, and if I could, make things better for all of humanity, but I can't help myself.....

I have thoughts about checking in to a facility, but then I would lose my possessions..... no work equals no storage.....

I am an agnostic Rom with a history of alcoholism in my family.....

I live my life based on zen, but realize that I am slowly killing myself with this lifestyle....

I am prepared to pull up my boot straps and bite the bullet, but I don't know how......

So my question is:

Where can I go/What can I do to try and get off the booze on my own? AA is out of the question, as are any in-treatment programs...... I have already kicked the drugs on my own....

I am watching my life fade out in real time and want to get back on the right track.......