Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with selfesteem

Inherent self-worth?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:57:05 -0800

How do you develop a sense of inherent self-worth? I understand that it's a losing proposition to base your self-worth on specific traits or abilities, and you really need to be comfortable with yourself "warts and all". I just don't know how to make that leap. I'm having a difficult time getting myself to believe at a gut level that I have worth independent of my (very imperfect) abilities and actions.

I'm also not having much luck with the old standby advice of trying to judge yourself by the less-demanding standards that you'd use for someone else. For other people as well, for better or worse, I really do seem to treat being smarter, more creative, more energetic, etc., as making someone more worthwhile.

How do you help yourself believe that you (and everyone else) has inherent worth as a person that's independent of abilities and even actions? Thanks for any advice -- this is a serious issue for me.

Hell is thinking about other people.

taramosalata — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:01:08 -0800

Since childhood I've been a rather sensitive and justice-obsessed person, but also pretty interested in / attentive to the well-being and inner lives of other people. But I feel increasingly drained. In my field of work there is a lot of getting-ahead through nepotism/ingratiation rather than ability/ passion/effort, and it bothers me. In my life I have people whom I generally like and have opened up to, but who, at critical junctures, exhibit such self-absorption that I'm left feeling not only outraged but injured. I want to change the intensity and duration of my reaction to these things, as it's a huge waste of time, and sometimes upsets my own self-esteem. Please help me stop thinking about other people without becoming alienated and alienating.

Just asking this question feels like self-indulgent wallowing

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:47:05 -0800

Why am I such a pathetic sad-sack these days, and how can I shape up before I drive all my friends away? I am miserable. I just got out of a three-year relationship about 3 months ago. I don't regret breaking up and I don't want to get back with him, it was all very amicable and blah blah blah, but I guess I now realize that being with him masked some pretty terrible emotional problems I have.

I met him when I was 18. I really hated myself then. I just knew no one would ever love me. I’m lucky to have met him, a genuinely nice guy, because I was just asking to be taken advantage of. And I thought that being with him had made me better, because I was very happy with him and I liked myself and all that. In fact, ironically, being with him made me strong enough to say goodbye when the time came- he made me confident enough to do that. I thought, leaving him will be ok, because I’m strong now and I’ll find someone else. But now I realize- I'm not fixed. Being with him just covered up my problems, and now I'm almost 22 and I'm still the same needy, pathetic wreck I was in high school.

My life. I had behavioral problems as a kid which meant that I never had close friends. Some school friends, but nothing meaningful. Finally got some good friends in high school, one best friend, but I didn’t appreciate them and I didn’t know how to be a friend to anyone. I was too scared to even pick up the phone and ask someone out for coffee because I KNEW that they didn’t really like me and would just go along, not enjoy my company, and then talk about me to everyone else. As you might guess, I never dated anyone in high school. I did go on two dates with a guy I met outside of school, but that was it.

College was wonderful, in that everyone really did seem to want to be friends, I joined clubs where I could contribute, etc. All good stuff. And I had a little success with guys. A date here, a makeout there. But somehow it was all sort of pathetic. I wanted a guy, no matter who, and so I spent some time with some major sleezeballs. Even though I had finally gotten guys to notice me I still didn’t think I was worth dating and I was still very sad about it, although my life was immeasurably better.

Then I meet my ex. He was and is a sweet, attractive and talented guy, and we hit it off immediately. Like talking for 6 hours the first night we met, and that was that. I became a different person with him. I liked myself. I had a ton of friends. I felt attractive and loved. We went out for 3 years, but age, distance and different life directions made us realize this summer that we were growing apart. Now we are friends (we did the no-contact-for-6-weeks thing).

Here’s the thing. When I was with him, by the end, I thought- there are ways in which we’re not good for each other. There is a guy out there for me who is a better fit, and I’ll find him. I just knew it- I would be ok. Being in such a better place than I was 3 years ago, I would go back out in the world a changed woman and everything will be so different from how it was before.

Well now I sit alone in my room wishing that I could get just one guy to glance in my direction, no matter how stupid and assholey he is.

And the REALLY stupid thing? I did! I slept with a very attractive guy after the breakup, and I was the one to tell HIM, sorry, this was a bad idea, it’s too soon for me. And there’s another guy I know who clearly likes me who I am not attracted to. Those guys liked me! And I know that just because all the guys I’m attracted to are taken, it doesn’t mean that that will continue to be true forever and I missed the boat on love. And I know full well that since my school is 60% girls and my major is 80% girls, the fact that I don’t have guys all over me doesn’t mean anything. I know I’m not actually some ugly unloveable hag. But I don’t BELIEVE it.

Here’s some other stuff I know but don’t believe:
-Hitting on guys doesn’t make me a pathetic skank, and guys don’t laugh about my efforts after I’m gone
-The fact that all my friends have boyfriends and I don’t doesn’t mean all my friends are more interesting and hotter than me
-I am someone worth knowing and someone who a person might actually want to have sex with
-My ex was not the only person who will ever love me
-If I am unattractive right now it’s because of my bad attitude, not because of who I am

I am well aware that I’m wallowing in misery. What’s worse is that my friends all know I’m feeling like this. I try to keep it under control but, last night I drunkenly spent an hour crying to my good friend about this stuff, and while she was very sympathetic I know I need to get it together. I need to stop being miserable or my high school fears will come true and no one will ever want to spend time with me. I am ‘that girl’ and I don’t want to be. Twice I have gotten drunk because I was sad. I have never let myself do that before. The other day I was cleaning my room and just burst into tears.

I want to be happy with or without a man. I want to be the person I was with my ex- the person who was funny and fun to be around and didn’t dwell on her lame cliché problems constantly. I want to be able to be alone and not have these shadows of self-loathing always waiting for the moment when I hear a sad song or see a happy couple. What the hell is wrong with me.

What's a kid to do?

ahrara_ — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 01:36:42 -0800

I have had self-esteem, confidence, and anxiety issues my entire life. Lately, my confidence has been getting much better, but it is still very unstable. More than anything else, I want to be able to feel good about myself consistently. Is this possible, given my background (see inside)? If so, please share your success stories or advice on what I can do to feel good. I came to America as an immigrant when I was 6 and had a rather hard time fitting in. To make it worse, I had a rather tumultuous family life and a slightly abusive father. As a result, I had little self esteem and no social skills -- until High School, I can positively say that I had never established any kind of close friendship.

Since I started college though, things have gotten much better. I've been involved in some extracurricular activities that I've been fairly successful in and that have helped develop my interpersonal confidence and leadership abilities considerably. In fact, there are days where I am positively charming, funny, outgoing, and "one hell of a guy". When I'm like this, I have no problem doing things like going to parties, initiating conversation with perfect strangers, dealing with confrontations, etc.

But underneath that glossy exterior is an absurd amount of insecurity. I am easily intimidated and I feel uncomfortable being around people who are as capable socially, because I feel like I have to keep up with them. If I approach somebody in anything short of my super-confident mode, I tend to be very hard on myself and feel like a social failure. When my self esteem fails, my anxiety climbs until it starts interfering with my ability to function. I have trouble speaking coherently sometimes, to the point that I can hardly carry on a conversation. The social anxiety tends to make me feel very lonely, even when I'm surrounded by friends and have people available to hang out with -- I just know I can't *function* with them.

Some nights I just feel hopeless. Every time I've felt like I've finally reached a point where I could feel good about myself consistently, it's all come crashing down again somehow. Usually it's because I'm not around people often enough -- for the reasons stated above, I only have a small circle of people to spend time with.

I know self esteem issues aren't exactly new to askmefi. There are many questions about social anxiety and a lot of good answers, but very few get to the heart of what I want to know -- is this something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, or is it possible for someone like me to find a consistent sense of confidence? I'll be frank with you -- I'm not posting so much for advice on what to do, but for encouragement that it can be done, not only for myself, but for the many people here I'm sure share the same experience. Please share your success stories. The more detail the better!

He said I'm chubby, but now he says he didn't mean it...

BusyBusyBusy — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 18:58:41 -0800

A week ago, my boyfriend of three years said that I was chubby. I am hurt, and having trouble moving on. Am I overreacting? Mefites, am I completely overreacting? A week ago, my boyfriend of three years said that I was chubby, and "I won't lie to you and say you're skinny." This was said in the context of us cuddling in bed, after I'd gotten out of the shower at our hotel and said "The mirror in there made me feel huuuugee."

For the record, I am 5'7" and 130lbs. But in a way, I feel like it's irrelevant how much I weigh. I have female friends who are overweight, and if one of their boyfriends called them chubby I'd be mad for them. It's just a demeaning word. Like most girls, I feel a lot of pressure to be very thin, and the last person I need pressure from is him.

In his defense:
-He has apologized repeatedly, and feels genuinely bad about it.
-He insists he was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear... that he thought I wanted motivation to lose some extra pounds.
-I am my mother's daughter, meaning thin arms and legs, and a round belly no matter what (my mom used to be much skinnier than I ever have been, but never lost the belly).
-He is 19, and I am 21. He is 6'2" and 130 pounds. So maybe he has a skewed idea of normal weight?

In my defense,
-We've already had many issues with me not feeling like he's attracted to me. I do not have low self-esteem. I'm really confident, with lots of friends, abilities, and interest from other guys. I think I'm a good lookin' girl. But he never seems that... excited about me. He says he loves my personality, my brain, my face... but I'm always the one to initiate sex, and his compliments always seem forced and unnatural. We've talked about his, no change. This has left my very sensitive to his comments.

So, I have two main questions, I guess.
1. I am still very, very hurt, to the point that I don't want to be around him. I've asked for at least a few days to myself to sort this out. Am I being ridiculous? Am I overreacting?

2. How can we move past this? If you've been in a similar situation, how did you get through it?

My boyfriend is loving and supportive, which is why this has caught me so off guard. He's never said anything mean or harsh about me. He is a great boyfriend, a really sweet person, and we've gotten through much bigger problems than this. So why does the word chubby now feel like the third person in our relationship? What scares me is people I've confided this in have expressed doubts that it will go away, and that we can work it out.

Aaggh, any words of wisdom, advice, and perspective would be so, so appreciated.

Quitting the competition, while still running the race

Chrysalis — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:25:20 -0800

Help me get my focus back on my own life and happiness and stop comparing/competing with my ex in my own mind... and stop having how I compare with others as a condition to my happiness/self esteem in general... 3 months ago I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me, so I packed my bags the same day and moved back to my home town (I'd moved city to live with him, had been there a year) to try to rebuild my life. I've been doing a pretty good job of that, all things considered, and now have a great job, am studying and keeping busy with my sport, have reconnected with all my friends and have a pretty good social life, but I still find myself comparing or competing with him in the back of my mind... wondering whether I'm doing better or worse than he is (I cut off all contact so I don't know anything for certain and he doesn't know what I'm up to)... even though I know it doesn't matter and there's enough happiness to go around for both of us.

Due to the fact that he cheated on me with much prettier girls, my already shaky confidence in terms of attractiveness, has taken a bit of a beating, whereas he would have got a huge ego boost and being very handsome, charming and a seasoned player who knows what people want to hear, no doubt has more girls on tap. I've been getting some male attention which has been reassuring but somehow I feel like maybe I should be trying to be a player like he was, and compete with him on that level. Then I remember that I actually *don't* want to just have a whole bunch of meaningless encounters or dishonest relationships just to stroke my ego, I would at some point like to have a real, caring relationship, if indeed such a thing is a realistic expectation, and I certainly don't want to use or decieve anyone the way he did me. Sometimes I worry that maybe the fact that I want something different in terms of relationships to what he wants is some kind of deficiency and Mr Player knows something I don't.

We also compete in the same sport, him much more successfully than I, and I'm sure that would continue to be the case, and to be honest, that bothers me. I always put in 100% effort but he has more natural talent and experience. I hate that he was so awful and is living out my dream.

I know I need to go back to thinking in terms of "me" not "we" and just focus on my own life and have that be enough in and of itself, and that he is not the kind of person I should even want to be like, but there's always a little voice in my head when something good happens going "haha, take that, I win" and the opposite when something bad happens. And then, as in the above example, sometimes I want things I don't even want, just so that I can feel like I came out alright. I guess I have a bit of a fear that he's just more of a winner in life and I'm the loser who got played - I don't want to think like this!

I know I am a competitive person anyway, and I have always been guilty of comparing myself to others, to the detriment of my own happiness, but I want to change. I want to stop comparing myself to him, and to other people, and stop setting "being better/the best" as a precondition to my happiness/sense of self worth. I feel like I'm wasting my life away like this!

What are some things I can think about or do to help me live my life in the context of my own personal values/goals/dreams again and not keep having to compete to prove to him or myself that I am a great person?

How to be productive all day?

Anonymous — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:35:20 -0800

How do I become the kind of person who can be productive all day? This is kind of a question about stamina, kind of a question about motivation, and a little bit of a question about self-esteem.

I have this vision of how I want to behave, and in that vision I am up early in the morning and go-go-going (with reasonable breaks) all day long, getting things done. In this vision, I get enough done that, ultimately, everything I want works out. My activity level, in this vision, is not insanely high--all I imagine is 8 or so hours a day of solid work, which I think is enough to get amazing things done if managed well.

In reality, I have a really hard time go-go-going for more than an hour or two a day, and sometimes there are streaks of days where even that is a challenge. I am currently unemployed (deliberately at first, but these days I'm looking), but even back when I had a job I was like this. I always had the kind of jobs where, if you were efficient, you could easily do two or three hours of work a day and still get more than enough done. Since I am not working right now, it seems even more absurd to me that I'm not filling my days by getting good things done--and I do have things to fill my day, but I won't list specific tasks in order to preserve anonymity. I don't think it's that pertinent, anyway--just assume a combination of light physical things and mental things, with a dash of the artistic.

I do have streaks of high productivity, but it tends to taper off after a month, and one of the reasons I have a hard time getting started again is often "well, in a month I'm just going to fail again anyway." Other reasons include things like low energy and self-doubt, but those two vary a lot, while my low productivity doesn't vary half as much. I sometimes suspect that if I could just get over this idea that it's pointless to pound away at trying to be solidly productive again, I'd be better off. I have developed a deep skepticism for anything that smacks of a "plan" to get myself together more, but at the same time: Where else do you start?

What I truly want is to hear from people who have gone from the state I describe myself as being in to the state in my vision, where you get a lot done. How did you do it? What changed? My biggest question is probably whether it is possible to change; my brain tells me it is, but my emotions are not at all convinced.

However, I'd also love advice from anybody who happens to naturally be the kind of person I describe--someone who doesn't just show up for work, but who works, solidly, for more than five or six hours a day, and gets good work done. What do you think makes you able to do that? If you found yourself in the state in which I describe myself, where you're just not able to sustain effort, what would you do to correct it?

I don't necessarily want health tips, unless you're someone who has gone from one state to the other as a direct result of changes in health. Drink more water? Eat less sugar? Exercise? Get my thyroid tested? Sleep well? Gotcha, thanks. For some of those, managing to get going in the first place is key, anyway, and in my experience even when I have all of those things managed, I still struggle.

What is her issue with my issues?

crickets — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 11:52:32 -0800

I have issues. My new friend takes issue with that. I think of myself as a complicated guy, and there are any number of things I would like to improve about myself, mostly on the emotional side of things. At times I describe myself as being "broken." I also describe myself as "having issues." I think my issues are a bit more problematic than most people's, but they aren't really anything that prevents me from functioning or living a normal life or being a good person. (I am also actively working on them, but that's not why I'm here.)

I have a new friend that I've become very close to (it could end up as a romantic relationship one day, but circumstances dictate that for now it is not), and she thinks that these descriptors are overly negative and counter-productive, and is encouraging me to find new, more positive language to use.

I can see where she's coming from with "broken" -- it's a harsh word, and I agree that there are more constructive ways to think of myself.

But "having issues"? I've tried to understand where she's coming from, but I just don't see the negativity in it. Can anyone help me understand where she's coming from here?

Follow-up: If you feel "having issues" is too negative, how could I be thinking about myself (the goal being positive and constructive self-criticism)?

(And before you say it, yes, I will be asking my therapist these questions as well. :)

What do you do to feel 'good in your own skin'?

different — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 10:31:18 -0800

What do you do to feel 'good in your own skin'? After a rough couple of years, I find myself feeling very unattractive, unsexy, what have you. I'm feeling better now, but it has occurred to me that I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin any more. I really want to change that.

I am starting to get more exercise, remembering to do positive affirmations, but apart from that I'm a bit stumped. What are the little things that you do that help you feel comfortable with who you are (on the inside as well as the outside)? Are there things you do, places you go, things you eat, things you think? Any and all tips welcome!

Can we talk? No wait it's not like that.

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 12:21:39 -0800

Omnibus Relationship Question: Getting married, and can't wait, but have numerous small issues I want to resolve. We're planning on getting married this year, after being together for a few years. I love her, and look forward to spending my life with her. But, there are issues I'd love to work on, but don't really know how to start.
She has low-self esteem, and really beats herself when she feels she's messed up even over tiny things. This is the main reason I'm asking the hivemind for help, because I don't feel I can go to her in my ham-handed way and lay out my concerns without her feeling worse. She's amazing, sweet, creative and caring, but she doesn't see it, and lets a lot of opportunity pass her by because she doesn't feel good enough for it. Or she begins to have successes, and then lets the momentum drop because she doesn't believe her successes are anything but flukes. I'm always positive about her work, and upbeat about her chances but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

This leads, in a way, to the second problem. I have a good job (knock on wood), and we are scraping by, financially. When she was a single mom, she had incentive to make enough money to make ends meet. Now she doesn't need to make as much, and has consequently fallen into wasting a lot time online and working a lot less. This has strained our finances, and meant that a lot of the things we wanted to do (take a vacation, and fix our house) had to go on hold. It's stressing me out, and I don't know what it would be like if I were to lose my job. For the record, I'm no saint with money, and we are living paycheck to paycheck.

She has two awesome kids, but she does everything for them, and expects almost nothing in return. Luckily, they aren't rotten, they just have no idea how to do almost anything for themselves. I get the feeling her mom wasn't really there for her, so maybe this is her overcompensating with her own kids? I've lightly discussed this with her in the past, and it usually leads to her concluding that she's a terrible mother. But even that doesn't change the habit of doing everything for them.

Last, I'm worried about our long-term health. We are both sedentary by nature, and over the last year we have started gaining some weight. I really want to find ways for us to get more exercise beyond the "Yes! Let's get more exercise" agreement that we both ignore. Suggestions to how you went from couch potato to outdoor enthusiast heartily welcome!

Beyond these specific issues, I'd love to feel like we can be open and honest, even if it means criticism, with each other. I know I'm far from perfect and would love to know from her how I could improve, and be a better (future) husband for her. But I fear trying to talk about this stuff will just worsen her self-esteem issues.

How do I learn to embrace my own mediocrity?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 10:22:26 -0800

How do you feel good about yourself working in a career you're pretty mediocre at, but stuck in? I started hating my graphic design degree about midway through it, but stuck with it because I couldn't think of an alternative to do instead, and I was halfway there so figured might as well finish it. Now I'm a graphic designer, some 5 years down the track, and I know I'm not much good. Sometimes I'll fluke something that looks alright; mostly I'm just flailing around with my fingers crossed. I just don't care about aesthetic design, I suppose, is the problem. Like anyone I appreciate nice-looking design when I see it, but I suppose I lack the passion or interest to really care to analyse it and work out how they've done it, and experiment with the things I see in my own work, and so on. I make what turns out to be bad design decisions without realising it. I thought the font Mistral was quite nice until I heard other designers laughing at it and realised it was regarded as roughly equivalent to Comic Sans. I just don't have that designer's eye. I've read books on design and tried to acquire it. It doesn't stick. I don't see stuff in my head before trying to put it on screen. There's no "vision" to bring to life. Aesthetic design just doesn't seem to be something I was built to do.

This would, I suppose, be okay if I wasn't someone who, generally, prided themselves on doing good work. My boss would appear to like mediocrity, and so I pull a wage and, case in point, he's even said in the past he likes my work. Inside ME, though, it just makes me feel really BAD all the time to be not doing something GOOD. I want to walk away at the end of a day's work feeling like I've accomplished something; mostly I walk away going, "Holy hell, another sucky one in which I got nowhere; I hope I get lucky and something okay comes out tomorrow."

I know there are people out there who aren't sh*t hot at what they do but still do it. I've come across online portfolios by people who are worse designers than I am, and they still seem pretty happy to be putting themselves out on the market and are happy when they get a job, rather than feeling like they're letting their clients down by being so sucky, and like they're not being Productive and Good just inside themselves. How do they do it? For financial (student debt) reasons I'm going to be stuck in what I'm doing for a good while yet. I need to work out how to deal with this before my self esteem falls too deep down the toilet and gets stuck irretrievably in the S-bend.

Posting anonymously 'cause, duh, I want a professional future. ;-) For that reason, thanks in advance for any help you can offer.

Body Image... Ugh.

Ambrosia Voyeur — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 13:50:43 -0800

Tips for improving persistently miserable body image? Warning: emo. This is sort of hard to write and explain.

I have, overall, GREAT self-esteem. I accomplish things in a fashion I can be proud of, mostly, I have healthy relationships, etc. I've been in therapy on and off several times, and I feel highly self-actualized. I mostly can control how I feel about myself. I am all successfully post-CBT for generalized anxiety, could that work for body image too?

BUT my body image just always makes me miserable unless I'm like, actively defeating the thing about it that bothers me (my weight). Unless I'm dropping a pound a week, I am in a state of "don't think about it you're fabulous don't think about it you're fabulous don't think about it OH GOD SOB SOB SOB."

There has never been a time when I didn't feel like my body was the worst problem in my life. I remember being called fatso in the schoolyard at preschool, in fact. I always fear that my weight is the source of unseen social judgments. Of course, there has been plenty of input from the outside world to confirm that yes, I am overweight but nothing unusually cruel. Really, I probably shouldn't think that this is constantly threatening to make me a pariah and prove me unlovable, despite all evidence to the contrary, but I do. These fears remain. And I'm almost thirty. The weakness of it makes me kind of sick.

I want, more than an anything, to show how powerful and capable I am by being in charge of this, by having that determination and control to either FIX the weight or FIX my head, but so far, I am not, not to my satisfaction. I feel like a failure for not being able to, and I have to SEE this failure on me as fat that I think makes me LOOK like a loser. Do I see other overweight people as losers? No, not really. But I think a lot of people do. I seriously have been thinking that it's making a bad impression on my new grad school classmates, for example. I dunno, that's probably crazy.

So, I'm not asking for tips on staying on a good diet. I'm asking for tips on fighting this fear and self-hate that has had me in tears now and then, and not infrequently, for over 20 years. My mother still hates her body, too. I don't want to do this forever. I don't want to stay on the rollercoaster. I would like to stabilize my body image, and accept my body as it is. HELP!!

I've been to Weight Watchers, they don't really address the body image.

I've been in therapy and not really addressed body image, what work could be done there for this? I can't imagine.

Help me not care.

PFL — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 05:17:29 -0800

How can I ignore my ego and feelings of self-importance? Yesterday I was inspired by this comment in this post. The quote "Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily" struck a chord with me and I would like to become more child-like in this regard.

How can I not give a crap about my ego or self-esteem and go out and take my lumps? Is there really any other answer than "just do it?"

Some additional detail: There are a lot of things I want to spend more time on, such as writing and performing music, becoming more social with people I don't know, and some other things. I just hate the idea of not being any good at this stuff so I tend to just float.

Thanks!

How to help a teenage girl do what she loves?

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:55:18 -0800

Two part interrelated question: 1) How to improve the self esteem of a 16 year old girl 2) who can't act but would like to be a good actor Our 16 year old daughter has finally morphed into a self absorbed, brooding teenager. Ok fine, that's natural. But it's also become clear that she has serious self esteem issues.

Back story: she's never been a popular with other kids, though adults adore her gentle and helpful nature. She has always had few friends and been shy and needy.

Over the past year though, she's gained a circle of very good friends and generally blossomed. However, the brooding moodiness typical of teenagers had come about and her general attitude has negative, while her old neediness had returned and through conversations, we've discovered that the self esteem issue has only gotten worse (feels she can't do anything right, sees high school for the boring warehouse it is, the world sucks etc, etc)

Yesterday I asked her what she thought she was good at, but she couldn't think of anything, so I asked her what she would like to be good at and the instant reply was 'Acting.' She's taken acting classes and programs before, but her shyness seemed to get in the way and she was consistently picked for the smaller roles and eventually seemed to move on to other things.

We want her to be happy and proud of herself. How can we help her achieve this either separately or through acting? Is the idea that we help become good at something the right direction?

books on cd for depression and low self esteem

Anonymous — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:17:09 -0800

I'm looking for books on cd that help with low self-esteem and depression. I'm not religious or spiritual and not looking to become rich, just want some inspiration and practical techniques.

Show me people who feel good about the way they look.

arianell — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:20:27 -0800

I'm looking for pictures that could serve as an antidote to "thinspiration". I'm recovering from an eating disorder, and I've recently gained more weight than I'm comfortable with. Rationally, I know I look fine, but occasionally I look in the mirror and freak out a little bit. I'm having a bit of trouble feeling attractive and sexy in my "new" body.

I think it would be good for my self-esteem if I could find a collection of photographs that highlight the fact that it's possible to be beautiful at any size. So, does anyone know of any websites or photography books that showcase people of all different sizes? Erotic and/or nude pictures would be especially cool, but I'd also appreciate any images that feature imperfect people embracing their flaws.

Thanks!

How do I rebuild my self-esteem after a break-up?

zembla3 — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:44:07 -0800

How can I rebuild my self-esteem after a break-up? A guy I really liked, whom I'd dated for a few months, recently broke up with me (I'm a woman in her late 20s.) I took it hard, but we've remained friends. He is dealing with several serious personal issues outside of my control, and my friends have repeatedly assured me that I'm an awesome person and that the break-up was not my fault. But I'm still struggling with feelings of "I'm somehow deficient as a person, and that's why my romantic relationships don't work out."

Some background: I have been in one long-term relationship (lasting about two years) that ended because we simply grew apart/lost the "spark." Since then, I've only been seriously interested in three other guys, all of whom I dated for less than six months. In each case, the guy I was dating broke up with me - although in one case, the guy contacted me a couple of years later to tell me that he'd been dealing with some emotional problems at the time and that the break-up wasn't my fault whatsoever. I should note that, until recently, I haven't been especially active on the dating scene, assuming that the right person would find me at the right time. In a number of instances, I went out on one or two dates with a guy and subsequently decided he just wasn't right for me.

I know that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and that you can't necessarily fault only one person for a break-up. I have a great, close-knit group of friends who assure me that I'm smart, funny and attractive, and that some day I'll find the right guy. I assume that these excellent, socially adept, well-adjusted people wouldn't be such good friends with me if I were unlovable or seriously screwed up in some way. But for some reason, I'm having a hard time getting over this most recent break-up, and I can't shake this onslaught of low self-esteem. How can I rebuild a positive self-image?

To sleep? Perchance to sleep?

MaddyRex — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 09:32:56 -0800

Dear Type A personality, what helps you ward off insomnia? One of my best friends has terrible insomnia. She's had it on and off her entire life, and recently it's been ON. Here are the facts:

On the plus side
1. She has a very healthy lifestyle: no drugs, very little alcohol, good eating habits, regular exercise.

On the con side
1. She just started a new job, which she loves, but it's a very high pressure job with real life or death consequences for the people she's helping, and she's very worried about doing well at it, making the right decisions, and making a good impression on her boss.

2. She has a tendency to knock herself down, especially when she can't get sleep. She sees having insomnia as a personal failing, which she knows is stupid, but it's a little voice she can't get rid of. Obviously that keeps her awake as well.

3. There's a good chance it's genetic, as her father (now deceased) had the same thing.

4. She takes Adovan occasionally for insomnia-related anxiety (I'm skeptical of this; I don't know if it's really indicated for that).

5. She's a Type A and also really not into the feel-good New Age stuff about mindfulness, meditation, yoga. Believe me, I've tried to bring this up with her.

Sigh. I personally think the major issue here is her crazy idea that insomnia some kind of moral failing, since she just starts hating on herself when she can't fall asleep and that exacerbates the issue. Obviously it would also be nice to get her to sleep in the first place.

Pharmacologically, I know some people take melatonin, and I've thought of recommending this to her, though I've never used it myself. Have any of you had luck with that?

So I guess there are a couple questions here: what do you do, in terms of drugs/sleep aids you take and things you do? How do you stop this cycle of late-night self hate?

Thanks! Looking forward to replies.

What can I eat with no teeth to speak of?

mediocre — Fri, 09 May 2008 10:40:59 -0800

Dentures dentures dentures! In stage one of getting dentures, what should I expect in the weeks to come? Due to a degenerative bone problem in my jaw, my dentist says that I have no option other then to get full dentures. I am 27, so you can imagine the humiliation involved.. and to make matters worse, I play the banjo.. Today, a matter of minutes ago.. I got home from having 20 teeth extracted, basically all of the back ones. Now my mouth is full of gauze, pain, and blood. When this is healed, I go back and get a second surgery where implants are placed for the lowers for retention and we install the uppers. In the mean time, what can I eat? I know nothing the suction limits, but does this include things like smoking "tobacco" pipes where there is no vacuum suction.. even if you are sucking on the pipe.. No straws, no solid foods to speak of.. all I have are my front teeth for cosmetic purposes and they are almost useless for chewing.. Should I get on a strict soup and juice regiment, or can I eat things as soft as cottage cheese? Any help is appreciated..

I want to be the "great addition to the team" they think they're getting.

Metroid Baby — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:04:40 -0800

Generally speaking, what can I do in the first day/week/month of a new job to make sure I get off on the right foot? Specifically speaking, how can I present myself as a smart interesting capable professional, and not a shy nervous slacker? I’ll be starting a new job in a few weeks. (I’d prefer not to give the details of what I’ll be doing – suffice it to say it’s a full time job in an office.) I’m excited, certainly, but I’m also a little nervous. I know how exciting shiny new jobs can sometimes turn into dull boring crappy jobs, and I want to avoid that if it’s possible. I know I can’t control whether the coffee sucks or my new boss is mean, but if there’s anything I can do that will help make a good impression – without coming across as a brownnoser - I’d like to hear it.

There are a couple things that I will probably have to overcome from the start. For starters, I’m shy and tend not to chat with coworkers particularly often. At some of my past jobs, I’ve thought, “well, I’ll make friends here eventually” and it never really happened. (My performance review at the job I’m leaving had two separate reviewers explicitly mention that I needed to socialize more.) I don’t want or need to go out drinking with work buddies every night, but on the other hand I want to appear approachable and likeable.

Additionally, given the choice, I tend to slack. Over the years I’ve gotten better about getting everything done, but I’m still as likely to be checking my personal email or drawing cartoons on my notepad as actually doing my work. I know it’s a good idea to ask for additional work if I don’t have anything on my plate, but when I have downtime the very last thing I want to do is reorganize all my file folders. This habit tends to get worse if I am bored/dissatisfied with work. It’s easier for me to control the slacking habit from the beginning than to try and reverse it when it’s in full swing, but regardless, procrastination usually wins in the end, so I’d like to head it off at the pass.

Finally – and this is probably my biggest hurdle – I am pretty scared that I’m going to blow this somehow. I’m worried I’m going to get there and be outed as a dum-dum, or that I’ll be too far behind the learning curve to be useful. My future bosses obviously think I’m smart and capable enough, but I’m having a hard time believing it myself.

I suppose that I need to convince myself I’m a fantastic addition to the company as much as or more than I need to convince my new coworkers. I’d greatly appreciate input on how to do both. I want this experience to be awesome and I want to be awesome at what I do.

Coping with balding at 19.

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 06:59:52 -0800

I'm losing my hair at 19 and I'm becoming an emotional wreck. A different person. How do I cope with this and become my old confident self again? My hair started to slightly thin at 18 but I was never overly concerned about it. I had a girlfriend who thought I was the best ever and I managed to not let the issue really bother me. However, during and after the stressful breakup of this relationship it rapidly picked up the pace (it really did speed up all of a sudden, it wasn't just a change in perception because I was suddenly without someone to tell me I was cute all the time) My hairline receded slightly and it just generally thinned out on top a lot. I used to have very thick hair and now it is more stringy-like. Judging from a few people in my family, most of it will probably dissapear. I'm the only one I know of though that started so early.

I started using Rogaine, not with the hope of anything growing but just in an attempt to slow it down a bit. I'm aware the only other thing that might work is Propecia, but I'm not about to use that stuff. Too many weird side effects. The long term ones aren't even fully known. I just don't want to go there. Wigs and transplants and all that weird stuff are out of the question.

Unfortunately, I really started to think about it. I constantly look at my hair in the mirror. Worry about it. I absolutely hate it.

I began searching for support online. Found all the advice of "just shave it when it starts looking weird and be confident!" All the girls that said bald men could be sexy. Confidence and personality matter. I felt relief. But only for a second.

The truth is, I'm one of the guys that the "shave it, but only if your head isn't a weird shape" comment applies to. I have a big ridge at the top of my head. It's basically pointy. My past girlfriend noticed it by touch and would lovingly joke about it. People always go "woah, weird..." when I comment about it and they feel it.

I cut my hair down to a 4 just to try to judge the shape of it, convince myself it wasn't as bad as it felt. I put a bunch of gel in it and matted it down just to judge the shape (I know, I know) And, sure enough, I resemble a conehead. On top of that I'm a skinny white guy.

That brings me to where I am now. I feel uglier than I ever have and I feel hopeless about the future. The fact is I will become less and less attractive through thinning and if I shave it off I have a good chance of looking pretty weird.

I've always felt reasonably attractive other than the times I was suffering some bad acne in highschool. I know I'm a decent looking guy. I was never the perfect 10 hunk, but I've always been attractive enough to draw some attention from the occasional lady and then win them over with my personality. All the girls I've dated have been decently attractive, with the last one especially being just absolutely gorgeous. I'm not shallow either. I value personality a lot and I'm aware that looks can only get people so far.

However, I feel that looks DO matter and thats why this is distressing me so much. Especially at my age. I know people will say "everyone is different and likes different things and find different people attractive." This is only true to a degree though and I feel its naive to deny this. I know I've heard of research that shows people usually end up with those that are of similar general attractiveness. Yes, theres some leeway to account for personality and circumstance. Yes, some people have fetishes for 400lb women. But in general, I feel its accurate to say people usually bat within their own league. And I've also heard, and found, that in general, NOT EVERYTIME (I really hope I don't piss people off), that more attractive people are often better adjusted, more comfortable in their skin, have healthier relationships etc. I'm talking in generalities, I definitely don't mean everyone. I'm not a shallow person. I just want to attract girls I find attractive, but I feel I have to be able to attract them somewhat physically before they can find out I'm a great guy and before I can judge if they're good people themselves.

I feel like I wont be able to attract the caliber girls I'm used to; both personality and look wise. At least it will be A LOT harder. I feel like my youth is being stolen from me. And I feel like theres absolutely nothing I can do about it. Almost every other guy I know has a full head of hair and is free of this burden. I remember how it felt to be like that. I should be enjoying my much clearer skin and working out and becoming MORE attractive, not slowly spiraling downward. What the hell happened to my prime? I'm also pissed about my head shape. At least if I had a normal attractive looking head I could go gracefully and probably not damage my look too bad. I really just want to fall in love with someone who I'm physically attracted to and who I think is the coolest person ever and have the feeling be mutual. I feel like this is going to be a lot harder to find and that really bums me out.

I know there's nothing I can do about the hair. But how do I cope with this? How do I feel attractive again? Most importantly how do I feel hopeful for the future? I know I don't look too bad now but I feel like my clock is ticking. I don't want to be that guy who freaks out every time some hair falls out. I also know that since I'm losing some looks I need to be even more confident and charming and funny and whatnot, but how can I be confident when I don't feel attractive or desirable? I'm not proud of the way I look anymore. I've tried positive talk but I just feel like I'm lying to myself. In all honesty I'm becoming very obsessed about this and I can feel myself becoming very depressed. I'm not usually a sad depressed person. I don't want to be this way at all.

I know this is a common problem. I would love to hear some stories from people who have gone through this at a similar age. I've just never felt so shitty about myself in my life and I can only see the tunnel getting darker.

I'm sorry this is so long. And I'm sorry if I sound like an insecure whiny wussy man. I'm not usually like this. Every hardship I've encountered in my life I've pushed through full throttle and with optimism. My acne. I had some bad social anxiety in dating situations that held me back for a bit. But I knew these were things I could overcome and I eventually did. With this though my rational brain is telling me, "this is the rest of your life buddy, say goodbye to the great times and hello to some major hardship and romantic difficulty."

Monsters with high self-esteem?

Metroid Baby — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 09:36:10 -0800

"Me not ugly, me is beautiful." Do you know what monster might have said this? I'm not sure of the exact wording. I'm not even sure if it's something I read or saw or just made up in my head.

Specifically, I'm thinking of a scene, possibly in a children's show, where a person is talking about an "ugly" monster. The monster overhears, and pipes up -- possibly in monsterly broken English, but maybe not -- that he is beautiful, not ugly. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

More generally, I'm looking for any examples of monsters that consider themselves beautiful, despite common opinion to the contrary. Anything in literature, TV, or movies, whether for children or adults. I'm curious how common a theme this is.

I'm pretty sure I'm not thinking of Shrek. It might be Sweetums from the Muppets, but I haven't found anything resembling the scene above. Any ideas?

Help me be my own best friend!

Madamina — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 20:25:48 -0800

I'm an extrovert who is turning into an introvert. How can I start liking the time I spend with myself? I've generally avoided time alone for the simple fact that I feel like I've had an awful lot of it. I grew up as (stop me if you've heard this one) an intelligent kid who had a very difficult time relating with peers -- I wanted to talk politics, they wanted Barbies. So I spent an awful lot of time reading, talking to adults, sitting in closets listening to the radio (oy), you name it -- lots and lots of time alone with my thoughts. This was also complicated by a lot of power struggles between me and my parents (okay, substitute "any authority figure" for "parents") and a latent case of ADHD, so even though *I* know I'm fabulous, I still have a fair amount of insecurity about myself and my thoughts. Overthinking and distraction, both near-constants, often lead to unnecessary anxiety.

Right now I find myself newly single (a good thing) but in the position of finally having everything in place to form my OWN life, for good and bad. I am always trying to find good friends, and it's been better recently than it has been in the past, but with the post-college era setting in there are a lot of moves away and not so many people filling in the holes left behind. My good friends are mainly online, while I have few "hang outable" friends here in town. Moreover, my ex was very stubborn and rather patronizing; trying to put together activities with him was like pulling teeth, and now I find myself just plain... tired. Tired of making a huge amount of effort for new friends, tired of hanging out with old friends that might not really have my best interests at heart. This does not suit my new relationship, nor any relationship I might have. I give people their independence, but I can be clingy because I can't think of anything better to do than just sit in someone else's presence. Sometimes this is comforting; other times, this is frustrating beyond belief.

So my problem is this: given that I can't stand time with my own thoughts, how can I learn to be more comfortable alone and enjoy the time I spend with myself? I know that being more comfortable with myself will greatly improve the healthy relationships I have with others. General ideas and specific activities are appreciated.

Tidbits:
--I enjoy the occasional splurge of retail therapy, and the same could be said for good food, but in both cases neither my waistline nor my purse find this a longterm solution.

--Yes, I am seeing a therapist. I'm getting better at recognizing anxiety-provoking distortions and managing them before they happen.

--I think the thing I hate the most about being by myself is that if I go to movies or concerts (for example), I hate not having someone to bounce conversation/reactions off of. HATE it.

--I suck at prioritizing boring things that are must-dos or "things that are good for you." Sunscreen, eating right, cleaning, you name it. I'm working on that too and am seeing a bit of success at work, at least. Overall, though, I do tend to be the kind of person who enjoys problem-solving and working for change.

No jokes about self-love please

DarkForest — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 15:12:37 -0800

Loving myself and loving others: Your tips and tricks please. This is a question about self esteem, relating to others, and its relationship to living a satisfying life. I have grave doubts about loving myself, and with few exceptions, I do not love others. If I could increase my capacity for both kinds of love, then I think many things would go better. Your suggestions and stories about doing this, please. Thank You! But please, no religious advice, thanks

Oh, the dilemmas of youth!

liquorice — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 23:20:59 -0800

I’ve been asked to try out for a modelling agency, sounds pretty sweet, right? Unfortunately, the only person not supportive of the idea is me. How do I convince myself that this may be a good idea? One day, while waltzing along singing tra-la-la between classes at uni - that's college to some of you - I was approached by a woman bearing business cards for a modelling agency. She told me she was scouting for an agency that had recently moved to Melbourne, and that I was "just beautiful". After a five minute chat, she'd explained how it would work. If I was interested, she would set up a coffee or dinner meeting with the heads, who would basically look me up and down and ask me whatever questions they had, before moving to the next step.

Now, I've received compliments about my looks, and I've been told more than once - not just by family - that I should or could be a model. Caveat: I don’t actually believe these two things are related. I do not find models attractive but they are, on the whole, tall and skinny. I happen to be tall and skinny but I realise taking on something like this will impact on my esteem, anyway. So this does seem like an intriguing and possibly fun prospect, but it's about now that I should mention that I am deeply self-conscious and insecure about my looks. Being looked over by people who will no doubt nitpick every aspect of my appearance won't do me any wonders, and being in some kind of clothing catalogue where any person can look upon and judge me - in my mind, always harshly - certainly won't either.

At the same time, this could be an excellent opportunity to boost my self-esteem and overcome the issues that plague me on a daily basis. Maybe even become comfortable in my own skin and as a person. It may sound like I’m jumping the gun, they haven’t, after all, even said I’m suitable but I don’t even know if I could handle a meeting!

So I'm conflicted. Could this be a great opportunity I shouldn't ignore, or will it end up with me in the foetal position on the floor? Is there a good chance this could severely damage the level of self-esteem I already have? Do you know of anyone, perhaps a bit insecure, who has benefited from doing some modelling work? I've tried dealing with the identifiable aspects of my life that have caused these insecurity issues, but to little or no avail. Could this then be a healthy step for me, or should I just enjoy the fact that I was even asked and keep it as a story for when I’m old and grey?

I don’t wish for this to turn into a discussion about my lack of healthy self-esteem. I realise this is something I need to work on but it’s not something I wish to deal with in a public forum. I do want to emphasise, however, that this more than just a “I have the occasional bad hair day” thing. It has been suggested before that may I have BDD.