Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with selfdiscipline

Diet + Marriage = Halp!!!

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 08:09:44 -0800

We both need to lose weight... But I need some help figuring out how to successfully do it together. We've both achieved middle-age spread, and need to turn this back; on this we are agreed. I know I can do it on my own... I lost 30 pounds (down to my target weight) a couple of years ago by eating sensibly without feeling terribly deprived while my husband was working out of town. Although I tried to keep it up once we resumed our normal living situation, I gained it all back. Ugh.

The problem is that while he agrees in principle to everything, and (in totally good faith, I know) agrees to stick with the diet plan (nothing weird... just cutting way back on sugar, fatty foods, meats, etc.), he feels very deprived and slips into old food habits very quickly.

Because he's always been naturally very slim he could eat anything all his life without any worry about weight gain - so he's basically spent 50 years never having to even consider his diet. I, on the other hand, have always had to be a bit careful, so I'm more accustomed to exercising some control. But "some control" isn't enough anymore, now that I'm older, and I really need to focus and keep up a deliberate approach.

The problem is that he will buy and prepare foods that are hard for me to resist when he falls off the wagon. He also seems so disappointed in meals that I prepare, though I try all sorts of tricks and methods of making them as tasty as possible... so I cave and start adding back more of the ingredients I'm trying to avoid. I should be stronger, but I'm not. When I succeeded on my own, I had to also create a mind space that eating this way was really delicious and more tasty and satisfying than the old way. I was able to do that, and actually feel that way... but I couldn't look at my food with a mental sigh that it wasn't something else, or I wouldn't have been able to stick to the plan. I had to approach it "holistically" and that worked.

Unfortunately, I'm not really very self-disciplined... once the "weight" (pardon the pun) of his dissatisfaction and urge to cheat is added into the mix, I can't seem to hold on to my resolve. The problem seems to me that once we agree that we need to rein in and start eating carefully, he sees our meals as being "diet food" and therefore unappealing. (Things like fake "burgers" etc. are only going to make that worse, I think.)

Our dynamic is very, very laid back; we've been together forever, rarely argue, aren't naggers (even when we should be, maybe), have always enjoyed cooking, eating and spending time together... we're really happy with each other! And I'd like to keep it that way. I can't imagine/don't relish becoming the house Food Nazi, and I'm not sure I could even do that, though I guess I could try.

For the record, if it helps, we're both in good health, take no medications, don't suffer from depression or other mental health issues, both pretty self-indulgent but live fairly simply, drinkers - but not every day, good humored, cheerful, don't eat very much fast food or other processed food, he loves his sweets. And bread, oh my. We don't live in a place that offers much of anything at all in the way of specialized "health food" or diet food items, though we have access to plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. We don't really have big soul-searching conversations about our relationship, etc., so while we can certainly have conversations about this, straightforward and pragmatic is more our deal, rather than "when you do this, I feel like this" kind of discussions.

Exercise is fine, but he gets quite a bit of that with his work, and has a very erratic schedule, so a regular program of gym after work, for example, is not an option for him.

btw, my husband is a kind, wonderful person, and I love him very much, so if we can avoid a lot of insults, that would be good.

What is a writing retreat really like?

different — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 04:25:26 -0800

I've been awarded a place in a month-long writing residency/retreat in the countryside. But I'm scared! What if I'm no good at it? I have managed to get a place in a prestigious writing retreat program in the north-eastern US, where I don't have to do anything except for write. I still have a few months to go before the retreat begins, but I'm already terrified. I'm worried that I'll have trouble getting anything done when I have such a huge empty block of time ahead of me. I'd really love to hear from any Mefites who have successfully completed such a retreat. Googling hasn't turned up much except that I shouldn't plan to finish ten novels and make detailed outlines for another ten.

All I have to do on the retreat is write; all cooking, cleaning, washing and everything else will be taken care of for me. Have you been on a writing retreat? What was it like?

I need discipline! (no, not that kind of discipline)

Anonymous — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 15:26:10 -0800

Help me re-develop personal discipline without tearing myself to pieces. I reached adulthood with all the typical cognitive screwups of someone who was once a 'gifted kid': unreasonably high standards, bad study and work habits, a tendency to procrastinate and a nagging sense that I was utterly failing to reach my potential. Yeah, me and half of Metafilter, I'm sure.

With cognitive behavioural therapy, I've worked through a lot of this. I've learned how to lower my standards to somewhere below the stratosphere, to stop punishing myself like an overbearing parent, to break up tasks into manageable chunks and to carefully manage the depression and anxiety which have haunted me through most of the past ten years. I'm a whole lot less highly-strung than I was, and I no longer have any attachment to the idea of being 'special'. I'm an ordinary adult and I just want to finish my degree and continue to progress in my career.

What I really need, though, is to learn a new method for self-discipline. CBT taught me that old way of disciplining myself was contributing to my depression.

My thought process used to go something like this:

I should do this difficult intellectual task -->
I'm reluctant to start this task because I'm afraid I be able won't do it perfectly -->
I'm a bad person for procrastinating on this task -->
I won't do anything fun until I've done this task, that'll motivate me to do it -->
I hate the world, there is no joy in my life; I never do anything fun -->
I don't deserve to do anything fun because I haven't done this difficult intellectual task -->
I'm miserable and anxious and I'm a bad person. -->
I should do this difficult intellectual task.

Rince, lather, repeat until suicidal.

So I learned not to 'beat myself up' when I fail to meet my own expectations. Some of those expectations really were unreasonable, so I'm glad I'm no longer bound by them. But I do still need self-discipline in my life; there are tasks I must do despite there being no immediate external consequence for not doing them. And although I'm no longer self-flagellating myself into depression about them, sometimes I just...don't do them. If I try to brute-force myself into doing them, that old thought process is still there, all too eager to take over and help me tear myself to pieces about it.

So, how do I develop the personal discipline to meet my own, mostly reasonable, expectations? Without 'punishing' or 'rewarding' myself in ways which remind me of that old thought process (and, to get all Freudian for a moment, of my parents).

How do I do that? How do you? Am I right in thinking it has something to do with personal integrity? Authenticity, perhaps?

Yes, I'll discuss this with my therapist. No, I'm not on meds, and that isn't going to change.

You need concentwation.

Saxon Kane — Sun, 11 May 2008 20:26:53 -0800

How do you develop focus, drive, and personal discipline? Hi there. I'm looking for advice -- both psychological/philosophical and practical -- on how to develop my sense of personal discipline.

There are a number of areas of my life in which I feel like a stronger sense of focus and drive would really improve my performance and make me a happier & more productive person.

In particular, my work. I'm a PhD student, just getting into the dissertation phase. I do a lot of reading, writing, research, and grading. Often, I procrastinate (especially on the writing/grading), leaving things until the last minute. I usually perform pretty well under pressure, but I do often get the sense that I'm not performing up to my level of capability. And, in terms of grading, I feel like I don't give my students all that they deserve. When I read papers, I get easily distracted after 1 or 2 essays, and my comments become vague and not too helpful. Inevitably, I'm left with 15 papers left the day before I've promised to give them back, and I rush through them and the students don't get a lot of great feedback or help for their next project. I'd like to be able to focus more when doing my research; instead of reading for 30-45 minutes, then taking an hour break, I want to spend more time really focusing on the texts and getting a lot out of them. I'd also like to be able to get into a habit of writing regularly, and not having to churn out 20 pages in a night.

Other issues include things like working out regularly, sticking to a healthy diet, and just getting out of bed in the morning when I need to rather than hitting the snooze button 10 times.

Practical advice is welcome, of course, but I have tried many things like to-do lists and setting aside certain times during the day for specific tasks. I guess that I need a way to ingrain a sense of focus and discipline into my psyche. If any of you have had particular success it going from slacker to champ, please let me know.

I need a drill sargeant to make me get fit.

chudmonkey — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 13:03:15 -0800

How can I develop a healthier lifestyle despite my significant lack of initiative? The bottom line is that I want to act & feel healthier.

My diet is about 1/2 fast food, and 1/2 meals prepared at home. I don't have a very sophisticated palette, and don't eat with much variety - no spicy foods, not a lot of ethnic foods, way too few veggies - just a lot of burgers, sandwiches, pasta and junk food. About 6-7 months ago I dropped a Coca-Cola habit; I went from about 2 litres per day to none, and now I drink at least the same volume of water each day.

I don't excercise. I walk more than most people I know, because I don't have a car and frankly enjoy walking, but I never just walk for a walk's sake.

I have psoriatic arthritis, so in addition to splotches of dry/dead skin, my 26-yr old bones and joints are starting to get stiff and achy. I'm prescribed a cream for my skin spots, and it works when applied, but I don't use it as regularly as I should because it's messy, I'm more than a little lazy, and the thought of controlling my psoriasis with a lifetime of daily cream applications makes me feel hopeless.

So here's where I'm at: I know that I need a better diet and an excercise plan in order to lose weight. The problem is that I am not a self-motivated person. I only do my job because I'd be fired if I didn't. I only do my household chores because doing so makes my roommates' lives easier. I'm not trying to over-state anything, but I'm convinced that if I were left to my own devices with no obligations to others, I'd be 500 lbs, surrounded by dirty clothes and pizza boxes, planted in front of the TV and dead within a few months.

Intellectually, I understand that I have a social obligation to my loved ones to stay healthy and stay around, but that just isn't a motivation for me, for better or worse.

I do respond well to direction, though. For the most part, I enjoy being told what to do, and the feeling that what I'm accomplishing is important to someone other than myself. To that end, I'm wondering what diet/excercise options exist that will take choice and freedom away from me, and instead tell me exactly what to do, when and for how long. Something that I have to pay for in advance would likely help keep me motivated.

Optimally, I'd like to have all my meals planned by someone else, whether or not I have to prepare them myself, as well as an excercise regimen that's pre-defined, but it would have to make allowances for my varying daily work schedule. I'd really prefer to stay out of a gym, because my skin condition makes me self-conscious.

I've seen TV ads for a "Doctor-assisted weight loss" clinic in my town, and I wonder if this is something like what I'm looking for.

Otherwise, I'm just looking for suggestions and testimonials related to extremely lazy/un-motivated people getting fit. It's not that I don't want to work at this; investing time and effort is obivously what it will take - it's just that I don't believe I can both plan it AND do it.

How do you get through mind-numbing tasks?

WCityMike — Wed, 01 Jun 2005 05:27:14 -0800

I'm dealing with some boring things to do at work. I'm wondering what things you do (mentally, emotionally, procedural 'tricks', self-benefits/rewards, discipline, etc.) to get yourself through stuff you find excruciatingly boring, but necessary. One of the reasons I enjoy doing what I'm currently doing (being a legal secretary) is that my mind is kept challenged and alert throughout most of the day by a variety of tasks.

However, I recently changed positions, and this position includes filing duties. (At my old firm, we had separate file clerks.) This task is very unexciting to me -- it involves filing paper away, creating necessary subfiles, etc.

I'm wondering how other people get through tasks they very much dislike ... what things you set yourself up with, what reward/punishment system, what things you tell yourself, and so on.

(I should note that this fortunately is not a huge part of my job, probably more a weekly-type duty -- except for right off the bat, where there will be a very large portion of "make-up" filing that my predecessor didn't accomplish.)

Seeking Self Discipline

phyrewerx — Wed, 09 Mar 2005 14:22:40 -0800

Any ideas on increasing self discipline with respect to personal habits? Particularly in a College/Academic setting? I'm an upper-year college student and I do alright in school. However, I've discovered lately that my time management and sleeping habits aren't what they used to be. I can't seem to will myself to exercise or sleep early and sometimes I procrastinate to the nth degree when studying or working on papers.

It's only become apparent the last few months and it's starting to show in my work. Any suggestions on how to increase self-discipline? What worked for you to over come any sense of 'burnt-out'-ness when you were at university?

The Nibbler Strikes!

whatnot — Mon, 19 Jul 2004 13:16:06 -0800

The nibbler strikes! Why can't I just sit here and work (or read MetaFilter) without constantly munching on sunflower seeds, popcorn, gummi bears, and the like? Anyone here ever overcome a too-much-snacking-in-front-of-the-computer habit? Any advice will help. Thanks.