Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with selfconfidence

How to feel more secure saying no to opportunities

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:31:43 -0800

Need help avoiding a scarcity mentality and being too risk-averse. How can I gain more self-confidence and be willing to say no to things that aren't right for me? I recently had to make the choice between two graduate programs, and it was terribly stressful.

I think the reason it was so hard was that I was reluctant to give up one of them, which provided a sense of security.

I'm realizing how desperately I want a sense of security and how hard it is for me to give up anything that even remotely appears to give it. I know where this comes from. I had economically unstable, drug-addicted, abusive parents. Then I spent a lot of years professionally unfulfilled and in an abusive relationship. At the end of it all, I was able to turn it around. Now I have money in the bank, a good degree, close friends, good prospects, etc.

But I'm still scared, still stuck in that mentality. I will fight tooth and nail for any opportunity (and have gotten good at applying for things). I will say yes to anything prestigious whether or not it's what I really want. And sometimes I do badly when given a chance because my heart isn't in it and I just want to prove that I can be chosen, that I could get the opportunity if I wanted it.

I'm having a hard time figuring out who I am and what I want, because it's so hard for me to say no.

A friend of mine recently turned down a really good job offer, because it didn't look fun. Another friend turned down a Fulbright because he wasn't interested in studying the subject matter anymore. But me? I'd take the job and the Fulbright and have trouble saying no to any of it, for fear it would never come along again. I am very afraid of having nothing going on in my life, of never amounting to anything, of being like my parents or my abusive ex.

How can I gain more self-confidence and be willing to say no to things that aren't right for me?

What makes (or doesn't make) you a therapist?

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 06:50:04 -0800

How did you know that you wanted to be a therapist? What made you feel that you could do it? What doubts did you have, and how did you deal with them? If you changed your mind, what persuaded you to do so? What would you tell someone if they were considering becoming a therapist? I'm in my early 30s, and I've thought of working towards becoming a therapist or counselor for a long time. When I was in university I was struggling with a lot of destructive behaviours, and I pushed that desire aside because it didn't make sense to pursue it at the time: even though I had insight, I couldn't seem to help myself. I took some psychology classes, which I loved, but ultimately I graduated with an unrelated degree. Since then, with continued reflection, therapy for awhile, and supportive partner and friends, my overall patience and happiness with myself has greatly improved and those destructive behaviors are in the past. And so now, I find myself considering this old desire to go back to school and to really give myself a chance to learn how to be there for other people. Scares me a bit but I kind of fell into the career I thought I chose, and this potential new direction feels like something worth struggling for. I'm quiet, very patient, really enjoy listening to people, hearing their stories, trying to understand how and why they see the world the way they do, sharing all that pain and emotion. I've volunteered on distress lines. I remember what it was like to be truly heard when I needed to be and I really see the power in offering that to people. This is why this is important to me.

I guess I'm wondering, how much of this is realistic to expect to learn? I know that one doesn't have to have everything figured out about life to be a therapist, but I have these nagging doubts: Is it possible to not be extraverted enough? I still get critical about myself - does having such a destructive streak or a tendency to doubt one's abilities make it audacious of me to consider this? Are these good intentions truly not enough? Are there things about myself that I don't realize should preclude me from trying this? How did you know that you were capable of doing this heavy work?

Deep down, I know that this is a question of self-confidence more than it is a question of checkboxed external measures to help evaluate myself by. I've been wanting to ask you all about this for awhile and I'd truly appreciate all perspectives and gentle or brutally honest advice. Thanks.

Book Recommendations Needed: Self-Confidence

whitebird — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 07:34:08 -0800

Does anyone know of any good, short books on building one's self-confidence? When I say self-confidence I don't mean a feeling of self-worth--already got that--but an external, exuded confidence, as in, "Hey, that guy must know what he's doing!"