Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with self-help

Is it normal to feel worse as you get better?

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 12:42:55 -0800

Lately, all of the things I've been doing to try to take better care of myself seem to make me feel worse. Does anyone have advice on this? For about a year, I've been making a serious effort to promote positive change in my life. I lost ~60 lbs, started going to yoga 2-3 times a week, joined a weekly group therapy session, began attending meetups and volunteering, and joined an internet dating site.

Yet most of the time, these things don't make me feel better. For instance:

- I go to group therapy and feel like I can't relate to anyone else in the group, because everyone else there has connections in their lives with people that love them.

- I go to a meetup and I'm secretly thinking that people I meet there dislike me, even though they are nothing but charming and kind.

- Someone on the internet dating site indicates interest and I look at their incredibly attractive/energetic/intelligent/interesting profile and feel worthless in comparison.

- I accomplish a goal (weight loss mini goal, a new yoga pose, etc.) but instead of feeling happy, I think about how anyone else would have accomplished the same goal faster or better.

These reactions don't happen all of the time, but they happen enough of the time that I feel significantly more unhappy than I did a year ago when I started this project. Even when I'm in the middle of a reaction, most of the time I'm lucid enough to know that my interpretation of things probably isn't what's going on at all. It's almost like I'm dreaming... on one level I know that things probably aren't happening the way I think they are, and on another level I'm caught up in the dream.

Does anyone have any advice for this type of thing? If you went through a similar process, did you have a part in the middle where you felt incredibly discouraged? What helped you?

Talk, talk

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 07:09:46 -0800

Seeking good talk therapist in the greater Norfolk, Virginia Beach area. I realize it's a long shot, but I thought I would still ask. The list my HMO provides basically forces me to cold call dozens of therapists and make appointments for consultation without having any idea if I'll like them. I'm going on some leads from friends, but I'd like any other opinions. I trust the hivemind to nudge me in the right direction, and possibly save me a few crappy consultations before I find the right person.

I'm stuck in beta

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 16:41:02 -0800

I have spent years reading self-help books, productivity blogs, self-help productivity blogs. I’ve found some treasured information and they have probably helped me in more ways than I’m conscious of, but… What now? I mean, how does one apply all this info? I get to the implementation stage, and I freeze because I can’t remember which question I need to ask to get an authentic answer, how to break it down into manageable steps, which bucket it should go into, which three steps I take to counter my negative thought, etc etc. And then I get distracted by a new Steve Pavlina entry on my RSS reader. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s very frustrating.

I’ve gone through several of those major life-changing events in the past 6 months or so: death of a parent (which, while unexpected and very, very sad, has been the catalyst for a rediscovery of appreciation in my life and is part of what’s pushing me to try to “live fully”), new job. Blah.

My motivation feels all shot to hell, and I feel like I’m just doing what I need to do to get by. I worry that life is passing me by. I know these major life-changing events are certainly having an impact there, but I just don’t know what to do, how to move forward without cheating myself out of healing time, knowing when to move forward.

And, I’ve started to wonder: what’s my goal anyway? What does the super-productive, creative, self-assured me look like? I feel like I’m being bombarded with different versions of the ideal every single day, and I don’t know what to choose.

How can a "lazy" person develop successful work habits?

itchi23 — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 08:09:31 -0800

How can a self-described "lazy" person develop really effective and successful long-term work habits? I start graduate school in the fall (MFA program,) and I want to be extremely productive and active in my work during that period in order to be quite successful later in life. There's nothing new in that story - but I've never developed any kind of "good" work habits.
Throughout my undergrad (and going back to high school, earlier) I've always skated through classes and work, just getting by and underachieving. Now, when I really want to pursue a project or idea, I'll get really fired up, and then my enthusiasm dies or I'll get distracted or I'll make up reasons why surfing for teh pr0ns or playing snes is a much better idea than doing the work I really love. I'll finish a project here and there, but nothing close to what I could do if I wasn't ...."lazy." I've tried all sorts of self-help and motivational stuff, and usually I'll follow it for a while and be really productive, and then back to the old habits. Needless to say, I'm looking for any gimmicky or new age-y solutions.
I want to develop rock-solid work habits and be extremely self-motivated; I have a lot of ambition, but it rarely manifests itself into action. It's been quite a while since I've experienced "flow" - and I want that back.
Any suggestions, thing that've worked for you, websites, blogs, etc?

Teen relationship help

LSK — Fri, 09 May 2008 19:16:29 -0800

Why are there no good books on relationships for teenagers? [I could use one.] Granted, I usually like solving this type of thing on my own, but I have an acquaintance (met during a Magic tournament) that I would be interested in getting to know better and I don't know how to ask her on a date without seeming overtly desperate or pushing too hard. I've had bad experiences in the past with trying to meet up with casual acquaintances of both genders, and I wish I knew how to ask someone so that they'll respond.

Self-Help Strategies

mizrachi — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:42:50 -0800

I’ve just finished reading The Now Habit, an incredibly useful and inspiring book on overcoming procrastination. What’s the best approach to implementing and then retaining the strategies presented in this, or any other, book? Because I’ve been a procrastinator for so long, I’ve never completed a long term project like this, where I read a self-help book and attempt to implement all of its strategies. So, I’m looking for suggestions from anyone who’s done this before.

I’m considering:

Rereading the book entirely
Copying down all of my underlines in a separate notebook
Creating flashcards of the most useful passages
None of the above

Self-help books?

deeman — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 10:45:05 -0800

What are some "life enhancing" books/programs I should check out to help live a more successful and rewarding life? I recently started reading How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie and have developed a large interest in "life enhancing" books/programs. I'm fresh out of college and lust to improve my life. What are some popular and proven books/programs I should check out that can help me become more successful and live a rewarding life? I want to learn all the trade secrets that the pros use to get ahead of everyone else.

Soul Mining: How do I learn how to feel my emotions?

droplet — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 09:21:54 -0800

How does one dig up and release deep-seated rage, or any other deeply repressed (old baggage-type) emotions? I've been in therapy for a year with PTSD related to child abuse. Suffice it to say that it was an incredibly bad 20 years that I went through and have held onto for a long time. Until recently, I was unconscious of the fact that I allowed my abusers' opinions of me, life, the universe and everything color my world view. I'm more aware now and am no longer in communication with these relatives, who seem to think and have said outright that I'm a selfish bitch for leaving them be. They're pretty enmeshed in their scary world. On the other hand, my choices as an adult have put me in a place where I'm approaching mid-life and for all intents and purposes may as well have graduated from university yesterday (live with roommates, crap underpaid job below my abilities, no bf/husband, socially passive, etc.). I only realized I needed help when I was in an acting class where an extreme emotion was required for my character in a scene and I panicked. I couldn't separate the character from my self, and I did not want to go to the place the scene required me to go.

One of the things my therapist pointed out to me is that I'm EXTREMELY controlled. Expressing even self-pride or happiness at an accomplishment was a threat to the adults in the household I grew up in, much less letting anger enter the picture. Holding things in and being watchful was a self-protective strategy at the time. But I don't need to be on guard from violence anymore and need some advice on how to tap and release the rage and pain. I'm scared of hurting myself or someone else. I'm also scared of what there is afterwards, in terms of getting on with life. I don't cry very much. I don't express anger very much. And neither do I express much joy. I'm not sure what that would be, anyway. There's a part of me that fears others' wrath or disdain if I express my self, as if I don't count, but they do. What can I do KNOW that I count and am within my rights to feel things?

The therapist has been more focused on getting me to acknowledge these needs and the reality of my abusers as flawed human beings who purposely hurt a defenseless kid and less on how to get stuff done. We're on hiatus at the moment, because therapy is exhausting, however, I think it's time for another type of therapy that's less talking and more something else, but I'm not sure what to do.

Coping emotionally until I get professional help

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 19:55:35 -0800

I know I need therapy, and I intend to get it as soon as my health insurance comes through in a few weeks. I'm under a lot of strain from a pending divorce and various related financial issues. I'm not just depressed, but I have the attention span of a gnat and I get caught in horrible, tormenting chains of obsessive thoughts. This is really crippling my ability to work and bill my customers, leading to more financial stress, leading to more emotional stress, etc. What solid things can I do in the short term to focus, work and get things done without pacing, obsessing and crying a lot? You might insist that I get professional help NOW, but even if I get treatment that doesn't require medication, this will count as a pre-existing condition and could either jack up my rates or be the last straw that gets my application rejected completely. I've had other health issues this year that may already be turning the underwriters against me.

Here's how I'm behaving:

* I met some friends this weekend and had a great time, but I started tormenting myself today with thoughts of how I had behaved awkwardly or stupidly. (They're not terribly close friends, so I can't burden them with a request for help right now.)
* I haven't been able to focus on my cluttered office and prioritize and make decisions. Some days I manage fewer than 2 billable hours. Deadlines are whooshing past.
* I can't stop thinking about how unutterably, achingly lonely I am.

My disposable address is askmemedical@gmail.com. Thanks!

Guidenice on being tired/depressed and steps to take.

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 11:07:37 -0800

MedFilter: Looking for guidance on general chronic lethargic feeling (both physically and emotionally). (wordy) I hate medfilter, long posts, and people who don't do their research first, and as such, I apologize for breaking two of these rules, but I have read every post related to depression. I have insurance. This is a long time lingering problem (6+ years) that I would seriously like to fix, and I have tried the normal channels and failed.

This is more of a 'who do I talk to, and what do I say' type of question, as I have seen both a psychiatrist and a doctor multiple times over the years to no avail.

I am chronically tired physically. I wake up exhausted, I feel tired to the point of exhausted at work, and in social situations. I don't have an overly stressful work situation, nor do I feel like I am over-anxious about social outings (specifically, though I am frequently over anxious about things, to the point of casual OCD, like checking creditcard bills online multiple times a day, knowing they wont be updated, etc). I have also for quite some time felt extremely depressed (to the point of regular suicidal thoughts), which I have attempted to address through both talk therapy, as well as medication (various SSRI's) which I am currently on (only medication).

I feel almost abandoned by 5-6 therapists who have more or less said you are fine mostly through my own omission, or not reading into things enough, or pushing hard enough even when asked to. But at the same point, I am there because I don't know what to address, or what the issue is.

The physical exhaustion/lack of energy seems to have its easiest explanation in a depressed mood, but could it be something else? I am overweight, and had a typical college kid whos moved out and lives on takeout and pizza/beer diet, but have slowly been organizing my life. I took the list of "things that make you less depressed" to heart as much as possible, and have worked up to running 5k's (from not being able to run at all!), bike ~50 miles, and lost 30+lbs. I watch what I eat, and have slowly and sanely been losing weight. I sleep normal hours (7-8 hrs a night, standard bedtime/wake up time). I have tried a variety of diets (ie, less carbs, less refined sugars, no caffeine, none of which were 100%, but used as guidelines for a few weeks to see if they had any effect. Recently I've cut out all meats (vegetarian) and been doing that for 2-3 months with no ill effects. I have lived healthily for the last 2+ years (balanced diets, lots of water, getting out quite a bit).

I feel as though I shouldn't feel exhausted ALL the time, and be more motivated with this energy to do things (complete a few final classes, clean my apartment, be social), but all I feel like doing is sleeping most of the time, or feel like a zombie when im out and about, not really thinking more just observing.

So whats a depressed, but intelligent twenty something supposed to do? My doc is quick to put things off as normal (HMO syndrome?), and therapists seem useless.

How can I help myself not feel depressed?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 May 2007 09:15:05 -0800

What do I do about being (maybe) depressed when one of my issues is a complete refusal to talk to others about how I feel? Some days I feel fine, some days I feel like absolute crap. I don't know if I'm imagining how I feel, or whatever, but most days I can convince myself that even if I'm imagining it, that kind of screwed up imagination itself probably means I should see someone. But I can't/won't/don't want to. I just barely ever talk about how I'm feeling, or negative stuff that happens (it took me about a month to let my close friends and family know that I'd broken up with my longterm live-in boyfriend). I have normal conversations about how crap last night's tv was and so on, even stuff like the cute guy I hooked up with, but nothing really deep. And I know I could if I really wanted to, but I really really don't want to. When I was a teenager I told a teacher I was very close to about being depressed, and then it went to my parents and I spent a few months enduring sessions with an absolute idiot of a psychologist. Probably not helping me now.

Things I do at the moment to help myself:
-plan for specific future goals, like a week's holiday later this year, and work towards it (look up my destination, put money away)
-exercise: I've played sport my whole life, I normally exercise three or four times a week. It's good, but I feel worst at night, and can't really just head out for a jog at 3am.
-being conscious of good things: I've started noticing the awesome scenery around me, like going to one of the prettiest campuses in the country. I try and list positive things I've got, like travel opportunities and so on.

My original question was how could I make myself see a therapist, but on writing I think that I won't until I really want to. So, what can I do for myself to help me feel better? And, spontaneous extra question, how do I bring stuff like this up with friends, without being an attention seeking drama queen?

throwaway email: not.that.weird@gmail.com

Help me expel this unwelcome bigotry

Aghast. — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 10:39:53 -0800

I've noticed a significant amount of bigotry emerging in my thinking. To be more specific, I find myself being irritated by people from a certain group and I find myself blaming their irritating-ness on their ethnicity. (Which ethnicity? I'd rather not say and I don't think it matters.) Any suggestions on how to nip this in the bud? Books? Healing your Inner Bigot? For the record, I don't think my perception is accurate. The thoughts persist though and are emerging more often to my dismay.

Self-help to deal with my social problems?

saraswati — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 19:02:51 -0800

Is there a self-help book to help me cope better in social situations? Are there any self-help books that can help me hold conversation better? I feel uncomfortable with people I'm not close to and have problems maintaining eye contact. I think it's becoming a real problem for me and I'd like to deal with it ideally without therapy. Can anyone suggest any methods to help me, preferably ones that aren't scams? Thanks

Help me find a self-help book for my unconfident friend!

BuddhaInABucket — Sun, 12 Mar 2006 10:34:09 -0800

I have a chronically un-confident friend. I would like to find him a self-help book to teach him how to have more self-esteem. The issues stem from anxiety about his looks (he's very attractive but thinks that everyone is just patronizing him when they tell him so), his sexuality (he's never come to terms with being gay), and probably whatever issues are associated with having an identical twin (one that he thinks is better looking and cooler than him, although that's not the case). He's 21 years old and he's agreed to read whatever I send him.

Self-help?

ttrendel — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 16:19:54 -0800

Self-help books- helpful or hogwash? (more inside) I've recently started addressing some issues about myself that I would like to change, namely low self-esteem, bouts of depression, and a general feeling that I don't fit in. I always feel like somewhat of an outsider and this makes me pretty uncomfortable when meeting new people. I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk through these issues and hopefully try out some medications that may help with the social anxiety disorder. While walking through the bookstore today I noticed just how expansive the self-help section was. Are these books actually helpful? If so, does anyone care to suggest some titles? Thanks in advance.

Self-help books that help?

INTPLibrarian — Sat, 15 Oct 2005 11:18:25 -0800

I'm interested in finding self-help books that have actually helped people. Has anyone read a self-help book that really did significantly improve their lives (or some aspect of their lives)?

Do Affirmations Work?

dugnorth — Thu, 11 Aug 2005 10:45:44 -0800

Do self-help affirmations work? Is there any evidence (scientific or anecdotal) that self-help affirmations can help a person change and/or feel better about certain aspects of life? I'm speaking of positive, present-tense,first person statements commonly advocated by self-help literature.

learn to fight?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 May 2005 17:49:37 -0800

How do I learn to argue with my wife? I don't fight with my wife. She gets upset, says mean things, and accuses me of being withdrawn, and I feel hurt and I withdraw even more. It was suggested to me that I need to learn to fight with her. To not withdraw, but to engage. The advice was, "Your gift to her is to fight with her." (Whoa.) But how? I'm specifically looking for book recommendations, but anecdotes and advice are welcome too. I assume that most books on fighting/anger deal with toning yourself down and fighting fair. I need something about letting go and fighting less fair.