Help me stop thinking I'm evil.

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 05:04:24 -0800

Will I ever be able to stop thinking that I am evil? My father sexually abused me when I was a little girl, and I believe that I caused it because I am evil and deserve to have bad things happen to me.

Currently I'm in my 30s and have a pretty good life. I have been in a great relationship for over 5 years, I am successful in a job that I enjoy, I have great friends and a great therapist. My relationship with my family is distant but OK; by my choice, I have not had contact with my father in over 10 years. I'm proud of the life that I have built, and I even hesitate to post this question because I keep thinking my problem is not that bad.

Deep down, though, I still feel like I am deeply, fundamentally evil and that I will contaminate and destroy anything I contact. This causes me all kinds of problems. For example, it is very hard for me to believe that my partner truly loves me, because I'm convinced I am unlovable. I have a lot of trouble asking for help with anything, because why would anyone ever want to help me? (I may be the only woman in the world who refuses to ask for directions.) I have a low-level background conviction that I'm a fraud, just getting by pretending to be a good person, and someday I'll be found out and exposed for the monster that I am.

Therapy has helped me understand the reason for this: if the abuse was my fault, then I can hold on to the idea that my father loved me - he "had" to abuse me, because I'm so evil - and therefore I'm spared the full pain of what he did.

OK, I understand this intellectually, but I still want to stop feeling this way because it is a pain in the ass. Yes, I'll continue in therapy, but what else could help?

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Help me stop thinking I'm evil.