Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with self-esteem

Poor Me

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 10:00:08 -0800

I think I may have a victim mentality and I'm not sure how to fix it. I've known people with victim mentalities. They are always making excuses and think everybody is out to get them. They always have somebody to blame for their problems. I don't complain outwardly. I'm good-natured, don't blame others, and I'm not a "whiner" I'm aware of my shortcomings and take responsibility for them.

In dark moments I have a lot of negative self-talk and most of it rings of a victim mentality. I have thoughts like these:

If I lost weight it wouldn't matter because my husband wouldn't notice anyway. I'm not really attractive, so what is the point of trying to shed the extra pounds? I can't lose all of the weight I want to lose, so why bother? (Could holding onto extra weight be a form of rebellion?)

Why clean this house when it's in a crappy neighborhood? Nobody comes over anyway. If I clean the house I'll still have this crappy furniture.

Nobody has a fucked up family like mine. Why do I have to have a family like this?

I have made so many mistakes in my marriage/parenting/friendships. I'll never repair them and I'll never have fulfilling relationships.

And so on. As I write these out I realize how ridiculous they sound. These are the thoughts that are in my head and I repeat them often when I am feeling down. I have had these thoughts to varying degrees for years. How can I stop?

Girls who wear glasses...

meindee — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:53:16 -0800

Looking for examples of movies in which the heroine takes off her glasses and becomes cool/pretty/better... And ideas for encouraging the practice to stop. I was surprised when Drew Barrymore stooped to this level with the roller derby movie "Whip It!" I'd forgotten about the moment until I bought the soundtrack today and had an Acuvue ad fall in my lap. "How will Acuvue brand contact lenses transform you?" it asked.

I'm disappointed in Drew and not surprised by Acuvue...

Two part question:
1. It seems like I've seen the glasses to contacts ugly duckling scene over and over, but I'm having trouble coming up with examples now that I'm ticked. Anyone?

2. Do any organizations exist specifically for girls who wear glasses? I'd like to volunteer for or donate to one if so. Ideas?

Best English-language books on improving one's social and conversational skills

cotesdurhone — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:24:01 -0800

What are the best English-language books in existence on improving one's social and conversational skills? A good friend of mine is intelligent, nice, and pretty-- but has somewhat low self-esteem, is fairly self-conscious, and has inveterately been awkward in various social situations, especially at parties and other larger social events.

She recently started graduate school, and has been complaining to me that her social awkwardness continues, hindering her from getting to know her fellow students and making connections and friends.

Her birthday is coming up soon, and as a present I wanted to give her a collection of 3-5 books that bode to help her build self-esteem, overcome social anxiety, and improve her social and conversational skills.

I spent a long time searching Metafilter and manifold websites for suggestions on the best books that address these issues as comprehensibly as possible. I've pasted the results below.

Though there are thousands of such 'self-help' books, which made the search a bit precarious, I couldn't find any that seem particularly good. The best of the lot, for various reasons, seem at best 'just decent'-- limited, reductive.

I can't help thinking that there must be better ones, maybe written long ago and forgotten, maybe esoteric, I must be missing. Otherwise, the genre seems to be lackluster. I'm curious to hear any recommendations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“True ease in talking comes from art, not chance, as those move easiest who have learned to dance.” - Alexander Pope

books
-- How to Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie [doesn't teach how to improve self-esteem, or why/how to be interested in others]
-- Conversationally Speaking : Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness by Alan Garner [mediocre to decent reviews]
-- The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace by Margaret Shepherd [mediocre reviews]
-- The Art of Conversation: A Guided Tour of a Neglected Pleasure by Catherine Blyth [below mediocre-to-decent reviews]
-- Messages: The Communication Skills Book & Messages Workbook - Matthew McKay
-- The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron
-- COPING:A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR PEOPLE WITH ASPERGER SYNDROME by Marc Segar -- //www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/

Other books (but probably worse than the former)
-- The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skillsand Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine
-- How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman

Self-Esteem
-- Self Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- The Self-Esteem Companion by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante H. Gunaratana -- http://www.budsas.org/ebud/mfneng/mind0.htm [suspect]
-- Out of Your Mind by Alan Watts (audio) [suspect]

Overcoming Social Anxiety
-- The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by John P. Forsyth
-- Daily Meditations for Calming Your Anxious Mind by Jeffrey, M.D. Brantley, Wendy Millstine

SIRC Guide to Flirting/ Advanced Guide
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

Edge Foundation
http://www.edge.org/q2008/q08_index.html#alda

Website devoted to improving Social Skills [seems at least okay]
http://www.succeedsocially.com/index.html
http://www.metafilter.com/69152/Succeed-Socially

"Positivity BLog" [decent, okay]
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/01/17/dale-carnegies-top-10-tips-for-improving-your-social-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/11/15/how-to-improve-your-social-skills-8-tips-from-the-last-2500-years/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/04/10/17-inspirational-quotes-on-people-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/09/05/7-habits-of-highly-ineffective-people/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/04/02/16-things-i-wish-they-had-taught-me-in-school/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2009/03/26/my-favorite-productivity-tip/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/07/22/five-awesome-and-five-awful-conversation-topics/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/06/27/5-conversational-mistakes-that-can-make-you-look-dumb/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2006/11/05/do-you-make-these-10-mistakes-in-a-conversation/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/09/17/do-you-make-these-7-body-language-mistakes/

Steve Pavlina Website [middling, poor]
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/how-to-go-from-introvert-to-extrovert/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/risk-vs-reward-in-human-relationships/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/36993-how-do-you-socialize-when-you-really-don-t-want.html
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/37205-unspoken-rules-social-interaction.html

For Fun
http://www.image-pro.ca/
http://www.psow.com/
http://www.perfectlypolished.com/
http://www.redhatsociety.com/

Teaching Children Responsibility

Fairchild — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:04:17 -0800

Please help me nip another parental failing in the bud. I want help my children be more responsible. I have a couple lazy parenting practices that I'm not proud of. They aren't doing my kids any favors and I wish to correct them.

My first-grader and third-grader have never been expected to clean their bedroom. I want to begin making this a requirement. Should I first show them how it is done and then allow them to clean it on a certain schedule? I'm not sure I want to give a monetary reward for completing the room cleaning. I think taking away a privilege would be more effective. Is this a good idea? How do you go about it with your children? Or, if you are not a parent, what were your parents' expectations?

They do pick up their toys in other rooms and outdoors when told, but they must be told. We have no chore chart or expectations for daily or weekly chores. When the mood strikes, or if we are having guests, we will ask them to do something and they will do it. I usually clean their bedroom because it is allowed to become a huge disaster and at this point I prefer doing it on my own because I am frustrated by the mess. I will give them tasks such as putting the Legos in the bin but I'm not sure they know how to make a bed, or pick a room from start to finish. Or, maybe I just think they can't. What should I expect at this age?

Also, I wake them up every morning for school. Should they have an alarm clock? What kind of morning routine is best to instill responsibility? I set out their clothes and prompt them what to do next. They don't even have to think for themselves in the morning because mom and dad are giving orders every step of the way. This doesn't sound very good but they are not babied. They have other responsibilities and we don't tolerate whining or excuses, we just haven't made them clean up after themselves with any kind of regularity.

I never had regular "chores" as a kid. My mother cleaned my bedroom and woke me up for school. She probably dressed me until I was in the fifth-grade. I don't want to repeat this pattern and time is slipping by. I wish for them to be more responsible and self-directed.

I feel like I should know how to do this but I want advice on how to best go about it.

Thanks.

Help me put an end to emotional blackmail.

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 19:20:25 -0800

Help me put an end to emotional blackmail. For some background, I'm in college, I have a job, a few friends (though I don't see them often), and my relationship of one year. I have quite a bit going for me, and I want to enjoy it, I really do.

So, after reading this book on emotional blackmail, I've realized that my behavior in romantic relationships is unacceptable. Deep down, despite self-loathing, I don't think I'm a bad person, and though I don't make excuses for myself, I'm coming to understand why I feel the things I do.

There are many different types of emotional blackmail, and the kind I exhibit deals with me needing constant reassurance, approval, and attention. I'm super sensitive, and if I feel slighted, criticized, or ignored by my SO by even the most trivial things, I go into crazy panic mode, "Oh, he doesn't love me, he's going to leave me, he thinks I'm stupid, he thinks she's more attractive," and sulk and turn it into a big thing where he spends an hour saying the same things over and over, trying to reassure me. So far, he's been very patient and very loving, but I have a feeling that now his limits are being tested. I love him and I want him to be happy, and I know that I make him happy when I'm not taking my insecurities and fears out on him.

I have some pretty deep-rooted abandonment issues from my childhood, and I feel that what I need is a fundamental shift in thinking, a new way of looking at situations that I will be able to feel and not just rationalize intellectually. Intellectually, I understand that I am not being abandoned when my SO goes out with his friends or what have you. Intellectually, I understand that it is good that we develop as individuals so we can grow together and complement one another. Okay, got it...But, wait. Why does it still feel like abandonment?

I've noticed that my "triggers" always involve me feeling left out and ignored by things at which more well-adjusted people wouldn't bat an eyelash. So, what I would really appreciate is practical advice on what to do when I start feeling these things so that I can enjoy the time I spend with my SO, drama-free. Pieces of wisdom and information that can stick with me. I'm basically trying to convince my emotional mind what my intellectual mind already knows, but I need some help.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Six months redundant and black dog approaching fast. Survival advice sought.

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 17:32:10 -0800

Six months redundant and black dog approaching fast. Survival advice sought. I do not think that I am in a unique situation or a particularly desperate one but I am in a personally precarious position. Perhaps this question can help others too. I have worked in the insurance industry for the past 5 years and was made redundant in January of this year. Soon afterwards I discovered my wife was pregnant with our second child. I have been trying to put a brave face on for my family but as time has gone on, and I have had interview after interview and not made it through, my self-esteem and confidence has taken a battering. Progressively my motivation and outlook on life are deterioating fast. I know that I was competent for my previous employer and over the course of my employment made the company a lot of money. I am being as flexible as can be in terms of looking for jobs which may require relocation, also applied for jobs overseas. The weight of expectation on my shoulders is enormous and with each successive interview, I feel the gap in my CV looms ever bigger in the attention of the prospective employer. For people in similar situations, what gets you through the day right now?

How can I compare to a supermodel in training?

Anonymous — Thu, 07 May 2009 06:36:50 -0800

My friend is gorgeous like a supermodel. I am not. How do I stop feeling down on myself? I am starting to resent her due to my jealousy. I grew up in the same type of situation where my best friend was gorgeous and I am not. I always felt invisible when I was with her and overlooked. She was tall, thin, long hair, great features and I am short and not conventionally beautiful. It caused me great self-esteem issues through high school.

Fast forward now to my life as an adult. I've grown really close to an awesome girl and she is definitely someone I have a very close friendship with. We are in the same academic program and have similar backgrounds. She is an awesome, awesome friend and we get along superbly.

She is drop dead gorgeous, though. Tall and incredibly thin and always has on the nicest make-up and clothes. I feel incredibly inadequate when I am with her a lot of the times because I just don't look that good and nor do I have the energy most days to dress up like that. Our program isn't very glamorous either so I'm not abnormal in that sense but I feel once again invisible whenever I'm around her.

What can I do to help myself overcome this? I'm just a t-shirt and jeans type of gal. My husband loves me and I feel good about myself most of the time but when I'm with her I focus on my short-comings and think I need to change how I dress, do my make-up, watch what I eat, etc.

How can I stop caring what other people think or might think about me?

gb77 — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 13:57:49 -0800

How can I stop caring what other people think, or might think, about me? I'm sick of worrying about what other people (strangers and acquaintances alike) might think about me. It's exhausting.

Invariably, I end up asking myself, "Okay, if you're so sick of it, what don't you just quit doing it?" If only it were that easy.

I'm a good guy, make good decisions, am pretty successful in my chosen field, and I rarely mess up to the point where anyone would have any real reason to think less of me.

How do I start living in such a way that my own self-validation is all I need?

Thanks.

How to be comfortable?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 19:43:01 -0800

How do you learn to feel comfortable with yourself? (Anonymous because of family on Mefi.)

I'm never really comfortable. I always feel like an outsider, or that I'm doing something wrong... I can just never relax because of all this.

I have low self-esteem, it's true. I also just tend to assume I've screwed up somehow and work from there. It drives some of my friends batty, but it kinda works. It keeps things steady.

Part of all of this not trusting myself is that I assume that I have to keep myself restrained. Can't let myself go, or I'll start acting on all my other problems--start confusing sex with love, start acting out, start doing all these things. Like if I let myself go, my little box of a life will just crumble and everyone will see how fucked up I am. This, plus my natural introversion, results in a lot of automatic repression, which means a lot of things just... bubbling over suddenly. I've gotten better at not talking about my feelings too much, though... which is probably part and parcel with the problem of not feeling comfortable, but it keeps me from causing unnecessary problems for anyone else.

Oddly enough, all of this came to a head in a club. I couldn't make myself dance. I was tipsy, even,which helps, but I felt so horrifically uncomfortable... I just couldn't relax. I physically couldn't. I couldn't make myself feel comfortable. Friends and acquaintances were trying to get me up and dancing, but that only made me feel worse, like I was screwing up their night slightly just by being there.

It's not that I was stressed about work or anything... I have all the free time in the world and still feel like this.

One restriction: I have no money to spend on the favorite AskMe answers of improv classes, or therapy, so those don't really work as solutions.

I know this is all kind of vague, but it's the best description I can offer. Thanks in advance.

Practical strategies for learning how to accept yourself, failures and all?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 06:20:33 -0800

I realized recently that I’m ashamed of myself at a deep fundamental level. When I fail at something big or small, I beat myself up emotionally more than I should and feel ashamed. I realize that this is not emotionally healthy, but I’m not really sure what I can do to change the dynamic. An example of how this plays itself out in my life: sometimes at work I’ll procrastinate. When this happens, I feel awful. It’s not just that I’m frustrated by my lack of progress on the daily minutia that makes up my work life. I beat my self up for procrastinating and tell myself that I should be better than this, that by this point in my life someone like me should be beyond this type of issue. I worry that my incompetence in time-management is totally obvious to everyone around me. I have this deep-ceded fear of being caught, of people seeing me for who I really am. By the end of a non-productive afternoon, I’m twitchy, grumpy, and stressed out, and I feel ashamed of my performance at work. The emotional response is powerful and way out of proportion to what happened, and it makes me feel really anti-social, like I just want to curl up and hide from the world.

But in addition to the ups and downs of day-to-day life, there are also parts of myself that I’m deeply ashamed at a more general level. For instance, I’m overweight, the heaviest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and not athletic. Because of this, I feel unattractive, and ashamed of the way I look. I’m embarrassed when I look at myself in the mirror.

Then there’s my career path, or lack there of. While I have a job that’s been good to me at a prestigious Fortune 100 company, I don’t have a defined career path and I have no idea where I’m going. The biggest surprise about the post-college transition has been how much I’ve mourned losing the ability to legitimately claim the identity of “student”. In my new post-student status I’ve been unprepared for that fact that “what I do” largely defines who I am and in the 4 years since graduating I’ve failed to come up with an answer to the inevitable cocktail party question that I’m genuinely proud of. I cringe inside every time I have to give my answer about still “figuring out what I’m going to do” to a new acquaintance or colleague.

(Of course I know that I’m hardly alone in my predicament as far as careers go, and aware of the fact that many people who think they have this figured out at my age end up being proved wrong and changing careers down the line anyway. But at this point in my life I’d rather be wrong than indecisive, and the career decisions I’ve made since graduating have been reactive and haphazard. The point is I’m not proud at the manner in which I’ve handled my career planning over the past 4 years, and it feels like a significant failing to me.)

When I think about my various flaws and failings, my first thought for how to go about losing this sense of shame is that I should focus on improving myself. I tell myself that once I’ve fixed my problems I will no longer feel the shame I feel now. There’s a certain amount of logic to this thought process, but when I think about it I realize that a “problem-oriented” approach to my emotions is fundamentally flawed--I can’t wait until everything is fixed to accept myself, because I’ll never stop waiting.

So the question then becomes, if I don’t become more accepting of myself through self-improvement what, exactly, do I do? What steps can I take to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all, in an emotionally healthy way? And whatever it is that I should do, does it conflict with the self-improvement actions that I’m naturally inclined towards, given that by undertaking a self improvement process I’m implicitly stating that there’s something wrong with me?

There’s part of me that’s worried that if I were to accept myself the way I’m now, I’d stop changing, stop growing, and I’d have to (paradoxically) give up on my aspirations of being the person I want to be. I’ve tried to analyze people that I know who are happy and satisfied with themselves to see if I can gain any insights into this. They all have flaws after all, and they are still growing and improving themselves, but that does not prevent them from being satisfied with their current station in life. But they also have an almost Zen-like acceptance of who they are, where they are, and what they are doing that seems to be largely unaffected by external events. That’s a frustratingly difficult quality to try and emulate.

So, what should I do?

P.S.: Throwaway email, incase anyone wants to respond privately: learntoacceptmyself@gmail.com

How to accept love?

catherinem — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 12:02:51 -0800

How to accept love? I am female, 35 years old, and have now been for four weeks in a relationship that I have secretly been wishing for all my life. My problem is: how to accept my new partner's love, which I essentially do not feel worthy of?

There is no real reason for my feeling unworthy, it is simply my problem of self-esteem which I have also in other areas. I haven't reached an orgasm yet with my new partner, though he is a great lover and though this has never been a problem for me whatsoever. I tremble when playing some music for him (else no problem), and at times I feel so unworthy that I am just sad and can't get out of it, making our evening together very heavy. Right now he's really supportive, but obviously this can turn into a killer if not taken care of.

To round off the picture: I am currently in a situation where I have to hold things together to make them work - and this does not really seem to go together with totally letting go and casting myself into someone's arms without reserve. But maybe there are nevertheless possibilities to improve on my lack of trust (not least in my own worthiness) right now.

Therefore, what can I do to make myself feel worthy of this wonderful love, to accept it both physically and with my mind? All experiences, thoughts, and concrete advice are welcome. Many thanks!

I realize self-loathing isn't all that uncommon, but how far does it usually go?

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 17:02:23 -0800

What the heck is my problem? There's dysfunction, yes, and I suspect codependency too - I know I need to seek therapy and as soon as I'm done writing this question I'm going to set up an appointment. However, there's one other element that I've only recently become aware of, and it seems so sick and abnormal to me that I'm afraid of ever mentioning it even in therapy. Does thinking that other people SHOULD treat you horribly put you way off the chart in terms of what therapists are usually equipped to help with? My apologies for the length of this, I feel like a little context is needed to explain this because it seems so bizarre even to me. I'm going to describe a little bit about the dynamics of one specific friendship, but please realize I'm doing this because it was in the context of this friendship that I started noticing certain things about myself, and because I think it helps encapsulate a lot of what I'm talking about, not because I'm looking for advice about this friendship - beyond the fact that I'm VERY much short-changing it in terms of only describing negative elements here, I think my problems go far beyond any one friendship and I'm really looking for a little insight into what the heck might be the matter with me.

Anyway, I've got this friend who has issues of his own, lots of them, mostly of the 'low self-esteem' variety just like me. I think I've finally wised up to the fact that I can't be the one to convince them to seek therapy, can't be the one to help them, can't really even say much positive about them that they'll believe (although anything that could be taken negatively inevitably IS heard, believed, and amplified by a factor of ten) – and yet I can't stop feeling this deep, hideous inadequacy about that. I know it isn't fair (to me OR to them) to base my worth on whether or not I can be of any help to anybody I'm close to, but I can't seem to stop doing that and the fact that I don't think I am helping anybody just compounds the negative feelings I have about myself.

I know that this sort of thing, while unhealthy, is at least kind of common as far as dysfunction goes - but! Beyond this general inadequacy (and codependent behavior on my part?) there's also the problem that when we argue over something, the pattern is that I'll give in by the end, usually scrambling backwards madly to take back and apologize for something I've said, but only after I HAVE said something that makes them feel horrible and they've said things that make me feel horrible. While we do step back at that point and do apologize, this pattern seems to arise any time we fight. We're sorry, but we keep doing it. And even worse, I’m beginning to realize that part of me thinks this person - and people in general - SHOULDN'T apologize but rather should get even more outright angry at me ... and THIS is the element that seems just flat-out sick and unacceptable to me.

I think in some part I want to be treated in an ugly way, by this person and by others to whom I'm attached – it's almost sickly reassuring, like this warped confirmation of what I've known all along and that seems to elude most people. Sometimes I'm even unsettled by being apologized to, partly because the cessation of their negative acts means I have nothing more to be upset at them about, but even more so because part of me would rather that they went further in being harsh towards me than they had yet done. The friend I mentioned above is one of those people – some part of me wonders if our fights don't go the way they do so that we both get the chance to "prove" to ourselves what awful people we actually are ('How could I EVER have said that horrible thing to such an undeserving person??'), AND I wonder if I keep trying to help them in part because I know I can't, and thus will once again get proof of how useless a friend I am. And now it occurs to me that even as a kid some element of this was there, maybe even before things started getting particularly bad in my family (typical substance-abusing parent issues) and social life – for one small (but maybe telling? I don't even know anymore) example, I know I was always drawn to episodes of shows where the character I liked or identified with was ill-treated for whatever reason. Ick.

This all seems sick as hell to me and unlike so many other disorders I can't find a name I could research to at least get a sense of how common it is (masochism isn't quite it, at least, as I understand it – this isn't a sexual thing on my part), and that scares me: this weird feeling that people ought to treat me as if I'm despicable seems so alien and sick and wrong that I can't see myself admitting it even to a therapist. I guess this is what I'm really asking, then: I realize you aren't my therapist, but does anybody have any thoughts on what the hell this might be, and how common or unheard-of it is? Again, I AM going to seek therapy but I just think I'd feel more comfortable being honest if I knew that this isn't a completely abnormal, monstrous problem that's inevitably going to cause any therapist I work with to flinch away thinking I'm completely horrible and hopeless. Thanks in advance for any input you have; if you'd like to email me please do so at anonmefi08@gmail.com

How to screen a therapist?

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 17:40:49 -0800

FatFilter: Help a morbidly obese woman find a compatible psychologist or therapist. I'm a 30-year-old woman who has weighed upwards of 400 pounds since I was in high school. I have attempted and failed nearly every diet and "way of eating" that's come around, from the healthy to the just plain ridiculous.

I think I would benefit greatly from working with a psychologist to deal with some of the issues that cause me to overeat. The problem is that I would like to look at the obesity as a symptom of the psychological issues - depression, low self-esteem, and a touch of OCD - rather than those issues as a symptom of the obesity. I have tried to work with therapists in the past that focused on dieting and losing weight as a means to combat the depression and raise my self-esteem. However, dieting for me always plunges my self-esteem even lower - I can't love and appreciate the body I'm in while I'm trying to change it, and whenever I'd stop losing, I'd feel even worse about myself than when I started.

I really don't know how to properly screen a therapist to find one that will be helpful for me. What are some possible questions I can ask to try to find a good match? Can I do this over the phone, or do I have to schedule office visits with as many as it takes to find the right one?
Thanks for your help. Throwaway email: fatchickneedshelp@gmail.com

Help me figure out the next step with my dad.

Ash3000 — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:01:26 -0800

Have you ever explicitly told your dad, or any parent, that for your own emotional well-being you need time away from them? Have you ever wanted to? Is there any way to do this? Details inside. It was on a family roadtrip over the holiday that it's crystallized to me most clearly: I must minimize, for at least the immediate future, my father's presence in my life.

To give some context, I'm 23, six months out of college. My parents are in southern NJ, whereas I live and work in NYC. My dad pretty much systematically destroyed any sense of worth or self-esteem I may have had growing up. While he almost never laid a hand on me, the cruelty and pervasiveness of the ways in which he made me feel worthless, ugly, damaged and disgusting while growing up would require an essay to even scratch here; in addition, it's only been since leaving for college that I fully understood what a terrible role model he is and was, particularly in the way he talks to and treats his wife, my mom.

In the past few years, he's slowly reformed himself, seemingly realizing the extent to which he fucked up my childhood. For the most part, he's been much more gentle, less judgmental, etc. There are lapses now and then, but I forgive them.

Until this roadtrip. It's been such a merciless reminder of what it was like in my house growing up that I've been crying to sleep in the hotels the last week, listening to music I haven't listened to since I was 16, etc. I feel like a good chunk of the work I've done to not hate myself is melting away.

Bleh. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to talk to my dad (or maybe even my mom, who I sometimes hate for enabling him) on the phone, while I'm in NYC. I don't want to go to NJ to visit them. I don't know what to do. But at the same time, I want him to somehow realize (given that he seems oblivious) that he is really hurting me, that if I don't talk to him on the phone, there's a reason, it's not "fucking [my name] being [my name]." Part of me wishes I could scream at him about what an awful father he is, how much harder he made it for me to have normal relationships, etc., without there being family fallout. Part of me just wants to wake up with a new family. I don't know.

Anyone been in this situation?

How to feel a stronger sense of self-worth?

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 13:41:35 -0800

How can a person overcome general insecurity, improve their self-esteem, and bolster their sense of self worth? Objectively, I can recognize that other people seem to think I'm both relatively competent and relatively decent, and I generally coast along without consciously noticing any of what I'm about to describe. But lately, I've been noticing that I'm really susceptible to others' opinions of me. What I really want is for other people to reassure me I'm okay. Deep down, I actually feel somewhat desperate for approval and acceptance, but I don't really feel like I deserve it.

My relationship with my more judgmental friends is secretly about trying to do whatever it takes to be "good" in their eyes, and with friends who aren't judgmental, when I see myself through their eyes as an equal, I feel surprised, and relieved (and then occasionally I wonder if I'm just a pity case). Around people I don't know well, I feel like they will soon discover I'm not the kind of person they want to be friends with, that I'm bad -- nasty, petty, sleazy, bitchy, a slob. I keep wondering if they've figured it out already and are just politely tolerating me. When I screw up in little ways, it reinforces all my suspicions.

In general, both personally and professionally, I've started to notice I am constantly striving, constantly moving on to the next interest, and constantly interested in self-improvement in a way that has started to feel like just trying to outrun my own self. And I do feel like I'm constantly screwing things up (my papers at home are in total disarray which I regard as a personal failing, I get struck by guilt when I forget to call my friend who is going through a hard time, I feel constantly guilty about being behind schedule on a project) -- I feel really guilty, almost ashamed, about things like that.

Again, all this is balanced by the fact that I actually am somewhat successful professionally, and I do manage to be pretty good at being friendly with people, so I know I'm not a total failure at life or an immoral psychopath who should be shunned by all humanity. But over time this insecurity does probably undercut my relationships and professional progress, not to mention generally drain me, so I'd like to change.

What things do you do that have helped you come to feel secure in yourself? How have you come to believe that deep down, you are a good person? If you've overcome insecurity like this, what has helped you? I am in therapy and will work on it there, of course. But I've learned a lot from the insights, stories, and strategies people share on Metafilter, so I thought I'd ask.

I hate looking in the mirror

Alive N Kickin — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 23:05:14 -0800

How do I stop letting my self-image ruin my life? (Kind of long) I am a 31 year old woman and I have been single, or not in a LTR, for over 3 years, maybe longer... lost count. I guess my main problem is, I have very low self-esteem, and a possible distorted body image. See, ever since I was young I was criticized and ridiculed for the way that I look. Until I was about 16 or so, there was a certain part of my face that was oversized and that I blamed everything on. Well, I ended up getting plastic surgery on that part of my face at a pretty young age, I believe I was 17 years old. For a while I was extremely grateful and happy with the way that I looked. But then I overheard a guy that I liked telling his friend that he liked my body but that I had an ugly face. Well this was AFTER the surgery, and he did not know I was listening, and he did not even know that I had plastic surgery. When he found out I had heard him, he apologized and felt really bad, which made me feel even worse. If he had known I was listening, I could have just assumed that he wanted me to hear, to repel me or whatever. But since that was not the case, and he truly did feel bad about it, I was really scarred by these words. This was just one incident, a very hurtful one that I still remember very clearly, and I'm just giving you an idea of where I'm coming from. Since that time, I have struggled with my self-image, not only because of that particular situation, but because of all the cruel words before my surgery AND after my surgery. The surgery did make a huge difference, but I still feel ugly, and some hateful people I have had the pleasure of encountering have said I was ugly also. For example, I was at a party and there was a girl there who for some reason did not like me. I don't know what I did being that I never even talked to her, but she was a little drunk and just picked me as her target and started saying things to her little group of friends, loud enough for me to hear. Things like how ugly I was, etc. Then there was another girl who, to make a long story short, also attacked my looks, not even knowing how insecure I was, but somehow knew that would break me down.

I know I'm rambling, but I'm just trying to give a clear picture as I can here. I'm not that great at explaining things. Anyway, I'm confused because, there have also been many men who have been attracted to me, who tell me I'm cute, sexy, hot, etc...And sometimes I almost believe them. I have had boyfriends, and been in long-term relationships, so it's not that I haven't been able to attract the opposite sex. But in most of my relationships, I have had to chase the man, and I still blame my looks. I am far from a shallow person, but I am very obsessed with my looks because I still hold the belief that I am ugly, and this has gotten in the way of enjoying life. Here's where things start to get worse. I avoid mirrors. I will not look at myself directly in the mirror if I can help it. When I get ready to go out or go to work, I will only look at myself in the mirror I have set up in my room. I have certain lighting around this mirror so that I can handle looking at myself. In this mirror, I am ok with the way that I look, sometimes I even think I look good. But if I go in the bathroom or anywhere else there's a mirror, and I look at myself, I get really depressed and don't even want to go out and subject other people to what i see. If I do look at myself in "other" mirrors, I will only look at my profile, and not straight at the mirror. If I do look, I see ugly ugly ugly. I see dark circles, puffy bloodshot eyes, crooked big nose, ugly twisted mouth, dead skin, just horrible. It's the same exact thing with pictures, I absolutely hate pictures of myself, and most of the time they make me sick to my stomach. So I avoid them. Which makes internet dating extremely tough because I only have about 2 pictures I'm ok with. Which is why I don't internet date.

I guess the main problem here is that I wonder if I am fooling myself into thinking I might be attractive. I'm a strong believer in how you feel about yourself is how other people will see you, and so I wonder if the times when others have found me attractive, it was because I felt attractive in A Certain Mirror. But how do I know? Why have I been single for so long? Why do most guys I meet only want a sexual relationship and nothing more? How can I stop blaming my looks? How can I get past my looks? How can I accept myself, even though I don't even know who I am or what I really look like, being that if I do force myself to look in the mirror, I plummet into depression that lasts far too long? I guess part of the reason I stopped looking at myself was so I could just SURvive. How do I know if what I'm seeing is a truly distorted image in my mind, like Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Like I said, men are attracted to me, but I don't know what they are attracted to. When a man does pursue me, I can't help but wonder in the back of my mind...what's wrong with him? I rarely give anyone who pursues me a chance, I get really scared and think there must be something wrong with him, mainly because I'm confused.

Obviously, there are alot more issues at hand, and I don't expect any kind of answer here. Just maybe some insight. I just recently started therapy again. I had been in therapy in the past, but never really brought this up because it's so hard for me to talk about, since I'm afraid the therapist is going to tell me something nice while secretly thinking I am ugly and no therapy can make that go away. But I can't live like this anymore, and I guess posting this on here is a start. Obviously I need to talk to my therapist about it, but any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!

Giving/Gaining Turst

meta.mark — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 01:25:51 -0800

How do you gain trust from someone who's been emotionally scarred. My girlfriend and I were recently talking about her opening up to me and since she never really did open up I asked her why. She told me that at the beginning of high school her sister said something along the lines of "now that we're out of the house I don't have to pretend like I care about you anymore." This left her not trusting anyone after. For her, a person that she's has to trust a person and know that they care for her in order for her to open up. She already knows I care for her and we've already clarified that and she said she wants to trust me but doesn't know how. I can understand why its hard to trust a guy who she's only known for less than a year when she cant even trust someone she's supposed to be emotionally close with. If I could get her to trust me fully it would improve our relationship forever. Any advice on how to help her put more trust in me?

A short story dealing with the serch for self-esteem set in the American West, in the XXth Century?

kandinski — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 04:34:40 -0800

Help me find a story, maybe by Raymond Chandler, of a man trained into courage and self-respect by a woman who makes him wear a dog collar. I read this story growing up and was pretty impressed. I am pretty sure it was Raymond Chandler, although it could have been Hammet.

The story is set in the American West at the start of the XXth century (they already have motorcars) and it is a pretty lawless town. A man who has no self-esteem nor courage asks a brave, independent woman called Bertha to teach him how to be brave. The woman raises dogs, so she makes him wear a dog collar. There is a showdown, and the man proves himself.

I've given my friend all the benefits. Now I feel poor. How do I fix this?

Anonymous — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 18:58:27 -0800

It started out as dating and turned into "friends with benefits." How do I regain my self-respect after all of this? Apologize in advance... I began seeing "Rick" just before Christmas last year, after he answered a personal ad I had posted online. After the first date, I thought, "Eh..I like him..funny, not really attracted to him." I suggested we hang out initially as friends and he agreed. That very quickly turned to attraction and the whole "let's hang out as friends" thing went by the wayside.

In the beginning, things were nice. We went out to eat, drinks, movies, had a wonderful time talking.

After a month, I noticed that we were still seeing each other only once a week with maybe one or two phone calls during the week. Although I liked him a lot, I got up enough backbone to say to him, "I'd like more and if you don't, let's stop seeing one another.

He said that he felt that things were going well but that one month was not much time and perhaps we should just keep dating until we were both sure about things. I agreed and we kept seeing one another, now with sex involved.

This kept up for a few more months until I again became frustrated with the lack of escalation in the relationship. He finally admitted that the previous year, he had been engaged and that his fiancee had broken off the engagement and the relationship, leaving him, well, broken. He offered only that the relationship had been long-distance and that was the reason, mostly, for its demise.
He claimed that he was enjoying spending time with me but couldn't offer much more than what he was...a weekly date, dinner, phone call here and there.

Again, I was understanding. I didn't feel disrespected or anything but I did feel very frustrated. We continued to go back and forth with me demanding more and him never relenting and me...relenting and most times, I just dropped the subject.

He would work all the time, seven days a week...taking on additional jobs if he could. It seemed to me that he was simply trying to avoid healing. That was, at least, my take.

This summer, he left for an extended trip overseas. Two months in a very remote part of the world. I got one email from him during that time.
He's recently returned and we saw one another but it's clear, it will be more of the same. After this summer, I vowed to get this man out of my life. I dated someone else (which turned out horribly) and quite frankly, my self-esteem is pretty much in the toilet now.

Honestly, I can't even say for sure that I want to be in a long-term relationship with him because he hasn't shown me enough of himself for me to make that determination, even after all these months. But I would like to at least explore it.

When we saw one another yesterday, there was no talk at all about where this is going, if anywhere.

If this were another woman telling me this story, I'd say, "move on, kid' but I can't seem to do that! While he was gone, I said, "that's it. I'm done." Yet, I couldn't do it. Despite all the "He's just not that into you" signs, some obviously demented part of me says "but I do think he feels something other than lust for you." We talk for hours when together, share music, plans (just not with one another), etc.

Now, I'm feeling really horrible. I have struggled all my life with esteem issues but even at my lowest, I know that I am a smart, funny and damn sexy woman.

So my questions:
How do I get out of this? Should I send him an email and just say, "Sorry. Can't do this anymore?"

How do I go about rebuilding my self-esteem after months of this?

Help with lack of romantic experience?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 May 2007 07:03:33 -0800

Help me get past my staggering lack of romantic experience. I'm a thirty-one year old heterosexual woman, reasonably successful, reasonably intelligent, reasonably fashionable, and, by most accounts, reasonably attractive. I'd never be mistaken for a supermodel, but I have a decent body and a pretty face. I run distances, eat well, and take care of myself. I'm quite social, have lots of friends, male and female, and can put on a good show of confidence, even when I lack it completely.

That said: I haven't had a date in three years. I haven't had a boyfriend, well, ever, unless you count the high school friend who made out with me for a couple weeks senior year and then came out of the closet the week before prom. Distressingly, I'm still a virgin, which is (trust me when I say this) incredibly weird at this point. It's not deliberate (I'm not religious, nor have I ever been). Nor is it for lack of trying. It's just that I'm rarely approached (last time was at least a year ago) and the guy who approached me was at least thirty years my senior.

These days, socially and professionally, I’m often the lone girl in the boy’s club. And the boys tell me I’m cool and smart and fabulous and cute. I have no trouble earning their respect. But I’m never the girl they want to date. And it doesn’t seem to matter how many pairs of high heels I wear and tubes of lipstick I buy, they still seem to have a hard time remembering that I’m a woman (I actually hear this a lot).

My mother and my female friends believe that my problem is that I’m not vulnerable enough, that I’m more inclined to debate and tease than I am to coo and titter. But it seems to me that thirty-one years old is a perfectly absurd time to start pretending to be a blushing schoolgirl, when it’s clearly evident to everyone around me (a lot of whom, at this point, know exactly who I am) that I’m not.

I suspect, at base, this is a self-confidence issue. I'm an old hat at unrequited love, a shameless romantic, having spent much of my life during and since puberty, pining after boys who never pined after me (though a few were my close friends). I’ve been rejected often. Sometimes humiliatingly so. Factor in some bullshit baggage left over from my attractive, talented, and hypercritical family members and you sort of end up with me trying desperately to figure out which way is up, and what the hell I’m doing so wrong.

This is a godawful, mewling mess of a question, but I guess I’m just looking for ideas, advice, anything. What does one do? How do you convince someone that you’re desirable? That you might be worthy of their romantic attention, a little affection, a little seduction, a little sex? Or maybe even, because I sort of never got it the first time around, the grown-up equivalent of a mixtape, a goodnight kiss, and reasonable odds that he’ll call the next day?

feeling better about myself - how?

different — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 14:04:22 -0800

I have an unrequited crush and need to get over it and stop obsessing. But how? The long and the short of it is, I have been crushing on someone from afar for a long time. We hardly knew each other, but once we started talking, I just came straight out and asked him what he thought of me. Predictably enough, he said that he likes hanging out with me, but I'm not his type and he just can't see anything happening.

So, fine.

What I'm struggling with is that he took pains to tell me that I was attractive but that he just couldn't see us being a fit in other ways. Ironically, perhaps unlike a lot of women, I'm very confident about my looks: It's my personality that I struggle with. And because I made a move after only a few times spent hanging out with him, we don't know each other well. So I'm freaking out that he knows so instantly that he's not interested in my personality! I've had therapy and know all the tricks that I need to apply for a longer-term improvement - but how can I cheer myself up in the short-term? I feel desolate, and foolish of course. Life eh?

Help me stop thinking I'm evil.

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 05:04:24 -0800

Will I ever be able to stop thinking that I am evil? My father sexually abused me when I was a little girl, and I believe that I caused it because I am evil and deserve to have bad things happen to me.

Currently I'm in my 30s and have a pretty good life. I have been in a great relationship for over 5 years, I am successful in a job that I enjoy, I have great friends and a great therapist. My relationship with my family is distant but OK; by my choice, I have not had contact with my father in over 10 years. I'm proud of the life that I have built, and I even hesitate to post this question because I keep thinking my problem is not that bad.

Deep down, though, I still feel like I am deeply, fundamentally evil and that I will contaminate and destroy anything I contact. This causes me all kinds of problems. For example, it is very hard for me to believe that my partner truly loves me, because I'm convinced I am unlovable. I have a lot of trouble asking for help with anything, because why would anyone ever want to help me? (I may be the only woman in the world who refuses to ask for directions.) I have a low-level background conviction that I'm a fraud, just getting by pretending to be a good person, and someday I'll be found out and exposed for the monster that I am.

Therapy has helped me understand the reason for this: if the abuse was my fault, then I can hold on to the idea that my father loved me - he "had" to abuse me, because I'm so evil - and therefore I'm spared the full pain of what he did.

OK, I understand this intellectually, but I still want to stop feeling this way because it is a pain in the ass. Yes, I'll continue in therapy, but what else could help?

Help me find a self-help book for my unconfident friend!

BuddhaInABucket — Sun, 12 Mar 2006 10:34:09 -0800

I have a chronically un-confident friend. I would like to find him a self-help book to teach him how to have more self-esteem. The issues stem from anxiety about his looks (he's very attractive but thinks that everyone is just patronizing him when they tell him so), his sexuality (he's never come to terms with being gay), and probably whatever issues are associated with having an identical twin (one that he thinks is better looking and cooler than him, although that's not the case). He's 21 years old and he's agreed to read whatever I send him.