Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with self and esteem

Reeking of the Desperation Cologne

camylanded — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 22:03:33 -0800

I’ve been researching a lot, and have read time and time again, that during interviews, you’re also interviewing the employer to see if you’re a “good fit” together and that you should never seem desperate for a job, but rather, you should pretend money is no object and you’re only there because you think it would be fun, etc. The question is—how do you do this when you are in fact desperate for money and you need a job ASAP? (long-winded details behind cut) Forgive me, and let me know if this needs clarification. It's something I've been mulling over in my brain the past couple weeks.

I’m a bit confused on the “employment game”—I’ve been researching a lot, and have read time and time again, that during interviews, you’re also interviewing the employer to see if you’re a “good fit” together and that you should never seem desperate for a job, but rather, you should pretend money is no object and you’re only there because you think it would be fun, etc. The question is—how do you do this when you are in fact desperate for money and you need a job ASAP?

I’ve been on 6 interviews in the past 6 weeks. I’d say that’s pretty good, right? I’ve practiced a lot, and even have good questions for them during the interview process and proper etiquette once the interview is over (a phone call, the thank you letter/e-mail). I have great experience, especially ones relating to customer service and technical support. One of these interviews turned into a temporary week-long position as technical customer support for an online college—which was great. I was told, however, that it could evolve into a more permanent position and that every employee went through this kind of ‘test’ to see how well they’d do. Only I spoke to other employees… and they never went through this kind of ‘test’ as I was told. While I’m not entirely certain, I do not expect this employer to offer me a permanent position, and they’ve never even hinted that it’s a remote possibility except for on the phone right before asking me if I accepted the temporary position.

So now, for me, it’s back to the job search game… only it’s really starting to wear on not only me, but my ability to handle rejection and also my self esteem. How do you get over something like this? How do you prove to an employer that you really want the job without seeming desperate? I know I'm employable. I know I have great experience and my references say nothing but good things about me. I'm very bright and adaptable and have a near perfect GPA in college. I know, it's the economy, the lack of jobs, etc. But I really feel I have a leg up on a lot of other candidates. I may lose my apartment thanks to lack of employment and really have nowhere to turn at this point. I need a job. Something more permanent. ASAP. What do I do?

Techniques for developing a better sense/continuity of self?

tzb — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 05:39:28 -0800

Techniques for developing a better sense/continuity of self? Starting to think I may have a problem with my sense of who I am.

I pinball between interests, hobbies, beliefs and outlooks on at most a weekly basis. I start things I don't finish, make commitments I don't keep. I'm halfway through 10 books or so. None of this is an insurmountable problem in itself, although it's annoying. More worrying is this deep-seated sense that I don't know who's there, beneath this constant flux of interests I try on and discard like costumes. Does everyone have this? Presumably to an extent, but is there anything proactive you can do about it?

My self-esteem is pretty damn low because all I know about myself is that I start things I don't finish. I'm a lousy friend and I struggle to maintain contact with people. Memory's an issue too, it's bad in an everyday sense of being forgetful, but I draw a total blank about whole years and periods of my life. I can't imagine this is an issue of repression, my life's pretty good, no major issues (some depression as a teenager which occasionally returns as a "black day" now and then). Again, this smashes any idea of continuity of self, the feeling that these are all steps on one journey. I can't feel proud of things I barely remember doing, even if I know I achieved them. It's hard to truly regret stuff I've only got second-hand reports of doing.

"The past is another country" and all that... but my past seems like another person, and whilst some major lifestyle, social and geographical changes are probably factors, even the person I was this time last year (same house, job, relationship) seems like a stranger. Sometimes I'll get snatches of my old lives and it will send me ricocheting off in that direction again looking for some kind of link to tie things together, but nothing sticks, nothing fits, every week it's another new costume to try on.

Help! Anyone been here? What worked for you? A friend suggested meditation was a good way to go, and if so how can I stop my "monkey mind" from sabotaging yet another new path?

Do people marry someone similar?

EatMyHat — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 11:41:57 -0800

My friend has heard that people marry those who are similar to themselves (in looks, age, social class, education etc). He worries this will rule out all the "good" women. Help me advise him how marriages really work. Despite being good looking and smart my friend has not had an easy life (health problems and family issues) and claims that any woman who is "any good" would not want him, and a woman like him would be "too much trouble". Clearly he has self esteem issues, but I worry he is getting the wrong idea about marriage because of this idea that people marry those who are similar.

Can you tell me:
Did you marry someone similar or quite different to you in age, looks, social class, education or other major characteristics? How did your marriage work out?
What advice can I give to my friend, (apart from "fix your self esteem so that 'someone like you' is not such a bad concept"?)

How can I develop a more stable, internally based sense of self-worth? Or how to stop feeling insecure?

jumelle — Wed, 23 May 2012 11:18:37 -0800

How can I develop a more stable, internally based sense of self-worth? Or how to stop feeling insecure? I generally feel pretty good about myself, but that feeling is highly linked to my ability to perform well at school or at work. When I'm doing well at these tasks, I feel like I'm on the top of the world. It becomes very easy to function in work, hobbies and in social situations.

If something happens to me to suggest that I'm doing poorly, for some reason, I basically go comatose. I spent 3 days crying in bed after getting a poor review on one of my projects. I feel like I care too much.

I've been doing some research on how to build self-esteem, and I'm having a hard time finding anything that's applicable to me. I don't believe that I'm inherently better or worse than any other person, but I do believe that my "intrinsic value is a human being" is fundamentally worthless if I can't perform well, and stake a secure place for myself in the world. I feel like I have a difficult time conceptualizing or even understanding the idea of people being valuable just because they are human, since to the best of my knowledge and based on my past experiences, being human by itself has never guaranteed anyone anything. It doesn't matter how human you are- if you don't have the money to maintain yourself, or the talent, connections or skills necessary to acquire the money to maintain yourself, then your humanity essentially stops mattering to all other humans. So every time I mess up, I feel like I'm moments away from living in a ditch on the side of a road forever.

If for a few moments I wind up being able to convince myself that it's okay to make mistakes, it's not because I've really let go of the idea of achieving worth through accomplishment, it's because that I know that making mistakes will allow me to improve my skills, thus increasing my opportunity to achieve worth through accomplishment.

What steps can I take to stop feeling like I'm going to destroy myself if I can't keep up a good face? How do people think they're valuable just because they exist?

Need a catchy phrase

Jandasmo — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 08:12:57 -0800

I'm offering an adult self esteem improvement group in my community. Need ideas for a great title, that would spark some interest while marketing it. Any ideas?

Help me be nicer to myself.

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 19:56:35 -0800

How can I be more confident, truly accept compliments, and stop obsessing about my appearance? Ever since I was a little kid, people (strangers, friends, parents' friends) have been telling me I'm attractive, and sometimes go out of their way to tell me, but I have a hard time believing it. When I look in the mirror I see someone who is...not ugly..but nowhere near as attractive as people make me seem from what they say/how they act. Anytime someone compliments me on my looks I'm so pleased/grateful but then a little voice in my head says "They're just saying that because they're your friend/family so they have to" or "He probably hits on everyone so he doesn't mean it" or "He's just saying that to sleep with me" or I just think they're exaggerating. I have a hard time accepting they truly mean what they say.

Because of this insecurity (and maybe because people are always commenting on my looks so I know it's something they notice) it's become a bit obsessive how much care I take into my appearance. I don't want to leave the house without looking "perfect." I almost feel like I'm disappointing people if I look bad. If I think my face looks bloated that day or I have some acne I won't want to go out because I'll think people will be focusing on my imperfections and be grossed out.

Possibly relevant information- I'm 21, Asian American, female, average weight, college student, and have casually dated guys but never had a boyfriend.

I'm really sick of beating myself up all the time. How can I get rid of these nasty thoughts and start loving myself?

Note: I'm looking for options other than therapy as I am moving to a non-English speaking country for a year at the end of this month. Thanks so much in advance MetaFites. I hope I don't come off as cocky or fishing for compliments, because that is not my intention at all.

Has Your Therapist Fallen Asleep during your session?

ChicagoTherapyConnection — Mon, 24 May 2010 11:24:33 -0800

Has your therapist fallen asleep during your therapy session? I have had a few clients recently that told me their previous therapists would start to nod off during sessions. I had a hard time believing this until others started telling me identical stories. Similarly, I've had patients encourage me to go ahead and answer the phone during their sessions. "My old therapist would answer her calls all the time," they'd say. This seems to incredibly rude and unresponsive that it continues to be hard for me to believe. Has this happened to you?

How can I reframe oral sex in my mind so that I don't think of it as an awful experience? Should I even try?

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 13:32:54 -0800

I dislike oral sex. My partner likes oral sex. We're both in our early thirties. I'm female in a relationship with a man. I dislike oral sex (both giving and receiving) for the following reasons:

-It grosses me out a bit. I have suggested possibly trying with a condom and he has rejected that idea -It doesn't feel intimate to me. I like having our torsos close together. I feel like I'm just performing a service or he's just performing a service on me. I like sex to be mutually enjoyable. I enjoy the psychology aspects of sex much more than the physical. I feel lonely having my partner so far away from me during oral sex.

The reasons above make me not want to have oral sex. I've told my partner the reasons I don't want to have oral sex and he keeps mentioning that he can't imagine going the rest of his life without it and that he sees it as intimate and wants to engage in the act with me. He brings it up frequently and every time he does I just want to crawl in a hole. I don't feel like my feelings are being respected. This further turns me off to the idea of having oral sex.

I feel like having oral sex would mean that I am giving up a piece of my self respect. It further makes me feel like my partner doesn't respect my feelings and I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't respect my feelings.

When he says he can't imagine never having oral sex again, it makes me think he's going to leave me because of my refusal to have oral sex. Then, I feel like I am unloved because if he would dump me because I don't want to have oral sex, then he can't really love me.

I have been working on this issue with my psychologist, but I haven't been able to make headway. I'm stuck in the same pattern of thoughts. I am interested in changing my thoughts to believing that oral sex is loving. I don't think I will ever really enjoy it, but if I didn't feel so unloved when we discussed it, I might be able to do it to make him feel happy and loved.

My question is, how can I reframe my thoughts? Should I even reframe them? Will it harm my self esteem to reframe them?

I love this man, but I feel lots of anxiety thinking about oral sex and it makes me very sad that we can't come to an understanding. One final note, he would not be interested in going outside the relationship for oral sex. He doesn't want to have any type of sex with someone he doesn't love.

Too afraid to look

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 16:02:03 -0800

Is there a word for a condition in which a person is so afraid of success or failure that she does things like 1) Not check phone messages, 2) doesn't open mail, e-mail, etc.? This is me. For the umpteenth time I've missed an opportunity because I was too afraid to open an e-mail. I was taking a class last semester (paid for by my job) and thought I got a D or worse, which meant not being able to move forward in my particular program. When I got an e-mail from someone from the school, I just "knew" it was bad news, so I didn't open it..or the following e-mail. A month later I decide to open it and it turns out I didn't fail the class and I should have been reporting to the new classes for this semester. Now it's too late...and now I'm back to square one, where I’ve found myself way too many times-- left behind, stagnant, afraid to move even though I hate where I am. You'd think that as much as I've complained and cried over the years about my life being unfair, I would have rectified this and made things so much easier. But alas, this madness continues.

There is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is. My gut tells me it is a severe fear of rejection on all levels. This has played itself out on so many levels. It's cost me closeness in friendships, job leads, you name it.

I know the consensus will be "get thee to the therapist" and maybe I will. But I just wonder if you have any ideas on what is wrong with me and how I can resolve this defeating habit once and for all so that I may have some kind of resemblance of a satisfying life.

Thanks in advance.

How to deal with this?

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 11:54:11 -0800

Is it possible to even hope that someone would not be repulsed? I used to be THAT girl. Yeah, the fat girl that got smashed and slept around with whoever would give her attention. I had no self esteem whatsoever and I acknowledge that I have a problem with alcohol.I feel like if I ever did meet anyone that I would love, they would be disgusted by my past. I am still disgusted by it and tend to avoid people and just stay to myself most of the time. I know I need to forgive myself and move on but HOW? I think I have ruined any chance of trusting anyone(believing they would really love me) and that I have perhaps ruined my ability to love anyone. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? How did you deal with it? I feel so alone.

Holding myself back because of body anxiety

rachaelfaith — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 22:47:39 -0800

How do I ease my anxiety over meeting a dude I'm really into? Body image issues tagging along, too. Long story short, I met a guy online and we're terribly interested in each other. He has decided to make a journey out my way- a considerable trip by plane. I am incredibly nervous about his impending arrival, though it's a month away.

This is nothing new. Even meeting men for dates in the past has caused very high anxiety, peaking just before scheduled date time, and I've cancelled many times out of sheer panic. This mostly boils down to my lack of self esteem. I am quite critical of my body and I am convinced that upon seeing me, he'll change his mind and become less interested- he'll have made a huge decision in coming to see me and I'll let him down with my appearance.

Anxiety is not a stranger in my world, as evidenced in my past AskMe posts, but this is relatively new: 1. How do I not be on edge, constantly nervous, for a month? Ever since he booked the tickets I have been anxious. 2. How do I convince myself he won't dislike my appearance the way that I do?

I like him a great deal. I do really want to meet him and see what happens. He does enjoy my photos quite a bit, and tells me so- I just can't convince myself that I can make it to his arrival date in a super-positive state of mind.

Perspectives from former old maids?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:34:42 -0800

I'm officially one of the last ones standing. I'm almost 30 and I'm not married. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. Have you ever been last or close to last? How did you deal with the horrible feelings of inadequacy that accompany that? There's a saying I've heard a lot over the years, esp in Self-Improvement mediums: "Why fear the worst, it never happens anyway?" I never really understood that saying because in my life l've been like Job--that which I fear the most often comes upon me." Hence, I find myself now facing 30 and I'm unmarried. That's been my worst fear since I can remember. No matter how hard I tried to not let that be a reality (like I'm in a 3-year relationship with someone I'm not in love with, but who seemed to be into me enough to want to marry me early on but who hasn't proposed so I guess I was wrong), it has.

To make a long story short, in a matter of about 2 years, practically all of my peers, family and acquanitances included, have gotten hitched. Some in formal weddings, some at the Justice of the Peace. For some reason, it seems like they calculated right. They 1) got with a guy who was ready to be married, 2) acted in a way that made them appealing for marriage, and 3) by luck or whatever, got to get hitched before the big 30. So I am virtually alone now in this awkward life stage--not where I want to be and knowing no way whatsoever to get out. I'm officially "that girl," the last one standing, the one approaching old maid territory and it sucks azz. Big time.

Have you ever been last? How did you cope? How did you deal with the self-pity and the pity from others? How did you manage enough energy or faith or whatever to try again, even after you've basically lost the race, you've missed one of your biggest goals.? HOW DO YOU KEEP GOING???

I realize there have been other questions like this, but the last one I read, I don't think the commenters were really empathetic to the poster and the answers were thus skewed. I'm looking not for mean, hard-liner responses, but some real, solid stories of "I feel you, here's how I mentally/emotionally/etc. worked through it." I really need this. Thanks in advance for any help whatsoever.

I was told, "Let other people bless you." How?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:54:24 -0800

"Why do you do that? Stop it. Let other people bless you. You're always supporting others, why don't you let others show support for you?" This is what a co-worker said to me today when scolding me about my not wanting to have a promotion luncheon and moving to another area. This has happened like three times in as many years. After many excuses, I finally conceded to her "I don't know." I've known for a long time that this is a major problem for me. I have a severe mistrust of people. I never expect them to give back what I've given. I've been disappointed many, many times, but honestly, I don't know if I can say even that warrants my mistrust. Over the past few years, I've done things like turn off my phone after I call someone and leave a message, so as not to know if they called back or not, (to avoid disappointment), which would inevitably lead to their saying in our next conversation, "I called you, but you never answer." Still though, I continue my self-destructive ways.

I remember one of the only times I've ever thrown anything for myself, a few years ago for my 25th birthday (I'm 29 now), and in my eyes it was a disaster. No one except a couple reliable friends came, everyone else had an excuse. Even a "close" friend (our b-days are days apart) who I was hosting the party with backed out at the last minute. I was devastated. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt devastated, like, "God, here I am, I made the effort, and it blew up in my face." So of course, I haven't thrown anything since, just attended other people's gatherings. I never get my moment in the sun because I'm afraid people either 1) don't know me enough to attend or 2) don't care enough, both which would hurt like hell. I don't think I can take another 25th b-day party, I just don't. So I never even try.

But it makes me sad. I don't know if I'll ever get married, but over the years, the only thing I've obsessed over when thinking about that day is, "would anyone come? Could I handle being the center of attention like that?" Those thoughts scare the begeezus out of me, truly. But I worry now because this was semi-okay when I was younger, but now it's not a phase, it's become a way of life, and it makes me feel like my life is passing me by. Yet I don't know how to trust others enough to include them in my life in a healthy, normal way. I don't know what to do. Can anyone either 1) tell me what's wrong with me or 2) tell me how to fix it?

P.S. I went to therapy a few years ago (after the 25th b-day debacle, surprise, surprise) for about a year and I found it helpful, but I don't know if that's what I need anymore. I don't know what I need to get past this, I really don't.

How can I get over this certain kind of "friends" anxiety?

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 08:04:36 -0800

How can I get over this certain kind of "friends" anxiety? I think I have a sort of "loser anxiety syndrome".. for a lack of better terms..

I'm just going to describe it like I feel it.. it's that feeling that I need my phone to ring, or to have some kind of evidence--pictures, but best would be having another person in the picture. Like if a coworker comes over and we're just hanging out, on the inside I'm so desperately hoping my phone rings, even if it's a wrong number or something.

This happens after some time has passed though. Maybe, say the 3rd or 4th time we hang out. The first few times I don't care. It's after I see them enough times or there's some nonverbal sense of us heading to be friends. I guess my anxiety comes from the thought "I don't want this person knowing they're my ONLY friend".

I want them to have some external proof that they're not.. be it people calling me, or hearing me talk about other people.. as in "yesterday me and mike .. or yeah I have this friend, she .." whatever.. but I also can't lie.. I can't do white lies anymore cause I guess I've done that so much, I feel I need to just be "real" about it, but I can't. The loser factor is too much there. Maybe it is the type of people I'm choosing to be friends with too. Not flaky judgmental people, I mean they're good in that way, but they really have vibrant social lives, and maybe can't understand a person like me. These are the people with 128 friends on myspace, and new comments everyday. I'm the one with just Tom and no picture.

I can't seem to choose people I know will be more tolerant of it. I think I really am more like a social person, that's why. I can't hang with other loners, cause it seems they either choose it or it's some force beyond themselves.. while for me I think I don't chose it and people accept me but I just have really weird issues in my head.

Either way, I must of gone through hundreds of potential "friends" because I give up after it reaches that point.

CLEAR SKIN CALLED, it said screw you

madmamasmith — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 03:07:10 -0800

well. i have searched and searched and there is alot out there , but i am looking for something specific. this question is about BLACKHEADS. I have had blackheads since i was a teen, when i was 20 i started getting zits too. Here I am 26 and my skin is the worst it has ever been.i have blackheads on every inch of my face and my face and scalp feel like an oil factory. I am a vegetarian, i dont eat crappy but i dont eat buckwheat cakes and organic chard everyday either maybe once a month i get drunk and maybe once a week have a soda, i do drink a couple coffees a week and my diet consists of alot of texmex but alot of organnic veggies too, i dont take vitamins cuz im really poor right now but in the past i have tried evening primrose, multivitamin, iron,birth control pills,,,i have used every face wash known to man as well as retina and other topicals, and now after 10 years of no noticeable difference i just use oatmeal soap and witchhazel. i was using jojoba cuz i heard that would help but it didnt but neither does lotion. basically i am freaking out, what do i do? i have the most sensitive skin so i scar really easy. i am too oily. i do everything u r supposed to ; drink water, change pillowcases, hot showers, all natural skincare,,,,help me please. I cant afford facials evryday but i did use to get microderms once a month to no avail as well as chemical peels that actually scarred me really bad. are there any remedies that anyone can suggest that have worked for you? home remedies, pills, liver cleanses? im so desperate, i hate looking in the mirror, dont lecture me.....just tell me if anything has worked for you

Whats the deal with fake teeth?

beautifulcheese — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:31:57 -0800

What are dentures like? What effects do they have on your day to day living? I'm talking full ones here, top and bottom. Due to crap genetics, constant dry mouth, various medications, and addiction to diet pepsi and piss poor hygenie for 7 years or so its been advised I get full dentures. (I have a mass of broken teeth down to the root and hundreds of cavities I'm sure and am in constant pain.) Well not advised, the other option was $14,000 dollars to fix what is left and then constant upkeep to the few that would remain. I chose the provincial paid full dentures even though it destroys any ego I have left at 32.

I'm getting all the teeth pulled at once and then the dentures put in the same day. Immediates they are called. I assume this will be quite painful but I wasn't up to 8 weeks of healing with no teeth. Any experiences with the pain and or drugs they will give me to get through this?

How long does it take to get used to talk with them? I'm foolish and don't want to miss therapy as this is a significant time of year for me that I need support but do not want to be drooling and embrassing and slurring my words for weeks.

Eating? I assume soft foods and getting used to chewing and cutting small bites. Will I ever be able to take a bite out of something like a hamburger? I had a partial and I could barely bite through with an onion.

The Bottom Denture? This concerns me the most. I keep hearing how it is the tougher one as it has no suction to keep in it but that maybe I have "stuff" in there since I'm young that will help anchor it more. Will I constantly be aware of it and wondering if it is going to fly out of my mouth?

Do you sleep with them in? And what about tooth grinding? I used to wake up with chips of my teeth out because of jaw clenching. Will this be a concern?

Basically how long is it going to take to get used to these things as I never ever got used to my upper partial and took it off immediately when I wasn't in public. Ideally I'd like to be able to have teeth throughout the day. I'm sure I'll get more information from the dentist on the extraction date but that's a long way away.

Bonus points if if you are outside the typical "denture wearer age" and have experience how how it factors into your self esteem. or actually if you ever managed to have sex again after being forced to get them.

How do I feel better again?

isoman2kx — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:26:21 -0800

How do I feel better again? I don't. I don't know what to do anymore? As I type this I don't know whether to just start crying or to start shouting in frustration.

I just got done with a date, where I said probably -45 words despite the fact that I'm crazy about her and despite the fact that she's very much the same way towards me.

I've battled low self esteem for so long. I've made strides since I started (over 6 years ago) but in the last year or so, it doesn't feel like I've made any. I've always got some kind of anxiety or heart burn feeling in my chest, I'm always second guessing myself in whatever I do. I'm always worrying about what to say and when to say it. I always get frustrated/depressed/etc and it seems like I just don't have control of my emotions.

My dad passed away a month ago and that's been difficult but we're actually getting through it. I don't want to pin this on my dad and a lot of you might say, well Travis you're dad just passed away that's a HUGE factor in emotional health. You would be right. It's just I've felt this way long before my dad passed away, it just adds to it you could say.

I don't know what to do. I just recently started to seriously consider rotating antidepressants. I'd gotten tired of being depressed and taking the SAME anti depressants for 2 years and pretending they worked. I finally just snapped a few days ago and said look I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to get off this crap (effexor and wellbutrin) and try something so I can get my life back.

I went to my doctor (I see a psychiatrist too) a few days back and told him how I felt. We're giving lexapro a try now and its' been about 3 days on 10 mg. I forgot what I even wanted to ask yall on metafilter at this point. I'm just so frustrated with the way the date with, I'm so frustrated about not being able to be my old self. I'm frustrated about lacking all ability to make conversation (when I make conversation it feels like theres a boulder holding me back). I'm frustrated about being depressed and no antidepressants working for the past 2 years.

I'm tired of there being a burning in my chest the last few months, I'm tired of trying to think positively. It's so damn hard to think positively when your body is feeling a certain way. Seriously, it's so damn hard when you've got an anxiety pang in your stomach and you're like oh just think positively.

Does this ever get any better? Will I ever stop f'in up everything in my life?

-Travis

I love my girlfriend, but am I doin it rite?

crunch buttsteak — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 10:17:16 -0800

I am madly in love with my girlfriend. I want it to last. Am I doing everything I should be doing, as a good boyfriend? I have been with my current girlfriend for 6 months. We are both between 18-21 years of age. I've had relationships before, but they were different. In the past, I liked someone's company and the feeling of companionship. Sentimental, you could say. My longest relationship before this was 2 years, but it was casual and didn't mean much in the end.

Before this, I had never been with someone who I would consider marrying, spending the rest of my life with, etc.. I'm sure many of you have been there, but this is really new for me. I know we're both young, but I am so in love with her that it just.. it doesn't make sense. The only way I want this to turn out is with me giving her my love for the rest of my life, if not for the freakin rest of time itself.

But beneath all my layers of sap and sentimental mushiness, I do have a cynical, ~~pessimistic~~ realist side. I have a few concerns with our relationship and I want to know:
- if I should be concerned
- and if so, am I doing everything in my power to make things work?

1) She has low self esteem. She is very up and down, with her self-image and bouts of self-deprecation. I would say that she has an episode of either one (or both) maybe 5 or 6 days out of the week. She gets down on herself because she thinks she looks fat, or she doesn't think she'll amount to anything, or she hasn't decided what she wants to do career-wise, or she has one zit on her face that you can't even see with a microscope.

What I'm doing about it:
- I tell her very often how much I love her. I tell her in different ways. I tell her how I think about her during the day. We buy something from the grocery store, and I take her through a detour in the candy aisle to buy something she likes, just because.
- I tell her how beautiful she is, that she's slim and gorgeous (she's tall and slender, and her body fat is like.. if she leans back you can make out her floating ribs. It's all in her head!) I talk to her about how great she looks, how her hair is awesome, she has great lips and such a cute face. She's a knockout.. she just has trouble seeing it. She will eventually smile, get kind of giddy, and be like "okay :)"

2) We're both young.. what does that mean? I know that back in the "good old days," two people could spend their whole lives together, but my parents are divorced. Everyone's divorced. Some people have relationships in their twenties that last 3 years and then fizzle out. How can I prevent that? Is it even worth stressing over? My common sense tells me I should just live for the moment, be thankful day by day, and other stuff like that.. but if we ever end up apart, that stuff won't be enough.

3) She's exactly like the girlfriend here. That guy strikes me as kind of full of himself. I am not. I just love my girlfriend very much and want her to think us as equals, because I do. Honestly I think my girlfriend is hotter than I am by a pretty healthy margin.. but she often tells me that I'm so good to her, and so good-looking, and nobody else would ever love her this way if I left her. I mean.. it's really touching, and I know it comes from the heart.. but with that, obviously, she is missing some sense of self-worth.. you know?

TL;DR: I am happy with my girlfriend, she's happy with me. In the long term, am I doing things right? What should I do? What can I do? I somehow landed the woman of my dreams - how can I be perfect for her?

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.. I'll be checking back a lot so feel free to ask questions if you want.

How do you take a compliment?

Cool Papa Bell — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 11:36:25 -0800

Compliments and self-worth: Help me help my friend understand not everyone thinks she's stupid. A friend of mine gets the following email from a professional colleague after she organized a two-day meeting with 15+ people involved.

I wanted to thank you for organizing such a productive meeting. It really quite well, and we're all excited about XXX. Thanks for organizing everything, getting the right people in the room for us, and also for supplying breakfast, lunch and organizing the dinner. It was a great trip overall!

Her response to me:

Am I crazy? This doesn't sound like a compliment. This sounds like pandering. Any trained monkey could've done what I did -- made a few calls, made a dinner reservation, etc. I feel like the ugly girl being told I have a great personality.

The question: How can I make her take a compliment for what it is? She seems to feel that this compliment is somehow demeaning and humiliating. How does she break the rut of feeling like everyone thinks she's stupid and treats her like she's in the Special Olympics?

How can I stop being passive?

mintchip — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 22:29:59 -0800

How can I stop being passive? I've gotten feedback from people that I am very passive.

This honestly doesn't bother me; I basically like how I am. For whatever reason, things that bother other people don't seem to bother me. In fact, I don't even notice how it comes across to others that I'm passive. I've always been rather introverted and I avoid confrontation unless it's *really* necessary (I can confront someone if I'm really feeling wronged, but it takes a lot for me to feel the need).

There are few ways that I think my supposed passivity becomes a problem. First is that it may be what is holding me back in my career. People probably won't promote someone who they think is too passive. Second, it seems to bother other people because they read it as symptomatic of low self esteem. And finally, some people take advantage of people who they perceive as passive.

I say “supposed passivity” because in a way, I actually feel that may behavior shows inner confidence, and this inner confidence means that I don't feel the need to exert my will/stand up for myself as outwardly as others do. Unfortunately, I don't think many people get that about me. Americans are so "confidence happy" that I feel that I'll never get anywhere unless I become more confident. For example, I have had many people tell me that I am quite attractive, yet I don't seem to have much luck dating; only very few people who seem to "get me."

To boil it down: I don't know if being perceived as passive really is a problem or if I should just accept this as part of myself since I feel comfortable this way. I guess the real problem for me is that other people see it as a problem. The second part of the question is that if I do decide to work on it, how do I do it? I can try to examine my own behavior more closely, but this just makes me feel terribly self conscious—not a feeling that is likely to make me act more assertive or outwardly confident.