Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with seduction

Best practices for seducing someone after having the "just friends" talk

Jacen Solo — Tue, 26 May 2009 16:48:16 -0800

I met this girl, and we were sorta-dating for a couple of weeks, before eventually she decided she wasn't up for dating anyone at the moment and we had the "just friends" talk. I'm fine with that, but would like AMF's advice on best practices for making her have second thoughts. This is less of a bad idea than it might seem, I promise. So about a month ago, I met this girl at a party (at school; we both go to the same college). We ended up flirting pretty heavily, and over the next couple of weeks things progressed positively. While we never "officially" got into a relationship, there was lots of making out (and a bit beyond), a few dates, lots of IM-flirtation, she slept over a couple of times, etc. And we connect really well with each other; not only is the "chemistry" there, but we both ended up sharing a lot of pretty intimate details about our past experiences, family lives, life philosophies, and so on. Awesome, right?

After a these first couple of weeks, though, when it was starting to get to the "are we officially going out?" stage, she was giving mixed signals and backing out. The interesting part is why... and she was kind enough to explain this in some detail. The main factor seemed to be that she had only had "bad" relationships in the past, where she ended up dating the guy because she felt sorry for him, and the relationship ended up feeling like a chore instead of something wonderful. Since I was different—actually attractive and interesting, apparently—she wasn't sure what to do there, as I didn't fit into her paradigm for dating people and she was afraid she'd lose me as a cool friend. She also explained that she was afraid of falling in love too quickly (in the sense of becoming emotionally dependent on the other person's happiness), as she's done that in the past. And finally, there were some issues related to her recent problems with depression and how her mom disapproves.

So, about a week ago, we had the "just friends" talk. This actually went really well, and I'm happy with it—she is really cool, and a great person to have as a friend. The funny part is that, over the course of this talk, she was explaining things like how girls (in generality, apparently) often start crushing on good friends and warm up to a relationship over time, and how she'd like nothing better than to keep me "in the wings" reserved for when she feels ready for a relationship. Also highly amusing, I thought, was that soon after agreeing to be just friends, she was saying "wow, I feel like I could totally go see a movie with you now" and was making plans for doing things in the near future. (In fact, we have a fancy dinner-date soon... as "just friends.") But of course we both were in agreement that me waiting around was not such a great idea, and soon enough we were swapping thoughts about other girls.

Now, as far as I can tell, this definitely has the potential for developing over the longer term. I don't have one-itis; I'm not going to wait around for that—hell, I'm flirting with other girls left and right, now that I'm sure that I'm actually single. But I do really like this girl, and would like to accelerate the process wherein she reconsiders the "just friends" decision, as it seems pretty clear from the above that after she gets over some mental blocks, that's exactly what's going to happen... I'd just rather not wait around too long. So I turn to you, my dear readers, to help me out: what are the best practices for seducing someone back in this kind of situation? Things like... is mentioning/flirting with other girls around her likely to increase my status as a "catch," or is it just tactless? What kind of behaviors solidify the "hey he's really attractive, hmm, maybe that was a mistake" kind of thinking, as opposed to the "oh wow, I'm so glad we're just friends" kind of thinking? My cautious instincts are to back off and let her initiate anything, but my impression is that this actually would just degrade things. Or is this actually reasonable, in a sort of "make her miss me" kind of way? I'm asking for "best practices" instead of just "tips" since I'm also interested in how to approach this situation in a tactful, nice, and friendship-preserving way; it's not just a goal-oriented question.

Any more general advice on this situation would probably be welcome too. Thanks!

No Casanova am I

Busy Old Fool — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 07:12:03 -0800

What is the appropriate flirty answer to "Do you believe in fate?" Many moons ago, I was on a date (first or second, depending on counting schemata) and, as we stood on a hill watching the lights of the city, the young lady in question asked me "Do you believe in fate?"

I blanked, then said something so literal and inconsequential that my memory has mercifully erased it and, a little later, we wandered back down the path.

A date or two later I kissed her already, we spent a month or two as a not-quite couple and then parted amicably, so no worries there. However, I still can't for the life of me think what I should have said. It couldn't have been too forward, as I hadn't yet had any clear signs that a smooch was wanted, but on the other hand I feel this was an unambiguous invitation to say something leading or otherwise seductive. (I know I should have asked her when we were together, but we've since lost touch.)

So... what would have been a perfect response? Short, long, funny, romantic, sexy, show me how it's done!

Sexy Time

mpls2 — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 16:43:43 -0800

How do I get with this girl? There's a girl who works at a place that I frequent for lunch, and I'm pretty sure she has the hots for me (playful teasing, giving me free stuff, etc.). She's too immature for me to have a relationship with, but I'm definitely open to something casual.

Assuming that she does dig me, what's the next logistical step to getting her to my bedroom?

Thanks!

Teach me the art of seduction

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:55:59 -0800

Ladies, tell me how you seduced a man. Gentlemen, tell me how you were seduced. In both cases, preferably the seductress or the object of seduction was not someone you knew well, but an acquaintance or a near stranger.

Ladies: How did you work up the guts to do it? How did he react initially? Want to share the juicy details?

Gentlemen: How did she go about it? What did or did not get your heart pounding? Did you melt like butter? In your opinion, how would most guys react when sex is being served to them on a platter?

Why do I ask? I'm trying to figure out if the reward of getting this man into bed will be worth the risk of rejection, and I'm turning to you for inspiration or words of caution.

Here are the details: I'm 25 and have plenty of sexual experience - I definitely know my way around a man. Just take my word for it that I'm attractive and fit. At the risk of sounding extremely full of myself, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't turn me down if we were complete strangers.

He's in his late thirties. Both girl and guy friends of mine have seen him (either in person or in a picture) and they've all teased me about his appearance. So what if he's no Adonis, he's brilliant and I have an absolutely magnetic attraction to him. He’s the quiet, thoughtful, academic type, but certain clues have me convinced he has a fun, rebellious streak that he keeps carefully tucked away. I want so damn badly to bring that out of him.

The complicating factor is that he was my professor. Let me stress that he's not my professor anymore and I'm graduating in a couple of months, so there is no chance of me ever being in his class again. I'm also moving away right after graduation, probably never to return, so this is my only chance. I don’t want a relationship and a fairy tale ending, I just want to jump his bones. The times that we’ve spoken one-on-one, I definitely sensed sparks flying.

I’m well aware that his professional obligations will factor into his reaction if I do try to make a move. I have a couple of male friends who also teach at this university and I have picked their brains for their experiences with students hitting on them. If you’re going to tell me it’s a bad idea, don’t tell me that it’s a bad idea because it’s just “wrong” to hit on a professor, tell me it’s because I have no chance with him. If you think I should go for it, tell me how - I have three ways of contacting him: phone, email, or marching right into his office.

So in summary, stories of your own experiences or suggestions for my situation are all welcome and appreciated. Outrageous stories and suggestions are especially welcome! This is meant to be a fun thread, so please, no preaching. If you want to contact me privately (you don't want your story of seduction posted up where anyone can see, or you want more details), email me at metataka@gmail.com

Thanks!

Do pick-up techniques work ?

Oneirokritikos — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:19:19 -0800

Has any member of the hivemind had any success using the many techniques and/or attitudes featured on shows like "The Pick up Artist" or books like Neil Strauss' "the Game" and "Rules of the Game"? In the past I relied a lot on a "psychoanalytical" approach to life to get me through; ie I'd absorb theory, then get an insight, then try to act on this to change my life....It didn't quite work out. Reading "Rules of the Game" with its 30-day challenge ( a daily mission to learn to attract and seduce) taught me that the reverse could work better, ie a constructivist approach: act, then change, then have insight, then maybe later learn the theory (interestingly, the same approach is featured in the musculation technique I'm using) .. Judging from all the testimonies on seduction forums, this doesnt seem like baloney to me, only re-framed social psych theories. I'd ask at those forums, but I thought I'd ask my favorite hivemind first.
I have read the books (both Strauss', and Mystery's method), seen the videos, and though bits seem fictitious and/or staged to me, I think this could at worst be a cure for my social phobia...and getting dates would be a nice bonus. I have many social/self image/psych issues that I'm working on (depressed since 1991, reformed Borderline personality, shy, jobless, slightly overweight but not a virgin - actually quite successful in the past at getting dates but unable to find any these years). The time frame seems right as all of the most prioritary issues are being dealt with with a modicum of success (medication, therapy, workout, job hunt); now it's time to turn back to seducing the ladies, for I've reached a point where my loneliness is compromising my climb back from hell.

In a nutshell, I'd like testimonies from the Metafilter crowd before diving in on the streets of beautiful downtown Montpellier, France. Did you try it? What did and didn't work for you? What do you think of those techniques? What would you advise, based on the above information? I'm specifically NOT interested in the moral POV, since this stuff can be used both morally and immorally. It's just human relations advice.
Thank you !
(I hope this question is not too boyzone-ish, women are encouraged to participate !)

Yep, I actually am asking strangers on the internet for sex advice.

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 14:07:04 -0800

No sex in several weeks (damn dissertation) and my girl deserves more. How can I give it to her with a great big bow on top? My dissertation has had me cloistered for the last sereral weeks, during which I have been big ball of negativity--a big sexless ball. My girlfriend, who lives almost an hour from my school, has been incredibly supportive during all of this. With the dissertation nearing the home stretch, I'm finally going to see her again this weekend (YAY!) and I want to make it special. I'm thinking something along the lines of candles and roses, but maybe not so cliche. We haven't been terribly sexually adventurous in the past, but I'm pretty sure she's open to it.

Added challenge: I'm going to her place, so my ability to set up something to surprise her will be limited. I might be able to get her housemate to lure her away, though, so suggestions involving set-up are still welcome.

Also, I have seen this, but we're lesbians.

You ever played jacks? Well, it's kinda like that....

Mach3avelli — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 01:20:51 -0800

What pick-up lines have you used, witnessed, or been the victim of that actually worked? Please include context.

Help end my slump!

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 20:13:27 -0800

Need opinions about setting a scene for seduction. Here's the story. It's my long-term boyfriend's birthday and I want to surprise him when he comes home from work with a seduction scene. To complicate matters we've been in a sexual slump for a while (as in not doing it at all). So, I would like to take this opportunity to change things up for us. I want it to be a surprise (unless the ask mefi crowd advises otherwise). Now, I know what I would find sexy, but I am not sure that will translate in this case. I also know all of the other stuff: desire is in the eye of the beholder, your sexiness mileage may vary (YSMMV), and we each have our own "things" that turn us on. But I am just trying to get some ideas. I have the following: new sexy lingerie (a side question: what lingerie do men find sexiest?), candles, blindfold, champagne, etc. Please tell me what you would want or how you effectively set such a scene for a man. Oh, and I am a woman.

Nature of attraction

pwally — Thu, 08 Sep 2005 16:11:52 -0800

After reading Aceys question today in which she was asking for advice for an 18 year old, Skylar answered: "I wish that I had better understood the nature of attraction and seduction, things I am only getting to know now as I get older. When I was younger I waited for people to approach me because I didn't have the courage to do it for myself. Now I realise how a few simple rules of psychology apply in many potential romantic encounters and I have gained a lot more confidence in those situations." My question is can you elaborate on what you think he meant since he forgot. And Skylar if you come across this then by all means let me know what you mean. Anything to get the upper hand ya know :)

Help me seduce a guy.

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Aug 2005 20:36:02 -0800

Help me seduce a guy. So this guy I have a thing for, but who lives on the other side of the country, is coming to visit and will stay with me for one night. I’ve had the hots for him since the moment I met him a few years ago. A friend who has seen us together said she definitely detected two-way sparks. Here’s the problem: he never makes any sort of move and neither do I, being very insecure. (I’m cute but 30 pounds overweight.) The last time I saw him, he walked me home after dinner and I invited him up (which is as forward as I get and really, can that be taken any other way?) but he declined. Obviously, the likely answer is that he isn’t attracted to me. But I can’t understand why such a smart, funny and hot straight 40-year-old guy is single in the first place. Could he just be hopeless around women? Here’s my shot to find out for good and all. What do I do? The idea is he will sleep in the living room but I want him in my bed. Yet, I don’t want to throw myself at him and be rejected and make the rest of the night painfully embarrassing for both of us. I was thinking of asking him flat out over drinks why such an attractive man is single. Is that a direct enough message? How can I make it plain that I’m hot to trot while protecting both of us from embarrassment if the feeling isn’t mutual?

Help me make a sensual dinner.

dirtynumbangelboy — Sun, 24 Jul 2005 23:50:55 -0800

FoodPornFilter: Help me make a sensual meal. (Mildy NSFW text inside, possible TMI) So there's a new someone in my life, but we're separated for a little while until he moves here permanently. Accordingly, we're planning an extra-special dinner for when he does arrive. One option we're considering is making a nice meal together.

The other is a full-on, no-holds-barred, sensual evening, with some sort of wickedly sinful dinner, with us as the plates.

Thus, MetaFiltrates, I turn to you. What are your favourite sensual recipes? As simple as figs in honey, or as complex as, er... complex things. Preference will be given to dishes that don't require utensils (or, at least, don't require knives), aren't hugely messy (couscous, for example, would be a tad on the untidy side), and aren't served so hot as to be uncomfortable on bare skin.

Exotic flavours (I live in Toronto, so finding pretty much anything is a breeze), bite-size pieces, unusual ideas. There's almost nothing either of us won't eat. Anyone who's seen my waistline knows I have a predilection towards pastries of all sorts; he salivates for mushrooms.

Help me make this a night to remember.

Help identify this painting...

togdon — Fri, 11 Mar 2005 21:56:55 -0800

I saw a great unsigned print tonight, and am really curious to know who the original artist was. The print was roughly 4'x3', with a dark seductive background. Two women were seated at a table, one was staring toward the viewer at a candelabra, the other was leaning away from the viewer, over the table, provocatively, drinking from a glass of wine. The style reminded both my wife and I of Jack Vettriano, but Googling for both his prints and/or search terms describing the painting have yielded nothing. The waiter had no idea who had done it, but mentioned that it was definitely a print. Most of the rest of the art at the restaurant was original, so the painting may be more famous. Also, he thought the artist may be from somewhere in Louisiana, which would make sense as it was a southern bistro (the restaurant in question is Acadia in Portland, Oregon if it helps...). Thanks!