Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with secrets

If I Told You, Would They Have to Kill Me, You, or Both of Us?

scaryblackdeath — Fri, 24 May 2013 08:18:31 -0800

If a civilian in the US (who does not work for the gov't) learns top secret national security information through no active choice of her own (not snooping, stuff just happens in front of her or she is clearly dragged into the matter against her will), can the government legally compel her to keep said secret? This is, for the record, a question about a fictional story I'm writing. There are no real people or real secrets involved. My story boils down to civilians being dragged into an investigation of espionage/terrorism, and the gov't agents don't want them to talk about it after it's over. On the one hand, it involves FBI types involved in legally questionable shenanigans, and on the other the revelation of said secrets would definitely lead to loss of lives. The gov't therefore wants the civilians to keep it all quiet.

Is there a statute for this? Does the gov't say, "Under [blah] act, if you pass this info on to anyone, you will be prosecuted and put in prison?" Is the gov't reduced to appeals to patriotism and/or intimidation?

The new employee is sketchy, and only I know it.

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 16:14:14 -0800

I just started a new job as a researcher. They hired a few people around the same time as me and we all have start dates around now-ish. I've been there a week. There is a new guy starting in my department in a more senior position than me, but not supervising me, on Monday. I just got his name today and looked him up, and... there are some things about him that a little bit of digging uncovered that are sketchy. (It's definitely him, please give me the benefit of the doubt here.) His job is not likely to be impacted by these revelations about his recent past, but if it were to get out that his history includes these things, it could endanger my company's reputation if a competitor or journalist found out. Nothing he did is illegal. What is my ethical duty here? I'm brand new to the company. It could be that someone knows these things about him and doesn't care. But unless he divulged these things about his past, it's unlikely that anyone currently at my workplace has the skill to find the information where it is "hidden."

Family Secrets on Film

Fairchild — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 08:42:30 -0800

Documentaries about ordinary people, their secrets and inner lives. Yesterday I watched Phyllis and Harold. This documentary kind of reminded me of 51 Birch Street. I enjoyed both. What are some more documentaries about ordianry people that delve into the personal? These two documentaries were about marriage, which were largely unhappy. I'm interested in marriage and romantic relationships. I'm also interested in the parent-child relationship, family secrets, family in general, complicated relationships, wonderful relationships, love stories, etc..

Thanks.

Attention, San Diego: Show Us Your Dark Underbelly!

julthumbscrew — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 13:16:59 -0800

I loved the "show me the hidden side of L.A." question. But I'm gonna be visiting its mild-mannered southern cousin, San Diego. Show me the hidden side of THAT! I loved this question. However, due to some restrictive flight vouchers, my boyfriend and I will be vacationing in San Diego instead. Per other San Diego-related questions, it seems to be a laid-back, balmy, peaceful kinda town. EFF THAT. We want to see San Diego's hidden/seedy/secret/wild side. The particulars:

- We'll be there during the last week of August.
- We'll have a car.
- We'll have passports.
- We'll have some cash (albeit not enough to rent a private villa in which to chug caviar smoothies).
- Likes: urban exploration, vaguely-to-entirely "naughty" activities, things that'll make good memories and/or stories.
- Dislikes: touristy stuff, water-related activities, relaxing on the beach drinking frou-frou drinks.
- Nothing is too outre or scuzzy. However, we also do not wish to die and/or get kidnapped.

How to make a move on someone I've been waiting to approach?

lemoncakeisalie — Sat, 21 Jul 2012 23:41:17 -0800

How do I approach a castmate I've developed feelings for? We've been working on a show together for about a month, and I've developed an attraction to him. I immediately determined I should wait until the show closed to make any obvious moves, but I'm not sure how to do it. He's friendly and playful and teases me, but it's unclear whether he's interested. In addition, I recently learned that he's rather awkward at approaching women, having been in a years-long relationship from about age eighteen until a couple of years ago. (He's in his late 20s.) It seems plausible that he wouldn't make a move regardless of possible interest. He may not even quite know how, odd as that sounds.

I asked him to dinner about a week into rehearsals because it was clear we had a lot in common. We walked about twenty minutes, went to a shop, got coffee, and had dinner. He didn't offer to pay or anything, but he let us sit and talk for half an hour before ordering because "the company's good." After a long dinner, he walked me home because the area is a bit sketchy, but he sat on my steps with me for about twenty minutes so we could keep talking. All told, we spent five hours together. It was very relaxed and touchy-feely - no holding hands, but I got good vibes. (Again, though, we're theatre people. Touching may mean nothing - we touch a lot in our show.)

In the last few weeks, I've been flirting a lot - teasing him, little touches, all my best moves. Problem is, theatre people use banter and teasing and touches to make friends and establish rapport among the cast. So this is likely to be seen as friendly, not hitting on him. I'm also a hugely bubbly, energetic person. And my character has a crush on his character. So I think it may all be getting lost in the noise, so to speak.

Anyway, the show closes pretty soon. I want to have a plan. There's likely to be making out at the cast party, which probably will just mean fun with friends to anyone involved (including, usually, me - which he knows). I'm not sure how to make it clear that I'm attracted to him and not just as a friend / pair of lips. I also don't want to spook him or make things awkward, as it's likely we'll work together again at some point in the next few years (college theater, nothing professional).

So, how do I be delicate about this without leaving him guessing? Because he's said (and shown) that he's not too skilled at guessing.

How do I start talking about a deeply embrassing secret?

Meat Puppet — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 20:30:21 -0800

I occasionally struggle with self-harm. While my support system knows this has been a problem in the past, they do not know that I sometimes still self-harm. I am deeply embarrassed, but would like to start talking to my therapist about this. How do I get over the embarrassment and proceed? Some background: Between ages 11 – 16 I regularly engaged in self-harm. Between ages 15 – 16 I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital twice, and received a total of four months inpatient treatment and four months outpatient treatment. I have been in therapy since (going on 10+ years) and have grown into happy and relatively healthy young woman. I’ve completed my undergraduate education, am gainfully employed, and have been in a loving and fulfilling LTR for the past several years. I regularly see a psychologist, the same psychologist that has treated me for the past ten years. We have an excellent relationship.

The problem is that I have continued to self-harm. In the last three years I have burned or cut myself around six to eight times. I have been unable to discuss this with my family, my partner, or my psychologist. I am deeply embarrassed by my behavior. I am able to discuss all aspects of my life and mental health with my support system, but this is something I cannot bring myself to talk about.

Part of me has accepted that this is a coping mechanism that will be with me for the rest of my life. The instances where I have cut or burned myself in adulthood I have done so to prevent escalation to disassociation and/or more dangerous and destructive behaviors. I get to a certain point where it’s like, well either I hurt myself or I go off the deep end (not suicide). I do a superficial cut or burn, am able to collect myself, and go about my business.

Yet, recently I experienced something very traumatic and I had the feeling of “cut, burn, or loose it” but after several days of emotional pain and turmoil I was able to stabilize without self-harming. I found myself wanting to celebrate and analyze this triumph with my psychologist but have been unable to do so, as I have not told him about any self-harm for the last four years or so. This makes me really sad. I think if I were able to discuss this in therapy I would have the chance to learn a lot about myself.

The question:
How do I begin to talk about something that is so incredibly embarrassing, and have been hiding for the past three years? I have no idea how to even begin.

I discussed a friend's private, very personal, problem with my own friends, and now I feel terrible for doing so. Can I fix this?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 May 2012 06:16:47 -0800

I discussed a friend's private, very personal, problem with my own friends, and now I feel terrible for doing so. Can I fix this? Recently my friend - "X" - called me with a very personal problem related to a complicated LTR, an unexpected pregnancy, and a paternity question. It is very complicated, I am worried about how it will unfold, and I feel - even now - very confused how to provide support. It freaked me out. I found out right as I was headed to a small girls' night stay-at-home gathering with five of my friends. Later, when the discussion turned (without my input) to related topics (reproductive health laws and experiences, etc.) I started talking about why I was late, in regard to X's phone call. These people are not friends with X --- X is hundreds of miles away from these other friends and I. However, X is a best friend of mine, so even though they don't know her, they could probably figure out who it was based on the details. I feel terrible that I talked about this, especially since in followup weeks one or two women asked me about her, and how she is doing. And now that I think about it, they probably do know who it is, since her LTR is a recurring problem and source of drama, and I've talked about it before. UGH. I know I talked about this because I am scared and stressed about how to help her, and this group of women is very close to me, and very smart and knowledgable about resources. But I feel bad that I talked about it to people, since it's X's private thing, not mine. Part of me wants to just make something up to pretend it's not an issue any more. Short of that or inventing a mind-erasing machine that I can park outside of our next gathering, is there anything I can do about what I've done? My friend X didn't say "Don't tell anyone" but it is implicit due to how sensitive this topic is. I should have realized that, but am worried about her, and I don't know how/when to advise her. I even just called a crisis line (non-judgmental, pregnancy and abortion focused) to see if the line could be a resource for her, but also to vocalize that I am confused and scared. And then I think -- see there I go again, talking about this! And now here. Ugh. But I can't sleep and I am not doing well letting go of this and not internalizing X's situation. What do I do now?

Boundaries or ultimatums?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 08:56:20 -0800

What is the difference between an ultimatum and a hard limit? An item of contention has come up between my spouse and I and in discussing it, I told him this manner of thing could not happen again or I would not be able to continue the relationship. The issue concerns an ex-girlfriend—let’s call her X— that I have never been comfortable with (in part due to some of the things he’s told me about her, and in part due to the limited experiences I’ve had with her). I found, quite accidentally last week, that my spouse was named in X’s will as the guardian of her child in the event she should die. The child is not my spouse’s child. She is from X’s previous marriage and the ex-husband is still alive and living in our state as far as I know. This will was made a few years ago, definitely during the time my spouse and I were together, in a relationship and planning marriage.

This is the second time I have learned things about his relationship with this woman from someone else. At first, he presented X as “a girl I used to date when I was in college.” I learned from other people much later that he’d basically been with her in some form for the past ten years (we are both in our 30s), had lived with her rather recently, she was considered a member of his family by his parents. Fine, but I wasn’t in the market for someone with this much baggage and he knew that and later admitted that he kept some of that from me because he thought I’d leave him over it. He told me that the relationship had been a difficult one that he'd had lots of trouble extracting himself from. His descriptions of her behaviors sounded a lot like someone with untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, but he claimed that she was finally getting treatment and was much better now. I got over it in time because in every other way he puts my needs first, respects my emotiona and is a loving and supportive partner. I chalked this up to his general cluelessness about how relationships work since he’d been in a very unhealthy one for quite some time. He further limited his contact with her and prevented her from starting a lot of drama between us by enforcing his boundaries. She no longer calls him in the middle of the night threatening to kill herself, so I do believe that he’s made an honest and sincere effort to limit her place in his life.

This recent fact throws me, though, because he accepted this commitment while we were planning our wedding and never told me about it. His defence is that he forgot about it and it’s not likely that he would ever be in the position to be X’s child’s guardian anyway. I say that doesn’t matter and that when you’ve made a potentially life-altering commitment you at least inform the person you’re married to about it. He thinks I’m overreacting because it involves X. I have had no problem with his interactions with X, what I’m opposed to is when it looks like he’s hiding his relationship with X from me. It also concerns me that he claims he’s not close to X anymore, yet he agreed to be responsible for her child. And since I am now his wife, I could potentially be responsible for a child whom I’ve never met and had no awareness I might have to raise. I told him that it doesn’t matter whose child it is, it’s the fact that he concealed this from me that I find so upsetting. But, so far X is the only person I’m finding these important things about second hand.

In our discussion of this, I told him that I could not continue finding out from third parties about these entanglements between himself and X, and that if it happened again, I would consider our relationship broken. He claims I’m making threats and ultimatums. I say I’m telling him that I cannot allow another breach of trust like this and still consider him a trustworthy partner. In part, this is because I know that once I know I can’t trust someone, I cannot have tender feelings for them. It would be impossible for me to have a relationship with someone I thought was betraying me.

But, is it an ultimatum? I’m not asking for anything except honesty regarding his role in X’s life. What is the difference between a threat and a warning that you’re nearing your limits? And am I making too much of this? Anon because he knows I read Ask.Me.

How do I deal with my boyfriend's secret?

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 10:08:28 -0800

I have accidentally discovered my boyfriend's secret fetish. He is ashamed and upset. I'm terrified of losing him. Please help me navigate this. (Some details NSFW.) Some background: my boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. We're compatible on many, many levels and I love him to pieces. I've also recently taken a job in his city and have moved in with him while I find my own place.

Yesterday I was using his computer when I came upon a number of pictures saved to his desktop. They were a cam shot of a young teenage girl (about 16-17) and what appeared to be a screenshot of the girl on webcam with a guy, who was masturbating. There was also a text file containing verious biographical details of girls - names, ages, birthdays etc.

When I asked him about it, he became very upset and admitted to me that sometimes he likes to pretend to be young girls on webcam/adult chat sites. He creates fake profiles to talk to guys and masturbates while they're chatting. Apparently he finds it exciting that the guys don't know he's not a girl and that they're getting turned on by him. He always ends the sessions by pretending to be the girls' parent "discovering" the chat. These chats take place maybe once a week, when he's bored and looking for (his words) "a shallow masturbation session".

He was incredibly, deeply distraught that I had found out about this, explaining that he had never wanted anyone to find out. He told me that he considers it to be wrong and shameful. I tried to reassure him that I don't think that it's wrong and that I care for him and will support him always. I am very open-minded about sexual stuff, and so long as he's not hurting anybody I don't consider this to be a deal-breaker. He's still the same person I met and fell in love with, and far be it from me to judge how he choses to get himself off. However, he believes that he has been doing something bad, for which he doesn't deserve forgiveness. He is also upset because I was cheated on in my last relationship and he considers his secret a breach of trust. He can't stand knowing that I know about it.

I love him and I want him to be happy. I feel perfectly fine with him expressing his sexuality however he wants to and would support his decision, even if he wants it to be private from me. But I'm absolutely terrified that if I'm not careful it will drive a wall between us.

AskMe - how do I handle this? Is there a way I can reassure him that his fetish isn't something he should be ashamed of? Or is this something he should come to in his own time? How do I go about discussing this with him as helpfully as possible?

"Though lovers be lost love shall not; And death shall have no dominion."

zizzle — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 08:59:23 -0800

I fell in love with Vincent. Alas, I have now watched all of "Beauty & the Beast." Who can I fall in love with now? Looking for things to watch that are similar. What I enjoyed about "Beauty & The Beast" was the dichotomy of two worlds within one, the struggle of maintaining a life in both worlds, the mix of modern life with medieval ways, the secrecy, and of course the romantic focus of the plot.

I want to watch more of this type of thing. What else might I like? And just to add, I really like that it's the real world vs this secret world within the real world part a lot --- I wouldn't mind watching something that primarily takes place in a fantasy world of sorts, but I'm more looking for worlds within worlds than completely separate worlds.

For never was a story of more woe than Juliet and her security cleared Romeo...

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 05:44:18 -0800

How do you best go about a relationship when you can't be honest with your partner? I work somewhere that requires the greatest of discretion. I don't even tell my family what I do. How then do I date women? I want to get out there on the dating scene but it always falls down at "What's your name?".

So in forlorn hope I ask: how do I balance work requirements and honesty requirements?

Help me find the really hidden Los Angeles

Astro Zombie — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 13:57:46 -0800

Help me find some Los Angeles secrets! I'll be in LA for four says next week, and don['t need advice on the touristy things, or even the stuff locals know about, as I used to live there.

I'm looking for the really hidden stuff. The stuff you need to know somebody to see. The private collections, the things in bottles in basements, the tunnels that lead from someplace surprising to someplace unexpected, and you need a key to open.

Some examples from when I lived there: Forry Ackerman's house was a museum of science fiction and horror films, and he'd show you around, if you asked (I did.) Russ Meyer also had a museum of his old film stuff, and would likewise show you around (regretfully, I never asked.) I've seen collections of antique guns, private collections of shriner photos, and gotten a private tour of New York's Sex Museum from its curator by asking in advance, and now I'm asking you.

Do you know anything surprising, outstanding, and hidden to the outside world that you can access, or know somebody who can?

Office politics make me want to vomit.

Anonymous — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 09:47:11 -0800

A coworker with whom I only occasionally interact gave another coworker a very ambiguous yet relatively serious performance-related warning to give to me as a "heads up." To my self-knowledge, the accusation in question did not occur, but, if in the off-chance it did, I would want to know more details so I could avoid somehow fucking-up-while-having-no-realization-of-doing-so in the future. I'm not sure how to proceed. This morning, a coworker (code-name "Jim") came into our large shared office room to (ostensibly) pass along a serious warning. Another individual at our workplace with whom I rarely work (code-name "Mark") told Jim in confidence that I had fucked up while dealing with a patient/subject. (For some context, Jim and Mark are "bros" who hang regularly outside the workplace.) We work with patients/subjects with serious psychological issues, and the gist of the infraction was that I evidently asked questions that were inappropriately probing with regard to their condition. This was all given to me in a very grave, serious tone, the feeling of "I can't believe you fucked up like this, and I am saving your ass."

Mark had apparently wanted Jim to tell me this, so that it didn't need to go any superiors within our workplace. When I consulted my memory, I could recall the patient, but couldn't recall any conduct along these lines, and asked for more information or context as to this apparent problem. Jim wasn't able to proffer any actual details with regard to what had allegedly occurred, and, curiously enough, also told me that under no circumstances was I to ask Mark for any further clarification or to tell Mark. Jim did not really budge upon further questioning (under the very honest protest from me that I could not remember and wanted to shape up if there was a legitimate problem), nor upon expressing confusion toward the contradiction he had in his own story (i.e. this was supposed to be a warning to me, but he could not know that this warning was given). "Just don't do it again," were Jim's final words.

The fact that Mark did not actually inform me about their concerns despite ample opportunity to do so (this patient came in about three and a half weeks ago!) makes me feel that Jim's narrative as presented is probably spurious. It seems possible my closer coworker tacked on the altruism (i.e. "a warning to you") to the narrative of what was otherwise gossip, which is why Jim does not want this getting back to Mark. But, who the hell knows?

I'm not sure what my correct stance is in this situation. I pride myself on my competence. I tend to be a very cautious and self-critical person—I actually have a problem with ruminating over my mistakes and flaws, and am hypersensitive in the moment to my capacities—which is why I'm surprised to hear that something apparently this serious took place without even the slightest anxiety on my part. (Though the seriousness of the event itself is obscured by lack of detail; like chiding an amnesiac "you know what you did!") Furthermore, I actually know people with the condition in question, and know full well what are and are not safe topics of discussion. The one piece of identifying information (apart from specific patient) I was able to extract from Jim with regard to the alleged exchange renders the exchange impossible, as I was preparing equipment for the procedure at the time it allegedly occurred. It doesn't seem to add up. I am tempted to call bullshit, but don't want to leave this dormant if I'm messing up.

"I don't like my co-worker for personal reasons" is one thing; while anxiety-provoking, it isn't globally serious if I'm not best friends with (this/these) particular co-worker(s). "I think my co-worker is a fuck-up and am going to spread rumors to my bros in the office" is another—that's potentially affecting my employment. If there is a problem, I don't want to whitewash over it; I want to rectify it, and improve for the future—if I am being in some way thoughtless, I want to be conscious and change these slips that apparently don't even register in my memory. If there isn't a problem, I want to make clear that I will not tolerate gossip about my professionalism. And, I'd also like to make clear to people that if they have a legitimate problem with how I do my job, they should talk to me about it rather than play messenger boy with their office bros.

What are some reasonable things for me to consider doing? Even though the surface justification was that this was done as a favor to avoid involving my superior, I wouldn't be averse _to_ involving my superior. We have a very good working relationship and I have presented no problems in the past, and I trust he would deal with the situation fairly, especially if there in fact was a problem. As it stands, I'm just really anxious that something bizarre and unexpected is going to come out of the woodwork to blindside me.

On Keeping Secrets... help me find it!

andreinla — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 12:03:13 -0800

Help me find a speech on secrecy introducing the experience of having high clearance. It was an excerpt from a book, and was a speech given from someone who already had clearance to a state official who was about to gain such clearance. Involved how one's attitude changes over time. I think I saw it on boingboing or kottke but my google-fu is failing so far. Involved preparing the state official for "life with clearance," when he would know others don't, make decisions based on different sets of facts and therefore hard to understand for most people etc. The excerpt was short, to the point and quite poignant.

Do jurists really not talk about cases with their loved ones?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 10:04:47 -0800

I am a juror in a criminal case. I'm really considering: a.) talking to my wife about it; and b.) googling a couple things related to it. Just how bad of a citizen am I? Will I get caught? I just served my first day of jury duty in a case. Without giving away any detail, the case involves the failure, or infallibility of, a machine. There are some interesting personalities involved, but it's fairly local, victimless and insignificant.

The hearing is to continue tomorrow, and the judge sent us home tonight with the admonishment to refrain from talking about, visiting locations from, or researching anything pertaining to this case. Boilerplate stuff in this age of unlimited information, I'm sure.

My wife and I, like most partners, I assume, share pretty much everything, and I'm dying to tell her all about it when she gets home from a class tonight. There are really funny lawyers, other jurors, and many other things I know she'd really enjoy hearing about. Plus of course I just want to hear her opinion on it.

Furthermore, I can't help but be interested in other cases involving the aforementioned machine. I know as a juror, I'm supposed to only consider what is presented in court, and I think I can, for the most part. But I'm the kind of person who reads movie plots on wikipedia before I see the film sometimes, and I'm having a hard time resisting the urge to see if this defense has been previously used.

I'm wondering, do other people do these things? Is something wrong with me? And is it possible the defense lawyers could look me in the eye tomorrow and ask if I did any offline evidence collecting, forcing me to lie or be hauled away in handcuffs for contempt?

Secrets of Paris?

fantasticninety — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 06:21:59 -0800

Are there any bonafide secrets of Paris? I'm currently in Paris and have visited most of the main museums before (Louvre, Picasso, Orsay, etc.).

Are there any true great secrets that no one really talks about that are worth a gander? Restaurants could count too but I'm more interested in either museums or some visual gem of some sort.

One idea that I kind of like is if there was a place where someone took you for a walk around an arrondissement describing the history in French.

Based on another post I did go to Musee Dupuytren which was really cool.

Thanks!

Sister left out of Father's will

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 16:53:47 -0800

My father left one of my siblings out of his will. How good/bad would it be to split things with this sibling anyway? Details inside. I am one of three children, and the executor of my father's will. I have one older brother and one younger sister. Brother is very financially stable, laid back, had close bond with parents and very responsible. My sister is less stable financially, quite sensitive, can be difficult to get along with, attention seeking, tends to choose bad relationships and doesn't have good follow through on her life decisions. That said, she is a kind soul whom I love dearly. She tends to enjoy the material side of life a bit more than my brother and I, as evidenced by her spending and debt. She was adopted into our family when she was 4. We are all in our 30s.

My dad passed away and left an estate worth somewhere around 700k. The will is very simple, it leaves everything to be split equally between my brother and I. I have no idea why, I would never have expected that to be the case. The three of us always just assumed that we would split things between the three of us, to the point that they left town before the will was actually read.

Money means more to my sister than to either my brother or me, so will especially painful to her to be left out of the will. My brother and I have better lifetime earning capacity (if things stay as they are in terms of career). We were all put through undergrad and med/law/grad school. My sister did owe my father a small sum of money, which everyone was aware of, so I don't think that he omitted her because she had already received the money.

My brother and I are considering just splitting the estate three ways despite the will. The only people that know the contents of the will are the lawyer, my spouse, by brother and me. My spouse points out that while we may have good intentions, it is not my money to give away. He supports whatever decision we make. My spouse and I are the only ones with children.

If we do this, are we betraying my father? If we do this without telling her, are we doing and unkindness to my sister? Does she have a right to know? Is this the sort of thing that even with the best of intentions will never be kept secret? Is this even possible, or will taxes or a distribution in the form of a money order with my name on it raise a red flag?

I hate the idea of lying, I'm not even sure if I could. But my question to you is, should I?

Flight 22 is off to honolulu

orville sash — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 08:54:00 -0800

I'm going to Kauai for a week at the end of the month. Looking for good suggestions of things to see/places to eat. We're hoping to find the following some off the beaten path nature type stuff: waterfalls, nice hiking, beautiful views, places that are generally secluded and not full of other people.

We already have some ideas that we've gotten from tourbooks, et. al. but I am hoping that that mefites might have the inside dope on stuff that has managed to elude the tour books and tourists alike.

We will have a car on the island, and it will not be hard for us to get from place to place.

I know there have been Kauai travel questions before, but I just wanted to see if there was anything new that have been missed in those questions.

Thanks for your help.

Has anyone read a great book on selling/sales lately?

tangyraspberry — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 12:03:49 -0800

Has anyone read a great book on selling/sales lately? There's so much crap out there to wade through.

How much sharing is too much?

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 20:42:51 -0800

Should I tell my dear friend, who is currently undergoing fertility treatments, that I'm trying to get pregnant too? How? My beloved college roommate recently confided to me that she's gone to a fertility specialist after trying to get pregnant for a year. We are both 31. We live on opposite ends of the country.

I'm a terrible waffler about life decisions and have talked to her (before she told me about her fertility troubles) about my mixed feelings about babies and spawning and whatnot. However, shortly before she told me about her troubles, my husband and I had decided that it's rapidly nearing the right time for us to start trying to get pregnant.

I hadn't planned to tell anyone that we were trying, but I will tell her if that's the right thing to do. (She is, after all, sharing with me many of the sordid details of her treatments, as girlfriends do.) I almost want to delay our trying till she conceives. (I know that's insane ... right? but it does speak to my intense fondness for her.)

Now that I know that she's undergoing fertility treatments, should I tell her that we're trying? What should I say? Should I just try to conceive and tell her when I've hit the magical three-month mark when people usually start announcing?

How do I keep everyone happy in a wierd relationship

Anonymous — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 08:06:58 -0800

I just entered a relationship with my (female) best friend of 3 years and roommate. We've previously never so much as cuddled and recently became very open about our feelings for each other and realized that we want to be together. We are extremely excited about where things are going. There's a problem though... I've previously been in a relationship with the 3rd (male) roommate. He and I have been very close for years, and it's occasionally gone into sexual territory (it's been close to a year now since the last time). Also, on many occasions he's told me I'm the girl he loves. I do love him, but I'm not interested in him as anything more than extremely close friends and it's been this way for a long while.

We all live together, because previously it hadn't even been close to an issue. We all have our own rooms and space, and none of us were seeking any sort of romance between each other.

I've casually brought up conversation with him asking what he would do if I was ever in a serious relationship where I had someone move in, and he has told me that he would move out. This is not a good solution for me, as I love spending time with him, and we moved in together expecting to stay for at least the entire term of the lease. I've also made my feelings for him very much known on many occasions, and that it probably isn't healthy to think this way (he also gets laid frequently, so it's not like he's waiting for me) Furthermore, we can't afford the place without all three of us pitching in.

I don't want to hurt feelings, but keeping things secret forever never works. I also hate having this big part of my life be so closed off- especially seeing as we all share a large majority of our friends (therefore, I've kept this all secret from them as well).

Hivemind- what is one to do? Throwaway email: unsureofmyoptions@gmail.com

How do I tell my husband about my secret savings account?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 09:37:06 -0800

Before we were married, I set aside money because I thought I might have to leave him. He changed and I stayed. Now we have an emergency and we need to use the money. How do I tell him where it came from? Before we were married, he was sometimes emotionally abusive and I was afraid he'd become physically abusive, so I set money aside in case I had to suddenly leave. It was never a huge amount. He went to therapy, got on medication, and we went to couples counseling. He is no longer abusive and I married him. I love him absolutely and am committed to the relationship and this money is not a safety hatch.

He knew about the account before the wedding, because I used it to save for the honeymoon and deposit gifts for the wedding. He has obviously forgotten about it and I have not said anything because I was waiting for a real emergency (he is not very responsible with money and I did not want him to spend it on things we do not need). I have been unemployed for months and he is barely employed. We are scraping by for now but we are going to have to get some cash fast. I only have about one months rent in the account.

We have been seriously stressing about money lately, so he will be furious if I'm like "oh by the way I have this amount saved up that I didn't tell you about." I am not afraid he will be abusive, just angry. I am afraid he won't trust me. I was honestly not trying to keep this money for my own purposes, I was saving it for a dire emergency, and this is it. Now I feel like I've waited too long to say something without him getting upset.

But what's it there for? Do you actually sleep on it?

lunalaguna — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:37:30 -0800

Little known facts about men My boyfriend was shocked (shocked!) recently when I told him that many women's bathrooms have couches or chairs in them. I was surprised no one had ever told him this before, or that he'd never been in a women's bathroom. (I've had jobs where I've cleaned men's bathrooms, so that world is no secret to me.)

It got me wondering whether there are certain facts about men or common experiences they have that I'm totally unaware of as a woman. Guys, are there things you encounter pretty regularly that a women would know nothing about? Girls, have you ever learned something about men that's both common and surprising?

Should I keep quiet about my professor's past.

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:24:40 -0800

Should I keep quiet about my professor's past? I am in grad school. I have a professor whom I like and admire very much.

He had mentioned working in a governmental job earlier in his career. Out of curiosity and fandom, I was looking on Google to see if there was anything out there about what he did in that job.

What I found was shocking- that he had done some extremely bizarre and illegal (but not violent) things in that job, been criminally charged for them, found not guilty by reason of insanity, and hospitalized. This all took place around 30 years ago.

I am certain that it is the same person. I am also certain that other faculty members, at least the ones who have been around for a long time, are aware of this- our field is small and insular. Also the professor has always appeared utterly sane to me.

The question is, should I keep quiet?

My reason for telling anyone about this would not be that I am afraid of the professor, or to get the professor in trouble, or because I think the professor is hiding this from the administration, or anything like that. It's more that I find this professor very interesting and wonder what my classmates would think of this episode, and wonder if anyone knows more about it. Simply, I want to talk to people about it primarily about of curiosity about the professor.

Also, this information is public and freely, easily available. It's just not something you'd stumble on unless you were looking.

On the other hand, I do not want to shame this professor or cause him trouble.

On the other hand, it has been 30 years, and the professor brought up working in this job with no prompting from any of us. Perhaps it's not a sore subject anymore.

Do you think I should keep quiet?

Great destinations, routes and experiences in and around Toronto.

maudlin — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 10:54:55 -0800

I want to go to there, but I need your advice on where "there" is. Starting point: Toronto. Range: any land within 100 km (60-ish miles) of High Park, but I can go further for something really special. Means of transport: my trusty steed. Time frame: now until November-ish. I'm looking for great routes or awesome destinations, urban, rural or suburban, like the best roti in Scarborough, a tiny potter's studio somewhere in Peel, or a gorgeous path by some body of water that isn't Lake Ontario. I want to go somewhere to do something neat, like picking apples or riding horses. And this is not Torontofilter or bikefilter. I'm looking for creative ideas from anyone, anywhere. If you're from the GTA or any place within reach, what places, routes and experiences would you recommend? For example:

- A great view or nearly-secret thing that few other people know about. I never got around to the secret swing, and I regret it.
- The best [meal / farmer's market] in [area of your choice].
- Galleries are an obvious choice for me, but beyond that, is there, say, a raku studio nearby that gives demos or classes?
- Some place I should go to with my camera or sketchpad, or else.
- Where is a movie or tv show being filmed right now? I don't care about star-stalking, but am curious about the ebb and flow of work on site.

If you're not from around here, what kind of place or experience do you have in your neck of the woods that I should try to find locally?

Restrictions: very few.

- These have to be day trips, thus my soft limit of 100 km (200 km round trip). However, if need be, I can justify taking a train partway to get to someplace great and back in one day.
- I favour free or cheap over expensive, but can justify spending some money on an awesome experience.
- I can carry a fair amount on my bike, but there are limits, so I don't think I'll be furniture shopping any time soon.

Otherwise, suggest away!