Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with secrets

How do I tell my husband about my secret savings account?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 09:37:06 -0800

Before we were married, I set aside money because I thought I might have to leave him. He changed and I stayed. Now we have an emergency and we need to use the money. How do I tell him where it came from? Before we were married, he was sometimes emotionally abusive and I was afraid he'd become physically abusive, so I set money aside in case I had to suddenly leave. It was never a huge amount. He went to therapy, got on medication, and we went to couples counseling. He is no longer abusive and I married him. I love him absolutely and am committed to the relationship and this money is not a safety hatch.

He knew about the account before the wedding, because I used it to save for the honeymoon and deposit gifts for the wedding. He has obviously forgotten about it and I have not said anything because I was waiting for a real emergency (he is not very responsible with money and I did not want him to spend it on things we do not need). I have been unemployed for months and he is barely employed. We are scraping by for now but we are going to have to get some cash fast. I only have about one months rent in the account.

We have been seriously stressing about money lately, so he will be furious if I'm like "oh by the way I have this amount saved up that I didn't tell you about." I am not afraid he will be abusive, just angry. I am afraid he won't trust me. I was honestly not trying to keep this money for my own purposes, I was saving it for a dire emergency, and this is it. Now I feel like I've waited too long to say something without him getting upset.

But what's it there for? Do you actually sleep on it?

lunalaguna — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:37:30 -0800

Little known facts about men My boyfriend was shocked (shocked!) recently when I told him that many women's bathrooms have couches or chairs in them. I was surprised no one had ever told him this before, or that he'd never been in a women's bathroom. (I've had jobs where I've cleaned men's bathrooms, so that world is no secret to me.)

It got me wondering whether there are certain facts about men or common experiences they have that I'm totally unaware of as a woman. Guys, are there things you encounter pretty regularly that a women would know nothing about? Girls, have you ever learned something about men that's both common and surprising?

Should I keep quiet about my professor's past.

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:24:40 -0800

Should I keep quiet about my professor's past? I am in grad school. I have a professor whom I like and admire very much.

He had mentioned working in a governmental job earlier in his career. Out of curiosity and fandom, I was looking on Google to see if there was anything out there about what he did in that job.

What I found was shocking- that he had done some extremely bizarre and illegal (but not violent) things in that job, been criminally charged for them, found not guilty by reason of insanity, and hospitalized. This all took place around 30 years ago.

I am certain that it is the same person. I am also certain that other faculty members, at least the ones who have been around for a long time, are aware of this- our field is small and insular. Also the professor has always appeared utterly sane to me.

The question is, should I keep quiet?

My reason for telling anyone about this would not be that I am afraid of the professor, or to get the professor in trouble, or because I think the professor is hiding this from the administration, or anything like that. It's more that I find this professor very interesting and wonder what my classmates would think of this episode, and wonder if anyone knows more about it. Simply, I want to talk to people about it primarily about of curiosity about the professor.

Also, this information is public and freely, easily available. It's just not something you'd stumble on unless you were looking.

On the other hand, I do not want to shame this professor or cause him trouble.

On the other hand, it has been 30 years, and the professor brought up working in this job with no prompting from any of us. Perhaps it's not a sore subject anymore.

Do you think I should keep quiet?

Great destinations, routes and experiences in and around Toronto.

maudlin — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 10:54:55 -0800

I want to go to there, but I need your advice on where "there" is. Starting point: Toronto. Range: any land within 100 km (60-ish miles) of High Park, but I can go further for something really special. Means of transport: my trusty steed. Time frame: now until November-ish. I'm looking for great routes or awesome destinations, urban, rural or suburban, like the best roti in Scarborough, a tiny potter's studio somewhere in Peel, or a gorgeous path by some body of water that isn't Lake Ontario. I want to go somewhere to do something neat, like picking apples or riding horses. And this is not Torontofilter or bikefilter. I'm looking for creative ideas from anyone, anywhere. If you're from the GTA or any place within reach, what places, routes and experiences would you recommend? For example:

- A great view or nearly-secret thing that few other people know about. I never got around to the secret swing, and I regret it.
- The best [meal / farmer's market] in [area of your choice].
- Galleries are an obvious choice for me, but beyond that, is there, say, a raku studio nearby that gives demos or classes?
- Some place I should go to with my camera or sketchpad, or else.
- Where is a movie or tv show being filmed right now? I don't care about star-stalking, but am curious about the ebb and flow of work on site.

If you're not from around here, what kind of place or experience do you have in your neck of the woods that I should try to find locally?

Restrictions: very few.

- These have to be day trips, thus my soft limit of 100 km (200 km round trip). However, if need be, I can justify taking a train partway to get to someplace great and back in one day.
- I favour free or cheap over expensive, but can justify spending some money on an awesome experience.
- I can carry a fair amount on my bike, but there are limits, so I don't think I'll be furniture shopping any time soon.

Otherwise, suggest away!

Does everyone have terrible secrets? Or am I paranoid?

DueNorth — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 17:42:11 -0800

Does everyone have terrible secrets? Or am I paranoid? I need a reality check. I am recently single...and a bit afraid to trust again. I had one long-term boyfriend cheat on me. The next one was a really upright-seeming guy - very kind, compassionate and seemingly forthright. It didn't work out, sadly, but we're still friends. I recently let him stay at my place while I was away. I don't have a problem with porn, but he had always told me that he found it ridiculous and denied that he looked at it (even though I wouldn't have cared and always told him I looked at it). I came home to find that he'd neglected to erase his search history and that he'd been looking at porn. It was a bit jarring and his denials just seemed so unnecessary.

I realize that my own judgement about men might be questionable, but recently, my best friend and my dear sister discovered too-racy facebook emails left open by their boyfriends, sent to other girls. I've got another friend - a wonderful guy and devoted father - who I know does coke on weekends. His wife would be devastated to know this.

What the eff? These people are all highly functional and nice. I don't get it. Is stuff like this the norm, or a run of bad luck? I don't feel like I have secrets like that. I know everyone has some inexplicable turn-ons they may not want to overtly offer up, myself included, but these behaviours are betrayals in my mind.

Is it the internet age that's just lifted the veil on people's behaviour? I'm scared! Do you guys have secrets like this that would really hurt your SOs? Does it matter, ultimately, if they never found out? I would like to believe that people can be honest with eachother...

how do you tell a secret like this one?

Anonymous — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 08:36:14 -0800

We broke up. Then, I had a miscarriage. It's been several months, but I'm beginning to feel really guilty. Should I tell him? If so, how? (maybe a little NSFW, better safe than sorry) We dated for around six months and are both in our mid-twenties. Overall, I felt like our relationship was a very good one while it lasted. We rarely fought and when we did, we always compromised. We were playful and affectionate in and out of the bedroom. We enjoyed the time we spent together. We got along very well with each others families and friends. We had a deep emotional connection. We loved each other and said so often and openly. I felt like it was the ideal relationship and I was beginning to relax into it completely.

Then, he broke up with me very abruptly via an e-mail. In his e-mail, he explained that he would be moving in a few months time for work-related reasons and that he did not want to put the effort into a long distance relationship with me at this time. Although he would not be moving for several months, he said he did not want either of us to grow more attached to one another when he knew an LDR would simply not work out between us. I replied to his e-mail, explaining that I felt this sort of preemptive breakup was pointless, but that if that was what he wanted, then okay. I chose to believe what he was telling me and accept it instead of fighting it. He wanted to be friends, but I told him I wanted a period of absolutely no contact (no e-mails, no phone calls, no texts, don’t poke me on Facebook, and certainly no face-to-face meetings).

I tried to take the breakup as well as I could. I went out with friends and threw myself into work and creative projects. At first, I made myself as busy as I possibly could, so I didn't really have time to think or see straight, much less deal with my feelings and emotions. Then, I was hit with what I thought was a combination of massive stomach flu and breakup depression. I spent a lot of time in bed and eating saltine crackers.

One day, I started spotting brown. This was very not normal for me and alarmed me considerably, so I called my gynecologist. She explained to me that there were all kinds of different ranges of normal and that I shouldn’t be alarmed, but if I wanted to see her, she was fine with that. When I went to see her, she started by asking me a few questions and in the course of her questioning, I realized that I was very late for my period. In fact, I had skipped a couple of periods by that point (I am relatively irregular, so I hadn’t thought much about it at the time. I was kind of wrapped up in all the stress from the breakup anyway). She explained that I might be pregnant and this brown spotting might be implantation bleeding and suggested that I take a pregnancy test while I was there. The test came out positive.

I was shocked by the news of the pregnancy. When we were together, my ex and I always practiced safe sex. Our birth control method of choice had been condoms. Whenever we had penetrative sex, he wore a condom. We never had an incident where a condom broke. However, sometimes before we had sex, he would tease the opening of my vagina with his penis when he wasn’t wearing a condom. Sometimes this would happen after he had just ejaculated from oral sex. Because of this, my gynecologist thinks that this pregnancy MIGHT have been the result of precome. I had always believed that the whole you-can-get-pregnant-from-precome thing was the kind of myth they told you in what passes for sex-ed classes here in the South, but apparently I was very, very wrong about this.

When added to the very recent breakup, it just seemed sort of emotionally unbearable. I did not know what to do or really how to handle it, but I decided that I wanted to minimize the potential for drama as much as I possibly could. In those first few days after I found out, I only told my mother and two very close, trusted friends about the pregnancy. I was thinking of ways to break the news to my ex when the brown spotting returned. Except this time, the spotting turned from brown to bright red and was accompanied by the most horrendous cramps I have ever had in my life. Alarmed, I visited my gynecologist again. She confirmed that I was miscarrying at 8w3d.

This was literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me and was extremely emotionally difficult. I decided to have a D&C because I didn't want to go through the waiting game of a natural miscarriage. I wanted more than ever to tell my ex what was going on. I desperately wanted his emotional support. I asked for advice from the two close friends that I had previously told about the pregnancy. They suggested that telling him about the miscarriage was probably not a good idea. Admittedly, they’re not big fans of him now because of the way he chose to break up with me. They explained that they felt that his e-mail break up spoke to a pronounced lack of maturity and respect for me. They worried that he would do something to further hurt me at a time that was already very traumatic for me. They predicted he would react to the news in one of two ways, either (a) he would be upset and do something dramatic, or (b) he would not care. Either way, these were not the reactions that I would want from him, so they advised that I definitely not tell him. After all, what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him and the jerk had broken up with me, thus conceding any right to my feelings. At the time, they convinced me. I was very worried that he might react dramatically and tell a lot of people about what had happened. I wanted to minimize this sort of thing. So, I did not tell him about the miscarriage.

Because of all the emotional turmoil going on in my personal life, I went a little crazy. I began to do things that were very uncharacteristic of me before the break up and the miscarriage. I started very heavily partying, drinking and smoking all night long and stumbling back to my apartment in the wee hours of the morning alone to cry until I fell asleep. One weekend, about a month and a half after my D&C, I ran into my ex at one of these parties. We began talking and soon enough, we were meeting up for “friendly lunches”. Pretty soon, the physical part of my relationship with the ex began again and suddenly, I was sleeping over most nights out of the week. We gradually and very slowly worked our way back up to sexual intercourse. Except...when we tried to have sex, I burst into tears. I ended up crying and hyperventilating in the fetal position at the foot of his bed. He was justifiably freaked out by my sudden outburst and he asked me what was wrong. I just couldn't explain to him what was wrong, at least not without revealing the secret. I wanted to leave his apartment and go home to be alone, but he insisted that I stay with him. He just held me for the rest of the night in silence and then we went to sleep together. A week or so later, he moved away. Besides seeing him very briefly at his going away party, I have not really spent time with him in person since the night of my crying fit.

Since he moved, we have cultivated a very close long-distance friendship. He lives about 500 miles away. We speak daily and are very friendly with one another. It looks like in six months to a year I may be sharing a zip code again with my ex. He has alluded to us reexamining our relationship when/if that happens. Because of this, I want to be as open and honest with my ex as I can possibly be. Also, I am beginning to feel really guilty about not telling him. It's actually eating me up inside.

1. Lately, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the person that our potential child could have been, and I am beginning to feel like I owe it to our shared history and that lost potential child to tell him. I feel like my ex has the right to know and to grieve the child. Should I be feeling guilty? Is this something that my ex is better off not knowing at all?

2. The truth is, I don’t know how to approach this sort of conversation with him. I am ashamed of my miscarriage. I feel incompetent and unworthy, like the type of person who loses all the things in life that are supposed to be the most important to her. I lost my ex, a person whom I love very deeply. I do not want to admit to him that I also lost our child. How do I tell him? What do I say? How do I explain waiting so long to tell him? Was hiding it from him selfish of me? I was only trying to protect my own emotions on the advice of my friends. This is the sort of thing that I feel should only be done in person, should I wait longer to tell him or should I insist on visiting him soon to give him this news? Please help me.

Thank you so much for reading this long thing. I will take any advice you guys give me to heart.

Throwaway e-mail at shoulditelltheex@gmail.com

Austin's best kept secrets?

comwiz — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 12:39:13 -0800

What are Austin, TX's best kept secrets? I've been living here for two years, and want to do some exploring/find some unique, but not well know, elements of the city. I'm looking for things of all variety's, whether it be interesting activities, shady/underground events, beautiful views, small restaurants, or anything else you would consider worth my time.

Mary and Joseph, PUT that away!!!

sixcolors — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 18:08:47 -0800

Should I tell my parents (especially my father) what I saw a friend messing with in our living room? It wasn’t anything that belonged to us, of course, it belonged to him. What I saw him messing around with was pretty bad, bad enough I don’t want to name it here.

Last weekend I brought a friend home for a few minutes, because I had to use the bathroom. My parents were sleep, so they weren’t aware of anything that was going on. I told my friend to come and sit in my living room since it would be too cold to sit in my car.

So, I went into my bathroom, and then to my bedroom for…maybe…5-7 minutes total. In that amount of time, my friend for some fucked up reason thought it would be a good idea to take out something he had no business taking out. Something he should never mess with it in a public place, in a car, around children, let alone in my parents’ living room!

Well, I forgive this guy, and just chalk it up to a temporary loss in judgment. We all have those moments.

Meanwhile, my father had someone do something in his living room that he would never approve of.

I’m kind of in a dilemma here. I think my parents have the right to know what goes on in their house, but I am scared of what might happen to my friend if I do tell on him.

I don’t think my mother will do anything, she’ll be a little upset, but I think it will end there. My father, on the other hand, might do something more. I wouldn’t be surprised if he would try to press charges (though I don’t think he would be successful), threaten this guy with physical harm, actually carry it out if he happens to see the friend again, or “ban” me from seeing the friend. I could see my father spying on me to see if I am still hanging out with him or not. My dad is a drama king. What my friend did was stupid, but he is a good friend of mine and doesn’t deserve my father’s potential wrath.

How on earth should I handle this?

Is this cultural miscommunication, or am I being scammed? How to proceed?

Anonymous — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 20:57:59 -0800

Looking for advice about how to handle a cultural misunderstanding...or possibly a scam. Not sure how to reconcile the experience and associated feelings, and especially unsure about how to deal with the situation in the most sensitive and informed way. I met and lived with an amazing family in Mexico recently. We shared stories and spent meals together and laughed a lot. I was looking forward to returning again the next year. A few days after I arrived home in the US, I received an email (in Spanish, but I am not fluent) from one of the family members, "Mary" (mid-30s, mother). She asked how I was doing and then launched into a story. Mary explained that she was walking around with a large sum of money (we're talking the equivalent of thousands of US dollars) and she was either robbed or lost the money. She went on to explain her financial problems, and also asked that I not say anything to her mother (giving the explanation that her heart was too delicate and she couldn't handle such news). Mary never outright asked for money, but her sharing of this info was awkward because we weren't THAT close to begin with.

I haven't responded to the email and I am not sure how to proceed. I certainly won't be offering any financial help, but I feel as though the relationship is now irrevocably damaged. Unless I am missing some nuance or cultural difference in this situation, I think this is an attempted scam. It breaks my heart, because I am now unsure whether its wise to keep in contact with any of the family members, and am questioning whether I should go back next year. I feel especially bad for the mother, if she is unaware of this behavior, and I would hate to lose the bond I (thought I) built with her (and Mary). I also wonder if this has happened to other guests, and if something should be mentioned or done about it? But most of all, I feel as though my wonderful, heartwarming experience of their gracious hospitality has been tainted, and this saddens me.

I have had past experiences to know that I am usually a pretty good judge of character. Mary's email comes as a complete surprise. Can this situation be repaired? How? How should I respond? Would it be foolish to think I could stay there again, or is that walking into drama?

Thanks for any insight on this situation!

How do you manipulate the system?

JimmyJames — Mon, 26 May 2008 15:44:00 -0800

What sorts of code words, specific language or techniques are used in your industry, profession, or area of expertise that can be used to manipulate the system? Or, what sorts of tricks have you found that work in similar ways? Recent events got me wondering about professional secrets, codewords, specific language and passwords. My mother was recently in the hospital with a broken leg. Her friend (whose father was Chief of Staff at a major hospital) explained that when asked how much pain she was in to say "7" because seven was the supposed threshold for the admissions doctor to consider administering drugs.

My good friend called into work saying he was sick with "explosive diarrhea" and was told to under no circumstances should he come to work.

My uncle put added the fact that he is a Reverend of the Universal Life Church to the front of his drivers license and now gets treated differently every time someone asks for ID. These can't be the only time or place that specific language can help in navigating the endless bureaucratic systems of life. I'm interested in the tricks that you've learned in your life to help game the system.

Vancouver on $3.79! Or: treasure hunt help, please!

soviet sleepover — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:47:34 -0800

Vancouver on $3.79 (including tax). Or, help me make an amazing treasure hunt! I'm trying to put together a brief treasure hunt for two good friends in Seattle, as part of a project for sf0 (think: the real-life equivalent of a RPG, except designed by designed to be non-hierarchal and to work under the premise that madcap hijinks, to borrow someone else's words, are a form of activism and effecting change). The gist of the project is that I need to mail a penny to someone.

What I'd like to do is mail a handful of Canadian coins to friends in Vancouver, accompanied by four unexpired city bus tickets, to send them to a great location for a cheap snack (I have exactly $3.79 to spend on both of them, so two cupcakes or cookies are a good bet), then an interesting area to wander around.

They're in their mid-twenties, snarky intellectual types who like places/buildings/etc with interesting histories. One has lived in Vancouver for over five years; the other, for two years so far--so they're fairly familiar with the city. I'd like to send them to some out-of-the-way place (ideally an amazing secret place that abuts a commonly-known location or part of the city) on public transit. I'd also like to direct them toward a cheap snack first--one has a very adventuresome palate; the other likes familiar things.

Via a mefi thread from 2005, I turned up the Goldstone Bakery on Keefer at Quebec (is it even still open?), then a short walk to the Sun Yat Sen memorial garden. I'm only vaguely familiar with Vancouver, so I'm looking for a few more suggestions along those lines!

Sicilia!

Kudos — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 12:14:47 -0800

Spring break in Sicily. Where are some lesser known destinations that you found to be wonderful? Besides all the big sights to see and beaches to hit, what are some amazing and not very well known (as in not in your average guide book) experiences and scenes that you really enjoyed during your time there?

The cheaper the better, and I speak enough Italian to hold myself in formal settings. I would prefer smaller and less touristy places, if possible.

If they say "Don't tell Dad!", do you?

twiki — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 13:49:41 -0800

How much do parents tell each other about the stories/secrets their children thell them? Background first:

I'm a relatively new stepmom - sort of. Engaged and we moved in together early in the fall.

I've known the kids for two years. He only has them one weeknight and every other weekend; I've seen them most of those "one weeknights" for a year or two, as well as occasional weekends together, but we're finally under the same roof as of a few months ago.

The kids: a boy 14, a girl 12.

The girl in particular has really seemed to enjoy spending time with me, seeking me out when I'm in the kitchen cooking to talk about books she's reading, what dramas are going on at school, etc.

More and more, she's also confiding in me stuff that she doesn't want her dad to know - innocent stuff like boys she likes, the fact that she's wearing bras now, etc.

This is all new to me, since I have no kids of my own. What I'd like to know, from both "birth" parents and steps, if possible, is - when the kid confides something in you and says "Don't tell Dad", do you honor their request?

Assuming that it's not dangerous stuff like suicide thoughts, drug use, etc. her dad is 100% OK with me "keeping secrets" from him that his daugher has told me. But I feel very strange about it, knowing things about his daughter that he - her blood father - doesn't even know. Does that make me weird, or is this just a settling-in period and then I'll get used to it?

I'd love to hear how others have dealt with similar issues in their family.

gice me your shanghai secrets

edtut — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 20:42:27 -0800

what are the secrets of shanghai for an expat trying to make the most of his experience shanghai these days is a lot different from the old shanghai, but one thing i think still holds, money still talks. so i have a bit of money, and will spend about 18 months there. i want to know the secrets. not about where to buy a watch, or where the best starbucks is. give me something deeper, something that the normal expat would never see. like underground clubs, or trading, or night spots you wouldnt usually hear about, secret organisations, a way to get good seat at the grand prix, anything interesting. i want to get the most out of my time there.

Esoteric Facts

kaizen — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 12:09:58 -0800

I am looking for examples of secret / esoteric information and facts that changed your perspective on the world or caused you to say 'Now that's interesting, I haven't heard that before!'. For example, this recent thread contained information about ADM that opened my eyes to the subtleties of the sugar markets. A simpler example of the type of knowledge I am looking for are the interesting things that grocery stores do to increase sales. Or the unsubstantiated claim that more people speak English in China that they do in America. I am looking for interesting tid-bits of knowledge that you might find in books like The Tipping Point and Freakanomics. Something your Oxford educated, weed-smoking Uncle might whip out during a random conversation at a cocktail party.

Poetry about Secrets, Hidden Places?

Staggering Jack — Fri, 11 May 2007 19:16:38 -0800

Poetry about secrets, hidden things, hiding places? Lately, I've been making hollow books for gifts. I'd like to paste poems that deal with secrets, hiding places, and the like into the back of the hollowed out section for decoration. Any recommendations for some cool lines? Thanks.

Should I tell my girlfriend I've had gay sex before?

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 15:57:57 -0800

Should I tell my long-term girlfriend (I'm male) that I have had sex with men in the past? I've tried to include all the details here, so this is a long one!

I am 22 year-old man. I've been with my current girlfriend for nearly 3 years now, and this is my first long-term relationship of any kind. We have a great relationship, in which we are both very supportive of each other. While I'm trying to write this dispassionately, I will say that I have grown a lot since we met 4 years ago and I really believe that she's the woman I'll marry. We talk often and communicate very well and openly. Except for one thing.

I have had 2 homosexual relationships before, and I haven't told her this. While keeping this from her is an issue for me, the questions it might raise about my sexuality aren't a problem. I'm quite confident in my sexuality, however it might be labelled (bisexual?). Most of my attractions are heterosexual. I've been physically attracted to men, but never emotionally. While my homosexual experiences were with guys I consider friends and get along great with, they were purely physical. I really doubt I'm going to wake up one day and think, "Oh shit, I was gay all along" -- I think I'm pretty much bisexual. I certainly don't feel like I'm repressing anything or missing out, any more than I'm repressing heterosexual urges. That is, I'm not going to cheat on her (or want to) with a man, for all the same reasons that I'm not going to cheat on her with a woman (although with that added reason that I'm less frequently attracted to men anyway).

I haven't told anyone else, simply because of all the bullshit I might have to go through for something that really isn't that important to me. I truly wish for others' sakes that not being 100% straight didn't carry a stigma in some peoples' eyes, but it does and for me personally, not coming out to the world doesn't bother me at all, so I've chosen not to risk suffering that stigma.

However I love my girlfriend, and while I'm fine with keeping this from everyone else I'm conflicted about keeping this from her. There's no doubt that apart from fearing her possible reaction, telling her would make me feel better. On the other hand, I don't want my telling the truth to make her worried that I might secretly be a gay man who's one day going to leave her for a guy. Her father left her family quite unexpectedly when she was young (he wasn't gay, fwiw) and she's told me before that this has made it hard for her to trust in relationships. Also I think she'd have a hard time dealing with this as she's pretty traditional in many respects. She's never expressed anything even remotely anti-gay, but I think it'd be huge bombshell nonetheless.

So my question is: What are reasons why I should tell her, and reasons why I should not tell her? Have you ever been in this situation -- on either side -- and what happened and how did it work out?

If you're not comfortable replying in the thread, please email mefi.anonymous@gmail.com. Also, I'll reply in the thread via the admins if necessary. Thanks!

By the way, I was properly tested for STDs before we started going out, and practised safe sex in all of my past sexual encounters. Despite this secret, I would never and have never put my girlfriend's health at risk.

I'm sorry, that's classified.

brain cloud — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 14:39:58 -0800

How do government employees with security clearances keep track of which information is classified and which information isn't, when they get asked questions about work that they do? I'm talking about your usual federal or military person, who over the course of their careers might be privy to information that is classified in some way and can't be shared outside of whatever little realm they work in. Let's say they get asked a question which touches on some of the sensitive stuff. They can't go there, so they might reply that they can't discuss it, or it's classified, or whatever.

From what I understand, most of the classified stuff is of a pretty boring and seemingly pedestrian nature. Not really exciting stuff like UFO alien cover ups or who shot JFK. In short, a "secret" is perhaps one boring piece of a much larger and secret-er puzzle, but on its own, not very memorable as being secret. So -- how do government employees who "need to know" keep track of it all? X is secret, Y, though somewhat similar, isn't secret, and Z was classified but now isn't anymore... it just seems pretty daunting to keep it all straight and not something you'd want to screw up.

While I'm at it, how do they know what is still secret (from long ago) and what isn't secret anymore? When something gets declassified is there like, a big announcement, to those who would need to know it is? How is that managed?

(For pre-emptive clarification, I don't mean people whose entire work revolves around them having Q clearances and work for NSA / CIA / etc. and are constantly exposed to the sooper seekrit stuff. For them it's obvious, they just don't talk or they have some kind of cover story.)

Engagement questions! (ring, timing)

Anonymous — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 12:42:11 -0800

Pending engagement questions re: Ring, timing, and secrecy! Alright, so its been almost 3 years, and I want to propose to my girlfriend.

Questions:
-Ring Background: I have deduced that she would like a filigree platinum/white gold ring setting (no simple solitaire bands), and that she wants a diamond (she's dropped some hints and clues over the last year or so). I would like to either get a non-conflict diamond, or better, an heirloom/antique one. Budget-wise, I have no idea. I've made up a number around $3000, but it's kind of arbitrary. We are recent college grads that are about to become poor students in about 6 months (moving for grad school, will have no sources of income for 6-24 months). I make about $1000/month, and have ~$40k stashed away in investments ($ from parents/grandparents), some (10-20k?) of which will probably be used to help support us over the next 2 years.

-Ring Questions: What is involved in getting heirloom diamonds? What should I know? Where should I go (I'm in Los Angeles, but not adverse to buying online, unless I should be adverse to buying online for some reason I don't know about)?
Is there any way to make a non-arbitrary budget for this? Will $3k get a nice rock in a nice setting? How the hell do I figure out her ring size without her knowing (she may own some rings [I've never seen her wear them], but I doubt they're fitted to her ring finger)?

-Proposal questions:
I want it to be a surprise, and I have some ideas for settings she might like (I'm thinking Disneyland or horseback riding, or both somehow [aren't there horses or carriages or something at Disneyland?]). I could wait until our anniversary, which would be nice, but that's 3+ months away. We're planning on going to Disneyland in 1-2 months. Can I get a perfecto ring in that time?

-Secrecy: Who do I tell beforehand? Noone? Our mutual friend who would be perfect for ring-shopping (she's the one who delivered the hint about the filigree setting), but is already depressed at all of her friends getting married when she just broke up with her boyfriend. Parents? Brother?

I've read the other posts tagged engagement

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:51:10 -0800

RelationshipFilter (sorry!): I've become entangled in a complex 'relationship', and I'm not sure what to do... Long story:

In September 2004, I arrive at university. A few days later I meet a very attractive girl who lives in my halls of residence. Over the next week or two we become very good friends and end up spending a lot of time together, watching TV, films, chatting about other friends of ours etc. I very quickly realised I had "feelings" for this girl, oh dear. Then one night I was probably being a bit too obvious and surprisingly she said "Just go ahead and kiss me." Frankly, I hadn't expected that, I considered her well out of my league and was happy at the time to just be a good mate of hers.

So, we fool around for a few nights, but don't tell any of our mutual friends... a few nights turns into a few weeks... still not telling friends. I slept in her room many times (if it's relevant, without sex), creeping out early in the morning to avoid my other friends. I begin to get attached, uh oh. Just before the first holiday she tells me she doesn't want a relationship and we should stop doing things. I feel kinda crushed. I tell her this and end up sleeping there again...

Holiday comes and she phones me all the time, texts and tells me how she misses me and we have long conversations about 'us' on the internet.

Rinse and repeat for 2 more terms.

2nd year of university, we get closer. I still sleep with her, none of my friends know (except one), including my housemates because of our ridiculous "secrecy" thing. We've become closer, she's said she loves me, we've both shared very important things with each other and to all intents and purposes we are a couple.

Yet.

The problem is, and I've told her often enough, that I'm fed up with the secrecy. I want to be able to walk around holding her hand, or kiss her in public (shock horror). Things she'll happily do when away from our friends and people who know us!

She states that she doesn't want a boyfriend and the "baggage" that goes with it. She wants people to see her as single and not part of a couple. Yet she still wants me to sleep in her bed and be there for her.

I'm being taken for a ride, right? I should probably get out of this situation, but again, problem. I don't want to. She's one of the best things in my life, I love her to bits, and yet there's this issue sitting there driving me mad.

Opinions? Constructive suggestions about talking to her might be useful.

Thanks. (oh, and for the record, we're both around 21)

My friends' hs sophmore daughter is going to bars and they don't know.

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 19:25:18 -0800

Some friends' fifteen year-old daughter was recently spotted in a bar. And then it gets a bit more complicated. She's a great kid-- personable, pretty and seems confident. She's very tall and definitely looks 18 or 19 easily, and it wouldn't be a big stretch to say that she's 21. My wife's friend, who knows the girl in question and her family only slightly and through us, saw the girl at a lesbian bar during the past weekend. I initally insisted it was mistaken identity, but the girl's height and distinctive natural hair color make that unlikely. Combined with a description of a top that I saw the girl wearing earlier in the day, it seems unlikely that the source was mistaken. The girl was hanging out with three women who appeared to be in their mid to late twenties, drinking pints of beer and otherwide behaving normally.

Part of me is inclined to say "so what, kids will be kids" and just forget about it. But I also know that it's probably not a good idea for a teen to have peers that much older or to be hanging around in bars.

So what do I do? I could talk to my friends (her parents), but I don't enjoy the role of narc and, to add the complexity of this option, if she is gay she is not out to her parents. She might have been at this bar for a number of reasons, but the venue definitely strongly caters to a lesbian crowd and her folks will recognize it. I can't imagine it being a big deal to them if she's gay, but she should be able to discuss that with them on her own terms instead of as a sidenote to her antics.

I or my wife could discuss it with the girl directly. I have a better relationship with her (I've been her sports coach, I occasionally include her in sports-related activities that I organize, and because of that I chat with her more when our families get together.) But my wife knows a lot more about being a teenaged girl.

Or I could keep quiet. Or maybe there's an option that I haven't thought of. So if I say something to someone, who is it and what do I say? My wife and I both think she's an exceptional kid and want her to be as okay as she can be at that age.

What law protects state secrets?

jackypaper — Fri, 26 May 2006 10:05:01 -0800

What law, specifically, is violated if a government official discloses secret information? For example, if a CIA operative told his cousin about an operation that was supposed to be classified, which law is his guilty of breaking? I understand this is a matter related to treason, but our fictional operative isn't selling secrets to the enemy; he's just blabbering to a relative or friend. I assume this person could be jailed for their actions, but what, exactly, would the charge be? What code, law, or regulation prohibits this kind of loose talk?

Market for cartridge games with secrets unlocked?

vanoakenfold — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 09:35:01 -0800

Videogamefilter: Where can I buy cartridge video games that have the secrets unlocked and saved? I've got Advance Wars for GBA and play it at work (because there are gaps of activity where we must simply find something to do while waiting, kind of in the sense of a fireman, but just sitting at a computer) and this game really makes the time fly -- but I only have the 3 basic commanding officers. I want to buy or trade for a copy that has all the extra CO's unlocked, because I get too frustrated playing campaign missions (yes, even on the tutorials). Is there someone who can beat it that will unlock them all for me, or some specialty shop that sells unlocked games in general?

I've sold games on eBay before with these types of details in the description, like Golden Sun GBA game with characters on a savegame with level 60+ and all the major items.. But is there perhaps a marketplace for specifically this type of deliberately used product?

Retail tricks of the trade

punkfloyd — Tue, 21 Feb 2006 11:49:22 -0800

I would like to learn more retail secrets like this. What else are retailers hiding in plain sight? What are their merchandising / store layout secrets? I ask because just walking into Target makes me feel like...a Target.

mysterious happenings?

foraneagle2 — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 21:04:43 -0800

What are some facts, rumors, and speculation about secretive/mysterious organizations or events? I'm not necessarily asking for conspiracy theories. I am curious about things like: what super-rich people may do with their wealth; what technologies have achieved that the general public does not yet realize or understand; corporate/government activities which are purposefully concealed, etc. Information about the past would be great, too.

Thanks!