Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with scared

I don't want to go, but I should. Help me find a dentist and help me get over my fear.

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:39:03 -0800

I'm scared of going to the dentist. How do I find one that will understand and how do I prepare myself for going to my first appointment in years? Hi. I'm a 20-something woman who is coming to terms with the fact that I need to go to the dentist. It's been several years. I take very good care of my teeth, but I recognize that some problems may develop and that it would be better to prevent rather than fix. The problem is that I'm really scared.

My experience with dentists is not very good. I had a terrible experience with a dentist who lost his temper with me on my first visit as a 4 year old. He yelled at me and made me cry. After that, I went to a children's dentist and they also yelled at me, routinely left me alone in the chair for up to an hour at a time and did not seem to care about my comfort or pain levels. It seems every dentist I've had at some point ridiculed or yelled at me or caused me undue pain or neglect when it could have been prevented. I do not consider myself to be a coward and have been though surgery, routine doctor visits and many other procedures without any problems at all. It is just my extreme negative interactions with dentists that have caused me to stay away all these years.

So how do I find someone who cares? What is reasonable to ask about when you call to make an appointment? I don't feel I can outright ask, "Is Dr. Dentist a patient man/woman who will not yell at or mock me?" I live in a small town and I don't think there is sedation dentistry here. I do not know many people here to ask for recommendations. Is it reasonable to want to meet the dentist beforehand? What about the hygenists? I could have the best dentist in the world, but if his or her hygentist is not also compassionate, then what to do? They seem to spend the most time with patients on routine visits.

Assuming I find the best dentist ever, I also need help in learning how to prepare mentally. I have developed a score of phobias around the dentist. I have an extreme aversion to the grinding of teeth, which usually happens if they are moist and have toothpaste or some kind of cleaning agent on them. I dislike the vaccuum used to vaccuum out fluid and often wish that I were in control or could just spit and rinse it all out myself. I don't like being left alone in the chair. Finally, I also have an extremely powerful gag reflex that is easily triggered (probably why I hate that vaccuum thing).

So how do I cope with those things? Is there anything I can do to get over them or prevent them from happening? Is any dentist going to take those concerns seriously? If I had to rank them in terms of terror, I would put gagging as 1, grinding teeth as 2, vaccuum thing as 3 and being left alone as 4. I don't think I care as much about pain.

I recognize that I have a lot of issues, but would like to avoid therapy if at all possible. I did see this question (http://ask.metafilter.com/114191/How-can-I-find-a-dentist-who-is-good-with-terrified-patients) and it helped, but I have some specific issues I need to address and wanted to know about coping. Please help if you can.

Throwaway e-mail address: askme.scaredofthedentist@gmail.com

TIA!

Scared to death?

ladypants — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 20:11:52 -0800

What is this story about someone literally scared to death? Please help me find this story:

In India, a team executed a prisoner by telling him that he would bleed to death drop by drop, and then instead letting water drip on to the floor. And then he died. Something to this effect.

Somehow it was an experiment about the mind-body connection. And maybe it was quoted by Jerome Groopman (or in another pop medical book).

I recall that it was quoted as an actual medical article with references. Has anyone else head of this article? Could you direct me to it? Anything similar in PubMed?

Twitch cry.

Phire — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 12:43:19 -0800

How can I minimize the effects horror stories have on me? I'm a total scaredy cat. I cannot watch horror movies, or read horror stories, because I don't stop thinking about it for hours and days and weeks and it makes me entirely too jittery to function. I also abhor suspense. Even a cliffhanger ending of a detective show, or something, will freak me out to the point where any small noise or surprise will trigger defensive reactions. I considered The Others scary, for heaven's sake.

I've dealt with this problem so far by mostly avoiding anything in the horror/thriller genre, at all.

Once in a while, though, either through carelessness or curiosity, I come across horror stories, or find myself in a position of watching a horror movie, and I'm a complete neurotic mess unable to do anything else for the entire day, if not more.

Example: I clicked on a somewhat enigmatic topic link on a forum I occasionally visit, because the seemed kind of intriguing. It ended up being a horror stories thread. By the time I realized what it was, 3-4 stories in, momentum had gathered and I was reading all the stories that people were sharing. Twenty minutes later, I click out of the page again, thoroughly freaked out, and can't for the life of me bring myself to stand up and walk over to my closet to find what I need to get ready for an event I had later that night, because there is a mirror in front of my closet.

The problem of horror stories, for me, is the fact that there's really no way to disprove them. I mean, they're entirely unlikely and probably won't happen, but what if! Especially all the ones that involve people being horrific to other people.

So how do I talk myself down from these situations?

it's a LEEP year!!!

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 10:04:43 -0800

I decided on my obgyn last minute, when the one I wanted wasnt taking new patients. My pap came back abnormal and I had to have a biopsy. They found I have moderate cervical dysplasia. I am scheduled to get a LEEP procedure. I do not like my current obgyn and scheduled an appointment with a new one to get a second opinion. I will have to wait nearly a month to see her and then even longer to have the LEEP performed, if need be. Soooo, what are some experiences with waiting? Should I do it, or go ahead and have the LEEP? I have heard others wait and the abnormalities go away, but I'm not sure how wise this is with "moderate" cervical dysplasia? My current obgyn is cold and scary. I have not met my new obgyn but her reviews are wonderful and she is all about natural birth and other things that sound promising for me....

I'm just a silly little girl with grownup problems.

big open mouth — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:16:59 -0800

Okay. I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months, and living with him for 3. We've been having some problems, and I'm seriously considering moving out, so... what do I do? He's considerably older than me (I'm 21, he's 37), and it's causing problems in the bedroom. I moved in with him in part for convenience, but neither of us thought we'd live together forever. Here's where it gets complicated.

He's great about absolutely everything except the fact that we don't click sexually. I try not to make a big deal about it, but if I even say anything it turns into a gigantic fight. It's been getting to me and I'm starting to feel as if I'm too young to be living with anyone. I've talked to him about it once before when I told him that my friend and I wanted to move in together and he commenced trying to convince me to stay. He told me I've got such a great situation because I don't have to pay rent, etc. and was very convincing.

I work two part time jobs but I'm also a fulltime student. If I move out now I'll barely make ends meet, but I think I have to bite the bullet eventually.

Here's my problem... I am so scared! And I don't know why. I think it may be that I'm scared because he wants me to be afraid to leave... as in, he wants me to stay and he's encouraging my nervousness about moving out. I lived on my own before I moved in with my boyfriend and I have two friends who want to move in together, but I'm so nervous! Why is that? I've been trying to wait until the summer, but I'm not sure I can make it that long.

As you can see, I am totally confused. Does anyone have any advice or opinions or... anything? He treats me like I'm a pet moreso than a girlfriend-- he turns me down for sex regularly and actually wants me to gain weight so I'll be more snuggly... It's all so damn confusing!

How do you build trust with a dog that is scared of you?

bwilms — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 06:58:41 -0800

DogFilter: How do you build trust with a dog that is scared of you? History: Greta is a ~13 month old Italian Greyhound rescue. She was picked up as a stray and fostered for three weeks by a regional rescue originization. When we picked her up we were told by her foster family that she wasn't comfortable around men, but would most likely warm-up. Beyond that, they didn't know anything, so there very well could be something in this dog's past that has scarred it.

I am comfortable with the fact that I will have to work for her to trust me. I am prepared to put in the time and effort required to make it happen. If patience is the only real answer, then so be it. What I would like to know is if any of you have had similar experiences with your dogs and if there were any steps you took to help them begin to trust you? Everyday feels like Bill Murray's Groundhog Day - it seems like we make progress and then the next day she forgets who I am. I am afraid I'll never gain her trust. Read on for more.

My SO and I have had Greta for 1 month now. My SO is home all day and has been working on basic training for Greta (Positive Reinforcement). She is generally very receptive to my SO, and will "Come" and "Sit" on command. Greta follows her around most of the time. Here are some scenarios with which we are having difficulty:

We share our bed with Greta. When it's time for bed, she runs in the room and hides behind the bed. As I'm brushing my teeth in the attached bath she'll bark at me. If I poke my head out, she hides behind the bed again. It's not until I am in bed, under the covers that she comes up and curls right up next to me under the covers (regrdless of whether or not my SO is in bed with me).

We attempt to correct her behavior by consistently using a swift "Shhh" sound when she is doing something we disapprove of. This is fairly effective in other areas, but doesn't seem to help the barking. Sometimes redirecting her attention to a "Sit" seems to help with the barking, but it isn't a consistent behavior as of yet.

When I wake up (generally 5:30AM), I sneak downstairs for breakfast. I quietly return upstairs to brush my teeth and she barks the whole time, waking my SO. On my way out the door, I put food in her bowl. She races downstairs and barks some more, as long as she is aware that I am around.

When I come home, it is more barking and she runs away. She does not appear to be aggressive. She seems to be more frightened than anything. I do not approach her directly, but if I walk into the room, she hides in the corner. Once I sit down she stops barking. As long as I am calmly seated and ignore her she becomes interested in me and will slowly begin to sniff and approach me, eventually having a seat next to me allowing me to pet her (at which point I provided positive reinforcement). But a sudden move will make her bolt. If I have a blanket on my lap she can sneak under, this process is expedited.

We have determined that I would feed her, so that she makes the connection between food and me, hopefully putting me in a positive light. However, whenever I put food in her bowl she barks at me, like "get away from that!", but she doesn't defend it. I carry treats so that when she comes to me on her own she is rewarded. However, when she takes them she adds distance between us and keeps her eye on me while she eats it. Sometimes she won't take it from my hand at all and scurry away.

She'll play with me on the floor - mostly tug toys. However, I need to lay fully on my side. The moment I move to a seated position on the floor, she bolts. I try changing my position slowly through the course of play time, but it never fails to spook her once I reach a certain stage of uprightness.

On a positive note, she will walk with me, but I have never done this alone - only with my SO present. I would like to walk her alone, but I would have to hold her to put her lead on and carry her out the door. This would require me to have her on my lap so that she was in a position where I could actually hold her without her running from me. With my SO, she will come to her and allow her to put her lead on while seated calmly. I'm realizing now that I should really try to build a walking routine with just her an I.

At this point, the only "quality time" Greta and I have are: when she sits on my lap (on the couch, under a blanket) and when we're playing on the floor. Otherwise, she doesn't positively interact with me much. I've grown up with dogs and am used to having them excited to be around me. I guess I'm just having a tough time with Greta and want to hear that things will eventually get better. Additionaly, I am trying to figure out how to approach barking in the morning when she "hears seomthing" (me) downstairs. I want her alert and to bark if something catches her ear, but I don't want her to bark at me. On a side-note, we are also planning to take her to classes so we can begin working on socialization.

I spent EIGHT months for you! And for WHAT?!

divabat — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:00:05 -0800

I feel like I'm going through a breakup - only it isn't with a person, it's with an intangible thing. I know intellectually that I'll get better, but it's just been the first few days and I'm hurting so much. How do I heal? Something I've been working on for about 8 months straight has ended for me (not in my favour) and I'm feeling very odd, strange, sick.

I'm going through all the stages of grief, and then some - angry because I spent all that time on essentially nothing, sadness that I didn't get what I hoped for, thankful that I don't have to deal with some people that don't respect me, disappointed that I don't get to deal with the people I quite adored, upset that the disrespectful people were chosen over me, sour grapes that "well if that's how they'll be then I'm glad I'm not going!!", lost because I don't know what to do next, etc etc. All those emotions are piling in the pit of my stomach and they are making me really really nauseous - though I can't throw up.

This isn't the biggest disappointment I've ever had to face. I've faced things of this level before. It takes time and I don't quite notice when I recover, but it happens eventually. There has been a lot that I've learnt through this process, so it's not a complete waste. I know that I'll eventually get better, move on, find something else. I know all that intellectually.

Yet I still can't get rid of all those emotions making me ill. I've got about a few days to go before I head back for Australia, and I'm in the middle of nowhere (parents' house), so there isn't much to distract me. I have a website to make and a few books to read, but I can't even concentrate - I just feel sleepy or ill. My parents are trying to help...but it's not quite working at the moment.

As soon as I arrive in Australia, I have a week-long summit, followed by my last uni semester. It's all work experience stuff so there aren't any regular classes, but even until now I don't quite know how my schedule is like (you have to apply for projects; I'm still waiting to hear which ones I've got. I also arranged them in the expectation that this project would work out and now I have to probably rearrange stuff). I won't be near my comforting boyfriend, or my other usual distractions/stuff that helps, till about the 11th. That's a while away. I'm looking forward to the summit, but I'm worried that I won't be able to concentrate or give my best.

This thing I've been working on was meant to be my next step after uni, and now I have nothing. (Some of my other plans have collapsed too due to factors outside my control.) While I know I still have a few months before I have to think about it, and I don't have to rush into anything, I can't help but feel totally empty and lost. I was counting on this to be freedom, but now I feel just as trapped - doesn't help that my mum's pushing me to get permanent residency when (a) the rules change so quickly (b) the likelihood is rare.

I'm trying to look for other options, but at this point I don't know what I even WANT to do. This massive fall is making me wary of bringing my hopes up. I gave up on a lot of opportunities so that I could focus on this one thing - I felt that if I didn't give it enough attention I wouldn't do so well. Didn't work anyway. So now I don't know what to do.

Is it strange to feel like you're going through a breakup, when you haven't even broken up with ANYONE? I've heard the reasons for what happened and they actually paint me in a good light - but that doesn't make me any less sad. The last time I was disappointed it took me about a month to recover, so maybe I'm just being impatient, but I hate having only my anguish to wallow in. These manic emotions and sickness is driving me mad.

What can I do? What could I do at least for the next few days before I head back to Australia (or even when I'm there, because I'm sure I'm not going to recover THAT quickly even with a summit, work experience, and boyfriend to distract me). How do I get myself past this disappointment and be brave enough to look out & explore other opportunities? Will eating a pint of ice cream help?

(I have gone through a breakup, but it wasn't long and we were back together, and the time in between was mostly spent trying to fix our issues.)

What do I do? How do I cope? This sucks.

Are you really only ever six feet away from a spider at any given time?

birdlips — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 10:05:42 -0800

Are you really only ever six feet away from a spider at any given time? I was watching Law and Order the other night and on there one of the characters said, "You are only ever six feet away from a spider at any given time". I was wondering if anyone knew the validity of that statement? I don't particularly like spiders, I wouldn't go as far to say I am afraid, but I just don't like them.....my wife, however, now that is a different story.

Thanks!

Help me overcome my fears

elquien — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 14:20:51 -0800

How can I stop being so scared? I feel really stupid even asking this question, but here goes. As I get older, I find myself more and more being scared of totally irrational things. For example, the thought of being alone in the woods terrifies me, as does sleeping in the woods. While this probably stems partially from the “normal” fears of bears, getting lost, etc., what terrifies me is the thought of psycho killers/homicidal maniacs waiting in the woods to kill me. Another example: it’s really difficult for me to be alone at night in homes (I live in an apartment, which isn’t nearly as scary for me), because every noise I hear or shadow I see leads me to believe that someone or something is in the home. I am generally a completely rational and collected person, but I can somehow convince myself that every little creak or rattle is a crazy killer waiting for me in the basement. Basically, my brain creates scary/creepy scenarios, and I’m apparently unable to separate what could happen from what actually might happen.

Why is this important? Well, it’s starting to affect my life. I can’t go camping with friends because just the thought of it strikes fear in my heart. It’s very difficult for me to spend time alone at night at my significant other’s house, and I definitely can’t go into the basement. I’d like to own a home someday, but the thought of someone being able to break in scares me to death.

So I guess I’m looking for personal anecdotes or advice that anyone can offer. It’s not so bad that I think I need a therapist at this point (it doesn’t have a huge impact on my life), but I’d like to be able to think less, I guess. How do you address and/or deal with your fears (not necessarily just the ones I have)?

That scary tingly feeling

chiababe — Tue, 15 Mar 2005 13:08:27 -0800

So today, I was driving down the road in pretty thick traffic and had to hit my brakes really hard to avoid a crash. As always, with every adrenaline related incident, I got this very sudden tingly feeling all over, most notably in my neck. What is the physical cause of this? Muscles tightening, increased blood flow or something completely different?