Is it okay if my boyfriend has sleep-overs with Sarah Palin?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:16:35 -0800

Is it okay if my boyfriend has sleep-overs with Sarah Palin? I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I will call him Leopold. His best friend lives about 1.5 hours away. I will call her Vanessa. While they were becoming close friends, the year before he started dating me, Leopold was getting over a bad break-up and most of his friends were still friends with his ex-girlfriend. Leopold and Vanessa soon became BFFs. Because of the distance and their love of beer, when they spent time together one of them usually ended up sleeping over at the other's apartment. When this happened, they slept in the same bed and, by his admission, cuddled.

Then Leopold and I met and started dating. Obviously, a new relationship takes up a lot of your time because you have to have sex thirteen times a day and send each other sappy text messages whenever you are apart, so I put some distance between Leopold and Vanessa when I entered the scene. However, Vanessa was still an important part of Leopold's life. He still talked to her on the phone regularly and continued to plan sleep-overs with her. He later told me he slept on the couch without her after we began dating, because he "knew" this would bother me (he didn't ask) but if he were dating someone else he would still be snuggling her regularly.

Whenever Vanessa called, he would either leave to speak to her privately or offer to call her back when he was alone, because she told him she didn't feel comfortable talking to him when I'm around. Sometimes he would schedule phone dates during which I could not come over or call him because he had to spend several hours chatting with her. At first, I tried to be understanding because Vanessa seemed to have one emotional crisis after another. She had never-ending boy problems and insecurities and needed her BFF to comfort her. Vanessa is also extremely easily offended and if Leopold was tired or grouchy while talking to her, she would throw a fit and he would have to make it up to her. All this seemed at best inappropriate and at worst totally manipulative and psycho.

Another strange aspect of their relationship is that Leopold and Vanessa do not seem to have anything in common. Leopold is extremely intelligent, curious, rational and incredulous. He has many interests, and he is especially passionate about politics. Everyone who knows him knows he is progressive, an atheist, a democrat, and cares deeply about issues of inequality, particularly gay rights and women's rights. Everyone except Vanessa knows this. Somehow, Vanessa became his best friend and these parts of his life just never came up. Vanessa is a bible-thumping, evolution-denying, fact-hating, fetus-hugging, gay-marriage-opposing, college-senior-virgin. Vanessa's social networking profile lists the bible as her favorite book, god and reading the bible are her first interests and her political beliefs are "conservative." She is not hiding her opinions, but Leopold sheltered her from his. Leopold told me a lot about her world-view because he was constantly counseling her when we were first dating. He told me she is waiting until marriage to have sex, but doesn't care if her husband has had sex before. He told me she has a lot of unrealistic romantic expectations. He told me she won't make the first move, obsesses over guys who treated her badly for months after they're gone, and complains routinely that she is lonely and wants to have sex. She told Leopold that she masturbates all the time and her husband will be "so happy" because she has such a great appetite. Too bad there's no way to know if their appetites are compatible until after they promise to sleep with no one else forever! Leopold and I agree, this girl is crazy, but he would never tell her that.

Obviously, I don't like Vanessa. Leopold could tell, so avoided talking to me about her unless to complain. Leopold has never lied to me as far as I know, but because he could sense my uneasiness, be began to omit information about their meetings. Because we spend so much time together, we effectively know where the other person is most of the time. We don't check up on each other, but we let the other know if we won't be able to spend the night or meet for dinner. He tells me when he's going to hang out with his in-town friends, but when he planned on meeting with Vanessa, he always had another reason to leave town and I only found out later that he spent time with her. He really did leave town for the reason he gave, and always said their meeting's were spontaneous. Before I went on vacation, he complained for weeks that he would miss me and be bored to death. When I called him from the airport on my way home, he couldn't talk because he was at Vanessa's apartment, where he had spent most of the week.

Of course I was unhappy about her controlling behavior and eventually complained about it to Leopold. It took time, though, to convince myself I had a right to complain. I was afraid I was being unreasonable. But this girl clearly gets special treatment from Leopold unlike any normal friend. He protects her feelings, hides his true opinions, and used to cuddle in her bed! Because I hesitated to confront him, I had a lot of pent-up emotions and even after talking to him I do not feel entirely comfortable with their relationship. She stopped calling him in the middle of the night. She has stopped insisting he make time away from me for private phone calls as frequently. They talk much less often now. He admitted their meetings were somewhat covert, but insists that was unintentional. He also says I have no right to ask to know where he is all the time or who he spends time with, and I agree. And although I think this girl is nuts and I don't understand why they are friends, he says he doesn't have to justify his friendships to me. I sort of agree with that too.

The distance between our cities along with a series of car problems and severe weather events prevented me from meeting Vanessa for a long time. I suspect she did not want to meet me. She attended a birthday party for Leopold about 5 months into our relationship, but left before we were introduced because she "wasn't feeling well." I think her illness had something to do with being surrounded by dirty, sex-having heathens. I finally met her last week after dating Leopold for about 22 months. This isn't entirely his fault. After a while I was avoiding her as much as I imagined she was avoiding me because I was nervous. I finally insisted that we do something when I knew she was coming to town. Our meeting was friendly and unspectacular. She told me that Pepsi redesigned their logo to look more like the Obama logo, and generally revealed herself to be dense but affable. At the end of the night, Leopold and Vanessa hugged several times while I cringed. I do not understand this friendship. My friends don't agree with me on everything, but we also don't hide things from each other. If my friends thought I was on the wrong side of an issue, I'd want them to say so, even if we had to agree to disagree. I would never censor myself in front of friends, only senile relatives. But I am trying to be understanding!

From his perspective, she is just a good friend who provided emotional support during a bad time for him. Politics didn't come up because his personal problems eclipsed everything else during their first year as friends. He did modify his behavior when we began dating and again when I expressed my discomfort. Because I can see his side, it was extremely difficult to tell him how upset I was, but eventually I did. He thinks he has set reasonable boundaries. I'm still unhappy. Everything I have written here, I have said to him. What I really want, and can never ask for, is for her to just go away forever. Is that as crazy as it sounds? Their relationship may be platonic now, but I feel like she is the ex he never dated. He wouldn't cheat on me. I do trust him. So what am I so freaked out about? Is there anything else I can ask for without being a crazy jealous girlfriend? Can I pay someone to push her off a cliff or offer her a job in Australia?

Ted Stevens International Airport?

matteo — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 07:44:04 -0800

"Ted Stevens International Airport". What happens now? How does the law work? Can they still keep the name?

Make me Sarah Palin

inconsequentialist — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 21:14:38 -0800

Help me perfect my Sarah Palin costume. I am planning on dressing as Sarah Palin for Halloween. I've already perfected my impression and showcased it at a department party/VP debate watching party earlier this month. Right now I am trying to consider the various subtleties that would make the costume keen. I have the perfect black dress suit (may look for a red one as well), plans for the glasses, heels, flag pin(s), hairdo, makeup, etc.

I have also planned on carrying some pictures of my kids "Trak" and "Trig" which will, of course, be pictures of various running tracks and trigonometric figures, and will likely sport something to do with rape kits. I am looking for other things along similar lines to add to my costume, things that are centrally and readily identifiable as Palinesque, and that would be relatively easy to create or replicate and carry around all night.

Explain "Churchy Spice"

ryanrs — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 13:14:20 -0800

Explain "Churchy Spice". It's a nickname for Sarah Palin, but I don't get the joke.

Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sarahpalin

Is it okay if my boyfriend has sleep-overs with Sarah Palin?

Ted Stevens International Airport?

Make me Sarah Palin

Explain "Churchy Spice"