Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with roommates

What's your experience with temporary walls?

emkelley — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 09:20:59 -0800

Help me live with my noisy roommate in a 1BR + Den. What's your experience with temporary walls? My roommate and I have been living together for nearly a year now. The best apartment (location, price, amenities) was a 1 BR + den (no door). This mostly works, although my roommate has been staying out late more and more frequently, and she has to pass by the den in order to get to her room. This wakes me up, I get no sleep, cranky me. I've tried earplugs which are okay but not great. I'd like to be able to go to sleep without regard to noise in our common space downstairs. Right now I have curtains up, which don't do much to block the sound.

The solution that we came up with was putting up a temporary wall. Do you have any experience with this? How much does it cost? How temporary is it? Ideally, I'd like to go to my landlord and say, "Can I please put up a wall? When we move out, it'll look like it never existed." Is this possible? Are there any other solutions you can think of? The key issue is noise pollution from our downstairs common area and from entry and exit of the house.

Currently, the den has a four foot half wall for some partition of the space.

How can I salvage a friendship when I can't be around her boyfriend?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:09:48 -0800

How do I salvage a friendship in an awkward situation? I live in a house with many people. One of our former housemates, my friend, let's call her P, came back to visit with her boyfriend, who she now lives with in another country.

While they were here, P's boyfriend did something that really upset another person living here, call her M. Without going into too many details, M has some mental health struggles that have made her difficult to live with. The boyfriend, while drunk, confronted M about how she has been really difficult, and he really violated her boundaries. Because M is struggling with issues from past trauma, she freaked out.

M's reaction might not be how another person would have reacted, but the boyfriend acknowledged that he crossed the line. He has done other things to make people uncomfortable in the past, always while drunk.

Because of this, mostly at my urging because I feared that I could not trust P's boyfriend when he drinks, which is often, we decided that P's boyfriend should not be allowed in our house again. M no longer lives here, she is elsewhere sorting herself out.

We communicated to P's boyfriend in an email that I did not write. I meant to write to P at the same time and tell her that this isn't about her and I still value her friendship. But because my work was so hectic this week I forgot to do that.

Now P has written an email to all of us in the house, and it's clear she's upset. I feel bad because I don't think I did a good job as her friend communicating with her.

So what do I do now to make amends and try to salvage my friendship with P, especially given that if they ever come to visit again, her boyfriend can't stay here? Even if it's not possible for her to want to be my friend in this situation, I want to do my best to be kind to her and make her feel welcome.

Potential roommate drama?

cheesecake — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:40:44 -0800

Is it a bad idea to rent a room to a friend who expressed potential romantic interest once? I have a spare bedroom that I'm renting out. I'm tired of posting a craigslist ad and interviewing strangers, then going through the adjustment period of living with a stranger.

I have a guy friend who I've known for years who is looking for a place to live. (I'm a woman.) This is a friend with whom I fell out of touch for many years, but we got back in touch last year. I let him crash with me for a week during the summer, and we got along well as roommates.

The one weird thing is that last month we were discussing who I could date, and he said, "I've been operating under the assumption that you're not interested in me. Is that correct?" I said that in fact his assumption is correct. He pushed for a reason, but I refused to give one. We then continued our friendship as normal, discussing people we're both dating, etc.

Is it a bad idea to be roommates with him (thereby spending a lot of time in the same physical space)? The lease would be month-to-month, so I could ask him to leave if it gets awkward. Is it naive to think that he can put the possibility out of mind, now that it's very clear?

Question about roommates and kitchen cleaning habits and finding a happy medium

raztaj — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 08:23:10 -0800

What is a reasonable/normal amount of time for dirty dishes to be left in the sink, before they should be cleaned up? (This is a roommates question) One of my roommates thinks it's perfectly ok to leave dishes and cooking stuff in the sink for a week or more. This morning, I asked him if he has plans to wash his dishes sometime in the next month. To which he replied: "It's only been a week!" Shocked that he thinks this is acceptable, I replied: "that's a long-ass time!" He said he'll do them tonight. We'll see about that.

I clean my dishes daily, usually immediately after using something (unless it's something that needs to soak for a bit), because I don't like a mess, and I just find it easier that way. These are my own habits, and I don't expect others to adopt them.

My idea of reasonable/normal is to not leave your stuff in the sink for more than 2 days. Because it smells, and generates clutter in the sink, impeding on other people washing their stuff. I'm fine with cleaning someone's lone spoon or knife or cup, but a stack of dishes is, I believe, the responsibility of the user. (fyi, we do not have a dishwasher)

The above roommate, per the above conversation (and his noticeable habits), obviously thinks it's not a problem to leave stuff in the sink for a week or more. The rule in our house is to use our own basics of dishes and cooking stuff, but borrowing something every now and then is totally fine. He thus has his own dishes and cups, but dirties them all, using mine, and leaving mine all crusty and gross in the sink, or missing - probably somewhere in his room. I find this gross and very disrespectful.

There is a 3rd roommate in the picture - we both have roughly the same cleaning habits, but the roommate above helps himself to my stuff, because I am admittedly more patient about calling him out on his shit.

Having lived alone and with roommates before, I know that "kitchen habits" vary, are very personal, and are one of the most difficult things to change about a person. But when it comes to doing dishes, what exactly is "normal?" Within reason?

There are other issues with this roommate, and he is currently awaiting his third strike on something unrelated, so we are very aware of his general irresponsibility. And maybe this sounds like a petty roommate question, but my annoyance with him is growing, and I just want to have a better idea of what is considered "normal" when it comes to doing dishes, and general kitchen cleanliness with roommates, so maybe we can agree to a happy medium

Should I confront my roommates?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 06:17:01 -0800

My roommates are driving me nuts; should I talk to them about it, more than I already have? I don't need this to be entirely anonymous, I just don't want it to be linked to my username. This is a bit long, bear with me please?

Some background info:
I live with my boyfriend and his brother A, A's girlfriend B and their recently-moved-in friend, T. We all have separate rooms but share the kitchen and living areas. I'm quite a private and territorial person and frankly, unsuited to communal living - especially with these particular roommates.

I'm starting to resent A and B for their untidiness. I do almost all the household chores as my boyfriend works a lot and everyone else is simply disinterested. They track mud into the house, leave food crumbs everywhere, over-fill the trash with bulky takeout containers and leave recycling (mountains of beer bottles) in the kitchen for weeks. B sometimes has girly beauty sessions in the living room and leaves bits of hair and makeup (staining) on the floor. If I want the house to be clean, it's up to me to vacuum and wash the floor, compress and divide their trash (yuck), wash and take out the recycling and basically pick up after them. My boyfriend and I buy all the cleaning supplies and basically do all the cleaning. They are hardly home/awake at the same time as us so we barely get to talk.

Apart from freaking out my inner neat freak, they also have no qualms about infringing on our space. When their toilet clogs, they'll use ours for weeks while waiting for the clog to "fix itself". They eat our food and take our possessions, from toilet paper to digital cameras, and never bother to replace or return them. Even when I ask for them back.

I think I care more than most about personal boundaries and living with A and B is really stressful for me. My boyfriend is reluctant to move (he has his reasons), but has said that if I talk to our roommates about every issue that bugs me for the next two months, and they still don't change, then we can move.

Is this a really bad idea? I think that it might destroy my relationship with A and B. We're pretty friendly when I'm not seething about the last chore I had to do for them. I try not to talk to them too much about this stuff, basically I ask once or twice and then leave it. My boyfriend thinks that doing this will help me get better at conflict resolution, which I'm not too good at. If I do this, how should I approach it?

All I've done thus far is ask them nicely once or twice not to do certain things. We've had one or two roommate meetings and while some of their worst behaviours have changed (stuff not mentioned above), most things have stayed the same.

Caveats: Remaining on good terms with A and B is pretty important to me. Also, I don't think messiness in itself is bad, I just don't want to live with it, in my own life.

Not a kid, not yet an adult.

Kimberly — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:31:38 -0800

My husband's 18 year old nephew may be moving in with us and I need some suggestions to make it a good experience. My husband's nephew graduated from high school last month and was recently told by family that he couldn't live with them anymore. He has one month to find alternate living arrangements. We offered to let him stay with us with some conditions and I was hoping to get some advice about setting boundaries and also about empowering teenagers to become adults and make their own decisions.

Nephew is a great kid (did pretty well in school and doesn't get into any serious trouble) and deserves some support. It kills me that he is basically being told he isn't wanted by other members of the family just when he's trying to figure out what to do next in his life. At the same time, this is my home and I want to be very clear what living with us means. I also think it's important that he start making adult choices and living with the consequences of those choices.

Our conditions include:
- paying a relatively small amount for room and board to help cover our increased costs for food and utilities. This amount is smaller if he is in college; larger if he isn't. If he doesn't help cover expenses, he will need to make other arrangements within 30 days.

- he is responsible for his own transportation

- some basic roommate stuff like headphones after 10:30 p.m. on weeknights, letting us know if he will be around for dinner, no parties, etc.

I would love some advice about empowering teenagers, some tricks for good communication in this type of situation, some suggestions for modifying or adding to our conditions. I'm not ancient or anything, but I'm far enough removed from being a teenager and even being around teenagers that any experience is welcome. I want this experience to be good for us and him and I do not want to end up being the "mom" in this situation.

Ethical obligation to pay for kicked out roommate's rent?

Anonymous — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 11:27:05 -0800

My roommates kicked out our 4th roommate mid-month without consulting me and have since made several decisions that I believe have prevented us from finding someone for next month. I am not on the lease and my opinion has totally been discounted in this process, do I have any ethical (not legal) obligation to kick in for next month's rent? Let me preface this by saying I realize I have no legal obligation to pay for 1/3 of the empty rooms rent, but I have people telling me that I have an obligation as being a member of the household to help out.

I moved into a 4 bedroom house about 3 months ago. I signed a 6 month lease w/ A. A and B are on the lease. C and me are both subleasers. C is unemployed and has happily lived off unemployment for 9 months making no effort to get a job. C owed A and B over 6 months in unpaid utilities. Then around 11th of this month C's rent check bounced, which was the final straw for A and B and so they told C this would be her last month.

I was not consulted, but merely was told that C was going to be kicked out. A and B have since gotten all of the back utility money from C and will be out no money once she moves out.

Now A is really freaked out about the situation with C and to cover herself she is now demanding that any new roommate pay first, last and deposit, or 3 months rent to move in. When I was looking for a place in our area 3 months ago absolutely no one was asking for more than 1st month and deposit to move in. Many potential roommates have balked at paying that much and it was only recently that A was even open to someone paying the 3 months in installments. I believe we have lost at least 2 potential roommates because of this issue.

Adding to all this is the economy is horrible, we are getting very few responses and no one (let alone someone we want) has asked to move in.

This whole time I have been told that it essentially isn't my ass on the line financially so I don't get a say in kicking out C or the new potential roommate or what sort of deposit we can ask for. Now that it looks like we aren't going to find someone they are now hinting that they would expect me to pay 1/3 of C's rent for next month.

I know I don't legally have to pay a dime, but given it was their bad decisions to both allow the situation with C to go on so long and to wait until mid month to get rid of her, and that I was never consulted (and openly told I didn't get a say) that I shouldn't have to pay. So do I have any ethical obligation to pay? Technically I can afford it and really it wouldn't be a financial hardship on any of us to cover 1/3 or 1/2 the rent for one month. But I'm really annoyed that my opinion, which I believe would have avoided this situation entirely was discounted and now I have to pay

I should say I do like my roommates and our house, but at the same time there are lots of likely cheaper housing options in my area and while I don't really want to move it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I have also actively helped them try and find someone new by posting ads, cleaning the house, and being available to show the room. Actually I've done a lot more than A, but that's another matter...

So do I have any moral obligation to help pay for any shortfall in next month's rent? Should I demand that my 6 month lease be converted to a month to month in exchange for doing so?

Snow white and the seven male roommates

rachaelfaith — Sun, 31 May 2009 17:39:51 -0800

I am a female college student who has decided to live with 7 males around the same age. Help me cope with this radical change and make it through the year without flipping my lid or regretting my decision! I have lived in this 'college house' for the past two years, with mostly females and occasionally one or two guys. Due to strange [and rude] circumstances, my roommates interviewed people to move in and sign a new lease without asking if I wanted to re-sign.

Luckily, the 7 guys they showed the house to said if I wanted to stay and keep my room, they would turn one of their bedrooms into a double.

The majority of them seem like nice guys, though a few have confessed that one or two of their group are hard partiers and troublemakers. Two days in, and only 3 of them having moved in, I'm already balking a bit.

They are noisy, rambunctious and seem like they want to hold parties every other night. How do I set ground rules without coming off like a bitch? Will I likely adjust to the noise level?

I should note that I am generally less girly than my female friends and I have always wanted to live with more guys than girls, so I'm willing to give and take a bit.

Guys, any tips on how to work with this? Girls, have you ever been in this situation? Thanks, all!

To pay or not to pay?

downing street memo — Thu, 28 May 2009 13:58:59 -0800

A few months ago, I lived in a four-bedroom group house. Since then, one of the roommates and I have moved into another place, two months before the lease on the group house ended. We've dutifully paid our portion of the rent on the old place, as we're legally obligated to do. Now one of the roommates is asking us for money for utilities that, of course, we haven't used. My default position is not to pay these bills because, well, I didn't use the electricity, water, or cable at that house, and I didn't sign a year-long contract to pay those bills, only a contract for the house itself.

But I realize that there are some differences between these bills; I think it's reasonable to pay my portion of the gas and electric bill, for instance, since heating and cooling a house is a pretty constant expense regardless of how many people live there. I don't, however, understand why I should pay for cable for the roommates who are still there, especially because it's not like they would have bought a different cable package had it just been the two of them (both are pretty constant TV watchers and web surfers). In other words, my roommate and I are not causing any extra per-person expense on these guys; they would be paying the same for cable regardless. What's more, these guys haven't even attempted to find new roommates, so its not like there's been any action on their part to bring down their costs.

I fully realize that I could be being an utter asshole here - what do you think?

How to deal with flirtly roommate & his female conquests?

afabulousbeing — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 13:43:02 -0800

What makes more sense when trying to deal with feelings of irritation and jealousy towards someone who just so happens to be your roommate - coldness and avoidance, or cultivating a veneer of warmth? I'll refrain from revealing every last detail about the situation, but not too long ago one of my roommates became exceedingly flirty and came onto me all in the same night. I soon learned, however, that his intentions were anything but serious and he basically only wanted me as a fwb. Since I find him very attractive and had already been toying with the idea of having a casual hook-up just for fun, I gave him some pretty clear hints that I would probably be up for that. But before anything else happened between us, we, okay mostly he, decided that we didn't know what we would be getting into, being roommates and all. Thus, it was determined that we would simply put what happened behind us.

Immediately thereafter, he started bringing another girl home with him during the nights, and although I feel that the situation has surely now been resolved, I find myself resenting him for having stirred up my interest in him, and frankly, my lust. Prior to this, I had tried not to think of him in that way, but now it irritates me that he's so blatantly having sex with someone else under the same roof. My plan now is not to dwell on it, and just continue meeting and dating guys who are more mature, if not necessarily quite as hot as the roomie.

What I don't know though is how to handle myself when I run into him either when he's alone or when he's with this girl. He often acts quite friendly towards me, and dare I say flirty, after what happened. Should I protect myself by acting cold and disengaged, or would it be better for both him and me if I make it a point to seem bubbly and care-free? If I didn't live with him, I would be so completely over this by now, but as things are, I'm somewhat worried that my resentment or whatever is going to have some longevity.

I swear I'm not anti-social.

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 09:48:38 -0800

Is moving in with a friend always a bad idea? Are some people just better suited to live by themselves? A friend asked to be roommates for the coming school year. This is a person I get along with rather well and share the same interests in. If I had to have a roommate, this is probably the ideal person to go with. I currently live by myself in a one-bedroom apartment. Rent is $1200 in a college community, so splitting this half ways would be a real financial benefit to me.

The issue is whether or not this is a good idea for the friendship and for my living preferences. The first year I went off to school, I did the residence hall thing and ended up with a dud of a roommate which soured me on the idea of living with someone else when I did get an apartment. Also, as with most people, I like having my own space when I come home and just want to relax after work/school.

As for the friendship, I've heard quite a few horror stories about friends who become anything but once they live together. Am I making this out to be a bigger deal than it should be? I'd really hate to lose a friend over something like this that is purely voluntary. Again, I'm not terribly particular about my living situation, but I can't decide whether the giving up some space and freedom is outweighed by halving my expense (which again, would be really really great).

Like most major life decisions, I think it's best to outsource it to the brain-ey MeFites. Past experiences and general advice for both outcomes are welcome.

Dealing with the Family

Hildegarde — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 05:23:24 -0800

How can a NYC girl survive the death of her roommate? My friend and her roommate (and ex) both have physical disabilities; he is bed bound, she is in a chair. She paid the rent, he paid for everything else. Money is not plentiful. He lived in the bedroom, and she lived in the living room. They broke up not because they stopped caring about each other, but because of family pressure. They have known each other for 15 years.

A few days ago, she called 911 when she saw he was in distress, and she called his family to tell them what was going on. By the end of the day, he was dead. She is devastated. His funeral was on Thursday.

His family has been coming into the apartment pretending she is not there. They are slowly cleaning out the apartment of everything they consider his, including some things that are not. A friend of hers flew in to NYC to help, and has been moving things that are his into the bedroom to make things easier.

Last night, police had to be called because they arrived at 10pm and started accusing her of theft, as things (like pieces of flatware) were "missing". They are angry that his things have been "moved without their permission". It took the police to get them to leave at 3:30am. They will be back today at 9am.

She would like to get on with her life. Currently, his stuff is still in the bedroom, and the family seems to want to take its time removing it, going through everything straw by straw. They arrive at the apartment at whatever time suits them, without considering her at all. She is feeling trapped and scared.

What's the best solution to this situation? Does she have any legal rights? She have no desire whatsoever to take any of his stuff, and hasn't said a word about them absconding some of her things. She just wants to get on with her life.

Not a lot of time has passed, but a lot of nastiness has already occurred. What's a reasonable solution? She doesn't have much of a support network, and the folks who have flown in to help will have to fly back home again soon. Recommendations?

The ultimatum game -- Hive justice edition

kprincehouse — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 01:07:03 -0800

Two roommates live in an apartment. One gets a girlfriend. She moves in. The landlord raises the rent. They can't agree on how to split the increase. What do you think is fair? Details inside. I'm one of these roommates. To try to avoid any bias, I'll do my best to phrase this question in neutral language. All dollar amounts are rounded to the nearest dollar.

Roommates A and B move into a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment in May and sign a 12 month lease. They agree that roommate A gets the master bedroom (larger, own bathroom, better view), and as such will pay a larger share of the rent. For May and June the sum of rent and utilities is $1429 per month. A pays $745 (52.1%), B pays $685 (47.9%).

Roommate A gets a girlfriend, G. She moves in late June, so the roommates adjust the division of the rent. Also, the utilities increase somewhat (more water and electricity). For July through November, the total bill is approximately $1454. A+G pay $857 (58.9%). B pays $597 (41.1%).

Although the lease states that only two people may live in the apartment, it is only in November that the landlord approaches the roommates and informs them that they are in violation of the lease and will either pay more rent in December or be evicted. The rent increases from $1300 to $1400. After some very tense conversations between the various parties, A, B, and G agree to pay the increase. Also, to accommodate financial concerns, they agree to cancel their cable and internet service.

With the higher rent and lower utility bill, the total for December is $1466, a net increase of $12. A+G and B can not agree on a new division of the rent. This is where we are now. Here are the proposals from each party.

Leaving utilities out (which have always been split 50/50 for simplicity), when G moved in A paid $100 more of the rent and B paid $100 less. (With higher, 3-person utilities included, A+G paid $112 more and B paid $88 less). Therefore, A feels that this $100 that he has been paying to B should now be paid to the landlord instead. This would mean that A+G pay $813 (55.5%), and B pays $653 (44.5%). B will not agree to this as it means he would be paying more (if cable service is held constant) than he was when it was two people, which B does not consider equitable.

B believes that the the $100 increase should be split 50/50. B believes this is fair as it preserves the ratio of the total that was paid previously. A+G would pay $863 (58.9%), and B would pay $603 (41.1%). A+G will not agree to this. A+G believe that it is fair for them to pay more to have G live there and that they have been paying $100 more. A+G believe that to accommodate the increased rent, all that needs to change is that they pay that $100 to the landlord instead of to B, and this is fair because the presence of G has not detracted from the quality of life of B so B is not owed anything to "make him whole."

I would be grateful for your opinion on what division you think is fair, whether it's one of the two proposals above or something else entirely. Right now, we're stuck. No one is budging, everyone is stressed. It has seriously hurt and threatens to end what was a solid friendship between A and B. And it's not that much money. It's damn near tragic--but no one will give.

I'm asking for two reasons. First--maybe I'm wrong. If that's what the consensus is, I'll swallow my pride and pay the extra money. Second--if the consensus is the other way, maybe there will be a new argument, a new way of looking at the problem, that will help us find a mutually agreeable solution.

Thank you very much for reading this and for any insight you can share!

Am I stuck with the cat voice for another year?!

iliketolaughalot — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 19:46:37 -0800

AnnoyingAptRentalFilter: I've been in the apartment a year longer than my current roommates. We're all on the lease. We get along, but I can't see doing another whole year in this setup... The apartment is a 3BR in Brooklyn. We're all in our early 20s, recently out of college (I'm in grad school). I've lived here since January '07. Two old roommates moved out, and I found people from craigslist to fill their spots. The landlord insisted that we all sign the new lease, which will be up January 31 2009. That's not exactly around the corner, but it's approaching. My craigslist postings, which I know are not legally binding or anything, said that the agreement was for a year. Still, they're on the lease now, so I believe that legally we all have the same standing, despite the fact that I have been here longer. I also furnished all of the common space. I have two cats here, and one roommate (Roommate A) has one. Roommate B is totally fine. Roommate A just painfully annoying. I know, I should just suck it up and live with it, but it's gotten to the point that I just can't. She talks to all the cats in this high baby voice that to me has turned into the nails-on-a-chalkboard reaction. It's not just once a day, or even twice. It's constantly when she's home. "Kitty, don't touch that cheese! That's my cheese, not your cheese! Little meow meow keep your little paws out of my cheese!" Problem is, this is a personality thing that I can't really bring up with her, because it's just who she is (her mom came to visit and they were both doing it at the same time!!!!). I've talked about it with my therapist, I've talked about it with friends (who, if it matters, cringe whenever they come over). It's incredibly annoying, but it's not something that we can necessarily work through, since, somehow, it's just who she is. Still, it's gotten to the point that home is not comfortable and cozy. I often keep to my room to avoid her. It's been alright, but I really can't see doing this for another whole year. I'm going to be in school till at least May 2010, and would love to stay here that whole time. It's a great apartment in a great location with great rent (and when does that come along?) and, as I said, I've been here a while and furnished the whole thing. Do I just have to suck it up and deal?! Do I have any recourse? Any tips for dealing with Roommate A, AKA cat-lady-in-the-making??!

Roommate he-said she-said results in us being short a quarter of the rent. Help!

malapropist — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 11:30:28 -0800

My roommate wants me to find someone to take her part of the rent, arguing that the people who took over my part of the rent really took over her part. She is threatening to simply not pay. We have one month (Nov) left on the lease. Her name, as well as mine and two other roommates' are on the lease. If she went ahead and didn't pay, how badly would this affect my credit? It's a long, boring, story but here it is:

Up until yesterday I was sharing a 2 bedroom apartment with three other people: I shared one room with Nader, while Obama and Biden shared the other. All four of us are on the lease, which will be up at the end of this month, November.

About two weeks ago, our neighbors were evicted, a couple named McCain and Palin. Nader invited them to stay in our dining room until they found somewhere to live. Right around this time I decided to move out. At first I talked to McCain and Palin about taking over my portion of the rent, but they were tight with money and couldn't commit to anything. So I posted a craigslist ad, but didn't get any luck with someone moving in.

A few days after I started talking about replacing myself and moving out, Nader starts talking about moving into a vacancy in a neighbor's apartment, which would be cheaper than the share she paid with us. She talked to McCain and Palin about taking over her portion of the rent, and for about the last week things have been very vague. They weren't sure if McCain and Palin would take over the whole room that I and Nader share, or if McCain/Palin were going to take over Nader's portion, or if McCain and Palin were going to move upstairs with Nader.

Finally, on maybe Saturday or Sunday, Nader told me that she was going to have McCain and Palin take over her part of the rent, but it was already the 1st or 2nd of the month, and rent is late on the 4th. I wasn't having any luck getting out of the place, and Nader, McCain and Palin hadn't gotten their share of the rent in, so I approached McCain on the 2nd about moving into my half of the room.

He told me he could get me the rent money if I was willing to pay for it and let him pay me back. I was pretty desperate and the rent was only 325, so I went ahead and made a money order (the only way our complex accepts rent) and gave it to Obama, who handles the rent. He gave me 50 on the spot, promising another 100 yesterday and the rest on Friday. I went ahead and wrote up this arrangement in plain English, with both of our names on it, and had him sign it. At the time, I thought I should do this in case he didn't make with the rent money, I wanted to have a paper record.

The next day, the 3rd, yesterday, he shows up with all of the rest of the rent money. He hands it to me, and I start packing. But Nader also starts packing. In fact, she moves all her stuff upstairs to the neighbor's house. By the time I'm ready to leave, she realizes that McCain and Palin are not taking over her portion of the rent, but mine. She gets really pissed off at me and won't talk to me.

Later on in the night, after I had left, she calls me and our conversation soon turns into yelling. She claims that this is my responsibility and that I had better find someone to replace her and in the meantime I need to pay the rent so there is no late fee (because remember the rent is late as of the 4th, today), and that if the fourth portion of the rent (which I argue is her portion) is not ready to be paid, then I should pay the late fee ($50) as well. I told her that I had everything in writing, it was my name on my portion of the rent, and there was a written agreement between me and McCain/Palin.

Nader is threatening to leave the rent hanging, and talking to the management company they make no distinction between my, Nader's, Obama's or Biden's rent, they just want it all in, including the $50 now.

Like I said, all four of our names are on the lease, including Nader's, because even if McCain and Palin had taken over her rent, it was unofficial, they're just subletting and Nader's name is still on the lease. Of course, that is still true of me. And I don't want to get fucked.

Now, I can't tell if Nader would be willing to just filch on the rent if her name is on the lease, but if she did, what would be the repercussions? Would this screw up my credit? I can't really tell from google searches.

I do have a few more people on craigslist inquiring about the half-room that is available, but in case they continue passing on the place I'm really worried.

Short summary: one month left on the lease, I and someone who is unwilling to pay but still staying in the apartment complex (right up the stairs in fact) are both on the lease, what legal obligations and repercussions are there if I simply say, "I got someone to pay my part of the rent, and this is not my problem any longer"?

This is in southern California, by the way. Thanks.

PS: As I was writing this Obama called me and told me that non-payment of rent will result in a dark stain on our credit forever and a bill of $500 due on each of us on top of the rent we owe. Must be in the lease. Sound legit? I really don't know with these people.

First/last month's rent scam?

mudpuppie — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:36:40 -0800

Yet another roommate/deposit recovery question.... The scene:
San Francisco. Rent-controlled apartment.

The characters:
Main tenant -- we'll call her Mary -- who has lived in the apartment for 14 years
Roommate 1, who has lived in apartment for 18 months (and who happens to be my girlfriend); we'll call her GF
Roommate 2, who has lived in apartment for about a year; we'll call her #2

The story:
Mary has lived at this address for 14 years and is, for all intents and purposes, the tenant of record. She has all the interactions with the landlord, pays the bills, etc. The GF and #2 rent rooms from her, not from the landlord. The GF and #2 are not on the lease. In fact, they have no lease.

When she first moved in years ago, Mary presumably paid the full deposit and first/last month's rent based on the 1994 rent.

When roommates come in and out, they pay a deposit and first/last month to Mary. What Mary does with the money, we don't know. Obviously, she should bank the deposit for when the roommates leave, but it's unclear whether she does.

Last month, #2 announced that she was moving in with her boyfriend. She's gone. Mary has not yet rented that room.

A couple weeks ago, the GF was offered an apartment in another city that considerably shortens her commute. She accepted it and told Mary that she would be moving out next month.

Mary is pissed that she now has to find two new tenants.

In the 18 months that the GF has lived there, rent has gone up. Mary is now telling the GF that she must pay the difference between the actual last month's rent, and the "last month's rent" she paid when she moved in. Her reasoning is that she's suddenly without roommates and will incur extra expenses. (My response to that, which is pretty much irrelevant, is "tough shit, Mary.")

I've never heard of this before, and it sounds pretty shady to me. I've lived in places with multiple rent increases, and I've never been asked to pay the difference. Is this normal practice? Is it allowable, even? If not, any tips on how say No, and still get the deposit back?

Do I need to pay rent for an apartment I no longer inhabit? I'm not on the lease, but these are friends.

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 22:04:31 -0800

Do I need to pay rent for an apartment I no longer inhabit? I'm not on the lease, but these are friends. Somewhat lengthy discourse to follow...bear with me. I recently graduated and moved to a new city to start a new job. 3 months into my adventure in 100-hour workweeks, discovery that the job wasn't as-advertised, loneliness, and "this city just isn't me", I caved and asked for a transfer. HR/higher ups, thankfully, have been flexible enough to let me transfer back to my home city. Sweet! The one catch: my lease.

I signed two months ago with some friends from a rather large social group I was involved in during college (and hope to continue to interact with in my new town, where there's a decent-sized group). We aren't terribly close, but I respect them and they've been pretty fair so far in terms of shared costs, etc. Initially, I was set on living on my own but they "really wanted to live together," so I finally broke down and signed a lease that, of all things, prohibits subletting. Terrible idea. I know. But I was optimistic at that point.

Since the first few weeks of my job, I have regularly communicated my anguish and stated that I was seriously considering moving back home, or even quitting. We had discussed the possibility that someone else could move in, but they have very stringent (and I'd venture to say unreasonable) requirements. For example, "I want you to be aware that it may not happen for a few months...it has to be X gender, and someone we know...no craigslist...etc." I (perhaps sneakily - but they didn't read the fine print before signing) found a way to release myself from the lease, so I am not legally obligated to pay them rent. My question is, should I continue to pay nearly $1000 in rent for up to 9 months, while paying rent on my new apartment back home as well? I'm not confident they will find a "suitable" replacement, or even be motivated to try. The living situation is a bit complicated and potentially undesirable to many prospective roommates - we share a 2 bedroom apartment, and I live in a living room partition without my own bathroom. One of my other roommates has said he/she would be fine living in the living room, which would give new roommate his/her own room. I should also mention that I'm leaving and taking/selling all my stuff this weekend and probably won't be back.

Also running through my mind is that they may talk smack about me in our larger social circle. Am I the bad guy here?

Surely the hivemind can help me solve this ethical dilemma...help me, MeFites! How do I proceed? Thanks for any suggestions!

My roommate/friend has no idea how to wash dishes, but he thinks he does, and I'm worried for my health!

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:37:54 -0800

My roommate/friend has no idea how to wash dishes, but he thinks he does, and I'm worried for my health! Quick background: I'm 20, male, a junior in college, and I'm living in a 5 person house off campus this year.

My friend doesn't know how to wash dishes. Seriously. But, he offers to wash them all the time, and it scares me. This is his idea of cleaning something:

1) Turn on the cold water (seriously, he'll move the faucet all the way to the right)
2) Put *some* soap on a sponge.
3) Swish around the water a bit, lightly rubbing the plate/pan/whatever
4) Pour out excess water, place in drying rack. He does not rinse. He even leaves soap bubbles on the pan!

It boggles my mind how he thinks this is clean. Seriously, how can you leave soap bubbles on something and think you've cleaned it? Because of his bad ability to clean dishes, just about every other time I grab something to eat off of, I have to rewash it.

I even saw him today take a spatula out of the sink, that had been sitting there all day and just wipe the egg off of it with a towel, and then he used it. It's ridiculous.

So, now the real question--how do I tell him that he's washing everything wrong? I've dried dishes as he's washed them before, and I've handed back ones that still had soap or food on them, but he doesn't seem to get it. He's one of those people that gets offended if you criticize him on something like this, something he should know, but clearly doesn't.

The really passive-aggressive answer would be to put up some kind of sign above the sink stating how to clean dishes. Clearly, this isn't the best idea.

I was thinking of, next time I send a message to the entire house (usually through Facebook, our normal means of communication), I could just include something like "I've noticed some dishes aren't getting clean, can everyone make sure to use hot water, lots of soap, scrub hard, and rinse?". We're never really all together at once, so doing it via a message might be easiest, and it won't seem like I'm singling him out. This still seems a bit like I'm avoiding the confrontation, though I really don't know how that would go.

I *wish* I had the problem that he never did his dishes, because then at least I would know they would be clean when I washed them :).

Just to note: I'm not being a clean freak and overreacting to the dishes not being pristine. He literally has left food chunks on the plates, and, like I said, soap bubbles are still on them when they go to the drying rack.

What do I do?

How do we pay for this mistake?

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 16:02:57 -0800

AskMe the Ethicist: how do we divide this plumbing bill among 3 roommates (or am I a jerk for not wanting to split it evenly) We are three roommates.

One of us (the one who is a relatively recent arrival to the US) flushed a bowl of stew--containing pork bones--down the toilet, creating a massive plug and a $200+ plumbing bill our angry landlord won't cover, for obvious reasons.

If we divide it equally by 3 (the flusher apologized via email for a "bad decision" but hasn't mentioned or offered to take financial responsibility), I'm $80 in the hole I didn't budget for, for someone else's mistake. This is a lot of money for me.

However, the flusher hasn't been around to talk to since this happened, and the other roommate is hesitant to ask her to help defray the cost....we are all nice people trying to be nice, but if she hasn't offered to pay more than a third, is it bitchy to ask? Should I let it go in the interests of peaceful domestic relations? I honestly don't know. I don't want to create hard feelings or be "the bad guy", but again, it's a real chunk of change-- I don't normally spend that much ever, unless it's a bill, due to the frugal way I've had to live the last few years.

On the other hand, a comfortable, friendly living environment is important to me as well.

I'd write Randy Cohen but I suspect the turnaround here will be faster.

Help! I need a hand finding an apartment in DC for 3 people all about to commute in different directions.

decrescendo — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 09:39:15 -0800

Help! I need a hand finding an apartment in DC for 3 people all about to commute in different directions. I need to find an apartment in DC for 3 people. 2 bedrooms/1 den/2 bathrooms or 3 bedrooms/2 bathrooms will work.

One of us is commuting up the red line to Van Ness. He is willing to pay between $900 and $1000. My other roommate is going to commute to Suitland, MD way down south on the green line and he said he's willing to pay up to $1200. I am commuting to Crystal City, VA on the blue/yellow lines and I could theoretically pay up to around $1500 if I had to. I'd rather not pay that much more than my roommates though. I'm not about to pay their way. $900 + $1200 + $1300 = $3400. I think we could swing around $3400. Maybe a little more if the place was amazing.

We are thinking NW DC would be our best bet; somewhere around Dupont Circle. It seems that this is a good common location for these 3 different commutes. However, we could be persuaded to look into another location. U St/Adams Morgan/Columbia Heights/Mt Pleasant and even Arlington/Clarendon could be options. We all want a walkable area without living in the ghetto, naturally. The green line seems a bit shady up north. However, red line is damn expensive.

Where do you think is best for this amount of money/amount of people/type of commutes? Specific websites for help and specific apartment complexes would be greatly appreciated.

I'd love to find a rowhouse but they seem to be so hard to track down. They seem to come and go so quickly that it's hard to find them when I'm not living in DC yet. They are also pretty damn pricey.

Thanks for the help.

Transferring a name off of a shared lease?

adamk — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 16:29:32 -0800

Los Angeles Housing Filter: Three names and signatures on our lease. One person wants out, and to substitute another individual in his place. Any experience with who typically needs to consent here? Leaving Person + Landlord? All Tenants + Landlord? Yes, we may need a lawyer, but we're still being civil enough not to call in the big guns, and any advice/resources provided here may be sufficient. Consider this a follow-up to this post. We may need a lawyer, but we've agreed to try to settle this among ourselves before taking that step. Online searches haven't given me the answers that I'm looking for.

A roommate ("Mike") has decided that for personal reasons he can no longer live with us, and wants to find someone to take over his responsibility on lease (9 months left), on which all 3 of us are jointly and individually responsible for everything. This would be an official change of the lease, as subletting is not permitted. The rest of us ("Dan" and I) are cool with the idea, provided Mike works with us on the matter and we get to help select the person and retain veto power.

Mike claims that he will give us a short amount of time to be involved in the process, at which point he will pull the trigger and transfer his responsibility to the first interested party who can handle it financially, even if we don't like the person or want to spend the next 9 months sharing a house with him or her (note: we have no intention of deliberately blocking a reasonable candidate just to make things difficult)

I guess the broad question is "Can he even do that?". If he somehow got the landlord on his side (I'm not sure they'd go for it), could someone be subbed in without all of us signing off on it? I'm no expert, but that sounds fishy. Can anyone provide any related resources or anecdotes?

I'm in love with my roommate

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 08:02:25 -0800

Study abroad roommate-love 101! Help me detach! Right now we are living alone together, but with separate rooms. There are more roommates, but they are on vacation. Two weeks ago when I moved in we became fast friends. We spend hours and hours talking together, cooking, gardening, and sharing drinks. I told myself that it would be bad to fall for him, given that he doesn't speak my language natively and well...because my mother always warned me about men who look like models. Last night we were hanging out together, but later he went to a bar that requires a membership (long story, but it's like an American frat) and this morning I found new women's shoes by the doorway.

Wow, I just became totally distraught when I saw them and realized how far I've fallen for this guy. I'm in a strange country where I don't know too many people and before I left my boyfriend and I broke up... so I'm pretty vulnerable. I guess this guy never made it seem like we were more than friends and he is great, so I want to stay friends. But right now I'm miserable and I literally feel sick. How can I stay sane with this sort of thing?

Removing the smell of smoke from apartment?

spacesbetween — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 09:02:49 -0800

Any tips or advice on how to remove the smell of smoke from an entire apartment? Roommate left a pot of boiling eggs on and forgot about it, am I in the clear if I ask my roommate that caused the problem to pay for it? So my roommate was cooking late last night and ended up falling asleep while leaving the stove on with his hard boiled eggs. It was only due to the smoke detector that I managed to wake up in the middle of the night and found the entire apartment filled with smoke, thankfully there wasn't any fire but the place took an hour to clear of the smoke.

I noticed just how bad it was this morning when I went outside for some errands and came back inside. I don't think there is no amount of febreeze that could stop the smell.

I'm thinking we would actually need to do professional cleaning? Am I right to ask him to pay for all the cleaning? I know if we don't clean this we would end up losing our deposit and probably paying extra to get the smell removed anyway..

Thanks for your input or opinions.

Anyone got a room for rent in Fullerton, CA? How 'bout advice on said subject?

malapropist — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 05:36:18 -0800

I live with my parents, and I'm searching for a place to live for the first time. Somewhere near Cal State Fullerton. A question about credit checks, and how to improve my search. Last week, I posted an ad on Craigslist in an attempt to assemble three other people to find a 2 bedroom with. Unfortunately, it seems like some kind of catch-22; the roomies want you to have an apartment already, and the landlord wants you to have the roomies already. I've found a couple of people who were down to move in, one for as long as 72 consecutive hours. Unfortunately, they keep finding their own rooms to rent. Does this approach (the "find people to find an apartment" technique) often work?

I found a place that meets most of my criteria, though as the search wears on I'm finding my criteria less and less important. The landlord will be telling me today whether we passed the credit check, but big whoop because the other two roommates who submitted applications/credit check money have moved on. The landlord was firm on getting all of us to submit our applications together, no incremental submissions as I gathered roomies. So now I'm wondering just what it is that the landlord receives. Does he get a credit report, or just a number? Is it for all of us with no distinction between us, or is it three reports, one for each of us? If mine is okay (which it should be) but the other two were not as good, what's the likelihood of him allowing me to try it again with different roommies? If that were the case, would it be reasonable to have to pay for another credit check for myself? Would he even tell me if I asked whether it was my credit personally that was the problem? If it helps, this is a little four-plex with a single owner, not a large development or prop mgmt company.

Also, if anyone has general advice about finding a place to live, at the beginning of the school year, near Cal State Fullerton or Fullerton JC (which is where I'm attending this fall) in general, please. I'm getting desperate here. What's a good alternative to Craigslist? Roommates.com seems a bit stale.

BTW, I found myfirstapartment.com here on AskMe, and it was a big help. Thanks guys!

how to deal with a deadbeat roommate and angry landlord?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:27:14 -0800

[nyc] my roommate is a few thousand bucks behind on rent, our lease is up at the end of august, and my other roommate and i are both very worried he's not going to give our landlord everything he's owed before then. are there any ways for the two of us who are square with the landlord financially to avoid getting massively screwed by this (in the legal system + credit records) other than us ponying up his share? and yes, i know you are not my lawyer! thanks in advance for any suggestions and advice you guys can offer.