Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with roommate

Let's be friends, not roomies.

wild like kudzu — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 12:40:14 -0800

So, I want to move out of my apartment. I'm going to try to do things right, and I'm not trying to screw over my roommate (we have about 4 months left on the lease). It's a somewhat delicate situation, unfortunately there is (a lot) more inside... (sorry!) For anyone who has followed my posts regarding roommate drama, you'll know that I've had difficulty communicating with my roommate since we moved in. We fight once every month or once every other month. Usually it's over something incredibly minor, and it usually results in me getting a prolonged silent treatment from the dear roomie, regardless of the issue.

So... I feel like I've grown up a lot. I have tried to let every annoyance and inconvenience go that I possibly can. That's not to say that I forgot about them, but I've really tried hard to just deal with them on my own and not make them into a big deal because I just can't handle the way she talks to me when we discuss anything important. She usually raises her voice, and has been known to slam doors and then avoid me. It's all a big hassle, so I try to just let things go.

Well, that tactic has worked in that there have not been any significant arguments in a while, and on the face of things we seem to be getting along fine...

Except that there is a difference this time around. Usually I just apologize profusely for anything I could have possibly done wrong and try to get back on better terms. I'm still being nice, but this time something inside of me has shifted. I'm no longer worried about what she thinks of me, but I've become increasingly frustrated by the lack of respect she treats me and our apartment and things with.

I'm not writing this post to try to demonize her, just to explain that we're simply not getting along. I'd love to sit down and hash everything out with her, but according to her everything is always "fine". Well, fine it may be, but in the long run our relationship has become really unfair and one-sided. I do all the work, she does all the partying. I buy all the household supplies, she uses them. She leaves her stuff wherever, and I keep the apartment tidy.

I just feel... it's unfair. I feel like my efforts are wasted, that no one appreciates the work I've done, and when I've asked her for help with these things it never ends up happening and usually results in a stupid tiff that drives me batsh*t crazy with anxiety. Basically, I think I give up.

So, that being said, here's the meat of my question:

I have friends who have an open room in their house. I've known both of them for a while, and they've been living with each other for about 3 months. Since before they moved in, they asked me to live with them. I would love to. Their house is an upgrade in just about every way (about $150 cheaper a month, closer to school, they're both students so they keep hours more like mine (I go to bed at 11 and up at 8, my roommate goes to bed at 5 or 6 AM and wakes up around 4pm), there's a washer and dryer, it's prettier... the list goes on) and it seems perfect. I had been planning on waiting till our lease was up in April to move in with them, but as time has passed I've realized I don't think my situation here is going to improve much.

So, that being said, my roommate's best friend just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She's right now crashing with friends, looking for a place to live.

I thought, "perfect!" because the timing could work out just exactly right. I could move within the month, and her best friend could take my place.

So.... given that my roommate is prone to fits of anger and can be incredibly sensitive when it comes to interpersonal discussion, I'd like to break the news in a peaceful and kind-hearted way.

It would seem that everything would fit together so perfectly, but I'm afraid that my roommate's recent disagreements with her friend may dissuade her from this change.

So I'm thinking that I should just say "Hey, I think I've come up with a solution to your friend's current living situation. My friends have a great room available for me, and the new place would be easier to afford and more convenient for me anyhow. Since I've paid December rent, I'm going to start working towards moving out by January 1st, and find someone to take my room. It seems perfect that your friend would move in, but if that's not to your liking I will put an ad on craigslist and start interviewing people"

I'm worried that, A, she's going to be upset. I don't want to be mean, just to make my life a little more livable. I'm also worried that if she doesn't want to live with her friend it's going to become a huge, drawn-out process of looking for a roommate-- I'm afraid that every potential roomie will be shot down, and I'll end up paying the rent for months.

I really don't want to lose her as a friend, but it doesn't seem that I can really avoid it.

Ugh. Any advice? Thanks for reading!

Help me Salvage this Friendship, or End It.

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:19:59 -0800

Help me be a better friend, or help me choose not to. Tons of details follow. The situation: Former Roommate moved out, leaving me and Other Roommate with a spare bedroom we are in the process of filling. Former Roommate and I have known each other for a few years, but weren’t particularly close until recently. While we lived together, we’d go shopping, cook meals, or have a few drinks after work. I think we were both sort of excited to realize that we were becoming friends.

I was out of town for several months, leaving her and Other Roommate alone with a subletter or two. During that time, Former Roommate made the decision to sign a lease on a one-bedroom apartment a few blocks away. This seemed like a really positive step for her- she said she was looking forward to more time alone, space to herself, and living more like an adult on her own terms. Hooray for her! It was a tough choice and I applauded her for making decisions that would improve her quality of life.

Since she moved out about 6 weeks ago, interaction between me and F.R. went down to about once a week- shopping or dinner mostly. She’s been unemployed for a while now, though money is not really a concern for her. I think the sudden lack of basic daily interaction with roommates combined with the absence of a set schedule to her day is driving her a little nuts. She’s become really needy, and I don’t know how to handle it.

Our interactions have become really one-sided. Every time I see her now, she’s ready to spew out a list of complaints and gripes on friends, family, job prospects, etc. I’ve tried to help her work through her problems, but it’s becoming clear to me that she takes no responsibility for her actions. Suggestions for improving a given problem are met with “No, I just think it’s a hopeless situation- everyone ignores me anyway,” or “I don’t think that will work, so I won’t try it,” or “it’s always been that way, so I just have to resign myself to it.” I’m not sure if she’s even listening to me, or considering that I’m trying to help. These conversations are insanely frustrating to me, and I frequently give up on trying to help and instead focus on redirecting the conversation back to neutral territory.

It’s gotten to a point where I dread seeing her. I’ve left early some nights when it’s gotten too much. I’ve brought other friends along to dinner, hoping that the addition of another person would compel her to stop being so self-centered. No dice. She’s become an expert at hijacking a conversational thread and redirecting it back to her own problems, though I’m not even sure she’s doing it consciously. Events involving alcohol are becoming embarrassing- she’s drinking too much and keeping up a constant monologue on her complaints, interspersed with shouts of “Nobody’s listening to me!”

So here’s my problem. Our friendship is still pretty new, and was built around very low-key daily interaction when we shared an apartment. My history with friend-making in general is not one of being a confidante or a shoulder to cry on. I’m not used to this role, though I have long felt like I ought to be better at those things. For that reason, I’ve been trying really hard to stick it out. I don’t have enough history on her to know if this is a tough transitional phase, or if this is just how she is with friends who aren’t her roommates.

Should I confront Former Roommate, or just keep dealing with it until things improve for her, or should I give myself permission to end this friendship? I feel like confronting her would just add to her litany of hopelessness. I feel like avoiding her would be cowardly. What should I do?

Posting anonymously, so if you need to contact me use shouldistayfriends at gmail

Stuck in the dreaded “friend zone”!

RandomGradStudent — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:55:15 -0800

So as fate would have it, I am sharing an apartment with a girl that I am very attracted to. And now it seems as if I've been perma-friended. (For the sake of discussion, lets forgo the “dating roommates is a bad idea” discussion.) Roommate: Female grad student from China in her late 20s. Never left home through college and graduate school, until she came to the United States and became my roommate. Never dated, let alone had a boyfriend. Currently single.

Me: Late 20s male grad student. Never dated.

Goal: Establish a long term romantic relationship with aforementioned roommate.

We have a very good rapport, and have high opinions of each other.

The problems: 1) Lack of relationship experience on both of our parts (and potentially the cultural barrier as well) makes it hard to subtly suggest that I am interested in her. In addition, many of the subtle "I'm interested in you" signals simply aren't available anymore. We frequently treat each other to dinners, cook for each other, take over chores, buy things for each other (i.e. flowers, geek toys, etc).

I suppose I could man up, and directly ask her, except...
2) Since she has no car and we live in a public-transit black hole, she's rather dependent on me to get to the grocery store, medical appointments, and such. If she's not interested, bluntly bring up the issue would make life very awkward and difficult for her, very quickly; more so than the average "roommate relations went sour" scenarios.

Moving out is out of the question; when I brought up the possibility of moving, she assumed that she'd move with me and started giving input on what “we” should look for in a potential apartment. Staying this way indefinitely is not an option; eventually she'll fall for somebody, and I don't want to be that "awesome roommate" who spent all weekend helping her move her stuff into her boyfriend's place.

The geek solution of googling for the answer has failed, so I'm turning to you, the MeFites: How the hell do I get myself out of the friend zone?

Housemate doesn't clean up after himself. Help.

dunkadunc — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:58:24 -0800

My housemate doesn't clean up, like ever. How can I do to make things work, or at least more bearable? I've been sharing an apartment since the beginning of September with an old acquaintance, and everything's been going well enough. EXCEPT:
My housemate doesn't help out with the cleaning. Every day I come home to even more mess, and it's starting to really bug me.

Some background here: My housemate and I are both 23, male, and college seniors. We went to high school together but lost touch after graduation. I was looking for a housemate for an apartment I found this August, and a mutual friend said Housemate (whose mom died last year) was looking for a place as well. We signed a lease, moved in and started school, so far so good.
The first hint I got that Housemate wasn't very good at cleaning was about a week in when he asked me what "rinsing" dishes meant. Since then, he's remained pleasant, but the amount of housework he's done has gone from little to almost none.

The main problems:
-His dishes stay dirty in the sink either until I wash them or there are no more clean ones, whereupon he washes a dirty one, uses it, and puts it back in the sink. The same thing goes for pots and pans. I can count the number of times he's washed all the dishes in the sink on one hand, and even then they've come out covered in brown curry grease and needed to be washed again.

-When asked to wash his dirty pots and pans that were filling up the sink, Housemate was surprised that I would want them to be cleaned even if I wasn't immediately going to use them. Housemate said that he would wash them before he needed them again "only as a favor". He cooks about four gallons of curry every two weeks.

-Although he was willing to split the cost of a $50 vacuum cleaner, the only time he's picked up a broom was when he broke a glass. He's been leaving brown greasy globs of curry on all the kitchen surfaces and covers the floor in oil when he cooks. All these problems with cleaning up have carried over to the bathroom as well.

Apart from all this, he's been a decent housemate, asking if I want to watch cartoons or split a pizza or whatnot, or coming out to parties with me.
I've talked to him about washing dishes and cleaning up around the apartment, and he's always said "sure"- the problem is it doesn't end up happening. He tends to drink beers and watch cartoons when he's done with schoolwork and doesn't have anything to do, so it seems like a combination of procrastination and just not knowing how to run a household: his mom used to do all the housekeeping.

What can I do to encourage him to do his share of housework, or failing that, what can I do to minimize the amount of mess I have to deal with? Ideally, we would clean up after ourselves, and if someone else missed something then the other would clean it, no problem.
I don't want to be that passive-aggressive guy, but something's got to change, since I'd like to be able to have guests over without feeling embarrassed. I'd be tempted to only clean up after myself, but I'm afraid the apartment would be taken over by maggots.

Why can't I give it a rest, already??

wild like kudzu — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:01:06 -0800

So, as some of you may remember, I have a roommate. Usually we get along great, but we bicker about once every two months and every time we do it triggers all sorts of anxiety for me. I'd like to hear some advice from people who have similar issues. It seems that no matter what I do we inevitably argue over something small and insignificant at least once every couple of months. I don't even bring up the things that bother me most of the time (like 99% of the time) because I've realized that, as an inherently anxious person, our fights trigger all sorts of bad feelings in me. I've realized that peace and harmony in my home is far more important than being right, or even feeling that everything in our relationship is fair.

I try to let the small things go whenever I can, and try to be really receptive to any issues she has with me. Here's the thing, though, she doesn't seem to like to talk to me. So, she ignores me. And I implode emotionally.

I know that this is something I'm going to need to address and deal with, because people will give me the silent treatment from time to time. It sucks worse because she and I live together and we usually get along so famously, but I know this is something that should not be ruining my life.

I can't force her to talk to me, but this leaves me completely in the dark as to what I've done (if anything). It seems like these phases never end until I muster up the courage to confront her and openly apologize for being alive (it feels like that, anyway). She's giving me the cold shoulder right now, and though she's exchanging pleasantries with me like hello and goodbye she hasn't asked me a single thing about my life or tried to be at all friendly.

I'm trying very hard also not to repeat my past reactions, which were absolute panic and an overwhelming desire to "make things right" by bringing her peace offerings and begging her to speak with me. It seemed like those things never really worked all that well and just prolonged the suffering. If and when they did bring tensions to an abrupt halt, I felt that the result was that I looked like such a weak person, and she always feels she's in the right.

I want to be strong enough to let her be in her foul mood, and do those things which I find insulting (like locking her door while I'm in the apartment... hello, what is she thinking, that I'm going to break down the door and attack her with a kitchen knife?) and which put me into a state of absolute panic.

My palms sweat when I hear her coming home, my chest feels tight, my instinct is to retreat to my room, lock MY door and blast music until she leaves again.... I know these are bad coping mechanisms and, though I'm young now, I know that being under this much stress is hard on my body. My mother developed a stomach ulcer form stress that very nearly killed her when I was young, and I definitely don't want to go down that path. I want to learn how to deal with it when people are distant and cold to me so that I'm not always fighting this ridiculous anxiety.

This time I can't think of a single thing I could possibly have done wrong, and since the fighting started I've been mostly in my room, keeping the house clean, even offering to make her dinner tonight. I just want things to be normal, even if we're not excessively friendly. I asked her via text if I had done anything to bother her, and her lack of response is driving me NUTSO.

I know this is irrational, and I know there's not much I can do to make sure everything is A-ok, but does anyone have suggestions for curbing my anxiety? So far I've tried journalling, being out of the house, drinking... all to no avail.

It also may be relevant to note that these days she has been smoking quite a bit of pot and has been periodically fighting with both her family and boyfriend. I know she vacillates between the three main people in her life (her boyfriend, her best friend, and myself) and so I should probably just relax because there's a very good chance that there's more going on beneath the surface, and she inevitably comes back around to whomever she's fighting with at the moment.

Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but I just need to give it a rest! Anybody have any suggestions? I'm not asking you to decipher the situation, more to advise me on how to control my anxiety. Also, I know, YANMT, YANMD.

Help me get rid of an unwanted guest

Anonymous — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:34:44 -0800

I'd like to know how to deal with an unwanted "guest" living in an apartment that I'm paying rent for. This is my situation:
I am renting an apartment with my ex-boyfriend, Mark (both our names are on the lease). I am no longer living there but I am continuing to pay half of the rent. Mark found someone to move into my old room and began collecting money from this person. Mark lied to the new roommate about the amount of rent and bills and ended up charging him over 50%. This was in addition to the 50% that I was paying at the time. In other words, Mark avoided paying any rent/bills and managed to make a tidy profit. When I found out about the new roommate, he was surprised to discover that the amount of rent/bills were not what Mark had told him.

I spoke with a housing adviser on campus who told me that the new occupant should actually be subletting off of me, since he'd been living in my old room. The problem got even more complicated when this new roommate refused to reimburse me for the remaining months of my lease and refused to sign any sort of sublet agreement. Instead, he insisted on paying the money directly to Mark and having Mark pay the money to me - despite the fact that Mark had shown himself to be a bit of a scam artist.

I've spoken to a police officer and the landlord and both have told me that I'm not able to have the new roommate removed since he's considered a "guest" of Mark's. So, now I'm left with having someone living in the room that I'm currently paying for. I'm worried that I'll be liable for any damage caused by the new roommate.

Is there any suggestions for having this person removed or forcing them to pay me for the room that I am renting? Also, the new roommate is a recipient of government disability and both Mark and the new roommate signed a form falsely indicating that the total rent paid to the landlord was more than it really was (although the new roommate didn't know this at the time). If I fail to report this, would I be considered an accessory to fraud?

P.S. If it's relevant, we're located in London, Ontario. Throwaway email: ontariotenantproblems@gmail.com

No lease, moving howto?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:48:23 -0800

I live in an apartment with no lease and pay rent to my (dishonest) roommate. How do I minimize my financial losses when I move out? I moved in June 15 and paid a full month's rent ($600). The next month and each subsequent month my roommate told me to pay $550 after I questioned how high the rent was. I paid that rent on the first of each month (or thereabouts).

In months that passed, I've found out that roommate has lied about how much the whole apartment rents for, and that he pays $50 less rent than he told me he paid. I've also observed that he generally lies and cheats people out of things whenever he has the opportunity to do so. We do not have good roommate relations due to related and unrelated conflicts, and he does not like me & vice versa.

I don't have a security deposit or a lease, the utilities are in my name (and I take the amount that he owes me out of the rent check each month), and what we'd (verbally) agreed upon was that I would give 30 days notice before moving out.

I am planning on moving out December 14. I am also planning on taking the utilities out of my name starting on that day. I am 95% positive that he will not give me what he owes me for utilities for the period of December 1-15 (the bill that I will get after I move out). This will be a non-trivial sum since we live in a cold area with high gas bills.

What I (and others I've consulted) see my options as being are to give him written and verbal notification on November 13 that I will be moving out on December 14 and:

A: Pay all of December rent.
B: Pay half of December rent.
C: Say that I've been paying rent from the 15th-15th of each month (since I moved in on June 15) and pay no December rent.
D: Pay half of December rent and subtract the utilities that he owes from that AND the utilities that I project he will owe for the final bill.

So, MetaFilter, what do I do? What is right? What is fair? What will screw me over the least?

A different type of dirty house.....

wannabehippie — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:19:13 -0800

I left the house last Wednesday afternoon for a week. My roommate was hospitalized for H1N1 on Friday. I am returning to our home tonight. What precautions should I take to sanitize the place/protect myself ? My roommate called me on last Thursday night to tell me he was sick and suspected it was H1N1. He was hospitalized on Friday and released last night to recuperate at his parents' house. Our place has been empty (and without heat) since Friday afternoon.

My roommate stuck to his bedroom and our shared living space of kitchen, bathroom, and living room. How likely is it that I can be infected at this point? I plan on spraying disinfectant as well as wiping all shared surfaces (door knobs, stair banisters, house phone, counters) with disposable disinfecting wipes. I have made an appointment with my doctor for Friday, but what can I do in the mean time to prevent anything?

What should go in a contract with a roommate?

fogster — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:42:33 -0800

A friend and I are looking to rent an apartment together. We're both a bit cautious and want to draft an informal contract laying everything out. What would you make sure to specify in such a document? How do we split utilities we disagree on? A friend and I are looking to get an apartment together. (We are two males, early 20s, in Massachusetts, if it makes a difference in your answers.) Although we trust each other, we want to draw up a contract laying out exactly how everything will work, since we've both seen roommates end up having furious brawls over issues that really should have been handled before they even moved in together. We don't plan to involve a lawyer or draw up anything ornate, but wanted input from the hive mind on what sort of things you wish you had ironed out and written down beforehand?

The more obvious issues are what will happen if someone backs out of the lease (they'll be responsible for payments), and who owns shared property. (Neither of us own a couch, for example.) These should be straightforward to spell out. But what other things are we overlooking?

How do we handle disagreements? Not feuds, but just things we have different opinions on how to spend money. For example, I want the top-of-the-line FiOS, and he wants the cheapest plan available. I've thought about picking up the difference, but that leaves him getting the benefit, too. Similarly, access to the pool on premises is an additional fee, which I don't find worth paying. But if he pays it himself, I would gain the ability to use the pool and might even end up going. Neither of these are really big deals, and I trust that we'll find an amenable solution. But they're also the type of things I can see turning into feuds, and, with just two of us, it's not like we can vote. Is there a recommended course of action we might put in the contract?

Sorry if this is an open-ended question, but what else do we need to address now, before we move in together? I'm sure there are a lot of things that we're not thinking of right now, and, if we're going to draw up a contract, I want to make sure it's robust.

How to pass crash course in roommate communication

Keysig — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:18:43 -0800

How can I ask my roomate to discuss her frustrations with me directly, instead of telling everyone but me? My roommate, “Regina," and I are both females in our late twenties, and I moved in only a few weeks ago. I am not super great at making conversation, but try to be friendly, keep up with housekeeping, and not offend anyone with my living habits. Regina alternates between caring and not.

The situation worsened when Regina had her friends over, when her extremely outgoing friend pestered me to hang out with them. Her friend kept asking me about my family background, and other random “what’s your favorite ___” questions.

With previous roommates, I’ve tried to respect their space so I wouldn’t get on their nerves, only to have their friends loudly say, “Is that the hermit?” So I thought this might be a good way to start off.

Regina didn’t think so, and as soon as they left, got on the phone to discuss how awkward I was, and how she can’t stand me, while we were still in the same room. Apparently, I’m not doing enough housecleaning, either.

I want to make this great apartment location work out, and I am too busy to focus on finding someplace new, so it would be great if we could at least keep it civil for a while.

So my question is, do I have the right to tell her this is not okay, that this made me uncomfortable, and I would like her to stop? I'm unsure about this because it is her home too, so she can say whatever she likes in it, but I think she should tell me if she has a problem. Or must I suck it up and try to not mind?

I also need to let her know I'm tone-deaf when it comes to reading people, so I don't know what I'm doing wrong unless she tells me. As much as I know that is truly the issue for me, that conversation is always uncomfortable, so I'm not looking forward to it. What is a minimally painful way to say I am not-a-people-person, and therefore can not read her mind?

I am dreading having to face Regina & Co., even in passing, again--any other advice for dealing with losing face and moving on?

Thanks!

Question about roommates and kitchen cleaning habits and finding a happy medium

raztaj — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 08:23:10 -0800

What is a reasonable/normal amount of time for dirty dishes to be left in the sink, before they should be cleaned up? (This is a roommates question) One of my roommates thinks it's perfectly ok to leave dishes and cooking stuff in the sink for a week or more. This morning, I asked him if he has plans to wash his dishes sometime in the next month. To which he replied: "It's only been a week!" Shocked that he thinks this is acceptable, I replied: "that's a long-ass time!" He said he'll do them tonight. We'll see about that.

I clean my dishes daily, usually immediately after using something (unless it's something that needs to soak for a bit), because I don't like a mess, and I just find it easier that way. These are my own habits, and I don't expect others to adopt them.

My idea of reasonable/normal is to not leave your stuff in the sink for more than 2 days. Because it smells, and generates clutter in the sink, impeding on other people washing their stuff. I'm fine with cleaning someone's lone spoon or knife or cup, but a stack of dishes is, I believe, the responsibility of the user. (fyi, we do not have a dishwasher)

The above roommate, per the above conversation (and his noticeable habits), obviously thinks it's not a problem to leave stuff in the sink for a week or more. The rule in our house is to use our own basics of dishes and cooking stuff, but borrowing something every now and then is totally fine. He thus has his own dishes and cups, but dirties them all, using mine, and leaving mine all crusty and gross in the sink, or missing - probably somewhere in his room. I find this gross and very disrespectful.

There is a 3rd roommate in the picture - we both have roughly the same cleaning habits, but the roommate above helps himself to my stuff, because I am admittedly more patient about calling him out on his shit.

Having lived alone and with roommates before, I know that "kitchen habits" vary, are very personal, and are one of the most difficult things to change about a person. But when it comes to doing dishes, what exactly is "normal?" Within reason?

There are other issues with this roommate, and he is currently awaiting his third strike on something unrelated, so we are very aware of his general irresponsibility. And maybe this sounds like a petty roommate question, but my annoyance with him is growing, and I just want to have a better idea of what is considered "normal" when it comes to doing dishes, and general kitchen cleanliness with roommates, so maybe we can agree to a happy medium

How should I best handle bills when moving in with my boyfriend?

belau — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 09:44:11 -0800

How should I best handle moving in with my boyfriend? I haven't had a roommate for a long time, but will be moving in with my boyfriend soon. How do people handle bills and other expenses when they have a roommate, and especially when the roommate is your significant other? I'm a woman in her late 20's, would like to not get myself into a situation where I'm left with a gap in my own credit history, etc. Any other advice? I'm really looking forward to this, but want to make sure I'm handling it well! I've seen this question but am looking for input geared toward moving in with the future husband-type.

creepy roommate...question about getting out of the lease?

atetrachordofthree — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 23:49:44 -0800

I am a 25 year old graduate student. I signed a lease with a 20 year old undergrad who has nothing in common with me, except that we are from the same country. She seems fine at first, just socially awkward, but after a month of living together she began to be extremely rude/inpolite, and show signs of hostility. I tried to talk to her about it a couple of times, but only got emails that basically tells me to stop bothering her. She is NOT a bad roommate in all other ways-- quiet,clean, fiscally responsible. But I am really fed up with the negative vibe in the apartment, and I felt that I've done everything I can to keep our interactions civil, but to no avail. I am really wanting to move out. I am honestly also a little scared by her, because she does this freakishly creepy "death glare" when I greet her, throws tantrums unexpectedly without telling me why (slam door, etc), and I sometimes find torn up/cut up stuff in the trash can. I feel like this girl has some serious crazy in her. She got really pissed the other day because I had friends over and didn't tell her, but truth to be told I chickened out when I was trying to tell her because she stared at me like she was going to kill me, so I didn't say a word. She also has friends over 5 nights out of 7, never notify me first. I love this apartment, and my landlord is amazing. My lease is not up until july 2010, though. If I find someone to take over my lease, can I get out of it? And do I need to get my roommate to consent (we both signed the lease)? or is it just me and the landlord? I really don't want to have to talk to her more than absolutely necessary.

Roommate negotiations... ugh...

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:45:18 -0800

So, I have a roommate. We were friends before living together, and for the most part we get along fine. We've had some arguments, but we seem to have gotten past them. Now I'm just feeling frustrated by some nit-picky things she does and I want to know if I should address them at all, and how not to be insulting or irritating. Little things, like washing the dishes but neglecting to ring out the sponge (which breeds mildew and is unsanitary as well as completely disgusting-- I had been wondering why the dishes always smelled funky after she washed them) and then I find I buy replacement sponges once every two weeks. It's getting expensive and irksome, and even though I've asked her to ring them out she still leaves them and lets them rot.

She also has a tendency to stay at her boyfriend's house for days at a time, which wouldn't bother me except that it then falls to me to feed her cat. She doesn't really clean up after the poor thing either, which is simply not something I'm willing to do. Period. If I wanted a pet I would have gotten one, and when we moved in I established clearly that the pet-related messes would not be my problem.

And most recently the most irritating of all is that she eats my food. And I swear I'm not a stingy person, I actually don't mind at all that she shares food with me provided that she replaces any food that she eats the majority-- i.e. sure, make a sandwich or two with my bread, no problem, but if I buy a loaf and 3/4 of it are gone before I eat even one slice, replace it. This is not to say that she never replaces my food, and to that extent I acknowledge that she's trying to make things even, but here's where I sound like a big time female dog...

When it comes to clothing, cleaning supplies, and household stuff I don't care about namebrands. Whatever works will work for me, but when it comes to my food I am incredibly particular. I work hard to afford the brands that I choose because they taste better. She then replaces my expensive brandname food with crappy Kroger generics. I wouldn't buy those because I prefer the better brands and I'm willing to pay more for them. Clearly, she feels differently, so I end up with the short end of the stick-- paying more for the better brands but eating the crappy ones.

I've considered many things, not the least of which is letting it go-- we have only 6 months left on our lease and we know we won't be living together again after that. But is it really fair for me to put up with this for all that time? I feel like it's more and more money out of my pocket. I try to keep my special food that I really care about in one of the veggie crispers, but she still pilfers it from time to time. How can I express my frustration politely (in the form of a note preferably, as talking to her face to face has usually led to arguments in the past) without sounding like I've got a stick up my bum?

Help me prepare an informal lease while temporarly living with a friend.

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 09:42:14 -0800

Need help writing an informal lease while renting a room out of a friends house. I am going through a divorce, and am currently staying with a friend who owns a house. I don't intend to stay in the state forever, just until I get things in order in my life. I am paying her rent and helping with the utilities. Our friendship is strong, and we're both fair reasonable adults. There is no concern about getting "burned" or becoming a slack roommate. I'm just looking to write some sort of informal lease so we both have something in black & white to go by. Can anyone recommend any resources, or provide any advice? A generic template would be great. This is very casual, and friendly. We both want something pretty simple. Thanks in advance!

Metafilter:Guidelines :: Apartment:???

yaymukund — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 12:40:08 -0800

What are some things you wish you knew (or were glad you knew) before you moved into your first apartment with roommates? I'm looking for methods of splitting up chores, cooking, finances, resolving disputes, and dealing with common problems.

Evaluating roommates!

kldickson — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:57:00 -0800

RoommateFilter: I'm in my fourth year of university and I'm going to be getting back on campus in the spring after taking a year off. What kind of questions should I ask potential roommates at apartments I look at?

I'm so over this roommate drama.

wild like kudzu — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 09:56:27 -0800

So, I have a roommate. I love her, we usually get along just fine, but recently we argued over some financial stuff and now we're not really on speaking terms. How the heck should I handle this? (Long post, long story) So, it's a long story, but essentially I paid half of the bills last month with checks and asked her to mail them out. She had no problem with that, but she tried to mail them out of our mailbox at our apartment and the mailman didn't pick them up, so knowing they were slightly late she paid them in full online and ripped up my checks. I had no problem with that, and she said she would sit down and figure out how much I owed her. She said that a few times, but it never happened. Anyway, she let me borrow one of her pairs of sunglasses last week and I left them on the coffee table by mistake at the end of the night. Her cat knocked them off and broke them in the course of the night, and when I got up the next morning I actually stepped on the broken pieces and got a nasty cut on my foot. I cleaned it up, and told her about it when she came home. If I recall correctly, I offered to help pay for it, but there's a chance that I didn't offer anything at first.

Anyway, a few days later she and I went out and she drove my car home because she wanted to leave before I did. I had no problem with that, but when I went out to the car the next day the door was unlocked and my ipod was gone. I assumed she had left it unlocked because she's left our front door unlocked before, but I have no proof and have since let it go. Yeah, it sucks, my ipod is gone and I don't have the money to replace it, so when I saw her next I told her about it and asked if she'd be willing to help me pay for it. She seemed really irritated, and brought up the money I still owed her from last month's utilities (and here I am thinking she's going to tell me how much I owe her). I brought up the sunglasses, and how I was going to pay to replace them. She said she thought I was only bringing that up because I wanted money from her. She said she thought she locked the door on the car. She said if she let someone borrow her car she would have gone down in the middle of the night when she got home and made sure everything was locked, I thought that was ridiculous. Anyway, basically she said she was pissed off and so I went into my room. I thought about it for a while, came back out and apologized for not offering to pay for her glasses sooner, but she said "it's okay that we don't get along sometimes. I'm not mad" so I went back into my room and called it a night.

The next day I looked through our bills to figure out how much I owed her, and paid her in cash for all the utilities from the month before, plus $35 for her sunglasses. I left it with a note on her computer, asking to make sure it was right and whether this made us even. I was asleep when she got it, and she hasn't said anything to me about it.

So, I'm totally over all of this bull. I wanted to get us back to square one, with nobody owing anyone anything. Unfortunately, this was clearly not enough as I saw her last night and she barely looked at me, barely spoke to me. I tried to be cheerful and happy (I have not said anything at all about the ipod since that first night) and interact with her, but she just retreated into her room. Her phone is broken, so I can't call or text her at all. I've been trying to give her space and leave her be since that's what she seems like she wants, but I don't know why we're not on good terms at this point.

Here's the thing, too, I will honestly be a little upset if she doesn't help me pay for my ipod, just because I would help her pay for hers if the situation was reversed. I'm insulted that she thinks I would lie "just to get money out of [her]" and irritated that while her cat broke her sunglasses it's still up to me to replace them....

This all seems so petty, we're really good friends usually and we've only been living together a few months. I'm going out of town on Wednesday, and I'm probably not going to see her much before then, I'll be back a week later.

What the heck should I do here? Be an invisible ghost who hides in my room? Give her space? Stop her and confront her? I sent her a message online that she probably hasn't seen yet saying that I'd really like for us to sit down and talk. I guess I'm also just irritated because I feel like I have to coerce her into forgiving me for something I think I've made up for in other ways, including actual apologies. She has said in the past that she hates how quickly I bring up issues, but this difference is evident in the way that none of my aggravations with her ever turn into anything major because I bring them up at the time, when they're just a small problem. She, on the other hand, holds onto small annoyances and then when I talk to her about anything she brings up everything I've been doing to piss her off. They end up seeming way worse than they are that way.

Gosh! So irritating! Anybody have any thoughts?

Why are you still here?

HumuloneRanger — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 09:06:25 -0800

How should we deal with our roommate's (long term) uninvited guest? Background: My girlfriend and I moved into our apartment last May with two friends (W and X), all in our early twenties. Our place is a 3BR with four people and we split the rent evenly four ways. We extended the lease through the end of August, but W was unable to stay and so we found Y (same age) via Craigslist in June.

We like our new roommate, but she's twice brought overnight guests into our place without asking. (Not boyfriends/hookups - I don't really care about that.) Y had two older cousins stay for the Fourth of July weekend, but they stayed in her room and were generally unobtrusive. In this case, a friend of Y suddenly arrived in Boston for an extended visit and she apparently invited this Z to stay with her (us).

Z is friendly enough, and very outgoing. From conversations we've had, she's from Orange County and attends an international school in Paris. She has been sleeping in our living room since she arrived last Wednesday. It was unclear how long Z was crashing with us, but she was around when my girlfriend and I left for Chicago on Sunday. We got home last night and were very peeved to find her still here.

My girlfriend and I are both introverts and need space and privacy, while Y and X are very extroverted. Complicating matters, it appears that X and Z became friends while we were gone, so now we feel beset on all sides. We feel uncomfortable in our own home. The added stress is exacerbating my girlfriend's anxiety disorder. I was laid off the day Z arrived, so I don't have work as an outlet.

We don't know explicitly whether Z can afford to stay in a hotel. My tacit assumption, however, is that Orange County + school in Paris = loaded. From what we've gathered, it looks like Z is staying here until the 26th. At a minimum, we're going to be asking Y to cover Z's portion of electricity and hot water. But we really want Z to leave. We're both unsure of how to confront people who are essentially strangers, and while I do have a violent temper, I really don't like to lose it. How can my girlfriend and I approach this and avoid living in a stressful environment for the rest of the summer?

Lowering the rent for a roommate, but then deciding it wasn't a good idea.

wuMeFi — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 15:45:24 -0800

My roommate asked for me to lower his rent. I said OK. But now I'm not so sure I should have. What should I do? My friend and I are sharing a 1-br apartment in San Diego. He is living in the bedroom, I am living in the living room. The rent division has been 60 / 40, bedroom / living room (it used to be like 65/35, but he felt that was unreasonable, so after the first year I changed it to 60/40. I occupied the apartment first and I do the bills. Our current lease ends in November).

Recently his whole department at work got a pay cut of 8%. He asked me whether I could reduce his rent by 8%. I felt bad for him, and my first thoughts were that in difficult times, friends help each other. So I said yes, and that he'd see the adjustment in next month's bill. I asked him whether his work would undo the pay cut in the future, and he said that it wouldn't, as a cut happened before in the past and was not undone.

So that was a few days ago. But now that I've thought about it, I'm not sure I should've been so quick to say yes. I'm living in the living room, and I'd be paying almost as much as he is, since the rent division would be 52/48. I suppose in an absolute sense, the additional amount I'd be paying per month is not A LOT, but it's not insignificant in the long run. I basically just gave myself ~8% rent increase. It's kind of a lot for me to take on suddenly.

I do want to help him out since we are friends. What is the best way I can do that, while getting myself out of this situation I got myself into? I was thinking of talking to him and maybe saying that "8% is a lot for me to take on, on second thought.. how about 4%?" or something (would it be too late to do that?).

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you!

Three's Company?

shesbookish — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 21:05:12 -0800

A single friend approached my husband and I about possibly moving in with him. Has anyone out there lived in this situation and do you have any advice for me? So, our friend is buying a house. He needs roommates to help him cover the mortgage. He is by far the neatest and most mature of our friends. We know if we move in with him it will be very clear who is responsible for which chores, how clean the house will be kept, etc.

We're currently living in an apartment building with noisy college kids. They pull the fire alarm, leave trash in stairwells, etc. It's really exciting to think about living in a neighborhood without those hassles. In addition, we'd be able to save quite a bit of money by splitting the mortgage with our friend instead of paying the rent to stay in our apartment. That said, I think that living as a married couple with a roommate will necessitate some changes. My question for those of you who have lived in this situation, how has living in this kind of situation affected your marriage? Would you recommend living in this kind of situation? Is there something I absolutely need to know before getting into this?

How to help my depressed brother/roommate without losing my own mind?

Anonymous — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 10:56:11 -0800

My little brother is my roommate, is clinically depressed, lost his job, and can't/won't pay the bills. What do I do? My brother "A", 20 (I'm 25), lives in my apartment. He has been diagnosed clinically depressed following the death of our mother in 2005, but most likely was before that. After she died, he dropped out of high school, generally vegged and played WoW for a few years. My dad pushed him to get his GED and he did. He dropped out of community college shortly thereafter.

Dad sent him to live with a relative in another state for three months, to train for a job down here. Dad got remarried in that time and has some stepkids now and generally no rooms in the house. Upon "A"'s return in January, we agreed that he would move into my condo in a standard arrangement with rent, share of bills, chores, etc.

Since that time he has managed to break nearly all of my small list of guidelines such as no weed in the house, clean up after yourself, don't leave open food around. He has now lost his job and says he cannot pay his rent or the bills.

He is seeing a therapist, but not taking his meds (except for copious amounts of pot), as far as I can tell is not seriously searching for a job, and is obviously severely troubled. However on my salary, I just can't afford to subsidize his living here. Just the electric bill has gone to 2-3x what it was when I was here alone.

I'm worried I am going to have to kick him out before the end of the month but I really don't know where he will go. Dad & he are essentially not talking right now. I'm not exactly comfortable with the idea of putting my little brother out on the street with no job, car, or much of anything, but he's not managing his end of the deal whatsoever. I work too many hours to stay home and be his personal life coach, and I get paid not nearly enough to handle the bills for two people.

Advice is welcomed.

Not a guest, not yet a roommate

delayed-reaction android — Tue, 26 May 2009 08:03:57 -0800

Etiquette for the long-term guest I'm going to be housesitting for some acquaintances (a married couple in their 30s -- I'm a young woman in my mid-20s) for a month and a half this summer while they're out of the country. We're not close friends, but we have mutual friends and we socialize occasionally. They have generously offered to let me stay with them for 2.5 weeks before they leave and the actual housesitting begins. (I'll be moving out of my apartment at the end of this month and moving into their place on June 1.)

I'm getting anxious thinking about that old adage about guests and fish starting to smell after 3 days. I don't want to stink up the joint! I've read over some previous questions about houseguest etiquette and roommate etiquette, but my problem is really that I don't know whether I'm a guest or a roommate for these 2.5 weeks. So: how can I make this living situation as pleasant as possible for everyone involved?

How do i get my roommate to give me and my girl some space?

oviedo — Fri, 22 May 2009 19:27:45 -0800

How do i get my roommate to give me and my girl some space? I've just taken up a lease on a house and moved into the basement with a friend. We're both attend a Christian college, however we have quite distinct views when it comes to relationships.

I am currently involved and sexually active with a girl, he is not, nor has he ever been. I've discussed with him that there will be times when i will want the room to myself with my girl, and he automatically jumps to the conclusion that we will be having sex.

While this will be true some of the time, as stated before, we all go to a Christian college, so sex and sexual activity in general is frowned upon... naturally my girl and I have a reputation of sort to hold up, and don't want it to be public knowledge that we are active.

SO... how do i go about telling/asking him (and the rest of the house) about having my girl stay the night and allowing us to have our private time/space?

Help -- I've fallen for my housemate!

Anonymous — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:33:51 -0800

OMG-does-he-like-me-filter: help, I've fallen for my housemate! I have two requests for you, MeFites: 1) Please read my [long] story and tell me if I'm totally kidding myself about this situation; and/or 2) Tell me your own story about the time you fell for your roommate, housemate, or close friend. Disclaimers and apologies:
• All this dancing around and should-I-shouldn't-I is annoying and embarrassing and makes me feel like I'm 13.
• I realize this post is very long.
• Apologies for posting anonymously, but my username would give me away immediately if the person in question were to read this.

So, here’s my story. I’ve slept with a friend of mine, several times now. I'm 27, he's 25. We live in the same house but separate apartments (he has roommates, I do not). We spend all of our free time together. If we weren’t sleeping together I’d say we’re very close friends, but obviously you include sex in the situation and you’re not really friends anymore.

I like this guy a lot, and if he feels the same way I would like to attempt a relationship with him, despite the obvious hurdles there would be considering that we live in the same house. The trouble is that I’m having a really hard time gauging his interest. Maybe I’m just kidding myself, but I think he does have feelings for me, on some level. I worry that I'm being too cautious and self-censoring, and it comes across like I don't have feelings for him, so he's doing the same thing. Clearly I need to talk to him, and I will. But before I do, I’m interested to see what the hive mind thinks. Allow me to elaborate on the situation a bit...

When we first hooked up, I was thrilled because I really liked him. I would go upstairs and hang out with him in his apartment, uninvited, and basically follow him around like a pathetic puppy dog, which is pretty typical of me. Very soon – like after a week – he started to back off. I called him on it, and he said he liked me but he didn’t think he wanted a relationship with me. He said he needs space in a relationship, and when he doesn’t get it he starts treating his girlfriend badly, and he didn’t want to do that with me. I was very sad but I respected his position and backed off.

Eventually, things seemed to have settled and we started hanging out again. Of course we slept together again. It’s happened maybe a dozen times over the last five months, maybe more, I’ve lost count. It always takes the same pattern, over 2-4 weeks:

Flirt > flirt heavily > flirt even more heavily > spend every waking second together > sleep together (usually sober, fwiw) > spend the night in his arms > hang out the next day, pretend nothing happened, and start all over again.

Believe me, I realize how dysfunctional this is.

Every time we do sleep together, an ever-smaller part of me holds out hope that maybe this time something will actually come of it. But, because he rejected me before, I try to back off and wait for him to seek me out, and take my cues from how he acts. I always assume that he wants to avoid me, but there he is the next day, standing at my door. He’ll come downstairs and spend the whole evening with me, always of his own volition, but he’s hard to read. He’ll stand in my kitchen while I do dishes and cook dinner, and he plays with my dog, and he talks to me and tells me about his day, and when he runs out of things to say he stands around like he doesn’t want to leave; but when we move to the couch to watch TV we sit at opposite ends. There’s no physical contact at all. At the end of the night he says goodnight and goes back upstairs. This has happened so many times now that I’m kind of numb to it so it doesn’t upset me anymore, but it does make me sad.

What I can’t figure out is, does he spend all this time with me because his feelings have changed vis-à-vis the whole relationship thing, but he thinks I’m not interested because I’m not making a move? Or is he just being clueless? I mean, seriously, we spend ALL of our time together, and he seems to be doing it willingly. We are essentially a couple who sleeps together sporadically. (Christ this is so dysfunctional.) So why doesn’t he need his space now? Is it a control thing – like if I were initiating it he’d pull back, but since he initiates it he’s ok with it? If so, that’s seriously annoying.

I’ve never had many male friends, so I don’t have a good frame of reference and I may be way off base here, BUT: I feel like if he really didn’t have any feelings for me, he would avoid me like the plague after he slept with me, to avoid giving me the wrong idea. I’ve even heard him give that advice to others when his roommates and I are talking about girls and relationships and sex and all that. I know him to be a conscientious and observant person, particularly for a guy, so I’m inclined to think he’s not just being clueless. Am I totally kidding myself here? Am I reading way too much into this?

Or, perhaps he does have feelings for me but he’s conflicted due to his “space” issue. Is it worth trying to convince him that I get it, and I think we could still make it work? Usually I would say that you shouldn’t have to convince someone to want a relationship with you, but maybe this situation is the one exception to that rule. (I’m sure you guys are going to rip me apart for thinking that there are ever exceptions to the relationship commandments, several of which I know I’m trying to break here.)

Or, on the off-chance that The Hive thinks he actually might feel the same way I do... I think I’m being pretty obvious about the fact that I have real feelings for him, but that may not be the case, especially since I’m so afraid of scaring him off. Should I be more forward? Should I cuddle up with him the next time we watch TV together? Even if it’s been almost a week since we last touched each other – or would that be too out-of-the-blue?

I’m terrified of the devastating embarrassment I’d feel if I tried a move like that, and he recoiled and told me I’ve got the wrong idea, or he just froze and acted really uncomfortable. But I also know that I can’t keep on with things as they are. So either I try something like that, or I be more blunt and tell him how I feel and ask him to do the same, or I just drop the whole idea and start avoiding him as much as possible so I can get over him. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on if I think there’s a possibility something could happen.

MeFi, I want to hear your stories about the time you fell for your housemate or roommate or best friend, and what you did about it, and how it ended up. You can give me advice if you like, or just talk. If you think I'm being an idiot, tell me. If you think there's a chance here, tell me. Do your worst! Throwaway email: onlyindreams1234@gmail.com