Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with roommate

roommate and the balance of housework

colfax — Sat, 11 May 2013 03:28:02 -0800

My roommate is currently a lot busier than me. I'm unsure if it's fair to ask her to do more of the housework than she's currently doing. My roommate is younger than me and at her first year of university. We're both women. She's busy and stressed a lot of the time because her program is a rigorous one, and she has some long days because she's taking classes with lab sections. I'm working from home, and I've got a couple of big projects I'm working on at the moment, but my schedule is much more flexible. We've been living together for about 9 months and get along pretty well.

When I moved in, she told me that she and her last roommate had cleaned the apartment--mainly the bathroom and kitchen--every Sunday, or every other Sunday, depending on how dirty things were, and she'd like to keep doing that. I agreed that that sounded like a good idea.

The problem is that my messiness-threshold is a lot lower than hers, and since I'm home a lot, I end puttering around the apartment and tidying up a lot. I lived by myself for a long time, and I guess I got into the habit of cleaning things when they got dirty, rather than cleaning on a specific schedule, because it ends up being less work that way. That is only relevant because due to my daily puttering around, I think our apartment doesn't every reach the point where her brain registers it as "dirty." Which means that she never mentions the weekly cleaning thing anymore; I have to bring it up and if I don't, and sometimes even if I do, things don't get cleaned unless I clean them myself.

This makes me feel like her mom, or like she expects me to be her mom and to clean up after her (she does do her own dishes, however). Would it be fair for me to push a little harder on this issue? I don't care about some big weekly apartment-wide clean-up, but I would like it if we started alternating cleaning the bathroom once a week. Is that a reasonable request even though our schedules are so different? I'm genuinely asking, not trying to set up a leading question, because it's been so long since I've lived with someone I genuinely don't know.

Do I have to share a hotel room with my coworker?

aabbbiee — Thu, 09 May 2013 15:40:51 -0800

Is it common in your academic workplace for people to share hotel rooms at conferences with colleagues? I have been in my position as an academic librarian at a state university for 7 years. Last year, following a reorganization, my position was reclassified as academic (non-regular academic). Travel policy and culture is different for staff versus faculty, and I've been confused while navigating these differences. My question is about the cultural aspect of this.

I travel 2-3 times a year for conferences, usually staying 3-4 nights. Before I was reclassified as academic, all of my travel was considered administrative, and all of my expenses were reimbursed. (Assume moderate expenses- conference rate hotel, per diem, airfare with shared-ride airport shuttles, etc.)
Now, following my reclassification, I have two types of travel. The first is administrative, as it's part of my job duties, and fully reimbursed. The second is travel for professional/academic development, such as presenting at conferences, for which I am allotted funds (equal to about 2/3 of one typical trip) from which I will be reimbursed.

To save money on this latter kind of travel, most of my co-workers get roommates for the conference. These might be coworkers, an old friend/colleague, or even a stranger picked from a listserv. Recently, I attended a conference with several coworkers. I was the only one who didn't have a roommate. One of my coworkers even roomed with her boss (though they are both in their 50s-60s). This is mostly to save money, but some have noted that they like the social aspect of having a roommate, and that it gives them a chance to chat (say, if they're old colleagues who now live far apart.)
This was the first time that the question of sharing a room on a work trip has come up for me. My boss did ask me about it, but didn't press the issue too much. Because I'd saved a huge amount on travel costs, my allotted funds covered my hotel room in total, so I didn't have to eat the extra costs of not having a roommate.
However, I am concerned that this might be pressed in the future, and that I might be requested to get a roommate for my administrative travel. This is often to conferences where I am the only attendee from my institution and where a roommate would be a stranger or acquaintance at best. While this hasn't been asked of me yet, I see the writing on the wall. I don't have any travel scheduled anytime soon. I want to figure out whether this is something that is so part of the culture that my best bet is to just learn to deal with it, or the kind of thing where I should limit my professional development only for conferences where I can afford to eat half the cost of lodging just to avoid sharing a hotel room with a stranger.

Maybe that sounds a little overkill, but I'm obviously having some issues with this idea. I really do not want to see my coworkers in their pajamas, hear their nighttime noises, or have to have them see/hear me/mine. Conferences are exhausting, and my hotel room is my area of respite. I'm an introvert; sharing a hotel room would mean that I would feel pressure to be "on" when I want to zone out. There are a lot of reasons why I don't want to share a room with people I know professionally. But this is clearly not the case for everyone.

My question: Is this a common cultural aspect of academia? Is it common for academic professionals (not students) to share hotel rooms? Do you? Did you have to get over some mild discomfort with the idea? Do you have any words of wisdom from me on this?

Sub-question*:
I am also interested in your thoughts as to whether there's a gender thing in play here. Are female librarians expected to share hotel rooms while male librarians might not be? Does a more male-dominated academic field have a different culture of room sharing?
*Sub-question is not intended to provoke an argument. I am purely speculating in that way that we sometimes do when we want to think there are unfair reasons for asking us to do things we don't want to do. I really want to learn about the broader culture of academia when it comes to this, and librarianship is very female-dominated.

My roommate is driving me nuts and I'm wondering what my options are

antgly — Thu, 09 May 2013 09:42:32 -0800

Basically I paid $400 (really cheap rent) for a small room sublet in Bensonhurst and one of my friends with benefits (who I knew for about a month), heard about my situation incidentally and kept on asking me to split rent with him in the Bronx. It's not a particularly bad area and it was financially feasible (he lives alone and his dad pays half his rent just as a nice gesture, so we'd split the remaining amount - $250 a month on me and the rest on him - about the same). So primarily for financial reasons, as I could save money on rent, I started moving my things and called my landlord to tell him I'm leaving this month within a couple weeks. So it comes to this... me and him have some fun and it seems all fine until his female friend has to stay with him for a short while. He and her speak Spanish most of the time, so I only understand like 20% of the Spanish. They both seem to have their own shared issue with me, which I feel is due to some jealousy of attention as each one thinks the other one is spending more time with me than themselves.

He's become a total tyrant recently (after all the fun has passed and he's basically gotten past me in his adventures). I would say that he has few real friends and feels like he's my parent. He is always asking me where I am and feels like my business is his business. He gets negative and offensive to me and gets rabid when I don't let him get into my personal business, even threatening to get me out of his place. I don't mind that he's a neat-freak - that is not really a problem as I try my best to keep things neat around the place. Sometimes I feel that he is mentally unstable.

The lease is on him and his dad, even though he lives there by himself.

I originally left my grandpa's apartment (technically stepgrandpa's place) before I moved into my old room sublet because he was financially leeching off me and would read my mail despite me not giving permission and would live large at my expense even though he'd make $60,000 and live in a rent-controlled apartment.

I'm wondering what I should do. Should I try to get back to the old place or should I stay at my convenience until I find something better? Is there something better? Like a better apartment or somewhere I can stay that fits into my income? I make $40,000 a year currently as a mobile developer in a company working full-time 5 days a week.

I'm wondering if there are any other options that I have other than attempting to get back to my old place. If I will have to move my bags again, I would rather move them to a newer and nicer place than my old place.

Roommate have right to renew lease and, if so, how to ask her to leave?

AlmondEyes — Tue, 07 May 2013 17:41:30 -0800

I live in a two-bedroom apt in Cambridge, MA. I have lived here since Sept '10 and current roommate ("CR") has lived here since Sept '12. The dynamic between CR and I is not so hot. I'm also just very much wanting to live alone and finally able to afford it. During a recent, difficult conversation with CR about apt stuff, I mentioned that I will be moving out in Sept (when our lease ends) to find my own 1-bedroom apt. In the same conversation, she told me that she will also move out in Sept. At first she said that she'd like to find an apt with laundry, but later in the day she clarified that she may actually move out of the Boston area altogether.

Since then (a few weeks ago), I have done some preliminary apt-searching and realize that 1-bedrooms apt are only marginally more expensive than my current well-priced 2-bedroom, which I LOVE. I called my landlord to ask if he and his wife would be receptive to my staying after Sept and keeping the whole place for myself. He said yes, that he would like that, though also asked what CR's plans are.

The idea of staying in my current home is my clear first choice. The common spaces are predominantly furnished with my things and, moreover, I consider it home. My next step, therefore, is to follow-up with CR to confirm that she plans to move out by Sept. I've been doomsaying about the possibility that CR has considered staying in the apt, too, and finding a new roommate since she learned/thinks I am moving.

I'd like to prepare for the follow-up conversation should it go like this:
Me: "Hi CR. Since we last talked about the apt and you mentioned your plan to move, I've actually reconsidered and decided that I'd like to stay and rent the whole place out for myself.
CR: "Oh wow, you know I've reconsidered, too, and would also like to stay and find a new roommate since you said you were leaving."
Me: HERE'S WHERE YOU COME IN...WHAT DO I SAY, MEFITES? Thinking something along the lines of, "well, I'd feel badly about asking you to move, but since I've been here longer would you consider it?" I think it goes without saying that we don't want to live together another year. I don't want to ask her permission ("would you consider it?"), but am not sure of my rights, and don't want to be a total asshole despite very anti-social behavior on her part throughout the year.

So, essentially, is it reasonable to pull rank? Also, my lease has a clause about Self-Renewal: "On or before July 1, 2013 and, if applicable, on or before July 1 of succeeding years, Lessors shall give written notice to lessee of any rent increase for the following year. This lease shall then be in effect for the next year at the indicated rent, unless prior to July 1, lessee(s) give written notice of intent to terminate."

Does this entitle her to renew the lease?

What are my options legally? How can I get this to work out to my advantage (specific phrasing for dreaded conversation much appreciated)? Should I ask my landlord to get involved if neither one of us wants to move out? Thank you!

The thing that I hate about you is everything.

mskyle — Wed, 01 May 2013 11:06:16 -0800

How do you dial it back when you've gotten to the point where you seem to be permanently, irrationally annoyed with someone? Imagine that this is a person who you can't avoid completely - a coworker, roommate, in-law, something like that. First off, I hope people understand what I'm talking about here, and that I'm not the only one who gets this way. Sometimes I get to the point where just EVERYTHING someone does irritates me. It might start off where it's something small, like a coworker causing me problems through his/her incompetence, or a friend's significant who I just don't much care for, or a roommate with different standards of cleanliness, or whatever. But sometimes, if I'm not careful to head it off, eventually I get to the point where being in the person's presence is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Like, there's this one person; I have tried to be lovingkind and mindful and recognize their inner beauty but I just cannot think of one good thing to say about them. Which is crazy! This person is not, like, Eichmann; but seriously, that's the best I can come up with as far as nice things to say. Maybe I need to get to know this person better? But this person's tendency to overshare is already one of the things that irritates me.

I recognize that these feelings have a lot to do with dissatisfaction with my own life, and I'm working on making some changes there. And for what it's worth, these feelings aren't pervasive or consuming my thoughts (I don't have deep ongoing feuds with my coworkers or anything). And sometimes, in the early stages, I'm able to be more generous and head it off.

So what I'm really asking about is how to turn things around once they've already gotten bad. We don't need to become best friends but I am wasting a stupid amount of energy on this.

Rent and eviction with roommates in California.

nuala — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 17:54:48 -0800

Renter A has a lease and takes on a roommate, who doesn't sign on to the lease and then doesn't pay their share of the rent. A wants them evicted but can't get them out on their own. What, in California, can the owner of the property do to evict the roommate, while leaving the initial renter? Does the owner have any recourse since the roommate isn't on the lease? There is no written agreement of any kind for the roommate, neither with the roommate or the owner. What is the simplest way of forcing the roommate to leave since they aren't paying?

Reasonable or unreasonable not to want my roommate to move in her SO?

Stauf — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 08:01:15 -0800

I recently had three all new roommates move into a four bedroom apartment as subletters in February. Knowing one would be moving out near the end of May, I started looking for a new roommate when one of the other roommates suggested moving her boyfriend into the fourth room. I'm a little wary of this arrangement, but I want to consider, though, before giving my answer whether or not others would consider it unreasonable to not want to live with a couple. I don't have any issues with the boyfriend specifically; I actually don't know him all that well (they've been dating since she moved out of her old boyfriend's place a couple months ago). I'm more wary of the way the dynamics in the apartment may change when two of the roommates are in a relationship. I also feel like it could create more room for awkward situations/drama (fights/breakups/etc.). Things have been very chill and going great since the new roommates moved in, and I'm just worried about complicating that. Would it be reasonable or unreasonable for me to tell her I'm not comfortable with the idea?

I'm about to go Gordon Ramsay on my roomie. Help me be nice!

proximacentauri — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 13:58:44 -0800

How to tell her not to let unsealed meat go brown in the fridge for over a week in a efficient and diplomatic fashion. She's actually in cooking school, I'm not. But I know for a fact that this is a bad idea. The date on the meat is been past for 5 days and it's just sitting there. Can it contaminate other food? I ate something that was in the fridge and now I feel slight stomach pains (might be paranoid ones)
What's the best way to let her know its not ok without going all "wth is this, so gross!"
Other than that she's a good roommate and I want to keep a good non-recriminating relationship going. I tend to be blunt and matter-of-factly but a lot of people like to communicate things otherwise, so how should I go about this?
If it was just me I would simply throw it out, clean the fridge and lecture her on food safety. I don't think she would like it. How do I let her know?

How can I most peacefully exit an abusive housing situation?

defmute — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 13:14:24 -0800

I called for a house meeting to address a housemates abusive behavior towards me but have determined that the best option for me is to simply remove myself from the situation and move out. Do I call off the meeting or do I still have it and then tell the house later that I want to move out or something else? As simply as i can put it, one of my housemates (let's call him DaveyJohn) is very poor at managing his anger and will yell at me very hard for things that he has absolutely no reason to yell at me for (as a principle, though, I believe that nobody deserves to be yelled at/ aggressed against in any circumstance). I've been living here for 3 months and there have been 2 major incidents of yelling so far.

The 1st incident happened about a month ago. I was cutting my hair in the bathroom and part of the way through, DaveyJohn knocks to use the bathroom. I politely tell him i'll be out in a minute and sweep up the hair and let him in. He walks in and immediately walks out yelling at me to clean my fucking hair up. Shocked and confused, I go back into the bathroom only to find him angrily pointing at no more than 10 strands of short (less than an inch long) hair on the toilet seat. I clean it up, but tell him, non-aggressively, that i don't want him speaking to me that way and that we need to talk as soon as possible. he gets even more angry and slams the door. many many hours later, he apologizes to me quite sincerely and recognizes the injustice of his actions. Though I accepted his apology, I still addressed it with the house as a whole (which, at the time, meant two other housemates) and he said that he will be working on managing his anger better and that another outburst wont happen in the future. after that, all was relatively peaceful until the 2nd incident happened this past Wednesday.

In the 2nd incident, I walked out of the house to smoke a cigarette and DaveyJohn walked out shortly after to walk his dog. I finished my smoke and walked back inside only to find the door to our apartment wide open so I closed it and locked it without much thought. A few minutes later, i hear a violent knock on the door and open it to find DaveyJohn on the other end. He yells at me "DONT LOCK THE DOOR! I'M WALKING THE DOG AND I CAN'T GET IN!" to which I non-aggressively reply, "well, DaveyJohn, how was I was supposed to know that you didn't have your keys?" to which he replies with even more rounds of "DONT LOCK THE DOOR!" without even answering my question. We discuss the matter the next day and this time he isn't apologetic at all and is very defensive. it isn't until almost an hour into the conversation that he acknowledges that his reasoning for yelling at me was irrational and unjustifiable but he is still reluctant to apologize.

After that discussion, I called for a house meeting to be held today (3/19) at 7:30pm to address this issue with the house again. After giving it a lot of thought over the weekend, however, I've determined that DaveyJohn is most likely not going to change anytime soon (his former housemate of several years says these incidents were happening then too). I've decided that I'm going to simply move out since i literally cannot be in the house without having a rational fear that he will yell at me again at any time for any reason. If all of us were on the lease then I would ask for the house to take a vote to determine if he should leave or not but, unfortunately, he is the only one on the lease. When I moved in, we drafted a contract saying that the only conditions for leaving are that I give a one month advance notice. I plan to move out as quickly as possible and just pay rent for the place until said month is over while living somewhere else. Realistically, however, it's going to take me about a week to move out. I would like to simply call off the meeting except that i'm afraid that that would anger DaveyJohn (because he might take it as a form of passive aggression). Also our new housemate, let's call her SusiePeg, is the only person who has no idea that DaveyJohn has been yelling at me and when I asked her to meet i told her (thru text): "Hey SusiePeg. I want to have a house meeting to address a serious issue happening within the house and wanted to see when you would be next available to meet". I don't want to go to the meeting and say "oh hey guys, i'm moving out and i don't want to say why because i'm afraid that somebody is going to be mad if I expose his abusive behavior in public". One option i'm looking at is simply telling SusiePeg before the meeting that i'm moving out and tell her exactly why and saying that i don't want to bring it up because I'm afraid of how DaveyJohn is going to react. Anyway, thanks for reading y'all and thanks in advance for all your help.

Who should get master bedroom in apartment with roommates?

tan_coul — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 22:57:08 -0800

I live in a three bedroom, two bath apartment. Roommate A (current occupent of master bedroom) is moving out. Roommate B and I are trying to decide who should get to move into master. Roommate B has a bf, who has been unofficially living here (read: living here full-time but not paying any rent or utilities) for the whole time I've lived here (1.5 years). bf will be officially joining lease when we resign in April with new roommate (so there will be total of 4 people in apartment--me, Roommate, bf, and new roomie).

Roommate says since she has seniority (she moved in 8 months before I did) and since she is sharing room with bf, they should get the master bedroom. If they stay in current bedroom, three people would be sharing one bathroom (her, bf, and new roomie), and that would be too much. Whereas if they moved into master bedroom, it would be two people per bathroom (her and bf in master bathroom, me and new roomie in other bathroom). She also thinks that since they will be paying significantly more in rent (according to lease, adding a 4th roommate is an extra $500/month, which they would of course be paying), they should get the biggest room.

While I get her points, I feel like I've been really taken advantage of during my residency here. I was not aware when moving in that bf was permanent, free-loading fixture. He and Roommate were dismissive of my request that he either be paying some rent, or spending less time in the apartment (he had his own key, and spent lots of time in the apartment when Roommate was not even home, which I didn't think was a fair imposition on me--when I brought this up, he said that I was asking him to pay money to breathe the air, and that I had problems). I did not get any say over him now officially moving into the apartment (though I am glad he will at least finally be putting on his big-boy pants and paying rent). Situation is not helped by the fact that I am (as you probably have gathered) not a fan of the guy--he has always made me a bit uncomfortable, and by now, things have escalated to the point where we basically avoid each other at all costs.

Anyways, being put in this situation for the past year and a half has made me really, really ready to have more of my own space. Having the master bedroom would be great in giving me more of a sanctuary from bf.

I don't think that I should automatically get the room. But I do think I have equal claim over it. I proposed flipping a coin, but Roommate was very dismissive. She thinks I should just concede room.

If I do get master bedroom, I would feel slightly guilty about sticking new roomie with bf. But at the same time, he's not my responsibility, and I'm not sure it's fair to put that concern on me.

Other potentially relevant info:
Master bedroom is $950. Roommate's current bedroom (which I would move into if I didn't get master) is $800. My current bedroom (which would go to new roomie) is $750. This does not reflect rent hike once bf joins lease--they would be paying the $500 on top whichever room they're in.

I thought about moving out entirely, but our rent is really, really reasonable compared to what else is currently on the market. And even if I get Roommate's current room, and they get master, I'll still end up with more space and privacy than I have now--bf would (theoretically) spend much of his time in master, my bedroom would be larger than my current one, I would no longer have to deal with lots of hallway traffic, and I would only be sharing bathroom with new roomie. Also, I like Roommate (though issues with bf has made things decidedly more strained lately).

tl;dr, Does roommate with bf get automatic master bedroom dibs, or does fact that he was inflicted on me without my consent give me the right to request a coin-toss? Is it my responsibility to take new roommate into account, or theirs?

Please no advise to just move out--Trust me when I say I've given it a lot of thought, and staying is my best option at the moment.

Thanks all!

Jesus says no!

Anonymous — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 20:35:55 -0800

Roomies' religious convictions are colliding with my lifestyle. They're saying no sex in the house, period. They want overnight guests to sleep in a separate room. I really need the house. How do I manage this? First, I read this question already. The cultural implications are different enough, and the situation is complicated enough that I feel this warrants a separate question. I just moved into a new place. I'm renting from a couple young guys' parents. The guys live there. The whole family is pretty religious. I'm not. There's a no sex rule in the house. Overnight guests are expected to sleep outside the room of the tenant. I had a discussion with the older of the two brothers, as he's the point of contact for the parents. Basically, I told him that I understand his religious convictions, and am willing to middle road this if I can. I'm a respectful person, and I'd never keep anyone here for more than a night at a time. But I think this is a pretty big violation of my own personal lifestyle. I feel like it crosses personal boundaries of mine. He threw his hands up about it, and said that it was up to his parents, as they're the home owners. I've never spoken to them before, and have only lived here for three weeks, give or take. I'm not sure what I should do. If I call them, I'm concerned it'll color their view of me from here out. The last thing I need is tension between landlords and myself so early on in a new arrangement. I asked him if he was willing to make a gentleman's agreement about the whole thing, because that keeps the parents out of this. I don't feel he would lose behind this. But he said he won't do that, as its a breach of their trust. I get that, but there has to be some way for me to get what I want without pissing anyone off. I'm frankly a little irritated that he's so tethered to his parents that he can't live and let live. Should I find a new place? Should I suck it up? I really don't want to move. Everything else about the place is pretty good, if not perfect. Further complicating matters is the fact that I can't drive, ever. It's not as though I can hop in a car and go wherever I want. I'm thinking this may just have to be the price of the place, but if anyone's got ideas how to navigate these choppy waters, I'd really appreciate it. I have signed no lease, and have only paid the first month's rent. There's supposed to be a forthcoming lease, but I've not seen it. I feel like I shouldn't rock the boat here, but I'm not sure how to handle such a weird situation. Thanks in advance.

How to ask my roommate if I can break the lease before it ends?

AlmondEyes — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 17:37:15 -0800

I live in Cambridge, MA and share a two-bedroom apt with one roommate. We are women in our early 30's. I've been in the home for 2.5 years, with a different roommate each year. I loved my first two roommates. I invited my current roommate to move in this past Sept (met her through Craig's List) and we're a good fit. I have a sudden, burning urge to move into my own (1 bedroom) apt. Do I ask her permission, or just tell her I'm moving? There was one precipitating incident/conflict that happened about a month ago and we talked it through. It is still stuck in my craw, however. Moreover, it just symbolically brought my interest in living alone to a head and - as I recently paid of my student loans - I can finally afford to.

My lease ends in at the end of August, but that seems a a long time to wait. I can just sense the freedom of living alone and don't want to feel constrained for six months more. My landlords like me and would be OK with my breaking the lease, I think, so long as my roommate agreed and found someone new.

How do I frame this conversation with my roommate? I'm inclined to say ~ "I have wanted to live alone for a long time [true] and, when I recently paid off my student loans, realized it's now financially feasible. I've started to look at apts. Though we didn't discuss the possibility of one of us moving mid-lease when you moved in, I'd like to hear your thoughts on it now...do you want to take a few days to think on it?"

The apt is very desirable and I'm confident she could fine someone to fill my room (though far fewer people will be looking now as compared to Sept 1), plus she could rule the roost once I left. I would offer to screen potential roommates. If I tell her now, I'd propose an April 1 move-out date. Giving a month's notice is standard practice around here, though we never discussed the terms when she moved in and I assume she was not expecting I move out mid-lease for a reason that's within my control, like this one.

From your perspective, is this a reasonable request? Do I ask her permission or just tell her it's happening? I'm nervous she could look for a new roommate, but tell me I'm stuck with the lease beyond April if she doesn't find anyone she likes within the ~6-weeks notice I give her. There are vulnerabilities here, of course, like creating more awkwardness if I don't end up moving until Sept.

How to cope with roomie's annoying pets

seesom — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 13:29:50 -0800

I share an apartment. I have a great relationship with my roommate. When I met her before I moved in she told me “I work a lot of hours, my home is my sanctuary, I like to come home to a calm unstressful environment.” I am the same way. On to the problem. I am not an animal lover but I have lived with dogs and cats before it has been fine. The issue is her dog is a Chihuahua that always barks. Literally every single time I open my door to come home, it starts howling loudly. It stops after about two minutes, but then starts again randomly when it hears something. I work 70 hour weeks and this environment is really annoying me. It has a bark collar which I occasionally will ask my roommate to use and she does. But she will not use the bark collar for longer periods of time. Guests who come to visit me (which is rare, I rarely have visitors) comment on how annoying and excessive the dog barking is. Obviously, I am not planning to stay when the lease ends. Is there anything that I can do? Also, if you are a pet owner, what would you do if you were my roommate? Is either of us being unreasonable?

Am I living with a racist?

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 14:49:55 -0800

I'm Indian, living with a white roommate for the past few months. Most of my friends and previous roommates are white, and this is the first time that I'm feeling uncomfortable, so I don't think I'm being oversensitive. But perhaps I am, and I thought people can shed some light. The couple of friends that I've told think it sounds like there's a mild case of racism here, but they're friends, and may not be objective.

Signs:

(1) My roommate has never been friendly with me... just about polite. That by itself -- no big deal. But her boyfriend, who visits almost every weekend and makes himself at home in our apartment, refuses to engage in conversation. Any questions I ask him are returned with a monosyllabic answer. The times that I don't say hi, he'll just completely ignore my presence. I've seen him dozens of times, and he's never once made eye contact or initiated a conversation. I initially assumed he was socially awkward, but he seems pretty normal and comfortable with her friends...

(2) ... and her friends are pretty much the same as far as ignoring my existence. My roommate has never introduced me to any of them, even the ones that come over often. I've introduced myself a couple of times, but they haven't reciprocated or tried to engage in conversation. When they're here and I need to go into the living room or kitchen, they pretty much pretend that I'm not there, right down to ignoring me when I smile at them.

As a result, I feel uncomfortable being in my own apartment when her boyfriend or friends are here, and end up holing myself up in my room. I've never been in this position with roommates in the past. We'd have their own friends, but anyone visiting the apartment would be introduced to the roommates, and if it was a frequent visitor, we'd chat casually once in a while. I respect people's privacy, but if they're visiting my home, I expect _some_ acknowledgment of my presence -- a casual hi or a nod, at least.

I hate to jump on the race card, but I just can't think of anything I've done that my roommate or her friends can hold against me, or that would explain their strange behavior. We're in a very small town, and I'm very much a minority here. My roommate and her boyfriend are from a (different) very small town too.

How do I figure this out? Because if it's not a race thing, it could be something about me personally, and I'd like to know what that might be.

Should I maintain renter's insurance even though I've moved out?

QuantumMeruit — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 16:44:11 -0800

I moved out of my apartment, but am still on the lease, which extends for several months. I have "transferred" my renter's insurance policy to cover property and occurrences at my new apartment. This leaves me uncovered at the old place. Does this matter? My old apartment remains occupied (in part) by my roommate, who caused me to move out. (Previously.) I no longer have any personal property in the apartment, but as I understand it, I am jointly and severally liable for Bad Things which may occur in my old apartment. There are, of course, exclusions in my policy for intentional acts, etc.

I am hard-pressed to come up with a scenario involving a duty of mine, breach, causation and damages which would be an insurable risk here. But it's been an awful long time since I've worked through those crazy law school hypos.

With the transfer of my renter's policy to the new place, my insurance agent has confirmed that I am without coverage at the old place. I have an umbrella policy, but as I understand it, the umbrella insures now excludes Bad Things which would happen at the old place.

My gut tells me that this all is No Longer Important, but in the back of my mind I'm feeling like maybe this sort of stuff was covered in one of those Torts classes I slept through.

I am not looking for legal advice and I agree that nothing posted here will form an attorney-client relationship.

How do you find a sane and compatible housemate from Craigslist?

genmonster — Sun, 27 Jan 2013 16:39:35 -0800

I've been offered first dibs on renting a super nice house. Unfortunately I need to find at least 1 and ideally 2 people to rent it with me. Just asking around my network if they know anyone hasn't worked out. I'm pretty sure Craigslist is the next best option...what should put in my post, and ask potential people in person, to weed out the crazies? I've answered ads looking for housemates with mixed success. The last time I tried it was a disaster (and the subject of my first ask post). I've lived alone since, partially because I don't entirely trust my judgement about these things anymore. I'm also trying to avoid sounding like a nutcase myself by making an overly detailed and perhaps ALL CAPS list of requirements for potential housemates. My city (Asheville NC) has a lot of young professionals sharing houses, but also a lot of wilder and weirder folks who aren't my target audience.

I woke up and there was a stranger in my room

MiuMiu — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 23:23:30 -0800

I'm a female. An unknown female came into my room very late at night. I woke up but thought it was my guy roommate's friend needing to sleep on the other bed in my room (which has happened before), so I just kept sleeping. She slept on the other bed. She is probably in her 20's like myself. Later my roommate told me she was homeless trying to get herself back on her feet and wasn't anybody's friend; one of my roommate's friends just met her (I don't know how & where). Just from this info, if you were me, how would you feel about continuing to sleep in the same room with this person?

I'm leaving, but what do we do about the lease?

QuantumMeruit — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 08:14:49 -0800

BadRoommateFilter: Last night, I came home to my roommate ranting about a dirty kitchen. The rant culminated with him throwing a jar candle at the window, at which point I left. There's broken glass on the kitchen floor still, this morning. I'm seeking new housing, but what to do about the rent for the remainder of the lease term? My roommate clearly has anger-management issues. The rant involved anger at me for not cleaning up the kitchen, and when I pointed out that he had left many messes in the kitchen, his response was, "You know what I think of that argument?" And then he threw the glass jar.

Bottom line, I no longer feel safe in the apartment, and I spent this morning actively looking for other housing options. I feel mad at myself that I can't get over this and that I'll pretty much have to eat my share of the rent until our lease is up.

We are both on the lease and I understand I have joint and several liability for rent. So if I simply stop paying rent and my roommate defaults, I'm screwed even more. Other than paying my half of the rent as it comes due, can you think of any other options for mitigating my obligations?

SuperSpecialSnowflakeDetails: Roommate is my brother-in-law. My wife, his sister, fully supports my move-out. And , many years ago I co-signed his student loans. Sending him into financial ruin or default will really screw me above and beyond my share of the rent for the remainder of the lease term.

I am not looking for legal advice and I agree that nothing posted here will form an attorney-client relationship.

Should I stay or should I go?

munyeca — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 19:48:42 -0800

My roommate situation is becoming untenable. Should I ride out the storm or leave? What is the best way to bail? Snowflakes inside. My roommate and I have been living together for over a year.

Things have been tense for most of our time together. She's very unpredictable; I never know what mood she's going to be in when I come home. Sometimes she's friendly and we have lovely, mutually supportive conversations; sometimes she ignores me for days. She's been generally resentful of my romantic partners and seriously dislikes my current boyfriend (with whom I am very serious); she originally told me that she didn't want him over at all, and eventually relented, but he still feels uncomfortable in our living space.

She plans on moving to another state in May, but also plans on being gone for somewhere between 6 weeks-1 month in the winter, and has made it clear that she does not want to split the utilities 50/50, nor does she want to sublet her room. She's also requested that I put the oil heating bill in my name. This bill is very, very expensive in the winter.

Relevant details: we aren't actually even on a lease right now, because our landlord never asked us to resign, so I technically won't be breaking the lease if I decide to leave. (Right? I'm not clear on this--will I get my security deposit back??) We share many mutual acquaintances and attend the same graduate program.

I'm thinking of throwing caution to the wind and moving into my own place in January. Does this sound like a reasonable course of action? If so, when do I tell her and/or my landlord that I'm planning on leaving? Am I obligated to find a subletter even though I'm not on the lease, or can I wash my hands of the whole situation?

If I decide to stay, what are reasonable expectations involving shared utilities?

Am I being unreasonable in this room mate situation?

Piscean — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 14:47:49 -0800

My room mate and I have had a falling out over my suggestion that I pay my rent directly to the homeowner, as she does, rather than to her. My room mate and I have had a falling out over my suggestion that I pay my rent directly to the homeowner, as she does, rather than to her.

I moved in with my new room mate ("Mary") on August 17th and paid a prorated amount for the 17th through the end of the month.

The homeowner rents the place for $1000 and arranged, at Mary's request four years ago, to accept her rent on the 5th of each month, so when Mary initially moved in she paid her first month's rent + five days. She had a longterm room mate who also signed a lease. When the last lease ended last year, no new one was created. Mary's longterm room mate moved out in July.

I arranged to pay Mary $540 a month and I gave her the $200 deposit she suggested. We set my due date as the first of each month, with a grace period of 5 days. We signed a room mate agreement regarding this arrangement. I viewed her as my acting landlord and she also saw herself in that role. She set the amounts and the due dates and they worked for me, so I accepted. I understood that I was not paying for the full half of the utilities (gas $20, electricity (variable), basic cable (don't know that amount), although I'm paying for more than half the rent.

One of the reasons she said she was ok with the deposit and utilities arrangement was because she knew I was coming out of an emergency situation caused by my previous room mate, who was on the lease and had sublet to me (I was not on that lease). She stole my money rather than pay the rent, and lied to me about it. I was surprised by an eviction notice. Upon leaving, I lost some of my belongings along with the roof over my head.

After moving in with Mary, I found that she does not get along with any of her adjoining neighbors, and had complained to the homeowner that she would move out if the homeowner did not step in. In September the homeowner decided to create a new lease in order to have assurance about how long Mary (and I) would live there. We both signed a lease that begins on the 5th of each month and has a 5 day grace period. It ends on December 31st, at Mary's request, as she is not sure she wants to stay. Once I signed the lease, I saw my agreement as one between the landlord and myself, but out of habit I wrote October's check to Mary.

The first week of October Mary had family emergency and left the state for a week, taking my check with her. She never cashed it, and I received a text from her after a few days asking me to go to her bank to deposit a second check. Mary knows I have no car and that it would be a 2.5 mile walk to do this. There was no explanation, and I was unable to do it. She texted back that this was fine. Then I got a visit from the home owner's association (who picks up the checks) asking about the rent. I offered to write a check, but was told not to worry about it as they would deal with Mary, who I was informed has been late paying rent in the past.

At that point I decided it would be best for the upcoming months to pay my rent to the landlord directly rather than to my room mate so that neither of us has to be affected when the other has an emergency. When I saw the HOA person again before Mary returned I was assured that I was ok for the month.

When Mary returned, my check went uncashed for another week, although she gave me bogus dates on two occasions saying she was cashing it. Never did she explain what was going on, inform me of whether the rent had been paid, or even apologize. Since the HOA did not visit again I did not say anything, however, when Mary asked me for the November check, I informed her that since I have a lease I would be writing my check to the homeowner.

Here's my situation: Mary went ballistic. She instantly claimed that since I "want to go by the book":

1) I owe her $90 because my new lease begins on the 5th, which means I now get 5 free days of rent.
2) I owe her half of the $1250 deposit she's "invested" (she is adding interest, it appears), which, minus the $200 I initially gave her, means I owe her another $425.

and claims that

3) she is still in charge of the rent and
4) if she dies, her half of the deposit will unfairly go to me
5) I am being rude and disrespectful for disregarding the lowered deposit and the amount of rent she set up for me in August.

My responses have been:
-My agreement with Mary was for the first of every month, which I have paid. If anything, any free days I owe for would go to the homeowner, not Mary.
-Any deposit I pay would also go to the homeowner, who should collect my half ($300 since I gave Mary $200) and then return Mary's half to her, minus $200.
-Mary can have a lawyer help draft an agreement that should she die, her deposit goes to anyone of her choosing
-My desire to pay my rent to the landlord comes from personal experience and it makes sense to want a sense of security by having a lease and paying the landlord directly, just as she does.
-I am willing to pay half of the utilities every month.

Am I wrong in any of this? What is the right thing for me to do here to both protect myself and be fair to Mary? She was certainly nice to give me a break when I first moved in, but I don't think kindnesses should come with strings attached that require me to do what she wants for as long as I live there. Now that I have a lease and some sense of stability, I don't understand how we each benefit more by my giving $540 a month to Mary.

How do I deal with this money related situation with an ex-roommate?

penpenne — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 22:23:04 -0800

How to deal a money issue with roommate who has just moved out- never contributed to household cleaning/supplies and did not clean after moving out their things. Roommate who just moved out has utilities in their name- they are expecting to be paid around $50 this coming Friday.

I'm very reluctant to pay them because there has been such an imbalance in the household chores and buying of supplies. They have also used detergent that did not belong to them and was plainly labeled, thrown out food that was not theirs/expired, and left their pet's urine in the house for weeks before cleaning it up. I've cleaned up after their pet several times a month (it even pooped in the house- potty trained but severe separation anxiety) and done the bulk of the household chores.

I've addressed all of these issues with them and have never been able to come to a resolution with them. Usually they would say that they'll clean and help out- so I'd put off cleaning (sweeping the floor/taking out the trash/spraying down BR) until the house would reek and be unbearable to live in. I'm not OCD- the other roommate feels the same and knows for a fact that there has been no change/attempt to help out.

Most times they would give excuses saying that they're too busy/tired/no time to do anything. I told them plainly that it was a matter of prioritizing and asked that they help out with a few items around the house before they moved out. In the least sweep up the dirt/debris that would be tracked into the house when people would come to help move furniture/boxes.

I came home last Friday and saw that they had family/friends help with the move, they finished by mid afternoon and left without sweeping any of the floors. Our landlord allowed them till Monday to complete the move so the new roommate would be able to begin moving in/painting. So I thought I would also wait till Monday to see if they'd return to grab a box and sweep up the dirt.
I should mention that I had asked them to clean prior to that Friday, written a note after the move (And I know for a fact that they received it) and texted them with specific concerns after the note went ignored. Their fern had shed all over the floor and when they moved out their table there was a dried pee puddle that their dog had left. No clue how long it's been there.
I texted them on Sunday to confirm whether they would be back to the house for a final haul (and clean up after that) but they told me that they had gotten all of their belongings out of the house. So I asked if they would be returning to clean up and got no response.
I sent another text alerting them that I would be charging them a cleaning fee- whatever my portion of the utilities would be. With a new roommate moving in and simply having to live in the house I couldn't wait around with leaves, dirt and pee littering the house. I waited till the end of the day and cleaned the house after 4 days of waiting.

Now they're upset because we had never come to an agreement. I know that it's not a nice thing to do. But I've been trying to have house meetings and have had several conversations where i request that they help out with a chore/buying TP/anything! My share of the utilities if $55.
I know it won't break their bank, and feel like it would cover the costs of the supplies they used around the house.
Am I just too resentful to see the situation clearly? I've always been a pushover and have had a difficult time with confrontation so the level of communication and persistent talks I've pushed on the topic has surprised me.
Help me figure out what to do! I'm not friends with this person and am perfectly happy to never have to speak to/see them again. I'm just glad they're finally out of the house. Sorry it's so long and jumbled!

We have individual leases with the landlord for our rooms and each have a utility in our own name- they happen to have the electric/water (which was shut off and is still not on because they did not communicate with us about transferring the service). The landlord was very clear that the utilities/other household day to day things would be between the roommates.

Paging amateur Miss Manners..

jorlyfish — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 20:59:55 -0800

Miss Manners filter: What to do when I feel like my friend/roommate is trying to drive a small wedge in my relationship. I can't decide what the "I'm afraid that won't be possible" is for this situation. Small wall o' text inside. Boyfriend, roommate/friend ("D"), and myself all live together. My roommate makes snarky comments (as she is wont to do about just about any subject, though this is atypical in that it is directed at me instead of say, a dumb movie or whatever) at times about things like my boyfriend going out without me (something BF and I think is healthy/normal), especially if he is out later than I would like, or Boyfriend being in a sour mood, etc. My boyfriend and I are not fighting, but have both been under stress for different reasons - big life-change type stuff - and so things haven't been as smooth as usual, but it doesn't have anything to do with each other, just general stress. It feels like she is trying to get information out of me, like she wants in on what's going on in my relationship more than I would like to discuss, or that she's trying to get me to say I'm not happy with him/whatever he's doing or something. Frankly, there isn't really anything going on - it's just normal relationship stuff/people bein' people. Part of me thinks D's inviting conversation about it -- her snarky comment standing in for "Is everything OK?" (It is.).. but I don't want to give too much of a benefit of the doubt, y'know? Right now my tactic is just giving her a "Whaddayamean?" kind of look/response, and just kind of shrugging it off/ignoring it, but it is irritating. I would like to avoid confronting her about it directly (I know, I know..) because I don't know what her intentions are, and this has only been going on a few weeks. However, I come to you, O' Hive Mind, because playing dumb isn't really working.

Background that may or may not be (but is probably) relevant: Most important to note IMO is that D has never been in a relationship of any kind - no dates, no LTR, nothin'. Also important to note that D and boyfriend get along very well. They know each other through me but are good friends and we often all three hang out as a group. I have lived with D for 1.5-2 years, save for summers (we are in college; she goes home). My boyfriend and I decided we wanted to live together around February of this year and asked D to come with for a variety of reasons. We found a place together - nobody moved into anybody's apartment, we all moved - and moved in May. D has been living here since mid-Sept. as she left for the summer. More details as needed.

Roommate's GF has effectively moved in... what to do?

symbollocks — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 14:05:53 -0800

At what point is a roommate's SO effectively considered "moved in"? And how do you deal with that? I (24m) live in a two bedroom apartment with my wife (20f) and a friend of mine (23m).

About 4 months ago he has begun dating a girl (27f). Since about 2 months ago she has been spending the night at the apartment nearly every single night. They tend to stay up late, going to bed around 1-3 in the morning. My wife and I go to bed during the weekdays around 10-11pm for work/school. They're not terribly loud, to me, but they sometimes keep my wife up for an hour or two once we've hit the sack (talking, laughing, opening/closing doors, cooking, etc.)

Right now we split the rent ($700) between us so that he pays $300 and we pay $400. I work full time, as does my friend. My wife takes a heavy courseload at school so she doesn't work most of the year. His girlfriend works 2 jobs (as a therapist and part time waitress.)

Me and my wife don't feel comfortable with her being around so much without at least moving in and helping out with the rent. Although my wife would prefer that she not move in period and just spend more time at her own place (partially because of the noise issue, partially because his girlfriend is basically a stranger to us.) If she moved in I feel it would be somewhat inequitable (because they both work) even if we split the rent evenly between us couples, so there's that too.

I'm not exactly sure how to handle this situation and would appreciate advice or personal experiences to gain some insight on what to do.

How do I follow through on removing subletters?

the other side — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 08:56:18 -0800

I've given two subletters three months notice to move; they are arguing that I "don't have the power" to ask them to move out, and are demanding "proof" that I can do so. Details inside. So, I'm obviously rather stressed about this, but I'm going to try to sum up first, and add more details as I go.

I live in an four bedroom apartment in Massachusetts. I'm the only person who signed the lease in September, and have been living here for two and a half years. One roommate entered as a subletter a year ago, the other in July (the first was an acquaintance of my friend who I shared the apartment with, the second a friend of the acquaintance). My friend has subsequently moved out leaving only myself on the new lease. Initially, they said they were going to move to another apartment at the end of August, but changed their mind (I found this out in August). There is no written contract between myself and them (I know, that was a mistake). The first week of September I told them that there's a possibility that I may have friends move in at the beginning of next year (January), and that I'd confirm if that ends up being the case (I should also mention that there's been some personality issues especially with one of them who can be weirdly aggressive/controlling at times; another reason I'd like friends to move in). I let them know early this month that friends will be moving in next year, and that I'd be glad to help them look for a new place.

Initially, the reaction was acceptance. Now, though, they are claiming I don't have the right to ask them to move out, and that I have to provide proof that I do have that right. They've stated that if I can provide that proof then they will move out.

One possible complication to all of this is that I suspect that there's a clause somewhere in the lease that subletting is disallowed (unless the landlord consents). Is this something I should be worried about in light of these developments? We've been sending our checks (each made out for our share) in one envelope for many months now, so I'm assuming they must know that there have been more people living in the apartment than just myself.

Should I try calling the landlord to confirm that they must move. Could doing so create more problems for myself?

I apologize if some of this is overly wordy or if some information is unnecessary. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the situation and want to make sure I'm approaching this correctly. Thanks!

Roommate's work problems coming home to roost

princeoftheair — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 20:16:09 -0800

How do I tell my roommate to get it together at work before he screws both of us? A few months ago I got an apartment with a friend of a friend who was transferred here for work and things have been going fine. However, through our network of friends, I have just learned that his manager thinks he's a terrible slacker and his manager's boss wants to transfer him back (the word "hate" was used in the conversation, apparently) and his manager can't come up with any good reason to keep him here, let alone keep him employed.

For the most part, he's a nice guy, pays rent, cleans up, etc. I have no reason to want him to leave. However, if he were suddenly transferred, it would cost me a fortune. I can't afford to pay for the apartment on my own and moving is going to cost me a lot in addition to what I paid just a few months ago to move here.

He has been reprimanded at work and knows that he's in serious trouble. However, he's such a slacker that he hasn't produced any results since they transferred him here almost a year ago and it's doubtful he's going to start laying golden eggs any time soon. I don't work with him, but since my ass is on the line, what course of action can I take? I know the manager, but he's basically given up and is pretty ineffectual otherwise (passive, avoids confrontation, which is probably how this escalated so much in the first place and wasn't dealt with sooner). Thanks.