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Question about roommates and kitchen cleaning habits and finding a happy medium

raztaj — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 08:23:10 -0800

What is a reasonable/normal amount of time for dirty dishes to be left in the sink, before they should be cleaned up? (This is a roommates question) One of my roommates thinks it's perfectly ok to leave dishes and cooking stuff in the sink for a week or more. This morning, I asked him if he has plans to wash his dishes sometime in the next month. To which he replied: "It's only been a week!" Shocked that he thinks this is acceptable, I replied: "that's a long-ass time!" He said he'll do them tonight. We'll see about that.

I clean my dishes daily, usually immediately after using something (unless it's something that needs to soak for a bit), because I don't like a mess, and I just find it easier that way. These are my own habits, and I don't expect others to adopt them.

My idea of reasonable/normal is to not leave your stuff in the sink for more than 2 days. Because it smells, and generates clutter in the sink, impeding on other people washing their stuff. I'm fine with cleaning someone's lone spoon or knife or cup, but a stack of dishes is, I believe, the responsibility of the user. (fyi, we do not have a dishwasher)

The above roommate, per the above conversation (and his noticeable habits), obviously thinks it's not a problem to leave stuff in the sink for a week or more. The rule in our house is to use our own basics of dishes and cooking stuff, but borrowing something every now and then is totally fine. He thus has his own dishes and cups, but dirties them all, using mine, and leaving mine all crusty and gross in the sink, or missing - probably somewhere in his room. I find this gross and very disrespectful.

There is a 3rd roommate in the picture - we both have roughly the same cleaning habits, but the roommate above helps himself to my stuff, because I am admittedly more patient about calling him out on his shit.

Having lived alone and with roommates before, I know that "kitchen habits" vary, are very personal, and are one of the most difficult things to change about a person. But when it comes to doing dishes, what exactly is "normal?" Within reason?

There are other issues with this roommate, and he is currently awaiting his third strike on something unrelated, so we are very aware of his general irresponsibility. And maybe this sounds like a petty roommate question, but my annoyance with him is growing, and I just want to have a better idea of what is considered "normal" when it comes to doing dishes, and general kitchen cleanliness with roommates, so maybe we can agree to a happy medium

Roommate he-said she-said results in us being short a quarter of the rent. Help!

malapropist — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 11:30:28 -0800

My roommate wants me to find someone to take her part of the rent, arguing that the people who took over my part of the rent really took over her part. She is threatening to simply not pay. We have one month (Nov) left on the lease. Her name, as well as mine and two other roommates' are on the lease. If she went ahead and didn't pay, how badly would this affect my credit? It's a long, boring, story but here it is:

Up until yesterday I was sharing a 2 bedroom apartment with three other people: I shared one room with Nader, while Obama and Biden shared the other. All four of us are on the lease, which will be up at the end of this month, November.

About two weeks ago, our neighbors were evicted, a couple named McCain and Palin. Nader invited them to stay in our dining room until they found somewhere to live. Right around this time I decided to move out. At first I talked to McCain and Palin about taking over my portion of the rent, but they were tight with money and couldn't commit to anything. So I posted a craigslist ad, but didn't get any luck with someone moving in.

A few days after I started talking about replacing myself and moving out, Nader starts talking about moving into a vacancy in a neighbor's apartment, which would be cheaper than the share she paid with us. She talked to McCain and Palin about taking over her portion of the rent, and for about the last week things have been very vague. They weren't sure if McCain and Palin would take over the whole room that I and Nader share, or if McCain/Palin were going to take over Nader's portion, or if McCain and Palin were going to move upstairs with Nader.

Finally, on maybe Saturday or Sunday, Nader told me that she was going to have McCain and Palin take over her part of the rent, but it was already the 1st or 2nd of the month, and rent is late on the 4th. I wasn't having any luck getting out of the place, and Nader, McCain and Palin hadn't gotten their share of the rent in, so I approached McCain on the 2nd about moving into my half of the room.

He told me he could get me the rent money if I was willing to pay for it and let him pay me back. I was pretty desperate and the rent was only 325, so I went ahead and made a money order (the only way our complex accepts rent) and gave it to Obama, who handles the rent. He gave me 50 on the spot, promising another 100 yesterday and the rest on Friday. I went ahead and wrote up this arrangement in plain English, with both of our names on it, and had him sign it. At the time, I thought I should do this in case he didn't make with the rent money, I wanted to have a paper record.

The next day, the 3rd, yesterday, he shows up with all of the rest of the rent money. He hands it to me, and I start packing. But Nader also starts packing. In fact, she moves all her stuff upstairs to the neighbor's house. By the time I'm ready to leave, she realizes that McCain and Palin are not taking over her portion of the rent, but mine. She gets really pissed off at me and won't talk to me.

Later on in the night, after I had left, she calls me and our conversation soon turns into yelling. She claims that this is my responsibility and that I had better find someone to replace her and in the meantime I need to pay the rent so there is no late fee (because remember the rent is late as of the 4th, today), and that if the fourth portion of the rent (which I argue is her portion) is not ready to be paid, then I should pay the late fee ($50) as well. I told her that I had everything in writing, it was my name on my portion of the rent, and there was a written agreement between me and McCain/Palin.

Nader is threatening to leave the rent hanging, and talking to the management company they make no distinction between my, Nader's, Obama's or Biden's rent, they just want it all in, including the $50 now.

Like I said, all four of our names are on the lease, including Nader's, because even if McCain and Palin had taken over her rent, it was unofficial, they're just subletting and Nader's name is still on the lease. Of course, that is still true of me. And I don't want to get fucked.

Now, I can't tell if Nader would be willing to just filch on the rent if her name is on the lease, but if she did, what would be the repercussions? Would this screw up my credit? I can't really tell from google searches.

I do have a few more people on craigslist inquiring about the half-room that is available, but in case they continue passing on the place I'm really worried.

Short summary: one month left on the lease, I and someone who is unwilling to pay but still staying in the apartment complex (right up the stairs in fact) are both on the lease, what legal obligations and repercussions are there if I simply say, "I got someone to pay my part of the rent, and this is not my problem any longer"?

This is in southern California, by the way. Thanks.

PS: As I was writing this Obama called me and told me that non-payment of rent will result in a dark stain on our credit forever and a bill of $500 due on each of us on top of the rent we owe. Must be in the lease. Sound legit? I really don't know with these people.

Do I have to pay my roommate's debt?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 16:06:38 -0800

I'm in a financial pickle due to a bad choice of roommates two years ago. What are my options? Two years ago, I moved in with a girl during my divorce. I was put on the lease as an "addendum" and while I lived in her apartment, I paid 100% of the bills. About a week after I moved out (before her lease was up), she skipped out on the lease. Stupidly, when I turned in my key, remote and parking pass, I asked for a copy of the lease with my name stricken from it and was told that it wasn't necessary... the office woman assured me that I didn't need it and they would strike the addendum from the lease. I walked out not realizing that this girl was planning on moving out, but she did... and left owing almost three thousand dollars. How, I don't know, because I paid EVERYTHING when I stayed there.

For the past year and a half, I have been receiving notices from the creditor who purchased the debt. I spoke with someone recently and tried to explain my situation... unfortunately, the divorce coupled with an IRS audit has cost me over $30,000 and I am more or less penniless. The last thing I can afford now is to pay for someone stupid and irresponsible's mistake.

Unfortunately, the credit company has had no luck getting this girl to pay. She apparently has no bank account, no assets to seize, and refuses to work out a payment plan for the debt. I consulted a lawyer and was told that at some point, the credit company has the right to put a lien on my home to recover the debt. Apparently, this can be done without going to court and without notifying me... and will be horrible for my credit. What options do I have? I cannot pay the debt. I have sold everything of value I own, down to my shoes and clothing. Every penny I have goes to my house payment. It's all I have left. I have accrued almost five thousand dollars in credit card debt just buying groceries and so forth so I cannot put this debt on a credit card... it's maxed out.

Can I negotiate some kind of "settlement payment" with the credit company without a lawyer? I have already tried going directly to the apartment complex people, who told me I was "in collusion" because we left during the same 30-day period. They will not give me a copy of the lease, or the addendum. I cannot afford a lawyer. I have been told I can try going to the Texas Tenants Union, since I'm in Texas, but they probably won't be able to do much.

Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it? I'm worried that before I know it, they will put the lien on my home, and then I won't be able to sell it if I have to. Things are very touch-and-go financially for me, so I would prefer to avoid the lien.

Another person told me that my best option would be to settle the debt directly with the credit company and then take the former roommate to small claims court; how can I do that if I have to charge my groceries as it is? Wouldn't I have to pay a lawyer for that, too?

If anyone would like to respond off-site with ideas or suggestions, please email roommatetrauma@gmail.com. As stated, I am in Texas, if that helps.

How do I be an adult?

Anonymous — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 20:05:14 -0800

How do I calm down and stop being constantly annoyed at an obnoxious, but ultimately harmless roommate? I treat him poorly, and though he's no bag of sunshine he's still a human being. I (and the rest of my roommates) find one of my roommates, "Joe", tremendously annoying. We got along well before we lived together, but that was when I didn't realize that his charming, friendly personality hid an arrogant prick. He's a braggart, he exaggerates his accomplishments (often blatantly lying about them), demands to be the center of attention of every conversation, is an incorrigible know-it-all, a hypocrite, and has issues with passive-aggressiveness. Basically, he's enough of an jerk that I really don't like hanging out with him or having conversations with him, for fear it will turn into another Joe Show.

He's really not a terrible roommate or a terrible guy, though. He picks up his stuff, he cleans, he follows house rules, and when we asked him to stop holding crazy parties where he filled the house with people nobody knew, he did. He doesn't get drunk and punch things, he's helpful, and he can be pretty hilarious (like I said, he's charming and friendly). And I feel for him, because he's used to be the center of attention and people worshiping him, and we won't do it because we think he's full of shit. I also think various events in his life may mean his self-esteem is not at the greatest point right now, and that contributes to his bragging, but he's got the arrogant face on so often it's really hard to tell if that's the case.

But I let all the bad qualities get to me and treat him poorly as a result. I snap at him over petty stuff, I'm not sympathetic enough towards his problems, and I'm not as friendly as I am towards my other roommates. And worst of all, whenever we have house activities--going out to dinner, bars, whatever--we exclude him. Not actively saying he can't come, but we don't invite him or even let him know it's happening until after the fact. I feel fucking terrible about this, because it's such a high-school move and he's gotta know it's going on, but honestly none of us really want spend time with him, and when I do invite him he goes into all out Attention Whore mode and annoys the crap out of everyone. My other roommates and my friends tell me not to worry about my behavior. But I want to be a better person than this.

So, what are your techniques for calming yourself down so you can treat someone you don't particularly like or respect politely and compassionately? In the past limiting interaction time has saved me, so there was plenty of time in between to calm down and remember their humanity. But since I live with the guy and bad juju builds up quick. There's only a couple months left on the lease--not enough time to be worth moving out, but enough that it is worth me learning to not be such a bitch towards him.

I should have made you leave your key.

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 15:32:39 -0800

My roommate gives copies of our apartment keys to visiting guests. I'm uncomfortable with this but can't think of a good argument against the practice. My roommate and I both host friends and relatives from out of town occasionally. When I host people, I either give them my keys or tell them when I will be home to let them in. My roommate, however, just copies the keys and gives them to the visitors so they can come and go as they please.

Most of the people who have received these keys are either mutual friends or members of her family, so I don't have problems trusting them. On the other hand, I just feel uneasy with numerous sets of keys to our apartment floating across the country. I don't know how many sets she's given out, but it's at least three.

Am I justified in wanting this to stop? Is there a reason she should discontinue this practice other than the vague sense of discomfort I have with it?

Chew her out, stick it out, or move out?

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 20:27:57 -0800

RoommateFilter: My roommate of over a year really gets on my nerves, and I’m too timid to confront her. Is it too late to do anything besides move out? Last year, I moved into a beautiful apartment with one of my best friends at the time. You can probably imagine the end result: she’s not one of my best friends anymore. We rarely hang out anymore, even at home; I have been avoiding her and she may be doing the same. The very things that I found fun about her as a friend come off as immature and irresponsible now that I’m living with her. Sometimes I’m not bothered by her, other times I can’t stand to even hear her name, but overall I am not happy sharing a place with her. We’ve lived together for over a year and have over six months left on the lease, and I’m wondering if I should bide my time until the lease expires or do something about the situation now.

For starters, she’s an unabashed slob. I don’t mind clutter and am often guilty of it myself, but I try to keep it contained. However, she lets her mess spill out into the kitchen and living room, including and especially food-related mess. There are frequently dirty pots and pans in the living room. I barely go into the parts of the apartment that are covered in her stuff – there might as well be an invisible line down the middle of the apartment between her space and mine.

I also don’t find her reliable. She’s generally good with getting the rent on time, but she’s been known to flake out on things she’s said she’d do with or for me. She recently agreed to host a surprise party for a mutual friend, for which she didn’t prepare and didn’t even arrive to until after some of the guests did. She’s also been known to invite friends from out of town to stay at our place without asking me. We have more than enough crash space, so I don’t have a problem with it in theory, but “oh by the way Jane’s staying over tonight” gets on my nerves.

How could this have gone on for so long? Simple: I’m a wuss. I’m terrified of confrontation and, when I do get frustrated enough to speak my mind, I often soft-ball it or get talked down easily. I’m scared that confronting her would turn our cold war into an all-out battle, and my living situation is stressful enough as it is. On top of that, I’ve kept my frustration quiet for so long that I worry anything I say now would be too little too late.

We haven’t had official house rules, and I’m not sure they’d work at this point.

Lately I’ve been thinking of moving out. At this point, this is a bridge I don’t mind burning, but I also want to be diplomatic and fair. I don’t want to be too much of a jerk. And, since we have several mutual friends, I want to be able to make a clean break without jeopardizing my friendship with them. Moving will put considerable financial strain on me, though I should be able to find a small apartment that does not cost too much more than my current share of the rent/utilities. If I move, I will likely live alone.

Whether I move or whether I talk to her, I’m not sure how to go about doing it. Both options make me quite anxious and I’m not sure I can pull either off. I can survive with things as they are, but it’s not ideal. My strategy so far has been one of disgruntled avoidance, but considering I’m posting this question, it’s not really working.

In case you need it: timidroomie@gmail.com

So maybe I'm a bit of a keener...

gursky — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 23:16:50 -0800

What makes a great roommate really great? I try my best to be conscious about the kind of roommate I am, but I'm looking for tips on being a great person to live with -- and maybe even things I could do to be an outstanding housemate.

I share a house with 4 other girls. We are all in our 4th year of undergrad studies, so needless to say, we're under a bit of stress. As well, we are all very social and involved in extra-curriculars, and most of us have part-time jobs.

We've already established rules for sharing certain food items and for alternating chores, so what else can I do to keep the harmony? Lately, we've all been more stressed than usual, and there has even been some hostility/girl-drama amongst us, even though we're all great friends and we're not the girl-drama type.

I take care of the bills for the house, do my chores well and on time, contribute to the shared items, bake for my housemates on occasion, look after communications with our landlord, lend stuff when asked, stay in my room when my friends are over if someone is studying or reading in the kitchen or living room (our common areas), keep the toothpaste gunk-free, do the crappy stuff no one likes to do (keep the garbage can from getting sticky/smelly, emptying the sink strainer drain thing), respect privacy (especially when boyfriends visit), run errands for them if I'm out and about anyway...

We get along pretty well, but I want to go the extra mile for my roommates.

Help me be a better cohabitor!