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Housemate doesn't clean up after himself. Help.

dunkadunc — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:58:24 -0800

My housemate doesn't clean up, like ever. How can I do to make things work, or at least more bearable? I've been sharing an apartment since the beginning of September with an old acquaintance, and everything's been going well enough. EXCEPT:
My housemate doesn't help out with the cleaning. Every day I come home to even more mess, and it's starting to really bug me.

Some background here: My housemate and I are both 23, male, and college seniors. We went to high school together but lost touch after graduation. I was looking for a housemate for an apartment I found this August, and a mutual friend said Housemate (whose mom died last year) was looking for a place as well. We signed a lease, moved in and started school, so far so good.
The first hint I got that Housemate wasn't very good at cleaning was about a week in when he asked me what "rinsing" dishes meant. Since then, he's remained pleasant, but the amount of housework he's done has gone from little to almost none.

The main problems:
-His dishes stay dirty in the sink either until I wash them or there are no more clean ones, whereupon he washes a dirty one, uses it, and puts it back in the sink. The same thing goes for pots and pans. I can count the number of times he's washed all the dishes in the sink on one hand, and even then they've come out covered in brown curry grease and needed to be washed again.

-When asked to wash his dirty pots and pans that were filling up the sink, Housemate was surprised that I would want them to be cleaned even if I wasn't immediately going to use them. Housemate said that he would wash them before he needed them again "only as a favor". He cooks about four gallons of curry every two weeks.

-Although he was willing to split the cost of a $50 vacuum cleaner, the only time he's picked up a broom was when he broke a glass. He's been leaving brown greasy globs of curry on all the kitchen surfaces and covers the floor in oil when he cooks. All these problems with cleaning up have carried over to the bathroom as well.

Apart from all this, he's been a decent housemate, asking if I want to watch cartoons or split a pizza or whatnot, or coming out to parties with me.
I've talked to him about washing dishes and cleaning up around the apartment, and he's always said "sure"- the problem is it doesn't end up happening. He tends to drink beers and watch cartoons when he's done with schoolwork and doesn't have anything to do, so it seems like a combination of procrastination and just not knowing how to run a household: his mom used to do all the housekeeping.

What can I do to encourage him to do his share of housework, or failing that, what can I do to minimize the amount of mess I have to deal with? Ideally, we would clean up after ourselves, and if someone else missed something then the other would clean it, no problem.
I don't want to be that passive-aggressive guy, but something's got to change, since I'd like to be able to have guests over without feeling embarrassed. I'd be tempted to only clean up after myself, but I'm afraid the apartment would be taken over by maggots.

Three's Company?

shesbookish — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 21:05:12 -0800

A single friend approached my husband and I about possibly moving in with him. Has anyone out there lived in this situation and do you have any advice for me? So, our friend is buying a house. He needs roommates to help him cover the mortgage. He is by far the neatest and most mature of our friends. We know if we move in with him it will be very clear who is responsible for which chores, how clean the house will be kept, etc.

We're currently living in an apartment building with noisy college kids. They pull the fire alarm, leave trash in stairwells, etc. It's really exciting to think about living in a neighborhood without those hassles. In addition, we'd be able to save quite a bit of money by splitting the mortgage with our friend instead of paying the rent to stay in our apartment. That said, I think that living as a married couple with a roommate will necessitate some changes. My question for those of you who have lived in this situation, how has living in this kind of situation affected your marriage? Would you recommend living in this kind of situation? Is there something I absolutely need to know before getting into this?

Help -- I've fallen for my housemate!

Anonymous — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:33:51 -0800

OMG-does-he-like-me-filter: help, I've fallen for my housemate! I have two requests for you, MeFites: 1) Please read my [long] story and tell me if I'm totally kidding myself about this situation; and/or 2) Tell me your own story about the time you fell for your roommate, housemate, or close friend. Disclaimers and apologies:
• All this dancing around and should-I-shouldn't-I is annoying and embarrassing and makes me feel like I'm 13.
• I realize this post is very long.
• Apologies for posting anonymously, but my username would give me away immediately if the person in question were to read this.

So, here’s my story. I’ve slept with a friend of mine, several times now. I'm 27, he's 25. We live in the same house but separate apartments (he has roommates, I do not). We spend all of our free time together. If we weren’t sleeping together I’d say we’re very close friends, but obviously you include sex in the situation and you’re not really friends anymore.

I like this guy a lot, and if he feels the same way I would like to attempt a relationship with him, despite the obvious hurdles there would be considering that we live in the same house. The trouble is that I’m having a really hard time gauging his interest. Maybe I’m just kidding myself, but I think he does have feelings for me, on some level. I worry that I'm being too cautious and self-censoring, and it comes across like I don't have feelings for him, so he's doing the same thing. Clearly I need to talk to him, and I will. But before I do, I’m interested to see what the hive mind thinks. Allow me to elaborate on the situation a bit...

When we first hooked up, I was thrilled because I really liked him. I would go upstairs and hang out with him in his apartment, uninvited, and basically follow him around like a pathetic puppy dog, which is pretty typical of me. Very soon – like after a week – he started to back off. I called him on it, and he said he liked me but he didn’t think he wanted a relationship with me. He said he needs space in a relationship, and when he doesn’t get it he starts treating his girlfriend badly, and he didn’t want to do that with me. I was very sad but I respected his position and backed off.

Eventually, things seemed to have settled and we started hanging out again. Of course we slept together again. It’s happened maybe a dozen times over the last five months, maybe more, I’ve lost count. It always takes the same pattern, over 2-4 weeks:

Flirt > flirt heavily > flirt even more heavily > spend every waking second together > sleep together (usually sober, fwiw) > spend the night in his arms > hang out the next day, pretend nothing happened, and start all over again.

Believe me, I realize how dysfunctional this is.

Every time we do sleep together, an ever-smaller part of me holds out hope that maybe this time something will actually come of it. But, because he rejected me before, I try to back off and wait for him to seek me out, and take my cues from how he acts. I always assume that he wants to avoid me, but there he is the next day, standing at my door. He’ll come downstairs and spend the whole evening with me, always of his own volition, but he’s hard to read. He’ll stand in my kitchen while I do dishes and cook dinner, and he plays with my dog, and he talks to me and tells me about his day, and when he runs out of things to say he stands around like he doesn’t want to leave; but when we move to the couch to watch TV we sit at opposite ends. There’s no physical contact at all. At the end of the night he says goodnight and goes back upstairs. This has happened so many times now that I’m kind of numb to it so it doesn’t upset me anymore, but it does make me sad.

What I can’t figure out is, does he spend all this time with me because his feelings have changed vis-à-vis the whole relationship thing, but he thinks I’m not interested because I’m not making a move? Or is he just being clueless? I mean, seriously, we spend ALL of our time together, and he seems to be doing it willingly. We are essentially a couple who sleeps together sporadically. (Christ this is so dysfunctional.) So why doesn’t he need his space now? Is it a control thing – like if I were initiating it he’d pull back, but since he initiates it he’s ok with it? If so, that’s seriously annoying.

I’ve never had many male friends, so I don’t have a good frame of reference and I may be way off base here, BUT: I feel like if he really didn’t have any feelings for me, he would avoid me like the plague after he slept with me, to avoid giving me the wrong idea. I’ve even heard him give that advice to others when his roommates and I are talking about girls and relationships and sex and all that. I know him to be a conscientious and observant person, particularly for a guy, so I’m inclined to think he’s not just being clueless. Am I totally kidding myself here? Am I reading way too much into this?

Or, perhaps he does have feelings for me but he’s conflicted due to his “space” issue. Is it worth trying to convince him that I get it, and I think we could still make it work? Usually I would say that you shouldn’t have to convince someone to want a relationship with you, but maybe this situation is the one exception to that rule. (I’m sure you guys are going to rip me apart for thinking that there are ever exceptions to the relationship commandments, several of which I know I’m trying to break here.)

Or, on the off-chance that The Hive thinks he actually might feel the same way I do... I think I’m being pretty obvious about the fact that I have real feelings for him, but that may not be the case, especially since I’m so afraid of scaring him off. Should I be more forward? Should I cuddle up with him the next time we watch TV together? Even if it’s been almost a week since we last touched each other – or would that be too out-of-the-blue?

I’m terrified of the devastating embarrassment I’d feel if I tried a move like that, and he recoiled and told me I’ve got the wrong idea, or he just froze and acted really uncomfortable. But I also know that I can’t keep on with things as they are. So either I try something like that, or I be more blunt and tell him how I feel and ask him to do the same, or I just drop the whole idea and start avoiding him as much as possible so I can get over him. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on if I think there’s a possibility something could happen.

MeFi, I want to hear your stories about the time you fell for your housemate or roommate or best friend, and what you did about it, and how it ended up. You can give me advice if you like, or just talk. If you think I'm being an idiot, tell me. If you think there's a chance here, tell me. Do your worst! Throwaway email: onlyindreams1234@gmail.com

Freeloader or soft partner?

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 07:32:01 -0800

Should I put up, shut up, or get over the fact that my partner continues to feed our roommate who never cooks for us? My partner and I have had roommates for the last few years. We have often had university exchange students, partly because we enjoy having different people to stay and partly because then you know they're leaving after five or six months. We have always worked on the understanding we may share the occasional meal but we don't want to share food, that everyone should roughly take turns at buying common household things like toilet paper. We split the rent and bills three ways (it is a three bedroom house).

Our latest roommate is another exchange student (from Northern Europe). In the roommate's first few weeks in the house, I felt that I made an effort - cooking a welcome dinner on the first night, offering drinks and a few other meals. Nearly three months later, I never feel like offering anything, as the roommate has not ever cooked, offered to cook, nor cleaned up after we have cooked and shared a meal. The roommate did cook one meal (for their friends) and shared it with my partner while I was away on business. My partner continues to regularly (1-2 times a week) offer the roommate dinner, and I resent this.

In general, I buy more of our groceries than my partner. While not poor, we are trying to save money, and I see that third portion as being the lunch I could have taken to work the next day.

I feel like I am being made out to be the 'bad guy' when I complain to my partner when they offer dinner to the roommate. However, I feel like I pull more than my fair share in both monetary and effort terms around the house, and shouldn't have to subsidize someone else in either.

I feel like the roommate is taking advantage of us (as I write, the roommate just got up and took their bowl out to the dishwasher, but didn't pick up our dishes right next to it, after my partner cooked dinner). I think the roommate has an attitude that they can get away with not doing things as a result of their nationality - the roommate said, in relation to their work placement, that if it involved doing things they didn't know how to do or didn't want to do, they would 'play the their nationality card'.

I think the roommate will leave in January when they are due to return home.

Should I just put up with this? Is the roommate's interpretation of 'sharing the occasional meal' reasonable? Is there a good way to explain to my partner that I feel that if it isn't reciprocated after three months that it is freeloading?

Neil Simon's - The Odd Trio

SansPoint — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 20:05:32 -0800

My housemate's are terrible slobs, to the point where I'm about to snap. What can I do? Okay, I'm no Felix Unger, but my housemates would make Oscar Madison retch.

Neither of them seem to be capable of throwing things out, they leave dishes (99.8% of which belong to me) piled in the sink with food drying on them. One leaves bits of food all over the surface and floor when he eats. The floor of the ground floor is covered in bags of stuff from when one moved in in June. It's March now. The other's room exudes a smell of rot, body odor, and unknown things.

I've tried polite asks, angry rages, promises of rewards, threats of punishment... I'm about to take all the fucking dishes out of the cabinets and lock them in my room if they don't start cleaning them. The behavior does not change.

We move out in May. I'm worried we're not going to get our security deposit back. I'm thinking that the persistant cough that one has is a result of his appallaing living conditions in his room. What the hell can I do?

No, moving out is not an option. Don't even suggest it.

We've Been Revealed

SansPoint — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 08:47:09 -0800

Is my college being negligent about the safety of my housemate and myself? Recently, I filed a report with university police about my housemate who has made violent threats on another housemate and me. The school is holding a disciplinary hearing on Thursday about him, and has called the other housemate and I to testify. They notified the housemate who made the threats as well, informing him that we would be testifying against him.

Because of this, when I came home, I spent much of the night with my bedroom door barricaded, in fear for my own safety, and stayed awake much of the night. He did not come home until six AM, though I was worried (with cause) as to what he would do. Has the school endangered my housemate and myself by revealing our identities?

Help me not kill my housemates

pontouf — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 14:11:52 -0800

Roommate filter: I live in a house with 6 other people. We all moved in together in the middle of May. Two part question: What ideas can you offer for enforcing house rules? and What software can you recommend for housemates to share chores and expenses? My housemates have wildly different schedules - one works the night shift, one usually only sleeps at the house once or twice a week, another is gone for a couple weeks at a time and the rest of us that have semi normal schedules aren't often home at the same time. I need ideas to enforce house rules (chores, quiet hours, paying of bills) and any free software that might be helpful in organizing all this (I'm poor, really).

Two Against One. Can We Drop Someone From Our Lease?

SansPoint — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 22:02:29 -0800

How do I/how hard is it to take someone off a lease? Okay, About two months ago, I moved into a 3 bedroom house with two friends I go to college with. All three of us signed the lease, and it was cosigned by my father, who put up the third required month's rent towards the security deposit.

One housemate, J, has been nothing but a pain with regards to financial issues. We had to cover his first month's rent, a pro-rated payment coming to slightly over half a regular month's rent, as he had no money left. Admittedly, he had been having trouble finding a job, though was employed at the time. He did not receive his first check until after the rent was due, but he did not offer anything he had. We threatened to take him to small claims court unless he paid us back^1..

When J paid me, and the housemate back for this payment, he did it exceedingly grudgingly, and said he would take out a loan to cover his remaining share. We agreed under the condition that he not throw fits over paying bills.

When I informed him of cable and gas bills that arrived two weeks ago, he said he did not get paid until that coming Sunday. I informed him the bills were not due for two weeks. He still complained about being TOLD of the bills existence. Similarly, when the second month's rent was due, he threw a fit when I asked him for a check, as the loan had not come in yet.

Ultimately, I had to embarrass him in front of a friend he had brought over on Saturday to get his $15 share of that cable bill, and get the $45 he owed me for the first cable bill, and a SEPTA Transpass I bought him to get to his summer class^2.. This, he had owed me, for nearly six weeks, even before the first month's rent was due.

He is leaving for California today, coming back August 1st, the day rent is due. I asked him to leave a post-dated check, and he exploded, calling his mother to get her to help him convince me to let him slide until his return, so he could pay all his remaining rent in one lump sum, as the loan he took out was delayed. He, essentially, accused me of extortion, even though this would be a post-dated check made out to the property managment company, not to me. Also, he left a threatening note to the other housemate, R, and I, causing R to fear for his life. Rather than live in a Demilitarized Zone, I told him that we're taking him off the lease ASAP.

So, first, do I have a case here? Secondly, I have contacted the property management people we are dealing with, and left a message explaining my situation: what can I expect to happen when I talk to them? Third, will I be able to take his person off the lease?

^1. We only did this because of his cavalier attitude. It felt like he wouldn't pay us back.

^2. A class he routinely showed up an hour late to—and failed, and then blamed me for it, saying he should never had taken the class by my suggestion.