Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with responsibility

My family is in trouble. To what extent is it my duty to help?

Basque13 — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 22:17:12 -0800

My sister (late 30s) has recently given birth to a baby who is probably affected by Down syndrome. There will most likely not be a father in the picture. She also has an 8 y.o. daughter from a different, also absent father. They live at my mother’s house in a small town. My sister has a story of emotional instability and I often fear for my niece and nephew. My sister was molested by my father when she was in her late teens. She is extremely dependent on (and at the same time hostile to) my mother. My mother (divorced), in turn, is struggling to help her and the little children, while having to deal with lack of money and her own (physical) health issues. I (male) am the middle child, 8 years younger than my sister. I´ve lived in a big city for the last 6 years. I´m economically independent (yet also struggling) and starting a career in academia. I feel that if I don´t go back to my home town and help my family, things will deteriorate further. On the other hand, my chances of professional growth would be reduced by moving back there. Do you think a sacrifice of this sort is the right thing to do? My sister probably suffers from bipolar disorder, but refuses to seek professional help. She sometimes expresses concern and affection for her brothers and mother, but is overwhelmed by anger and depression. She is, among other things, often difficult to interact with, often (verbally) aggressive, controlling, volatile and negligent of her personal appearance and health. I´m afraid she is doing things that might be harmful to her children at different levels e.g.: she refused to allow her daughter to sleep in a separate bed till my niece was 6, insisting that they should sleep together, my sister would also keep their house front door wide open to the street all night in the summer while she was in bed (even though they live in an area where crime rates are high). She loves her children and makes just enough money to support them, but she seems to have too serious, unsolved issues to be a healthy mother. I suspect by what she says and does that she had children (both times out of casual relationships with men who soon disappeared) to fill her loneliness and give her some reason to live. She recently said she wants to move with her children out of my mother’s house.
My mother cares greatly for her family, and kept the family together when my (diagnosed bipolar) father had a deep and long psychological crisis and finally left home. Nowadays her main source of income is the small rent she collects from a couple of low cost apartments she owns (just enough to cover her living expenses). But she really dislikes running this business and finds it very difficult to confront the often abusive tenants. She is a meek and kind person who prefers to avoid conflict and therefore often agrees to whatever conditions tenants want (rent included), however unreasonable those may be.
I know I could relieve my mother from the burden of that work she dislikes (and she would gladly accept). I think I might also help protect my nephew and niece (so far she is doing fine, but I am worried about what the long-term consequences might be) from my sister´s issues, and eventually influence my sister to seek help. I realize the latter is a long shot. I also know that I have a duty to myself to try to become the researcher I want to become. It´s just that the two alternatives are literally hundreds of miles apart and seem mutually exclusive today.
Which path (or combination) do you think would be both preferable and morally sound? I would greatly appreciate your views on this conflict.
PS: We have one younger, adult brother we are on good terms with, but he has already made his choice to pursue an artistic career away from the family problems.

Are entrepreneurs employable?

bubukaba — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:50:52 -0800

Will the entrepreneurial work I've been dedicating the bulk of my time and energy to make me look hirable if I ever decide to get a "real job"? Or will it look like a potential liability and put me at a disadvantage? What will I be qualified for? With some friends, I started an educational/cultural organization right out of college (instead of going to grad school like I always thought I would), and have been working on that while paying the bills with low-paid work ever since, for the past few years.

My role in the organization has been mainly managerial and administrative (my colleagues do the programming). I did the paperwork to get us incorporated and recognized as a 501(c)3, I made our Wordpress-based website (it's not an expert product, but it works for now), I make budgets, I run meetings, I've been to a few conferences (and even got to be on a panel at one!), I deal with press and publicity (our programming regularly gets good local coverage, and our weekly events are well attended), I design the program booklets and posters and deal with the printer, I write the thank you notes to donors, I help clear things up when my colleagues aren't getting along (not that I'm all sunshine either), and I generally help shape the path of the organization, internally and externally, toward where I think we need to go to be as effective and useful as possible.

Maybe it's a version of imposter syndrome, but I feel like all this stuff somehow doesn't count because I don't have anyone except my colleagues looking over my shoulder (we operate as much as possible as peers) and because the "organizational culture" that we're working in is for the most part one we made up ourselves. It sometimes feels like we're playing organizational "house".

I'm very happy doing this work right now, and am not currently looking for another job - but I do worry that if it turns out that we can't do this forever - if we can't secure more consistent funding so we can start paying ourselves, if we all burn out, whatever - that I won't be able to find a normal job because I won't be qualified for anything and I'll have to start out several years behind my peers.

Are my worries justified? If so, is there / will there be anything I can do to make my work history look more appealing to future employers? What kind of employers might be the most interested in someone with this kind of background?

Can I be responsible for my parent's debt?

cyml — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 20:46:06 -0800

My dad is horrible with money. He has lots of debt and for some reason, banks continue to give him loans. He never makes payments and he's always in the red. I've tried my best to keep him from getting credit cards and taking out loans but he's an adult and if the banks keep doing it, there's nothing I can do to stop them. My mother says that I'm going to be responsible for his debt but I have never co-signed anything with him or gone to the banks with him. Is it possible for me to still be responsible? Are there any steps I can take to make sure I won't be responsible? Also, my parents are divorced, but my dad still uses our home address to take out loans. Is this a potential problem?

You ordered the cupcakes, right? Right?

photovox — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 12:34:00 -0800

For our son's 2nd birthday party, my wife ordered cupcakes from a bakery online for delivery to our son's daycare but they didn't show up. My wife was crushed and was understandably angry at the bakery, especially since she said she had paid for the cupcakes. But when I tried the online ordering form, there was no place to input any payment information. However, after submitting the form the company says it would get in contact for confirmation and payment information. It looks like the company didn't follow up with my wife, but also that my wife didn't follow up with the company. Is someone clearly at fault? How should I handle both my wife and the company? I feel terrible for all parties involved. My wife is very, very disappointed that she couldn't provide a nice birthday party treat for our son, his classmates, and his teachers. However, she said that she paid for the cupcakes but really didn't; there were no charges to a bakery on any of our accounts. All she received were emails confirming that she submitted the form and saying that the bakery would get in contact with her. She placed the blame squarely on the bakery, in addition to giving them some other harsh words.

On the other hand, the bakery told my wife that they never received the order. The form that my wife filled out told her that the bakery would be in contact within a day or so, but never did. We both agree that if the bakery has an online ordering form, then it should be somewhat reliable to actually take orders.

Situations like this between my wife and small online vendors have happened previously -- there was an assumed action that she thought occurred or should have occurred and then she gets upset when things fall through. Because my wife is particularly upset about this, I'd like to approach this with her with some sensitivity and also try and prevent situations like this from happening in the future. I think that she should know what her mistake was without seeming like I'm a know-it-all or that I was trying to prove that she was incompetent; I just don't want her to be disappointed in the future.

I'd like to try to speak with the bakery as well. I'm not sure whether to apologize for the harsh words my wife gave, but I'd like to tell them that their online ordering system is clearly not working.

Is this all a huge miscommunications between parties? Is anyone clearly at fault? How should I approach each party?

How much of your ticket is my responsibility?

princeoftheair — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 18:30:46 -0800

Who owes what to whom for a plane ticket? In short, my (now ex) gf and I bought flight tickets for an international trip over Christmas. Since then I broke up with her (no big drama, it just wasn't working out) and she is no longer interested in traveling with me despite the fact that we are on decent terms. She asked me to pay her for the unused ticket, which I was ok with at first, but I have discovered that it is not only non-refundable (and possible to reschedule for another international flight in the next year) but non-transferable as well, which means she is the only person who can use the ticket or reschedule another flight.

The way I see it is this: yes, I take some blame for this since I initiated the break up, but at the same time she purchased the ticket and has some responsibility for the cost. Since she is the only person who can use the ticket (or credit), me paying her back in full is just throwing the ticket (and cost) in the garbage. I would be happy to eat the difference if she decides to reschedule and travel somewhere else on her own and it turns out to be cheaper.

Of course I will talk to her about this and we will have a reasonable discussion, but I am curious to know how much people think my responsibility is in this situation. How much of the ticket should I cover: all, some, or none?

Friendship, Stewardship

Anonymous — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 08:38:40 -0800

What to do with an awol friend's large object? A friend left a large possession in my care to store, nearly twenty years ago. The item was of personal significance in this person's youth. We shared warm but tenuous rapport since then, and have drifted out of touch in the last decade. I don't have current contact info for this person.

We are moving and won't have anywhere to store this large item.

What to do with this thing?

a) friend had many years to reclaim said thing

b) thing was of personal significance at one time

c) ?

Cat person needs help considering a puppy

Yoshimi Battles — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 08:09:55 -0800

I've been a cat person all my life. I don't like dogs in general--most strike me as bothersome. I've come across the occasional dog I like, but I've never had to care for one longer than four days, at its own house. Now I'm in the unexpected position of considering getting a dog. I'm in the midst of a divorce, have two exuberant kids under 8yo, will be moving to a neighboring town, and would like a loving companion for them, and someone other than an adult human with whom I can have a rapport of trust, companionship, and dependability. I know I don't have to get a dog. And above all, I don't want to get a token puppy as a happy distraction for the kids, but which I end up resenting as its main caregiver. The part of me that is a mother to two young kids buckles at the thought of much more responsibility. The part of me that wants a dog is surprised and exploring the idea slowly. It's a dog I can love and be committed to, or none at all. After a lot of breed research, I'm considering one that sounds like a good fit for my family's needs, practical considerations, and (especially) my personality. My plan is to meet a couple of litters and adult dogs of the breed over the next year with a local breeder, and continue feeling out the idea and reality of puppy ownership.

Part of this is that I need Dogs 101- How do I get up to speed on basics like training, where I can and can't bring dogs, how much ownership really costs, the time commitment, what to do if we're traveling, etc. That is, what sort of lifestyle changes and demands will any dog bring with it? I want a good picture of that and don't know how to get it. Things seem so particular to breed that I'm not sure what I can assume about general dog ownership.

But the rest of it is how to figure out if I'm daydreaming about being able to get over the hump of caring for another creature. I considered offering to take care of some friends' dogs, but I already know I don't care about those dogs. I'm skeptical of my motivations. This divorce has shaken my belief in basic human decency. If I go all out on this dog and it's a creature that doesn't care for me back, it may knock the stuffing out of me all over again. Am I setting this dog up for failure? How can I test that?

Billy ISO Little Ann

rumposinc — Sun, 23 Sep 2012 10:47:55 -0800

Help us fine the right dog for our son and family, who has a few specific requests and a few special needs. The dog our family had for 15 years passed away this last spring, and while my husband and I are still mourning (though in the 'let's tell funny Louise stories' part of mourning), our son talks to us daily about a dog for himself (Louise got on great with him, and so his impressions of dogs are very positive).

He's young, 5 1/2, though he is gifted identified and at school, has been placed in a first grade classroom which is going well (even socially). The last 6-9 months of Louise's life, our son had taken on a few of her chores--feeding, watering, taking her into our yard, etc., and we taught him as soon as he was toddling how to be gentle and assertive with animals. If we do decide to do this at his age, we'll also be enrolling both him and the dog in a kids' dog obedience class.

He also has a neuromuscular special need which means that physically, he can't manage a large dog on his own, and he REALLY wants to manage the dog as on his own as possible. We're also thinking that if he is managing an animal even 50% on his own, it will provide him some physical confidence to help mediate the difference he sees between himself and his peers.

We've talked a lot and read books about the responsibility involved--we're also not jumping in, we're exploring this as something to look closer to his 6th birthday. He does read independently, has done his own internet research about dogs, and is good with others' animals.

He wants to start with a puppy, and he wants the dog to stay small. He has been interested in miniature and toy breeds, but professes no particular preference. My husband and I have always had mutts, but as singles and a couple we were able to be more fearless about the ultimate personality outcome of the dog--in other words, if the dog we adopted ended up with some somewhat difficult to manage behavior issues, there wasn't our own or other kids to complicate our working with that.

This isn't to say that a shelter dog is off the table--at all. But do share your expertise at determining potential temperament with a shelter puppy of unknown origin and well as predicted size. Also, if you have experience adopting particular breeds or mixed breeds you think would be a good fit from some kind of shelter network, that would be good, too.

For particular breeds that would be a good fit, we're interested in those that are easy to to find (versus rarer breeds)--we'd want to support a small family breeder who keeps the breeding adults as pets and knows a lot about the animals the've sired. We would not use a pet store or family breeder far away (we live in central Ohio).

So:
*Small breed suggestions that are affectionate, work well with children, and easy to find (and mixed breed suggestions, and how to figure out if a mutt will meet those considerations)
*Anything we haven't thought of
Our son's request are that
*The dog is a "cuddly" breed (our kid is affectionate, and his physical limitations mean he doesn't get to do hard physical play as much as other kids and so he sits and reads by himself more. He is offering a very willing lap to this future dog), is introduced to our home as a puppy, is female, is small, will like going to training class with him.

PS--he's not interested in the 'starter pet' genre (fish, guinea pigs, rats, etc.), though we've talked to him a lot about that. He talks about wanting to 'work' with his dog, so a lot of the appeal for him is the kind of give and take dog ownership provides. He did see, first hand, how much work it can be as our dog had A LOT of needs in the end. We know that this will be as much our responsibility as his. We have flexible work lives, as well. He's an only child.

Girl, you're a woman ALREADY so stop lazing around!

showbiz_liz — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 12:04:17 -0800

Help me be a grown-up. I am turning 25 soon, and I'm beginning to realize that I don't really enjoy living like an irresponsible kid anymore! So I've been out of college for almost two years, and working a full-time job for about a year (though I was only made permanent and given benefits a few months ago). And in most respects, I have not changed my lifestyle all that much.

I still live paycheck to paycheck, even though with my recent permanent job status I could afford to save $100-$300 a month if I was careful. I pay my loans on time, but I have a (small but irritating) credit card balance which I could have paid off by now if I'd been careful. I don't pursue my creative (and potentially monetarily rewarding) hobbies like writing and jewelry-making as much as I'd like to, because even though I like doing that stuff, it's so much easier to fuck around on the internet and/or go out with friends four times a week. I don't do time-consuming educational things I know I'd enjoy doing, things like re-learn math or learn a new language. I don't make an effort to get out and meet new and interesting people. I order out when I could cook. I procrastinate at work more than I ought to. I haven't made serious steps toward a fulfilling career, because my job isn't THAT bad and I still totally have time to figure out what I want to do! Only... do I?

I have been working on improving a lot of things. I've gone for medical checkups, which I used to avoid, and I'm even going to see a dermatologist about my adult acne (I've put this off for years and years). I've been working on not being a total slob- my floor has been clean for weeks! I've made my bed almost every day this month, which is unheard of! There are only like three dishes in the sink right now! I'm slowly working on changing my wardrobe from "broke student" to "hip 20something with a desk job". I started working out (have fallen off the horse on this one somewhat, but I'm getting back on it now). All of these changes are very recent. I never did ANY of this stuff in college!

Basically... I want to be a grown-up. I want to be someone who is considered responsible and capable both by by peers and by older adults, and I want to be always moving forward with my life- maybe not on a straight path, but always learning and growing and adding to my bank of valuable experiences (as well as to my actual bank!). And I want to be someone who it would be easy to share a life with. Who wants to get married to someone who can't even remember to clean the tub or save for a rainy day?

This is not to say I want to stop having fun, going out with my friends, being goofy and silly, and occasionally eating nothing but fancy cheese for dinner. Rather, I think I would enjoy all that stuff even more if I had a more stable, comfortable base for my life to rest on.

I'm pretty sure that, as quarter-life crises go, this is pretty mild. But still- what advice can you guys give me? How did you grown up?

I Want my Clear Conscience Back

Fairchild — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 13:39:59 -0800

I owe a person money and want to pay her back. How should I go about it? Five or more years ago I saw a therapist who I no longer see. I paid cash. I never missed an appointment, she was professional, and we had a good patient-therapist relationship. I saw her less than a dozen times. Probably 6-10. One day I missed my scheduled appointment. In a moment of idiocy and immaturity I accepted a lunch invitation from a new friend and didn't have the guts to tell my friend I had prior plans. I didn't call the therapist to cancel. That was irresponsible of me and it bothers me I never paid the fee for the missed appointment. Ten minutes after my scheduled time to arrive, my therapist called to inquire my whereabouts and I pretended like I forgot about the appointment. She asked me to call and reschedule. I never called and I never went back.

It has bothered me many times over the last five years that I behaved in such a way. She lost out on her fee and she was inconvenienced by my irresponsible behavior. Nowadays it is really bothering me because I spot her at my gym, local restaurants, etc. This week we were in the same exercise class. I want to pay her for my missed appointment. I should have done it a long time ago. She never billed me. The fee is 80 dollars. I want to enclose a short note.

What should I say in my note when I send the check? I want her to be paid and I want to apologize but I don't want it to be weird. We don't speak when we come in contact at the gym. I am confident she knows who I am.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

Husbands responsibilities

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 15:03:59 -0800

As a husband and father of two, what are my responsibilities? I know most of my responsibilities. But, I had lived with my parents all my life. I am 34. I got married seven years ago. Muy wife lived with me in my parents house with all my siblings. I had two boys born in the same house. My brother got married two years ago and he too lived in the same house (he had a child a year ago).

About 6 months ago, I moved out. I have been spoiled all these years. I have kinda cheated my way out of responsibilities with so many people in one house I just assumed things would get done - only to find out now that my wife did all the things without saying a word for the sanctity of the family.

So my question is, as a husband, what is expected of me? As a father? I know I am supposed to help out around the house. My wife is a full time stay at home mom. My boys are only 5 and 2. I hope this question doesn't come out as being too stupid.

Carpooling isn't fun any more.

Anonymous — Fri, 04 May 2012 14:58:38 -0800

How do we maintain a friendship and resolve issues without carpooling any more? Last December, a friend helped my boyfriend get a job at the company where he works. After a few weeks of working there, the friend and his girlfriend mentioned that she was driving 100 miles to and from his work each day (in addition to her own job-related driving) because they only have one car (apparently their other car is broken). We couldn't believe that she was going that far out of her way. The friend works at the same place as my boyfriend (and I work just two miles from them) and we live five miles apart so we offered to carpool with him while the car got fixed, or until they bought a new one.

Fast forward five months. We are still giving him a ride to and from work on a regular basis. He often mentions extravagant spending sprees ($300 clothing trips, a new xbox+games, dog training services, etc). He's often running late, and always makes us wait outside for 5, 10, or even 20 minutes, even though we've started warning him via text with an arrival time (hoping we wouldn't have to wait). He often forgets to let us know if he's arranged for another ride home - the only way we know is if we contact him to let him know when we're leaving. We also had to institute a policy of "If you don't call us the night before to cancel, we will assume you need a ride" because we got tired of asking every night if he needed a lift. He didn't offer to help with gas money until we specifically asked for it, although he did throw in for a couple coffees and sausage biscuits.

He still hasn't fixed his car, nor has he mentioned saving up for it or saving up for a new car.

We feel like he's taking advantage of us and taking us for granted. Taking advantage of the fact that we wanted to do the friendly thing and make things easier on him until he could get his car fixed. We didn't do this so he'd be able to go on spending sprees instead of fixing his car. We miss our solitary drives to and from work (hello podcasts and loud music!). He also talks continuously, and almost exclusively about work, in detail. Attempts to reroute the conversation end up in him talking over us, and him rerouting the subject to work issues. I miss my decompression time in the car on the hour-long drive home.

We like the couple very much - we enjoy hanging out with them and they're fun people. But this carpool thing is destroying any desire we have to see them otherwise. And it's making us (silently) angrier and angrier each time they mention how much money they spent on something luxurious the previous weekend. He makes more money than we do, and to our knowledge, he's not strapped for cash, because he keeps talking about all the fun stuff he's spending money on - and it's not pocket change. However, he always seems to be "strapped for cash" when it's for something non-entertainment related.

Based on our tally of the things they've mentioned that they've purchased unnecessarily in the past few months, they would easily have had the down payment for a new car.

Part of me feels like it's none of our business to tell them how they should spend/save their money, but the other part of me feels like since they're taking advantage of us driving all the time, and not getting a new car, it's our right to ask why they haven't bothered getting their own transportation yet.

We want to talk to them about all of this and get it out into the open, because both my boyfriend and I are having an increasingly difficult time letting comments and actions roll off our backs when the topic of money comes up, but we're afraid it'll destroy our relationship with them.

We did see this article posted previously, but it seems to focus more on how to make the ride suck less, instead of how to tell our friend he needs to start taking responsibility for his own rides by doing what he originally said he'd do - fix his car or get a new one. We never intended to be his permanent chauffeur.

How do we bring this up without sounding like a nagging mother? How do we talk about this without destroying our friendship with them? We'd prefer to only carpool under special circumstances when needed - not as an expected, all-the-time thing. How do we talk to them about this? Any advice is appreciated.

Whose mess is it?

emelenjr — Fri, 04 May 2012 07:33:41 -0800

Cohabiting couples, how do you handle the housework? Is there a clear distinction between your mess and their mess? This could get long. Thanks for reading.

My girlfriend bristles at the thought of tidying up things that aren't explicitly hers, preferring to focus just on her own stuff. This works OK when we are both at home at the same time, working on cleaning the apartment at the same time. She wishes I would respect her boundaries more by focusing primarily on my own tidying up. We continually butt heads about this.

I don't deliberately leave my messes around for anyone else to clean up, and I don't think she does either. But at the same time I'm not opposed to tidying up things that don't belong to me. I feel this way because we share our living space. It doesn't make much sense to clear only half the dishes off the table, or empty half the dishwasher, or make half the bed.

To give a recent example, I came home one evening to find that I had left my bath towel from that morning on the bed, where I had sat while getting dressed. She had been home for most of the day, and had taken a nap earlier. My first thought was to feel dumb for forgetting to hang up the towel myself because I don't like mildew on my sheets and I'm sure she doesn't either. My next thought was why didn't she hang it up instead of napping on the bed while there was a damp towel on it? If the tables had been turned, I would have instinctively hung up her towel before climbing into bed. No big deal, as far as I'm concerned.

I presented a hypothetical to her last night by pointing to a coffee table that had on it an empty drink can of hers, an empty glass of hers, an empty drink can of mine, a magazine of mine and a camera of mine. I asked her what she would do if I wasn't home for whatever reason, and some friends were coming over to see her. She said she'd take her stuff to the trash and leave my stuff there. I understand her point about not wanting to make assumptions about what I intend to do with the camera or magazine. On the other hand, only cleaning up half of the coffee table draws attention to the untidy half and specifically to the stuff that isn't hers. It strikes me as a little passive-aggressive, honestly.

She grew up with an underfunctioning/overfunctioning paradigm with one of her parents, and she sees tidying up more than just her share as a form of overfunctioning. On the other hand, I see it as simply functioning as one half of a couple. But I could have it all wrong. Ladies and gentlemen of the Ask Me, I'm just a caveman.

Maybe some helpful background: We've been together for a year and a half, almost. She's divorced. I've never been married, and this is my first cohabiting situation (she moved in in January.) The previous man in her life was her husband for seven years and they lived together for five years prior to that. She's in therapy herself, and we are both in couples counseling because we've wanted to be proactive about addressing problems before we get married.

none more flakey

Anonymous — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 09:41:26 -0800

Help me become more reliable at work. I'm fine at the skills my job requires (I think, or at least that's a different question). But I'm often a flake, especially on the one day a week when I am supposed to work on my own, out of the office. This day is the last day of my work week before the weekend, and three times in the 18 months I've been in this job, I just...haven't done any work. (It's really incredibly embarrassing to admit that, but...it happened and I did it.) Many other times, it takes me much longer than I expect to finish my work for that day, and I very nearly miss a deadline.

I've talked to my closest coworker and my boss about this, but they don't have suggestions beyond, "Finish things faster," and "Try to tell us in advance if you are going to flake out." I...would like to do those things but I would prefer not to flake out at all, and I certainly don't PLAN the flaking out! I would also like to gradually take on more responsibility, but at this point, I wouldn't really trust me with more responsibility, so how could I expect my boss to? I would also like to be a reliable, trustworthy person generally. I'm grateful to have a job at all in such a terrible economy, and I would like to be good at it.

Have you learned to become more professional and reliable at your job? Are there books designed to help you with this? Thought exercises? Mantras? Anything? The only solution I can think of is, "Be better!" but I'm not sure how to do that. O halp.

Possibly relevant: First job out of college, although I have worked at other full-time jobs and did not have this problem, but I also had less responsibility at those jobs; I am being treated with meds and therapy for anxiety, which has helped substantially with the flakiness generally but I still feel like I'm only 20% of the way there and I would like to not get fired before I knock down the other 80%.

Throwaway email: workingflake@gmail.com

London Puppy Buying: The Pitfalls

bollockovnikov — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 08:18:41 -0800

Looking to buy/acquire a puppy in (North) London. I am worried about vaccinations etc. and have some questions about ethics of the whole thing. Can I get a puppy from a shelter? Or should I feel happy about paying for one from a 'good' home through a website? I have looked on websites such as Gumtree and pets4homes.co.uk. Although these methods feel dodgy sometimes, I feel that they take the place of the old 'look in the local paper' method quite well. I will of course visit the animals before I think about buying.

I would be quite willing to take a dog from a shelter, but I do want to have a puppy, rather than a grown dog. This is for training purposes, and because I feel it fits better with the nature of the home it will belong to (i.e. me and my girlfriend).

Are puppies readily available at shelters? I am thinking Battersea dogs home, but as I said, I live in North London and something closer to here might be better.

A lot of the puppies are assured to have had 'both sets of injections'. Is this standard before a puppy leaves mother?

A particular puppy I have my eye on has NOT had these injections. Should I insist? Is that my problem? How much do injections like this cost for new puppies?

Just to let you know. I live in a 2 bed house, with outdoor space/smallish garden. Lots of green spaces nearby. Me and girlfriend have a history of family pets and I believe we are 'ready' for one of our own. I have given this a lot of consideration and believe we could give a very loving home to a dog longterm.

Thanks in advance for your advice!

feeling responsible for a friend's death

divabat — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 22:08:02 -0800

How do you deal with suicide when you feel (or are made to feel) partially responsible? I just heard from a mutual friend that a former friend of mine took her life recently. We used to be close, but after some interpersonal issues we had a falling-out and she cut me out of her life. I had been away and did want to patch things up, but never had the opportunity to.

I feel that part of what led her to take her life was some loss of friendships she went through, including mine - part of why we got close was that she felt alienated from a group that she used to be very involved with and I was one of the few people she had left to talk to. In the past, when she felt bad, she'd call me over for cuddles or talk and it'd help us out (I'd do the same), and part of me feels that had we still been friends she would still be alive now. Mutual friends tell me that there were many other reasons, it's not my burden to bear, but I still feel terrible that I never got to fix things up with her in time.

The other problem is that there seems to be some friends of hers who are familiar with my online presence (part of our falling-out had to do with some misunderstanding over blogs) and are in a way blaming me for this. I posted a condolence note on my blog and I got a reply claiming to be from "[Friend's] Ghost" saying "You truly are horrible." Anyone that would pretend to be a deceased person just to troll someone else probably deserves to be considered "horrible" more than me, but at the same time it does feel like there are people who care about her so much to the point of considering me a bad guy and will forever haunt me for this.

I've already lost one other close person (my cousin) to suicide over New Years and had another family death. This is the most personal death I've had to experience in such a sort time, probably ever - my cousin was two years older than me and this former friend is about a year or two younger. I know ultimately I'm not responsible for her being dead, but I still can't help but feel that I didn't make things exactly good for her. How do I deal with the guilt and the pain, especially when there are people out there happily willing to thrust blame onto me?

How do I become more responsible?

rinogo — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 12:51:31 -0800

I am a talented, social, religious, active, healthy, and disciplined adult. However, one of my great strengths is that I am quite adaptable - I "roll with the punches" very well, you could say. The problem with this is that I sometimes take a more irresponsible path (procrastination, running late, omitting important tasks) because I've learned through experience that the energy expended in adapting to consequences is often less than the energy expended in being completely responsible from the beginning. I want to become more responsible, because I feel like my irresponsibility is keeping me from reaching an even higher level of productivity and happiness. How can I reach level 70 arch-mage zen responsibility?

"First we are children to our parents, then parents to our children, then parents to our parents, then children to our children"

justkevin — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:07:44 -0800

Who knows best for an aging parent? My mom's memory underwent a steep decline a few years ago and then leveled off. Her short term memory is very poor, but otherwise mental faculties are good; she remembers normal events from years ago, and given the facts can reach reasonable conclusions, but won't remember that she's mentioned something several times in a conversation (for example).

At the advice of her doctors and friends, at the beginning of the year, my sister and I moved her into a retirement community. She wasn't super enthusiastic about the plan and kept procrastinating, but frequently agree that it was probably a good idea.

Since moving in, she complains regularly that she is homesick. Sometimes she states outright that she wants to move home, other times she seems resigned to living at the new community (which she admits is very nice, but not home). Two weeks ago she told my sister that it was okay to sell her house. On Monday she left me a message saying she wanted to move home.

We've made a lot of effort to get her to like the new place-- I visit at least weekly, my sister makes a six hour drive up at least once a month, her friends tell her that it's much better for her, we've hired someone to come and keep her company and take her out, the community has events every day, etc. Nobody seems to think she should move home but her. We can get a home aid to monitor her safety and pill reminders, but the primary concern is that she will become isolated without other people to socialize with.

Legally, she has complete self-determination. If she called up the movers tomorrow and told the community, "I'm out of here," nobody would stop her. As a practical matter, that's highly unlikely. She needs my help to handle the logistics, and I won't do anything without my sister being on-board (she is currently opposed to the idea).

So my question is, given a charge with somewhat diminished mental faculties, should I listen to her unevenly articulated desires or the opinions of her friends, family and doctors?

(This is not one of those questions that's going to have a clear and easy answer, but I'm hoping to gain perspective from people who have had to make similar decisions.)

Conflicting visions

dlugoczaj — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 11:04:24 -0800

Who should pay for my stepdaughter's glasses? My husband, C, and his ex-wife, B, have been divorced for about 8 years. They have joint legal and physical custody of their two daughters, ages 13 and 11. Time is shared fairly equally (a little more with us, although she is considered the residential parent). Neither party pays child support to the other because we proved in court years ago that we pay at least an equal share of the girls' expenses.

Per the original court order, the kids' medical expenses are to be split 60/40 (the 60 is my husband's). They are covered by state insurance through B, and the only thing we've ever had to pay anything for (aside from occasional prescription or doctor visit copays, which have just been picked up by whoever's with the kids at the time and have never been an issue) is my older stepdaughter's braces.

Last weekend, during B's legal time with the girls, she took them to the beach. My older stepdaughter wore her eyeglasses into the ocean and lost them in the waves.

We got an email from B the next day telling us what had happened. She asked C to make an appointment with the optician, which we'd expected and were fine with, since B is currently working during the day but C has days off during the summer and looks after the girls every weekday. She ended the email by saying, "I will pay half the cost."

We don't think we should have to pay at all, since it happened on B's watch and she was responsible. If this had happened during our family's annual beach vacation, for instance, neither C nor I would have thought of asking B to pay because she wasn't there and had nothing to do with it. We already checked into the girls' insurance coverage and unfortunately we can't get any help through them because they'll only the cost of glasses every two years, and these were only about a year old and perfectly functional.

We are going forward and making the appointment because our girl really needs the glasses to function and we can't penalize her for it, but B is resisting the idea that this is a personal-responsibility thing that should fall outside of the range of ordinary medical expenses. We'll end up footing it if we have to but will be pretty pissed. Are we SOL without going to court?

Find This Article on Gender Differences and Free Time

ThePinkSuperhero — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 06:56:21 -0800

I'm trying to find an article from the past year or two that discussed a general difference in how men and women spend their free time. The article posited that women are more likely to pick up activities that require work/responsibility (volunteering, etc), and men are more likely to pursue activities that are more fun-based (sports, etc). I can't remember where I read it (but it's not like I read that many sites other than Metafilter). I can't even remember if that was the main point of the article, or if it was in an article about something else.

Your help is greatly appreciated.

A Fiat, an expulsion, and hard knocks

jgfoot — Mon, 09 May 2011 14:20:18 -0800

Please help me remember the title of a young adult novel I read in the late 1980s, involving a young American man who drives a Fiat, goes to college, joins a fraternity, and ends up getting expelled and working in a fast food restaurant. A fair amount of the beginning of the book was spent describing the protagonist's home life, including their humorously large dog, and the need to erect a gigantic fence around their house. He breaks lots of small rules, including parking his Fiat in the wrong spot in a parking ramp. At the fast food restaurant, his job is to fry potatoes. His parents practice tough-love, making him survive on his own (hence the fast food job, I think), although his mother secretly slips him some cash. His father tells him that it is a parent's duty to prepare a kid to be a member of society.

The book's message about adulthood and responsibility stuck with me, and I want to recommend it to others, but unfortunately I can't remember what is is called, or who wrote it. (I think the author was a man).

What are little things I can do each day to lower the amount in which I care what people think of me?

Anonymous — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 07:22:44 -0800

What are little things I can do each day to lower the amount in which I care what people think of me? I've come to the realization as of late that, despite how much I think otherwise, I let what other people think of me color my attitudes, reactions, actions, and emotions throughout my life.

I'd like to take a step back and make an effort each day to decrease this. I want to be confident in myself and my decisions, and stop second guessing the things that I do from the prospective of how it makes me look to other people.

I accept the responsibility that this is my doing -- that what I think other people think about me and my actions are simply things that I come up with in my own mind, but still struggle to stop coming up with them, and stop letting them affect me.

What are steps I can make each day to be more confident, and less influenced by what I think other people think of me?

Gracefully handling more power at work - tips?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 09:23:50 -0800

I am becoming more "powerful" at work even though my job title is remaining the same, and I'd like some ideas on how to handle the change gracefully and maintain good relationships with my colleagues. (Anonymous because I'd rather not link this work-related stuff to my real MeFi account.)

Some examples of what sorts of "power" I'm talking about, just in the last month:

- I was chosen to lead a course for other employees to develop their skills in an area I'm good at.
- Last week, my documentation and testimony was crucial in getting a violent and threatening employee dismissed.
- Over the next year, I found out this week, I will be taking on a number of solo projects because, I was told by my supervisor, I have talents that are better for the work than that of my colleagues.
- I'll be leading more meetings and work groups over the next year and will be more responsible for more people's output than I am now.

Some things I'm worried about:

- I'm younger and less-experienced than some other people who have not chosen to pursue some of the opportunities I'm taking on. A few of these people have the same job title as I do, and they interpret their responsibilities as a long list of things that are just too much to bear, while I lap up new opportunities and work happily, so I need to keep the peace with them.
- Many of the people I work with in a management role live here and plan to do so for decades; I do not. I want to make sure I don't upset the delicate ecological balance of our little pond while still being a somewhat ambitious fish.
- I already have a somewhat senior role at work - I'm "middle management", if such a thing can exist in a company of less than 30 people - and I don't want to be seen as going "beyond" what I'm "capable of" (even though I think I'll be able to take my new role on well).
- I find accepting praise really easy, and I don't want to be seen as wanting to take on more work just to hear how good I am.

A few details about the job:

- I work in private education, with a multinational staff that likes to have fun and is very tolerant of mistakes and missteps.
- We have close to 100% staff turnover every few years, with some "furniture" remaining; this is normal and expected in our industry (we train people to go on to do bigger/better things).
- Most of my current and future responsibilities involve supporting people in doing their jobs better rather than evaluating their work in a critical way, except as another means of developing their skills. It's a very supportive workplace overall.
- I feel extremely close to my colleagues and supervisors, and we socialize regularly; some of us live together! It's not for everyone, but it definitely works for us, though it's hard to "switch off". :)
- I'm outside the United States, in a mid-sized city in a European country.

Any tips that you'd rather not post, send along to ambitiousfishnonambitiouspond@gmail.com. Thanks.

Contacts in CISCO's CSR department?

msk1985 — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 12:02:39 -0800

How do I find contacts that work in corporate social responsibility at CISCO or other companies? I did my Masters thesis comparing information technology models in South India to Senegal to see if replication was possible and desirable in the latter. One of the underlying questions to answer whether it was desirable is corporate social responsibility (CSR), and how companies integrate the needs of local communities before starting/continuing with operations. One company in particular that approaches CSR with long-term community sustainability/community betterment in mind is CISCO systems.
Does anyone on here know of a way I could contact someone in the CSR department? I am asking both because I am planning on starting a new research project, and because I am curious to see if there are job opportunities available. CISCO is at the top of my list, but I would be interested in any companies that approach CSR this way.

Dog is barking, do he bite?

to sir with millipedes — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 11:30:30 -0800

NYC Landlord filter - in my apartment building, each of the apartments has their own gas hookup, but the landlord has not turned on the heat for the communal areas (hallways, etc.) Is this against the law? To be clear, we are none of us freezing to death. We get our own gas bill, have our own furnace, and we have no problem with the warmth of our building. The thing is that the communal areas (hallways, foyer, etc.) are unheated because the landlord has deliberately refused to pay the heating bills. Tenants who have been there for a while told us that the heat used to be on, and the resultant hallway warmth made our individual heating bills much cheaper.

I'm wondering if the landlord is legally required to provide heat to communal areas. I'm not really sure that I'm even interested in prusuing this, as it would very likely just make my living situation much much worse. But it would save us money, and I'm just curious if it's against the law.