Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with responsibility

Poor Me

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 10:00:08 -0800

I think I may have a victim mentality and I'm not sure how to fix it. I've known people with victim mentalities. They are always making excuses and think everybody is out to get them. They always have somebody to blame for their problems. I don't complain outwardly. I'm good-natured, don't blame others, and I'm not a "whiner" I'm aware of my shortcomings and take responsibility for them.

In dark moments I have a lot of negative self-talk and most of it rings of a victim mentality. I have thoughts like these:

If I lost weight it wouldn't matter because my husband wouldn't notice anyway. I'm not really attractive, so what is the point of trying to shed the extra pounds? I can't lose all of the weight I want to lose, so why bother? (Could holding onto extra weight be a form of rebellion?)

Why clean this house when it's in a crappy neighborhood? Nobody comes over anyway. If I clean the house I'll still have this crappy furniture.

Nobody has a fucked up family like mine. Why do I have to have a family like this?

I have made so many mistakes in my marriage/parenting/friendships. I'll never repair them and I'll never have fulfilling relationships.

And so on. As I write these out I realize how ridiculous they sound. These are the thoughts that are in my head and I repeat them often when I am feeling down. I have had these thoughts to varying degrees for years. How can I stop?

Teaching Children Responsibility

Fairchild — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:04:17 -0800

Please help me nip another parental failing in the bud. I want help my children be more responsible. I have a couple lazy parenting practices that I'm not proud of. They aren't doing my kids any favors and I wish to correct them.

My first-grader and third-grader have never been expected to clean their bedroom. I want to begin making this a requirement. Should I first show them how it is done and then allow them to clean it on a certain schedule? I'm not sure I want to give a monetary reward for completing the room cleaning. I think taking away a privilege would be more effective. Is this a good idea? How do you go about it with your children? Or, if you are not a parent, what were your parents' expectations?

They do pick up their toys in other rooms and outdoors when told, but they must be told. We have no chore chart or expectations for daily or weekly chores. When the mood strikes, or if we are having guests, we will ask them to do something and they will do it. I usually clean their bedroom because it is allowed to become a huge disaster and at this point I prefer doing it on my own because I am frustrated by the mess. I will give them tasks such as putting the Legos in the bin but I'm not sure they know how to make a bed, or pick a room from start to finish. Or, maybe I just think they can't. What should I expect at this age?

Also, I wake them up every morning for school. Should they have an alarm clock? What kind of morning routine is best to instill responsibility? I set out their clothes and prompt them what to do next. They don't even have to think for themselves in the morning because mom and dad are giving orders every step of the way. This doesn't sound very good but they are not babied. They have other responsibilities and we don't tolerate whining or excuses, we just haven't made them clean up after themselves with any kind of regularity.

I never had regular "chores" as a kid. My mother cleaned my bedroom and woke me up for school. She probably dressed me until I was in the fifth-grade. I don't want to repeat this pattern and time is slipping by. I wish for them to be more responsible and self-directed.

I feel like I should know how to do this but I want advice on how to best go about it.

Thanks.

Yes. I am cheap. That is evident.

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 07:44:35 -0800

is it my responsibility to pay for fixing the rearview mirror? I have an older, kind of obnoxious foreign landlady who frequently asks myself and my girlfriend to perform odd little favors for her around the apartment. This can range from making her cable box work to carrying her laundry to the laundromat for her. I find her constant requests annoying, and generally feel put out by them, but I do them in the interest of keeping relations between her and I on the up and up. Also, since she's somewhat hard to communicate with (English is not her first language) I find it easier to acquiesce than to explain why I don't want to do things for her.

A week ago Friday (the 24th) she asked me to back her car into her driveway, because she can't do it herself. Obviously, as you will soon find out, I can't either. The driveway has a gate that opens inward (the driveway is incredibly narrow and between two buildings) and while I was backing it up, the rearview mirrror was caught between two slats of the gate, *snap* *crackle* *pop* it is now hanging by a wire on the side of the car.

She wasn't home at the time, so I left her a note, and we talked about it briefly before I left on vacation for a week the following morning. She kept asking me "What I do? What I do about this?" I just told her to take it to the mechanic, because I didn't have any other advice. I left at 4AM the following morning.

I got back last night, hoping against hope that the mirror would be fixed, and that's the last I'd hear of it, or she'd at least present me with a bill and we could talk about it. Alas, it's still dangling there, taunting me.

My question is basically this:

Is it my responsibility to pay for this? My impulse is that I should, at most, pay for half of this, if at all. But I understand that by agreeing to do something like this, it becomes at least partially my responsibility. I don't want to make my living situation difficult or annoying, but at the same time, I don't want to shell out because my landlady doesn't know how to park her car.

I fully expect to be eviscerated in the comments, so be as mean as you like.

Thanks.

How do I stop feeling like I'm living someone else's life?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:50:54 -0800

How do I stop feeling so detached from everything? Sometimes I truly feel engaged with my life, attached to my loved ones, and comfortable with the choices I have made in life. But inevitably, I fall back on what seems to be my default state: aloof, noncomittal, chafing at the expectations others place on me, and unable to empathize or care for anyone else. It seems like every few days I'm ready to drop everything, hit the road, and start my life over somewhere new.

There was a time years ago when I thought the answer was to never settle down. Constant travel, falling in love a hundred times over, that kind of life seemed the only way to feel alive. But I just couldn't handle it and eventually gave in to the pleas of those who love me to not throw away my talents, to go back to school, get a good career, start a family.

I have all that now, but so much of the time a feel like a ghost or like I'm watching someone else's life. It's often quite obvious that I'm just going through the motions of my life.

I'm an asshole, I know. A whiner. I should just suck it up and get on with life. Well, sucking it up is exactly what I'm doing. I just want to know if it's possible, that one day I'll stop feeling this way and really know who I am.

Have any of you ever felt this way? Have any of you ever overcome it once and for all?

They left us alone. Now what?

reenum — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 06:46:07 -0800

I want to read fictional and/or true stories about people being put into positions of responsibility unexpectedly for extended periods of time and how they deal with it. I was listening to "This American Life" and there are a category of stories on the show I am particularly drawn to. It's the stories of people being put into positions of responsibility and authority and how they deal with these situations.

I'm also interested in stories where employees have to cover for an absent boss/bosses.

Finally, stories of children being forced to live alone for extended periods of time while their parents are absent.

Examples of what I'm talking about are:

-From Episode 346: Act 2 about Clevins Brown

-Episode 334: Duty Calls

-Even though it's cheesy, Home Alone.

If these sorts of stories have a name, I'd like to know that as well.

Thanks!

What is legal responsibility?

daveg — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 14:33:24 -0800

What is covered by 'legal responsibility' in relation to a home insurance policy (in the UK)? When we went away on holiday, my wife left her engagement ring with her parents (for safe keeping). Unfortunately, they were burgled while we were away and the ring was stolen. The insurance policy only covers the ring if her parents were 'legally responsible' for the ring when it was left in their safe keeping. Does anyone know if this is the case?

Where to start when you start over?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 09:49:46 -0800

How do you start over, with a new love or without one? Heartfelt, soul-searching soap opera of my life and love inside. You met them (to avoid silly pronoun problems) on the internet. They made you laugh. You thought it was harmless. Both of you had other commitments, other relationships in your lives.

Neither of you intended it to go anywhere. It was just supposed to be friendship. Somehow, you tumble head-over-heels anyway. They confess to feeling the same way.

You both overcome boundaries--complicated personal relationships, huge geographical distances--to meet "IRL". You figure it has all been too good to be true online. Surely this will only lead to disappointment IRL.

But you meet. You laugh often. You revel in the conversation and lively debate. Evntually, inevitably, you make love. The sex is incredible. You have never felt so free, so independent in your life. And you feel like...yourself. No pretenses, no subterfuge. Then the two of you separate as planned, go back to your "other lives".

Being pragmatic by nature, you tell yourself that you are just infatuated, that you are not thinking clearly. Happens all the time, you know. People do this. They meet online, get together, fool themselves that they have something when they don't. This will pass, you tell yourself. The infatuation will fade. It's wrong to feel this way. Let it go.

You make a dedicated effort to end it, going months without contacting them. You fall into a deep depression. You go to therapy, you take medication. Nothing helps. Conversely, even your real-life relationship, which you had sought to help by this separation, worsens because you feel so disconnected to everything and everyone emotionally.

Only when you are with them, even if it is only online, are you happy. It is not what they do--just knowing they are part of your life is enough. And when, finally, you accept this and get back in touch with them, it's as if no time at all has passed. The two of you come back together seamlessly, effortlessly. And, of course, you want more than just the online stuff. You continue to see them when you can.

This is not just a fling, like so many others. The feelings only grow stronger over time. Gradually, It becomes a relationship measured not in days, weeks or even months, but years. Their support has helped you do things in your real life you never had the courage to do before. They've helped you discover yourself. Along the way, you have come to terms with the problems in your real life relationship, and you know you have to do something about them. You know there is little communication, and that you have never had the emotional intimacy you need to thrive.

You feel you could be independent now, when before you felt trapped. At various times in your relationship with them, you have both considered changing your lives, despite the many hardships and the others involved, to be together. Now, you feel you are ready.

You understand that they may not be able to go through with it. It's a huge commitment. You know that in the end they may lack the conviction or the courage to leave the life they have now. Only they can decide what is right for them.

Regardless of what they do, you feel you must make the change in your own life. It is not about a promise of something that might be, but an end to something that no longer is.

And of course you're scared to death. This is a secret years in the making. You can handle being called selfish, a betrayer--you deserve all that. But you don't want to hurt anyone any more than you have to when you leave. You don't even know if you should tell them the whole truth, the why behind your decision.

So you go online, and ask nameless, faceless people you have never met, (but maybe people who will be objective simply because they don't know you) HOW do you do this?

How do you end one life and begin another without destroying the lives of those you leave behind? How do you move out on your own when you have always been sheltered and protected before?

Where do you START?

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate???

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:36:49 -0800

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate??? Long story short, my widowed mother (who is young by definition - late sixties) let her life go to hell in a hand basket. My DH and I moved her in with us so that we could give her care and keep her from living the horrible existence that she was (dirty house, unable to take care of the pets she had, not eating right - living off of crap - and not managing her severe diabetes). When we moved her in with us, my DH and I were both 27 years old and had only been married for 5 months. That was over 3 years ago.

She doesn't give a damn about her health and always has a convenient excuse to justify what she feels like doing or not doing. She almost put herself in a diabetic coma once because she didn't manage her diabetes even though the doctor had clearly ordered her to do so. Obviously it is perfectly fine to eat a huge tin of peppermint bark that you had hidden in your room and then try to balance it out with insulin injections.... Right! And she has so many health conditions (osteoarthritis, obesity, fibromyalgia, SEVERE diabetes and the many complications that are resulting from the diabetes) not to mention her appalling lack of self-maintenance and personal hygiene... Two months ago, she fell and broke her leg. She wound up in the hospital and had to have surgery to repair the break. This has left her as non-weight bearing for 3 months. She is obese and cannot walk without a walker when she has two legs to walk on. So she has had to go to a nursing home until she can rehabilitate but has been very unhappy about that reality and has tried to get out of the rehab requirement on more than one occasion. She actually told my husband and I that she would be fine if she would just sit at home in her recliner while we went to work and if we made her some PBJ sandwiches and a glass of water so she could make it through the day until we got home. This is crazy... We told her no and I don't think she gets it.....

She has alienated my other siblings through her master manipulator bullshit and as a result I have lost one of my siblings (no longer speaks to my mother or myself) and the other is only helping out/sticking around because they love me and want to support me/not leave me hanging. My mother has nothing to do all day long but sit around and read trashy novels, but somehow she can't seem to manage making her own doctor appointments (even though I set up a HIGHLY convenient calender which has everyone's schedule on it - hence eliminating the excuse of 'I can't make appointments since I don't know what your schedules are and someone has to take me to the doctor). Did I forget to mention that she quit driving for no particular reason?

My husband and I have REPEATEDLY sat down with her and told her that her current situation and methodology in handling it has been unacceptable. Take a shower, change your clothes, wash your hair, eat right, exercise wherever and however you can, and for the love of god, start acting like a member of the living human race!!! Now last time I checked, she was not declared mentally incompetent and I was not appointed as her guardian. In my mind, this means that my family and I do what we need to do in order to make her life at home comfortable within reason. This does not mean that I am supposed to be her personal assistant/secretary and that she can just sit back and be the Queen of Sheba with no responsibilities what so ever. It also does not mean that she can just sit there and let herself be filthy and stink just because it takes so much effort to take a shower. And god forbid she does take that shower and clean herself up! Then she can't do anything for the rest of the day because it "took so much out of" her...

Yes, I am at fault for allowing this behavior to go on for as long as I have. But I have had my awakening and I also have a infant son who needs his mother since he is in fact a baby and cannot take care of himself. Therefore here are the questions that I have at hand:

# 1 - How can I convey that I am done catering to her, that she is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself and that I am invoking the protective shield of self-preservation immediately?

#2 - Once I have established the bare minimum requirements for her, how do enforce them? I know that one thing I can use is "if you don't/can't meet these expectations then we aren't equipped to take care of you anymore". The only problem with that is that it will become an empty threat if used too much. What other repercussions can I use?

# 3 - How can I break free of her manipulation of me through guilt? I need to rid myself of those shackles in order to be strong and not allow further mind games by the master manipulator.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you might have or any suggestions you can offer. I've set up a throw-away email address at: preserving.my.sanity@gmail.com

I'm not the only one

mammary16 — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 06:19:34 -0800

Help me cover my ass. I was recently put in charge of an editing project. In the course of the project, I worked with another person who I clearly tasked a few specific high-priority issues to.

I neglected to fully follow up on her regarding a few of those issues, and now I've been pulled back in to correct some errors that I should have caught the first time around. In particular, she neglected to do anything about 3 major issues that had been specifically mentioned by our client.

I was in charge of the project, and the fact that I signed off without making sure those errors were corrected is my responsibility. Still, is there some message I can send the project manager to fess up but still make clear that my associate messed up as well without seeming like a jerk?

I was thinking something along the lines of "I regret these three 3 issues getting past me - I had tasked them to [ ] and didn't follow up to make sure they were finished."

Does that sound too passive-aggressive?

My main concern is to maintain a good working relationship with my client.

Any thoughts? What do you do in similar situations?

Am I responsible for the Holocaust?

krautland — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 15:27:46 -0800

Am I responsible for the Holocaust? I met a girl at a party who I happened to have a memorable conversation with and I am not sure what to make of something she said. Perhaps you can help…

I believe we chatted along for about an hour or two and then went outside for a bit more privacy. Fast forward through some light making out, holding hands and further conversation. Then she asked me about “that slight accent” of mine. “I’m german,” I replied. This, apparently, was a mistake. She turned pale white, took a step back, said “oh no, I’m jewish, I hate germans” and walked away never to be seen again. The conversation however has stayed with me.

This all happened a couple years back but I still remember being at first amused (“so that’s how that feels”) and after a few days gradually becoming angrier about this. Of course I know what she means but I find it difficult to accept responsibility for something that ended thirty-two years before I was born. It’s not like I had a say in it.

I do wonder if I'm missing something. Should I feel responsible for the Holocaust in spite of my late birth because I am german or was she wrong to imply I should?

"Gnade der späten Geburt" - wer dieses lesen kann, wird gebeten, diese Runde auszusitzen. Mich interessieren nichtdeutsche Meinungen.

Help us be responsible parents for a 1yo German Shepard.

Effigy2000 — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 14:54:24 -0800

My girlfriend and I are (probably) soon to be the owners of a 1 year old German Shepard. We know (and love) the dog and the dog knows (and, we're sure) loves us. But we've never been responsible for anything more than a plant before and that plant died. What are some tips other German Shepard owners can impart, in terms of what we can expect and how best to take care of him? First, for your edification, here's a picture of the dog, whose name is Wolf, both from 1 year ago when he was a puppy and (essentially) now, when he's gone and gotten a bit older.

Why We're Getting Him.

My parents, who are both getting on, bought him a year ago. He is a very energetic and playful dog. Whenever we see him on our visits to my parents house on Sunday's we'll play with him and he'll bound with near limitless energy for the whole time until we're exhausted. And we're in our mid-20s! So my parents simply aren't up to it anymore. They wanted to move him on to a strangers house, which I couldn't bear as both I and my girlfriend love Wolf very, very much. So we said we would take him on, my parents agreed, and within the next day or so we expect to go over and pick him up.

Why We're A Little Nervous.

First; we're renting. The landlord has said we can have Wolf, so there's no issues there. But Wolf, having as much energy as he does, tends to like to chew on things, and not just his toys. We plan to try and spend some of his energy on as many walks and trips to the dog park as we can fit into our schedules, but we worry that may not be enough.

Second; our schedules. I work pretty much 9 to 5, often 9 to 6 or 7. My girlfriend is currently between jobs, so she will be home with him a lot during the day for the moment, but since she is looking for a job, what happens when she is away for most of the day as well? How is he likely to cope?

Third; Spiders. There's a lot of them in our backyard. We've even found a few redbacks here and there. We plan to spend the next day or so killing as many of them as we can and taking measures to try and prevent their return, but we worry this may not be full proof. Any tips?

In Conclusion...

As I said earlier, we've never been responsible for anything more than a plant, and the plant died. We are well aware that a dog is going to be an enormous responsibility and it will take a lot of effort and work on our part. As part of that responsibility, we want to ask other German Shepard owners what we need to do that we may not yet have done or thought to do, what we can expect that we may not yet have expected and simply any other tips and tricks that we can use to make Wolf's new life with us here at home as pleasant and as happy as possible.

Thanks in advance!

How do I know if my elected representatives are doing a good job?

cmiller — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 18:35:51 -0800

How can I, a US citizen, be more informed about my lawmakers' decisions and whether they're doing a good job? I have an example that I wonder about intensely, today's Senate Intelligence Committee meeting. I think the telecom companies who helped the government wiretap us without warrants should be held responsible. The Bush administration doesn't. The Senate has a bill in review that gives retroactive immunity to any criminal activity by the telecom companies.

I'm lucky that one of my senators,Bill Nelson (FL), is on the Senate Intelligence Committee, which met today "in a closed session" to review that very bill. I called his office yesterday to express my ideas and explain why it's a bad idea to let telcom off the hook.

Well the committee meeting is over and another senator managed to put a serious road-block in front of the bill, but I want to know what my senator did to stop it, if anything. But, how?

Is there some effort like what the UK has in They Work For You . com, but for US citizens? How can that huge mess at Capital Hill be less opaque to us common men? How can I know whether my representative is worthy of my vote?

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I?

elisynn — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 22:27:05 -0800

How to stop feeling like I need to do my own work plus everyone else's? One of my bad habits is to feel overly-responsible for everything. For example, I might put a lot of effort and dedication into a summer job, even when it's dead-end and I know I only took it to save up some money; I usually end up taking on more responsibility than I need to or find myself mulling at length about a certain problem even at home, trying to resolve it. That's great for my employer, but not so great for me. I do that with people too. I don't micromanage their lives, but I do end up taking on part of their problems and getting preoccupied with them. Sometimes it seems that I think their resolution is more important to me than it is to them.

The world won't stop running if I focus more of my mind on the things that concern me the most or only the most important tasks, and I know I'm usually happier for it. The question is how to do that more frequently (or more efficiently?). Sometimes I almost feel like I'm not doing my "job" (whether it's work or being a good friend/family member/co-worker or whatnot) if I just relax a little, but then I'm not being there for me.

Help me become a responsible adult...

Anonymous — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 05:31:30 -0800

Help me become a responsible adult... I graduated college a little over three years ago, and so far I feel like I'm failing completely at creating an adult life for myself. I don't really have a social life, or any real social relationships outside of work. I don't have a SO or any reasonable expectation of finding one. I don't have any hobbies or activities that I enjoy (except working). I have an idea of the things I should do (find a therapist, excercise every day, volunteer, take a class and try to meet people) but I have a lot of trouble motivating myself to actually do these things. Usually what happens is that I make an initial appointment to meet with a therapist or pre-pay for a set of classes and then never show.

The odd thing is, work is going great. I'm passionate about my job, and my projects usually go pretty well. I get a lot of positive feedback from my bosses. Then, during weekends and evenings, it's like someone flips a switch and I turn off. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything, even little things like going outside for a walk or washing the dishes. It's like I'm waiting for someone to come tell me what to do. But since I live alone, the only person who's around to make me take responsibility for myself is me... and this doesn't seem to be something I'm capable of right now.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? How did you "grow up" and start taking responsibility for your own life, health, and happiness?

off my lawn, you punk!

M.C. Lo-Carb! — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 09:05:27 -0800

Heeliefilter: If my 7-year-old neighbor dashes his brains out on my brick driveway, will I be held responsible in any way? My neighbor's kid is not allowed to play in the street, and his own driveway is gravel. Thusly, he has taken to circling around on my brick driveway for hours on end with his heelies (for the uninitiated: shoes with a rollerskate wheel embedded in the heel). He does not wear a helmet.

He's a nice kid, and I like the neighbors OK, but I've seen him go down hard a couple times. If he is injured in some way, will I be held liable for this? I've always heard, anecdotally, that injuries on your property, such as a slip-and-fall on ice, would be your responsibility. Could I be sued?

If it makes any difference, I live in New Mexico.

Do we need a financial planner?

tastybrains — Fri, 12 Jan 2007 06:46:19 -0800

Because we are looking to buy our first home in the next few months, my husband and I want someone with more knowledge to help us figure out our financial situation - where we're at and where we should aim to be. I am not sure if what we're looking for is a financial planner, or if this is even really necessary to do before we go home shopping. My worry is that most financial planners (if that's even what we'd want) seem to be focused solely on retirement planning & investing. I'm not sure if that's what we need. Basically, my husband & I are 27 & 26 respectively and were married last year. We both have decent jobs, and are not in a ton of debt - I have a credit card balance that we need to pay off, and some student loans that are very low interest that we're not in a rush to pay off. We have no car payments and pay all our bills on time, etc.

Due to our personal savings and some generous wedding gifts, we're at a point where we feel ready to put a down payment on a house. We pay a lot in rent to live in an apartment that doesn't really meet our needs...we're both extremely tired of apartment living and feel ready to take on the responsibility of owning a house. All of the mortgage calculators we've tinkered with have indicated that we should be able to afford the type of house we're looking at with our down payment amount plus a monthly payment that's not that much more than our monthly rent.

We are also at the point where we're thinking about having a child within the next 2-3 years.

Because of these two huge responsibilities, we kind of want someone with more experience to look over our finances and help us determine if we're doing the right things with our money, and how best to prepare for our future goals.

What's the best way to do this? Is there a professional we can hire to do this? If so, how do we find one who is reputable and won't try to sell us stuff?

Or would we be better off getting some books (any recommendations would be appreciated) and doing some hardcore research?

What do most people do in our situation?

What to do, when drama is no longer entertaining?

whatnot — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 09:26:28 -0800

I am a hopelessly moderate, hyper-responsible, mostly mellow person. How can I help my niece, who is very bright, but hyper-emotional and kind of an over-the-top drama queen, create stability for herself and/or make more responsible choices? Normally, I would just make myself available and be as supportive as possible while she tried to figure things out for herself. But I have a job to do and I can't figure out how to do it.

I run an educational trust for my family. We are not Rockefellers, by any means, but this money is giving some kids who wouldn't otherwise have the means to go to college a chance to do so. Two months into her first semester, my niece is having to withdraw. Some circumstances were beyond her control, but much of what's happened is a result of either poor choices due to her naivete, or just hasty decisions based on what's cheapest/easiest/available at the time. She will have to be a lot more stable before she is given a second (and final) chance by the other heirs in the trust--we are working on those criteria now.

Other facts: She is 22 years old and has been on her own, I think, for about a year. She lives about 1500 miles away from me. Her parents are supportive emotionally, but not financially (she is 22 years old, after all). My job as trustee is not only to make sure education expenses are covered, receipts collected, blah, blah, blah, but also to *encourage* these kids to reach their potential.

IN SHORT: how do I deal with a drama queen? What do I do when the histrionics start to sound like foreign gibberish? How can I facilitate a little more stability without either babying her or being too tough?

Legal basis for disclaiming responsibility

toomanyplugs — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 08:16:07 -0800

What legal support is there for an entity to disclaim responsibility? A lot of public places (i.e. parking lots, shopping malls, etc.) have certain discalimers that they are not responsible for any loss or damage to your car, for instance, while on the property. I understand that this is to minimize lawsuits brought against them, and this seems fair, since these places are privately owned and you are agreeing to this when you enter the property.

But I've noticed other legal entities are doing this, too, and I wonder what weight their disclaimer holds? I am thinking most notably of dump trucks, trash trucks, etc. on the freeway. Most of them have a small sign on them that says they are not responsible for broken windshields due to crap falling from their truck. But can they support this in court? Wouldn't any damage done to my car because of their negligence to clean up or fasten their loads be their legal responsibility?

If this sort of disclaimer is valid, then what else can (hypothetically) be frivolously disclaimed with the same precedent?

(This reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Lisa and Bart walk towards each other punching and kicking the air, and it's "not their fault" if one of them gets in the way.)

...ya, ya, YANAL and all that... just food for thought...

Landlord/tenant responsibility for converting outlet voltage

moira — Thu, 16 Mar 2006 13:49:23 -0800

We have just moved into a rental condo. The laundry area is equipped for a 110V gas clothes dryer. Of course, ours is an electric dryer requiring 240 Volts. We want to have the outlet converted to the correct voltage, but I'd like to know whether we should expect to pay for this before contacting our new landlord, and how much it will cost. Here's the cringe-worthy bit: the condo came equipped with a very basic washer and dryer already, but as I already had a very nice set with all sorts of handy settings which I am quite attached to, I told the landlord that the new washer and dryer weren't necessary. I hoped it wouldn't be a big deal, as she could sell them or use them elsewhere. They were wheeled away almost two weeks ago. Only after we slid our own washer and dryer in did we see our mistake. Where I come from, this electric connection is standard, but it doesn't seem to be that way here.

So, how do I go about requesting this modification in a considerate way? I really hate to put our landlord out for this, especially after making it such a big deal in the first place. Do I contact her for the fix, and offer to pay up front? Or is this something that landlords have to do all the time, and expect to pay for? I'm definitely tending towards an up-front offer of payment, if only to feel like less of a jerk.

Who is responsible for a stolen and "washed" check?

elquien — Tue, 20 Dec 2005 11:04:28 -0800

Who's responsible when a bank cashes a check that has been stolen and "washed"? My parents had a check stolen from their mailbox (originally written for $25), which was then "washed," and a new amount was entered ($1000). The thieves took it to the bank where my parents have an account and cashed the check rather than depositing it into an account, i.e. there is no traceable trail to the person who cashed the check (except for a grainy bank video).

My question is this: is the bank responsible for cashing a sketchy check for $1000, or is it my parents' fault for being naive enough to put a check in the mailbox? Has anyone experienced anything similar? Did the bank reimburse you? This took place in the US, btw.

Truly, Denmark is a prison...

Who_Am_I — Fri, 23 Sep 2005 08:44:22 -0800

My girlfriend is studying abroad in Copenhagen, Denmark this semester. On Monday there was a rather serious fire in the kitchen of her "dorm." Nobody was hurt, but the response and follow-up has been less than ideal. Please help us get someone to take action. At around 3:00am on Monday one of the girls got up to use the bathroom, and saw that the kitchen was on fire. No smoke detectors were sounding. She attempted to sound the fire alarm, but it didn't work. She went door to door waking people up, while another girl tried the other fire alarms (the third one worked). The fire department showed up before it spread to the rest of the building, but the kitchen is totally destroyed, and many of the surrounding rooms (common room, dining room, etc.) were damaged beyond use.
The fire was clearly an electrical fire caused by one of the refrigerators. Ten days before this, the residents had reported that one of the refrigerators had frayed wire and standing water behind it. The maitenence guy for the building told the school that he sent someone out to look at it and that they found it to be OK. This guy has a well-established history of telling the school that he has fixed things which he in fact has not.
The fire chief was there at some point after the fire and told them that the building had passed inspection at some point in the past, that no smoke detectors was not against fire code, and seemed to think that one in three fire alarms working was good enough. Surely Danish fire law cannot be this lax?
The air quality in the building has obviously been affected. Talking to my girlfriend just now, she was coughing and clearing her throat the whole time. The fire department has said that the air "should be ok to breathe", but they (the students) can't get anyone to actually come and test it. They were told on Tuesday that air filters had been set up (they had not), and again on Wednesday (they still had not), and now finally on Friday they have two small filters for the entire floor. Guess who was supposed to set them up, and told the school that he had done so on Tuesday.
Many of the girls have been psychologically affected by this event as well, and have had trouble sleeping, been anxious, etc. The school brought in two "psychologists", who everyone immediately realized were not professionals at all, and did nothing to help.
The school seems to think that everyone is overreacting, and keeps telling people to "calm down."
The problem is really this: the building is privately owned, and rented by the school to house students. It is very run down, and is to be torn down next year by a new owner. The school doesn't think that the building is their responsibility, and the new private owner is a secret because the transfer of ownership is not complete yet. Nobody feels safe in the building now, but nobody knows who to talk to to get any of this resolved.
I have suggested talking to a lawyer, and possibly the press (the building has a history of being the worst student housing in the city) just to put the pressure on.
They would like an assurance that the building is safe to be living in, or to be relocated. Any ideas on what they can do, or who they can talk to, to get some action here?

Poker and Babysitting?

fenriq — Tue, 23 Aug 2005 09:57:43 -0800

BabySitterFilter: My wife and I are currently arguing about whether its safe and/or appropriate to have some friends over playing cards while babysitting an active 13 month kid. The deal was that my wife was going out on Saturday and I was going to stay home with the kid and babysit him. A friend suggested playing some poker at my house so we could hang out, my boy could be safe and everyone would be happy.

But my wife swears up and down that there's no way he could be safe with six guys playing cards in the house even though this has already happened and not only was the boy fine, he had a great time playing with everyone and may have even learned some poker tricks.

We've spoken to friends and the inclination is towards that this was fine and that she's overreacting but she's asked other people and they've said that it was inappropriate. So I'm coming to the Great AskMeFi for answers.

I don't think I'm crazy in saying that this is not a big deal at all. My son was in the living room and kitchen with us the whole time or on my lap or a pal's lap. He got his snack and his dinner and got to bed on time.

So, the question is, after all of that: Would you be upset with your SO if they had friends over to play cards during a night when they are taking care of the baby knowing that all the people coming over know about the boy and are totally fine with sitting out hands as needed and helping out in keeping an eye on him?

How do I work with Medical Professionals to receive the best possible care?

weston — Wed, 17 Aug 2005 18:57:10 -0800

Medical Professionals and Savvy Patients: what advice can you give for working with Doctors most effectively? If I'm not satisfied, should I look for new doctors, or revise my approach, or both? I sometimes find myself very frustrated with visits to the doctor's office. I often feel like I'm not being educated about my health, and that a diagnosis given is merely a quick guess, rather than a well-tested hypothesis. I don't see tests run that I'd often think would be of interest, and see tests run that don't make sense to me. I end up with unanswered questions and sometimes feel unsatisfied that a course of treatment is truly addressing the problem.

To illustrate with an example: several years ago when I was suffering terribly from mysterious abdominal pain, I was given a treadmill test to see if it could be cardiovascular related, when at the time I considered myself in good shape from regularly running, hiking, and biking (the treadmill test bore this out). I was given Nexium on the assumption it might be acid reflux (no go). Meanwhile, it took a year to find a doctor who thought that running a battery of tests on stool sample might be an interesting idea, where I thought this would have been obvious thing to do -- the illness *felt* intestinal, and so looking at what intestines produce seemed reasonable (though they found nothing).

I think through these experiences I've become a bit more insistent and pushier,
but it's still a lingering issue. Sometimes when I ask more questions, I've gotten jargon that I feel is designed to test whether or not I'm really ready to talk about physiology/biology on the doctor's level, and discourage further questions. Sometimes when I've tried to guide attention to theories I've been considering, I've found the matter dismissed without much explanation, or glossed over in the hurry that seems to be inherent in a doctor's office.

I understand from my own working experiences in technology that sometimes it's difficult to explain things to clients who don't have the first idea of the field. I'm also empathetic to the demands of time. But it's my health, and I'm gearing up to check out several new and lingering issues, and I want to do better at working with health care professionals to get things right.

Are there practices I can adopt that will help better exchange between my doctors and I? Any kind of self-education that can improve things without making me a hypochondriac? Is this a simple assertiveness issue? Or if I find myself feeling uncomfortable or not listened to, is that a sign I simply need to shop around more to find doctors on my wavelength and care I'm content with?

Grocery Store F-ckups

Peter H — Mon, 09 May 2005 10:02:38 -0800

Hey - Has this ever happened to you? I was unloading my groceries last night and I found a bag of groceries grouped in the bunch that wasn't mine. I checked my receipt to make sure I wasn't actually charged for this stuff, and -before anyone panics- don't worry, I thankfully wasn't. And everything I bought was there ... But seriously, I wasn't in any mood to go back to the grocery store ... So now this bag of food is sitting on my kitchen counter. Do I return it? What responsibility to society do I have to return these groceries? There's no receipt indicating the proper grocery item owner. Could the grocery store even find out who these belong to? What steps would they even take? These are the sorts of questions I am askmetafiltering you. The second dilemma is that the bag has some toiletry items in it that I'd just feel silly or embarrassed about returning. In fact there's no way I could keep a straight face returning them. And there's also some nice looking organic juice in there that I wouldn't mind drinking. Questions are, do I return the bag? Throw it away after drinking the juice? Donate the toiletries to Goodwill? Post fliers around town with the word FOUND - BAG OF GROCERIES with a phone #? I mean, wtf? And also, have any of you ever gotten home to realize you're missing a bag of groceries? Or found yourself in a situation like I am in now with a bag of groceries not my own? Thank you for your thoughts.

Canadian Travel Agent's legal responsibility

Bearman — Tue, 22 Feb 2005 19:07:36 -0800

Can a travel agent be held legally responsible for costs incurred due to providing incorrect information? When our plane was delayed (and despite what the airlines told us), we spent an additional (unplanned) $1600 to make a connecting flight on the recommendation of our travel agent. We subsequently found out that we could have gone the next day for a $240 change fee, but I put my trust in my travel agent...thinking she would be looking out for our best interests vs the airlines. Wrong! The airlines had it right - she had it wrong.
My agent has admiited that, in hindsight, maybe she should have called our connecting airline (which she deals with on an ongoing basis, and with whom she'd arranged our flight) to find out about change of plans, but claims she wasn't aware they allowed changes and felt it wouldn't do any good calling.

My travel agent also asks "why didn't you buy insurance", to which I reply - "wouldn't need it, if you had just given me the right info!"
I am considering taking this matter up in small claims, but would appreciate any insight (legal or otherwise) from anyone out there. Thanks!