Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with respect

Uncertainy is a long time friend.

lwclec072 — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:48:16 -0800

Conquering confidence issues at the age of 25. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, I'm so lucky to have found him but I feel like I've found him at the wrong time of my life and feel like nothing but a nuisance. I really shouldn't feel this way, he has been absolutely amazingly patient and loving towards me despite my self esteem problems. Before him I've had nothing but bad experiences with men everything from my virginity being taken as a joke at the age of 22 to being the other woman many times. My current relationship is my first real boyfriend and first serious relationship. In the past, I'd met quite a few nice guys but would never open up and always became distant as I always had this fear of not being good enough. I realize all my bad experiences with men is most likely due to my lack of self respect. The problem for me today is that it's definitely not fixing itself, I have found this amazing man and I'm letting these issues I have inside ruin our relationship, I have constant fear that he'll leave me that I'm not good enough and that I have nothing to offer to him. I'm honest with him about my feelings, he tries to reassure me but it really doesn't help much because of trust issues. He's been so very patient with me but I'm slowly letting it pull us apart. I feel like I cannot really love him and make him happy until I'm happy with myself and that's the truth. I cannot give him the love and respect that I believe he deserves because of all these problems I allow my relationships with others to revolve around. He's willing to stick with me through it and says it's not a good excuse to let go of someone you love. All of these feelings just starting to come up again is just hard to handle, if you want you can read my past questions, only to possibly get a better understanding of things. The main issue here though is my lack of confidence/lack of respect for myself and others. If I'm not confident with myself at the age of 25, I'm terrified that I may never get there, I feel completely hopeless.

On a side note, I know this question is horribly written and disorganized, but this was a very hard question for me to formulate. I thought that the hive would be the place to come to ask for the most genuine and thoughtful opinions/advice. I'm hoping I do not get the same advice I've received elsewhere, that I need to grow up and get counseling. Also, yes, I do have an emotionally fragile soul, that's certainly a weakness of mine.

Thanks in advance for anything you have to offer to my trainwreck of a situation.

Veni Vidi Vicious

Christ, what an asshole — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:27:03 -0800

How do I become an effective leader? I'm a new member to an organization, and I've been tasked with the head position for our 20-member recruitment class.

I've held management positions in the past, but I still feel relatively inexperienced. That is, I'm learning everything on the go. We're pretty much a ragtag bunch who all met within the last couple weeks. As far as I know, I've earned everyone's respect and haven't violated anyone's trust.

For those with experience, what are some issues I can expect to come across? Any anecdotes and advice are welcome.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T - it means wierd things to me...

kitcat — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:29:06 -0800

I think I'm ready to transition from being a person who primarily wants to be liked to a person who primarily wants to be respected. I'm very respectable. I'm responsible, interesting, a good and caring person, yada yada.
But I don't openly stand my ground. I don't take leadership roles. I avoid talking about my achievements. If I've asserted myself, I feel funny about it and backtrack into being sheepish and self-effacing. All this, because I'm afraid that while I might be respected more for doing these things, they feel icky and make me uncomfortable. I don't want to intimidate other people. The thought of being an intimidating person horrifies me. I also don't want to become insensitive to others. I don't want to be seen as arrogant, or a jerk. I don't want to come off as though I think I'm better than other people. The qualms go on and on...

When I was much younger, I got my social currency from being pitied. People were attracted to a) dominating me; or b) taking care of me. Now that I'm not such a moron, I get that social currency from being likeable and thus well-liked. But I think I'm ready to graduate to being respected.

Please help me figure out how I can do this, especially given my wierd hang-up(s)!

How to communicate with a loved one

CollectiveMind — Sat, 23 May 2009 06:50:48 -0800

Is there any reason why some people don't like to be "put on the spot" to answer questions? If it's true that everyone has their own way of communicating, mine is to ask questions. To me, it helps me learn something I didn't know, or solve a problem by asking questions that help me get to its root. But there are a couple people I know that say questions make them feel like they're being forced into an answer. They prefer statements of preference, since they say, statements make others to talk about themselves and their own feelings rather than trying to pull something out of someone else. They say I should ponder their statements and parce their truth from those statements rather than asking direct questions of them that they say make them feel anything from disrespected to attacked. I care about these people, so I'm not trying to make communication difficult, or sabotage it. But I don't see how an exchange of statements, and parcing truth from time spent "pondering" them improves or progresses communication or a relationship. Sometimes, I get frustrated because it feels like they're just dodging what I'm trying to understand, as if they're giving what they want but only on their own terms. But I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, so, I want to know is this common and what can I do to be better at interacting with these folks?

Getting credit for your ideas / combating someone who steals/takes credit for them

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:48:57 -0800

Do you know any effective strategies for getting credit for your ideas and work? One of my coworkers (a gentleman my senior by 20+ years who was recently quietly demoted below me because his lack of vision and tech skills) is regularly taking credit for my ideas at work and outside of work among industry leaders. What's worse, is he's much more well-connected than me in the industry we work in (it's a small world) and it appears he has been telling stories about all the great work and ideas 'he' is coming up with. Also, multiple times now I've had people approach me and ask me what it's like 'working for him.' ... He's been telling people that I'm his employee.

I'm pretty introverted, humble and was raised to respect your elders. I really don't feel comfortable bragging about my work. And I'm not trying to get someone fired or embarrass them but I'm starting to get frustrated and I'd like to get some recognition for my ideas. It seems at a time like this -- when heads are rolling left and right from layoffs in our industry -- it's especially important to make your worth known at your company and at potential employers. (I'm more concerned about the latter.)

I've asked him gently to give me proper credit on projects twice now and he's agreed and been very cordial when we talk about it, but he continues to 'forget' to share or give credit. What's worse, is I've tried to lead by example and every opportunity I've had, I try to promote other coworker's work (including his) to my superiors and when I can, publicly in the industry. I kinda hoped the good faith effort would eventually come back to me and this guy would be respectable and fess up, but it just doesn't seem to be happening.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with someone like this and how to get credit for your work and ideas, without being a self-promoting jerk?

Is self-deprecating humor a sign of weakness?

sherlockt — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 11:15:23 -0800

Is self-deprecating humor a sign of weakness? For as long as I can remember I really haven't had any problem engaging in self-deprecating humor. I'd say that I'm pretty up-front and open about my foibles and willing to laugh at them. I probably developed that sort of humor as a way to minimize the distance between myself and other people - for a lot of my life I was shy and quiet and serious and so I needed some way so that people didn't take that as being standoffish.

I (think I) know the difference between occasional self-deprecation and the kind of wallowing in my weaknesses that screams "AFFIRM ME, PLEASE!!", and I don't think I engage in the latter - from my perspective the humor is just to lighten up the situation when people think I'm too serious or distant.

I always assumed that other people would "get the joke" and take it as - "hey, this guy has some decent strengths, but he's not all up on his high horse either". But I'm beginning to suspect that rather all my self-deprecation is being taken at more than face value and people lose respect for me because of it. I've been sort of amazed at the number of times I make a joke about myself and people seem to take it seriously. Also, some of the way I joke about myself becomes the way OTHER PEOPLE joke about me, which is fine in small doses, but sometimes I feel crosses a line from joking to tearing down.

I've thought recently about the people I know that everyone seems to respect and trust, and I can't think of instances where any of them engage in this sort of humor. So what do you think of a person who engages in a moderate amount of self-deprecating humor?

How do I get people to not antagonize my phobia?

IndigoRain — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 00:28:01 -0800

How do I get people to respect my phobia? How do I make them stop antagonizing me by showing me the thing I'm afraid of? I am severely lepidopterophobic. Yes, I'm afraid of butterflies and moths. The teensy tiny ones don't bother me, but the bigger they are, the harder I fall, so to speak, and lately we've been getting some 2- to 3-inch-long moths with even bigger wingspans.

How do I get people to understand it's NOT FUNNY to point out butterflies to me in order to scare me? Recently I was at a friend's and one of the aforementioned oversized moths was in the livingroom, albeit dead. When I saw it I ran into the bedroom and locked the door, shrieking. My friend's daughter's 20-year-old friend was over and decided it would be hilarious to slip it under the door at me. Yes I screamed and cried and had to have someone open the door and remove the pest. In his defense he was not aware of my phobia. (Here's a big hint moron: If I run screaming from something, don't chase after me with it.) A few days later, a tiny little moth was in the house and he said sarcastically to me, "Hey IndigoRain, there's a MOTH in the house!" This was most definitely a patronizing tone and not a helpful warning.

How do I get jackasses like him to quickly realize that this is not funny and prevent the stupid things they do? I know many people don't understand my phobia - the most common replies I get are "but they're the most harmless creature on earth!" (not to me, to me they're big germy scary bugs) and "but they're so beautiful!" (see previous parentheses). I don't understand the people on Maury who are afraid of chickens or pickles, but you can be sure if I met them I wouldn't throw a chicken or a pickle at them.

I'm not interested in advice on overcoming my phobia - there's plenty of advice out there and I can't afford therapy right now. I just want to know how to get idiots to realize they're not making funny jokes - they're severely upsetting me. At least things that might work for the vast majority of people who aren't jerks who like to upset other people.

"We have started a culture!"

GuffProof — Sat, 17 May 2008 08:01:30 -0800

Does your workplace have a clearly-stated 'organizational culture' or defined theme or an All-Encompassing Guiding Principle for employees? I've been told to create one for our company. From scratch. HELP! I'm in HR at a manufacturing company with 200+ employees; ninety percent work in the plant, general factory labor.

High turn-over, low morale, conflicts, harassment, drinking, drugs, unfit supervisors... the bigger we get, the worse these problems become.

Not for lack of trying. We recognize these problems and work hard to turn things around. (Training programs, policy revisions, stepped-up enforcement, employee apprciation events, etc. ) With little result, unfortunately.

The execs decided that our efforts fail because they are unfocused and scatter-shot. 'We put out individual fires with no comprehensive firefighting plan.'

They have tasked me with fixing this. They want a theme. A guiding principle for our 'workplace culture'.

Something that all our efforts would trace back to... something to change and set the tone in the plant.

Trouble is, no one here (incl. me) has any experience with this type of thing. It's a family company with a very casual approach. No mission statements, few meetings, no tolerance for Dilbert-ization or business cliches. Until now, I guess.

Where do I start? The execs are no help. When I asked for guidance, a hint of what they had in mind, I was told "You want us to do your job for you. You tell us."

I replied that I just wanted a feel for what they were looking for in a theme, they told me to "go read a book or something."

I will do some reading / research, but I also want to hear your first-hand experiences. Would something like "ABC Company: A Culture of Respect" be too general? It keeps coming to mind, I must have heard it somewhere.

Any suggestions or descriptions of what works (or doesn't) in YOUR workplace would be greatly appreciated. THANKS!!

Do people react differently to information from those who are attractive vs. those who have expertise?

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:56:29 -0800

Prettygirlfilter: Is my roommate treating me differently than he treats my boyfriend because of looks? If so, how common is this? Women, does this happen to you? I want to post this anonymously so we don't get into a discussion of whether I am pretty or not or attractiveness in general (it's fairly subjective, symmetrical features notwithstanding). My roommate, "John", is 10 years younger than me and 5 years younger than my boyfriend. He is a single straight male and something of a know-it-all. He has not had a girlfriend for any time period since I've known him, going on 7 years. When asking a question that has a definite answer (example: How can I find the static IP address for my computer? or How can I make macaroni and cheese if we are out of milk?), he appears thoughtful and listens to my suggestions or answers.

Also, when I correct him if he's wrong, he acknowledges it. When my boyfriend does the same, he is often dismissive, sometimes laughs or questions me for verification of the boyfriend's answer. It's not a personality clash; he is overly nice to both of us on most occasions and has gone out of his way to do nice things for the boyfriend, like set up a shared music server, picks up movies he knows the boyfriend wants to see when he rents, and offers us both his leftovers when he cooks. So, in confusion, I ask of the men of metafilter: Do you listen more carefully to answers from a woman you find attractive? (Roommate has gotten drunk and told me in past years he finds me attractive).

Why would my answer be more valuable than, say, the boyfriend's if boyfriend is an expert in the field being questioned? An example would be a cooking question. My boyfriend is a cook in a restaurant but roommate acts embarrassed when discussing cooking with the boyfriend, but not me. Also, all three of us live together, if that makes any difference, but we work opposite schedules and are in different areas of the home, so I see the roommate maybe 3 times a week, at most.

Don't think I need a throwaway email because I don't think it's a huge deal that will require more clarification. I'm looking for anecdotal evidence as well as any studies that show people react differently to others based on attraction alone vs. level of expertise.

Lonely at the table

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 22:11:17 -0800

How do I get my husband to the dinner table? I am married. I have children. I cook dinner almost every evening. I assumed the role as the one who prepares meals a long time ago. This is OK with me. My husband isn't interested in cooking.

He has a bad habit of not coming to the dinner table when I announce dinner is ready. It peeves me to no end. I don't expect him to snap-to when I ring the dinner bell so to speak, but if he could mosey in within five or so minutes that would be nice.

I've done everything from giving a ten minute warning to explaining in very sincere tones that it hurts my feelings when he delays coming to the table. I took the time to cook a meal; it would be nice if it were appreciated and consumed while still hot.

Lately I've tried to not let it bother me. I've had a "whatever" attitude and me and the kids start eating without him. When I announce dinner is on, he calls out: "I'll be there in a minute" or "I'm coming" up to five or so times if I ask him enough, which I don't usually do, especially lately.

I think it's basic common decency to go to the table when a meal is prepared for you. Am I wrong about this? Why should I have to beg the man to come to the table? When his mother or anyone else prepares a meal he has the courtesy to go to the table. I'm worried that is sends a harmful message to our young children: Daddy doesn't respect Mommy. He's respectful of me and the kids in all other areas.

I don't think he does it to be rude, but in my eyes it is rude. I would understand if he were in the middle of something important. I would understand if he wasn't hungry. Usually he is on the computer or watching the news and he still won't come for at least 10-15 minutes after dinner is on the table. I want him to join us. It's important to me. Sometimes I am so pissed that I could care less if he stayed out there with Chris Matthews until his dinner was stone cold. I feel like I'm becoming Marie Barone.

Any suggestions? What is going on here? Am I overreacting? What am I doing wrong? Should I let it go and just continue to eat without him?

Hold the prayer and pass the potatoes

photoslob — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 21:56:40 -0800

How do I respectfully yet firmly request that a member of my extended family not say a prayer before a meal in my home? I'll be having family over informally on xmas day and we'll be eating sometime in the afternoon. My wife and I are not religious yet my mother-in-law and her husband are in-your-face-born-agains. Their brand of christianity compels them to wear their spirituality on their sleeve. I've asked politely in the past that they give the before-the-meal prayer a rest when in my home and it's always uncomfortable.

Power play

octomato — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 19:14:18 -0800

I got offered a better job, I quit. Now my boss is being a bitch. In March I interviewed for job A, nothing came up took job B. Pay is low, people are super nice. After 4 months job A offered me a better position (same industry), better pay and more responsibility. So I quit amicably.

My last day is this Friday and my boss (one of them) is being rude and unprofessional. He/She offers me tasks.... cleaning tasks. I refuse politely because I'm not the janitor, yet he/she calls me out on being lazy and "not a team player" in front of my peers. When does cleaning gunk with a razorblade become priority?

Should I be a push over and clean (as I did today) or be a man and just say no and ask him/her politely to respect me?

I know I'm not out of line and he/she is on a power play. Should I inform her/his superiors of this situation.

Oh also, this is the only task in the 4 months that he/she has askd me to do.

Finding my way with others

DarkForest — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 19:23:21 -0800

Some people seem to have a 'way' about them of gaining the willing cooperation of those around them. I seem to have none of that 'way' at all and I'd like to see if I could gain a little of it. All too often I feel overrun by others and cannot seem to get a balanced amount of cooperation and respect. I guess this is about social status and how to rise a bit above my low rung on the ladder. I'm assuming a good bit of what I'm looking for falls into that ineffable domain of subtle body language, tone of voice, and such. Is there some way of learning these things in a class or other safe setting? I'm not really looking for leadership roles or anything like that, just that subtle something, whatever it is, that might make social operations run a bit more smoothly and successfully for me at work and at home and in other casual situations. Thanks for any tips you can offer.

His father just passed away, he's from India, how do I show respect.

Null Pointer and the Exceptions — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 06:21:57 -0800

My Indian (Bangalore) co-worker's father just passed away. How do I offer him the proper condolences and support? He'll be returning to India for the next ten days. He's Hindu, and I'd like to know what the proper condolences/signs of respect are in this scenario, and what it entails culturaly speaking.

Don't vouch for me!

fijiwriter — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 12:37:07 -0800

How can I get a coworker to stop vouching for my time or presence? I have a coworker (in sales) who has a knack for setting up appointments without my knowledge and dragging me into them at the last minute. Today was the final straw - an email to a client saying that she and I wanted to set up a meeting sometime tomorrow, and would they be available. The kicker? She did not ask me if I was even going to be at work let alone available.

To put this in perspective, I have a wife who is due to give birth any time in next week or two (Yay! Go us!) and I don't want her or other coworkers to think they can just spring appointments on me amid last-minute baby/OB appointments.

So, what would be a polite yet firm, professional way to say, "You know, please check with me before you vouch for my time or presence in meetings you request with clients, especially at this point in our pregnancy when we have several appointments and dealings to work through."

Is that too harsh? Any other advice?

Getting others to work for you.

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 23:53:51 -0800

How do you get people to do things you tell them to do? Pretty much in any situation, I feel like I have trouble asking people to do things for me. If I need a ride, I feel embarassed asking my friends. I'm also scared, scared of them saying no. I hate it when someone refuses a request. It happens at work all the time, and it frustrates me to no end.

My theory is that I don't know how to get people to do things I want them o do. I always feel like I'm coercing them, and I feel like they resent helping me out.

I've read How to Win Friends and Influence People, it's pretty good, but I want something more straightforward than influence. I want to be able to manage people and direct and make things happen, in addition to being able to ask my roommate to do the dishes tonight.

I don't want to boss people around, I don't want to control them. But is there a book or something that will help me get the right kind of ideas about getting people to do what you want them to do?

Alton vs. Martha in the Kitchen?

UnclePlayground — Mon, 28 Nov 2005 11:42:57 -0800

Alton Brown vs. Martha Stewart: Who do you trust more in the kitchen? Please help my wife and I with a minor disagreement regarding who should be more respected in the kitchen with the cooking. This has nothing to do with crafts and gardening, we all know the scope of Martha's domain. Strictly food.
If you wanted to follow the teachings of one or the other, which would you prefer and most importantly, WHY?