Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relative

My grandfather is going to pass away soon. What do I say to family members?

helios410 — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:12:56 -0800

My grandfather is going to pass away soon. What do I say to family members? My grandfather is fighting to stay alive at this point, but the outlook looks grim. Some background: I did not have a very close relationship with him, but I have some great memories that I shared with him. He does not recognize me now, as he suffers from dementia.

The only time I have had a relative pass away I was much, much younger. Besides saying "I'm sorry", I am unsure of what I am supposed to say or do when this inevitably occurs.

The question that is on the forefront of my mind is what is the proper or suggested customs in regards to what I say and do for the following relatives?

1) my father (this is his father who's passing)

2) my grandmother

3) uncles/aunts/cousins

Thanks for reading.

There must be 50 ways to leave your employer... right?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:36:19 -0800

Should I get out of this uncomfortable job? Complication: nepotism. I'm a recent college grad. After all the fun-sounding, relevant-to-my-degree jobs I applied to this spring either rejected me or were canceled due to lack of funding, I accepted a job at a relative's business. It's in a very, very different field than the one that I went to school for and that I plan to pursue as a career. There's no way I would have been hired for this job were I not related to my boss.

Here's what I like about my current job:
1. The paycheck
2. My boss, being a relative, is understanding when I need to take time off
3. It's a relaxed work environment.

Here's what I don't like:
1. Like I said, this isn't the field I want to go into and I'm not really qualified. I'm also not very good at the work. I can do my tasks satisfactorily, but it's excruciating and takes a long time. I don't take pride in my work because I don't enjoy it, and I feel guilty having this job when there are a lot of unemployed people who would actually love it.
2. It's a long commute from my home. I wouldn't mind if I enjoyed being at work, but I feel like I'm spending most of my day being unhappy.
3. I get along well enough with my coworkers, but I have very little to talk with them about. They all have pretty similar goals, outlooks, and even hobbies, but I don't share them. Stupid as it is, I feel like (to give a poor example) a cowboy stuck at an eternal cocktail party with a bunch of software programmers, or an awkward, out-of-shape girl who ended up on a cheerleading squad out of nepotism.

An additional piece of information, which is either good or bad: I was hired this spring on an at-will, hourly-pay basis with the promise that I'd be brought on with a full-time salary and a year's contract at the end of the summer. This hasn't happened, despite my prodding ("we're too busy right now"), so I'm still technically an at-will employee. I have a verbal agreement with my relative that I will leave next fall no matter what.

At this point, I have not expressed any desire to leave to anyone at work (or to anyone in the family). I have, however, sent my resume out to a couple of potential employers in a field I know I like and am qualified for-- nothing fancy, but jobs I would enjoy going to every day.

If (and I realize that's a big if in this economy) I get an attractive job offer: Have you ever quit a job wherein your employer was a fairly close relative, in a way that didn't cause a family feud? How did you go about that?

Or: Is there a compelling reason (beside the economy) that I should suck it up for the next year and stay in this job?

Throwaway email: awkwardbomb@gmail.com

Perspectives on the downward spiral, please

greenland — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:57:04 -0800

Need advice for books on how to deal with a family member's suicide. I have every reason to believe that I just saw a close relative in the flesh for the last time. I can't really talk to anyone about this, so I'm hoping to find a book or three (or a blog, anything written) about or from people who've had to go through the experience of having to watch someone slip away, despite their best efforts. I know I can read through Amazon or Goodreads reviews, but I trust the hivemind more. Any suggestions?

How can I help you through this?

MayNicholas — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:43:57 -0800

What kind of support do you offer to a family member who accidently hit someone with thier car? My teenage cousin accidently hit a pedestrian with thier car. The victim is in serious condition. My cousin was not injured. Alchohol was not a factor. According to the family the sun got in my cousin's eyes and they didn't see the pedestrian. Which I can empathize with because these are small winding back roads with no sidewalk, and the victim would have had to been walking in the street. I can not imagine what they are going through (either family really). I want to offer my support, but I don't know what to say other than that they are in my thoughts.

What does a teenager going through this need right now? They are honestly a good kid who has never been in trouble before. What can I do for them being many, many states away?

Cousin reconnected.

frosty_hut — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 22:05:41 -0800

Forgotten relations have parachuted into my life...Can I make them useful? A few months ago, my mother's sister's husband rang me up. I hadn't seen him since my dad's funeral in 1992. He said he wanted to get in touch, and I was interested -- why not, I figured. Both my parents are dead and I have no family, other than an uncle on the east coast I rarely see (although I do have wonderful in-laws). And since my parents have been gone, I've been longing for someone to talk to about them.

Anyway, how to condense this? So my uncle by marriage is 87 and still charming. He took me to lunch a few times, spared no expense, and seemed fun and interested in my life and chatty. I was slightly disappointed that he didn't have much information about my mother. I don't know why I crave it so much, but it seems to me that my mother suffered a lot in her marriage to my dad, and that I was kept out of a lot of what was going on. In a way I've been dreading knowing more, but having this person around who was a link to old times and early memories and a possible source of interesting stories really excited me.

So my uncle has been wonderful, but he doesn't really care to talk about my folks. Enter his daughter, my cousin Gail. She started emailing me with an obsessive interest--at first. She was apologetic, almost humble, and said she felt bad that she deserted me at the time of my parents' deaths. It was okay, I said -- it's never too late to reach out, etc. But I was curious about why she wanted to get in touch again. We never really knew each other at all, what with a 20-year age difference and being in different cities. I knew that she and my uncle had had some dispute with my father just before he died, and I don't think they ever made it up with him before he passed on. I imagine a lot of what's behind their urge to connect with me is guilt-driven. But I'm not sure.

So I meet up with Gail (this is the first time I've seen her in about 30 years) and her father, my uncle, and gail's husband, and my uncle's wife, and my husband, and we have brunch in a weird, dark restaurant, and we promise to stay in touch, and since then I haven't heard from my uncle at all.

I'm wondering what I said or did, but the contact has stopped. I could call him, and I might... but I'm not sure I want to. He tells the same stories over and over, and has the wrong kind of approach to my mother: "She was a beautiful woman! Her figure was perfect!" Kind of pervy and not really what I'm after.

Gail has cancer, it turns out, and now I'm on her cancer email group list. I guess I'm flattered. I'm learning all about her illness, but I still don't really know her. She keeps saying she's going to invite us to visit her (she lives a few hundred miles away), but hasn't actually offered a specific date. She's cooled off quite a bit since meeting me and my husband. But I'm still on the damned email list.

I'm left with the feeling that I didn't measure up somehow, in a contest I never knew I was enrolled in. It's like, Hey, hi, I'm in your life now! Oh, hey, bye, I'm busy now, I'm not in your life anymore! My thought over this is just one gigantic WTF.

The only way Gail could be important to me, other than taking the time to get to know me, which she's obviously both too busy and too sick to do, would be to tell me what she remembers of my mother, her aunt. I feel like writing to her and saying, Gail, frankly I'm mainly interested in you because you're my last living link to my mother. You've hinted there's more to my mother's life than I was ever aware of, and you've suggested that you'd be willing to share that with me. I would appreciate it if you'd write down everything you can remember about her."

I don't want to imply that I have no other use for Gail, but she really milks her illness to an offensive extent. She seems to be expecting a certain reaction or involvement from me that I simply can't muster. I've never been seriously ill myself and I don't know what it's like, but I think it's rude that she only wanted to make contact with me in order to have another mourner at her funeral. I just need to know the things I need to know. If she wanted to put in some time to get to know me, or even just to exchange a few emails about something other than her doctor visits and her medications, I'd be willing. But I'm obviously not important enough to her to be worth that effort.

I apologize for the open-ended quality of the question, but please let me know your impressions and how you think I should approach talking to Gail about the only thing about her that means anything to me: her connection to my deceased mother.

Dealing with my racist grandma.

brevator — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 07:21:51 -0800

Looking for advice on dealing with my racist grandmother. My grandmother found out that my brother is dating a Korean woman. She refused to hug him and walked out of the house. My mother told her to grow up.

She's dealt with my uncle marrying a non-Jew, but they live on the other side of the country now. She seems allright with me dating a non-Jew, but I suspect it would get rough if we got engaged.

I thought this would cool down after a while, but it's been three weeks and no progress. She says "I always wondered what I'd die of and now I know- a broken heart." She also refers to my brother's girlfriend as a "Chinamen" (not to her face, thank god, they haven't met) and says "They all look the same." It's like she's been reading the 1975 edition of "Bigot's Best Quotes."

My grandmother is not an easy woman to deal with and my mother is perfectly fine with leaving her out of family stuff until she can act more maturely. I'd be okay with this strategy except that she's an 89 year old widow with no friends (her only friend was dumped after she told my grandmother that no one at the mahjong club liked her), and will probably die without a social network. Despite all this bullshit, I do love my grandmother and would rather her not die ostracized and alone.

Anyone been through something like this? Any practical advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

SS#s of those passed on?

attercoppe — Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:53:25 -0800

How would one go about finding out the Social Security number of a deceased relative? This is for a co-worker of mine, whom I'll call Wendy. Wendy's father passed away about seven years ago. Wendy's mother, in her mid-sixties at the time, has since remarried. She has just recently learned (from the SSA) that she is eligible to draw on her former husband's Social Security benefits, but first she needs to fill out the appropriate paperwork. Neither Wendy, her sister, nor their mother has any record of the father's Social Security number. The sister did his final income tax returns, but has since lost them. They have his military discharge papers, but they do not include his SS#. How else can they obtain his number, and who must make the request?

My thoughts so far: the SSA, the IRS, former employers, other military records, bank records, property titles. I'd like suggestions (thoughts/opinions) or instructions ("I've done this before"). Thanks.

How to deal with leukemia in the family.

lorrer — Wed, 02 Mar 2005 09:36:53 -0800

My uncle is battling leukemia. What to do? He’s about 60 and has gone through two sessions of chemo. He went into the hospital really bad and seems better now, but says his chances are still very bad. He’s going into chemo again, and then will get a mini-transplant from a 23-year old male.

I’ve been writing him letters each week and trying to see him as frequently as possible (I’m in NYC, a busy law student, he’s in Syracuse, and very busy winding down his affairs). He’s as close to a father figure as I’ve ever had, and has given me much advice and good times over the years.

I’m wondering about the emotional side. My uncle and I are both trying to put his possible death out of our minds and just have fun together. However, a friend of mine suggested that “sometimes it's okay (and some think better) to mourn the person before they're gone so that you can work through these issues together and come out the other side at peace with life and death with no regrets.”

How would you deal with this? Have you? Have you seen this from the post-death side? How about if you’re a cancer patient yourself, what do you think? I don’t want to have regrets, but if all I do is mourn my uncle before he even passes, I know I’ll regret it. Any advice would be great, thanks!