Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships

I'm at the end of my rope

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:00:55 -0800

Please shed some light on my extramarital issue. 1. I am into some stuff sexually, that a lot of people are not into. This includes my partner, who is squeamish. Nothing illegal, nonconsensual, or dangerous. In fact it's almost mainstream, well it is where I live.

2. I was not openly into this stuff when we got together.

3. I am getting really frustrated with my partner's unwillingness to experiment, although I know it's not my partner's fault that they are not into it...It is depressing to get shot down and frustrating. To ask that they do something with me that is not physically or emotionally taxing and feel like my partner is disgusted...

4. I'm really having trouble being sexually satisfied with my partner and the frustration at not having this is starting to seep into other aspects of our life together. Not because the sexual technique isn't there, or the attraction, I just feel empty inside while we're having sex, and rejected, and it sometimes leads to the sex completely stopping. Ughhh

5. I really don't want to be that person who pushes their partner until the activity is semi-consensual. I don't want my partner to feel blackmailed into this.

6. There is no one on the back burner or anyone that I am trying to have sex with so I'm not trying to use this as a justification for an affair with a particular person...if I went out and looked I'm sure I could find someone though, like I said because of where I live.

QUESTION: Should I go outside of my relationship? If I ask permission to do so, how would I frame it?

How do I deal with the disappointment if the answer is no?

I really don't want to end my relationship over sex...but I don't want to be someone who cheats and it's getting to the point where I want to just say fuck it and go do it safely with no strings attached, and just keep my mouth shut. I want to be an ethical person and do this in a decent way. Or am I deluding myself? Should I suck it up and deal? Is this where I should be an adult and get over myself? Do you think my partner will come around...? I am trying not to push.

I love my partner so much. Any insight, please share. I want to do the right thing.

Kids are not involved.

Thank you.

Why do you recommend the book 'How to be an Adult in Relationships'?

heatherann — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:34:33 -0800

What did you get out of reading How to Be An Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving? It's recommended here all the time and I just can't slog through it. I've tried starting this book at least 3 times and I can never get into it. AskMe is usually great with consistent recommendations, so I'm assuming that there is something valuable in there that I'm missing.

When does it get to the good stuff? What did it teach you about relationships? About yourself? What do you hope people will learn when you recommend it to them?

Short-term relationship. How fun! Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:18:38 -0800

I'm part of a short-term couple. We both know it will probably end in about six months from now, due to a long-distance move. I feel that there's a multitude of things I can experiment with here, due to the short-term nature of the (non?)relationship. But what are those things? Also: I know that each relationship is different, but what are the general rules of such relationships, anyway? How am I supposed to be in love, without falling in love? What can I do to make the most of the time we have left? Sure, I'm probably wasting my time in a dead-end relationship. But never mind that.

By experimentation, I don't necessarily mean sexual experimentation. Although I'm open to that, too. The sex life has been great so far, because my inhibitions are gone (no future for us! nothing to be embarrassed about in the future!). "Oh, you came? No, you will not go to sleep. I'm having my turn." Although this, of course, is good for both of us, and for any future relationships?

So far, I've learnt to be more assertive, because I don't think, "Oh, shit. Did I do something wrong? What if we break up?" I know our relationship is likely to end in about six months, and am not worried about long-term impact. At the same time, I don't want to come off as a selfish jerk.

In the future, I'd like both of us to look back at this time and think, Ah, those six months were fantastic. Hivemind, tell me how to behave in this sort of thing!

Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully.

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:41:30 -0800

Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully. Can it be done? I've known a guy for a total of 8 months, starting off initially as friends, but not very close at all. We are part of the same social circle and participate in a group activity together very regularly. Over time we became closer friends, flirted a hell of a lot, and eventually began a relationship.

Said relationship lasted about 2 months, when his behavior changed dramatically towards me. He made a lot of comments about "being friends" and has obviously been avoiding me. I asked him what was up and got a "I like you a lot, but not in that way" speech, which I expected. I'm okay with this. I'm pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere, but I still felt a little heartbroken and rejected nonetheless, so I've been avoiding him. It's been about 3 weeks now since this happened, and I'm over it and just want to go back to the way things were before.

So we're still part of the same social circle/group activity and are around each other pretty regularly, and he's obviously avoiding me. I'm just trying to be friendly, but it seems he doesn't want to talk to me unless it involves "business" about the group activity. He's done a few jerk things (imo), such as mentioning screwing another chick, in my presence.

I don't know if with the way he is acting that it is possible to go back to just friends or if he even wants to. I can't see anything I did that would make him not want to be friends with me at all. I'm really trying to play it cool as I can't really avoid him entirely. A friend who is aware of the situation thinks he feels bad about the situation, and I remind him of that, so that is why he's avoiding me. If age matters, we're in our mid-late 20's.

So, is it even possible? Is there something I can do to help this along? He is a cool dude, that I like spending time with, and I'm not so good at making close friends, so I don't want to lose one if I can help it. But if it seems like it's a no go, then damnit.

So now I'm a hottie?

teg4rvn — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:51:43 -0800

Why does it seem like men are more desirable when attached (married or taken), particularly when you are with that person? (expl. inside) If there's one thing that AMF has taught/reinforced to me is how differently women and men differ in their perceptions. I've always chatted with guy friends about this phenomenon and always wondered how a large cross-section of women think, about this:

When I was single and with a girlfriend, other women seemed drawn to me. I could tell they were interested in me, and not in just a hey, he's a nice guy sort of way. (Of course, I may have been reading into this, but for arguments sake, let's say that people can sometimes accurately surmise that the opposite sex is into them). But, even when taken, when I was out alone or with other guys, girls were, well, not so smitten. Same thing as a married man. (Huge caveat, I'm not out flirting with women as a married man...heck, come to think of it, I didn't do that either when attached and unmarried)

Other men have reported the same to me, mostly recollecting from their single days, when they too had the ultimate paradox:

"Why is it that I attract more women when I have one, but when I'm completely single, it's like I'm invisible?"

Ladies (and, I guess, other men):

1) Does one exude a different vibe when attached?
2) Is it simply a case of, "Well she's with him...that's worth something"
3) Is there something of a more core evolutionary competitive drive being elicited?
4) other?

FWIW, as a man, there is nothing about seeing a woman with a man that makes her more or less attractive. Ditto, for the solo woman.

How do I get out of this emotional hole and get things done?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:33:48 -0800

Seeking short-term coping mechanisms for being productive in school during a devastating breakup, and for comedy TV I can watch to help me through it. Long story inside. My partner of, let's say 4-8 years and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We got together when we were both freshmen at our university and had an instant strong bond. It was a mutual breakup due to some relationship dysfunction that was related to a sexual health problem I have and anxiety/depression we each have. We have lived together for several years and while we're in the process of finding some way to move out, we are still roommates for now.
The first few days we were broken up, we both had a terrible time and cried a lot. We have remained friends with little drama, other than both having some crying spells, up until this weekend.
Due to some events this weekend, it really started to sink in that I may really be losing him for good and I began to panic. Things came to a head and in the middle of the night I told him how I felt and it was very emotional for both of us. We ended up having sex. I didn't realize, but at the time, he was drunk (I was exhausted from crying and not sleeping). While we were having sex (which was his move), we were talking about things we wanted to do sexually in the future. The next morning, though, we kissed again (again his move) and said sexual things toward me. Not an hour later, we talked about what we wanted to do relationship-wise. Basically he said he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to get back together right now.
I'm totally crushed. I told him he betrayed me, fucked with my head, and that I just wanted to know why he would so something like that to me after normally treating me well. He says he was stupid to do those things last night and this morning, and he did them because he was confused about how he felt and thought maybe we could get back together. I feel so betrayed, used, and just hopeless. We're part of each others families. Before the breakup, we often talked of concrete life plans like marriage and kids. When we technically "broke up," it didn't feel so real or permanent and we've continued to live life as normal, hanging out just with no romantic contact.
Making matters worse, I'm a first-year law student in the throes of finals studying time. This weekend I have done nothing for school. I don't even think I can get through classes without bursting into tears randomly. Missing much class is not really an option, but I know I can't go tomorrow. I can't get out of bed right now. I don't know how I can get through the semester. There are counseling services that I plan to utilize, but until I can get in, I am in a wandering panic.
I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either friends with him, too, or friends who live out of state and I haven't been in close contact with recently enough to call up with my problems. I'm don't really talk to my parents or siblings about personal stuff like this.
I don't like dating or the whole game of trying to meet people. He and I became friends and were very close before any romance occurred. I don't feel like that kind of connection will be easy to find again any time soon.
I've read tons of breakup related AskMes, and some of the things in there have been helpful, especially the thing about "existential panic"

1. Are there any general suggestions for what I can do to get through the day(s) until I can get some counseling?
2. One thing that does help calm me is watching DVDs of The Office. I've seen them all so many times in the past month that it's almost not working anymore. Any other shows like this, such as ones about people with run of the mill lives with comedy and some realistic life sadness would probably help, too.
3. What can I do to try to be productive and not keep breaking down while studying? I can't leave the house, which usually helps, because I will probably start crying randomly, and at home, all I can do is zone out playing solitaire and watching The Office to keep from bawling constantly.

Sorry for such a long story, but I really felt I needed to give all the details for this to make sense, and my mind isn't so clear for editing.
If you have any advice you don't want to put here, you can email heartbrokenmefite@gmail.com

Other sources for physical intimacy?

~Sushma~ — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:03:39 -0800

Lonely, hungry for intimacy, ravenous to be touched, coddled or stroked. I'm old, sick and unattractive, I used to be smoking hot but men don't look at me any more, nor do they even acknowledge my presence. The area I live in is sparse for dating, and I've even tried one night stands. I have given up. What are some other ways to get the physical needs I have for the human social intimate relationship I do not have? I've done the CL casual encounters, internet dating etc.... Going for a massage now to see if it helps, and yes I have a loving and much loved pet....but I need more. Any resources? I'm sure there are others like me out there.

Uncertainy is a long time friend.

lwclec072 — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:48:16 -0800

Conquering confidence issues at the age of 25. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, I'm so lucky to have found him but I feel like I've found him at the wrong time of my life and feel like nothing but a nuisance. I really shouldn't feel this way, he has been absolutely amazingly patient and loving towards me despite my self esteem problems. Before him I've had nothing but bad experiences with men everything from my virginity being taken as a joke at the age of 22 to being the other woman many times. My current relationship is my first real boyfriend and first serious relationship. In the past, I'd met quite a few nice guys but would never open up and always became distant as I always had this fear of not being good enough. I realize all my bad experiences with men is most likely due to my lack of self respect. The problem for me today is that it's definitely not fixing itself, I have found this amazing man and I'm letting these issues I have inside ruin our relationship, I have constant fear that he'll leave me that I'm not good enough and that I have nothing to offer to him. I'm honest with him about my feelings, he tries to reassure me but it really doesn't help much because of trust issues. He's been so very patient with me but I'm slowly letting it pull us apart. I feel like I cannot really love him and make him happy until I'm happy with myself and that's the truth. I cannot give him the love and respect that I believe he deserves because of all these problems I allow my relationships with others to revolve around. He's willing to stick with me through it and says it's not a good excuse to let go of someone you love. All of these feelings just starting to come up again is just hard to handle, if you want you can read my past questions, only to possibly get a better understanding of things. The main issue here though is my lack of confidence/lack of respect for myself and others. If I'm not confident with myself at the age of 25, I'm terrified that I may never get there, I feel completely hopeless.

On a side note, I know this question is horribly written and disorganized, but this was a very hard question for me to formulate. I thought that the hive would be the place to come to ask for the most genuine and thoughtful opinions/advice. I'm hoping I do not get the same advice I've received elsewhere, that I need to grow up and get counseling. Also, yes, I do have an emotionally fragile soul, that's certainly a weakness of mine.

Thanks in advance for anything you have to offer to my trainwreck of a situation.

Am I the dick in this situation?

Venadium — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:33:52 -0800

A friend of mine is currently pretty pissed at me because I'm about to hang out with a girl that's friends with his ex's sister. In his mind it's only a matter of time before I'm hanging out with his ex too. Is he being an irrational dick, or will continuing to hang out with this girl only result in me getting a taste of my own dick medicine? I can understand where he's coming from as I was less than thrilled when my friends were hanging out with my ex, but that isn't exactly the case here.

Should he stay or should he go? Dog problems..

emkelley — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:23:42 -0800

When is it time to get rid of the dog? Fiance's poorly-trained dog has bitten me three times. I'm nervous about moving in with them and our future children. What do I do? My fiance received a gift of an American Eskimo from his girlfriend-at-the-time about one year before we met. Both Fiance and his Ex worked in jobs with long hours so never really had time to train the dog. When Fiance and I started dating, Dog was really horrible: when it was time to leave the house, he would position himself in front of the door and put up a big fight (growling, barking, bared teeth, etc.). When bedtime arrived, Dog would get up on the pillows and throw the same kind of fit. He doesn't like to play; he barks at any outside noise or anything he sees. As he's gotten older--he's 3.5 now--he's mellowed out a bit but mostly I think this is the prozac we've put him on after the most recent incident.

I never had dogs growing up so I've been skeptical but open... at least to the concept of dog ownership, but perhaps not this dog. Because he is so fearful (and because he doesn't see me as being above him in the pack?), he is very aggressive with me. He and I have had three altercations, the last one this summer involved a bite that sent me to the hospital for two nights. Fiance had been dragging his feet on medicating Dog and hiring a trainer but this incident made him realize he needed to do something. So now he's on Prozac, and Fiance also became somewhat stricter in terms of establishing dominance and enforcing rules.

Fiance and I don't live together yet, but we will probably be joining households this summer. I am extremely nervous about living with Dog full time. I am not comfortable around him, and I really fear what will happen when we have children. That is a few years off, so we will have time to work on training him and we have an appointment with a trainer in the near future. However, after reading AskMeFi's similar Q&As, it seems like the general advice is that once a dog has bitten, you can't let the dog around kids. This is my gut feeling, but Fiance refuses to get rid of Dog because a) he loves him and b) he assumes he'll be put down if we have to give him away. I know there are rescue groups so I don't think euthanasia isn't a certainty. Plus I think that Dog would be happier if we could find him a home with people who have time to be with him--Fiance works 60-80 weeks and doesn't have the time or energy.

I am trying very hard to see this situation from his perspective and be compassionate about it, but I have gotten to the point where I dread visiting Fiance because I have to deal with the dog. Is this beyond reasonable or do I need to just get over it?

How to put my foot down when SO won't consider a Plan B?

kleenkat — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:55:15 -0800

How do I put my foot down? My longterm girlfriend and I recently bought a house together; an older 1950s house that is in decent condition and we decided to renovate it throughout the next few years. The first thing we wanted to do was rip up the old vinyl tile and stain the concrete underneath in the kitchen - about 250 sqft. Turns out, it was old asbestos tile which we had to CAREFULLY remove, and a layer of regular 1970s vinyl. What was underneath was a black, thick mess of mastic that we have been fighting with for weeks to bring up with nasty chemicals. I work full time and I have 9 hours of graduate school (full time). I work longer hours than she does and i finally told her i think it would be easier if we just etched the concrete (so the grout would bond) and lay tile instead. But no, she wants the stained concrete. This one weekend project is now going on four weeks and we are set to move into the house next Monday. WHen I told her I wanted to resort to Plan B and install the tile rather than proceed with the nasty work, she would not hear of it. It's not because I do not want what she wants, but I am afraid our NEWLY refinished hardwood floors will get ruined with us and our movers tracking the black mastic residue throughout the house. We have dumped some serious money on upgrading the floors this house, not to mention HARD laborious work ever single weekend the past month removing the mastic. I would not care so much if I didn't have 3 midterms to deal with right now, but time is cutting close. So this past weekend she says she will go out there every day and "turn the kitchen around" since it's what she really wants. Yet, she has spent the last 2 days coming home and sleeping, and then going out and spending 3 hours picking out different locks for the house, looking at garden stuff, etc etc. Aka stuff I really don't think is a priority with us MOVING in less than a week.

Am I being high strung? If she wasn't going to get anything accomplished and be lazy about it, I'd rather her be upfront and give a little with the tile situation. Otherwise it's like she won't do a damn thing unless I am present (I'm a woman also). Is there some other way for me to approach her with this? I just don't want the house we put so much of our hard earned money into get ruined by crappy priorities and laziness. Or if she DID want me to be there every second to help her lift the mastic, that is fine, but why make empty promises? I have cleared almost 3/4 of that mastic myself, I don't see the big deal with her just going in and doing some touch up until the weekend!!! Thanks in advance.

What clever relationship "hacks" have you come up with?

wyzewoman — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:48:38 -0800

What clever relationship "hacks" have you come up with? I'm looking to build up my mental catalogue of examples of non-obvious solutions to relationship difficulties. Help me think out of the box better in the future! A few times over the years, I've solved a relationship problem in a way that I was really proud of, because the solution met everybody's needs when it looked like such a solution didn't exist. I still turn back to these examples when I'm faced with a new difficulty, because I may be able to model a new solution out of the old ones.

An example of what I'm talking about: a roommate declared one day that he was no longer willing to share dishes with me: I didn't wash them well enough for his liking, even after repeated reminders. Well, that sucked -- it would be extra time, expense, and bother. But, we were able to talk about it calmly, and we worked out that really it was only the glasses that I drank milk out of which weren't getting cleaned well. So I suggested that I get a set of milk-drinking-glasses, just for me, and that we continue to share the rest of the dishes. And it worked! We never fought about dishes again. The lesson I learned from that: try to whittle a problem down to its smallest core, and solve that.

It's just a silly example -- drinking glasses! -- but I've remembered this incident for years, and modified the solution in various other issues of household maintenance. I'd love to have other examples to draw upon going forward. So, MeFites, when did you come up with a relationship solution that you were particularly proud of, and what lessons did you draw from it?

That last talk.

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:44:51 -0800

How to go about the final talk, the post-mortem, if you will. I got dumped this week. I'd been seeing this girl for about 3 months, a co-worker. Pretty surprising, we had really good times together.

Anyways, we went out earlier in the week, the event we were going to happened to be sold out when we got there, so we went to a favorite bar to hang out. Had a good time, when she's dropping me off, before I get out of the car I get "I have to tell you, I'm getting back together with my ex, so I don't think we should be making out anymore."

I was a little drunk, and pretty caught off-guard by how she phrased this, thinking really? Your going to drop this on me as I get out of the car, after we'd just spent 3 hours having a good time hanging out. And I'm also thinking "Wait, what? we shouldn't be making out anymore? That's all this was?" It wasn't all this was, we were consistently going on dates and having great times. It wasn't just a "hey come on over to watch a movie" type of thing. So I stammered something out giving me some time, she asked for a hug, and then I went on my way.

Anyways, this stings. It hurts that in all the time we spent together, the way she ends it is kind of "By the way...", in passing. It also hurts realizing that I was just some guy she was making out with while she was waiting to get back together with her ex. I haven't met anyone I've gotten along with so well since I moved to my city three years ago, so I know this didn't last super-long, but I'm disappointed.

Since we work together (different departments, but we have to interact quite a bit, and she's close with my co-workers, who don't know we were seeing each other) and since she lives with a good friend of mine, I need to figure out how to be around her without feeling like crap.

I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, since I didn't want to leave things with me drunkenly stammering something, and that's that. I'm hurt, I want to calmly express that, because I don't think she really understands this. And I want to somehow convey that in the interim, I don't think we should try to be friends, and it might be best if she doesn't come down to my department to hang out, which she did the rest of the week at work, making me really uncomfortable, and again, feeling like crap.

Thoughts about how to go about this talk, how I should structure it, how to get the best results out of it (which would be me being able to move on in a healthy way) would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

How to deal with "I can't be in a relationship right now"?

mattsweaters — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:34:58 -0800

How to deal with "I can't be in a relationship right now"? I've been seeing a girl for a few months now and we've been getting really close and I've begun feeling very excited about us and attached. Until..I get the whole "I can't be in a relationship right now, can we just slow down?" talk and I'm having a hard time with it.

Now I should say I believe her and right now we're living a few hours apart. She has a lot to deal with and I wanted to see if we could slow things down, but the second this happened it felt like it just killed all the intimacy and fun from what we had [trips canceled, visit to my city no longer staying with me] and I feel like I should just move on.

So my question, Is it cold to just move on and cut off contact as as if this is a break up? Any mefites here have any experience in a similar situation? I've been feeling like a jerk for cutting her out because she does say she would like to try for something real in the future and that she needs to figure some things out in her life. And to be clear, the only reason I'm doing it is because I'm pretty heartbroken and I don't want to sit around waiting for someone to change their mind about how they feel about me. thanks!

I'm staring at the phone, waiting for your text...

Anonymous — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 20:10:42 -0800

In need of human distractions. Help me stop taking it out (mentally) on my boyfriend and other friends. Both my boyfriend and I are early 20s college students. He just started (he worked a good job for a few years) whereas I entered directly from high school. We are in different schools, different cities, and different programs, but not long distance (we see each other about once a week).

Our relationship is generally good. I'm more anxious/planning and he's more spontaneous/nonchalant/relaxed, but nothing even remotely dealbreaking (we've never even had an argument). I have a heavier courseload than he does, in part because he has fewer classes, and in part because of my higher year level.

The standard reply to 'how to not be clingy' is pretty universally "get hobbies/more friends/etc." I think I do have a pretty healthy set of hobbies and friends, although he does have more. He's more of an extrovert with some introvert tendencies, whereas I'm much more of an introvert that still is capable of socializing once in a while. We both game/read/do sports/go out, individually and together. I also used to write for fun; still do sometimes, but nowadays, most of my time is taken up by academics.

It really just comes down to me missing human interaction and...wanting to be missed more, and I suppose he's the easiest 'target'. (I do better with a handful of close friends than a huge social circle, but I admit that lends to fewer people available to give me attention.) So frequently I'd be buried in, say, a mountain of lab reports and wish I could get a text message or something from him (or anyone, but again, he's the easiest target) more frequently. Don't get me wrong, he always responds when I do send something, but since he's got a much bigger social circle/library of video games/what have you to distract him when his mind wanders, it makes sense that now that the honeymoon stage is over, I'm not always at the forefront of his mind, and I don't want to always be the one sending random texts all day.

I don't think it's really a matter of 'get more hobbies'/'make new friends', because usually these things happen during times when they're unfeasible. E.g. I'm home sick this week and studying for exams, and while I here cramming formulae down my throat my mind wanders to "Argh, wish [boyfriend] or [best friend] or SOMEONE'd send me a text to distract me from the canonical ensemble" or something. It's a bit more severe this week because I'm home sick and thus craving some attention, but this still applies to normal situations.

I think this is all on my end. I'm usually pretty easygoing and not clingy; I guess this is one of the ways I react to stress. But it kinda bothers me, and I feel like I'm edging towards the clingy "can't go a day without speaking to SO", which is not what I want to be.

So, advice, hive mind?

Avoidance therapy

Anonymous — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:20:46 -0800

I frequently want to avoid the girlfriend, even though I always have a great time with her. This has happened with every girlfriend I've ever had. Is this an issue for you? How do you deal? I'm a mid-20s male in a committed, long-term relationship of about 9 months now. We're really a perfect match in many, many ways from taste in food, recreation, great sex life, similarly extroverted, outgoing, sense of humor, etc, etc, etc. I mean, things are stellar. She's insanely in love with me and wants to spend tons of time together, which is fine, since I have a great time with her and I'm in love with her and I'm pretty sure she's it for me.

Except that I often find myself "relieved" in a way when I get to just go home and do my own thing.

I'm a typically extroverted person who is socially active, has many friends, etc. I always have a great time when we do hang out, but damn if I'm not fighting myself mentally up until we actually make plans and go through with them, in this weird reluctant kind of way.

Stranger still, it's been like this with every. single. girl. I've ever dated, from introverts to extroverts, all across the gamut, at the beginning, middle, and end of the relationships, no matter how crazy I was about them at the time.

I know everyone digs on their alone time, but the issue is omnipresent. I don't voice it and I usually just ignore it while I make plans and then go and have a great time with her, but I really can't understand why there's such a draw to avoid the girlfriend in that way.

I'm frustrated because it feels self destructive in that I really have something great here. And I'm confident that it's not a downside to this particular girl because again, it's happened every time I've dated someone. I'm not typically someone who feels much anxiety, and I'm never nervous around her or anything like that--we've known each other for years and we're extraordinarily close. But I still get pensive about spending time with her in general, and I feel like my alone-time-to-partner-time balance is way off for someone as otherwise extroverted as myself.

What gives? Are you an extrovert who finds this nagging trouble even in the best of relationships? Do you just grin and push through? It's not like I'm having a rough time here; once we do go out or hang out or spend the weekend together, I absolutely love it and have a wonderful time. But I can spend several hours nearly convincing myself I'd rather be by myself than go be with her, which seems so strange to me.

Moreover, she's a nurse, so she'll work 2 12s right in a row, meaning I legitimately have plenty of alone time already. She's not "smothering" me or anything of that nature, so I'm truly at a loss. She doesn't nag at all either. There's a bit of stress at work and I've always got a lot on my mind, but that's not going to change and I don't want to sabotage myself just because I'm insane.

Insight? Thoughts? Your experience or advice? (We live separately, by the way.)

How to deal with his friendship with a former lover?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:04:40 -0800

(RelationshipFilter) My now boyfriend used to sleep with a good friend of his, while he was dating me. How do I deal with my feelings about him hanging out with her? Before we became exclusive (in the early stages of our dating relationship, but continuing after we started saying "I love you"), my now boyfriend was sleeping with a very close friend of his. I knew about it at the time and I hated it. She would sleep over at his place once a week and I knew what was going on, and it tortured me. After a few months we became exclusive (after I told him I wanted to) and he stopped sleeping with her. I never asked him to stop being friends with her or hanging out with her, but I asked him not to share details with me as it really bothers me when he sees her. I don't think he has feelings for her, nor do I suspect that anything is "going on" between them. A few weeks ago she came to an event that he and I attend regularly, and I had to leave because I felt so uncomfortable and angry. Today I found out that he went to a place that is very special to me, that we have been talking about going to together, with her, from a friend who told me he saw him there. I feel like he lied to me about it and was sneaking around, but he says he didn't tell me because I asked him not to talk to me about her. I don't know how we resolve this. I don't feel like it would be okay for me to say "stop being friends with her", but I'm tired of this being an issue and feeling betrayed and angry. I'm angry at him because I feel like he created this situation, but at the same time he wasn't doing anything technically wrong at the time: he wasn't lying to me or cheating on me. When I try to reverse the situation, I know that I wouldn't be hanging out with someone I was sleeping with at the same time as I was seeing him--actually, I wouldn't have been sleeping with a close friend, nor would I have been with someone else when I was saying "I love you" to him.
Does anyone have any ideas about how to deal with this? How do I stop feeling so angry and hurt? Am I totally in the wrong? We have a good relationship and good communication but things just go nowhere with this issue.

How do I fix me?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:33:36 -0800

I feel like my life is over and I'm only 35. I feel completely stagnant and stuck, relationshipwise and jobwise. Do I need to change things or do I need to learn how to deal? Help me figure out how to be a happier person. Is there some Grand Unified Theory that explains all my problems? How do I fix me?

I'm a 35-year-old male who has dealt with lifelong anxiety. Two major things in my life right now have me in despair: my relationship and my job. Neither of these is awful; they are just blah. I can't see either of them improving. I feel like I'm too young to have a midlife crisis, but I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My life feels over. I feel like even if I change things, I'll become anxious and unhappy about something else. There are good things about my life, but I just do not know how to be content. Maybe deep down I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have been in therapy with different therapists on and off since I was 17. I've been seeing my current therapist for nearly 9 years, and I like her, and I have insights regularly, and she claims that I've changed for the better, but I still feel unhappy. I am a compulsive self-analyzer, but I can't seem to translate insights into actual change. Isn't the goal of therapy supposed to be to get to a point where you don't need therapy anymore?

I took meds (Celexa) for about 4 1/2 years. I never really felt like it solved things. I don't think I have depression -- I can function fine, I don't confine myself to bed, there are things I enjoy, I have genuine passion for life. It's just that life weighs heavily on me, and it always has.

I get frustrated and stressed out easily by little things in life. I have always worried about death, worried about wasting my life, worried about getting older (even when I was 21). Now I worry about middle age, old age. I'm gay, and I feel like I wasted my youth because I didn't come out of the closet until I was 24. I worry about long-term stress making me ill, which causes me more stress.

My relationship: I've posted a few AskMe's about this before (see here -- I changed details like numbers and dates in that first post because I wanted to be extra-safe about being anonymous), and I hate the idea of being a broken record, and I can see how people who have read my previous AskMe's might shake their heads at me for not having changed anything. But the thing is, I'm just terrified.

In short: my partner and I have been together for six years, and we've been in couples therapy for the last two. We truly love and care about each other and have a cozy, very boring, oxytocin-filled relationship, but we have never had a very sexual relationship, and after discussing it repeatedly in therapy, I'm pretty much convinced we never will. He has practically zero sex drive, and I'm just not sexually attracted to him. We have fooled around together twice -- twice -- in the last four years, and never did much before that. We have an open, don't ask/don't tell arrangement, which means that all my sex is with other people, which means that I can never have sex that includes intimacy, which means a big part of my life is very unfulfilled. Whenever I do start to feel some sort of intimacy with someone, I feel really guilty about it.

I guess the difference between this AskMe and my previous ones is that while I used to think there was a possibility we could eventually have a sexually fulfilling relationship, I've since realized we never will.

He also very much likes having a routine, likes being a homebody except for going to the theater alot (we live in Manhattan) and going to our favorite restaurant. He isn't big on excitement. Me, I need to shake things up every once in a while. That might sound odd, given that I tend to be pretty anxious, but I do like to expand my comfort zone sometimes, while he doesn't.

There are some days when I obsess about breaking up with him. But when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to do it. We have talked in our couples therapy about breaking up, and I would just miss him terribly -- having him next to me at night, talking with him, being with him. Plus, since I'm a very emotional person and I get stressed out easily, I just can't see how I could handle being alone and missing him. Our relationship has major flaws, but I do feel calmer knowing he is there whenever I get totally anxious about something. I cannot imagine being stressed out and having nobody to turn to, especially because I live in Manhattan, which can be a difficult, isolating place sometimes. Would I move into some small crappy studio by myself somewhere? I don't have very many friends, so I don't have much of a support system. (My partner and I are both in a social organization, so there are friends/acquaintances there, and people do like me, but it's hard sometimes because I worry about what people think of me.)

What if I wind up being single for the rest of my life? What if nobody else comes along? What if someone else does come along but that relationship is majorly flawed as well? What if my punishment for breaking up with my partner is that I never find anyone else again? Because, odd as this sounds, I do feel like I would be punished for it. That I am not allowed to change my situation, that I should be thankful for what I have, that I want too much.

Maybe I could keep him in my life, and we could be best friends?

And... what if I end the relationship and I'm still unhappy?

Now for the job situation: this is another thing entirely. My job is not very stressful and is sometimes decent, and I'm thankful for that, especially in this economy. But it's just a boring paycheck for me and isn't at all meaningful. Worst of all, over the summer, my office moved into a sterile office park in the New Jersey suburbs. Now I go to the office two days a week, which is a 1 hour 40 minute commute each way, and on the other three days I work from home, which feels so isolating and makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. I despair of ever getting out of this situation.

I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I have seen career counselors, I have read career books -- at times I have been hopeful but I eventually despair. I have wanted to be a writer, a therapist, a journalist, a professor. I went to law school, but I didn't really enjoy being a lawyer. Now my job is related to the law, but it doesn't thrill me either. What I *do* like to do is read nonfiction and learn about things. I love learning and I love writing, but I don't think I have the expertise or ability to write nonfiction, and I have little interest in writing fiction. I am good at writing about myself, but who wants to read about me?

See how hard on myself I am?

I am also very fickle -- I can never be sure that what interests me now will interest me a few months from now. The only constant is history, particularly American history.

I feel hopeless at 35, and if the next 50 years are like the last 10, I don't know what I'm going to do, and I am only getting older. I am stuck, stuck, stuck, and I hate it.

I've created a MeFi account that I can't post from yet, but you can email me there if you want.

How do I get my parents to stop worrying about my relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:41:00 -0800

Generation/culture gap + relatively young relationship, please advise. Relevant background: Female, 21-turning-22-next-month, full-blooded Asian, agnostic/can't-give-a-damn religiously.

Parents: Traditional, stereotypical Asian overprotective parents, somewhat religious.

Background:

I'm an university student at a decent school in my second-to-last year of my degree. My grades are mediocre-to-solid if not great (spoiled by one particular year), with a healthy amount of relevant work experience. I'm generally logical to the point of that I'm told I'm being cold; in reality, while I'm as emotional as the next person I just try very very hard not to let that affect my judgements.

My relationship history is very sparse. I had a brief fling two years back with a guy I sort of worked with (same workplace, didn't see each other very much). He was (much) older, charming, very similar interests and while in general I knew it wouldn't work in the long term I still put a lot of stock into it. Until I discovered he had a girlfriend. I was furious, hurt, the whole nine yards, and somehow through a mix of guilt and pain and genuine like for the guy still tried to remain friends. He took that as to mean that I'm okay being the other woman and tried sexing me up a few times, which was met with very angry refusals. This fling, coupled with an overwhelming courseload and the job and first time moving out to dorm led to my mental health spiralling downwards and I pretty much bombed that year, failed two courses, and flunked out of my honours degree (back to major now). Stupid? Yeah, what can I say, he was my first kiss. And up until now, he was the only person I've ever touched in a sexual sense.

Anyway. I've since then gotten my act together (ditched the jerk and didn't look back, plus took a year off getting relevant work experience far away), thought a lot about what my dealbreakers are in a relationship and generally love myself through my single life. I'm okay with being celibate and single (one of my rules for myself is that I will not have sexual relations with anyone I'm not in a serious relationship with, although I don't care if other people have casual sex as long as they're safe about it). I consider myself liberal, even if the choices I make for myself are on the conservative end; I don't begrudge others for my choices.

So now that I'm back home, I've gotten my head screwed on right and am at least solidly trucking along in my life again, I've met this really lovely guy my age and we've been dating for...close to half a year now. He is aware of my sparse sexual history and why (I've alluded to the important parts, he never asked for more details and just accepted it), has no problems with the fact I'm a virgin, and seem more than happy to show/teach/explore. We've never had an argument (granted, relationship's still young); there's been hurt feelings once or twice but was resolved, our communication seems solid (although generally I bring up things I think are issues and the boy wasn't even aware that it was worth worrying about, but we've both told each other straight up to bring up anything we're concerned about) and generally speaking we're really quite happy together.

However, my parents are (understandably) wary. They don't precisely know that previous jerk played a large part in my breakdown, but they know there was a guy and it ended badly and it was roughly around the same time. Not hard to connect dots. And that this current guy is my first serious boyfriend, the first one they've met...they're going a little crazy. Particularly worrying for them is a) sex and b) staying over.

I view sex (not that I've had it, being a virgin) as a bonding experience, something fun to share between you and your partner. Parents are of the view that sex is sacred/for marriage/etc. The notion of me staying over at my boyfriend's place is unthinkable, inappropriate, etc. etc. what have you. Sleeping around leads to diseases, girls get hurt more easily than guys, yadda yadda.

I'm aware that it's unlikely this guy will be my life mate. I'm not concerned about that--life is a journey, this is an experience, what have you. I'm happy with him now. I am educated on sex ed in school, and read pretty thoroughly on my own outside of school; I haven't slept with my boyfriend yet but I insisted both of us get tested before we even got to handjobs (we're both clean). We've talked frankly about options for contraception and what would happen if I was to accidentally get pregnant even despite precautions. And no, I still haven't slept with him yet. I'd like to think the both of us are being mature and careful here.

Obviously, given my parents' views on sex and intimacy I'm not exactly about to tell them in full detail why I'm not worried about STIs and pregnancy, because that'd be outright admitting that I intend on sleeping with him. Speaking in the theoretical does nothing to assuage their fears, because "it's different when it's happening to you, and accidents happen". They're convinced that I'll turn into a sobbing wreck if the boyfriend leaves me/if we break up, and doesn't believe me when I say that "I promise, I'll survive". I'm not saying it won't hurt; of course it will. But through the first disaster of a fling I went through a lot of (online, through reading the Green and another level headed advice community) therapy, did a lot of thinking, and generally came to the conclusion that relationships add to my life but cannot be my life and that I am a perfectly lovable, self-sufficient human being on my own. And having worked towards that, I worked my way out of my downward spiral.

I'm generally pretty much a straight arrow; drinking/drugs/staying out uber late partying has never appealed to me, and generally speaking save for that school year of insanity I think I've a pretty level head on my shoulders, and I wish I could get my parents to just trust me a little more. I'm at the point where I feel cornered and defensive about my choices and if something does go wrong, I'd never tell them because I don't feel like I'd get any more than "we told you so". These conflicting beliefs come to a head whenever I bring up my boyfriend in a slightly more serious context: Staying over at his place for the night, go out with him for a late date and/or out with friends (I have a curfew for midnight), what have you. To them, dating a boy means hand holding and dates once a week and god forbid we want to do anything else more sexual than that.

I get that they're worried and scared for me. I really do. And I know that it's not only a generation gap, but the cultural gap plays a huge part in it too. But at the same time, I'm getting tired of being patronized to and that "it's your first serious relationship, it won't last, it won't even matter in a few years". Be that as it may (or may not), this guy is important to me now.

Complicating the problem is that we have a serious language barrier; I grew up in the Americas and English, while not my first language, is my primary language. Theirs is Chinese. There are some concepts like intimacy != sex that I cannot articulate in Chinese for the life of me, and I'm at my wit's end as to how to make them trust me, and my boyfriend, a little more.

Yes, he has met them. No, they haven't said much (language barrier, again; the parents feel awkward, say hi, and get out of our way).

I don't feel it's fair to tell the boyfriend "no, there's no way I can sleep over at your place until after I graduate because my parents feel uncomfortable" when I don't share their beliefs (and it's our relationship, not theirs, right?). But to them, it's family first, and he might abandon me but they never will. I'm already feeling a little starved for attention because I rely a lot on physical contact (kisses, touches, hugs...not even sex) to feel close, and school schedules between the boyfriend and I (different schools, 1.5 hours between our homes) make that very difficult already. But to hear them say "concentrate on school, he's just a boy" (and yes, I do study a lot) and "it's not necessary for you to stay over, why do it? It's not necessary and it's inappropriate" just drives me a little crazy because these are my (our) needs in our relationship, not theirs.

Neither me nor my boyfriend like the idea of sneaking around behind their backs; to us, nothing we're doing is anything to be ashamed of (and lies have a habit of being exposed and blowing up anyway). But this does mean that it's turning into open discussion which seems to go in nothing but circles.

So, hive mind, what's a girl to do? For the record, yes, I am contemplating moving out for next year to dorms again, but 1) I don't know if this relationship will last that long (although I sure hope it will) and 2) that does nothing for the now.

Help me get my libido in check with reality.

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:56:21 -0800

Help me get my libido in check with reality. Very long story inside. I'm in a long-term (20+ years) relationship with my soulmate and the love of my life. We're married and have several children. We're happy.

But my libido is much, much stronger than hers, and it always has been. I could have sex twice a day; she could have it once or twice a month. Probably not that unusual, I know.

I've recently gone through therapy and learned a lot about myself; I learned how much I was blaming everything on her, and how I was counting on her affection as pretty much my sole source of happiness. So those are all things that I understand, and I'm working on. I'm beginning to see what a ridiculous burden I have been placing on her all these years, requiring (in my head) that she be ultra-physical and outgoing and giving in order for me to have any self-esteem or sense of worth.

But still, there's that physical urge that is just ridiculously strong. I'm late thirties, she's pushing 40. And I feel like a teenager when it comes to the hormones. Now, by most people's standards, we have a really good sex life. We have sex once or twice a week, on average. That's pretty good for people who work and have a house full of kids. We make it happen, in part thanks to her awesome attitude about it. And it's not like she doesn't enjoy it - she has orgasms as often as I do, and once she gets going she really enjoys it. But it takes effort to "get her going," whereas I'm pretty much always ready to go.

Here's something that I know shouldn't matter but does: I was a virgin when we got together. She wasn't. So she's the only partner I've ever had. So one of the things I'm constantly battling is this notion that I'm "missing something" - which intellectually I know isn't the case, but it nags at the back of my mind. I also struggle with jealousy, that she got to experience things I didn't.

Also: I know one of the time-tested bits of advice usually given is exercise, but paradoxically, when I go through periods of fitness/nutrition, all of this gets much more intense - I guess because of all of the testosterone and emphasis on physicality. So those are things I do and need to do anyway, but just please understand that "get more exercise" isn't helpful in this case.

I masturbate as often as is practical, but that doesn't really move the needle. To me, that's something different entirely, and doesn't satisfy the desire for skin-on-skin intimacy.

So, then: How can I adjust my libido and expectations down into the realm of reality? How do I approach/conquer the notion that I should be getting more (sex/affection/etc.)? How can I make this mean less to me, depress me less, bother me less?

Learning to make better decisions in relationships filter:

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:52:35 -0800

Help me get over a broken heart uber-style. I'm taking my recent relationship experience to the max and looking at why I do what I do. Can you help me? About two months ago, I went through a pretty non-descript breakup that hurt, as all breakups do, but had a fantastically heartbreaking unexpected coda that left me in a deep depression. Without getting into much detail: We knew each other for a while, dated, had an awesome time together, things started to get funky with both of us playing a part and that led to us not being together. Not what I wanted but life don’t always do what we think it’s ‘sposed to do. After the breakup, I was privy to an overwhelming flow of information about my ex that involved lying, cheating, secrecy and all around bad form and behavior behind my back (I did not seek out the information, it came to me.) To say the least, I was devastated.
I decided to take this opportunity to look at myself, my choices and my relationship “resume”. Needless to say, I’ve made bad choices in partners before (surprise!) and vowed to get a handle on this situation. I began therapy, write regularly and spend time with good friends. But, is that enough? I know it’s only been two months but I cry. All.The.Time. I’m having a hard time processing this recent experience not to mention looking at a lifetime of dating disasters. I can see some of my patterns, you know? I see that I have made some romantic decisions based on immature reasoning: The chemistry is good, the sex is fantastic and turning a blind eye to inappropriate behavior for fear of failing in relationship. Again. This last one was a doozy ‘cause I thought I was being smart and mindful. Communincating clearly, being vulnerable and honest and all that good stuff but it was probably the most painful ending yet. I really want to learn how to make better partnering choices but don’t know how. I mean, seeing my pattern and knowing how to change it are two very different things. Not to mention, I am human. Prone to make mistakes. Does that exclude me from having a loving relationship?
So, have you been able to change your relationship patterns for the better? How and what did you do? I don’t expect that I will do an automatic 180. I expect a little two steps forward, one step back action but god damn! I need some help on the two steps forward. I feel I reek of this experience and don’t feel like I’m moving in any direction at all. If this sounds familiar, the making bad relationship choices part, how were you able to change? Anon but email can be sent to changemypatterns@gmail.com
Thanks a bunch for any and all insight.

Help, need to get out of my "slump"!

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 08:12:25 -0800

Worried about my emotional well-being, and my future. Need some good Metafilter advice.... I am a 34 y/o female who is gainfully employed and generally self-sufficient (own my own home, car, take care of the house, etc.) but I am extremely lonely and feel more and more isolated everyday. I grew up in a very dysfunctional (full of abuse) family, and likewise, my family ties are small, if not non-existent. My younger sister, who I was once close to, has not spoken to me for 2 years over a decision I made concerning her...my two older brothers have never liked me (due to some issues that occurred when we were younger) and are both married now and rarely if ever interact with me. My parents are both alive, but aging and neither are in good health, my mom is the greatest support, but our relationship is somewhat difficult due to varying religious beliefs (this is not on my end, but on hers).

In a nutshell, I don't have a family really...when there is a holiday, there are no celebrations (also due to my mom's religious beliefs), when I meet a guy, there is no one to introduce him to, there are no regular interactions and no one desires to have them. Also, since my sister moved back in with my mom, and bcs of the strained relationship bt/n her and I, I am barely welcome there. This is, in and of itself, bad enough, but add to it, that I do not have friends.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, it is hard to make friends...so, there were none from childhood. I did make a few friends after I moved away from home and started college, but many of those relationships died over the years due to losing contact after some time, and/or life changes (marriage, kids, etc.)...further, about 8 years ago, I became a Christian (after being under my parents Jehovah's Witness upbringing for my whole life) and after doing so, I lost a lot of friends then too. So again, there is no one to share with, fellowship with, interact with...I spend all holidays and birthdays alone. I long to have solid relationships, but I often get rejected when I try to make friends. I really thought I would make friends in church, but those relationship are not very deep. People are often cliquey even in church (which is so sad).

I realize that I am the "common denominator" in all of this and that perhaps the problem is me, and not others (I have done therapy and come to this semi-conclusion), yet, I really feel that I am a nice person and worth of knowing...still, here I am at 34 and feeling completely isolated and alone. I really don't know what to do bcs I feel if something does not change, I will never get out of this slump. Any advice, suggestions, encouragement from the mefi community? I realize a lot of ppl will likely advise me to "get out and meet ppl" but I assure you, I have tried that, it just rarely goes anywhere! Thanks for your time.

Friendship, fun, more? How do I find out?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 18:08:13 -0800

You're a late 30's, attractive female who is separated and looking to explore your horizons. How would you like to be approached by a younger couple? I am the male, older half of a couple who are quite...libertine. We are open to new people and new experiences, including bringing others into our bedroom. I guess you could call us "swingers," though it doesn't happen often - we aren't usually very forward, we just let things happen naturally.

I have been going to a particular medical office for almost two years, and have chatted with a woman who works there quite a bit. During my last visit we talked about her situation, being separated from her long-term partner and moving out to her own house. Also we talked about my girlfriend and I, what we like to do, and that we're more open and liberal. I also mentioned going out, and that she should come out with us, that we would "show her a good time."

On leaving, she handed me a business card with her cell number written on the back. At this point I assume that she is interested, but this is uncharted territory for me. I'm not usually forward, and I haven't been in this situation before.

Since both my girlfriend and I are open to this, but don't really know how to approach it, my question is: If you were this woman, how would you like to be approached? Something like calling her and saying hello, and asking her out for drinks one evening?

I'm not 100% sure she had the same idea we did, she might just be looking for friendship, so I don't want to embarrass her or myself (and my girlfriend). Any advice you can give on how to delicately approach the situation would be appreciated. I wouldn't mind seeing her as a friend, but I got the impression that she was open to more, since that was the direction the conversation was headed in, and we had talked quite a bit in the past, with no numbers being exchanged then...only now that she is separated and on her own...

Strangely enough, I am a bit nervous about calling her for some reason, and am not able to think rationally about what is probably a very simple solution. Anyway, thanks in advance!

Rekindling a flame that has burnt out.

blackcatcuriouser — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:55:49 -0800

Is this settling? Where are those heartpangs I should be feeling? I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years. We'd been best friends for 5 years before dating. In many ways, we're a great match and a great team. We care about each other, we have great conversations, we make the same kinds of jokes, we like lots of the same things, we have good sexual chemistry. But our relationship fizzled out. We both got too comfortable and bored with each other and didn't feel happy or excited with our relationship anymore. We had difficulty communicating our feelings and needs and neither of us really worked to change things. We broke up mutually and amicably. No animosity, no fighting. We've remained friends.

I've spent my single time meeting new people, spending more time with old friends, and casually dating. I've met some perfectly nice, interesting guys. Even had some sexy times. It's been fun being free to see whomever I choose and feeling desired by new men, but I haven't felt a serious connection to any of them and it's all been pretty superficial. I often find myself thinking about my ex - how comfortable and easy it is being with him, how we know each other so well, how we have so much in common, how we enjoy each other's company and love each other. (What more would a person want?)

We've been broken up for about 8 months now, and over dinner one night recently he expressed a desire to get back together. Since we've been broken up for a while, getting back together wasn't necessarily on my agenda and I didn't expect it was something he wanted either. He's been on my mind constantly throughout our breakup, but I really felt a sense of finality when we ended it, so I started to get on with my life for my own sanity. But since he brought up wanting to try over again, I've been seriously considering working through things with him too.

However, there's something missing. Logically, on paper, we make sense. We could work things out, our problems were never insurmountable. We're very compatible and we care about each other deeply. But I feel like I'm missing a sense of urgency, of excitement about starting anew. I feel like I'm supposed to have this intense and passionate desire to be with him, this "can't be without you" feeling, the way I did when our relationship was new. And I just don't feel it.

I've chalked it up to having been broken up for awhile, that I'd started to accept the situation for what it was, got used to being on my own and focusing on myself. I've also chalked it up to the fact that after our breakup, we never really got a chance to miss each other's presence - we still saw each other once a week (we have lots of mutual friends), still talked on the phone weekly and, admittedly, got physical a couple of times - so that feeling of desperate longing/horrible missing never had a chance to materialize. Some friends have said that maybe this means I'm not "IN love" with him anymore and that I'd be settling if we reunited, that instead of sticking with what I know is good and nice and comfortable, I should seek out something that's great, that I should hold out for that teenage feeling...but I'm not sure I trust that feeling either, as it is known to fade. I've thought about taking some time to not see each other or speak, as sort of a test...though I'm not sure what it would accomplish.

Can we get back together if this feeling is missing? (and where the hell is it?!) Am I placing too much importance on it? I want so badly to rekindle the flame that once burned so brightly between us...but can I force it?

Why am I suddenly having these dreams?

kleenkat — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:31:39 -0800

Why have I suddenly started to dream about other women? Here is some background info... I am not married but in a long term relationship with another woman for about a year and a half. (I am also a chick). We recently purchased a house together and will be moving next month. Also, I just turned 29 and my parents recently divorced this year after 30 years of marriage. I have dreams about random stuff like this maybe a couple times a year, not often. BUT, in the past three nights alone I have had dreams with consecutive themes-- I am with another woman, or cheating on my girlfriend, or she simply does not exist.

The first dream I had reunited with an ex, my first "love" and real relationship, so to speak who I was with for three years and also have had unresolved issues with for the past couple of years since we split. I have since moved on but from time to time get nostalgic and/or have dreams. This dream was one of intense love.. I remember embracing my ex and saying "Please don't do anything crazy until I'm done with this semester of school" (I'm finished grad school). I am having a hard time with school, work, and remodeling our house right now I guess is why I said that. but in my dream, I felt so much love and my current girlfriend didn't exist.

The second dream was with some "weird" girl who was kind of hippy or bohemian, I didn't know her, and we just had a weird sexual relationship/friendship. She shared a house with a bunch of weird people, etc. I don't know. Again my current girlfriend wasn't present.

The third dream was about a girl in my class who honestly I had not even thought about since the 1st day of class. I just remember thinking, "man I am old" since it was an undergrad and the class had both undergrads and graduates. Not attracted to this girl in real life, and I don't think we have even spoken. But in my dream, we had a really awesome friendship and relationship and the sex was amazing. She had so much spunk (again I dont know this girl at all) and was really fun to be around. I kept telling her something like, "I can't do this, blahblahblah, my girlfriend" ...then I got really frightened she was going to blab about our affair to my current girlfriend. anyway I woke up and was like, WTF?

Why am I having all these dreams about other women.... maybe sometimes I think my girlfriend is not very fun or very spontaneous, but, I do love her very much and she is funny. The sex is OK. We are very compatable as mates, and after the whole thing with my parents, and since I was very young, I've always questioned the reality of "love" and the assignments to the word.... I ask myself all the time if it is real, have I have been "in" love, etc. But I think I just suffer from the "grass is greener" syndrome. I am happy with her, I think I may just be ready to get out of this small apartment, and done with the hectic semester. Oh, and quit dreaming about other women because it makes me feel like I missed out on something, but that may be wrong of me to thing/feel. What do you think? TIA...