Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships

Can you rekindle feelings for an ex by acting like you love them?

whitelily — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 14:36:08 -0800

Can you rekindle feelings for an ex by acting like you love them? When you first start dating someone, that initial "high" makes you want to spend a lot of time with them, gives you warm fuzzies when you're with them, etc - so it's easy for love to grow. Let's say you eventually break up with that person and mentally get over them so you no longer have the warm fuzzies feeling or the craving to spend a lot of time with them. Down the line, despite those things you have reasons to get back together with the person. So you start spending a lot of time with them and confiding everything in them. Can those warm fuzzy feelings come back? Has this ever happened to anyone?

In other words, in terms of relationships, is it possible to fake it till you make it? Act like you're in love with the person again until your love for them really does return? Practice the action of love in order to develop the feeling of love?

Thanks in advance.

Change I'm Not Sure I Believe In

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 14:24:34 -0800

Where is the line between asking someone to comprise for the sake of the relationship, and asking someone to change who they are? There are things about my significant other that bother me, but I have a hard time talking to him about them, not because I think he'll be upset with me but because I feel uncomfortable asking him to change himself for me. He pretty much never asks me to change. This may be due to an imbalance in our relationship, in that I love him and care about him and am attracted to him but have never been "infatuated" (with him or with anyone else) and he has been pretty smitten with me from the beginning. But I worry that I'm using his feelings for me in order to change him, and I don't want to do that. On the other hand, I don't want to suffer through things that could be better or break up with him when he would prefer to make the change (that is, I don't want to decide what is too much to ask of him - that's for him to decide).

Some examples of the kind of thing I'm talking about: he has a tendency to respond to my distress by talking about a similar way that he's been distressed in the past (I'm sure to show that he empathizes, but to me it feels like he's asking me to comfort him instead of comforting me); we both have silly/goofy streaks but sometimes I wish he would be more serious/confident/adult - or, god help me, "manly"; and he has some habits of speech (some sort of cross between Whedon and lolcat) that I've always thought were kind of dumb, but are slowly starting to drive me crazy.

I'm sure there are things I do that will grate on him eventually (although right now he insists there is nothing he would change about me) but for now it's not a two way street so I can't measure how much I can ask him to compromise with how much *I* am willing to compromise. And I've never been in a relationship this long/serious before so I can't compare it to past experience either.

One of the awesome things about our relationship is how open and honest we can be with each other, so I'm not necessarily worried about having these kinds of conversations with him, so long as I know I'm being reasonable. The question is, am I being reasonable? Is it okay if I ask him to try and change these things? What kind of things are not okay to ask him to change? What kind of changes have you asked a partner to make for you? What kind of requests would be too much to ask of you?

Am I suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome or do I truly love my girlfriend?

kleenkat — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:58:48 -0800

How do I figure this out? Am I suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome or do I truly love my girlfriend? I've been with my current girlfriend (I'm also a woman) for a little over a year and a half. I've always had issues with dating or relationships since after my first "long" relationship, 11 mo, when i was 16/17ish. I've had two significant exes in my life whom I felt were the ones who "got away" but I know certain things happen for reasons and blah blah blah all that stuff.

I'm now with someone who is very smart, shares my sense of humor, and who initially I was attracted to. We share a lot of common ideas on life and responsibility stuff (bills, finance, etc.) which has been rare in a lot of my past relationships.

But now, three months after buying and moving into a house together, I sometimes leave work at 5pm and do not want to go home. I feel we bring out the negativity in each other. Please forgive my honesty, but when she talks to me about certain stuff, or just on a car ride longer than 20 minutes, she talks on and on about the same negative thing, and I just say "mhmm" and stare out the window.

I feel like I've lost a connection with her but I'm unsure if there ever really was a connection because I was so eager to be with her because we were good for each other. (Seem to be). I also know my last semester at grad school was very stressful and I felt I was taking on a lot with work full time, school full time, and i would still get home about an hour after her and she'd be sitting at her computer and I was left to cook dinner (more often than not). She did not clean our small apartment either, ever. She said it would change when we moved into our house because she would want to. Well guess who has done 90% of the cleaning of our new used home? Not her.

I have always sought other ways to relax via smoking and some drinking every now and then. I am now 27 and have held a stable life and career since about 24. She always says she feels like I have to self medicate to be around her, or that is the impression she gets. In general, I truly like to just relax and do those things. Other times it's completely true and I don't know what to do about it.

Our sex life is practically nonexistent. She farts a ridiculous amount and I am serious, for the first year she never did once. Now I don't care, don't get me wrong...but every night and morning she just lets them loose and I can't even fathom being intimate with her. It's been over two months since we've had sex. Along with the farting I feel she does not go out of her way AT ALL to do anything to impress me anymore. I know it's not all about me, but I try to do for her; especially lately. I want us to mutually want each other.

I guess I am spilling my guts here because I have no close friends I can really tell this to so please forgive my honesty. I moved here about 2 years ago and never had a chance or just never made many friends other than a few old friends who live about 30 min. away.

Sometimes I think how wonderful, thoughtful and kind she is. Other times I think she is just lazy about chores and has no desire to take care of herself. Sometimes I mentally plot an escape plan since we just bought a house, and I know it would be financially impossible for us to split without some prep work. Other times, I just think I need to get myself more grounded and accept things the way that they are. Nothing is like on movies; love is not like in songs or movies; my girlfriend will never declare her undying love to me or be passionate with me; but I am in a loving, mostly supportive relationship so what is wrong with me, and how do I fix it?

Should women expect men to cheat on them?

starpoint — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:01:32 -0800

I'm 27 and single. I've never had a serious boyfriend. Just throwing that out there. My brother is 24. Our 1st cousins are visiting for Christmas. One of them is male and 19, the other is female and 16. Tonight we somehow got into a huge discussion about relationships. Basically my brother and cousin (the 19-year-old) were making the following points: 1. Guys NEED to have sex with multiple women (my brother equated it with the desire to pee).

2. Just because a guy has sex with other women outside a relationship or marriage, it doesn't mean he loves his girlfriend (or wife) any less.

3. Men are living against their biological nature in Western Society. The natural order is for men to sleep with as many women as possible to spread his seed, not to stick with just one woman his whole life.

4. Continuing with Point #3, in many non-Western societies, men have multiple wives and those women don't have a problem with it; and are happy living in a harem where they are taken care of. Western women have been programmed to believe that a man will only stay with them.

5. The natural order of women is that women don't care if men sleep with other women. If they do care, then it's because the women have been programmed to think so.

6. Men are made better when they have multiple partners. E.g., they have to stay "oiled" or they become less desirable in general.

7. EVERY man will cheat on his wife or girlfriend at some point. Or if he doesn't, he will want to.

8. It's NOT OK for a woman to sleep with another man because biologically her husband or boyfriend sees her as his property and doesn't want to lose an opportunity to spread his seed (even if he has 30 other women).

9. The emotional connection women have toward men during a relationship (and men toward women) is just a temporary infatuation thing and is designed for men to stick around long enough to protect the woman while she's pregnant. Then the man is free to move on to someone else because a pregnant woman can't give him the sex he needs.

------
Of these points I do agree with the biological aspects -- women are choosier because they can only produce so many offspring; and so men need to be ready at all times so that there are "seeds" around when a woman is ready to have a baby. Nothing new there.

Otherwise I'm not sure how much I agree with many of these points.

What bothered me is the sheer arrogance of the way in which my brother and cousin presented their arguments -- as though everything men want is rational and biological, and what women want is "temporary" or the result of "programming." It's fine for a man to sleep around but not for a woman to do the same? My cousin also said that I will never meet a man that will not cheat on me. Gee, thanks. I pointed out some friends of mine who are happily married, and they just brushed those away saying that those guys are either nerdy "Beta-men" or that they could be cheating, too.

I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world. Maybe this is a reality check. There is some element of truth in what they said, but it bothers me nonetheless. I am hoping to meet a guy who is the ying to my yang and we support each other and are faithful to one another. I would not want him to sleep with other women, and I wouldn't sleep with other men. Of course we may find other people attractive, but is it so much to ask for a lifetime commitment to one person? Should I expect him to cheat behind my back? Is that just "the way it is"? My brother, cousins and I couldn't reach a compromise except, "ask nothing, tell nothing."

My brother said he's talked to many men -- professors, pilots, business men, etc., who have all supposedly cheated on their wives. I'm not trying to portray my brother and cousin as bad people. They're not bad people, but they are both a bit arrogant. But at least they're honest (with me, anyway).

I couldn't think of any good counter-arguments during our discussion. I enjoy debate but I'm not good at it when it's sudden and I haven't had a chance to prepare. I understand that my brother is a guy and he has needs, but what about women's needs? Why are women's needs less important? I don't want to be wife #19. Is that so much to ask? Is it unrealistic? When I pursue relationships, should I expect the guy to cheat? Should I bring it up with him before we even start to go steady? What are ways a guy can handle his desire to be with multiple women in a long-term relationship?

Chat in Relationships?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:56:49 -0800

How do you deal with instant messaging early in a relationship? I've just started dating a woman that I've known for a about a year. We both use GChat and tend to be logged in fairly frequently.

Given that it's early in the relationship, it seems overbearing to be communicating every day. Email is just as instant (in our age of BlackBerries at least), but a chat program has a "presence" that makes it seem weird to be logged on all the time without saying anything.

So far I've dealt with this in part by not being logged in so much, but also this change in behavior (and she knows how much I was logged in before) seems odd. How have you dealt with this?

Other details that might matter: it's long distance, so we don't see each other that frequently, so far it's been visit once a month, talk on the phone a little more frequently than once a week, e-mail and chat more in between.

The job offer, the boyfriend, and the dilemma

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:18:07 -0800

I'm considering a great job offer in another state, and what it might mean for my two-year relationship. Help me develop a framework for making some decisions about all this. For the past two years, I've been dating a great guy. He's the sweetest man I've ever met, would do anything for me, and if I asked him to marry me tomorrow (and if it were legal; I'm also a guy), he would in a heartbeat.

Last week, I was offered a stellar job in DC (I live in Minnesota). Without my partner in the picture, I'm 95% sure I would accept the job without hesitation. It's a great fit for my skills, I love the organization, I really like the team I'd be working with and the fellow I'd be working for, I love the project I'd be helping to lead, etc. I'm currently an independent contractor, making a nice living working remotely (and temporarily) for a company in Florida. I've turned down a number of jobs while carefully considering my next step, but this feels like the right one. I'll miss Minnesota, but wouldn't mind being back on the East Coast, close to many friends and closer to family.

My partner was let go from his job earlier this year, partly because he spent too much time visiting me while I worked in another state for nine months. When I returned to Minnesota this past summer, we discussed living together, but I told him I wasn't ready. Now, he'd have absolutely no hesitation about moving with me to DC, but I still have concerns.

I'm the coldly rational guy in the relationship; he's the warm, emotional one. This is the longest, deepest relationship I've ever been in (we're both 29).* He's had one other significant relationship, and it ended badly a while after he dropped out of college to move with his lover across the country. I try not to view this last fact as foreshadowing, especially considering he's just restarted college (a distance education program, unaffected by the move).

Like any relationship, ours has highs and lows, and I have no idea which will outweigh which in the years to come. I love him. I still don't know (and I'm not sure I ever will) if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He has depression, which he takes medication for, and which I've come to learn a lot about. Till now, I've been able to take our relationship a day at a time. This job offer changes that situation.

One of the reasons I hesitated to move in together previously was concern over our widely asymmetrical financial situations. I wanted to be sure he retained his financial independence in case things didn't work out. Another reason is that I really value my own space. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, and I've also never had a bad breakup - I tend to find a correlation there. On some level, I might be a classic commitment-phobe, but I think that phobia's expressed itself in mostly healthy, prudent ways.

The prospect of moving across the country together really ups the ante. We'd have to live together, and my salary would have to cover most of the [significantly higher] cost of living, at least until he finds a job. He'd be dependent on me, to a degree, and economically (as well as emotionally) devastated if "things didn't work out." But I think the pressures of cohabitation in a place where he has no job and no friends would be a difficult test for our relationship, especially with such high stakes.

If I decline a terrific offer, mostly to stay here with him, I worry that decision would have other portents for our relationship. I worry that I wouldn't be able to avoid projecting onto him some of my regret at passing on a great opportunity, the way I suspect he secretly projects onto his ex his decision to drop out of college. I also worry that after my contract work ends, the only local opportunities I'd find would be significantly inferior to the DC gig. Every job offer I've turned down so far has been in a different state, and I fear my career will force my hand sooner rather than later.

I don't think it would be feasible for us to date long-distance again. We had the leisure of visiting each other at least once a month during my 9-month sojourn. But now, I'd be strapped for time, and he'd be strapped for cash, making visits problematic. Working remotely in the new job isn't an option.

I have a great career, which is important to me, although I'm definitely not a workaholic. I don't think the calculus here is quite as simple as whether my career or my relationship comes first. I need some advice on how to talk about this with my partner, guidance on what factors I should take into consideration, thoughts on what options are available, and questions that might broaden or focus my thinking.

Thanks for reading this, and thanks in advance for your insights.

* If you watch How I Met Your Mother, you'd call me Robin, and him Marshall (in fact, just like Robin, I'm from Canada, and just like Marshall, he's from Minnesota).

I don't want to lose my temper.

mokeydraws — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:26:50 -0800

My boyfriend has a tendency to lose shit. His wallet, his license, cell phones, keys, ipod, money. This mostly happens when he’s drunk but it also happens when he is stone cold sober. At first, I thought it was weird. Then it became annoying. Now it absolutely infuriates me. Despite his tendency to lose things, he still likes to borrow stuff from other people. And becomes offended when he gets refused. He is currently out of work. Money is so very tight, he has nothing coming in. I get transit cheks and decided to get multiple cards so that he would have transportation for interviews and so forth. This may sound stupid but getting my metrocards through this program provides me with a certain amount of stability. It is one less thing I have to worry about. I don’t have to wait in line at the train station, or spend any after-tax money on them. Despite this, and as a display of trust, I lent him my card. He lost it. I am so angry. This feels like an endless loop in loserdom. When he got in (drunk, at 6am), I felt capable of violence. I made him sleep on the floor in the living room (we don’t have couches) and held back from most of the viciousness.

How do I deal with my anger and communicate with him so that he understands where I’m coming from. I don’t want to cry or yell or throw anything and that is exactly where I am emotionally. I am normally very calm and able to deal with all kinds of situations without losing it. Right now I’m on the verge.

Chinese and Western relationship norms?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 10:37:50 -0800

What do you wish you knew about Mainland Chinese dating and relationships that would have made your relationship easier? What are some common sources of misunderstanding between Westerners and people from China? I've been seeing a conservative woman from Guangzhou for a couple of months, and we get along great. I'm Asian, too, but I moved here when I was young, my family aren't Chinese, and I could really do with some education regarding Chinese culture.

I've noticed that the unwritten rules of dating are quite different for us both; it's quite possible for both of us to accidentally do things that the other person could potentially misinterpret. Fortunately, there's a lot of goodwill between us.

The drama of the Ask Metafilter guy who was going to move out on his Chinese roommate illustrated how different cultural meanings of various things can be.

http://ask.metafilter.com/138804/Stuck-in-the-dreaded-friend-zone

I've asked a previous question about dating this woman:

http://ask.metafilter.com/134846/Dating-Across-a-Language-Barrier

We're both in our 20s.

Have you been in a relationship with someone from China? What do you wish you had known? What realisations for you or for your partner made things easier for you?

anon.learning.chinese@gmail.com

Teaching an old dog new tricks...that I learned from another dog.

blackcatcuriouser — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:50:20 -0800

How can I teach my ex what I've learned while we were apart? My ex-boyfriend and I are in talks about getting back together. We've been broken up for a little less than a year, in what was a mutual, amicable breakup. We haven't discussed our sexual involvements with other people during the separation period (feel it's unnecessary, as long as we're both still clean - which we are.) We both know we got physical with other people while we were broken up (for various reasons that aren't important to the question) but haven't talked details, which I think we both prefer.

I had a brief fling with a guy over the summer. It was exciting while it lasted and the sex was unbelievable. He dropped some moves on me that I'd never ever seen and my body did things I didn't know it could do. (I'll spare you the salacious details but rest assured...it was good.) We would also use dirty talk in our pre-coital flirtations and it was a major turn-on. This is something I'd never done in the many years of dating my ex and is something my ex has said he's uncomfortable doing.

Summer fling guy is way out of the picture now, as it was a totally casual thing with no emotional involvement. I'm not interested in seeing him again, nor will I. I would like to work on getting back together with my ex, whom I love. Sex with the ex has always been good, but I'm worried that now that I've discovered some new, almost life-changing things that excite me, I won't feel entirely satisfied by him.

I want to reach the same sexual high with him that I did with Summerfling. I realize this probably requires a "Hey, why don't we try this?" or a "I'd love it if you did thisthing." I'd like to suggest some new things for us to do, or rather, new things for him to do to more efficiently get me off, without him feeling like I was comparing him to people I'd slept with while we were broken up. Admittedly, that's probably where my mind would go too if he started suggesting all these new things he was never into before. Added challenge: My ex and I have very different communication styles. He's very awkward about any sort of sex talk; gets kind of uncomfortable.

So how do I broach this topic with him if and when we get back together? Is it something I can gently ease him into during sex? Should it be a separate conversation?

Just not feeling it and what I feel isn't good either and I want to know why

VC Drake — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:28:31 -0800

You're dating someone. Something just doesn't feel right in your gut. You feel uneasy. What could be all the possible reasons for that feeling? You keep going over it and over it in your mind. What is missing? What is wrong? They treat me good, so why do I feel unsure, scared or concerned? It's that feeling that no matter how much you want to trust and feel free to love, you're not feeling it. You can't find any apparent reasons that you shouldn't be feeling totally confident and sure about the relationship, but you still don't. Even over several months, the feeling never goes away. You just can't seem to trust the person you're dating and you keep having that nagging feeling in your gut. You've had solid, trusting relationships in the past, so you know it's not you. What could it be?

Help me get over the honeymoon phase.

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:24:28 -0800

I'm extremely infatuated with my boyfriend of 1 year, to the point where it's getting a little annoying. Advice? I began seeing my current boyfriend in August of 2008, and we became exclusive a couple of months later. I was quite smitten with him from the beginning, and I was expecting that "honeymoon phase" to last two or three months, like it has in all of my other relationships... and it still hasn't subsided. We even lived together over the summer, which I figured might dull my enthusiasm a bit. But it didn't at all. If anything, I have a bigger crush on him now than I did when we first started dating.

I'm normally very even-keeled, so this feeling has puzzled me from the very beginning, and now it's starting to feel a bit... cumbersome. I don't act crazy or clingy -- in fact, I'm really not very demonstrative about my affections at all -- but I feel like I think about him way more than I should. I'll catch myself daydreaming about jumping his bones during class, or in a free moment I'll randomly start feeling giddy about how lucky I am and how great my relationship is. Every time he kisses me (which is nearly every day), I get that butterflies-in-my-stomach, squeeee-I-can't-believe-this-is-really-happening feeling. It's EXHAUSTING.

I tend to think that, when people obsess over things, it's often because they're subconsciously trying to avoid thinking about something more difficult - i.e. some aspect of their lives that's lacking, or something that's worrying them (this seems to be a widely-held view here on AskMeFi). I don't really think that's the case here though. I'm pretty content with everything that's going on in my life right now. I'm about to graduate from college, my career path seems pretty solid and I'm excited about it. I have a close-knit group of friends, no shortage of hobbies, and I get along great with my family. So it's not that my "crush" is providing a distraction from something unpleasant. Nor is it interfering with my productivity. It's just emotionally taxing, and I feel like I should calm the hell down already.

(Factors that probably have some bearing: I'm 23, boyfriend is 28. I've been in two other long-term relationships, and had a handful of casual flings, but this is the first time either of us has been "in love".)

Keep a name from a previous marriage?

Goodgrief — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:43:13 -0800

I am divorced and retained my married name because I like it and it suits me, and my kids share it. I would like to keep my name, even if I married again. I am dating someone casually who has mentioned that anyone he would marry would have to change her name to his. What is the hive opinion of keeping a name from a previous marriage? Is this unheard of? Should this be a dealbreaker?

Relationship over. I can't move, heal..

iam2bz2p — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:27:24 -0800

Had good reasons for breakup. Then a reconciliation. And then... (Only those who can't turn away from gawking at a bloody traffic accidents need read on...) One year relationship. Many ups and downs, but love there. Were we best friends in the relationship. She moves in six months after we start dating. She has a three-year old son.

We have real ups, month of cruising along just fine and then downs. Three months later, her behavior begins to change-- we're arguing regularly (not something in my nature), she's acting irrational, I'm getting frustrated and angry. She has several full-blown freakouts over small things. A rollercoaster. She had stopped taking her meds. Zoloft. Didn't tell me. Has panic attacks. Didn't tell me.

I don't see a future ahead, although I had an engagement ring ready in the wings. I didn't fully commit to her son or her.

I ended the relationship. She was devastated. We still lived together another two weeks. I was good. Felt good. Knew it was the right decision.

Six weeks later, I'm missing her and her son terribly. So lonely in the house. So quiet. I miss my friend, my mate. The boy. I run into an old friend. Tells me he's divorced. Wife stopped taking her meds (thought she was happy now, and didn't need them). Same thing with her. Gives evidence that maybe the meds were a key factor in the breakup.

We begin to take walks. Heal. Talk easily. But she tells me that she just began seeing someone. A week of talking, my resolution firmer, my clarity improves. I want to reconcile. Seek therapy. For the first time (I'm 42) I REALLY understand and experience what it is to fully commit to a woman. I'm different . I KNOW now what it MEANS to truly commit to another person. I accepted ALL her issues. I told her this. I accepted her in her entirety. I knew the risks.

We reunite on a Sunday night. Deep commitments exchanged. Marriage. I would adopt her son. We'd dedicate ourselves to counseling. She breaks up with guy she'd been seeing for almost a month. Was sleeping with him.

I'm so happy Sunday night and all Monday. She cooks a wonderful dinner Monday night. We're in bed. I have to ask hard questions about the other guy.

Did you use protection?
No.
Did you tell him to pull out and not cum inside you.
No.
Do you think you could be pregnant.
No way.

She says no way. She counted the days. Impossible. She laughs it off. No way she says.

I said we need to get a test. At 11:30PM I'm at the grocery store asking them to unlock the glass case where they keep the trojans and the pregnancy tests. I buy one. I'm one of the last people in the store at that time of night.

I get to her house. We're in the bathroom. Digital. 99% accurate. Two answers: Pregnant. Not Pregnant.

No blue + or red -.

Simple English.

It reads: "Pregnant"

Everything explodes.

I don't want to raise the children of two other men. I love her. I want her. But not that. I'm destroyed. She's destroyed. No sleep.

The next morning, Tuesday, she tells guy who was just dumped 24 hours before. I'm pregnant. He's away on business. I go to think. He thinks. She thinks. We're all confused.

Would never have an abortion. She considers adoption. I knew she couldn't do it. My decision was that I'd stay we'd be together through the pregancy, but she'd have to give the baby up for adoption and then the three of us would continue our life together from there.

Three days later, she decides to keep the baby. That's my deal breaker. She works to repair relationship with other guy. She calls me two days after making her decision. 10 minutes she's weeping. Sobbing. Wants to be with me. Knew it from our first date. Wishes the baby inside her was mine.

The other guy is VERY happy to have her + baby + son. He's 46, divorced, has three kids already.

I'm destroyed. A life so clear 72 hours before, gone. The depth of commitment, like I'd never experienced. I'm grieving. Mourning. Cannot stop thinking about her. The what-if's. I'm hardly eating. Sleeping. (and I'd never miss a meal or go without a solid black expanse of 8 hours of sleep)

After our breakup, she moved across the street. I see her car gone all night. She's with him. Sleeping with him. I've left her, reconciled, and then lost her forever.

Never through anything like this. Never. For the first time I've experienced what it means to fully commit and then lose. I had a choice.

Start of second week after. I'm worse everyday. I know you'll say time will heal. But I'm 42. I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again. Took me 42 years to find her.

The weight of the lonliness is crushing me. I have too much free time to fill. 8 hours per night. All weekend. Trying to stay busy, but can't fill that many hours.

She's keeping the baby. It's not like she chose the other guy over me. She chose the baby and I chose a life that didn't include the baby + baby daddy.

A reconcilation is not possible. The other guy's in love. She tell him she's in love. Tells me she'll learn to love him. He seems like a good guy. Knows he was second choice. She's a risk for sure. Takes guts.

He'll take care of her (he has money). He'll be good for her. She'll keep me forever in her heart. She'll cry for us some nights alone. But we'll never be together.

I know this.

I know this.

I hate this.

Help. What advice / experiences could you share to help me move on?

How do I cope with jealousy of other peoples' intimacy?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:02:45 -0800

I am a straight 29-year old male who has never been in a relationship or had any sexual experience. When I find out that other people I know are entering into relationships or getting frisky, I get slammed by a whole cluster of negative emotions, and I need help coping. These negative feelings include pain, like I got the wind knocked out of me and my chest is collapsing, extreme jealousy, anger, misogynistic thoughts like "all women are bitches because they'll hook up with that kind of guy but not me," and thoughts that I maybe my life isn't worth living anymore. (To be clear, I have zero desire to act on that thought, and I find it terrifying when it comes up. If I ever started planning ways to commit suicide, I would immediately seek in-person professional help.)

As I've gotten older and still been without any intimate relationships, these feelings have gotten worse. I used to only experience this when a girl I had a crush on would choose someone else, but it's getting to the point where finding out that anyone I know is sexually involved with someone or is in a relationship with another person can bring up these feelings.

I'm not asking for strategies to find a girlfriend or get laid, and so I'm leaving out the background of why my dating history has been non-existent. What I really need are some ways to keep these feelings from overwhelming me and to deal with the fact that other people get into relationships and have sex.

Help me make specific suggestions to someone who needs to become more proactive and collaborative, and less reactive and emotional.

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:21:50 -0800

Help me make specific suggestions to someone who needs to become more proactive and collaborative, and less reactive and emotional. My girlfriend (who I live with) and I have recently had some major friction around what I perceive to be her less than proactive, largely passive approach to our relationship. She's a very quiet person who lacks confidence in herself (socially and otherwise) despite the fact that she's bright and accomplished (PhD, good publications, etc.). This might sound like an awful thing to say, but in my opinion she hasn't exactly "grown up" and taken on full responsibility for the direction of her life. We've recently had discussions about how she can be more proactive about raising issues in our relationship (versus just getting angry) and suggesting solutions in a collaborative way when issues do arise. We both acknowledge that I'm usually the one to offer solutions.

Yesterday she was informed by her employer that she was not meeting expectations and that she can either accept a demotion or leave the company. Thinking about it objective (as much as I can, of course), I think that it's a strong possibility that some of her behaviors that are negatively affecting our relationship might also have affected her prospects at work. Specifically, she can be quite emotional, non-collaborative, and critical (in a non-constructive way). Her manager confirmed that she wasn't taking enough initiative to drive projects at work.

She is having a very difficult time understanding why her colleagues have perceived her as having shortcomings. I am in the delicate position of trying to be as supportive as possible to her, but also wanting her to recognize this as an opportunity (wake up call?) to work on some serious issues that are impeding her growth in multiple areas of life. We discussed it, and I think that she took it well.

The question that I have is whether anyone has suggestions for dealing with these issues. I've suggested she investigate therapy as a potential avenue, but this sort of problem does not seem very clearly defined (versus, say "depression") and I wonder if therapy can help her with this. On the other hand, I don't want to leave it all up to her, because I think that (like most of us) she clearly doesn't recognize how people see her. The bottom line is that I'd like to make concrete suggestions to her for avenues that she can investigate to address these issues. Her simply saying "I'll be more proactive", without a plan, probably isn't going to inspire confidence at this point.

Whether our relationship works out or not, I still care for her and want her to be successful. I think these issues are really holding her back, and she's young enough (29) to address them before they become a serious impediment to her life.

Thanks very much for any advice.

Looking for attention in all the wrong places

dentro — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:36:34 -0800

Why would a woman be jealous of the attention her girlfriends receive from their significant others? There is an answer, but the issue has formed a pattern in my life that I fear is getting out of control! I would appreciate anyone who could take the time to help me out by reading more...:) Hello all!

First a little about how this all began...

I am a single woman in her early twenties, currently studying and living on my own.

A few years ago, while I was still living with my family, I met my best friend's boyfriend for the first time. I had just gotten back from travelling so I was not there to see their blossoming "love" from the beginning.

My best friend and I are two people who have the potential to be at the same level, but because of my catastrophically low self esteem, and because we each grew up so different, it could never be so.
Up to this point in our friendship, I've always felt like I was batman's confidant.

Getting to the point...

When I met her boyfriend, I thought he was great.
Sweet, smart, successful (for his age). It was pathetic.
I began to think how unfortunate it was that I hadn't met him before she did! He appeared to be perfect in every way.

One thing that wasn't perfect of course was their relationship. This was his first serious one, and my friend was mentally abusing the crap out of him. She had just been in and out of getting her heart broken by someone else, and this new perfect boyfriend of hers was a new toy.

They fought day in, day out. THE FIRST FEW MONTHS of that relationship.

Their constant bickering could only remind me of why I chose to be single in the first place. It brought back unpleasant memories of old boyfriends and our old quarrels, it made me feel awful. I didn't want her to experience this pain that I had, and I knew she didn't feel that deeply for him.

THAT was another thing that got me super angry. Why are you with such a great guy when you can't even love him? How is he for you when you are just confusing your attachment to him with love?

(I know that I may sound evil and over dramatic. I don't feel good about it!)

I still remember how she was telling me about a fight they had and it was one of the first times she threatened to break up with him. She told me how it made him break down and cry and beg for her not to leave him. She felt bad for making him cry, but I could see that as much as she cared for him- she did not LOVE him.

After telling me about this, I recommended that she break up with him, to save each of them any future pain. He loves her, she doesn't love him- How is that fair?

They stayed together of course.

After a while I realized he had began to act weird around me, and after a group confrontation I found out that she told him what I said and they both suspected that I had a crush on him and was trying to break them up.

Truth is, I did kind of like him, as you can read! But I ALSO really cared for my friend and didn't want to see her tear things apart with someone she didn't love, even though she thought it was all fine and worth it because he was so "perfect."
I wasn't trying to break them up in any other way aside from giving that piece of advice, as much I had a little crush on him- she's my friend. I kept things kosher, yo.
Still, things were never the same for us.

I could never hang out with them again without it being awkward. Because her and I were so close, he had to deal with me and I with him on almost a daily basis.
I tried to confront him and apologize but he didn't want to hear it.
A lot of unfriendly words were exchanged, etc.
Anger and jealousy and trust issues between my friend and I went down because I had not made a very convincing case against not liking him and all. :-/

I should have spent less time with them, but because I felt guilty I tried to sustain our friendship as much as I could through being around her all the time (and he was always there).
I should have thought of myself first, and just kept my distance.

And yes, I noticed that I wanted to squirm every time they would show any public displays of affection. And it did pull at my heart strings a little.

This had been going on for the past few years, I suspect that after it happened I began to feel funny around couples. As though I subconsciously like the boyfriend of my friend and want him even if he may not be my type, even if he is a complete moron. I still want him or his attention for something. But specifically if he is a good catch, since I suppose it all comes back to the memory of my best friend and her "perfect" man.

It freaked me out recently because I started to three wheel with several other girlfriends, and I always get uncomfortable when they get too intimate with one another around me (even in simple conversation with one another in front of me).

I get kind of disappointed when I don't catch the guy looking at me, or purposely starting conversation to get to know me, or pay extra attention to me. You get the picture (Once again, I am not proud of any of this).

I went out with another good friend of mine and her guy for the first time recently, and while driving, I found something of interest in common with her guy. She decided to be funny by expressing jealousy and telling him, "Nooo! you don't like that, you like what I like!"
It was just a joke, but I swear my heart stopped.

I felt a series of nervous and familiar thoughts come into play. "Do i like this guy? why am I mentioning that I like what he likes? Next time I will just keep my mouth shut. I don't like anything. but I want to, I want him to like me!"
I continued to act kinda weird and faked fatigue later in the night to run on home sooner.

I do not want to lose friends over this.
I am dating someone that I like right now and it is going really well, though I still feel these unpleasant feelings. I just shouldn't three-wheel anymore.

If you have read this far ahead, thank you.
I appreciate it whether you hate me by this point, don't give a damn, or sympathize with me. It doesn't matter.

Writing all this down was therapeutic enough.
But boy, I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice to hear a few words of advice on how to battle this!

- D

Help! Need advice for giving friend advice!!

Hydrofiend — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:24:00 -0800

How do I tell my friend the truth in a way that she can hear it, then take what she can from it and do what feels right to her? One of my closest and dearest friends believes me to be insightful and intuitive. I believe the same of her. She's been dating someone who she hoped I would meet and give her my "take" on because she feels I will not only be honest but be correct in my assessment. I met him this weekend. I LOVE her, she is my dog, my ace, my girl, the person I can tell all kinds of crazy shit to without judgement (I am very lucky to have her as a friend.) Love for the dude, not so much. Well, not that I don't like him...here's the story, backwards. My first impression is he's nice...to her. He is very attentive, stares at her with stars in his eyes and clearly wants to be a husband and daddy. It's obvious he wants to fill her every desire or need. To me, he's trying way too hard and that it might come from a place of desperation. Spending time with him, I feel he thinks she will save him in some way. From his demons or fear of being alone....I don't know. My issue is that I'm not sure whether his desire has anything to do with my friend as a person or if that's his goal and he's gonna get it however he can. I know she has the same concern but it's difficult to turn down someone who wants to wash your dishes and make love to you until the cows come home even though you are not sure whether you want that with them in the long run.
The thing is, my friend deserves to have someone look at her with stars in his eyes. She deserves someone who wants to make babies with her. She deserves all that she desires but.....homeboy seems a little off to me. He seems to have a fantasy in his head about whatever it is he thinks a relationship should be and, to me, that's not fair to my friend. She is fantastic sans fantasy and deserves someone who sees that. I get that we all have an idea of what it is we think we want when we think about loving someone for the rest of our lives but shouldn't that be based on the actual person whom we are thinking of spending the rest of our lives with? ("Starry Eyes" has expressed his love for her, his desire to live with and make a life with her....all good things if both people feel the same way. Not to mention they've known each other for about 6 months. The 1st few wrought with some drama, see below.)

OK, some of the messiness:

Their shit:
-My friend got out of a 2.5 year relationship shortly after meeting "Starry Eyes". (like literally a few weeks. She wasn't looking but apparently he was and he persued her consistently)

-She still has unresolved feelings for her ex and has made that clear to "Starry Eyes". She's been working through it but for the past months also beginning a relationship with "Starry Eyes".

-"Starry Eyes" was engaged in an open relationship when persuing my friend. (but apparently "open" meant just fucking, not falling in love)

-When he got caught with my friend by his fiance, he ended his engagement-the confrontation ended it, went into therapy and moved out. (He has subsequently made other decisions for My friend, complying to her wants and desires. Good on a whole but troublesome in that he didn't make these choices on his own , prior to meeting her)

-My friend has been honest with him about where she's at in terms of being in a relationship. He has told her he will wait.

My Shit:
-I'm fresh out of a stream of jacked up relationships, some involving infidelity on both ends. I'm pretty sensitive about the subject and can smell shenanigans a mile away now that I recognize the hows and whys to relationships involving such behavior.

-I'm a little jaded right now and not really feeling like I know jack shit about how to make a healthy relationship happen (in therapy thank you very much.)

-I've been in situations similar and have since realized that although shit like this happens, is bound to happen in your late 30's, it doesn't mean that you HAVE to build a relationship based on such shit. And, if you do choose to, all parties need to be clear and communicative.

My friend wants my input and advice. She asked me what I thought when "Starry Eyes"wasn't around and I told her not to ask just yet. She knows me and I know her-well. It's gonna be a long conversation. She's been grappling with her thoughts about this relationship for a while now. I love her and want to be honest with her but am trying to figure out the best way to say what I mean given my own issues right now. I know life can be grey and messy. Things are not always clear-cut and tied with a pretty bow. But I am still working through my own shit to discover what that all means to me.

I tend to romanticize in general but am in a real realist mood. How can I communicate to her what I sense about "Starry Eyes" yet express to her that it is clouded by my own sense of romantic relationships right now? Who knows, they may make it through and decide to move on in relationship. I just don't want my input to make her make a decision that might not be right for her but I also want her to pick up what I'm putting down. Oy! Help!!!

Devastating deathbed declarations

quidividi — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 05:02:47 -0800

How common is it for someone to make a devastating deathbed declaration, like "I never really loved you," or "I'm not really your father?"

Getting My Gimpy Groove On

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:03:26 -0800

How can a gimp who's got a lot going for himself get a date and maybe even get a little somethin' somethin' after a loooong dry spell? More details with minimum self-pity inside. First, some background: I'm in my mid-thirties and I have a congenital disability that is pretty severe. Severe as in strangers probably look at me and think, "God, I'd rather be dead." I use a wheelchair and have very little movement in my extremities and I breathe with the assistance of a ventilator. I require 24-hour assistance to help me get through life. Despite all this, I've managed to build a pretty decent life for myself. I went to college and grad school and now make a good living at a job I love. I own my own place and have plenty of good friends. I've traveled and, in general, have lived a life that has turned out better than I thought it would.

As you might guess, I'm pretty inexperienced with dating and relationships. My high school and young adult years saw me make clumsy attempts to ask women out, but I was so full of insecurities and self-doubt that I met with no success. I grew more comfortable with myself as I got older and finally met someone online in my late twenties. We dated for a couple months but it didn't work out. Since then, I've had a couple dates but nothing beyond that.

I think I'm doing all the things that a guy my age is supposed to do to try to meet women. OKCupid ad? Check. Book club? Check. Volunteering? Check. I don't do bars or clubs simply because they're crowded, noisy places that make communication difficult. But for whatever reason, I don't meet many single women and fewer still who seem like possible dates. I keep asking myself if I should be doing something more, but I have no idea what that might be.

I don't have any illusions about my own attractiveness and I realize that a relationship with me comes with a lot of challenges. Still, I think I'm pretty cool guy with smarts and more than a little charm. It just takes time for other people to see that.

My question for my fellow MeFites: should I just keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best or try something that hasn't occurred to me? I have to admit that I'm getting a little frustrated with the loneliness and celibacy, but I also don't want to turn into some bitter old bachelor. If my future is going to be one of bachelorhood, how do I make myself okay with that? I've even flirted with the idea of hiring a, er, professional to get a little temporary relief, but that seems like it could result in all sorts of not-so-good outcomes.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

How do you save a marriage after an affair?

wantstobeadesigner — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:27:19 -0800

My world is destroyed after an affair. I desperately need advice. Its a long story... Please help. This is such a long story... I will try to keep it as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We just got married 3 months ago. About 4 years into our relationship I had something blindside me. A married man came on to me. Before I knew it, I was involved in an affair with not only this married man but another younger, single man as well. This went on for less than a year before I broke both of them off completely. Neither of the relationships were meaningful beyond a lust level.

I tried to carry on with my life like nothing happened and never told my bf. We got engaged 6 months later. He still had no idea. My guilt never really went away. I went on antidepressants. My personally was changing. It was killing me and us.

Then, six months after the engagement the truth started to come out in the form of rumors. Many of which were true but I continued to deny it. I told my fiance half truths thinking I was protecting him. I told him that I was having feeling with the younger guy but I never admitted anything sexual happened... I also completely denied that I had anything to do with the married man fearing that his family/young kids would be destroyed. In hind site I cant believe I ever committed such horrible acts. I had convinced myself it never happened.

I went on living a lie for a the entire next year. Several times I was asked if there was more to the story and I was always to scared to fess up. I went on with lie after lie. His fears were very founded and never subsided. I went through with the wedding, we bought a house. Three months later I cracked.

He was begging for the truth and I started to give it to him. He was so upset he left, made plans to move out and he wants this relationship to end. Here is my problem. I am so desperate to try and make this work, but I still am too scared to admit the whole truth. I know he will go to the married mans wife and I am so afraid that I have done enough damage and dont want anyone else to feel this hurt. I am really guilty and so so ashamed. I cant stand the idea of how this additional information will hurt my husband. I know I am in the wrong but still want to save my relationship. What should I do???

I don't really know why this has to be awkward.

flawsekno — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:38:49 -0800

College freshman drama: After knowing A. for a week, I dated him for two; I was the one who broke it off. A month later, I started dating D. It's been three weeks since that started and things have been fantastic, except A. still refuses to talk to either one of us. This is awkward because we all live in the same dorm. Is there anything I can do to make things smoother? Yes, this is fairly typical college freshman drama; my apologies, and I'll try to keep things short.

I think that A.'s overreacting, but I did make a lot of mistakes while dealing with him. It was the first time dating for him; I was coming off of a messy quasi-relationship/break-up from the summer, and I entered into this relationship with A. much too quickly (more or less right when we got to college) partially to reassure myself that I was capable of a normal relationship. I broke things off because I was feeling overwhelmed and because I wasn't really into him--I only told him the former. I also told him that I wouldn't be dating D. about a week before I started doing exactly that--oops. It wasn't a lie at the time, but I did change my mind awfully fast. I've apologized to A. about this--the only (short, awkward) conversation we've had since I started dating D. Basically, I acted horribly.

Still, A.'s an interesting person and I miss talking to him, or at least having him greet me back when I say hi; I also dislike feeling like I have to police how I act towards D. in A.'s presence (not in the sense of restraining myself from unbridled makeouts, but in the sense of avoiding couple-y in-jokes and hand-holding, etc.). Neither D. nor I have been avoiding him or actively trying to see him, and I say hi and smile when I see him, but A. doesn't respond and generally tries to avoid being in the same room as us. We all see a lot of each other since we live in the same small (50-person) dorm. These are minor annoyances, but I'd like things to be less awkward if at all possible. Is there any chance that A. and I can have normal conversations in the near future, and if so, is there anything I can do to facilitate that transition? Should I be careful about how I act towards or talk to D. in A.'s presence, or should I just have A. deal with it? I don't want to be any more of a jerk to A. than I've already been.

Again, this isn't a big deal, but thanks so much for all your help!

"What are you doing?" "I'm ending our friendship." NOOOOO!

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:34:59 -0800

Help! Can I salvage this friendship even after experiencing the searing pain of rejection? (CAUTION: lengthy beanplating)

Okay. About six months ago, I posted a smart, sassy personal ad under "strictly platonic" on the local Craigslist (not in the US) seeking someone to talk to, hang out with, with the intention of expanding my social circles and being introduced to someone else's social circle. It was w4m since most of my friends (maybe 90%) are girls and I don't have enough guy friends. Having never used CL before, I was surprised by the caliber of responses, mostly coming from interesting, articulate people, and ended up hanging out with someone who really did turn into a friend, and corresponded with a couple more who were local, but were currently assigned elsewhere for work.

Enter: The Man I Speak Of. Despite being an American in America and being over a decade older than me and never having made a friend over the Internet before, he replied to my ad. He had been to my city some years ago, and he worked in the airline industry and so could pretty much fly anywhere. Now, of course, being a MeFite and having been a nethead for 14 years, I am no stranger to online interactions with people from around the world, and upon the requisite Googlestalking, he seemed to be everything he said he was, so I thought, what the hey, why not? He wasn't the best speller, but he still seemed articulate, had a questioning mind, liked to think on his feet, an extrovert, was also interested in books and movies and music, and best of all, he was extremely funny and there was a certain je ne sais quoi in the way he wrote that just made his personality jump off the page. (I'm sure you can see where this is going.) Our highly enthusiastic e-mails escalated in frequency to daily, and eventually we also started chatting daily (with the occasional voice chat). At one point we were chatting twice a day for hours, despite the time differences: when I woke up and he was getting ready for bed, and when he woke up and I was getting ready for bed. We would even chat when he was traveling. If we couldn't chat, he would e-mail or leave an offline message, some little nugget for me to find. (Data point: he was on extended leave from work, and I was between jobs.) I can't even remember what we talked about, mostly getting-to-know-you stuff and common interests I suppose. He would jokingly censor himself when I complained that he ranted too much. We had a strange relationship. It was still strictly platonic on the surface, even somewhat paternal, but clearly we were getting very attached to each other. Eventually, we decided that this wasn't very healthy, and decided to cut back to chatting only once a day. The next time he traveled, he didn't bring his laptop. He started attending adult classes and working on a writing project, so he would have some accomplishments to show for when he comes back from his leave. Good, right?

Three months into it, I'm not sure how, our voice chat turned somewhat flirtatious when he complimented my voice and my laugh. I was flattered, and of course I really liked him, but I wasn't sure if I could put any stock into it, since we hadn't met. He had sent me his picture, but while he wasn't unattractive, I wasn't sure if I was attracted to it, or to him physically, so I kept myself in check. Then, maybe a week later, he started acting strange and distant. I didn't catch him online for days, and he didn't leave any notes. It seemed like he was avoiding me. So then I ask what's up, and he goes "What am I going to do with you?" Then he admited that he had a drinking problem, that he couldn't lie to me, that he had been thinking hard about it because he wanted to be more than friends, that he knew he could be very charming, but that he didn't want me to make any emotional investment in him without knowing this very huge thing and he was worried I would write him off.

Well, dear MeFites, I didn't write him off but I also didn't know how to handle the bomb he dropped. (I mean, up until this worldly older man, I had mostly been involved with geeky types, engineer types, and sensitive indie musician types.) I really, really, really liked him, but I told him that it was something I could handle if we were friends, but that it would definitely be a problem if we were to be more than friends. So, we stayed friends, and of his own volition, he started seeing a doctor and going to AA meetings. I tried to be very, very supportive and help him stay positive. He had previously kicked his smoking habit, I knew he could do it. The tenor of our conversations changed: deeper, more serious. We both expressed a desire to lighten up, but for some reason it would constantly tip towards the heavy end.

In spite of myself, I started to develop feelings for him. Rationally, I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't help feeling tender and affectionate after he showed such vulnerability. I started becoming uncomfortable with the nature of his friendship with an attractive married colleague he had a crush on, and even more uncomfortable that he vaguely implied having had "friends with benefits" and outright upset at the possibility of him jumping on an opportunity if it arose. Yet I didn't necessarily want to be "with" him and it felt unfair, I didn't own him. But I liked him a lot and felt very attached to him. He had asked me out to see a certain movie and he planned on coming to my city for a week, but that no longer seemed to be on the horizon (he said it would be December at the soonest) given all the things he wanted to do (lose weight, attend more classes, do the 90 meetings in 90 days in AA, complete the writing project), and so we chatted less and less.

And then the disaster happened. I won't give any details because I don't want to turn this into a pity party, but a major natural disaster ravaged the region, and we were pretty badly hit. I sought him out for comfort, and he in turn was supportive towards me. He seemed to really want to help, but realistically there was nothing I could ask him to do.

I lost my Internet, and we no longer chatted regularly. Then I learned to tether my mobile phone and logged on more, but he would no longer go online at the "regular" times, unless we set up a time to chat. But even when we set up a time to chat, and I would be late for a few minutes because I had trouble connecting or grabbed a bite before logging on, he would not wait for me like he used to, now that I didn't have a constant connection. One time, just to prove my hunch, I was online right on the dot and stayed invisible. He was late, stayed online for 3 minutes, and left without leaving an offline message or e-mail. I felt him growing cold. Maybe he lost interest. Maybe there was someone else. He did say there was a woman he liked who he wanted to be his sponsor, but according to AA rules it had to be another man. I asked him to tell me if something was up. He said the only thing that had changed was his schedule, that he couldn't keep up the same hours he used to, and that it would be the same if he went back to work.

A month after the disaster, I was grasping at straws, I couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote him a longish e-mail explaining why I was acting strange, that I felt that I was losing him, that I felt confused and may have feelings for him, that I missed him, and lighter times. I said that I had to lay low for a while, and maybe later on I would be back to my rational self and be happy for him and the new developments in his life. I told him he didn't have to reply. Well, he did reply and say that he could go online at 9:00am his time the next day. So I went online and waited. And waited. And waited. An hour later, he was still not online, so I fired off a line about how it was getting ridiculous. He e-mailed back and apologized for forgetting, noted that I seemed mad, and said that since I kept late hours, he thought he might still catch me. I said that it was just that after I had sent that embarrassing e-mail, going online to chat with him felt like having to face the firing squad, and that when he didn't show up, I felt like an idiot, but that I meant it that he didn't have to reply. (I partly wished he wouldn't, as I wanted it to be a swan song of sorts.) He sent a couple of e-mails a few days apart, pretending to work on a response, and when the actual "response" came (a one-word text file) I wondered if he was just dicking me around or if it was part of a running gag between us (him building up something which ends up being nothing, applied to jokes, anecdotes, faux documents). However, I was too sore about previous events that I didn't dignify it with a response until two weeks later, just one line. He asked me how a trip I took was. I replied with just information about the trip and nothing more. Since then, silence.

It hurts so much.

I know, I know, I know, it was a stupid thing to do and this only means he doesn't feel the same, and he has offered no reassurance. I can't seem to get it into my head that even though he once indicated he wanted to be more than friends, he no longer feels the same way.

I can't stop thinking about him. Why am I so attracted to his words? It feels like an addiction, and I'm experiencing withdrawal. But I know that even I got what I wanted, it would still be unhealthy, that continuing to chat with him would be an incredibly bad idea for both of us. I know I need to stay away. Yet I do still want to be friends with this man. I still value his insights and opinions, and I like him a lot as a person regardless of all that has happened.

How do I deal with my feelings for him?
How do I make it hurt less?
Most importantly, how can I save our friendship?

I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do.

How does your comfort level in relationships show?

hollygirl — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 19:46:28 -0800

This is REALLY not about the toilet seat...or is it?!? Men, I need your advice!! Women, there is a question inside for you too! Help! My wonderful boyfriend of 2+ years has ALWAYS been considerate and has put the toilet seat down when he is done. I've never asked him to do this; he just did, which I really appreciated and expressed to him in the past.

We are very close. Have a solid relationship and have learned to adjust to each other.

Here is the weird part: All of the sudden, out of nowhere, he starts leaving the toilet seat up. All. The. Time. I've fallen in. I've shrieked in the middle of the night. I've asked nicely. It still stays up. AND AFTER TWO YEARS OF ALWAYS PUTTING IT DOWN!!!!!!

I've always believed that a change in behavior signifies something....I'm just not sure what in this case!

So I asked him about it in a relaxed, "Hey honey, I've always appreciated how you've been so thoughtful about this. Can you please make the effort again?" kinda way.

His response is that he is now comfortable with me to a degee that he was not before. I appreciate this and I want him to feel comfortable, but to me I feel like I'm being taken for granted. (GF has been around 2 years...no longer need to make the effort. That's how I see it.)

This issue of asking him to try and he saying he will and then doesn't has been going on for over two months now.

FWIW, I've been wanting to get married. He is completely committed to me but needs small steps to get there so part of me thinks that there is truth to his new level of comfort...and he DOES act as if he is more comfortable too. He is 43; I am 38.

My questions: Men, I want to know from you: is this REALLY an issue of comfort? Do men really get to a plateau that is truly indicitive of a level of comfort--that shows in an overt way?? Is this a passive-aggressive way to piss me off (ha ha)? For women: When do my feelings factor in? How do you factor comfort with the courtesies of keeping a relationship alive? And yes... I even told him I'd be willing to leave the seat up for him when I was done.

I HAVE seen all the other posts about the toilet seat, but my question is really one of reaching comfort levels in relationships without turning in to roommates....this just happens to be coming through in way of a plastic toilet seat.

Any advice and personal experience will be most helpful. Thanks everyone!

Do I warn a friend that her new boyfriend was my date rapist?

honeybee413 — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:09:27 -0800

Three years ago, I was date-raped by my then-boyfriend. Some of our mutual friends know, some don't. I just found out that a friend in the know is trying to set up another friend's sister with my rapist. What, if anything, should I do? (Apologies for the lengthy description that follows...) Almost three years ago to the day, I was dating a guy I had been friends with for years. We had agreed to take the physical component of our relationship slowly; the issue was discussed extensively. We went to a party together and both had a little too much to drink, were sober-driven back to his place, where he raped me.

I was not on contraceptives at the time, and ended up pregnant. I planned to terminate, but miscarried before that happened. Didn't break up with him until that point, either. I was ashamed of what had happened to me (very typical "this was my fault for not having control over the situation" guilt). I broke up with him after the miscarriage, and there was a discussion of what happened that night (which I called rape, but which he flatly denied... whatever, no still means no). I didn't press charges because I didn't want to ruin his life.

The whole thing was deeply traumatic for me. I'm fine now, went through therapy, didn't date for a very long time. I got through it in large part because I have a phenomenal network of friends, and I was fortunate enough to be able to move hundreds of miles away a few months after. We share a lot of friends. Some of them know what happened (i.e. the friends that were more mine than his), but most of them don't. I'd prefer to keep it that way if possible.

Flash forward to tonight, three years later, when two of those mutual friends are getting married. Neither of these friends know what happened. I stayed sober at the reception because a) I want to keep it that way, b) I don't want to ruin my friends' day, and c) I don't make a habit of putting myself in potentially unsafe situations. It's enough for me to deal with that he's going to be there in the first place.

I found out later that my best friend, and one of the only people I've told, is setting up the bride's friend with my rapist. I am (obviously and hopefully, understandably) alarmed at this prospect, as I would never think to set up a friend with a person that I knew to have a predatory past.

I don't know if I'm missing something here. I haven't talked to him since I ended it. I don't know if he's changed - he's never expressed any remorse over the situation to anyone that I know of. When I knew him, he had a temper that flared when he was intoxicated, and which had lasting consequences for me. I would hate to have it happen to another girl if I knew that I could prevent it.

Should confront my friend about the set-up? Should I go to the bride's sister (who I am acquainted with) and tell her what happened to me? Should I just casually warn her off? Or should I just say that the situation is none of my business, since I don't really know him anymore?

But what's it there for? Do you actually sleep on it?

lunalaguna — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:37:30 -0800

Little known facts about men My boyfriend was shocked (shocked!) recently when I told him that many women's bathrooms have couches or chairs in them. I was surprised no one had ever told him this before, or that he'd never been in a women's bathroom. (I've had jobs where I've cleaned men's bathrooms, so that world is no secret to me.)

It got me wondering whether there are certain facts about men or common experiences they have that I'm totally unaware of as a woman. Guys, are there things you encounter pretty regularly that a women would know nothing about? Girls, have you ever learned something about men that's both common and surprising?