Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and work

Help me make specific suggestions to someone who needs to become more proactive and collaborative, and less reactive and emotional.

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:21:50 -0800

Help me make specific suggestions to someone who needs to become more proactive and collaborative, and less reactive and emotional. My girlfriend (who I live with) and I have recently had some major friction around what I perceive to be her less than proactive, largely passive approach to our relationship. She's a very quiet person who lacks confidence in herself (socially and otherwise) despite the fact that she's bright and accomplished (PhD, good publications, etc.). This might sound like an awful thing to say, but in my opinion she hasn't exactly "grown up" and taken on full responsibility for the direction of her life. We've recently had discussions about how she can be more proactive about raising issues in our relationship (versus just getting angry) and suggesting solutions in a collaborative way when issues do arise. We both acknowledge that I'm usually the one to offer solutions.

Yesterday she was informed by her employer that she was not meeting expectations and that she can either accept a demotion or leave the company. Thinking about it objective (as much as I can, of course), I think that it's a strong possibility that some of her behaviors that are negatively affecting our relationship might also have affected her prospects at work. Specifically, she can be quite emotional, non-collaborative, and critical (in a non-constructive way). Her manager confirmed that she wasn't taking enough initiative to drive projects at work.

She is having a very difficult time understanding why her colleagues have perceived her as having shortcomings. I am in the delicate position of trying to be as supportive as possible to her, but also wanting her to recognize this as an opportunity (wake up call?) to work on some serious issues that are impeding her growth in multiple areas of life. We discussed it, and I think that she took it well.

The question that I have is whether anyone has suggestions for dealing with these issues. I've suggested she investigate therapy as a potential avenue, but this sort of problem does not seem very clearly defined (versus, say "depression") and I wonder if therapy can help her with this. On the other hand, I don't want to leave it all up to her, because I think that (like most of us) she clearly doesn't recognize how people see her. The bottom line is that I'd like to make concrete suggestions to her for avenues that she can investigate to address these issues. Her simply saying "I'll be more proactive", without a plan, probably isn't going to inspire confidence at this point.

Whether our relationship works out or not, I still care for her and want her to be successful. I think these issues are really holding her back, and she's young enough (29) to address them before they become a serious impediment to her life.

Thanks very much for any advice.

Dealing with lunatics at work 101

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:19:00 -0800

A co-worker rants and raves constantly and I'm getting sick of it. What to do? I'm a 30 year old male. There's a 25 year old female co-worker who I seem to be having a personality conflict with, and I'm not sure how to resolve it.

We're both attorneys. I've been here for a year and a half, and she was admitted to the bar this past August. Since this woman has become an attorney at the firm (she was previously a law clerk), she sees fit to go off on tirades about how something is stupid or how she doesn't agree with something. I seem to be the target of these attacks more often than others.

Last week, a group of us were having lunch, and there was much joking. I'm from an Eastern culture, and often make fun of myself and my countrymen. Well, I made a joking comment in the course of the conversation and she went off.

She handles the workflow for personal injury cases at the firm, and so whenever I have a PI matter, I go to her to have the proper groundwork laid out. She is now saying that I can handle my own cases and that she won't help me. This is fine from a practical standpoint, but I feel a bit put out.

I did apologize to her for offending her with my remarks, but all she said was, "It's not just your 'jokes'". That's led me to avoid her, so I haven't eaten lunch with my co-workers in a few days now.

How should I address this issue? Thinking back, I don't feel like I'm responsible for her sensitivity and I have already apologized. Should I just say screw off and find other lunch plans or should I try to ingratiate myself to her?

Foot Met Mouth--Now What?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:25:28 -0800

Re: Work Interview Etiquette. I messed up bad. I don't know what to do or if I should do anything. The scenario (names will be changed): I work on a fed govt installation, the nature of internal jobs is a little different than in the private sector. Got notice of an interview for a job (not one I really wanted since I just got a new job, but I decided to go to the interview just for kicks). I checked with someone--an older lady from an old job who worked in a related field--about what I could expect. She called me and told me the job was essentially a dead-end job, she knew the person who had the now vacant job and that person hated it and was so grateful to FINALLY (after SEVEN years!) get out. She also told me she knew the guy doing the interview, but didn't really say anything derogatory about him. Great, so after learning that, I pretty much knew I didn't want it and wouldn't accept it even if it was offered.

Fast-forward to the interview today. The guy is really dry and in my trying-to-be-perky way, I start to ramble, when he asks me if I have any questions about the job. WHY DID I TAKE THIS BAIT??? *Hitting self in head* So for WHATEVER reason, I say something like, "I would like to know about the promotion potential of the job. I did some reasearch on it--spoke with someone I used to work with in a related field, you may know her "Sally"--and I learned that this particular job is not necessarily upwardly mobile. EEK! I'm sorry, I don't know if that was an appropriate question, but I was wondering about the promotion potential of the job..." He smiles and says something like "Yes, I do know Sally. No, that's a great question, I'm impressed you researched it, this job actually does have promotion potential, blah, blah, blah." He basically b.s.-ed through the rest of it, but it didn't matter. By that time, I felt soo small and the embarazzment has only sunk in more in the hours since. To add to the horror, I told my beau about it, and he was like "What the hell? I wish I could make it sound less horrible, but no, you're right, you f-ed up. Wow. You DON'T name drop!"

So yeah, I feel horrible. There is a good chance this might get back to "Sally" and that would be heartbreaking for me because she's been nothing but kind to me and I valued her friendship, one of the few relationships I actually cared about at work. So I don't know what to do. Pre-empt the interview guy and just tell her what happened, emphasizing that my calling her name was more out of my trying to fill dead air and look for common ground with the interviewer and really, really nothing more? Or do I just leave it alone and HOPE TO GOD dude doesn't say anything and the whole ordeal disseminates into thin air?

What say you?

Help me get my new co-workers to like my introverted, hard working self.

Effigy2000 — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:19:28 -0800

Just started a new job. I want these people to like me. Other than working hard, what's the best way for an introverted person like me to make a good impression with my new co-workers? I'm not a social animal. I don't really like going out for drinks after work and because I'm generally a quiet, reserved kind of guy, I don't tend to be the extroverted type who is able to easily make friends by being the life of the party. I'm really very much an introvert who is slightly extroverted around those people he really knows. I'm also told I'm a pretty friendly guy, easy to work with, albeit a bit quiet.

What I am, however, is good at what I do for a living. I've worked in this field for three years now and despite some issues with a previous boss (issues that can basically be boiled down to a personality conflict between us), I've had nothing but good things said about me and my work.

The thing is, in the work-culture I operate in, it's almost expected that you be a social animal. But I'm simply not such a creature. People in my line of work who like me tend to be people who recognise that I'm great at my job and that I work hard while I'm at work and then switch off and relax when it's time to go home.

My new job is essentially my old job in a whole new office with all new people. I won't say what it is that I do exactly, but sufficed to say it's an office job and slightly high-profile.

This new job is a chance to cast off the impressions people held of me back in my old office, primarily because no-one there really knows me since, as I say, it's an entirely new office. So I want people to like me. How can I be the social animal people will want me to be (or at least give that impression) so as to ensure that as many of my new colleagues like me, despite myself?

Help us get along better!

trillian — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 06:40:46 -0800

How can we create more unity among departments at work? Since last summer I've been working at a medium-sized nonprofit made up of three departments/groups. There isn't much unity among them; it's often an "us" and "them" mentality. This is strengthened by the fact that we dress differently, too -- my department wears business casual, another department usually wears uniform shirts with our logo, and the third group usually wears scrubs. Each group usually keeps to themselves, and sometimes there is even hostility between groups. I'm not a supervisor or manager, but I was wondering what can be done and how I can help. A fun competition among staff, made up of mixed groups? A staff newsletter? (Communication isn't always the best here.) Something else? To complicate things, our sole HR person was recently fired (or quit -- we're not sure). Anything we can do on a limited or nonexistent budget?

Figuring out the coldness

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 11:49:17 -0800

Has someone ever treated you coldly as a way to suppress feelings for you? A female who I work with seems to occasionally act cold towards me and for a while I could not understand why. Lately though I have been suspecting it happens because she has feelings for me and this is her way of preventing it from developing further. Without getting into too many details, because of the company we work for and because of how closely we work together, it would mostly likely cause problems if a relationship did develop. We have never been anything but friendly, but in some ways would be very compatible. Also, it's infrequent, but a few times I have noticed her eyes subtly glancing at me the way someone does when they are checking someone out.

Why don't you talk about your girlfriend?

bibliophibianj — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:32:56 -0800

I've been working with this guy for 3 months, and we've gotten on really well the whole time. Today he casually brought up his girlfriend for the first time. Why hasn't he mentioned her before? We only work together twice a week, but are quite flirty when we do. I was never sure if it was recreational or flirting-with-intention, but we've gone out for drinks a couple of times, and we're going to an out-of-town concert this weekend. (It was one we'd each planned to go to anyway.) He brings up his friends (who I've not met) in most of our conversations, and has also mentioned ex-girlfriends. In short, we are friends. I am completely bewildered as to why he wouldn't have mentioned having a girlfriend in the 3 months we've been friends. Does he compartmentalize his life? Does he think of this as exceptionally personal information? Does he assume I already knew? Is it a new relationship? Did it suddenly become more relevant? The intensity of flirting on either side was pretty average today.

Full disclosure: I am in my early twenties and pretty awkward when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex, even if they're just friends. (Yes, I am an Overanalyzer.) Is it silly to think this is strange? My thinking is, if someone is a significant part of your life, that person will naturally come up in conversation.

How to climb up the ranks?

heartofglass — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 02:21:41 -0800

How do I develop a professional relationship with a senior executive in the business in order to move up the ranks? Asked on behalf of a friend...

---

I work at a media company, which used to be a small business until a few months ago, when we were acquired by an industry giant. My department is now adjusting itself to the post-acquisition set up and I have been there myself for about 4 years. I started that job as a foot on the door in an industry where you can only really start by making tea...

However, my sector is made up of a bunch of really sexist, prejudiced people who don't really make me feel at ease (all men environment, but I am a guy too) , plus a boss who almost never recognizes the hard work I put in or my potential. Fact is, my qualifications mean that I could be doing a much better paid and more interesting job within the larger group. Perhaps is worth mentioning that my dept has a huge turnover, mainly due to the fact that people are underpaid, the work (technical jobs) is not super challenging and my boss is an idiot.

Fast forward to last week. We had our staff Christmas party and just before that, I had to solve a work-related problem at the new company (I have just moved to the "new" building) and I ended up getting some help from a guy who seemed to have a lot of authority.

The funny thing was, while everyone scrambled around to do what he demanded, he was quite friendly to me and we even had a little chat at the party to follow up on the issue he helped me sort earlier that day and we chatted a bit. He told me to feel free to ask any questions or come to him if I needed help on anything.

When I asked my boss who the guy was, he said the aforementioned person is pretty high up in the business (board level) and that he is a real asshole, I didn't want to be on his bad side, that he could fire anyone he desires in a fraction of a second, etc etc. Almost as a recommendation along the lines of "you should avoid him"...

Thing is, the guy was quite nice to me. He didn't need to come up to me at the xmas party to chatter (he wasn't drunk) or even spend his time helping me with my issue. I suddenly realized that I could take this opportunity to start relating to more senior decision makers in the business and perhaps get a better position for myself.

Now, how do I go about this? How do I connect with this guy, who works in business development, to gauge ways to move up the corporate ladder? Any ideas appreciated. Thanks!

Getting credit for your ideas / combating someone who steals/takes credit for them

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:48:57 -0800

Do you know any effective strategies for getting credit for your ideas and work? One of my coworkers (a gentleman my senior by 20+ years who was recently quietly demoted below me because his lack of vision and tech skills) is regularly taking credit for my ideas at work and outside of work among industry leaders. What's worse, is he's much more well-connected than me in the industry we work in (it's a small world) and it appears he has been telling stories about all the great work and ideas 'he' is coming up with. Also, multiple times now I've had people approach me and ask me what it's like 'working for him.' ... He's been telling people that I'm his employee.

I'm pretty introverted, humble and was raised to respect your elders. I really don't feel comfortable bragging about my work. And I'm not trying to get someone fired or embarrass them but I'm starting to get frustrated and I'd like to get some recognition for my ideas. It seems at a time like this -- when heads are rolling left and right from layoffs in our industry -- it's especially important to make your worth known at your company and at potential employers. (I'm more concerned about the latter.)

I've asked him gently to give me proper credit on projects twice now and he's agreed and been very cordial when we talk about it, but he continues to 'forget' to share or give credit. What's worse, is I've tried to lead by example and every opportunity I've had, I try to promote other coworker's work (including his) to my superiors and when I can, publicly in the industry. I kinda hoped the good faith effort would eventually come back to me and this guy would be respectable and fess up, but it just doesn't seem to be happening.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with someone like this and how to get credit for your work and ideas, without being a self-promoting jerk?

Unwelcome flashbacks

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:10:58 -0800

My past experiences are coloring my perception of the present, my personal life is crashing into my professional life, help me make it stop. Things are changing for me at work. I'm moving to a position that's a much better fit for my skills and interests. I'm in academia, so things like this don't happen often. It's awesome, and I'm grateful.

However, it's causing some anxiety and hurt feelings in the area I'm leaving, particularly with my immediate supervisor, who, along with his wife and children, have been close personal friends of mine. I expected some of this reaction from him, mostly because from his perspective, the change came out of the blue, and he feels that more notice would have been better, particularly given our friendship. I'm willing to take responsibility for the choices I made in that regard.

The problem is this: his obvious and oft-stated disappointment/anger/hurt feelings are taking a form which is eerily evocative of behaviors and attitudes belonging to a long-ago (more than 10 years) ex who was often emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. This makes my reactions and emotions respond at a level completely out of whack with the actual situation. Yes, it's stressful and sad, but no, I don't need to find a place to hide, or pack a "just in case" bag to be ready to flee when he approaches.

Now I've started having dreams where I'm in unhappy past places and situations, but he's taking the place of my ex who was really there. I have to consciously remind myself at work that all he's done is yell and say some unkind things, that he hasn't actually, and wouldn't ever, hit me. This seems ridiculous. I'm starting to feel like a tv movie Vietnam vet, leaping behind couches when a car backfires outside.

He doesn't know about the ex, and now is not the time to tell him. (Before all this happened, I would have been perfectly comfortable telling him about it, there just wasn't ever any reason to. I've had therapy, moved past it, gotten support, had subsequent healthy relationships, so, it's just not something that tends to come up in everyday conversation.)

My question is, how do I deal in the short term, since we'll be sharing office space for at least a few weeks longer, what's the best way to cope should additional confrontations arise (again, this is academia, drama tends to run higher than it did in non-academic jobs I've had, so confrontation is decently likely), and, is there anything I can do in the long term to more or less "unlearn" this association between my ex and this guy so I can have some hope of rebuilding the friendship?

Thanks, AskMe. You've always handled my non-anonyme questions so well, I have high hopes you'll be able to help me fix this, too. If I've been unclear, email followup to HeIsNotMyEx@gmail.com.

Why do I annoy people?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 08:45:42 -0800

I seem to annoy a lot of people. I don't mean to, it just happens. What can I do to become less annoying? I try to be a nice guy. I go out of my way to be nice to folks, but I inevitably annoy people.

For example, at work, I asked a girl if she was on a certain project and she just blew up at me. I tried to apologize, but she said I'm not sorry because I always do what I did to annoy her.

I can think of a couple of things that may be causing this:
1. I have an immature sense of humor: I try to keep this to myself and to a few firends, but it ends up slipping out here and there.

2. I try to please most people: I think this is a good thing, but perhaps people find this annoying.

I know some people here might need more explanation from me, so I set up a throwaway e-mail: annoyingtheworld@gmail.com

Thanks!

How to split the baby

A Terrible Llama — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 07:14:28 -0800

I'm looking for thoughts on how to split up baby care between partners during maternity leave. Mr. LLama and I just had a beautiful baby girl by c section last week. After a nightmarish week of attempted breastfeeding, we've gone with formula. This has worked out nicely (even though it was a source of sadness for me initially) because we've gotten a routine split in baby care going.

However, next week Mr. LLama returns to work at the Llamatorium. What are some ways people have split up childcare once Dad returns to work and Mom goes into poop patrol full time?

The equality in the split we have now is nice, but Mr. LLama has to wake up at 4:30 to go to work and we can't put him in a chronically sleep deprived position because of the toll that takes on a relationship. I'll be able to nap and he won't.

Ideally, I'd like plan that has me and the baby up at 4:30 too (even if I'm awake but the baby isn't--that sleep when the baby sleeps thing seems impossible to me.)

She's not a difficult baby so far--she's not a screamer--but she is up 2 or 3 or 4 times a night. She sleeps in her crib in our room. We were going to do a family bed but I haven't felt safe because I can't roll over or lie on my side easily because of the incision. The crib in the room seems to be working well.

I looked at the previous threads and found some good ideas but no thread specifically dedicated to this.

Dating a Coworker

downing street memo — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:05:07 -0800

I've come to the realization that I'm head-over-heels crazy about a co-worker. A little background: I'm 23, male, recently out of school, and this is my first "professional" job. Over the past few months, I've begun to have strong feelings for a girl at work.

To be honest, I'm awful at the whole dating thing. Terrible. So what would be a tough situation for me anyway is made even tougher by the fact that we work together. And she isn't "Susie from Accounting" - we work on the same team, sit in the same cluster of cubes, report to the same person, and have the same title.

I want to date this girl, but I don't even know where to begin, or if I should begin in the first place. I'm concerned that asking her out would be taken as inappropriate or misunderstood as a friendship gesture (we're pretty close at work, but have never hung out outside of work); I worry that if we were to actually date that it'd be against the rules (it's a gossipy place, she's the only single woman my age, and people would put 2 and 2 together if I asked about the policy).

Judging by the way she acts, I think my feelings are at least somewhat reciprocated, but again, I'm terrible at this. I could just as easily be wrong.

So basically, my question is this: is there a way for me to jump this hurdle while minimizing the risk of her being offended or misunderstanding my intentions?

They're just not that into me...yet

freya_lamb — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:48:32 -0800

How do I say 'Thanks, no really!' after an unsuccessful job interview, without looking like the needy girl whose long-time crush has blown her out after one date? Three weeks ago I had an interview for a senior media position at a museum I really love. I've only been working in the sector for a year and I knew I wasn't a strong candidate for it but as it was such a one-off I did the application anyhow so I wouldn't regret NOT going for it. I was amazed and thrilled to get an interview, but then pretty much nobbled my chances through paranoia and over-thinking. I did loads of research but flaked out on getting my portfolio up-to-scratch because I knew I didn't have the kind of stuff they wanted to see. I was jumpy and star-struck during the interview and so convinced that I was punching way above my weight that I was nowhere near my usual organised, professional, 'I'm SO the gal for this post and here's WHY!' self in that situation. So I was disappointed, but not surprised when I got the HR email today saying I'd been unsuccessful.

But good stuff came of it. I was really inspired by the interviewer and got confirmation on the kind of work I'd love to be doing. I had a good hard look at my current skill set, and where I need to do some development. I've since been reading up on the field, trying things out in my current job, and I've booked onto a course to brush up on skills. I'm feeling really excited and motivated about next steps. I'd like to think that in a year or so I'd be up-to-speed and ready to go in that sort of role. I'm worried though that I've burnt my bridges there, and that this will overshadow my application for any future job to which I might be better suited.

I'm going to take their HR person up on the offer of feedback, but I'd also like to write a short email directly to the interviewer along the lines of 'thank you for seeing me, I realised I wasn't right for the job but it really inspired me to work on my skills, all the best for the new team, etc'. However, because I didn't even get a second interview, I'm a bit worried that this will seem gushy/sucky or arrogant, or (possibly worse) like a cookie-cutter response. I do genuinely mean it though, and I think I could be a good employee for the organisation at some point in the future, so the last thing I want to do is annoy them/him.

So, hive mind, any ideas on how to approach this/what to say? Feel free to mail if personal anecdotes are too toe-curling to reveal in public!

How do I deal with my boyfriend's insane work schedule?

lxs — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 07:52:21 -0800

How can I deal with the fact that my boyfriend is never around? My boyfriend recently came into a lot of work and doesn't get home until late at night most days, with only an occasional day or two off. We have been dating for several years and have always spent a lot of time together. While it doesn't seem like it's going to be like this every single day for forever, it does sound like he's going to have periods with this amount of work on and off for most of the foreseeable future. He loves his work and so I know that I should be happy for him, but I just find myself feeling jealous of his work and his coworkers and wondering why he is alright seeing me literally only a few hours per week. I feel like if I could just come to terms with this jealousy and the resulting anxiety, I could do what everyone suggests, and pick up a hobby, hang out more with the (admittedly few) friends I have, etc., but I just sit around pouting and feeling hurt. Really, I just miss him a lot. FWIW, we do live together. Any suggestions for maintaining a relationship when one member works a whole lot?

Can I be friends with husband's team's spouses?

seekingsimplicity — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 10:54:17 -0800

Is it possible for the wife of a CEO (me) to be good friends with the wives of my husband's management team spouses? We socialize a few times per year and I always sort of feel guarded with them. I like many of them a lot and would like them as friends. Part of me sees it as not a good idea though? Would it compromise my husbands relationships at work? Might there be trust and confidentiality issues? Maybe it is just about how close I get to them? Keeping boundaries as far as what we talk about? Staying away from talk about the company? Would I be able to share important things going on in my life or will it become company gossip---and spread like wildfire? Anyone here have experience with this?

Getting over a coworker

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 18:51:41 -0800

How do you get over someone you work with? About three months ago, I dated a coworker for a couple of weeks. At the time, I was emotionally vulnerable - the dual heartbreak of the recent dissolution of my first serious relationship and being dumped by my best friend of five years, plus living in a new city and lacking reliable friendships. The thing with the coworker was brief but intense, and though I warned him of the state I was in, he assured me that was fine, that he was crazy about me and wanted to see this through, and so forth - and I fell pretty hard. Then his ex-girlfriend of five years returned from the Peace Corps to visit him, and suddenly he was all confused. After two months of indecisiveness, he resolved that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now, and wants to focus on his own self.

He of course has the right to do whatever's in his own best interest, and we dated so briefly that rationally, resentment on my part would be ridiculous. But given the circumstances, it's been really difficult for me to move on when I have to see and interact with him every day, especially given how much easier all this seems for him. He's a much more rational, happy person anyway, with varied friends and varied interests. He has worked at our (very small) office much longer than I have, and everyone loves him; I have trouble making friends and felt lonely and left out of the social circle at work to begin with, and now even more so (none of our coworkers know what happened.).

I am fairly certain at this point that even had there been no ex-girlfriend, we would have been incompatible, given how much more I had at stake and our relative importance in each other's lives. But all of this is bringing out aspects of myself that I hate - insecurity, resentment over someone else's happiness, obsessiveness, clinginess, repeated requests for "talks." (I am so ashamed.) He's a nice guy and wants to be friends, and I would like to be friends, too, but I feel completely unable to gain the necessary perspective when I'm reminded of this very painful time in my life every single day.

So, how do I get past this? Quitting my job is unfortunately not an option - it's my dream job, in my dream location, and similar positions in this field are very hard to come by. I'm in the bay area, female, and probably too old for this (mid-20's).

cultivating je ne sais quoi

raisons de coeur — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 01:01:22 -0800

Is it possible to create a descriptor of 'star performers' that's not tied to contextual skillset requirements? The only common traits I've identified among people in completely different fields who've rather impressed me are [a] gets along with others effortlessly [b] gets things taken care of without making a fuss (again, the appearance of effortlessness). Are there more? Think of "that guy/gal" from your past experience and describe them to me, the more details the better. Thanks.

Help me survive an appraisal at work

slimeline — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 03:06:54 -0800

Tomorrow I have my annual appraisal with the deputy head of the department at the Uni. where I work. This is not my first time, as I been in this job for several years, but this time I am looking for advice on how to make this into a meaningful and useful meeting instead of the usual box-ticking exercise. Also, what is the best way to answer the standard questions they ask such as: "What were your most significant achievements since the last interview?" Other questions I have to answer ahead of the meeting are: "What aspect of the job gave you the most satisfaction since the last interview?" and "What has caused you most difficulty?"
My main problem is that I know from past experience that whatever is said in the appraisal has very little effect on the year ahead, all these targets and objectives seem very meaningless to me at the moment. So it is hard to shake off a cynical and negative approach to the whole thing, but at the same time I definitely don't want to come across in the appraisal as someone negative and uncooperative. So how can I muster a positive outlook and make the most of the opportunity?
Thanks fellow appraisees / appraisers. Yours truly, Slimeline

How can I convince distant co-worker her to take a leap of faith on me?

jkl345 — Sun, 13 May 2007 21:58:18 -0800

I normally don’t date co-workers. But I've recently became smitten with a distant co-worker. We've become great friends in the past month and I asked her out tonight. ... but I received a mixed response. (See full post for the whole background) What should I read into her reaction? How can I convince her to take a leap of faith and just try it out? And/or what should I do next, if anything? I normally don’t date co-workers.

But recently, I’ve become very friendly with a female working at my job. We’d been distant friends through friends for about a year and recently over the last month have been hanging out more and more. We now talk almost daily. Joke around. Go out (in groups and sometimes solo) and have a great time. And I thought we were really connecting. I’m smitten with her.

TONIGHT’S MAIN ATTRACTION:
So tonight I asked her out… Like out on a formal date.

At first she cracked a big smile and said yes. Then paused and said she was concerned about the dating work people thing … and then there was a long awkward pause and smiles… so I said, “Well, no pressure, think about it and we’ll talk.” We smiled and she agreed to that and leaves for the night.

20 minutes later, she calls me and everything’s great and jovial on the phone. She tells me how she digs me, my worldview, hanging out, my friendship, etc.. “This is awesome,” I’m thinking. Then she says she doesn’t want things to go bad at work, so we shouldn’t date. She said she didn’t want to give me the b.s. ‘lets be friends’ line… because she likes me and wants to get to know me better, but she wasn’t sure what to do. The only thing she was sure about was that she didn’t want things to progress and then end and get awkward at work.

THE WORK SITUATION:
We work in totally different departments. We report to different bosses in different sections of building. Our paychecks are printed in the same building and in my few years working here, I’ve only worked on a project that she was involved with 3 times.

I know it’s generally not a good thing to date co-workers but I think we have distance that could fix a lot of the problems that occur when co-workers in cubicles next to each other date.

I have known many people that have worked this out responsibly by acknowledging the work-relationship hurdle. In fact, in the business I’m in (journalism) MOST of the people (including the leaders of our paper) are married to others in the organization or at competing organizations. It’s weird. Journalists tend to only be able to date other journalists (because of the horrible hours/personal values/job demands/etc.).

HELP!
What should I read into her reaction? How can I convince her to take a leap of faith and just try it out? And/or what should I do next, if anything?

Part of me says, “It sounds like she’d like to try, but you’ve got to fight for her.” She’s kinda cynical and I love her for that. So I think she’s just shutting it down before things have a chance. I know she wants a bold, assertive guy. And I’m normally the kind of guy that’s close friends/crushes on a girl for a while until it develops into a relationship. (My last two relationships were like that.) This time was different, because we connected so well and so fast … I told myself to just step up and lay it out there. And here we are.

Another part of me says this is just an easy way out for her to say no (instead of her saying I’m too old/young/ugly/stupid/whatever).

Any help/anecdotes/advice on what to do or how to date someone you work with are greatly appreciated!

Coping with a relationship with a workaholic?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Jan 2007 08:52:09 -0800

Coping with a relationship with a workaholic? I'm dating a very successful man who has a very demanding and stressful job. It is hard for me to relate because my jobs have always been 9-5 and I've also never dated someone who worked so much and had so many obligations (he is also a parent).

My guy isn't actually a workaholic...but his job demands crazy, unpredictable hours so he might as well be one. He is wonderful, but it is still really hard for me to feel like I'm not his first priority, and that's because I'm not.

This takes some getting used to. Besides for the fact that I really love this guy and want to make this work, I'm hoping this can be a growing experience for me. However, I'm naturally needy (something I'm working on), and it's really hard for me. I'm treading a fine line between telling him my needs and feeling guilty because I should be an "easy" girlfriend who doesn't add to his stress.

Anyone here successfully dealt with being in a relationship with a doctor/lawyer/business owner? How do you deal with it? Any tips for making it work?

work related abuse

cvoixjames — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 12:31:27 -0800

work related question. A co-worker I work with very closely threatened my verbally and physically, claiming I was doing a poor job. I reported to my supervisor, and said co-worker denies it. What should I do (other than quitting, but I like the job) I have been there 3 years and this came out of the blue. I feel now I have to resign. Suggestions?

How do I help our relationship thrive when my partner is busy until Election Day?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 13:55:54 -0800

What are some good strategies and resources for deepening a nascent romantic relationship when your partner is in a two-month pre-election frenzy of activity? My partner and I began dating about a month ago, and we have enjoyed a rapid expansion of intimacy and grown accustomed to spending a great deal of time together. I find the relationship very satisfying and look forward to learning more about him. However, because of his political activities, we are facing a couple of months of very limited time to spend together. I am specifically interested in hearing from people who have experience being in a relationship with someone who is campaigning as well as people who have been in my partner's situation (trying to balance a relationship with extensive political involvement).

At this time, we are avoiding my becoming extensively involved in his projects in order to allow the relationship to develop more naturally, although I do accompany him to events and fundraisers as appropriate. While these activities do provide an opportunity to be with him, they are substantially different in nature from our more unmediated interactions. We will see each other every day, as a rule, but generally very late and with multiple distractions. I want to find ways to make this time productive for us as individuals and for our relationship as well. So, here are a few questions to get the advice mill working.

Besides the loss of time together, are there any other areas of potential hardship that I should be watching for--for him or for me?

What are some non-demanding and helpful ways of showing support?

Are there relationship-themed books, biographies, or other texts that might particularly speak to this situation?

What are some strategies for both providing a sounding board for your partner's professional preoccupations and also building a safe place for him or her to reconnect to regular life?

How have election outcomes, good or bad, impacted your romantic relationships?

What is the best advice you have ever received on this topic? (And when I say best, I should say that swearing off sex during campaigning is not on the radar, so if you must suggest that, know that I will not take it :-).)

I know that many of these questions are highly dependant on the individual, but I appreciate hearing others' experiences and advice and building a broader and deeper understanding of what this relationship might entail. If you prefer to contact me via email, please contact partisandating [at] gmail dot com.

Conflict at work, how to handle it

finitejest — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 07:08:16 -0800

I work as a graphic designer for a small retail production company in a very rural area. We're a very tech-centric company with about 10 employees, and 4 core players: myself, two other managers and the owner. All of us are from the city, and the owner, one of the managers and myself have been friends since before I came to work for the company (I'm closer friends with the other manager than I am with my boss, but we all met online)... Here's the rub: My boss has a temper that's quick and short. He'll frequently blow up at people, sometimes about things that aren't their fault, sometimes making for some pretty bad arguments. But its all over pretty quick and then he's ready to be buddies again.

We have continual problems with hiring and keeping qualified employees, which creates problems because if we had good people we'd be set for strong growth. As a result, we're usually overworked, understaffed and definitely underpaid.

Tensions have been getting worse over the last few months - between myself and my boss and myself and my friend.

I have a strong loyalty to these people, which makes it hard for me to go somewhere else until I'm so miserable here that I can't stand it ... but I also think there's huge potential if only things would run smoothly.

My immediate question revolves around this: There are days when I get chewed on - mostly for things that are outside of my control, things that aren't my fault, or things that are my fault, but I could avoid if only I had more help.

When it happens, it puts me in an angry resentful mood, sometimes for hours, sometimes for the whole day, sometimes for longer. Especially when I have been reamed for something that I never did.

Everyone at work thinks that I need to be more like my boss - once the argument is over, I should just go back to business as usual and completely forget about it. Literally.

To me, that seems completely insane and unreasonable. I don't think its wrong to be mad at someone when they behave in an unjest manner, or to remember what they've done as its a part of the picture of who they are.

Am I wrong, or are my co-workers/boss? How can I handle the situations better without outright quitting?

Best Ways to Maintain Work/Life Balance?

mooders — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 01:06:09 -0800

AdviceFilter: I am thinking about starting a new business, but am concerned about maintaining a good work/life balance... I have a wonderful wife and a fantastic 1 year old son. I utterly adore spending as much time as possible together as a family. We are also trying currently for our second child. I currently work as a senior-ish manager for a small software house in the UK but have always harboured entrepreneurial dreams. I am finally in a position whereby making this ambition a reality is very realistic prospect, but the thing holding me back is the possibility of compromising my quality family time.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can address this? Is it as simple as basic time management, in which case which systems would you recommend?

I really don't want to be the sort of husband and father that sees his family at mealtimes and bedtimes only....