Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and trust

I am trying to trust him

Anonymous — Wed, 20 May 2009 10:31:09 -0800

Am I totally off-base regarding trust issues with my boyfriend? Advice needed. I need to know if I am putting unreasonable expectations on my boyfriend.

First some background. We have been dating for about 10 months now and we are currently living together. Things have been going well and we are trying to work through some trust issues, with some success. Essentially I feel like I am upfront and honest with him about things, and I find he can be evasive and secretive. But he is making an effort, albeit small.

Here's an example: when we first started dating, he spent a lot of time with a friend (who is same sex, as we are a gay couple).

They would go for walks, watch movies... I wanted to meet this person but there was always some reason as to why I couldn't.

I find out about a month later (after pressuring him for an answer), that this isn't just his friend, its his ex of 3 years!

I felt betrayed as he had never mentioned to me that this close friend of his was his ex -- something I feel I should have known. Unfortunately that event set the stage for some of the issues we've had in our relationship.

Last night, I found out that my boyfriend didn't graduate from high school, and is going to be graduating this Friday.

He is 26. I am happy for him but more upset that anything because he told me several times that yes, he had some problems in high school, but he went back a few years later, finished his courses and graduated.

He even wrote a speech with this info and presented it to one of his college classes. I always believed it to be true and never once questioned it.

Now I am finding out it was all a lie and I am feeling betrayed. He also didn't tell me upfront... we had to have an argument about why he wouldn't tell me what his plans were on Friday night, and after 2 hours, this came out.

Considering the issues surrounding trust that we have ... am I right to be upset (and feel betrayed)?

thanks for your advice.

I think I don’t like or trust my partner sexually any more.

Anonymous — Mon, 18 May 2009 13:05:15 -0800

I think I don’t like or trust my partner sexually any more. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? How did you manage? Long account under cut. Mid 20s, female in heterosexual relationship for five years. First couple of years, things were going great. Lots of things in common, similar thinking, intellectually compatible, even same sort of taste in food, and we were both physically attracted to each other. Lots of fun doing activities together.

We became intimate a year after we started dating. A bit of awkward fumbling initially -- I am his first, too -- but we managed, and things were pretty rosy initially. About a year later, I started to feel dissatisfied. He’d be really enthusiastic, whereas I would feel bored. Things also started to happen, such as in the middle of things he’d switch to another position, but it was really uncomfortable for me. I’d stop him, but he’d say it feels really good for him, and he’d keep trying it again subsequently, even though I repeatedly told him that I didn’t enjoy it, he said he forgot because he was too excited. Those incidents left me feeling used.

To overcome my boredom, I tried initiating things that I was interested in, but he’d try that for a few minutes and say that he didn’t feel good, or it was more physically demanding and he got tired, and we always ended up going back to the routine he prefers. I am completely insistent on safe sex, and a couple of times he tried to penetrate me without a condom, and that upset me, I put a halt on things. Our relationship was also cooling down from the initial head-over-heels part, we were both busy, so we didn’t have sex that often.

One evening he came over, we spent time together as usual, then I wanted to go to bed as I was tired. He wanted to cuddle so I let him; what I didn’t expect was for him to initiate sex even though I made it clear I just wanted to sleep. I stopped him, he sort of clung on, I felt coerced, he didn’t go all the way and left shortly after. The incident left me feeling violated and used, I just felt like a line had been crossed, and I broke down afterwards, alone. I didn’t know how to articulate why or how I felt, and didn’t confront him or talk to him about it.

That was last year; we were also both very busy, and when we weren’t I found myself planning activities, and avoiding being in situations where we might end up in bed alone together. I stopped having sex with him almost completely, although I did not have a diminished sex drive. I did consider breaking up, however, he’d always been caring, supportive, gentle and stable in other aspects of the relationship, we still enjoyed each other’s company, so I stayed with him.

Recently, a friend asked me if I would consider marrying my current BF, and I realized that I no longer felt sure about a long term relationship or future with him. I think I’ve lost interest in him sexually -- sex is important to me, but I don’t want to do it with him. I like him, but now I’m not sure if I think of him as a romantic partner or a very very close best friend.

I should mention that all the while in the background of these five years I’ve also been having identity upheavals and changes; recently, I decided to come out as bisexual, after having repressed it since my early teens. I found myself yearning to be able to discuss this coming out with him, but I realized that I no longer feel emotionally close enough to have such a conversation.

I don’t know what to do now. I like him, but I think because of past behavior I don’t trust him as a sexual partner any more, and that diminished my feelings of attraction to him. I don’t want to break up, but at the same time I find myself wanting out, just so that I could go back to dating other people again.

He’s completely not into open relationships at all or taking time-outs, so that is out of the question. It’s either monogamy or nothing. The logical solution is to talk to him about it, but I don’t know how to even start -- “I’ve been avoiding sleeping with you for a whole year because I felt violated?” I’m planning to see a therapist. But I also want to hear the hive mind’s thoughts.

How can I make her realize I'm not her ex-husband?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 08:41:37 -0800

We're trying to get back together, but she has trust issues. How to overcome these? I'm from a culture that sanctions arranged marriages, and I'm in a situation where a girl I've known and liked for a while is the one I might have a chance to marry.

I first met this girl (let's call her Jo) when she my cousin's roommate in college. We talked on IM and the phone for a while, and it was obvious she really likes me. I wasn't ready to get married at the time, and she ended up getting hitched to someone else.

Her marriage lasted for 2 months. Her husband was cruel and treated her horribly. Jo broke it off when she found out that her husband had another girl on the side and was in the process of getting engaged to that person. She was devastated and demoralized by the divorce.

In the meantime, I'd met a girl as well and I got engaged to her. I ended up getting dumped by this girl, and it broke my heart. Jo and I got back into contact and started talking.

It was as if the old chemistry was back. We would talk for hours. So, I broached the subject of marriage last year. Jo freaked out and sabotaged a potential meeting between our families. She says I'm to blame for the meeting not going forward. What happened is that her aunt called my mom and asked us to come down and meet. Jo then began acting as if she was being forced into this. Not wanting her to do anything against her will, I cancelled the trip. Jo was mad because I hadn't consulted her prior to cancelling.

Last week, I met Jo's aunt when she came to the city I live in for a wedding. The aunt really likes me and has encouraged Jo to give me another chance. Jo seems more enthusiastic about marriage this time around as well.

Still, she has some of the mistrust of men that was caused by her old marriage. Is there any way for me to help assuage her fears and make sure the marriage goes off smoothly?

If you need more info, I've set up a throwaway e-mail address. It is arrangeddude at gmail dot com.

Where to start when you start over?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 09:49:46 -0800

How do you start over, with a new love or without one? Heartfelt, soul-searching soap opera of my life and love inside. You met them (to avoid silly pronoun problems) on the internet. They made you laugh. You thought it was harmless. Both of you had other commitments, other relationships in your lives.

Neither of you intended it to go anywhere. It was just supposed to be friendship. Somehow, you tumble head-over-heels anyway. They confess to feeling the same way.

You both overcome boundaries--complicated personal relationships, huge geographical distances--to meet "IRL". You figure it has all been too good to be true online. Surely this will only lead to disappointment IRL.

But you meet. You laugh often. You revel in the conversation and lively debate. Evntually, inevitably, you make love. The sex is incredible. You have never felt so free, so independent in your life. And you feel like...yourself. No pretenses, no subterfuge. Then the two of you separate as planned, go back to your "other lives".

Being pragmatic by nature, you tell yourself that you are just infatuated, that you are not thinking clearly. Happens all the time, you know. People do this. They meet online, get together, fool themselves that they have something when they don't. This will pass, you tell yourself. The infatuation will fade. It's wrong to feel this way. Let it go.

You make a dedicated effort to end it, going months without contacting them. You fall into a deep depression. You go to therapy, you take medication. Nothing helps. Conversely, even your real-life relationship, which you had sought to help by this separation, worsens because you feel so disconnected to everything and everyone emotionally.

Only when you are with them, even if it is only online, are you happy. It is not what they do--just knowing they are part of your life is enough. And when, finally, you accept this and get back in touch with them, it's as if no time at all has passed. The two of you come back together seamlessly, effortlessly. And, of course, you want more than just the online stuff. You continue to see them when you can.

This is not just a fling, like so many others. The feelings only grow stronger over time. Gradually, It becomes a relationship measured not in days, weeks or even months, but years. Their support has helped you do things in your real life you never had the courage to do before. They've helped you discover yourself. Along the way, you have come to terms with the problems in your real life relationship, and you know you have to do something about them. You know there is little communication, and that you have never had the emotional intimacy you need to thrive.

You feel you could be independent now, when before you felt trapped. At various times in your relationship with them, you have both considered changing your lives, despite the many hardships and the others involved, to be together. Now, you feel you are ready.

You understand that they may not be able to go through with it. It's a huge commitment. You know that in the end they may lack the conviction or the courage to leave the life they have now. Only they can decide what is right for them.

Regardless of what they do, you feel you must make the change in your own life. It is not about a promise of something that might be, but an end to something that no longer is.

And of course you're scared to death. This is a secret years in the making. You can handle being called selfish, a betrayer--you deserve all that. But you don't want to hurt anyone any more than you have to when you leave. You don't even know if you should tell them the whole truth, the why behind your decision.

So you go online, and ask nameless, faceless people you have never met, (but maybe people who will be objective simply because they don't know you) HOW do you do this?

How do you end one life and begin another without destroying the lives of those you leave behind? How do you move out on your own when you have always been sheltered and protected before?

Where do you START?

I want to trust my boyfriend but he's making it so hard

ninefour — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:49:19 -0800

I would like some unbiased opinion. Right now I am 4 months into a new relationship which has generally been going well. We get along great, have lots in common, and we have been spending a lot of time together. But I am having a hard time trusting him. I would like some unbiased opinion.

Right now I am 4 months into a new relationship which has generally been going well. We get along great, have lots in common, and we have been spending a lot of time together – pretty much every night and weekends. I consider him a very important part of my life. Just so you know, we are a gay male couple in our mid 20s. But I am having a hard time trusting him.

There has been a few situations where I feel like my boyfriend has been less than honest with me and evasive. This has contributed to a feeling of me not being able to trust him. Unfortunately, I thought they we had moved past this but it keeps coming back up. Let me explain:

- when we first started dating, he would often talk about his friend, let’s call him x. My boyfriend, x and his partner would watch movies together and hang out, go for lunches, text and call each other. I was rarely at any of these gatherings. I thought he was just a friend. He would housesit for them and take care of their dog (they are a couple). It wasn’t until about a month into dating that I found out that this "friend" was his ex-boyfriend. I was shocked and demanded to know why he didn’t tell me from the beginning. He said he didn’t tell me because “they have moved past it, and now they are just friends, and had been for a couple years.” I told him that I felt it was an unacceptable relationship and that I thought it was weird. Well they ended up getting a fight a few weeks later about him housesitting for them and me not being able to stay there while he did; and they haven’t talked for a couple of months.

- Fast forward to this month, I have been asking my boyfriend about what our New Years plans are for a couple of weeks, since his best friend is in town visiting.

He has been generally avoiding the subject, saying he doesn’t care what we do. Yesterday, 3 days before New years eve, I found out that he actually is going out for dinner plans with his best friend, and his best friend’s parents. He says if I wanted to come they could “change the reservation…” in other words, I wasn’t invited and he had known about this all along.

He wanted me to meet up with him later (and his best friend) after his dinner thing. He says that it’s a tradition and they have done it every year… I demanded to know why he didn’t tell me about these dinner plans when I had been asking him for weeks what he wants to do for New Years Eve.

He initially said he “forgot”… then said he didn’t think New Years was such a big deal to me, and finally that he felt uncomfortable inviting me to this dinner since his friend’s parents would likely pick up the tab for dinner.

I told him that as a couple, he should have asked me what we wanted to do first and then we could make a decision as a couple on what we wanted to do.

What it comes down to, is that I don’t understand why he is acting like this. I feel really left out and excluded, and especially on a night like New Years, I feel like our plans should be priority number one.

In the back on my head, I worry he is cheating on me, but I think this is mostly because of past experiences (I have been cheated on before). I am scared to continue this relationship, worrying about what he is doing all the time and feeling like I am being intrusive because he won’t give up any information. He acts like he has something to hide.

I am in love and I am not sure what to do next. I feel like there are red flags all over the place here. I am scared because I am in love and I have no proof -- but my gut is telling me this isn't right.

We had it out last night over the New years dinner thing, and I ended up feeling like I was being unreasonable and jealous of his close friendship. Any insight would be appreciated… thanks.

Deep down I feel like he is a good guy, but this behavior is unacceptable and I am not sure what to do next.

My precious girlfriend is too exquisite for words.

johannahdeschanel — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 08:51:11 -0800

If actions are doubtlessly mightier than words, would this person be considered trustworthy? I have a friend who has been in a long distance relationship for about a year while her boyfriend is working abroad and waiting for her to go to school where he is. Boyfriend has come home to visit her many times, and visa versa. They are definitley an exclusive couple but they appear to be cut from different cloths. She grew up around all sorts of social butterflies who understand certain types of obligation in relationships, while his behavior in relationships is not always conventional. Recently, she found his address book on his computer. Entries consisted of mostly women, and notes about them containing details of how 'amazing' or 'exquisite' they are. When she saw her name, there were no descriptions or words describing her beauty. He is a decent and somewhat nerdy person who treats her like gold, and he has regularly told her how beautiful, smart, amazing, exquisite, funny, talented, etc. she is in real life (same list of adjectives)...in addition to going out of his way to do nice/cute things for her and spending lots of money on her. But if he really has such strong feelings for her&only her, why wouldn't he write it down, the way he wrote about the other 'friends'? If he thought she was so mysterious and intriguing and dear to his heart, why wouldn't he think of her when he was writing about other people? Is this normal behavior for couples to not acknowledge each other in addressbooks? Since they are already so familiar with each other do they not need to 'remember' each others' qualities in notes (the way one would need to remember friends from foreign countries)? She believes he would never physically cheat on her, but is this 'emotional cheating'? As long as they both know in their minds that they are the Only Ones for each other, should she let actions always speak louder than words and forget about it or should she talk about it with him? What is a reasonable response to this?

Tell me you love me... on second thought, don't.

Anonymous — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 06:09:50 -0800

I have a hunch the new boyfriend is going to drop the "I love you" bomb this weekend. I'm psyched. Trouble is: I don't know if I believe him, and therefore don't know how to best respond. I'm crazy about this fella, but have my doubts about his romantic sincerity for good reason (see this link for background). However he's been nothing but attentive/romantic/wonderful to me the last couple weeks, leading up to him hinting on the phone that this weekend "there's something I want to tell you about us that I've only just realized, but I want to wait until we're face to face to make it special."

Here's where we enter the muddy waters of self-defense mechanisms and neurosis: the last time I allowed myself to really fall in love with someone, I got seriously hurt/emotionally crippled from it. My last boyfriend swore up and down that he was in love with me, convinced me to embark on a grand romantic adventure together-- and then cheated on me a few months later. And to add insult to injury: he then said he realized never ACTUALLY was in love with me, he just fooled himself into thinking it because we were so compatible as a couple and because he just craved the high romance aspect of it all-- but not actually me as a person. Which totally did a number on my perception of my ability to be loved since he knew me better than anyone else, etc, etc... Whatever. I realize it happens all the time.

So because of that I've been very careful about maintaining an equal power dynamic, at least on the surface, with this new boyfriend. I am incredibly self-sufficient, not needy, would never drop the "L" word first. I've been doing my best to be smart in this relationship and not get carried away just because I irrationally feel like I could be with this guy for the rest of my life. Because even though I'm head over heels for him, I don't 100% trust him or know him extremely well, even though we've been together for about 4 months.

So I guess my question is, when he says "I love you" this weekend, should I:
A. Respond (truthfully) "I love you too." And then spend the next few weeks cringing, secretly waiting for him to take it back.
B. Say "You really don't have to say that, if you're not sure. You want to take a few weeks to think about it and then get back to me on it?"
C. "I feel like I could love you too-- but I have been hurt in the past and it's made it very hard for me to open up that way. So please don't say it unless you really mean it."
D. "Thank you, you're lovely." ...And then tell him I love him whenever I feel safe doing so, even if it's not until weeks and weeks later.

I realize I'm crazy and over-thinking it. I'm just trying not to screw this up, or screw myself over again, in the exact same way I did before. (For what it's worth, I haven't told him about the ex. He doesn't know how damaged I am.)

Giving/Gaining Turst

meta.mark — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 01:25:51 -0800

How do you gain trust from someone who's been emotionally scarred. My girlfriend and I were recently talking about her opening up to me and since she never really did open up I asked her why. She told me that at the beginning of high school her sister said something along the lines of "now that we're out of the house I don't have to pretend like I care about you anymore." This left her not trusting anyone after. For her, a person that she's has to trust a person and know that they care for her in order for her to open up. She already knows I care for her and we've already clarified that and she said she wants to trust me but doesn't know how. I can understand why its hard to trust a guy who she's only known for less than a year when she cant even trust someone she's supposed to be emotionally close with. If I could get her to trust me fully it would improve our relationship forever. Any advice on how to help her put more trust in me?

Now I Know How Simone Warne Must Have Felt.

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:30:39 -0800

Is my fiancée cheating on me, or is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? My fiancée and I have been together now for almost three years and by and large we've had a happy, healthy relationship. Sure we've had our problems. I'm more interested in sex than she is and we don't go out as often anymore as we once used to (leading to her telling me on a few occasions that she feels a little bored) but as I said, by and large we've been very, very happy together, and are looking forward to getting married in a year or two and starting the rest of our lives together.

Last Monday, my girl told me she had been asked to go out on a girl's night out with a female friend from work and some of her friends. I will admit, I wasn't thrilled with the idea. I know what guys are like and while I trust her, I don't trust a city-full of drunken guys seeing my sexy lady and trying to hit on her. But I'm sane enough to know I don't control her, and even more sane enough to know that I couldn't very well ban her from going or anything, so all I could do was suck it up and try and make the best of a night at home by myself. Plus, bottom line, I do trust her and had always told her I would always trust her until she gave me a reason not to.

She had told me she was only planning on staying out till midnight but at 5am this morning she crawled into bed, drunk. She told me that only one guy had tried to hit on her, but she had rebuked him and that all she could think of all night was me. She would have had sex with me there and then, she also said, except she was too tired. Given it was 5am and I had hardly slept most of that night out of worrying, I was too tired for it myself so we slept until 11am and then went about our usual Sunday.

And then at 1.30, as we watched a DVD, she got an MMS. She went and grabbed her phone and sat down next to me and we looked at it together. It was an unknown number. She opened the MMS and it was a picture of a toned naked guy, full frontal, with his dick in his hand. And the message along with it read "Northern suburbs. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk."

Naturally my mind started racing. She swears that she didn't do anything wrong but she also admits that this looks very, very suspicious. Although I'm inclined to believe her (she has never given me a reason not to trust her), I think she may have, in her drunken state, accidentally given a guy her number last night which led to this MMS. She started to cry and claims that not even that happened, and again I am inclined to believe that, but I'm not sure.

At any rate, she deleted the MMS straight away, so unless he writes back, we can't really test any of these theories by writing back to him. For her part, she has said that if he does write back, she will write back to him, in front of me, that he has the wrong number.

The only other theory I can come up with is that maybe some dude was chatting online to some chick, and she gave him her number while asking "where do you live?" In response, he sent her this picture of himself with the attached message. This theory does make some sense as 'Northern Suburbs' is usually a reference to the northern suburbs of Sydney. In Brisbane, where we live, we don't call our northern suburbs the Northern Suburbs. We call it the northside. So basically, if she had been cheating on me, and this dude was from Brisbane, he would have more likely written Northside. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk." It's not much of a theory, I'll grant you, but it's a theory nevertheless.

I should also mention that in the limited time I've had to think about this, I have realised that if she hadn't gone out last night and we had still gotten this message, I would never have even suspected for a second that she was cheating on me or otherwise. But in the light of the fact that she did go out for a drunken night on the town with hordes of lecherous guys on the prowl all around her, my mind can't help but put A and B together...

So Metafilter, what's your take on this? Is my fiancée cheating on me? Or do you think she accidentally and innocently gave out her number and doesn't remember it? Is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? Or is it something else I may not even have considered.

Over to you...

how do i regain trust after being cheated on

frogger12 — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 00:15:15 -0800

how do you regain trust after being cheated on in a very meaningful, and my first, serious long term relationship, my girlfriend cheated on me while travelling. It happened quite a while ago and im still having serious trust issues and cant seem to come to terms with it. Im sure there cant be one 100% right answer but would appreciate your thoughts views and experiences. thanks

I am such an idiot.

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 12:09:22 -0800

How do I regain my husband's trust? No I didn't cheat on him, thank goodness.

Long story short:
1. I have been intermittently dissatisfied with my relationship. It's my own fault. I bring problems on myself, and create disharmony. I am not outwardly mean, but I ignore my husband at times, slack with my duties around the house, and get anoyed with his personality and behavior. I have especially become very discouraged that we have no mutual friends. I have my friends, but he has hardly any. He doesn't like to socialize, so I have become resentful that we weren't living the way I had envisioned. I don't need lavish dinner parties. A barbeque or a night out with friends that we both share would make me happy, but we don't even have that.

2. Because of this disenchantment I have started running my mouth to my sister, and a good friend of mine. I complain about him, and even conveyed the idea that I am too good for him. Terrible, I know. I have a group of girlfriends, and I sometimes joke about my husband (in a light-hearted way--his attempts to make me laugh, grooming habits, etc.), and I get a lot of laughs. I feel terribly guilty about it afterward. Nobody else is saying bad things about their husbands, and it feels wrong. I even wrote about my disenchantment on a message board, and my husband found it. He wasn't snooping. I left the message board open, and he clicked on my screen name. Now he feels completely betrayed and has even said that he would like to leave me, but doesn't have the guts. The reason he feels betrayed is because my "good friend" relayed to me a hurtful remark that another friend made about my husband's personality. I wrote about it on my internet post. I was upset that my friend would tell me something so hurtful about my husband. Beacuase I didn't tell her to go to hell, it offended my husband.

I have told him that I am deeply sorry, and my complaints stem from my own insecurites, and there is nothing wrong with him. We have two young children.
How can I repair my relationship?

learning to trust again

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 13:57:23 -0800

What are some strategies + coping mechanisms for learning to trust a partner after they were found cheating. We decided it was worth it to continue our relationship but I have not been able to trust him yet. It's been 8 months. Not even sure where to begin.

I cheated on my girlfriend, should I tell her?

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Oct 2005 05:34:36 -0800

I just cheated on my girlfriend and have no idea what I should do. My girlfriend and I have had an extremely short (just a matter of weeks) yet very intense relationship. I love her dearly. I was married in the past (am now nearly through with my divorce), and I've never before cheated on anyone. In fact, I left my (soon-to-be) ex-wife because she had cheated on me. I've had plenty of relationships since my divorce and know, without a doubt, that my girlfriend is the woman for me. She feels just as strongly about me.

I was visiting another city on business and an ex-girlfriend that lived a few hours away drove down to visit me. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, I knew my girlfriend would be devastated, and I knew that if she found out it would mean the end of our relationship.

Please... please! I know I'm a jerk, an asshole, and several (many) other horrible things. I know if I tell her, it would mean the end of our relationship -- and frankly, I believe I would deserve that. I'm wracked with guilt. I would never do this again. But I know that those words would likely be meaningless to her (like me, her ex- had cheated on her.)

I'm absolutely torn about what to do. Should I tell her about this? I feel like it's the right thing to do: tell her, and deal with the consequences of my actions. Or should I just focus on making our budding relationship the best that it possibly can be? The idea of hurting her has me in tears... not because she'd leave me (she would), but because I can't bear the thought of how much I would hurt her.

Is Ignorance Bliss?

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Dec 2004 16:30:51 -0800

If you were cheated on and broken up with, would you want to know that you were cheated on or would ignorance be bliss?