Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and romance

Can I live without laughter?

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:38:29 -0800

Have been dating this guy for almost three months, am feeling very serious about him, and he about me. There’s just one thing: he doesn’t laugh. Hardly at all. Almost never. I am trying to figure out if I should move forward with a relationship which is wonderful in pretty much every other way. So this guy: he’s great. Smart, kind, thoughtful, bringing me little presents all the time to let me know he’s thinking about me, texting me sweet little texts, always doing what he says he’ll do, planning interesting dates, we’re into the same things and almost hilariously compatible in so many ways. He’s loyal and good to his friends, and cares about his community. Whenever I have a problem or an issue, he’s totally willing to hear me out, communicate with me about it, and deal with it. We have talked about marriage and kids. I really, really care about him.

I plan to bring this up with him and see what he says, but I’m reluctant for fear of hurting his feelings -- because I am afraid that this is something that is not within his ability to change, and I fear that it may be a dealbreaker for me.

He doesn’t laugh. If I say something I think is funny, he doesn’t laugh. His facial expression doesn’t even change. Not even in that little “I don’t think what you said is funny but I’m acknowledging you made a joke” way. He says he just doesn’t “get” comedy or comedians. Not that I care about comedy, but I do want joking around and laughter and good-natured teasing and tickling and giggly joy to be a part of my life. He does not attempt to be funny or try to make me laugh. He doesn’t do the social smiling or social chuckling thing with other people, either. I notice this particularly, almost painfully, when I do or say something a little embarrassing, and he does not do what I would consider to be the normal thing, which is to laugh it off, or socially chuckle, or smile. He just sort of stands there with no facial expression. And makes no attempt to reassure or comfort, it’s like he doesn’t get that anything just happened.

He will occasionally do little sardonic chuckles to himself about something he thinks is funny, but I have never heard him actually laugh.

Also: does not chit-chat, at all. Very, very seldom makes eye contact with me, but when he does it is sincere and loving. Seldom talks about how he feels about things. I fear that the emotional depth of this relationship can only go so far when I cannot open up with him and bond through laughter or tears or intense emotion. I believe that he feels a lot for me, but I also feel like he does not actually understand how I feel most of the time. It’s very difficult to explain. But if I explain to him that I am feeling sad or frustrated, he does his best to comfort me.

Metafilter: should I make this a dealbreaker? It breaks my heart to think of leaving him -- he’s wonderful in so, so many ways. But I am afraid that I am going to starve for lack of that warm, giggly feeling when you laugh together with somebody you love, or the feeling you get when you are sad and somebody who cares about you holds you and feels bad that you feel sad. I don’t know if I can do without that. If I don’t make it a dealbreaker, how can I work around/through this with him?

anon answers or questions to nosmileyface@gmail.com

So I Guess He Wasn't Into Me?

cscott — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:05:54 -0800

Is He Just Not That Into Me: Part Deux Hey guys!

So I have a little update about the situation I shared last week here. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm going to re-post a portion of the back story from last week for anyone who didn't get a chance to read it.

So there's this guy I'm cybercrushing on ... He's a model who's moving to the city I live in three months. There are four of us on this social networking website who have bonded and I've met the other two in person. Three weeks ago, one of them posted a video of him, me, and another dude about some random stuff. We all have photos posted of ourselves on this social networking website so it's no mystery to the guy I have a crush on what I look like. But in the video I had a voice and personality. He sent me a message saying, "You are really handsome ... more than you let on. Just saw the video. Very handsome indeed!" Later we were chatting about gay dating and ethnicity. I was saying that since I'm not white (I'm South Asian) a lot of people can't really figure out where I'm from and probably aren't into darker skinned guys like me. He said, "I like 'em swarthy :)" So I thought maybe he's flirting with me. But before that he was saying that he has a type. There are exceptions but his type is a white guy in his mid-30s with dark hair. And I obviously don't fit that description. Last week, I asked whether he's really just not into me because I'm not his type physically. Most of you said it's impossible to know right now so just keep flirting and see what happens.

Well ... we chatted a couple of times online this past weekend. He was asking me what's the best neighborhood to live in once he moves here and where he could work part-time before getting into modeling. The second time we chatted we went back and forth for two hours. He said I was a shining example of a gay man, asked me loads of questions about my cultural and ethnic background (when I felt like I was rambling he said "I'm 10000% interested"), said he was sorry that in one online discussion forum he judged me too quickly (because back then he didn't know me as well), told me my name sounds beautiful, and when we were signing off he said "Good night, panda!" (yes, I cringed too, but I guess it was cute :)

But last night on this same social networking/discussion website we were talking about some random issue. This guy in my city started asking him when he was moving here and said "You're cute." My crush sort of blew the guy off on that public thread with a "Thanks. But I promise you. I'm not that great." Then somehow the city I live in came up in discussion on the thread and he said, "I'll be museuming, concerting, going to the park, conquering the city! CScott, can't wait for you to join me, buddy." My stomach buckled ... buddy? Four days after showering me with compliments and after personally messaging me to tell me I'm really handsome, now I'm in the friend zone?

Okay so I know this is an overanalysisfest. Forgive me. I WAS thinking ... maybe this guy likes me ... I mean he's told me he thinks I'm very attractive, says I'm a shining example of a gay man, says goodbye in what seemed like a somewhat affectionate tone (but maybe he's just weird), says he's "10000% interested!" in learning about my cultural background ... And now I'm his buddy. Okay okay ... this is ridiculous because I haven't even met him in person yet and I'm already trying to figure out EXACTLY what he's thinking/feeling. But all I want to know is if this is an obvious "let's just stay friends" situation so that I don't waste any time thinking there's potential when he gets here. ::Sigh:: Hard to figure shit out online. Curse the blasted internet! ::he writes as he finishes typing his Metafilter question:: ;)

Tell me about a time when you were on the receiving end of a truly romantic act.

stuboo — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:34:43 -0800

I'm looking for stories from folks, especially ladyfolks, who have been on the receiving end of random acts of romance. Tell me, when were you surprised by a romantic act? What was it? What were the circumstances? I'll take just about any story, but I'm most interested in every day, random, spur of the moment romantic acts.

Birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine's are great too, but stories that start along the lines of "It was a Thursday at 5:13pm..." are what I hope to see the most.

What is proper dating etiquette?

mintchip — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:52:54 -0800

What is proper dating etiquette? I used to always date one guy at a time. However, this left me waiting for him to call and with no back up plan if things din't work out. Over time, I realized that getting exclusive prior to knowing someone limits one's opportunities prematurely--before you have any real idea what type of person someone is or what they are looking for.

In the end, I am seeking a serious relationship. However, I now am comfortable taking a more slow, casual approach towards dating and I think it's helped limit some of the anxiety about dating that caused me problems in the past.

My question is this. It seems rather tacky to tell someone you have a date planned with someone else. At the same time, if you are seeing someone naturally they will ask what you are doing on other days and maybe who you are spending time with. It seems a little dishonest to say "I'm going to xyz with a friend." What is the best way to handle this sort of question?

Early on (before "the talk") it's assumed that you are dating more than one person, right?

Grown-up love

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 10:09:16 -0800

Can cynical old me still find passionate love? Or should I readjust to some kind of grown-up relationship? I'm in my mid-30s and I've had quite a few relationships already. More than once, I thought I'd found The One, but after a few years, something hasn't worked and the relationship has ended. I find that with each relationship, I hold a bit more back, at least at first. I have less of the optimistic dreaminess as the years go on, and its hard to imagine ever re-experiencing the truly magical faith that I had with my first love. So, is there any hope for me? In your experienced opinion, is it OK to just accept a more mature form of falling in love, that is slower, more reserved, and more based on sensible choices? Or is it better to just wait and wait and hope to someday find someone who re-sparks a kind of youthful enthusiasm?

Does it really come when you least expect it?

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 10:26:15 -0800

Are you a person whose romantic life started comparatively late--say, in your mid-twenties or later? Tell me your story! I'm in a very similar situation to this poster, down to living in NYC and being unable to flirt. (I'm a couple years younger, though--I turn 22 soon.)

But I'm not sure if I want to put in the work it takes to make a theoretical relationship, well, work, or even if I want to start casually dating. I don't feel like I'm really missing anything: I'm pretty happy with my life and how things are going at the moment, and I'm engaged in all kinds of fascinating and absorbing intellectual projects. At the same time, I don't want to grow old and die alone--I'd like, at some point, to be in a long-term relationship with someone. (I don't really care about sex.) I have had 2 relationships which each lasted a few months, but nothing in the past 3-4 years, so I'm beginning to get concerned that I'm permanently walling myself off from this part of human life.

So my question to you is: were you a late bloomer, romantically? Did the old line about love showing up when you least expect it turn out to be true? How much did you have to change in your life before you could start being in relationships? What would you tell your younger, single self if you could go back in time? Mostly, I'm interested in hearing what your experience of "breaking out of your shell" was like.

When to DTR & Early-Stage Gifts

adjockey — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 06:37:33 -0800

Horrors-of-Dating-Filter: Defining the relationship: How soon is too soon? And what about early-relationship-stage gifts for birthday and Valentines? I'm new to "dating." Which isn't to say I haven't had some pretty good previous relationships. The difference is that they just happened--a a quick and (relatively) smooth transition from acquaintance to official boyfriend/girlfriend status--while I haven't really known this girl much before we went out for the first time last week. The dinner went very well, I think.

We're set to get together again this weekend. Assuming it goes well and the pattern holds, how long should I wait before having the define-the-relationship conversation? Certainly two dates is too soon, but I hate not knowing where I stand with people, so I want to plan ahead. I was thinking that if everything is going smoothly by Valentines, then I would use the holiday as an excuse to bring it up. Make sense?

And then there's the question of GIFTS. Her birthday is next week--thank you, Facebook--so I thought I would get her something relatively small and nonthreatening like a book. (We spent a lot of time discussing books on our date.) If things continue through to Valentines, and I continue the strategy of having the DTR around then, I want to get something more romantic. But what?

Movies about love and relationships that aren't like whirlwind romances?

vizsla — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 13:35:15 -0800

I'm looking for movies about love that are not of the Titanic type. That is, they are about two people who learn to love each other over a long period of time. Maybe at first they don't particularly like each other - or they are just together by necessity, or they are just friends and never think about love. Any ideas? It's for a friend who has already had two divorces. I suspect she has fallen in love with a fairytale only to discover that love requires a lot of acceptance and forgiveness. She told me the other day she had watched Titanic and thought how wonderful the story was. I really don't think it's the type of narrative she should be looking for in her life. I'm trying to give her other ideas. She is in her late 30s with a teenage son.

Do Mulder and Scully count?

coizero — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:07:06 -0800

I'm looking for movies and television shows that featured memorable, star-crossed heterosexual couples. The man and woman must either: a) never get together, or b) get together only to have everything go horribly. No long-term relationships or on-and-off again romances, please. Bonus points for obscurity, but well-known examples are also appreciated. Examples: - Red (K. Kieslowski) - Titanic Thanks for your help! :-)

Fizzled Out on Passion

divabat — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:36:41 -0800

Depression has knocked my passion (for everything) out. Gwargh. What do I do while I get therapy sorted? I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about six years, and have been on and off treatment for that time. Last year (after about 3 years of being treatment-free) I had a bad relapse and went back on medication (Effexor XR) and counseling. They helped, and I was getting better, but recently I had a big setback and never managed to recover properly.

I've found that this wave of depression has robbed me of the ability to feel passionate about everything. I was once really passionate about changing the world (in various ways), and was invited to an exclusive summit last week for 100 other young passionate people. I felt like a dullard next to them - I didn't feel like I had anything of substance, and at one point I sat alone in a room crying and declaring that "I'm done". Surprisingly, even though my only contribution was wise-cracks in lectures and a Thank-You card for the organizers, the rest of the group accepted me wholeheartedly and felt that I was one of the most memorable people in the whole summit.

After I came back from that summit, my boyfriend and I went on a weekend vacation, but I couldn't muster any sort of enjoyment whatsoever. My boyfriend's showing me so much affection and love and care, and all I could do is go "meh". This got worse in the following week, and I felt really guilty that I couldn't feel as much love for him as he obviously does for me. (According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the companionship and intimacy is strong, but the passion's gone missing).

For a while I felt like I was holding him back, that I wasn't the best person for him, even offered to find him someone else that could treat him better. In all other respects, our relationship is actually going great - we communicate well, we deal with ups and downs maturely, we respect and care for each other deeply. I just am an emotional wreck, and I didn't want him to suffer because of that. Nonetheless, he still insists that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind the lack of emotional passion. (For example, I like cuddles and embraces, but felt guilty that I was being selfish and not bursting out with love for him. He told me not to worry because he didn't find it selfish at all.) It's good, I guess, but I still can't help but feel guilty that the only emotional response I can muster to anything is "blaaaaaaah".

I went to see a GP (my regular one was away) and made appointments with my usual counselor. It's two weeks away though, so I have some down time. I have work placements this uni semester (my last!!) and I'm still waiting for those to be sorted out so I've got nothing to do for a while. I'm already wallowing away in sorrow and despair, and find it hard to do stuff - I'd rather nap all day (and indeed do sleep a lot) and it takes a lot of effort to make myself shower or prepare a meal. I have things I could do, but I'm too lethargic and bored to do anything other than think about them. My boyfriend and I are also looking at relationship counselling to see how else we can deal with my depression - we're talked out and we're out of ideas.

How can I cope with the lack of passion and energy? Should I feel guilty for not being as romantically inclined towards my boyfriend? What about my current apathy towards making a difference, when I once was such a passionate worldchanger? What can I do in these two weeks (until my counselor appointment) so that I don't drag myself down into further despair and actually feel better?

(I'm doing a little better now as I write this, but my moods change so quickly and intensely that I'd rather have some practical ideas for when I get another "sad attack". Also, I've found lots of relationship questions about dealing with a depressed partner, but not much about being the depressed partner itself.)

You're so gay, and you don't even like boys... ???

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 19:43:26 -0800

I fell in love with my best friend, who is a guy. I’m a young bisexual guy. Apparently, he is not. Did the “wrong thing” and told him about how I felt, and was rejected, but things seemed okay afterward. However, I’m still hurting, I’m feeling delusional about it, and sometimes I think that he inadvertently isn’t helping… how do I live with my best friend now? Help me, Metafilter! I think one of the major issues in me getting past what happened was how many positive signs of success I thought I was seeing prior to the big moment. Worse, these signals have continued so strongly after the fact that individuals ignorant as to the overall situation have begun to take notice. Let’s call my friend James. Before I started being romantically attracted to him, my “gaydar” (apologies for invoking this concept) had gone off on him, as had those of all other LGB friends who know him. In addition, I had known him to have three romantic interactions (at the very least heavy kissing, petting, etc., if not oral sex) with a male friend of ours that hadn’t even occurred while drunk. Off the bat, I was primed to think of him as a queer man, someone who definitely wasn’t a “0” on the Kinsey scale.

We’ve known each other for almost three years now, and especially since about a seven months ago, James and I have had one of the strongest interpersonal relationships of my life… we clicked really famously on the friendship front. For about two years, I hadn’t been romantically attracted to him, but then a switch flicked on and the strong feelings of friendship toward him began to give rise to desires for more intimate bonds between us. Realizing how bad the situation could get, I kept these feelings (and my sexuality) under wraps for several months, until he began one long, intense phone conversation with me out of the blue. He opened up to me in a thousand new ways and began to praise me heavily, giving me an events timeline (???) of when exactly he was feeling more and more personally intimate with me, explaining why I was one of the most important people in the world to him, and telling me that any day I talked to him brightened it immeasurably. This began to make me think that there was some actual hope for a relationship, as not only were these weird things for me to be hearing from a young straight guy (sorry, stereotyping in action, I know), but they seemed to proclaim some sort of intimate exclusivity to our relationship.

Happily following the advice of a gay friend, I did something that I should have done long ago for the wrong reasons, and came out to my close straight male friends (I included James in this category) in hopes of maybe dragging out more information. I thought I had succeeded in this, as James messaged said gay friend less than 24 hours later to tell him that he had “cried” from being so proud and was “so happy” and that he wanted to “ask [me] who [my] love is, because that kind of love should not be withheld.” (Considering I “came out” in what was essentially a custom-locked blog entry that was fairly plain, the extreme emotional rise I got out of him confused me, and it was also weird at the time that the first thing he wanted to talk to me about was who my possibly gay crush was because the love I have to give is apparently just so awesome.) He also heavily began to ramp up contact with me (80+ short e-mails exchanged in two weeks), and every message seemed to be insanely positive and cheerful, which was in opposition to his typical demeanor. Finally, he invited me to make a five-hour trek to the college he was attending to spend the night for no particular reason, and remarked very particularly about the visit (such as suggesting we could sleep in the same bed???). Of course, at this point, I’m thinking: how could this be anything but his method of trying to romantically whisk me away, right?

Wrong. Despite some interesting encounters when I did visit (including being taken to a “special place” to gaze at the stars), when I finally couldn’t hold it in anymore and told him that I was developing, I was shot down by him saying that he wasn’t queer. (Actually, it was more so that I answered the question for him in a self-defeating manner... "I think I like you" ==> "But you can't be gay or bi, right?" I regret not letting him answer the real question.) This crushed me heavily, as I had believed strongly and illogically that there was some serious hope for a positive outcome. I asked him while crying why he had had romantic intercourse with our mutual gay friend, and he replied that he was simply “comfortable with his [straight] sexuality,” which frustrated me to no end. (I would later find out that there was a gay guy at James’s college seriously asking around the gay community if anyone would like to have a no-strings-attached m-m-m threesome including James, which would help foster my later delusions.) We departed on uncertain terms but over the next few days he assured me heavily that this wouldn’t come between us and that we were still as close as ever, if not more so. It hurt, but I steeled myself and worked as hard as I could to try to reorient my affections so that I would be okay with him and so I could try to heal.

When I went home, some uncomfortable things started to happen in the midst of the “business-as-usual” that I was hoping for, things that made it increasingly more difficult for me to start moving on. I started getting a whole deal more physical contact from James than I was used to, which felt strange considering what had happened a few weeks before. This contact included rough-housing, him stripping a shirt off of me, shoulder-to-shoulder-almost-face-to-face closeness at any sitdown event we attended, and lots (LOTS) of leg rubbing. For a two-week period J and I were together for at least 66.6% of the time (including him sleeping over at my house almost every night), which was nice at the same time that it was extremely difficult to deal with emotionally. (This, in part, led to three [!] female friends and one usually dense straight male friend who all knew that I had come out but who were ignorant as to what happened between James and I to ask seriously more or less whether James or I were in a relationship, which stung heavily. How could they be so off-mark while being so, so, close?) A girl he had an infrequent friends-with-benefits relationship with started to do recon in social circles that eventually got back to me as to whether or not James and I had ever been involved, because apparently she had grown suspicious of some “odd remarks” he had made. He also began to make a lot of non-ironic positive remarks about my appearance and how he’d “like to see [my] muscles after [I] bulked up [from weight training]” that also made me very uncomfortable after what had happened. To be perfectly fair, I was largely passive in all of this as I usually am, and was (and barely am now) not in a state where I was able to assert myself well, which is a larger problem I have to deal with.

In the mean-time, I’ve become hypersensitive to the contours of our relationship, and flip out internally over little not-really rejections because I still worry that I’ve destroyed our friendship with my admission, despite evidence to the contrary. Furthermore, this entire time I’ve had to keep an active vigilance over the fantasies that tell me that at the very least he’s heavily closeted and at the extreme end of wishful thinking could have feelings for me someday. I know these are absolutely terrible thoughts to be thinking, which is why I’ve been trying so hard to regulate them. It doesn’t help, though, that aspects of his character (usually embarrassed or ignorant as to his own feelings, self-destructive in romantic entanglements in terms of seeking people who are the opposite of what he professes to desire, history of sexual abuse in his childhood) make it easy for subprocesses in my head to make up a story positing hidden sexual issues. I know this is bad and need to find a way to get it down.

This whole situation is obviously very awkward, but James is going on a vacation out of the country for about a month, which might give me some time to regroup and recuperate. What are some suggestions to help move onto the next stages of getting over my friend? How do I stop driving myself batshit over our relationship? What sorts of things can I tell the delusional little voice in my head to get it to shut up and stop making up crazy stories that are probably supposed to make me feel better, but ultimately just lead to roadblocks to letting go? If, when I get home again, some of the behaviors that discomfort me continue (abnormal physical contact in particular, actually), am I in the right to have a conversation with him about them in the context of me wanting to move past that in our relationship (I worry that this is a no-no, considering I want things to be "normal" and it was my fault for making the situation awkward in the first place)? If so, any suggestions on how to approach this subject? Any other advice to offer in this situation? Thanks!

Throwaway e-mail: delusionsahoy@gmail.com

Prenup Angst

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:50:25 -0800

I'm getting married in just over 2 weeks time. Some time ago my fiance said he wanted a prenup, and after some resistance I assented. Nothing happened until last week. Now we're in the process and I'm finding it so repellent and depressing that I'm questioning...well, everything. What can I do? (sorry for all the detail, but as an anonymous question I won't be able to add it in later)

My fiance and I are in our 30s, and have been together for 3 years. My fiance is Asian and I am British. We both work for ourselves. We stay in each other's apartments all the time, but won't be moving in together until we are married. The pre nup and other wedding plans got delayed until the last minute as my fiance had a relative who was sick whom he needed to look after.

I have assets from a flat sale and some inheritance. He has some assets, although less than me (until a couple of days ago when he totted up the value for the lawyers, I believed he had almost nothing, i.e. no gold digging) but his relatively new finance business means he is likely to do well in the future.

He feels it would be unfair to 'work like a dog' (his phrase) and then have me walk away with half of his business if we divorced. I think the terms of the prenup contract he is suggesting are fair: in divorce each will keep the assets we came with, plus maintenance so that I and any children can maintain the lifestyle we have been living, as well as some compensation for what it will do to my business if I give up work to look after any kids. His business can remain his.

When I agreed to a prenup, I guess I assumed it would just be a quick modification and signing of a pre-written template. (I didn't mourn it when it looked like it would fall by the wayside in the pre-wedding rush). Instead it turns out that prenups involve odious meetings with very expensive lawyers, acrimonious fights with my fiance and complicated, opaque legalese. It makes you define and think about the relationship differently: interests, rights, ownership

I know the statistics, but I really didn't contemplate divorce until the pre nup discussions. I felt there was enough love and practical will to get through the hard times to make it worth a confident leap into marriage. I was eager to try for a child with him, even though it is something I'm quite scared of.

I've been shocked by the thoughts and feelings my fiance has expressed during this process: visibly angry talking about the possibility of me turning into a scheming woman who's out to get his hard-won fortune; describing this prenup as a 'test'. I can sympathise practically with my fiance's position - that divorce is essentially alien to him and his culture, and because we are getting married in the UK it is only fair that he should be protected against a legal system which has the reputation of notoriously deciding in favour of the wife. He feels (and I agree when asked to consider it) that arrangements during marriage should be different than in the event of a divorce.

However, I find this whole pre nup business completely alien. My problem is not with the content of the contract, but with the process itself. No one I know has had one, at least openly. There is no one I feel I can talk to as I feel ashamed to admit that my future husband is demanding this.

Circumstances have conspired to make these last few pre-wedding weeks more hectic than normal, even though the wedding itself is low key. Already under pressure with all the practical issues, it feels like they have been dominated by talk of divorce. (I should say that my fiance does say he loves me and can be very affectionate between all of this). We talk about the pre nup, have a fight, reach an agreement and then the whole thing raises it's ugly head again with an email from the lawyer, or another meeting or whatever. I have told him how I feel, but I think he sees me expressing these feelings as emotional blackmail.

I feel that what could be joyful, romantic pre-wedding sweetness is being tainted. I want to be talking about our marriage, not endlessly being forced to mention and think about divorce. I can push this all to one side when the prenup is lying quiet, but otherwise I feel I'm just straining to cover up how bitter and sad this is making me feel, and I'm not that confident that I will be able to get over this feeling.

I am fearful this is not a good way to start a marriage. What should I do?

I'd really like to get to give this a shot - can you help?

FlyByDay — Tue, 06 May 2008 16:52:28 -0800

Here’s one of those how-do-I-play-this? relationship questions. At the very beginning of a possible relationship (with a touring musician) that I'd really like to give a chance to, but he may be too scared. (explanation inside) I am 42 years old, single and very interested in (being in) a relationship. I’m not desperate, I live on my own and enjoy time on my own, but I’m very ready for a relationship. Last serious one was several years ago. I recently got in touch (with no expectations) with someone I’ve known for years (15+) but never knew very well. We’re both musicians, but he’s much more successful than me. In fact, he’s a very successful touring musician (solo), and on the road a lot. He was playing in my town and I got in touch to see if he’d like to get together before his show. He did. We hung out and he left after the show, saying that he felt close to me and thought we should explore this further. I was/am down for that. He told me he’d had a crush on me years ago. I had no idea. I’ve since seen him a few more times with things getting…heavier each time (consummated), though we haven’t established if we’re really dating. We live a few hours apart, and like I said, he’s on the road a lot.

He is 54, a caretaker type, and his most recent relationship ended three years ago. The woman actually broke up with HIM, but proceeded to stalk and harass him, as she does to this day. It’s actually to an astounding degree, and much more complex than I can describe here. Multiple daily emails and calls, drive-bys, faked suicide attempts, and calls to venues nationwide. While he has done some things to deter her (getting a no-trespass order, not responding to her emails or calls EVER), he has also refused to change phone # or email (citing business reasons) and hasn’t used the full extent of the law, I think. That said, cops and lawyers tell him that there's not much he can do. She has two girls that he was very close to, and I don’t think he wants to affect them in any potentially negative way. I think he’s also used to bad relationships, and there’s a comfort zone there (in the drama) for him (again, too complex to explain). He did recently hire an attorney at great expense to do something related to her, though I’m not sure exactly what.

The above leads him to be very gunshy and to believe that women have a tendency to “become crazy”, though he did recently let me know that he did not think this of me. In fact, we’ve talked more about the connection we have, how the attraction is pretty crazy, and how much we enjoy each other. Still, we go days without speaking, because he’s dealing with the above and various other major changes and he’s asked me to give him some time, and because I think it’s just difficult to have comfortable and productive phone conversations with someone you don’t know THAT well. If I had a definitive time that I’d see him next (likely next week if he makes himself available), I’d feel much better. But the not-knowing makes me wonder what I’m doing and is stressing me out no end. I’m willing to give him some time, as he’s requested, but not if, in the end, he refuses to let us get to know each other in person. I like him a lot. I think he’s very cool, and in many ways an incredibly sensitive and evolved guy (supported by many others who also know him – people tend to just adore this guy). I think we could potentially be good for each other and have something really good, but I don’t know yet.

Ironically, the one thing I don’t really worry about, despite the fact that women are CONSTANTLY coming on to this guy (which is the nature of how he sings and writes), is him finding someone else. He is very careful about getting involved at all, but I fear that he’ll stop this before it starts because he’s just too scared. He’s been in several relationships, but is at a serious crossroads, as am I. I think the timing could actually be beneficial if he’ll give us a chance, but I’m not sure he will, though this was his idea to begin with. I wish I knew what to DO here. Stop calling (I don’t call very often to begin with, and we don’t email each other) and TRULY back off, or assume it’s not happening, or…what? Is there a “formula” that will most likely result in him giving us a chance? Any insights (other than “run away!”, since I’m not really looking for that) would be appreciated.

Suggestions for ways to rev up the romance at home?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 11:27:25 -0800

Suggestions for fun/romantic nights at home? I need some ideas/suggestions for fun/exciting/romantic activities to do at home with my partner. While the intent is that it would lead to great sex, fun without sex or just getting to know you better/feeling more intimate type of activity suggestions are also welcome. I'm mainly looking for suggestions for things my partner and I can do at home without having to arrange for a babysitter.

Posting anonymously because I feel lame about not being able to think of anything fun/romantic on my own, and I'd rather that my partner not know that I asking a bunch of internet nerds for romance tips.

Help me overthink sex and romance.

bubukaba — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:35:49 -0800

What are some good books/essays/articles about human sexuality, sexual and romantic relationships, and sexual or otherwise affection-entangled activity - with an emphasis on the theoretical? I'm thinking more along the lines of Judith Butler than The Joy of Sex - so suggestions should be at least vaguely academic. (Things like Leaves of Grass count as vaguely academic). I'm asking for personal, not academic reasons - I'd like all the seemingly irrational stuff surrounding the emotional, social, psychological (and so on) aspects of this sort of thing to make more sense to me (or at least I'd like the fact that they're irrational to make more sense...).

In spite of my namedropping in the above-cut FPP, I haven't read much on these subjects, so even the most basic suggestions are welcome.

Help me feel more at ease about meeting up with an old flame

FlyByDay — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 12:32:34 -0800

I've re-connected with an old flame, who is now divorced. He's been off-limits for so long, but now wants to come visit me. I'm thrilled. I'm single. But I can't stop worrying that it will somehow fall apart and not happen. Right after college, I came to (big east coast city) for grad school. I met and started dating a guy who was finishing a bachelor’s at music school. I had just gotten my bachelor’s in music and was in grad school for music, so we have this very much in common. Before we met, this guy, D, had already planned to move to (big west coast city) soon after his graduation. We dated for about a year, but during that time I was very drawn to (another musician), who kept me at arm’s length but then admitted he was interested too. Though I loved being with D, at the time, the other guy was more of what I thought I wanted. D wanted me to move with him, but I’d just gotten to the east coast and was in school. The timing was wrong.

D eventually moved to (west coast city), and we saw each other a few times the next few years (and most recently in 2003) and things were as intense as always. He started dating once he moved west (I was still dating other guy, though we eventually broke up), then got married. Outside sources thought the marriage was questionable from the beginning. We kept in touch, and that intensity was still apparent but not acted upon. It should be noted that we’re both still professional musicians. I have had several perfectly nice (but ultimately ended) relationships, but no marriage and no children.

A few years ago, he disappeared. Could not be found, and I tried very hard to find him. His phone #s were disconnected, his website – that listed all of his performances – was gone. I used all my sleuthing skills but couldn’t locate him. Thought of him often. Three weeks ago, he called me. Told me he’d gotten divorced. That in a very short span of time, he lost his wife (divorce), his house, his cat (died), and one of his music directorship jobs. He said that he went deep into depression and had sequestered himself but was coming out of it. He sounded very well.

He said he wanted to come visit me in August. I have been single for quite a while now and have thought of him all this time, but he’s been off limits, so I am very much looking forward to his visiting. We’ve talked several times and he’s assured me that he is absolutely coming, but I don’t think he has tickets yet. He’s made it clear that he is coming only to see me.

So, while we talk periodically, certainly not every day, and that’s fine. More than once, I’ve called or emailed and haven’t gotten a response for several days. He’s a busy musician and I’m busy as well. Things are very intense when we do speak. Yet I find myself VERY unnerved. I can’t really believe that he’s coming until he has tickets, and probably not even then. Because he disappeared for so long (though I understand the reasons). But more importantly, I think, because I fear a phone call like this:

“So…I’m really sorry, but I just started seeing someone and I don’t think it’d be fair to you for me to come visit. Sorry about that!”

...and then he’ll disappear again. And honestly, that would/will be very difficult for me. I think this is partially the result of having heard so many men say (and some women will confirm this about men) say that as soon as a man knows that a woman is interested in him, he is no longer interested. That it’s all about the chase. But I’ve gone with my gut. I don’t play games and I’m not playing them here. He knows I’m excited about his visit, and he says he is too. But if this “thrill of the chase” clause applies to all men, it’s bound to implode before he gets here.

Caveats – I’m 41, very savvy, not twisted up by insecurities but very much interested in dating again; I clearly understand that he’s coming out of a divorce and that we are in different places; there are no “biological clock” issues pressing here; I very much miss sex – it’s been too long.

I guess I’m just asking how best to process this. Should I expect that he isn’t coming and just be surprised if he does? Should I tell him my concerns?

Any input would be appreciated. If you’ve read all the way through – a gold star for you!

When is the right time to tell a woman how I feel about her?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 08:10:51 -0800

RelationshipFilter: How long after a divorce should I wait to declare my feelings to another woman? Should I say anything at all? Ever? I am a young (23) graduate student. I am currently in the process of ending a 1.5 year marriage. The marriage has been disintegrating for some time now, and I ended up moving out in January. I have seen an attorney and have the paperwork needed to file for divorce, but I haven't filled it out yet. I definitely plan on doing so in the near future. Without going into too much detail, I'll say that the marriage is ending due to emotional abuse and my growing awareness that it was unhealthy to me and things were never going to change. I've been going to counseling for a few months now to help learn why I put up with this sort of unhealthy relationship for so long. I feel like it's going well.

Now, for the good news: I've met a girl. We sit next to one another in a class, so we see each other every day. Over the course of the semester, I've really started to have feelings for her. She is brilliant, friendly, compassionate, intriguing, etc. She is a fundamentally decent person who cares about the same issues I do and has done real work to help others in need. She knows a ton about film and loves to watch movies, which is really important to me. We also share other interests.

I really like this girl a lot and I have tried, over the course of the semester, to spend more time with her. We've gone to see a couple movies (with a group the first time, by ourselves the second time) and have gone out to lunch a couple times. It's a little hard to get her to do things, because we're both consumed by schoolwork and she's extremely studious. She has declined many offers from me, but always for real reasons; i.e., I don't think she's blowing me off for no reason. When we get together she seems to really enjoy the company and conversation. I just asked her out for coffee tomorrow night, and she seemed really into it. I'm terrible at reading women, though, and I have no idea if she thinks of me in the same way I think about her. It's probably safe to say that she doesn't.

So. I'd really like to develop a relationship with this girl. My friends, family, and counselor all think that she sounds like a great person in general and a great person for me. (They're divided on the question I'm about to ask.)

There are six weeks left in the semester. We are spending our summers on opposite ends of the country, but will return to school in August. So I've been trying to develop the friendship this semester, in an attempt to leave it in such a way that allows us to pick it up when we move back in August. That's been the plan, anyway.

But lately, I've really begun feeling like I should tell her how I feel about her. The thought of leaving the question open throughout the summer isn't appealing to me. I'd like to say something like: "I think you're really great and I enjoy spending time with you. I think I'm beginning to develop feelings for you, and I want to know if it's okay to have these feelings until we meet again next semester." If she says yes, then I know we can resume the development of the friendship in August. If she says no, then I can try to stop thinking about her so much until then. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm tired of having these feelings for her without her knowing that I do.

Some worries:
--I'm worried that my marriage situation will scare her off. I'm technically not divorced yet, and even if I were, it may be too soon. (I think the paperwork will probably take a few months, but I hope for it to be over by July or August.) I should make clear two things: First, the marriage is over. There is no hope of reconciliation and I feel like I have moved on. Second, I made sure to tell the new girl about the divorce back in January. So it's not like it's a surprise to her.
--I'm worried that telling her all this may ruin the great friendship that we've developed so far.
--I'm worried that the small class sizes of graduate school will make it uncomfortable if I tell her all this and she rejects me. (Upperclass students told us during orientation to never date fellow students.) The school is big enough that you can generally avoid people, but small enough that you're bound to run in to them at some point in the next two years.

So what should I do? Should I say something to her? If I do say something, how do I say it to minimize creepiness and awkwardness? Any suggestions or encouragement would be appreciated. Please send personal correspondence to askmefi99@yahoo.com. Thanks in advance.

So, you're telling me we should just be friends?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 17:16:32 -0800

How can I begin changing my views on relationships and romance? OK, so here's the story. I'm a 28 year old guy living in the Midwest. I've had one romantic relationship in my life, and that ended very badly in 2005 (she got abusive when we broke up, told all my secrets to whoever would listen, etc.) Prior to that, I really didn't have the confidence to approach women due to a weight problem and not having any money in college. I had a lot of crushes on women before my relationship in 2005, but I just never acted upon it because of self-confidence issues.

Now I find myself in a weird place. I've lost a lot of weight and have been told I'm quite attractive. Women approach me from time to time at the gym and other random places. They obviously want to go out with me, and will even ask me if I'm seeing anyone. Every time this happens, I instantly begin thinking why a relationship with the woman would never work, and begin sabotaging things in my mind. Oftentimes, I'll tell her that I'd rather just be friends. Sometimes this does lead to friendship, but often it just leads to them not talking to me anymore. I'm not the sort to just stop calling people for no reason, because I know how hurtful that can be.

I think my views about relationships are all wrong. I have decent friendly and platonic relationships with many women, so there's no problem there. I just find myself unable to get into a romantic relationship. I want companionship, but my views on romantic relationships are hopelessly negative. My parents have a horrible marriage and I haven't seen too many married couples whose lives I would want. All my friends who are in long term realtionships act like they're married without the rings and possibility of losing half their stuff. It seems like marriage is where couples go to die, and that the point of most long term relationships is for the two people to get married.

Compounding this fact is that I really enjoy misogynist entertainment. Things like Too Short's music and Tucker Max's writing. I'm not going to blame these things for the way I think, but they really can't be helping my situation.

I know I should likely go to therapy, but are there any other resources out there I could consult to help me begin to get over these views? Or alternatively, ways I can meet singles who want long term relationships but not necessarily marriage?

My e-mail is askmefi at yahoo dot com if you would like additional info of any kind from me. Thanks again.

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:51:10 -0800

RelationshipFilter (sorry!): I've become entangled in a complex 'relationship', and I'm not sure what to do... Long story:

In September 2004, I arrive at university. A few days later I meet a very attractive girl who lives in my halls of residence. Over the next week or two we become very good friends and end up spending a lot of time together, watching TV, films, chatting about other friends of ours etc. I very quickly realised I had "feelings" for this girl, oh dear. Then one night I was probably being a bit too obvious and surprisingly she said "Just go ahead and kiss me." Frankly, I hadn't expected that, I considered her well out of my league and was happy at the time to just be a good mate of hers.

So, we fool around for a few nights, but don't tell any of our mutual friends... a few nights turns into a few weeks... still not telling friends. I slept in her room many times (if it's relevant, without sex), creeping out early in the morning to avoid my other friends. I begin to get attached, uh oh. Just before the first holiday she tells me she doesn't want a relationship and we should stop doing things. I feel kinda crushed. I tell her this and end up sleeping there again...

Holiday comes and she phones me all the time, texts and tells me how she misses me and we have long conversations about 'us' on the internet.

Rinse and repeat for 2 more terms.

2nd year of university, we get closer. I still sleep with her, none of my friends know (except one), including my housemates because of our ridiculous "secrecy" thing. We've become closer, she's said she loves me, we've both shared very important things with each other and to all intents and purposes we are a couple.

Yet.

The problem is, and I've told her often enough, that I'm fed up with the secrecy. I want to be able to walk around holding her hand, or kiss her in public (shock horror). Things she'll happily do when away from our friends and people who know us!

She states that she doesn't want a boyfriend and the "baggage" that goes with it. She wants people to see her as single and not part of a couple. Yet she still wants me to sleep in her bed and be there for her.

I'm being taken for a ride, right? I should probably get out of this situation, but again, problem. I don't want to. She's one of the best things in my life, I love her to bits, and yet there's this issue sitting there driving me mad.

Opinions? Constructive suggestions about talking to her might be useful.

Thanks. (oh, and for the record, we're both around 21)

How to fall out of love

luftmensch — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 09:06:51 -0800

I have no problems falling in love - it's falling out I need some help with. I fell for a guy over the internet 5 months ago, behind my boyfriend's back. We felt really strongly for each other (I think this might be an understatement), and a while ago he drove 600 miles to visit me. Everything went pretty well--no, I'm not pregnant or anything--but eventually I had to tell my boyfriend of nearly 4 years that I'd been living a lie. I've promised to stay with the boyfriend and break it off with the out-of-towner. After a self-imposed month of no communication, I thoguht it was maybe time to set on the road to being friends with him--I feel that the best thing that could come from this is he and I still being close friends, becuase I so very much want to be able to care about him. It was too soon, though, as I'd progressed much faster than he, sicne I had someone there for support when he did not. After a few exchanges it's become clear that I'm heading back where I started, and it feels like I've just wasted or undone a month. I'd like any advice you might have on how to break this off, specifically ways that could help him. I know I can deal with my own problems in the matter, and I want to help him, but his pain is too much for me to bare without falling back to him again. Just for clarification to this matter: we're both young college-age, although he isn't in college. He attempted suicide early in that month mentioned, and wasn't talked out of it so much as threatened out of it by a mutual internet friend (who was going to call the cops on him). I've also been rather suicidal, but I can't bring msyelf to cause that much mroe pain on the people I care about, even if it means I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. He still loves me and I still love him. And we need to stop.

(apologies - spell check doesn't seem to actually work. I tried to proofread best I can.)

RomanceFilter: Attempting to win her back

cha4 — Thu, 01 Dec 2005 09:00:06 -0800

RomanceFilter: Attempting to win her back I (let's call me "C") am pretending to do a faux "dissertation" (or a few pages of one) about us to share with a girl (let's call her "M"), who I am trying to win back. We broke up after four years together.

There’s a part of the content that tackles and examines actual issues men and women face in long-term relationships and marriage, and issues of compatibility.

But another part is not so serious. For that, I began brainstorming and have created headings such as these with some content inside (the goal here is sweet/humorous):

o Seven reasons Not to go separate ways
o Five reasons to forever end M and C’s bond (the idea here: Come up with ridiculous case, then cross it out as a valid reason... Ex: "M takes up elephant training as a life-long passion...", crossed out)
o Ten things C never thought possible

I realize this is personal and some of it are things only I could come up with. But for inspiration, what are some beautifully sweet/funny things you have come across? (What about other ideas you recall from a story or film?) Web sites that might help inspire me?

Online Dating

slipperywhenwet — Sat, 12 Feb 2005 00:40:45 -0800

What are your experiences with online dating? [+]

Romantic travel through Napa.

rorycberger — Wed, 01 Sep 2004 14:11:08 -0800

After the success of my night in San Francisco (details inside for the curious), I'm once again seeking romantic travel guidance. This time: Napa. [step on the grapes, the juice is inside] Quick SF recap if anyone's curious: ended up staying at the hotel drisco in pacific heights; it was lovely, although our room didn't really have a good view. Friday we did union square, drove through chinatown, coit tower, lombard street, then picnic in the arboretum at GG park. After lunch did ghirardelli square, fisherman's wharf, and pier 39. checked into the hotel, dinner at Florio, then Beach Blanket Babylon, which we thoroughly enjoyed. Woke up early saturday morning and rode the cable cars from fisherman's wharf to union square and back (at 7 AM there is no line whatsoever, fyi), then drove over the golden gate bridge just for fun. All in all it was wonderful, thanks to all for the suggestions!

Now, onto the next challenge: My girlfriend will once again be visiting from Friday, October 22nd to Tuesday the 26th. Preliminary hotel scouting has shown that several nice places are already filling up for the friday and saturday nights. I was thinking of doing sunday night to avoid the crowds a bit. First question: is one night going to be enough? We're driving from San Jose, so we can probably spend pretty much all day sunday and monday in the area. Next key issue: I've never been to Napa at all, so I need recommendations for all activities, not just hotels and stuff. Final issue, budget: hoping to keep it in about the $600-700 range, including everything we do. Was thinking like 300 for hotel, 150 for dinner, plus a couple hundred dollars for daytime activities (wine tastings, lunches, whatever else we do). Does that sound reasonable, or are daytime activities more expensive? how much does it cost to tour a vineyard or do a winetasting or something? I'm totally clueless about that stuff. If I have to pick one place to splurge, it would definitely be the hotel room, as I want that to be as romantic as possible. I saw a quick recommendation of the Carneros Inn in some magazine, so I started there. I can get a Garden Cottage there for 325 on sunday night, so right now that's sounding like a good choice. Anybody been there? Other recommendations? Daytime activities? Restaurants? Help!