Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and resolved

Keep a name from a previous marriage?

Goodgrief — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:43:13 -0800

I am divorced and retained my married name because I like it and it suits me, and my kids share it. I would like to keep my name, even if I married again. I am dating someone casually who has mentioned that anyone he would marry would have to change her name to his. What is the hive opinion of keeping a name from a previous marriage? Is this unheard of? Should this be a dealbreaker?

Loss of libido with Levlen/Levora?

roxie110 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:32:13 -0800

Has anyone taking the birth control pill Levora/Levlen had a loss of libido? I've been taking this pill for a year now, and (along with some weight gain that kicked in about 6 months later, yuck) I've noticed a pretty steep drop in my libido.

This is the first time I've ever been on the pill, and I'm trying to figure out whether this may be related to the pill itself, or whether I'm just not that attracted to my boyfriend anymore (it's been 6 years)!

Any info or advice would be welcome.

Other sources for physical intimacy?

~Sushma~ — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:03:39 -0800

Lonely, hungry for intimacy, ravenous to be touched, coddled or stroked. I'm old, sick and unattractive, I used to be smoking hot but men don't look at me any more, nor do they even acknowledge my presence. The area I live in is sparse for dating, and I've even tried one night stands. I have given up. What are some other ways to get the physical needs I have for the human social intimate relationship I do not have? I've done the CL casual encounters, internet dating etc.... Going for a massage now to see if it helps, and yes I have a loving and much loved pet....but I need more. Any resources? I'm sure there are others like me out there.

Should he stay or should he go? Dog problems..

emkelley — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:23:42 -0800

When is it time to get rid of the dog? Fiance's poorly-trained dog has bitten me three times. I'm nervous about moving in with them and our future children. What do I do? My fiance received a gift of an American Eskimo from his girlfriend-at-the-time about one year before we met. Both Fiance and his Ex worked in jobs with long hours so never really had time to train the dog. When Fiance and I started dating, Dog was really horrible: when it was time to leave the house, he would position himself in front of the door and put up a big fight (growling, barking, bared teeth, etc.). When bedtime arrived, Dog would get up on the pillows and throw the same kind of fit. He doesn't like to play; he barks at any outside noise or anything he sees. As he's gotten older--he's 3.5 now--he's mellowed out a bit but mostly I think this is the prozac we've put him on after the most recent incident.

I never had dogs growing up so I've been skeptical but open... at least to the concept of dog ownership, but perhaps not this dog. Because he is so fearful (and because he doesn't see me as being above him in the pack?), he is very aggressive with me. He and I have had three altercations, the last one this summer involved a bite that sent me to the hospital for two nights. Fiance had been dragging his feet on medicating Dog and hiring a trainer but this incident made him realize he needed to do something. So now he's on Prozac, and Fiance also became somewhat stricter in terms of establishing dominance and enforcing rules.

Fiance and I don't live together yet, but we will probably be joining households this summer. I am extremely nervous about living with Dog full time. I am not comfortable around him, and I really fear what will happen when we have children. That is a few years off, so we will have time to work on training him and we have an appointment with a trainer in the near future. However, after reading AskMeFi's similar Q&As, it seems like the general advice is that once a dog has bitten, you can't let the dog around kids. This is my gut feeling, but Fiance refuses to get rid of Dog because a) he loves him and b) he assumes he'll be put down if we have to give him away. I know there are rescue groups so I don't think euthanasia isn't a certainty. Plus I think that Dog would be happier if we could find him a home with people who have time to be with him--Fiance works 60-80 weeks and doesn't have the time or energy.

I am trying very hard to see this situation from his perspective and be compassionate about it, but I have gotten to the point where I dread visiting Fiance because I have to deal with the dog. Is this beyond reasonable or do I need to just get over it?

How to put my foot down when SO won't consider a Plan B?

kleenkat — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:55:15 -0800

How do I put my foot down? My longterm girlfriend and I recently bought a house together; an older 1950s house that is in decent condition and we decided to renovate it throughout the next few years. The first thing we wanted to do was rip up the old vinyl tile and stain the concrete underneath in the kitchen - about 250 sqft. Turns out, it was old asbestos tile which we had to CAREFULLY remove, and a layer of regular 1970s vinyl. What was underneath was a black, thick mess of mastic that we have been fighting with for weeks to bring up with nasty chemicals. I work full time and I have 9 hours of graduate school (full time). I work longer hours than she does and i finally told her i think it would be easier if we just etched the concrete (so the grout would bond) and lay tile instead. But no, she wants the stained concrete. This one weekend project is now going on four weeks and we are set to move into the house next Monday. WHen I told her I wanted to resort to Plan B and install the tile rather than proceed with the nasty work, she would not hear of it. It's not because I do not want what she wants, but I am afraid our NEWLY refinished hardwood floors will get ruined with us and our movers tracking the black mastic residue throughout the house. We have dumped some serious money on upgrading the floors this house, not to mention HARD laborious work ever single weekend the past month removing the mastic. I would not care so much if I didn't have 3 midterms to deal with right now, but time is cutting close. So this past weekend she says she will go out there every day and "turn the kitchen around" since it's what she really wants. Yet, she has spent the last 2 days coming home and sleeping, and then going out and spending 3 hours picking out different locks for the house, looking at garden stuff, etc etc. Aka stuff I really don't think is a priority with us MOVING in less than a week.

Am I being high strung? If she wasn't going to get anything accomplished and be lazy about it, I'd rather her be upfront and give a little with the tile situation. Otherwise it's like she won't do a damn thing unless I am present (I'm a woman also). Is there some other way for me to approach her with this? I just don't want the house we put so much of our hard earned money into get ruined by crappy priorities and laziness. Or if she DID want me to be there every second to help her lift the mastic, that is fine, but why make empty promises? I have cleared almost 3/4 of that mastic myself, I don't see the big deal with her just going in and doing some touch up until the weekend!!! Thanks in advance.

Why am I suddenly having these dreams?

kleenkat — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:31:39 -0800

Why have I suddenly started to dream about other women? Here is some background info... I am not married but in a long term relationship with another woman for about a year and a half. (I am also a chick). We recently purchased a house together and will be moving next month. Also, I just turned 29 and my parents recently divorced this year after 30 years of marriage. I have dreams about random stuff like this maybe a couple times a year, not often. BUT, in the past three nights alone I have had dreams with consecutive themes-- I am with another woman, or cheating on my girlfriend, or she simply does not exist.

The first dream I had reunited with an ex, my first "love" and real relationship, so to speak who I was with for three years and also have had unresolved issues with for the past couple of years since we split. I have since moved on but from time to time get nostalgic and/or have dreams. This dream was one of intense love.. I remember embracing my ex and saying "Please don't do anything crazy until I'm done with this semester of school" (I'm finished grad school). I am having a hard time with school, work, and remodeling our house right now I guess is why I said that. but in my dream, I felt so much love and my current girlfriend didn't exist.

The second dream was with some "weird" girl who was kind of hippy or bohemian, I didn't know her, and we just had a weird sexual relationship/friendship. She shared a house with a bunch of weird people, etc. I don't know. Again my current girlfriend wasn't present.

The third dream was about a girl in my class who honestly I had not even thought about since the 1st day of class. I just remember thinking, "man I am old" since it was an undergrad and the class had both undergrads and graduates. Not attracted to this girl in real life, and I don't think we have even spoken. But in my dream, we had a really awesome friendship and relationship and the sex was amazing. She had so much spunk (again I dont know this girl at all) and was really fun to be around. I kept telling her something like, "I can't do this, blahblahblah, my girlfriend" ...then I got really frightened she was going to blab about our affair to my current girlfriend. anyway I woke up and was like, WTF?

Why am I having all these dreams about other women.... maybe sometimes I think my girlfriend is not very fun or very spontaneous, but, I do love her very much and she is funny. The sex is OK. We are very compatable as mates, and after the whole thing with my parents, and since I was very young, I've always questioned the reality of "love" and the assignments to the word.... I ask myself all the time if it is real, have I have been "in" love, etc. But I think I just suffer from the "grass is greener" syndrome. I am happy with her, I think I may just be ready to get out of this small apartment, and done with the hectic semester. Oh, and quit dreaming about other women because it makes me feel like I missed out on something, but that may be wrong of me to thing/feel. What do you think? TIA...

Men: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's fuck!) Women: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's be friends!)

Eleutherios — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:11 -0800

Previously dated men, now wants to date women. Problem: I can't tell when women are interested in me or if they just want to be friends. I seem to be pretty good in picking up on clues that a man is sexually interested in me, women not so much.

I've had scenerios show up over and over with men and women:

-Being stared at in a bar/party/club
-Being told that I'm attractive/sexy
-Being messaged on online dating sites
-Having a friend of their's introduce me ("Hey are you single? If yes, my friend would like to meet you!)
-Someone inviting me over their house to fix dinner for me
-Being grinded on the dance floor

Whenever men show the above behaviors, it almost always leads up to them wanting to pursue a relationship and/or have sex with me. I've always reject those advances, because I'm not sexually attracted to men, eventhough I pretended to be for a while. I was in a few relationships with men, but they were sexless.

Whenever women show the above behaviors I get a different result. Unlike with the guys, I don't show coolness when women act like that around me, I actually turn up the heat. Once I show my attraction, I'm told that they are looking for friendship and not anything more. That's if I'm lucky, there were a few occasions where women just walked away from me.

This has caused me a lot of frustration and confusion, the fact that the very same behaviors has led to very different outcomes, depending on the gender involved. To add to the confusion, whenever I show those above behaviors, I am definately sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I would never invite a woman over to my house (knowing that we are both lesbians) to cook for her, if I wasn't trying to have sex with her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. It would just be awkward.

I've been told that I think a lot like a guy, so I think this is messing up my perception a bit. For those who date women, regardless of your gender, how do I tell the difference between friendly interest and sexual interest? Please help a woman who's new to this scene.

Why Did He Bring His Girlfriend On a Date With Me?

aabbbiee — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:37:59 -0800

Online-dating filter: Should I confront him about bringing his girlfriend on what I thought was a date, or just let it all go? I am female, 31, and I've just started dating again after my shitty marriage ended. I've had a few dates in the past few weeks, and I'm getting more confident and laid-back about the whole thing. I'm not looking for anything really serious.

About 3-4 weeks ago, a guy emailed me on a popular online dating website. We chatted for a couple of weeks in email. He seemed nice. He asked me to dinner, and that went well. At the end, I said, "This was fun. Do you want to do it again?" He said, "Sure, yes," and sounded like he meant it. Then he followed up by saying that he had been kind of seeing another person for a week and a half.
By my calculations, he'd asked me to dinner since he'd started seeing this other person, which said to me that they weren't serious. I said, "Well, whatever, we can be casual. Honesty is good." Blah blah blah. I might have said something about being friends, but really I totally got the impression that he liked me and I liked him, and maybe he wanted to just date around a little, be casual, and that was all fine with me. We are both slightly nerdy, with reserved, quiet dispositions, and we were having a great conversation with a lot of laughing.
He emailed me immediately the next day and talked about getting lunch again the next week (which was last week). We exchanged numbers, real email addresses, etc. Funny, flirty emails ensued over the next few days. In addition to lunch, we talked about going to an afternoon event on the weekend (this past weekend). He said that there are other people at his work that were interested in that event, and maybe there'd be a group or something. We met up for lunch on Thursday as we had planned, and that went well. He talked generally about the weekend event and that one of his coworkers in particular would probably attend with us. I thought that was fine, no big deal, sounds like fun. On Friday afternoon, he emailed me to ask if I want to see a movie that same afternoon and said this same coworker might want to see it too. He namechecked her for the first time. I said, yes, great.

I met up with him and this coworker for the movie and then we ate a very casual dinner afterwards. I thought they were just friends and coworkers, but it dawned on me that this is the girl he'd been seeing for the past few weeks. She referred to him in a very familiar way, and she put her hand on his thigh. After dinner, we headed back to the cars and they were obviously leaving together. He mentioned the weekend event plans, and she was the only other person coming to it with him (and me). I was more than a little crushed because I like him.
When we met to go to the event on Sunday, they arrived together. She obviously thought that she's dating this guy. She was touching him, using the word "we", commenting on what they did together the previous day. It sounded like they have been dating for months, but she was still in the touchy-feely honeymoony phase. He was hard to read and did not touch her like she touched him. I was friendly and acted normally, but I was totally uncomfortable and felt like a third wheel.

For no good reason, I like him. He doesn't seem to be as cruel or manipulative as it sounds on paper, just probably oblivious. He is late 30s. (She is probably early 20s, but I don't think that's a factor.) To be clear, he and I were just flirting with some extended eye contact, etc., but we never actually touched. But I know flirting and I know chemistry and I know what a fucking date is.
Meanwhile, he is still on the dating site. His profile is active. He is listed as single. He instigated the conversation and dates, though I was an active part of the planning and conversation- I'm just saying, he was proactive with me and not just reactive.

So. Should I just walk away without explanation, or should I confront him about this and ask him what the hell he was thinking by inviting me to events with someone who clearly considers herself his girlfriend? I can't think of any logical explanation for his behavior, but I'm (for no good reason) willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Please remember, none of us are confrontational people, so demanding an explanation would be a big deal for me. I don't want to confront him by email, and I really hate talking on the phone. He mentioned seeing me again when we left after the event, so if that did transpire, I could potentially agree and then use that to confront him, but it would totally stress me out.

God, I feel like a moron, but I don't know what lesson to learn here. WTF?

I want you, I want to be you -- help?

jikeda — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 03:47:10 -0800

I'm 25 years old, male, attracted to women. I have some funny fetishes, and there is something called "autogynephilia", love of oneself as a woman, that I'm pretty sure applies to me. What kind of woman can I get into a relationship with who would be understanding? As a young kid, 5-10 years old, I discovered that certain types of clothing gave me an immense amount of pleasure. These were things that were particularly tight, often thick, and encompassing when I put them on, like furry costumes, fleece jackets, and spandex. I remember laying in bed at night, feeling these funny sort of waves of ecstasy, imagining what it would be like to put on a thick dog costume that fully hugged my body.

When I was 12 or 13, girls started looking really cute. The idea of being with a girl seemed like an awesome one, and naturally I got into a few relationships in junior high and high school. In these relationships though, I'd become deeply attached to the girl I was with, see her as the most perfect thing in the entire world, and basically lose all self confidence, seeing myself as ugly, disgusting, and flawed. My insecurities would inevitably cause the relationship to implode.

During these relationships I always kept hidden my clothing fetish, which never went away. In private I would put on fleece winter jackets, women's bathing suits, and ski masks. When I was 14 or 15, I started feeling a new physical urge -- the urge to be penetrated. I began experimenting in the shower with various small household objects. I found a strange new pleasure in doing this.

As relationships moved past kissing and into more advanced territory, I had a problem. My libido was very fickle: sometimes I'd be turned on and able to enjoy the moment, but often I'd just be thinking too much, going through the motions, and worrying about my performance. In these moments, I'd be totally unfeeling, as if my libido had gone numb. In college, when sex became even more central to the relationships I was in, this numbness became the core of my insecurity. (I dated a girl named Sarah my senior year in college. She was very comfortable with her sexuality, which, given my erectile difficulties, made me feel constantly inadequate. I became so desperate to please her that I secretly took Cialis every day to ensure I'd always be ready.)

It was during college that I noticed a final facet of my sexuality: I was actually jealous of the girls I was with. I wanted to be so attractive, I wanted to wear those tight clothes, I wanted to be the one who was penetrated. (To stay turned on during sex with Sarah, I once imagined myself as the one being penetrated... and oddly, it worked.) It killed me to see all the attention that my girlfriends would get, though I'd always do my best to hide those feelings.

It's been a long journey of trying to figure out and deal with this odd gender/sexual configuration that I seem to have. If I could suddenly totally transform myself entirely into a cute girl, I would probably do that, but I look as masculine as the next guy, and I'm OK with how I look, so I have no interest in becoming female. Though I often fantasize about being penetrated and playing a submissive sexual role, I am not physically attracted to men and have no interest in being with one. I am, I guess, a heterosexual guy. I'm most comfortable dressing and acting like one too.

I am now well into the adult phase of my life and sex is becoming less important as I grow older. What I really want and miss is having the intimacy and companionship of a fun and understanding woman who I also find attractive. I also hope to get married some day and, with the right woman, would love to have kids.

Can anyone identify with any of this? What kind of girl should I look for who could understand and accept this? How do I meet her?

Is the girlfriend too sensitive?

wv kay in ga — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 21:33:22 -0800

Why wasn't I invited on this fishing trip? So let's just say I have a boyfriend who planned a fishing trip with one of his good friends he used to work with and sold his boat to. (Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition, so what?) And let's just say that I told him, sincerely, he should go fishing with his friend and have a good time. Imagine that I said I wish I could go because I love to fish as well, but I understand how guys just need to be with the guys sometimes. No problem, right? So let's imagine that the boyfriend calls his daughter and invites her and her fiance to go fishing with him and his good friend. Should the girlfriend have her feelings hurt or is she just being too sensitive? (I am 53 years old and I should know better, but this kinda chaps my ass.)

It's all about YOU.

Seppaku — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 17:52:31 -0800

2 weeks out from my wedding, and future mother-in-law is creating drama about future father-in-law's partner, who is roundly despised by all involved. I'm a bride 2 weeks out from my wedding, which is happening on the opposite coast. As one might expect, I have plenty of little details to take care of before flying out in a little more than a week.

FMIL is awesome and I love her. FMIL and FFIL's marriage was broken up by an evil, life-draining harpy (ELDH), who was FMIL's friend at one point. FFIL realizes he made a mistake, and has never married the ELDH.

ELDH is a real bitch. She's passive aggressive when sober, openly aggressive when not. Out of courtesy to FFIL, she is invited to the wedding. I plan to ignore her. FMIL's stated plan was to ignore her. ELDH is not going to ruin my wedding. However, now it seems like FMIL is going to let her relationship with ELDH create awkwardness.

FMIL and FFIL, respectively, are arranging / paying for the rehearsal dinner, a 40-person catered affair in the yard of our rental house. I had planned the seating arrangements so that bride, groom, moms, dads, partners, sibling would be sitting together at a table. The rehearsal dinner, in my mind, is an icebreaking affair where the important people in the lives of the bride and groom are able to mingle. Our parents have not all met prior to the wedding.

This is what I received from FMIL on the subject:

I don't wish to put a wrench in your plans, however, I was unaware you were having a seating plan for the pre-wedding dinner. I am hosting this party and won't be sitting with ELDH. I thought I made myself clear about our experience after baby N's birth. I don't bend in this direction anymore. I would prefer to sit with my sisters, my son N & family and K's family.

I will not be sitting with ELDH. If you go back in the emails,you will find my clear and present statement on this subject. ELDH can sit at "table #1 "- I won't be there. Everyone is used to me just sucking it up , sorry if it rocks the boat. I have spent too many years trying to not cause a problem for my children , now they are old enough to to realize that sometimes what they ask is too much.

This not only screws my plans for seating, meaning I'll have to spend time juggling everyone so that she can sit where she wants, but it screws me and FH into sitting with the Evil Life Draining Harpy. Without the buffer of FMIL, her partner, her son and his wife. Talk about a bad time!

Not only that, but this makes me think that the WHOLE WEEKEND is going to be awkward because of how FMIL dramatizes her relationship with ELDH.

I don't have time to worry about this, and she needs to get over herself. Or she doesn't, but then she's going to create unnecessary drama at her son's wedding. But how to tell her this? Right now, I'm thinking twice and saying nothing. But the wedding is in 2 weeks!

How do I handle my FMIL? Her anxiety and drama are really whipping me up into a frenzy.

How do I handle the ELDH? She is guaranteed to drink too much and say something rude. Can't I just un-invite her?

How do I cope with my grieving Mom?

Monsters — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 11:41:18 -0800

My mother's grief is overwhelming me. How do I keep my cool? My Dad died in late December of last year. I am my mom's only kid in the same city (I have a sibling but she lives on the west coast; I'm in the midwest). For the past 9 months my mom's grief has draped across my life and I don't think I can cope anymore.

I'm in the second year of a Masters program and am planning to go on to a PhD. So this is a very busy time- I have to take standardized tests, apply to and visit potential PhD programs, and (oh yeah) write a thesis. This is on top of regular coursework and the 20-hour-a-week research assistantship that pays for my tuition.

I love my mom and we've always had a pretty great, close relationship. But her grief is overwhelming me. I try to call her daily and see her at least once a week, give her lots of support and make sure she is looking after herself. Every few months or so she calls me demanding that I drop everything and drive 45 minutes to her house to hug her. The most stressful part of this is that I have my own grief- but in order to be emotionally strong enough to support my mom in her grief I distance myself from my own grief about the death of my dad, who was my hero.

I've told my mom she needs professional help and found her the number of a psychologist who specializes in traumatic grief right down the street from her house. She hasn't made an appointment.

I try to be as supportive as possible, but my patience is wearing thin. More and more I find myself lashing out at her when she calls me in tears, asking that I drop everything and go to her house to take care of her. That isn't the kind of daughter I want to be- this woman raised me and I owe her better than I've been giving lately. How do I manage my frustration when I'm with my mom so I can give her the support she obviously deeply needs?

I'm caught up in love, he's now holding back so how can I maintain my cool?

InterestedInKnowing — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:32:17 -0800

So I've been dating this really cool gentlemen for 2 months. We are taking things slow but I find myself getting caught up with him. This is a problem. It's a problem because now he's holding back a bit whereas he was stronger in pursuing me before. Can anyone share advice as to how I can keep my cool so he doesnt become disinterested? Also, how will I know when a man has become disinterested? I'm rambling, sorry but when i become infatuated or "in love" I can't think straight and I lose my sense of self. Save this poor girl from herself. Ha!

Are mix tapes old hat or alive and kicking?

animerion — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 05:41:03 -0800

Are mix tapes (Mix CDs, online playlists et al) still relevant? Yesterday evening I was watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and it made me wonder if the concept of song compilations for the purpose of conveying one's feelings for another is still relevant. If so, at what stage of a relationship is it appropriate to present the recipient with said mix?

How do I proceed without alienating him?

animerion — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 14:51:06 -0800

Should I be content with just being friends, or should I push more? Hi everyone,

A few weeks ago, while out with a friend, I met a guy that he works with for drinks. We all had a good time, and I was almost instantly into this guy.

Since that even I have thought about this person quite a bit so I found him on Facebook (how high school, I know) and added him just mentioning we all hung out and such. He replied that he'd been trying to stalk me but there are a lot of people on Facebook with my first name and he didn't have my full name. So I got the add and proceeded to ask him he wanted to grab a drink some time. He accepted.

Earlier this week we went out, chatted for a few hours over several pints and dinner and proceeded to exchange our numbers and such. We chat on IM at work and text in the evenings (he's not much of a phone talker). I mentioned to him that I had a good time and suggested that we did it again and now I'm under the impression that that he's looking for friend because he responded that "he's always game for beer" and would like me to join his friends in activities and such. Which is cool, as I don't really have too many friend around here, but I was under the impressions this would lead to something that wasn't strictly platonic. Am I just being impatient? I tend to over-think, well, everything so I'm pretty much going in circles on this one. Any thoughts would be helpful.

What is a normal length for a honeymoon period?

dmbfan93 — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 10:51:38 -0800

In your experience, what is the average normal length of time a couple is in a honeymoon period before they transition to the normal day to day getting to know you phase of a relationship period? I'm looking for personal anecdotes, tell me what your experience has been. I know there is no one perfect answer out there, I'm just trying to figure out if this is a relationship I should pursue if I'm feeling like its only been two months and perhaps that period is over (or it never really began because he's really difficult to communicate with). I enjoy this person's company tremendously, we do a lot of activities together, however, we don't spend a lot of time just talking. We don't spend much time even fooling around, even though the attraction is there and its palpable. He avoids intimacy. How do I coax him out of his shell?

Grad-school, relationships, and geography... can all three work?

DeucesHigh — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 09:55:42 -0800

Grad-school, med school, residency match, geography...help? [For the TL;DR shortcut to the most important question, skip to Paragraph 4]

So in the fall of '10, myself and ms. deuceshigh will by simultaneously applying for graduate school -- medical for me, and Ph.D. psychology for her. No problem so far, as we'll be coordinating our (numerous) applications, and be able to at least match cities for the subsequent 4 years. And if that doesn't work out, at least we'll know right away, before either of us starts.

The problem will be 4 years later, the binding Match for medical residency. For those who aren't familiar, basically the med student applies to all the residency programs they could see attending, and rank them. The schools do the same for all of their applicants, and then the lists are compared to give residency assignments, which are binding. There are provisions for *medical school* couples to be matched together, but obviously that isn't the case here. The only way to get out of your match is serious hardship (a dying parent, or the like), so for all intents and purposes, you go where you're matched. So, 4 years down the road, I will be heading to a residency that -- while not totally random -- involves a great deal less choice than we've had before. She will still be in her Ph.D. program, with 3 years remaining, and presumably won't be able to move.

So I guess this is a multi-parted question. Is there anything about the Match that I'm not taking into account? Is it feasible to seed the top of my list with all the schools in the same city as her Ph.D. program, with any chance of ending up at any of them? [yes, I guess that can't really be answered without knowing my exact future situation, but maybe in general terms]. Would I be hurting my career to go to a lesser-ranked residency, in order to stay in a particular geographical area?

On the other hand, has anyone taken a 3-year break during a Ph.D. program, or is that a terrible idea? In her opinion, that would be the preferable choice over delaying the residency, so she'd like to hear peoples' experiences with taking time off. Did you have trouble returning? Is it easily doable at some schools, and a literal impossibility at others? Does it entirely depend on the department and advisor? Do many people have kids during that time, and if so, is it realistic to expect to return and finish the program?

We've had the long-distance-relationship talks, but for the purposes of this question, assume the option is not on the table.

Success stories from or about people in a relationship with someone who appears to struggle with loneliness, anxiety and introversion?

ninotchka — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 18:55:44 -0800

I'm looking for some success stories from or about people in a relationship with someone who appears to struggle with loneliness, anxiety and introversion. Can it be done? The intro: I've been in a relationship for some time with a man whom I believe I love, and who I believe loves me. However, I’m about to set off on something of a long trip (nine months), and am concerned that this may be a make-it-or-break-it-point (prior separations haven’t gone so well).

The pros of our relationship: He’s brilliant and funny. When we have good banter, it glows; and I feel that we have each other’s confidence. He is fair-minded and overwhelmingly just: I’ve often been as delighted by his innate sense of what’s right as I have by his wit and wisdom. He’s handsome, he’s savvy, he’s ferociously disciplined. He’s a good man.

The rough patches: Of course, there’s the usual stress of any relationship – but what I refer to here is something more – something different. He rarely touches me (unless I reach out to him first), and appears anxious a great deal of the time. I take on faith that he’s attracted to me, but…it’s mostly on faith at this point. Generally (and in past relationships) I feel fairly good about my appearance and attractiveness - but lately, that seems to crumble with him. He seems delighted, really thrilled when I touch him or reach out to him – but increasingly, it feels one-sided, and I feel more and more distant as a result. I often resent the “expectation” that I should be the one to reach out – resentment that is neither warranted nor helpful. You can see, here, the makings of an unfortunate cycle.

Calling Grandma: He sometimes shows real trouble with a few kinds of basic “human interactions.” Speaking about everyday topics is fine for him, but speaking about anything close to his heart can render him silence for four to five minutes at a time as he clearly struggles to have something to say (usually this will end in “I don’t know.”) Making a routine phone call to a family member, for example - where there’s no reason to expect that anything bad will come of it - can bring him to tears. On the whole, it seems like the “tap” is closed most of the time, and occasionally, when it opens, it is a torrential flow.

Self-consciousness?: In rare moments, he’ll let on what sound like fears of being criticized or rejected - and I think he sees himself as being very lonely. I’ve seen him endure what I’m reluctant to label “panic attacks” on numerous occasions – which by his description appear to be brought on by something akin to an extreme form of self-consciousness. Indeed, he seems tremendously self-conscious much of the time, to the point of being self-involved. I mean this with all candor and no recrimination – and I swear, I don’t take it personally anymore - but I no longer expect or hope for him to ask me about my feelings, thoughts or reactions, particularly within the context of the relationship.

A caveat: Having been in several relationships, I'm positive this isn't just a classic gender breakdown (and I do acknowledge that gender can and probably does play a role). And I freely acknowledge that I have all the foibles you can imagine – I am more often than not proud, willful and hot-tempered (to name a few). My pride, particularly, has led me to be stung by his words and actions at times when my energies would have been much better spent mending fences. If this were about blame, I'd have more than my fair share. But, I promise, what I describe here isn’t at all about blame – it’s about a real concern that there’s no way to make this work in the long-term.

The wrap-up: I want very much to make him happy, but I worry that not only can I not make him happy, I can’t make myself happy in this relationship either. In a nutshell: he shows great restraint with me, and me, I push him. I worry that my behavior makes him feel like he’s under attack, and I know that his hands-off approach (both literally and figuratively) makes me feel desperately lonely.

Dear reader: Have you been in a relationship with someone who sounds a bit like this - or do you know someone who has? How do you make it work? I'm willing to put in the effort - but I need help. And at some level - petty as this may sound - I suppose that I need to know I'm not the only one out there.

One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me...

cobain_angel — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:24:57 -0800

Help me go back to being a happy girl. Here it goes. This may get long, so please bear with me.

I'd always been a very bright and cheerful person who pretty much walked through the pains of life with a smile on my face. I was always convinced that anything I'd need from life I would get by means of working hard to get it. To me, nothing was impossible. This attitude about life took me through a stressful childhood (alcoholism, abuse), a move to a different country (the US), learning the new language (English!) in six months or so, and dealing with complicated situations at home (same situations as childhood). I was always eccentric (a good friend of mine referred to me once as "insane, but in a good way"), artistic, and willing to try all sorts of new things. Two years ago I met a wonderful young man and we embarked in what has truly been the best relationship I have ever had.
All of this changed last summer. I was preparing to go to a college I'd been wanting to go to for a while. I got accepted and so did my boyfriend. We were ecstatic and everything was ready. However, due to a completely unexpected problem with banking bureaucracy over in Mexico (my home country) I was left unable to attend the college I wanted. This shattered my confidence; for the first time, I was forced to face the fact that there were some things that I just was unable to change. I was able to pull myself together well enough to register for the city's community college in time, while my boyfriend would attend "our" college by himself three hours away. I was completely devastated, and felt betrayed by my boyfriend. Though he was sad, it was an exciting experience for him. I felt abandoned and needed him very much, but also understood that going to college was important and that he wasn't abandoning me. He was as supportive as he could and made sure that I always had an outlet to my frustrations. We talked every day, and tried to keep things as happy as we could without stifling any emotions.
As the months passed, I went from being the girl described above to being a lonely, sad person. I stopped trying out new things and enjoying the things I used to love before. I went from not having enough hours in the day to do what I wanted to spending afternoons sitting on my couch doing nothing at all. My muses for painting, drawing, writing and crafting went dead. Even though my boyfriend visited practically every week, I stopped being the affectionate, fiery girlfriend I used to be and barely even kissed or touched my boyfriend; our sex lives pretty much disappeared. I felt unable to take on any relatively big tasks, feeling that I wasn't in control of my life. The only thing that I was able to do well was keep my grades up.
Now the school year is over and my boyfriend is back from college. He found it disappointing and regrets it, no doubt in part because of me. Our relationship feels damaged. We don't fight, and we are still very loving and caring with each other. But he misses the girlfriend he left behind. I am very sad with the way I have become, but I have no idea of what to do to go back to being the same girl I used to be. What can I do?

me: "Hi!" you: "Hello" me: "um.." you: "...." me: "..." -> infinity

wiretap — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:16:09 -0800

How do I stop acting like a complete weirdo? It freaks people out, which freaks me out, which freaks them out more on and on in an infinite cycle. In many situations I seem to cause a lot of tension and nervousness/awkwardness to the people around me. I sincerely don't mean to but I'm not sure what to say/do or how to behave to put people at ease.

Some background and examples:

First of all, I've always been shy and introverted and have had issues giving off "mean" vibes growing up due to rarely smiling, and basically being that weird kid that everyone wonders what happens to after high school. I've had tremendous trouble making and keeping friends my whole life (while there is no shortage of people who are friendly to me, in the long run most people can't stand to be around me too often without being severely annoyed). In my early 20's I finally learned how to be a little more friendly and smile more and have obtained a large handful of acquaintances, but still have difficulty creating any sort of close intimate friendships.

I realize this is due to the way I act; there are many social rules I'm only learning now through the power of the internet. Sometimes I read about certain unacceptable behaviors and suddenly realize why entire groups of people have frozen me out of their lives in the past.

I've learned to dress more flatteringly, and apply makeup and style my hair, so at least I appear to be a normal person at first, but then once people start talking to me I say and do things (and probably have weird body language) that creeps people out. Examples:

When I see people I know I blurt out "Hi!" to them, which creates some sort of awkward moment. Usually they make an uncomfortable face and say "hi" back, but seem pretty weirded out regardless. I usually smile and if they're a little far away I'll throw in a wave which makes people even more uncomfortable, and sometimes they nervously laugh or look away. It seems rude not to say hi to them, but is there a different way to greet people that won't freak them out? This happens extremely often and makes me feel embarrassed and sort of sad. Am I being too enthusiastic?
Any place I go to get my hair or nails done I struggle to make small talk with the person doing my hair or nails. I'll laugh too much at small things (mostly out of nervousness) and smile a lot (too much) and not have anything interesting to talk about, then the remainder of the appointment is conducted in mostly silence. The hair stylist/manicurists are always nice to me but seem extremely relieved when I leave.
My "closer" friends aren't afraid to crack jokes around me, but I never have any funny things to say in response. I usually just laugh the whole time, and then they get irritated that I'm laughing too much. I have no clue how to spontaneously make funny observations (when I do, nobody laughs). Sometimes they get so exasperated that they start to pretend that I am no longer there.
I've never had a romantic relationship, ever. Guys have expressed interest but recoil once they get to know me a bit better. Unless I have something specific reason to speak, I am terrible to talk to on the phone and in real life. My conversations have a lot of long, awkward pauses for which I have nothing to relieve with a joke or anything at all.
I especially freak out mid/upper class and highly educated people. If I'm with my sister they're very receptive around her but alone, they try to avoid me. Admittedly, I start to get more nervous when I realize my presence is making other people uncomfortable which makes me even more nervous which makes THEM more nervous, etc.

I'm awkward! This is not normal human behavior. It annoys everyone and it's affecting my social life, my professional life, everything. I get the same reactions around my family as well.

How do I even begin to stop being so weird?

Help me unsmoosh my heart (and my ego).

ohyouknow — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:14:47 -0800

My heart just got smooshed, and then I woke up to this on my iGoogle page. Can you help me keep the hobgoblins of my mind at bay today? I know it's okay to still be a single woman in my mid-30's, and 98% of the time I'm happy and grateful for the many things that are good in my life. Today is another story. Do you have any stats or links to help me shut my mind up, to counteract feeling like a bit of a loser for being that 12% that hasn't found the love of her life yet?

FWIW in terms of statistics, I'm living in a major metropolitan city, I have a post-graduate degree, I'm white, and I'm not unattractive. (Though sometimes that last point feels does not feel relevant or helpful at all in this department because I tend to attract/be most attracted to players...but that's a different matter.)

Bottom line is, I'm just feeling a little blue today. I know that it's not the end of the world, my whole purpose in life is not to get married, and I do enjoy my single life very much. But it is also true that I really enjoy that feeling of clicking with someone, of being in love, of feeling understood. And yes, I'm starting to crave someone I can share those feelings with for the rest of my life. Thanks in advance helpful interweb people!

Family and Business

Gravitus — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 12:06:51 -0800

Working in Family Business. What would you consider that "line" where you are no longer dealing with a family member but a co-worker, boss, etc.. I work in the family business. There are 4 family members actively involved in the company to varying degrees. Some of problems I am having:

One of the duties that I take care of is the entire network from web servers to work stations. Employee A(non family) seems to think it's okay to use her workstation as her personal computer. She is constantly installing crapware on her machine, printing coupons, browsing sites unrelated to work, quarking up her machine because of this and then complaining that I fix it. I had put some policies in place on her workstation to stop this but was asked by Employee B (family) to remove them so that Employee A could visit a particular site or run some stupid program that wasn't needed at work. I explained why this was a bad idea but got over-ruled. Now I have to fix employee A's machine every other day for some stupid problem she caused.

I constantly get volunteered to do things for Employer C(family) extended business associates. Things like fix their computers for them, or show them how to build a website!!!!! ugggg :( ...or help them train their employees in inventory control. All of this is being asked to be done after hours. I am not being paid to do this. When I say no or make up an excuse as to why I can't do this, I feel the repercussions for weeks afterward to the tune of completely being shut out of anything, family or business related.

I have a whole laundry list of items similar in nature to the two others I posted. That would take forever though.

The rub in this whole equation is that I am being exposed to a far broader range of functions within a business than I would normally get anywhere else. I work with the finances, inventory purchasing and controls, marketing, logistics, sales, international supply chain, etc... I have a degree in business management so I know the concepts and applications. Just doing them real world leads to a greater understanding in many cases. However, I just want to choke the living shit out of my family in the process and can see it affecting our personal relationships.

My question is what would someone reasonably expect from family members in a business setting before you must think of yourself? Had I known this is how it would be, I would have never left my old job making more money, working less hours and seemingly being respected by my peers to a greater extent. On that note I don't easily quit things. I am fairly thick skinned and can deal with a lot before I walk away. That isn't necessarily a good thing all of the time though.

A side not: It's kind of sad learning some of these things about family members. For instance, Employer C prefers to have a yes man by his side. I equate yes men to ass kissers, so now I respect Employer C far less than I previously did because he rather have his ass kissed then get good advice. Employee B is non-confrontational to the point of letting people walk over them, this only occurs with non-family members though. I never hung out with this family member outside of family functions so this was very bizarre seeing for the first time.

Help me see that line where I walk away.

What is a "successful" relationship

pauldonato — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:16:40 -0800

How do you define "success" in relationships? I think I'm hung up on how my previous relationships went that I'm too scared to form new ones.

Is success defined in relationships based on whether neither party regrets having gotten in it? Or is it based on whether both parties behaved honestly with good intentions? It obviously can't be based on whether either party got hurt, because then that means most people are inevitably going to be failures.

Here's the cases that are bugging me...

Two cases where she got hurt:

- My first girlfriend (Sr. year of High School) fell in love with me, then I broke up with her, then we kept sleeping together, and then I told her that we had to stop, and then she got depressed and had to take Zoloft

- My first girlfriend after college fell in love with me, then I broke up with her. We were very passionate and close together, and her best friend (who was also a good friend of mine at the time), really got on my case for "leading her on."

Two cases where I got hurt:

- I dated my next door neighbor in my freshman year dorm, but I felt soo insecure around her, and I was so paranoid anytime she'd show any kind gesture to any of my other dormmates. After she broke it off with me, I became really neurotic about her, and obsessed about her the following summer, especially when some of my former friends/dormmates were visiting her during the summer.

- I dated someone recently who always went hot and cold, and she drove me into insane neuroses that were hard to shake off. It was so hard that I got physically ill, and I broke it off because I couldn't stand how aloof and emotionally unavailable she was. Afterwards, I kept thinking about her and got really angry with her for months.

In these four cases, I've come away with a really strong feeling that I fucked up majorly somehow. In the cases where she got hurt, I imagine the tears in her eyes and hear the message, "Why the fuck did you do this to me?? And don't you dare do this to anybody else." And from the cases where I got hurt, I get the strong message from myself, "What the fuck did you get yourself into?? Don't you dare do that again."

I feel that people around me don't blame themselves as hard, and see relationships as learning experiences like trial-and-error. I also kind of view them skeptically, like they're being irresponsible, by only being into a relationship for what it affords them now, and not even realistically considering whether they see themselves with this person forever.

Is there some perspective I'm missing? How can people feel good being in relationships knowing that they inevitably end (given divorce rates and how long we're living anyway)?

Best practices for seducing someone after having the "just friends" talk

Jacen Solo — Tue, 26 May 2009 16:48:16 -0800

I met this girl, and we were sorta-dating for a couple of weeks, before eventually she decided she wasn't up for dating anyone at the moment and we had the "just friends" talk. I'm fine with that, but would like AMF's advice on best practices for making her have second thoughts. This is less of a bad idea than it might seem, I promise. So about a month ago, I met this girl at a party (at school; we both go to the same college). We ended up flirting pretty heavily, and over the next couple of weeks things progressed positively. While we never "officially" got into a relationship, there was lots of making out (and a bit beyond), a few dates, lots of IM-flirtation, she slept over a couple of times, etc. And we connect really well with each other; not only is the "chemistry" there, but we both ended up sharing a lot of pretty intimate details about our past experiences, family lives, life philosophies, and so on. Awesome, right?

After a these first couple of weeks, though, when it was starting to get to the "are we officially going out?" stage, she was giving mixed signals and backing out. The interesting part is why... and she was kind enough to explain this in some detail. The main factor seemed to be that she had only had "bad" relationships in the past, where she ended up dating the guy because she felt sorry for him, and the relationship ended up feeling like a chore instead of something wonderful. Since I was different—actually attractive and interesting, apparently—she wasn't sure what to do there, as I didn't fit into her paradigm for dating people and she was afraid she'd lose me as a cool friend. She also explained that she was afraid of falling in love too quickly (in the sense of becoming emotionally dependent on the other person's happiness), as she's done that in the past. And finally, there were some issues related to her recent problems with depression and how her mom disapproves.

So, about a week ago, we had the "just friends" talk. This actually went really well, and I'm happy with it—she is really cool, and a great person to have as a friend. The funny part is that, over the course of this talk, she was explaining things like how girls (in generality, apparently) often start crushing on good friends and warm up to a relationship over time, and how she'd like nothing better than to keep me "in the wings" reserved for when she feels ready for a relationship. Also highly amusing, I thought, was that soon after agreeing to be just friends, she was saying "wow, I feel like I could totally go see a movie with you now" and was making plans for doing things in the near future. (In fact, we have a fancy dinner-date soon... as "just friends.") But of course we both were in agreement that me waiting around was not such a great idea, and soon enough we were swapping thoughts about other girls.

Now, as far as I can tell, this definitely has the potential for developing over the longer term. I don't have one-itis; I'm not going to wait around for that—hell, I'm flirting with other girls left and right, now that I'm sure that I'm actually single. But I do really like this girl, and would like to accelerate the process wherein she reconsiders the "just friends" decision, as it seems pretty clear from the above that after she gets over some mental blocks, that's exactly what's going to happen... I'd just rather not wait around too long. So I turn to you, my dear readers, to help me out: what are the best practices for seducing someone back in this kind of situation? Things like... is mentioning/flirting with other girls around her likely to increase my status as a "catch," or is it just tactless? What kind of behaviors solidify the "hey he's really attractive, hmm, maybe that was a mistake" kind of thinking, as opposed to the "oh wow, I'm so glad we're just friends" kind of thinking? My cautious instincts are to back off and let her initiate anything, but my impression is that this actually would just degrade things. Or is this actually reasonable, in a sort of "make her miss me" kind of way? I'm asking for "best practices" instead of just "tips" since I'm also interested in how to approach this situation in a tactful, nice, and friendship-preserving way; it's not just a goal-oriented question.

Any more general advice on this situation would probably be welcome too. Thanks!

How to introduce kids to a new SO?

RajahKing — Thu, 14 May 2009 12:04:34 -0800

Tell me the best way to introduce my kid to new significant others. I am the father of a 3 and a half year old daughter, and I am separated from her mother.

We've been living in separate apartments for about six months, though the separation has been for more than a year. We live very close to each other and both see our daughter almost every day. Its an amicable separation, but as we each develop our lives more fully and have both been dating a little, I want to get ahead of the curve and get some advice on how one should go about introducing your kid to a new girlfriend or boyfriend.

Here are a few sub-questions on SO-Introduction Best Practices:
1. I have a lot of adult friends I introduce to my daughter; would I need to be more descriptive than this is a new "friend"?
2. How does the young age of my daughter effect this? Would we be more clear with an older child?
3. Do any kids of divorced parents remember their experiences with meeting a new SO?
4. Do you think that the fact we've only been living apart for six months would effect such an introduction? I don't see it happening too soon for either parent, but its definitely possible as we've both been dating.
5. Should we ask anything of the introduced SO? Should they act / not act a certain way?

Thank you so much, in advance.