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Is it depression and am I making it worse?

brisquette — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:10:57 -0800

Every night that he comes home and winds up browsing the internet for hours, I feel like I'm going to scream. Am I a nagging worrywort, is my boyfriend mildly depressed, or both? And what's the best way to work on it? My boyfriend (Charles) and I have lived together for about two and half years, since he moved to this state. We were thick as thieves to begin with, but as our relationship nicely mellowed we became more okay with not spending all of our time together. However, way back in January we had a discussion about how he needs to reach out and find his own community of some sort. He then had some dramatic medication-related mental health issues that pushed that goal to a back burner while we tangled with the craziness, but around middle of summer stuff felt like it was back to normal, and the lack of friends and interests became an issue.

I feel like Charles doesn't have any friends, really. There's one guy (Joe) who he chats with sometimes who shares a similar background (computer stuff, history, online gaming), but that guy has a freelance sort of web business and I get the impression that they could be closer buddies if Joe wasn't so busy.

I think part of the not-having-friends thing is rooted deeper in a lack of interests. Recently, it seems like unless I make something happen (plan dinner, arrange events), he won't do anything except be on the computer. I'm pretty sure he doesn't play WOW or anything anymore, and it's just random browsing and searches that he uses as a path of least resistance to his evenings.

The last couple of things we did with other people didn't seem to go that well. We went to a large dinner last weekend, and although I know he's not as chatty as I am, even when we were in a circle of three people whose conversation showed them to be funny, nerdy, and non-judgemental, Charles' answers to their questions were flat and monosyllabic, almost. A couple of friends we've hung out with several times were over at our house, and as one of them fixed our guitar (which Charles has talked about learning), Charles sat on the couch in the room, browsing the internet. Later, when our friend offered to teach him a chord, Charles said he was tired and wanted to go to bed.

It seems like it's rooted in a mild depression. He had a really bad experience with a psychiatrist and depression meds, so maybe that's why he doesn't want to admit it?

I just feel like he's not trying anymore. I brought it up a couple weeks ago when we were out (the only people tucked in the side room of a bar), and as I kept asking questions about what he wants to do and what he feels, he wound up getting totally upset and standing up and having a kind of aggressive freakout because I wouldn't let it drop. He was apologetic later and said he'd work on things, but hasn't shown too many signs of following up on the conversation. I've sent several e-mails where I've tried to outline things and not be too accusatory, so I'm not in his face as much and so it gives him time to think about it, but he hasn't responded to those.

When we wake up together in the mornings, he's usually sweet and loving, but by the time he gets home in the evening, or when I come home in the evening, he's usually withdrawn. I asked him about the difference between the two times, and he says he really only looks forward to going to bed, and why do I bother him so much? He only wants to do easy things, other stuff is too hard.

So that kind of sounds like depression, right? But I'm sure it can't help if I just nag about it and make him feel bad. But I'm sick and tired of going through ups and downs, especially when he denies that it's an issue.

The other night, I basically gave him three options.
1.) Move out in January and do his own lazy thing (we wouldn't need to be broken up, neccessarily, he just would need his own space to be in because he's driving me nuts).
2.) Agree there's a problem and set accountable behaviors for us to work on (me giving him space, him getting out of the house), and going though the Feel Good Handbook together.
3.) Agreeing there's a problem but that neither of us have the right tools to solve it, and calling in either a professional or someone we both respect to figure out how to solve things.

He hasn't responded yet.

I'm 26, he's 23. I'm relatively happy where I am (decent job, fledgling creative endeavors that seem to be going good places, pleasant enough rented home), he mostly seems lackluster and like he doesn't care about anything...except sometimes, on the days where he does care about things. Unfortunately it seems like caring about things needs follow through, so when you only care 2 days out of the week, it makes plans difficult.

So am I handling this right? What else should be happening, here? Is it fair to be this annoyed at someone who's probably depressed, because their constant web browsing and withdrawnness is bringing me down when I'm trying to work on my own creative projects and live a normal life? If he agrees to work on things, what should our parameters be?

That last talk.

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:44:51 -0800

How to go about the final talk, the post-mortem, if you will. I got dumped this week. I'd been seeing this girl for about 3 months, a co-worker. Pretty surprising, we had really good times together.

Anyways, we went out earlier in the week, the event we were going to happened to be sold out when we got there, so we went to a favorite bar to hang out. Had a good time, when she's dropping me off, before I get out of the car I get "I have to tell you, I'm getting back together with my ex, so I don't think we should be making out anymore."

I was a little drunk, and pretty caught off-guard by how she phrased this, thinking really? Your going to drop this on me as I get out of the car, after we'd just spent 3 hours having a good time hanging out. And I'm also thinking "Wait, what? we shouldn't be making out anymore? That's all this was?" It wasn't all this was, we were consistently going on dates and having great times. It wasn't just a "hey come on over to watch a movie" type of thing. So I stammered something out giving me some time, she asked for a hug, and then I went on my way.

Anyways, this stings. It hurts that in all the time we spent together, the way she ends it is kind of "By the way...", in passing. It also hurts realizing that I was just some guy she was making out with while she was waiting to get back together with her ex. I haven't met anyone I've gotten along with so well since I moved to my city three years ago, so I know this didn't last super-long, but I'm disappointed.

Since we work together (different departments, but we have to interact quite a bit, and she's close with my co-workers, who don't know we were seeing each other) and since she lives with a good friend of mine, I need to figure out how to be around her without feeling like crap.

I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, since I didn't want to leave things with me drunkenly stammering something, and that's that. I'm hurt, I want to calmly express that, because I don't think she really understands this. And I want to somehow convey that in the interim, I don't think we should try to be friends, and it might be best if she doesn't come down to my department to hang out, which she did the rest of the week at work, making me really uncomfortable, and again, feeling like crap.

Thoughts about how to go about this talk, how I should structure it, how to get the best results out of it (which would be me being able to move on in a healthy way) would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

How do I fix me?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:33:36 -0800

I feel like my life is over and I'm only 35. I feel completely stagnant and stuck, relationshipwise and jobwise. Do I need to change things or do I need to learn how to deal? Help me figure out how to be a happier person. Is there some Grand Unified Theory that explains all my problems? How do I fix me?

I'm a 35-year-old male who has dealt with lifelong anxiety. Two major things in my life right now have me in despair: my relationship and my job. Neither of these is awful; they are just blah. I can't see either of them improving. I feel like I'm too young to have a midlife crisis, but I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My life feels over. I feel like even if I change things, I'll become anxious and unhappy about something else. There are good things about my life, but I just do not know how to be content. Maybe deep down I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have been in therapy with different therapists on and off since I was 17. I've been seeing my current therapist for nearly 9 years, and I like her, and I have insights regularly, and she claims that I've changed for the better, but I still feel unhappy. I am a compulsive self-analyzer, but I can't seem to translate insights into actual change. Isn't the goal of therapy supposed to be to get to a point where you don't need therapy anymore?

I took meds (Celexa) for about 4 1/2 years. I never really felt like it solved things. I don't think I have depression -- I can function fine, I don't confine myself to bed, there are things I enjoy, I have genuine passion for life. It's just that life weighs heavily on me, and it always has.

I get frustrated and stressed out easily by little things in life. I have always worried about death, worried about wasting my life, worried about getting older (even when I was 21). Now I worry about middle age, old age. I'm gay, and I feel like I wasted my youth because I didn't come out of the closet until I was 24. I worry about long-term stress making me ill, which causes me more stress.

My relationship: I've posted a few AskMe's about this before (see here -- I changed details like numbers and dates in that first post because I wanted to be extra-safe about being anonymous), and I hate the idea of being a broken record, and I can see how people who have read my previous AskMe's might shake their heads at me for not having changed anything. But the thing is, I'm just terrified.

In short: my partner and I have been together for six years, and we've been in couples therapy for the last two. We truly love and care about each other and have a cozy, very boring, oxytocin-filled relationship, but we have never had a very sexual relationship, and after discussing it repeatedly in therapy, I'm pretty much convinced we never will. He has practically zero sex drive, and I'm just not sexually attracted to him. We have fooled around together twice -- twice -- in the last four years, and never did much before that. We have an open, don't ask/don't tell arrangement, which means that all my sex is with other people, which means that I can never have sex that includes intimacy, which means a big part of my life is very unfulfilled. Whenever I do start to feel some sort of intimacy with someone, I feel really guilty about it.

I guess the difference between this AskMe and my previous ones is that while I used to think there was a possibility we could eventually have a sexually fulfilling relationship, I've since realized we never will.

He also very much likes having a routine, likes being a homebody except for going to the theater alot (we live in Manhattan) and going to our favorite restaurant. He isn't big on excitement. Me, I need to shake things up every once in a while. That might sound odd, given that I tend to be pretty anxious, but I do like to expand my comfort zone sometimes, while he doesn't.

There are some days when I obsess about breaking up with him. But when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to do it. We have talked in our couples therapy about breaking up, and I would just miss him terribly -- having him next to me at night, talking with him, being with him. Plus, since I'm a very emotional person and I get stressed out easily, I just can't see how I could handle being alone and missing him. Our relationship has major flaws, but I do feel calmer knowing he is there whenever I get totally anxious about something. I cannot imagine being stressed out and having nobody to turn to, especially because I live in Manhattan, which can be a difficult, isolating place sometimes. Would I move into some small crappy studio by myself somewhere? I don't have very many friends, so I don't have much of a support system. (My partner and I are both in a social organization, so there are friends/acquaintances there, and people do like me, but it's hard sometimes because I worry about what people think of me.)

What if I wind up being single for the rest of my life? What if nobody else comes along? What if someone else does come along but that relationship is majorly flawed as well? What if my punishment for breaking up with my partner is that I never find anyone else again? Because, odd as this sounds, I do feel like I would be punished for it. That I am not allowed to change my situation, that I should be thankful for what I have, that I want too much.

Maybe I could keep him in my life, and we could be best friends?

And... what if I end the relationship and I'm still unhappy?

Now for the job situation: this is another thing entirely. My job is not very stressful and is sometimes decent, and I'm thankful for that, especially in this economy. But it's just a boring paycheck for me and isn't at all meaningful. Worst of all, over the summer, my office moved into a sterile office park in the New Jersey suburbs. Now I go to the office two days a week, which is a 1 hour 40 minute commute each way, and on the other three days I work from home, which feels so isolating and makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. I despair of ever getting out of this situation.

I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I have seen career counselors, I have read career books -- at times I have been hopeful but I eventually despair. I have wanted to be a writer, a therapist, a journalist, a professor. I went to law school, but I didn't really enjoy being a lawyer. Now my job is related to the law, but it doesn't thrill me either. What I *do* like to do is read nonfiction and learn about things. I love learning and I love writing, but I don't think I have the expertise or ability to write nonfiction, and I have little interest in writing fiction. I am good at writing about myself, but who wants to read about me?

See how hard on myself I am?

I am also very fickle -- I can never be sure that what interests me now will interest me a few months from now. The only constant is history, particularly American history.

I feel hopeless at 35, and if the next 50 years are like the last 10, I don't know what I'm going to do, and I am only getting older. I am stuck, stuck, stuck, and I hate it.

I've created a MeFi account that I can't post from yet, but you can email me there if you want.

Too horny. Can't think. Need sex.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 11:34:22 -0800

I'm a mid-20s British male and I haven't had sex for about three years. Manual Overides are barely taking the edge off these days and the horniess is getting so bad I can't think clearly. Help me get laid. Complications inside. Since the end of my last long-term relationship I haven't had sex, kissed a girl, or been on a date. I was pretty good at being a boyfriend, living together, and all that stuff, and I hope to do it again someday but I'm way out of practice right now. I recognise that there are underlying issues with the three year gap (social isolation, self confidence, and so on) but what I'm asking for today is some help in figuring out a way to get laid so that I can actually think straight, instead of just sitting here feeling my pulse throb and my mind swim with thought-blocking sex chemicals.

I'm hoping mefi can help me think outside the box (and therefore get back inside the box, hee hee), but I realise this is probably a stupid question - sorry. Also, I understand that I'm coming at this backwards and that solving some of my other problems would probably indirectly resolve this one, but just give a pass on that one for now please - I'm working on them.

Anyway, here are the options as far as I can see followed by the issues I have with them. Maybe I'm missing something (please Jesus, let it be so).

---
Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
B. Broke.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.

---
Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
G. Terrified.

---
Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

---
Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
B. Morally confusing.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
E. Terrified.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.

Okay, so those are the options that I've worked out, none of which seem realistic for me right now. For your info I'm overweight (but quite tall with it), not pretty but (I hope) not ugly either, a 'nice guy', big, bald and perhaps a bit unapproachable, and have some not-crippling but not-insignificant self-esteem issues (as I'm sure you've figured out). I look older than I am too. I keep hoping I'll have some serendipitous magical dreamgirl encounter like in Garden State, Lost In Translation (though, less chaste), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Me and You and Everyone We Know and movies like that, but I'm getting tired of making eyes at pretty bookshop sales assistants.

Disposable email at: M8R-758isl@mailinator.com

Finally, if this looks pretty well organised for someone who claims he can't think - I jerked off earlier (sorry), and this took me about two hours to write.

I slapped my Girlfriend

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:00:38 -0800

I am not a violent person. I wanted to know if anyone who considers them self nonviolent has been in a violent relationship or used violence in a relationship. Background - A while ago I put up a post related to my girlfriends cheating. She asked me to take it down and I have since had it removed. To make a long story short, she had 2 lives and was dating someone else during the entire first 3 years of our relationship. He was her boyfriend for a total of 8 years. I was the other guy that never knew. Anyway I changed my life for this person which included leaving my job, moving from another country, moving into her apartment, etc. As you can imagine I was pretty upset with the whole thing. From about a year prior to discovering the truth I had strong suspicions that things were not as she was telling me. This part is complicated and for the sake of being concise, I will just leave it there. In the past other people have told me that I must have known. All I can say is that she did everything she could to protect her secret. When the story finally broke (I broke it by waiting outside all night and catching her with him) everyone went their separate ways. He left her for good, and she left me and told me I had ruined her life.

Over the next months I missed her like crazy. I went away on vacation for a while to try to escape the whole thing but even there she was still the focus of my thoughts. Despite all the good advice I had received from my friends, family, the metafilter community, I began to push her to try again. At that point I had invested so much (and honestly before having suspicions, this was in the best relationship of my life and I was ready to marry this person) and I only thought it reasonable to give things another try. This would be the first real chance we had ever had. During the month apart and early into the restart, she explained to me that what had happened was a terrible mistake, one that she hated the whole time and that she couldn’t get out of. She met me while traveling, cheated on her BF with me, and over time began to fall in love with me. Ultimately she ended up loving 2 people and was incapable of leaving either of us. She didn’t want to hurt anyone. This was not the person she wanted to be and she was seeing someone to help her be that person and come to grips with what she had done. I went for the story however over the next months began to doubt if it was quite as simple as she explained things. For example, the consequences for me to be with her (i.e. moving and leaving my job) under false pretence, presented such a great risk to my life and livelihood that her love for me should have helped her to make a hard but correct decision. If you truly love someone as she said she did with me, you would never put them in a position where your actions could have negative consequences on them. In fact it should be exactly the opposite. There were times that I thought I would do anything for this person if it meant making her life better, shouldn’t she do the same for me?

To the point – In the end we got back together however it was never easy, we didn’t trust each other, there were things she was asking for that were not in line with what she said she wanted to be. For example we agreed to go see a dr together - this never happened. We agreed that we would begin to integrate our friends, something which was partly missing during the first round of our relationship– never happened. To make a long story short after about 2 months we agreed that we had tried to restart too soon, and we would take a 1 month break to reassess the situation. This is more complicated than it sounds because there was an official break up, then promises of fidelity during the break, conversations about how much we missed each other during the break, sex, etc. Basically it was clear that things were unclear but really hadn’t moved forward.

I made a big mistake – Early in the break I fooled around with a girl at a wedding. Not to make excuses for myself but this was the first time I had been with another woman since we were together. I went to this wedding alone, I was confused by all the mixed signals that I had received from my GF, I was tired of being alone and never having 100% of the other person. This was a meaningless encounter at the time, however during the month I began to develop a friendship with this girl. She lives in CA and I’m in NY and we began speaking on a nearly daily basis. We have lots of friends in common and it was easy to stay in touch. I guess I began replacing my GF with this new person but at the same time mostly wishing that my girlfriend was this person and would just be there for me like she once was, as this girl was. I also used this girl as a sounding board for my frustration with my GF. At the same time there was a lot happening in my life. I had just started a job after having been unemployed for 6 months, my mother had been admitted for heart surgery, I was ill for a few days, and my GF was pulling further and further away. She was frequently not sleeping at home (said she was sleeping at a sick friends house to comfort her), often not answering her calls, but still contending that she was alone and this was a break.

Last week, my GF found out that I was talking to a new person and planning a trip to meet her. She asked me and I told her. Rightfully so, I got hell for this. She told me if I went she would never speak to me again. She called me every name in the book and hit me a few times. She was understandably very upset. What I had done was wrong and my actions were completely opposite from what I had been saying to her. I canceled my trip and thought that maybe we could finally start things again. On equal terms. I was susceptible to a similar dishonesty that she was.

Over the next days she got better, instead of F U you sicko, it became I’m angry at you sweetheart. She was upset and said she needed time. I continued apologizing profusely and told her how I really felt. That this was an honest mistake and that I just missed her and didn’t want to start anything with anyone else. On the third night she called me to check in and tell me that she was going for drinks with some friends and that we could meet the next day to talk about things. And not to worry she was with friends… She forgot to hang up her phone. Over the next 20 minutes I listened to her go back to someone’s house to sleep with him… Not the old guy but a new one. One that she had once introduced me to as her friend. She had been sleeping with him for nearly, as far as I know, the whole month we were off. And possibly earlier.

The next day I went to get my things from her house. Honestly I was just looking for some kind of an explanation and a place to vent my anger. It was a surreal experience and I can’t really remember much of what happened. It might have lasted 5 minutes or 5 hours. I don’t really know. I had a mix of emotions ranging from wanting to hurt her, to wanting to be with her. During our discussion, I screamed at her and called her every name you can think of, I tried to get her to sleep with me, I destroyed some of the gifts that I had given her that were in the room, I told her I loved her, etc. It was a mess but worst of all, I slapped her in the face 4 or 5 times, not hard enough to leave a mark but hard enough that it stung. I have never hit anyone first in my life before.

I have been speaking to a therapist about what has happened. I am extremely disappointed in myself and scared of myself for what I did to her. I don’t really care what a person does but violence is not the answer. I have cried over this at times. My last image of her is her crying and telling me to please not to slap her again. It hurts me like hell. This was the person I loved more than anything in my life and now I am hitting that person. I’m not really sure what my question is but I mostly worried that I will do something like this again? The more I think of the situation, the more I realize that from the moment I first saw her that day, I was physically intimidating. I was in her face, looming, etc. I guess I used the last advantage that I had over her. I am not a violent person but I have done violence. I’m having trouble coming to grips with this. Any commentary would be greatly appreciated. Steps for the future. I can never do anything like this again.

How do I overcome my fear of disapproval?

richar4 — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 14:34:15 -0800

I'd like advice on how to overcome my fear of disapproval from others. It manifests itself as lack of confidence/assertiveness, self-consciousness, anxiety and fear of not being good enough. Looking for all kinds of techniques, suggestions. I'm 32, emotionally and reasonably socially aware, if not necessarily emotionally/socially intelligent. I have a small group of friends. I have a lot of fear and anxiety around the issue of being 'good enough'.

Some symptoms of this are: I feel self-conscious walking down the street, sometimes even when driving(I know!). It feels almost impossible to get a 2nd/3rd date - mainly due to the confidence aspects I suspect. Emotions are contagious and I really need to crack this, and become better balanced. I need to stop betting the world on and being so emotionally effected by small interactions whether its a date, interview, ordering food from a takeaway, whatever..

I'm looking at some form of talking-therapy although finances are a bit of an issue there as I'm hoping to implement a career change, pay course fees and so on. Any kind of suggestions no matter how small are welcomed. Thank you.

Taking a "break".

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 07:22:05 -0800

[relationship filter] How to manage a "break"/"open relationship"? I met my girlfriend during senior year in college (fall of '07) while she was a sophomore. For both of us, it was our first serious relationship--I was a virgin before we met, and she had only been with a few guys before (but never in any sort of established relationship). After I graduated, she spent the summer in my home city (summer '08, in a separate apartment)--it was great, we spent nearly every evening together after working our separate jobs, and spent the weekends showing her around my hometown.

At the end of the summer, we decided we would try out a long-distance arrangement, as I was entering law school in a town about 1000 miles away from my alma mater where she would still be a junior. We managed to see each other about every 5 weeks after august of this past year. It was obviously frustrating at times since we remained exclusive, but we both felt committed enough to want to keep our relationship going. For me, this arrangement was great, as I had little time away from the books and didn't need the distraction of being single and on the prowl.

We spent last week together in her hometown, and decided at the end to take "a break". She's going abroad to europe, while I'll be in my second semester of law school. At this point, neither of us is prepared to get married, but we've also sort of hit a brick wall as far as commitment. Everything about our relationship works great--we've never had a fight in our 13 months together, we have great chemistry, same values, enjoy each other's families--we very easily could be a happily married couple one day. The only problem is our geographic separation for the next few years (unless i transfer law schools for next fall) and the fact that she's still in college, while I'm buckling down in law school.

I want her to have a full experience abroad without feeling tied down. She knows that I've had some minor issues with the (small) discrepancy in our previous sexual partners--my 0 to her 2 or 3. We mutually agreed on taking this break--we both came into the conversation with simmilar ideas--but both are uncomfortable with its implications despite the fact that we both feel its what's best for now. Given our relative inexperience in relationships, our age and our respective places in life, neither of us feels ready for marriage. We both agree that we need this space as an opportunity to figure out what it is we want moving forward.

Are we making the right decision here in giving each other some space given our circumstances? We both are very much still in love with each other, but feel unable to move forward. We both intend on keeping in close communication while she's abroad, but will operate under a "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding whatever we're doing outside of our relationship. We can see each other at the end of may at the earliest if we intend to keep things going, but will not likely be able to spend the summer together (I'll likely be working again in my home city, she's understandably reluctant to return for a second summer in my city wanting to be back in her own). After that, I can try transferring in the fall to my undergrad alma mater's law school, but this is in no way a for sure option.

can we make this work?

end the attachment cycle

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 08:11:44 -0800

I want to stop being a relationship-machine and start having something more casual. Why do I get attached so quickly? And how do I prevent myself from getting attached so I can have more fun? I’m female, 27, and I’ve had 3 significant relationships over the past 6 years. My recent Very Serious Relationship ended in October. We were very serious, headed towards marriage, and the breakup was abrupt and staggering. Initially it was awful, but now I feel great, and I’m taking some time for myself and for traveling. I’m in school, and moving to a new city after graduation. I’m not planning to really date until after I move; I want to use the next 6 months to just get my head on straight, figure out what happened, and build myself back up.

Although – I have started casually seeing/hooking up with someone at school. It’s tons of fun and clearly not going anywhere. He’s someone I don’t see a future with, and we’re moving very far away after graduation. I’ve never successfully done the casual/rebound thing before, but I like it. We have fun together. I don’t expect either of us to be monogamous, though I think we both have been. I would totally understand breaking this off if either of us met someone we liked better.

Except that I find myself feeling attached to this guy after just a few weeks. We’re on winter break and I’m constantly checking my phone to see if he’s texted me. In the past, I’ve shied away from more casual things because I was worried that getting physical would lead to attachments, but I *really* don’t want to be in a relationship right now, so I thought it would be ok. And I don't want to end this. I like it, and it's helped me feel a lot better after a really crappy breakup.

I don’t get it – half my brain is thinking “I don’t want to be in a relationship! It’s so great to have something light, casual and fun!” And the other half is thinking, “why hasn’t he called?? Will I be devastated if it’s over when we get back from break?” But I’m not that crazy about the guy. I’m worried that I automatically go into attachment mode, and I think that’s not healthy for me or my relationships. How do I understand the attachment part of my brain? Can I prevent myself from attaching when I don't want to so I can just… have fun?

Help me not mess this up.

als129 — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:53:35 -0800

Pursue him or leave him be? I met a guy in my parents' hometown on a Friday in mid-October. He asked for my phone number, called the next day and we went to the movies. It was nice. We both live about an hour or so (opposite directions) from the town we met in, which is also his parents' hometown. We e-mailed a decent bit the week after, but things got quiet. It is worth mentioning he is a first year law student and is taking it VERY seriously. It is also worth mentioning that he is 25 and has never had a girlfriend.

He (we will call him Joe) e-mailed me a rather longish, unsolicited message on Nov. 10 and we ended up hanging out four times in seven days over the Thanksgiving holiday. He is nice, attentive, introduces me to his friends who all seem to know that we are "dating." In fact, one of his friends said to me, "So Joe tells me you are good people." So, that seemed promising. Also, Joe's younger sister seems to know all about us and basically told me he's never had anyone serious and she's rooting for us because he's a great guy. So yeah, that seemed good too.

There has been one problem, despite the fact that Joe has paid for movies and beers (I've bought him a few too) and sticks by my side when we're out, he is not physically affectionate AT ALL. The second to last time we hung out (after all those dates that ended with a hug and a kiss on the cheek), I finally kissed him, I mean really kissed him. He seemed so timid. (But I will admit, my last few smooches have been with really, really aggressive guys.)

The day after "the kiss," he didn't return a text message I sent him, which was odd because he was usually good about this. I called, he didn't answer but I left a voicemail seeing if he wanted to get coffee. He called back and we went. We had a good conversation for 90 minutes just about life and nonsense -- nothing about us. He got out of the car, hugged me, kissed me *near* my mouth. I said, "Good luck on finals." And he said "Oh those are two weeks away." And I said, "Yeah I guess we'll be in touch before then." We had previously talked very casually about getting together over Christmas. But I couldn't help but notice some distancing vibes from him. I have not spoken to him since he got out of my car. This was Saturday night.

Internet, I DO NOT WANT TO MESS THIS UP. I like him. He is good. I know what will happen, will happen, but I would like VERY MUCH to nudge it a good direction.

-How do I not scare him?
-Should I initiate a hangout soon? As in, maybe we can meet for dinner on a night he needs a study break? As in, hang out before Christmas?
-Should I just leave him be?

Internet, you are nice. I know you hate these questions, but I have a good feeling about this one. I don't want to scare him away, but I don't want to let it fizzle either. Help me balance this.

Should I move out of boyfriend's, and into best friend's?

Elysum — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 00:08:16 -0800

How bad a faux pas would it be to move out of a (multi-person) shared house with a new but lovely boyfriend, and into my best friend's house instead? A FWB, became a housemate, and in the last few months, a boyfriend. Despite some initial confusion, everything seems to be going really well.

But. A room has finally come open in my best friend's house.
Best friend... sounds so highschool?
This is the person I would most like to hang with, travel with, live with, and according to the old saw, accompany to move bodies with etc (I don't find the last one very funny :( ).

So, exactly how bad would you consider it to have a new partner want to move out, and go live with their best friend & several other friends, instead?

To explain, in my shiny happy world, I'm all 'Yay! Friends!', my first thought is that I would understand if he felt the same situation. Let's just assume I have some-times socialisation problems, in a slightly 'aspie' happy-shiny world kinda way, and I often don't realise the social implications and consequences of certain actions, until they are explained to me in small (or big) words, at which point I can take them into account.

I have a sinking feeling this might be one of those situations. Rather than getting into a mess -
I was just going to ask/tell him directly, but I'm worried it might be one of those sorts of situations where someone would say "Sure, do whatever you need to do" even if they didn't feel that way, and put a brave face on it.

And if so, if I just try to feel out they'd feel about it, if were hurt by the idea then they may not be able to explain it in the best/clearest of ways?

And therefore, I'd appreciate a gauge of opinions?

My groin wants what my brain doesn't!

Anonymous — Mon, 05 May 2008 07:12:20 -0800

The type of guy I like to spend time with isn't the type I like to have sex with. What now? Probably NSFW! I'm a good-looking, intelligent woman in my mid-20s and I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. We're pretty much blissfully happy. He's gorgeous, I love him, he loves me, we're simpatico, we want to grow old together, we've weathered some rough stuff (rainclouds, not typhoons) and come out stronger, and neither of us has been unfaithful.

However, although I'm extremely turned on by his looks, I'm not sexually attracted to his personality. The type of guy I enjoy being with (sweet, funny, kind, gentle, cute, boyish) isn't the type that turns me on (rough, rude, cruel, bossy, arrogant, dominant, older ... basically Martin Amis). I *loathe* the people I find sexy.

I've never reached orgasm with my bf; I can only orgasm when I masturbate to fantasies of being dragged around and degraded by the Type A douchebags of the world.

At first I thought I could be okay with having a mediocre sexual relationship with a guy I'm crazy about, but well ... now I'm here typing this.

I've already tried coaching my bf to be more sexually aggressive, but it's clear by now that it's just not in him. Is the relationship doomed? When I'm old, am I likely to feel like I wasted my 20s? Or should I just get over the whole sex thing? :-/

How can I make it up to my pal?

stedman15 — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 07:50:37 -0800

I did what I was asking about in this question , and now I've lost one of my friends. I told all my friends about the fact that I lied to them about my level of sexual experience. Three of them were cool with it, one of them was not.

He said that my lying reflects badly on him because he is accountable in part for the actions of those he associates with. He calls me a pathological liar (on this issue, I was). This guy is one of my best pals, and I've been his friend for 11 years. I don't want to push him, but I also don't want to lose him as a friend.

Is there anything I can do to indicate that I am changing and it won't happen again?

P.S. I know I was wrong for lying. Nothing anyone can say can make me feel worse than I do.

What kind of secret could this be?

meta.mark — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:03:02 -0800

What is something that you would feel comfortable telling your spouse/partner... but wouldn't want them to know, is not a good or bad thing, and won't change your relationship? My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now and everything is perfect. The only things that's been bugging me is she told me there is "something" about me that she's "comfortable telling me but doesn't want me to know." Also it "won't change our relationship and is not a good or bad thing." She's talked to only her cousin and sister about it.

Help me make the Break-Up Talk suck less

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 20:01:48 -0800

I plan on breaking up with my girlfriend in the next few days. (We've been together for about half a year.) Help me avoid mistakes that could make The Talk worse than it has to be. (I realize that it's still going to suck even in a best-case scenario.) To give some background on this, my girlfriend and I had already been friends for a few years before we started dating. And, post-relationship, I wouldn't mind becoming friends again at some point (though I realize that might take some time). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't wan to burn bridges that I don't have to.

(I've read through several past threads on breakups, so I'll try not to repeat things that may have already been asked/answered.)

In one of the break-up threads, anastasiav recommends "No hugging. No kissing. If your (now former) s/o starts to cry, it will be a natural impulse to try and provide comfort. Resist the urge. No pats on the back, no physical contact of any kind."

Is that a hard-and-fast rule? (If it is, that's fine, but I just don't know.) Because I value her as a friend, part of me is/was tempted to bake some cookies for her as a gesture to say that I wouldn't be opposed to eventually becoming friends again. Something now tells me that might be a bad idea , eh?

In another thread, redfoxtail mentions that saying "'We need to talk' hours before the actual talk is not kind. I don't recommend it. The ideal situation is to have the talk as soon as you bring it up at all; have it in private; and be able to leave her alone when you're done."

As it turns out, I think I remember reading the opposite suggestion somewhere else -- that the person doing the breaking-up should call a couple hours ahead of time (I guess so that when The Talk happens it's not so much of a mental jolt?). I can kinda see things from both sides, but I'd be interested in whether the hivemind thinks it's better to mention "we need to talk" ahead of time or not.

And supposing that the general agreement is toward not mentioning "we need to talk" ahead of time, does that mean that I should arrange to meet her ahead of time (and just not tell her what it's about) or that it would be better to arrange the meeting only just before I drive over?

Sorry for writing so much (I didn't realize it'd end up being this long). If you have any questions for me, I can be reached at cm8m0cy02 (at) sneakemail.com.

Helping your partner's sexual anxieties

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 22:13:55 -0800

How do I help relieve my boyfriend's sexual performance anxieties? I am almost a year into a long, happy relationships with a great guy. We are wonderfully compatible and overall things are going amazing. However, our sticking point is sex. It's not a huge issue. In general, the sex is great and frequent. But occasionally, and especially in the past couple of months, he's been dealing with performance anxiety.

I am a person who likes sex. I like it a lot. He likes it too, but not as much as I do, not as kinky as I do, and not as often as I do. He finds it awkward to be in the position of the person with the lower libido, he's not used to someone so sexually aggressive, exploratory in ways he's not initially comfortable with (though he defines Good, Giving, Game), and on top of all this he knows he's not the type I usually date. These things have combined to worry him that he can't "handle" me, or he's not enough for me, or I'll leave him for a "better match". This causes serious problems in the bedroom when these things start bouncing around in his head. He starts thinking I'm faking it, or I'd prefer to be somewhere else, and bam, it's all over--which of course causes him even more anxiety.

I've tried everything I can think of. I assure him I love him and I want him. I assure him he is a great sexual match for me. I've tried roleplaying to keep his mind off the worries. I've tried restricting our activity to cuddling and makeouts and teasing so he goes crazy for the act. When it happens in the middle of the act, I've tried asking him to talk about it (which he will do so readily), and I've tried pretending nothing's wrong and continuing to play in other ways so he knows the performance issues don't bother me (and they don't). Some of these things work, some don't, but even the solutions are temporary.

He's open and communicative, and intellectually he knows he's being silly. But the worries persist. Is there anything I can do that I'm not doing to help him?

Since I fell for you

the luke parker fiasco — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 10:47:31 -0800

How can I get over the heartbreak that ensues over what was essentially a no-strings fling between two friends? This guy and I were introduced to one another by a mutual friend, when he was in town visiting. We spent some time together in groups--not much, but enough to develop an instant connection and a latent mutual attraction. As he lived several states away, I didn't think of it as much more than a harmless crush on an intelligent, attractive, interesting person.

We got fairly electronically friendly, exchanging long, rambling emails on a regular basis, and had a couple of phone conversations. After about six months of this, he had an event to attend in my neck of the woods, at which he invited me to join him. We spent a wonderful, amazing, incredibly fun and physically intimate week together. His leaving was the most painful thing I've ever experienced--worse than my father's death, worse than the ending of a three-year relationship. I was utterly wrecked, and in many ways I still am.

This was completely unexpected, which is part of why it hit me as hard as it did. I'd known I had a crush, but never foresaw that I would end up feeling as strongly for him as I did. For his part, he made it clear from the outset that he wasn't looking for a commitment, and I was okay with that at the time. But after spending that time with him, and feeling so comfortable and happy in his presence, it was indescribably painful to return to my solitary lifestyle (which I had been happy with until then).

Since then our interaction has regressed into casual friendship, with sporadic-at-best communication (he entered into a graduate program soon after the incident in question, which can partially explain the drop in communication). It's clear that he doesn't share the ongoing feelings I'm experiencing, and looked at the incident as an opportunity to spend time with a friend and act on a mutual attraction, and nothing more.

It's been close to a year, and the pain of missing him is still so strong that at times it's physically debilitating. A stray memory or unexpected reminder can be enough to bring me to tears. Despite myself, he's first in my thoughts when I make long-term plans--what might he be doing then? When something good happens, the first thing I want to do is talk to him about it. I want to know what his life is like, to hear what he's doing and where he's going, but I don't feel that I'm in a position to ask. I haven't so much as thought of anyone else as far as a relationship or a romantic interest is concerned, and have no interest in being with anyone but him.

Intellectually, I've come to accept the fact that nothing more will ever come of this--if he had any feelings for me beyond casual friendship, they would have manifested themselves in some way by now. But I can't stop thinking about him, and the emotional side of me can't quite give up on the irrational hope that there's some sort of future here.

How do I get over this? How can I kill these feelings? How can I turn this person from a painful reminder of all I want in a partner, and all that might have been, into a casual friend again? Or do I just need to make the decision to let contact die out, and accept that he's now a part of my past?

(To that end ... I'll be leaving the country shortly, for a period of years, and have the opportunity to make a short visit before I go. I'm tempted to do so, in the meaningless-line-in-the-sand sort of way--using this face-to-face meeting as a way to say goodbye, in my own mind, and put our active friendship behind me [though I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this is partially motivated my my desire to see him one more time as well, but also because he's an interesting, intelligent, engaging person who I enjoy talking to]. Good idea, or bad idea?)

Single mother.

packphour — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 01:45:09 -0800

Any advice for a single mother venting? She's a good mom, I've seen her and her kids. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only friend who understands. her: i wish people truely could see what my life is like. i try and hide a lot of it, but it's 400000 times harder than people assume.

her: and i get irritated when people like my friend says SHE needs a break

her: she has her in-laws who watch her daughter every day until 7pm and EVERY weekend.

her: if i had 3 hours to myself twice a year i'd be happy.

her: i'm just so burned out

her: i have so many problems outside of my kids that i just feel like ummmm.... well like britney spears sometimes.

her: she went crazy b/c her life is nuts. i'm sure her kids - who are the same age diff as mine - drive her insane - then she has to deal with an Ex trying to take all her money. meanwhile she has a career she is trying to maintain. i get why she shaved her head and went bezerk.

her: i wish my friends would take my kids for an afternoon or an evening and not make me feel guilty about it - b/c goddamn i need a break - but my friends who supposedly love me dont' love me enough to even do that. My guy friend told me last night "i know you'll hang up on me after i say this but the reason your friends don't help you is b/c your kids aren't disciplined"

her: thanks asshole.

her: not go fuck yourself and have a nice day

her: i'm trying so hard to maintain my sanity

her: and it's not just my kids - i love my kids and they aren't bad kids - [son 2] - he's nuts - probably b/c he's genetically predispositioned to be like his dad - and the fact that he lost his father twice in the 2 years of his life. who the fuck knows

her: but outside of that - i have tons of problems that i don't know how to solve.

her: anyway i'm just venting

Partner vs family. Let the battle commence.

aprivateperson — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 08:36:11 -0800

In a nutshell, my fiancee hates my family. Through a series of snubs and impoliteness (by her definition, not mine), my fiancee has come to hate my family. In particular, my sisters. I'm not that close to them, but I don't want them out of my life either by a long stretch. And she doesn't care for most of my friends either, the online ones in particular.

The latest spat has come about because my sister mentioned that there was a job in a different part of the country, which my fiancee took to meaning that she was trying to interfere in the relationship, and take me away from the area that she loves and the house we live in.

The one before that, she refused to spend Christmas with them even though it was "our" turn to spend Christmas with them (she having insisted that we spend Christmas with her family last year). So I spent Christmas with my family, she spent Christmas with hers in tears and it's been various forms of drama ever since.

While I can see her point of view and can understand why she might feel snubbed etc., I feel that the "punishment" she has dished out - she doesn't ever want to see them, invite them to any wedding etc. - is OTT.

The trouble is, I love her. She loves me. I've never felt more at home and comfortable with anyone else when things are going well. And then my sister or a disliked friend will call or email, and then the fireworks fly.

So how do you decide which is more important? I think the two are equally important, but maybe I'm wrong here.

(btw, do you let your partner read your email?)

For fact fans: both in our early/mid-30s, engaged, met two years ago, engaged 14 months ago, I moved in with her (cross-country)7 months ago, not set a date.

Should your partner always be your priority?

aprivateperson — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 06:28:04 -0800

In a relationship, should your priority always be towards your partner? During an argument a long time ago, I pointed out to my gf that occasionally she would not be my number 1 priority, that sometimes my family, friends or work would come first.

This has come up again recently, and it still stings and hurts her deeply. But try as I might, I can't understand quite what her problem is. I don't expect me to be her priority 24-7, so why should she expect to be mine?

Am I being unreasonable?

Drop that zero and get with the hero

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Oct 2005 17:22:00 -0800

If the woman of my affections has been dating some other guy for a year -- a relationship she has said is "not that serious," in frequent playful e-mails to me -- what strategy is smarter? Stay in a queue until she becomes available? Ask what's up? Steal her away? Can anyone share successful or unsuccessful ploys to turn the other guy into the Baxter, when the woman involved is a pretty neat friend you'd like to avoid losing? Background for this specific situation:

I met her a year ago, in an online dating forum. When we met, she dropped this "there's this other guy" bomb on me, yet wanted to keep in touch. I really did try to avoid the stupidity of swooning over someone who isn't single. Only she just wouldn't stop e-mailing me, so I finally relented and got back in touch. Now I've become addicted to her sweetness, just as I feared.

Advice on dating someone significantly younger.

nebulawindphone — Wed, 23 Feb 2005 11:23:35 -0800

Advice on dating someone significantly younger. I'm twenty-three, she's eighteen. We're together, in love, and reasonably happy. But lately, we've been realizing how serious the age gap between us is. She's finished two years of college, held down a few jobs, and lived and travelled on her own. But there's no getting around it: she's still in the middle of her post-high-school identity crises, while I feel pretty secure in who I am and where I'm headed. This is her first serious long-term relationship, while I've been this-close-to-engaged before. The age gap itself — the numbers — isn't a problem. But being in such different places in our lives — that's making us nervous.

Have any of you been in this sort of situation? How did you approach it? Did it work? What do you wish you'd known or done differently? We've talked a lot about it: what we want, how we're feeling, what we're afraid of. What else should we be doing?

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that she and I are going to stay together. (In other words, I'm not interested in "answers" like give up or dump her. We might break up, but we can make that decision on our own, thanks. What I want to know is, so long as we decide to stay together, what's our best shot at making it work?)

How do you confront your SO about trolling for sex on the internet?

jpoulos — Mon, 04 Oct 2004 11:49:32 -0800

Note: I'm asking the following on behalf of a friend...

How do you confront your SO about trolling for sex on the internet? Particularly if you've discovered this in a dishonest way: by logging into his email account.

Many months ago, my SO told me his email password. I never planned on using the information, but I became suspicious a few weeks ago. The first time I logged in, there was a single message that was clearly a flirtatious exchange with a woman. It bothered me briefly, but there was no evidence he was planning on meeting up with her (it seemed more like an erotic email correspondance), so I didn't give it more thought. I also felt that, given that what I had done was grossly unethical, I didn't have the right to be angry. I felt really bad about what I'd done.

I have no way, then, to justify why I checked his email again today. This time, there was a reply from a "pro" telling him her rates. He'd asked her what she did and what she charged.

I was planning on spending the rest of my life with my SO. And I've told him on more than one occasion that I'm opposed to the idea of occasional infidelity, knowing that we're only human, but he said he didn't want that, that it was a terrible idea. So in addition to being angry about his apparent change of heart, I am mad because we're trying to save money for a vacation and--in the far-off future--a wedding. We don't make a lot of money. The idea that he'd be willing to pay for (vanilla, straight-up) sex is really upsetting to me.

I know that I committed a grievous error in judgement by checking his email. But I feel as though I need to discuss the email with him, because it seems indicative of a larger problem. How do I approach him about it?