Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and psychology

Extroversion or flirting?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:27:11 -0800

How do you tell the difference between someone who's an extrovert and someone who's romantically interested in you? I (male) met a female friend of a male friend visiting my city last winter. After that we talked on line a bunch. (With her initiating a good part of the time.) We met (briefly and not one-on-one) up when I was visiting her city a few months later. There's been some Facebooking in between.

Recently, we chatted on line and she suggested we talk on the phone that week. When we did, at the end of that conversation said we should talk regularly on the phone and suggested a fairly definite schedule.

I'm pretty introverted and in the past I've dated (though not much) people who've either been introverted or explicit about their intentions at the beginning.

I'm having a hard time telling if this is just her extroversion coming through... or if I should take this as a sign of romantic interest. If I had just made a female friend, I would be hesitant to contact them so often for fear that I was sending the message that I was interested, if I wasn't.

Any tips on navigating this introvert extrovert divide would be appreciated.

Some more info:

We're both very close to the friend who introduced us, but they're not romantically envolved (I asked him, in part, because I wanted to be sure I wasn't interfering with a prior romantic pursuit of his by what I was thinking might be her interest in me) and he's not the matchmaking type, so I'm reluctant to put him further in the middle of this...

(This isn't really a question about long-distance relationships, I like the area where she lives, have lived there previously, and may even move there in the next couple of years regardless.)

All the people in this question are in their twenties and out of school, including me, but I'm a couple years older.

Throwaway e-mail: INVEVQM@gmail.com

Grad-school, relationships, and geography... can all three work?

DeucesHigh — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 09:55:42 -0800

Grad-school, med school, residency match, geography...help? [For the TL;DR shortcut to the most important question, skip to Paragraph 4]

So in the fall of '10, myself and ms. deuceshigh will by simultaneously applying for graduate school -- medical for me, and Ph.D. psychology for her. No problem so far, as we'll be coordinating our (numerous) applications, and be able to at least match cities for the subsequent 4 years. And if that doesn't work out, at least we'll know right away, before either of us starts.

The problem will be 4 years later, the binding Match for medical residency. For those who aren't familiar, basically the med student applies to all the residency programs they could see attending, and rank them. The schools do the same for all of their applicants, and then the lists are compared to give residency assignments, which are binding. There are provisions for *medical school* couples to be matched together, but obviously that isn't the case here. The only way to get out of your match is serious hardship (a dying parent, or the like), so for all intents and purposes, you go where you're matched. So, 4 years down the road, I will be heading to a residency that -- while not totally random -- involves a great deal less choice than we've had before. She will still be in her Ph.D. program, with 3 years remaining, and presumably won't be able to move.

So I guess this is a multi-parted question. Is there anything about the Match that I'm not taking into account? Is it feasible to seed the top of my list with all the schools in the same city as her Ph.D. program, with any chance of ending up at any of them? [yes, I guess that can't really be answered without knowing my exact future situation, but maybe in general terms]. Would I be hurting my career to go to a lesser-ranked residency, in order to stay in a particular geographical area?

On the other hand, has anyone taken a 3-year break during a Ph.D. program, or is that a terrible idea? In her opinion, that would be the preferable choice over delaying the residency, so she'd like to hear peoples' experiences with taking time off. Did you have trouble returning? Is it easily doable at some schools, and a literal impossibility at others? Does it entirely depend on the department and advisor? Do many people have kids during that time, and if so, is it realistic to expect to return and finish the program?

We've had the long-distance-relationship talks, but for the purposes of this question, assume the option is not on the table.

How to care for my geek husband?

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 16:12:50 -0800

I need help understanding how my hyper-smart geek husband's brain works. I want to give him the understanding he craves but am having a hard time inhabiting his plane. I have been happily married for some years to a wonderful, geeky, man whom I love deeply. He's super intelligent (mathematician/computer scientist) and has tons of fabulous qualities, but even he admits that he's a "difficult" character: he believes himself to live a life of pure logic and despairs - literally despairs - at all the irrationality around him.

I'm also a geek, but to a less extreme extent (I'm also female - don't know if that's relevant). He admits that I am "more rational" than average but still at times rages at me for my idiocy when I don't agree with his "rational ideas". He does this to friends, acquaintances, and colleagues, too, with predictably disastrous results. My default reaction is to try to explain the causes and reasons behind mine and others' seeming irrationality, to talk about the complexity of real life and the validity of implicit social rules - but this infuriates him further.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that as I love this man, I just need to accept how he is and find strategies to deal with the fact that there will sometimes be inevitable conflict.

However, last night, after a discussion about politics sparked off by him yelling "liars!" at the TV, he admitted to me that he often feels lonely not being able too talk about his ideas without them being "attacked", and pleaded with me to try to just "go with it" when he has some idea he wants to discuss. Now, I'm sure I often *do* do this (after all, he chose me to marry - I must occasionally get things right) - but frequently I genuinely don't know how, and we don't seem to be able to figure it out together.

For example, last night the idea he floated was that every person holding public office should be under video surveillance 24/7/365 as a condition of holding the job. I responded that this was unrealistic and that nobody would ever want office given this condition. I guess he was looking for me to riff with him on the advantages of such an idea, but frankly, I really thought it was lousy. I can't lie to him - not when he's seeking to have an intellectually exploratory discussion - but I don't know how to respond both honestly and postively when the "abstract" ideas he posits seem to me to be as realistic as deciding to raise unicorns.

Although he works with computers, his passion is mathematics, and he seems to believe that his mastery of formal logic qualifies him to "fix" things outside of mathematics. He tells me he's starting from pure logic and then wants help working back to reality. However, when so many of his "fixes" concern human beings, I find it really hard to take them seriously without immediately bringing in issues around human nature. This, to him, sounds like .. criticism? irrelevance? whatever ... it's not where he wants to go.

Maybe my discussion style doesn't help - I am used to rough-and-tumble intellectual debates, where challenge and dispute is not a negative but a spur to strengthen one's arguments. I guess I need to learn to turn this off at times.

He's a really, really, angry man, and I can see that it hurts him, as well as causing social difficulty. He doesn't want to "give in" and be like all the other "sheep" and claims to value integrity and honesty above everything else. He admits he is an idealist, and while I admire that, a large part of me wants to "cure" that so that he won't be continually disappointed when humanity fails to live up to his ideals.

I understand that you can't and shouldn't try to change someone. I accept that he is likely to remain "difficult" and abrasive. I would, however, like some advice on how to help him feel less alone. He tells me he'd like for just one person in the world to understand him, and he wishes it could be me. I wish that too - what should I do?

What is the psychology of friendship?

pipstar — Wed, 14 May 2008 07:10:55 -0800

Lately, the concept of "friends" seems to have become incredibly diluted by the casual use of the term by Facebook, MySpace et al. But in "the real world" what do you consider to be important when you are making and becoming friends? Is it how long you've known someone? How frequently you meet up? What you have in common? Something more intangible? Also, I'd love recommendations of any books looking at the psychology of how people become friends.

How to overcome defenses and lose the emotional baggage?

Anonymous — Sun, 19 Nov 2006 06:56:35 -0800

How to overcome defenses and lose the emotional baggage? I had a screwy childhood (not quite Running with Scissors, but not that far off either). Consequently, I'm a deeply sensitive person and I think I've got overdeveloped emotional defenses.

It's not so much that I act defensive and mean and angry to others; it's more that my expectations for other people, especially men (I'm a woman) are usually low. So when I'm dating someone I might tend to be suspicious about whether they are "interested in only one thing" or what their true motives are. Although I am not confrontational and don't have a temper, this does come out in little ways that affect my relationships. I might meet a really great guy, but I'll still expect him to let me down. Not healthy, obviously.

Thing is, these negative expectations are quite persistently entrenched! It is very hard to overcome automatic patterns of thought.

So...what has worked for you? Yes, I'm in therapy, but there must be things I can do on my own...books, exercises, etc. First of all, I want to avoid having defensive thoughts, but when that's not possible, what's the best way to explain oneself after you've screwed and patch things over without making things a bigger deal than they already are?

Why is it embarrassing not to have romantic interest reciprocated?

socrates — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 17:41:06 -0800

Why is it embarrassing not to have romantic interest reciprocated? I just called a girl from one of my classes, and invited her to lunch on Wednesday. She said yes, but it was clear that she's only interested in friendship. Embarrassed that my romantic interest wasn't reciprocated, I then acted as though I had only meant it as a friendly invitation all along.

This is completely irrational. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone, and her lack of interest doesn't mean that I'm somehow inadequate as a person.

So why is revealing a non-reciprocated romantic interest so embarrassing?

And what are good strategies for overcoming this?

help me make friends and not look like an ass!

gilsonal — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 19:51:07 -0800

Starting my grad school program next week (clinical psychology, PhD) and am joining a cohort of 7 others. Any suggestions on things to do (or not do) when meeting and getting to know people I'll have to work with for the next six years? I'd like to be friends with them, especially since we have all our classes together. But the chances of such a small group together so much so stressed without conflict seem doubtful to me. Other psych grad school advice is welcome too. Thanks!

Why do opposites attract?

Esther Festers — Sun, 16 Jul 2006 17:16:02 -0800

Do opposites really attract? And if so, why? What is it about opposites, specifically personality types, that makes some relationships click? My best friend is very extroverted, social and can barely keep her mouth shut for more than a minute. Her boyfriend is the more shy, reserved type. And yet they've been together for more than 5 years.

I've seen this pattern over and over again, where one partner is the outgoing, talkative type, and the other is a quiet homebody.

Why do opposites attract? I have too little relationship experience of my own to answer this question substantively, so I'm turning to you guys for a better answer to something that continues to puzzle me over and over again.

Before I hit the big '30'

sk381 — Sun, 08 Jan 2006 06:52:08 -0800

What am I doing wrong and why should 'I' change and need I even ought to, in the first place ? Some advice before I hit the big '30'.. I have a tendency to get attached (in both romantic terms and otherwise) to people more easily than most others. Not the most pragmatic habit to have, I know, as one invariably ends up with a greater share of letdowns and not just in relationships. But I 'really' believe there are some things in life that are worth trying harder for and we just live once and we need to make the most of it and all that jazz. I don't want to live my life as a series of 'what-ifs'. But it has come to mean that I'm almost invariably the one who has to go the extra mile. Shades of the 'Nice Guy' syndrome, I guess, but I'm sure there is more to me that being a stereotype.

I am going to turn 30 soon and though still far from jaded, the pain takes longer to go away now. A little introspection seems to be in order.

So am I 'wrong' in the way I approach life? What does this say about me? Clingy, needy, some other hole in my personality? I would like to think I'm none of these but one can hardly be objectively about oneself.

Not looking for a solution so much as advice from the collective wisdom of AskMe-Fi. Psych. majors and armchair philosophers, please feel free to counsel at length.

How do I tell my girlfriend that I have herpes?

bhenry — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 15:21:39 -0800

I just started a new relationship.. It's phenomenal and we've both felt that we're in love. I care deeply for her, but I don't know how to tell her about the fact that I have Herpes. Does anyone have advice on how to break the news? I have had the illness for 5 years now.. rarely get outbreaks and am not using supressive treatments. I suppose a minor outbreak every 6 months or something for a few days.

She's a virgin. BTW, I'm 28 and she's 24. We've been dating for about a month and have not had sex. However we've had some amazing times with one another and done everything but. Each time, while elated, I'm filled with pain and frustration. She's asking for sex..

God this is a crappy situation. She's a gal I could see marrying and she feels the same about me. Thanks so much for your help!

Does "I have a high tolerance for pain" actually mean the opposite?

quacky — Wed, 07 Dec 2005 11:51:56 -0800

When you say you have a high tolerance for pain, don't you really mean to say "I love to complain about how much I hurt"? Or: is this really a case of the more you say it the less you mean it? It's always seemed to me that people who claim to have a "high tolerance for pain" really have just the opposite. Proximity to such people has always left me thinking they're a helluva lot more sensitive, and actually bitch and moan a whole lot more, than I would in reaction to "equal amounts of pain."

What is the psychological deal here? How come people who make this claim are usually the LEAST tolerant and MOST whiny about basic kinds of pain?

I know that the experience of pain is entirely subjective, and that even daring to compare with someone else opens up a philosophical can of worms ... So let's just stick with pop psychology for now.

How do you confront your SO about trolling for sex on the internet?

jpoulos — Mon, 04 Oct 2004 11:49:32 -0800

Note: I'm asking the following on behalf of a friend...

How do you confront your SO about trolling for sex on the internet? Particularly if you've discovered this in a dishonest way: by logging into his email account.

Many months ago, my SO told me his email password. I never planned on using the information, but I became suspicious a few weeks ago. The first time I logged in, there was a single message that was clearly a flirtatious exchange with a woman. It bothered me briefly, but there was no evidence he was planning on meeting up with her (it seemed more like an erotic email correspondance), so I didn't give it more thought. I also felt that, given that what I had done was grossly unethical, I didn't have the right to be angry. I felt really bad about what I'd done.

I have no way, then, to justify why I checked his email again today. This time, there was a reply from a "pro" telling him her rates. He'd asked her what she did and what she charged.

I was planning on spending the rest of my life with my SO. And I've told him on more than one occasion that I'm opposed to the idea of occasional infidelity, knowing that we're only human, but he said he didn't want that, that it was a terrible idea. So in addition to being angry about his apparent change of heart, I am mad because we're trying to save money for a vacation and--in the far-off future--a wedding. We don't make a lot of money. The idea that he'd be willing to pay for (vanilla, straight-up) sex is really upsetting to me.

I know that I committed a grievous error in judgement by checking his email. But I feel as though I need to discuss the email with him, because it seems indicative of a larger problem. How do I approach him about it?

Armchair Psychiatry

grumblebee — Fri, 10 Sep 2004 06:20:31 -0800

Do you play armchair pyschiatrist? How sure are you that you're right about people's inner lives? Do you act on your hunches? [More Inside.] ["psychiatrist," that is...]

I'm a somewhat eccentric person, I'm shy and don't talk much in public, and I don't show a lot on my face -- so my moods are very open to interprestation. Lately, I've been in a few situations in which people wrongly tagged my mindset. They didn't say "I think you're..." or "It seems to me you..." or "Are you...?" The KNEW (or believed then knew) what was going on inside my brain. One guy told me, "if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit you're lying." And it wasn't a "lie" that he could sniff out by comparing my claim with real-world facts. My "lie" was a claim about my beliefs -- something known only to me -- and he then counterclaimed that I was lying about my beliefs. I wasn't. But he was unshakable. I asked him for some evidence, but he said he just "could tell." This syndrome has even happened to me here. Once a whole group of MeFi people accused me of being dishonest about my feelings. I was actually being quite honest. My feelings were just a bit unusual.

How good do you think you are at guessing what's going on inside someone elses head? After you've made that guess, what do you do with it? Do you present it to the outside world as fact? Is it unshakable? Are you 100% sure you're right? Have any of you ever been able to shake someone else of a belief about YOUR mental state? If someone says, "I can tell you're depressed," there's no way you can prove you're not, even if you're not. Right?