Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and parents

How do I get my parents to stop worrying about my relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:41:00 -0800

Generation/culture gap + relatively young relationship, please advise. Relevant background: Female, 21-turning-22-next-month, full-blooded Asian, agnostic/can't-give-a-damn religiously.

Parents: Traditional, stereotypical Asian overprotective parents, somewhat religious.

Background:

I'm an university student at a decent school in my second-to-last year of my degree. My grades are mediocre-to-solid if not great (spoiled by one particular year), with a healthy amount of relevant work experience. I'm generally logical to the point of that I'm told I'm being cold; in reality, while I'm as emotional as the next person I just try very very hard not to let that affect my judgements.

My relationship history is very sparse. I had a brief fling two years back with a guy I sort of worked with (same workplace, didn't see each other very much). He was (much) older, charming, very similar interests and while in general I knew it wouldn't work in the long term I still put a lot of stock into it. Until I discovered he had a girlfriend. I was furious, hurt, the whole nine yards, and somehow through a mix of guilt and pain and genuine like for the guy still tried to remain friends. He took that as to mean that I'm okay being the other woman and tried sexing me up a few times, which was met with very angry refusals. This fling, coupled with an overwhelming courseload and the job and first time moving out to dorm led to my mental health spiralling downwards and I pretty much bombed that year, failed two courses, and flunked out of my honours degree (back to major now). Stupid? Yeah, what can I say, he was my first kiss. And up until now, he was the only person I've ever touched in a sexual sense.

Anyway. I've since then gotten my act together (ditched the jerk and didn't look back, plus took a year off getting relevant work experience far away), thought a lot about what my dealbreakers are in a relationship and generally love myself through my single life. I'm okay with being celibate and single (one of my rules for myself is that I will not have sexual relations with anyone I'm not in a serious relationship with, although I don't care if other people have casual sex as long as they're safe about it). I consider myself liberal, even if the choices I make for myself are on the conservative end; I don't begrudge others for my choices.

So now that I'm back home, I've gotten my head screwed on right and am at least solidly trucking along in my life again, I've met this really lovely guy my age and we've been dating for...close to half a year now. He is aware of my sparse sexual history and why (I've alluded to the important parts, he never asked for more details and just accepted it), has no problems with the fact I'm a virgin, and seem more than happy to show/teach/explore. We've never had an argument (granted, relationship's still young); there's been hurt feelings once or twice but was resolved, our communication seems solid (although generally I bring up things I think are issues and the boy wasn't even aware that it was worth worrying about, but we've both told each other straight up to bring up anything we're concerned about) and generally speaking we're really quite happy together.

However, my parents are (understandably) wary. They don't precisely know that previous jerk played a large part in my breakdown, but they know there was a guy and it ended badly and it was roughly around the same time. Not hard to connect dots. And that this current guy is my first serious boyfriend, the first one they've met...they're going a little crazy. Particularly worrying for them is a) sex and b) staying over.

I view sex (not that I've had it, being a virgin) as a bonding experience, something fun to share between you and your partner. Parents are of the view that sex is sacred/for marriage/etc. The notion of me staying over at my boyfriend's place is unthinkable, inappropriate, etc. etc. what have you. Sleeping around leads to diseases, girls get hurt more easily than guys, yadda yadda.

I'm aware that it's unlikely this guy will be my life mate. I'm not concerned about that--life is a journey, this is an experience, what have you. I'm happy with him now. I am educated on sex ed in school, and read pretty thoroughly on my own outside of school; I haven't slept with my boyfriend yet but I insisted both of us get tested before we even got to handjobs (we're both clean). We've talked frankly about options for contraception and what would happen if I was to accidentally get pregnant even despite precautions. And no, I still haven't slept with him yet. I'd like to think the both of us are being mature and careful here.

Obviously, given my parents' views on sex and intimacy I'm not exactly about to tell them in full detail why I'm not worried about STIs and pregnancy, because that'd be outright admitting that I intend on sleeping with him. Speaking in the theoretical does nothing to assuage their fears, because "it's different when it's happening to you, and accidents happen". They're convinced that I'll turn into a sobbing wreck if the boyfriend leaves me/if we break up, and doesn't believe me when I say that "I promise, I'll survive". I'm not saying it won't hurt; of course it will. But through the first disaster of a fling I went through a lot of (online, through reading the Green and another level headed advice community) therapy, did a lot of thinking, and generally came to the conclusion that relationships add to my life but cannot be my life and that I am a perfectly lovable, self-sufficient human being on my own. And having worked towards that, I worked my way out of my downward spiral.

I'm generally pretty much a straight arrow; drinking/drugs/staying out uber late partying has never appealed to me, and generally speaking save for that school year of insanity I think I've a pretty level head on my shoulders, and I wish I could get my parents to just trust me a little more. I'm at the point where I feel cornered and defensive about my choices and if something does go wrong, I'd never tell them because I don't feel like I'd get any more than "we told you so". These conflicting beliefs come to a head whenever I bring up my boyfriend in a slightly more serious context: Staying over at his place for the night, go out with him for a late date and/or out with friends (I have a curfew for midnight), what have you. To them, dating a boy means hand holding and dates once a week and god forbid we want to do anything else more sexual than that.

I get that they're worried and scared for me. I really do. And I know that it's not only a generation gap, but the cultural gap plays a huge part in it too. But at the same time, I'm getting tired of being patronized to and that "it's your first serious relationship, it won't last, it won't even matter in a few years". Be that as it may (or may not), this guy is important to me now.

Complicating the problem is that we have a serious language barrier; I grew up in the Americas and English, while not my first language, is my primary language. Theirs is Chinese. There are some concepts like intimacy != sex that I cannot articulate in Chinese for the life of me, and I'm at my wit's end as to how to make them trust me, and my boyfriend, a little more.

Yes, he has met them. No, they haven't said much (language barrier, again; the parents feel awkward, say hi, and get out of our way).

I don't feel it's fair to tell the boyfriend "no, there's no way I can sleep over at your place until after I graduate because my parents feel uncomfortable" when I don't share their beliefs (and it's our relationship, not theirs, right?). But to them, it's family first, and he might abandon me but they never will. I'm already feeling a little starved for attention because I rely a lot on physical contact (kisses, touches, hugs...not even sex) to feel close, and school schedules between the boyfriend and I (different schools, 1.5 hours between our homes) make that very difficult already. But to hear them say "concentrate on school, he's just a boy" (and yes, I do study a lot) and "it's not necessary for you to stay over, why do it? It's not necessary and it's inappropriate" just drives me a little crazy because these are my (our) needs in our relationship, not theirs.

Neither me nor my boyfriend like the idea of sneaking around behind their backs; to us, nothing we're doing is anything to be ashamed of (and lies have a habit of being exposed and blowing up anyway). But this does mean that it's turning into open discussion which seems to go in nothing but circles.

So, hive mind, what's a girl to do? For the record, yes, I am contemplating moving out for next year to dorms again, but 1) I don't know if this relationship will last that long (although I sure hope it will) and 2) that does nothing for the now.

Help me deal with my mentally ill father, who I still need to talk to.

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:27:56 -0800

How should I go about handling my (very) mentally ill father who goes through (primarily) emotionally/psychologically abusive phases with anyone he holds a relationship with? Completely cutting off contact is probably not a solution for a few reasons. Sorry for a long post, but...

History: My father is mentally ill, diagnosed as having a number of issues. He does not properly take his medication, and I'm not even sure that he bothers taking it at all, any more. It shows. I have been out of my (now divorced) parents' household for many years, but he calls me frequently--once a week--and tries desperately to keep tabs on what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. as he likes to try to gain control over people, so he can manipulate situations. It's a taxing relationship that would normally not be worth having, other than there are some issues at hand with cutting all ties. That's where I'm hoping to get some advice.

I thankfully haven't seen my father in about two years, but he's called me and known where I lived, which wasn't an easy place for him to travel to...intentionally. About a month ago, I began a big move, selling a bunch of my stuff with the idea of starting afresh and getting better stuff. I've graduated college, so it is a bit of a new life.

Before leaving where I was, I told my father that I was in the process of moving, but was going to drive around and find a place before settling down, which I have done; I said I'd have trouble getting in touch with him, as I'd be busy, which was/is true. I've only just gotten into a place over the past week. (Maybe it's worth noting that the place is much closer--several hours' drive--and more accessible to him now, which is a slight concern.) My father's been going crazy, though--no puns intended--as he only had my last landline number, so he hasn't been able to speak to me or keep up with what I'm doing. I emailed him a couple of weeks ago, but that wasn't enough, and now he's sending me emails saying I haven't gotten in touch with him for three months. That may be one of his occasional delusions, and I have no way of calculating whether he's reacting angrily or otherwise to it all. Overall, this isn't my problem.

My problem is that...well, really my problem is just that he's crazy, and I'm not (no more so than most!), and there's not really anything either of us can do about it, particularly if he's not going to take his medication and/or consistently go to therapy. When he calls me, he wants to act like he's never treated me badly. He wants to be all buddy-buddy, as if I've never had to keep him, a very large man, from chasing my mother; as if I've never had to call the cops on him; as if he's never verbally disowned me or threatened me to my face in one of his fits. Despite all this, I would still be more than happy to keep a distant relationship with him, where we send cards at holidays and we speak over the phone a couple of times a year. Being mentally ill, though, and pretty damn unapologetic, he can't seem to understand any of this, and he'd even somehow be offended if I tried (yet again) to get him to understand it.

Core Question: With all of this baggage and the issues that still exist, his latest email accusing me of not talking to him for three months (again, untrue) and the fact that he doesn't know where I am / doesn't have an easy means of contacting me leaves me wondering how I should handle it. I have options, but I'm just not sure which I should choose. Should I just cut ties? Should I tell him where I am? Should I give him my phone number? Should I see him again? Is it safe for me to? And on and on and on. I drive myself batty dealing with this.

"So, why are you still in touch with him at all? Why would you even consider it?" you might ask. There are three primary reasons:

1. This is the biggest reason, and it is a material one, but one I care deeply about, nonetheless. There is a lot of land somewhere that, as his only child, will go to me, unless he outright denies me from having it in his will. Some of that land is already in my name, but only a very small portion of it. I want it all, when he finally keels over from all his bad decisions, as morbid and vulturistic as that sounds. I grew up on that land some, and it means a lot to me. I am concerned that cutting contact with him would mean I would never see all of it again. On a lesser note, where he lives is where my parents lived for a long time; it is also the place my mother fled from, finally, a few years ago. A lot of my childhood keepsakes, that I desperately want, are locked up in that home with him.

2. He gets frantic and does some wild things that might affect my life. My father has been known to wiretap, hide recorders, hire private investigators, etc. He currently doesn't know where I am, but if he ever got into the frame of mind where he wanted to know, he could actually easily find out. He would even know if he looked on my Twitter account, but he's too lazy. He loves spending money, though, so if he decided he wanted to track me down, I'm sure he'd hire someone. Doing things like that seem to give him a feeling of importance. Clearly, for my own sanity, I don't want to be tracked down! It seems that minimal, but existing contact is the only way to eliminate this possibility.

3. One of the few ways my father has always tried to "apologize" to both my mother and myself is by spending money. He paid for my college tuition, and a very small part of me is a little bit afraid that if I piss him off, he'll try to come back some sort of way and get that money from me. He'd not have much on his side, as I've got emails from him which don't state I have to repay anything, but I don't want to go through the hassle or heartache of any of that. My father is "lawyer-and-sue happy," so this is a possible scenario, even if small.

So, yes, hopefully you see why I'm hesitant to completely cut ties. I feel like both material/financial and emotional things are at stake here.

Two final things:

Please note that "talk to a therapist" is not the answer I'm looking for, so I'd appreciate it if no one went that route. I have spoken to therapists and guidance counselors in the past, as recently as this year. They all recommend I distance myself from my father, if not completely cut ties. This is good advice, but it doesn't take into account some of the things I have at stake here, which counselors always seem to overlook for some reason. That being said, therapy to help me process all this crap probably is in order, and I'll see to that at some point, when I've got time and a steadier income.

The law is not on my side, really, other than in emergencies, so you shouldn't assume that it is. Restraining orders do little good, other than to rile up the mentally ill party, and it is incredibly difficult to institutionalize someone, even when they have emotionally and even physically abused people. Most of the time you can only get someone locked up for a few weeks; my father has been locked up for that amount of time in the past, only to be released, because of legal reasons concerning how long mental health patients can be kept under certain circumstances. I'm probably not looking for a way to deal with all this, law wise, but if you know of something I don't, I'd appreciate your sharing it.

I hope someone can help me figure out how to communicate with him, but still stay safe and get what I want in the end. Thanks, everyone.

Give me perspective on my dad's dating situation

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:02:52 -0800

My parents split about a year ago. My father has started dating under unusual circumstances, and it makes me somewhat angry. Am I overreacting? How can I find peace with the situation? I've read this recent question . The number of people telling the younger sister to just suck it up made me wonder if I was overreacting to my current situation as well. Help me find perspective.

I am 22, and attending university out-of-town. My sister is 10, and mainly lives with my mother; she stays with dad twice a week. It was an amicable split with fairly fluid arrangements. I’m with mom for the summer, though I recently spent three weeks staying with dad at his request to "be closer".

My dad took a trip business trip back to our home country in late February/early March, and met a girl there. Once he got back to North America, he found a one-year internship position for the girl and her coworker/supervisor at his office. They moved late March. Though this girl has her own apartment, she pretty much sleeps over whenever my sister isn't around, which means I saw a lot of her the past three weeks. She's 27, my dad is 48.

I didn't find out about this situation till I got back in town, late May. My sister met her in April as "just a friend", but clearly knows it's more - this girl had apparently made a comment about how my sister "is adorable, [and should] come be my daughter". Not great, as first impressions go. I talked to dad about this, and told him to try and keep things separate between the girlfriend and my sister.

I don't like this girl much personally - she seems very immature for her age - but I understand it's none of my business who my dad dates. My dad tends to see me in an advisory role and talks a lot about how I'm more mature than he and he's so glad he can talk to me about this stuff. We had a blow-up when he asked me to encourage my sister to be more receptive to his current and future girlfriends and expressed a desire that I would be part of his "new family". He seemed surprised that I felt negatively on both counts, and even more so when I didn't think I would be inclined to try to join in on his new happy shiny family. He can be irresponsible, and didn't consider, for example, common law marriage statuses until I pointed it out. FWIW, I get along a lot better with my mom.

While I was at his place staying in my sister's room, I didn't actually hang out with dad one-on-one, as the girlfriend was around. I don't have the best relationship with my dad, so this didn't bother me as much as the fact that he explicitly asked me to be there (and he's the type to guilt trip me about how we're growing apart) and failed to follow up on it (fairly typical). I'm also very resentful that I was asked to intervene on his behalf on something which I felt was his responsibility to deal with, even more so that it's been complicated by the age factor. I'm angry that he seemed surprised by the fact that my sister would be resistant to girlfriends, and that he expects me to hear about his relationship woes and give him advice (and if I rebuff him on this subject he tells me it's important to him that I be a part of his life). Furthermore, I think it's patently ridiculous he introduced my sister to this girl about 8 months after he moved out, and about a month after they started seeing each other.

My dad is a classic extrovert and while I was there he spent much time out with his girlfriend or hanging out with his friends. To a certain extent, I admit that I'm a little jealous - he tells her stories of his childhood he never told us, he does seem happy when he's around her. My childhood involved a lot of fights between my parents, and a lot of conflict between my dad and I. Nevertheless, every time I consciously think about the girlfriend situation (not often, I'm trying to just roll with it) and every time mom skirts close to the subject (she does understand now that I don't want to talk about it) I can't help but feel really bitter and resentful at nothing in particular, and sad that I feel like I can't trust my dad seems to look out for my sister's best interests. I can barely cover my own tuition and I'm already considering starting up my own fund for her eventual university education, if that tells you anything about what I feel about his reliability.

I want him to be happy, but not at our expense. Is that selfish? Am I wholly overreacting? If yes, and even if not, how can I deal with my anger in a constructive manner so it doesn't take over my life and any hope for better familial relationship with dad? How can I protect my sister from any potential fall-out of this situation? I don't really have any other adults I could talk to about this - I don't want to hurt mom, despite her claims that she's "over it", and all our relatives are thousands of miles away. Thanks for any input!

Rules for a Parent in a New Relationship?

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 20:12:06 -0800

It's been almost three years since my mother died, and my father has slowly been working himself back into seeing new people, but it's starting to cause major family drama. I'm 23 and live on my own in a different city, so this doesn't bother me much. But my 17 year old sister still lives with him, and she's really upset that this is going on. To make matters worse, the latest person he's seeing is my sister's favorite teacher from school. What can my dad do to ease this transition for my sister? What do both people deserve here? We'll call the characters Dad, Sister, and Teacher for the sake of clarity.

I've been kind of caught on the middle on this, mediated between Dad and Sister. Dad's basic argument is that the extreme dad-isn't-allowed-to-date-until-I've-left-the-house desire of my sister are not fair to him. In 18 months, my sister will go off to college and he needs to start building a post-children life. Part of that involves dating, and he doesn't feel like he can just put that on pause until my sister is gone, just because she's upset about the idea. He's been really clear that this isn't about him being unhappy with her, that he's not trying to replace our mother and that he's not going to try to make us think of her as our mother. He's not going to have more kids, although Teacher does have kids of her own. He ended up dating my sister's favorite teacher, which he understands makes this much much harder for my sister, but he points out that you don't have a lot of control over who you're interested in and who's available and sometimes it's not totally perfect for everyone around you and that we should just roll with it.

Sister's grievances are many and varied. The biggest one, as far as I can tell, is jealousy. Being a single child with a single parent forges a really tight bond, and the existence of this other woman (or any other woman) makes her intensely jealous. If Dad's not around some night to help her prepare for a math test, is he with Teacher? Did he pick spending time with Teacher over her? Did Dad push Sister to go to summer camp so he could spend more time with Teacher? If he's trying to cut a phone call short, is it so he can call Teacher? Does he behave differently towards Sister when Teacher is around to impress Teacher? It just drives her crazy thinking about everything that she never had to think about before. She did genuinely like Teacher before she found out Teacher + Dad were dating, but now really dislikes her and wants never to see her again, let alone have a conversation. That switch from liking Teacher to hating Teacher is also troubling for her - what she thought was a positive relationship was instantly soured by Dad.

Then there's a bunch of other related what-ifs that are driving her crazy. If Sister hadn't told Dad how much she liked Teacher, would they not have gotten together? If Sister drags her feet enough can she make Teacher go away? Since Dad + Teacher were dating while Sister was Teacher's student, what does Sister and Teacher's previous relationship mean now?

To Dad's credit, he's been pretty communicative about this whole process, to the extent that he thinks Sister wants to know what's happening. He asked her (and my) permission to start seeing people at all, doesn't ever bring them home, doesn't push for us to meet them, etc. He want to great, great lengths (like never being in public together in our relatively small town) to avoid Sister finding out that he was seeing Teacher while Sister was taking a class from Teacher, for which Sister is indeed eternally grateful. And Teacher will not be teaching at Sister's school next year, although Sister is still wigged out by the idea that people at school will find out Dad and Teacher are together. Dad also feels like Sister is fundamentally opposed to change of any sort, and is unreasonably upset about this whole process. He's willing to do whatever he can to make this easier for her, but doesn't think her fundamental adversity to change means that she can say "no dating" entirely.

So my question is - what's reasonable here? It seems like both Dad and Sister have very normal concerns. If we posit that it's not okay for Sister to veto relationships outright, how can we help assuage her issues with the process? Should Dad be asking her permission to do different things, eg hosting a dinner party for neighbors to meet Teacher, or meeting Teacher's kids, or introducing me to Teacher. Can Sister veto specific events that she's uncomfortable with? How can he demonstrate his priorities to Sister? Really, any advice about kids dealing with parents' new relationships would be useful here, since this is new territory for all of us.

My parents drive me crazy.

divabat — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:32:04 -0800

How do I deal with my parents on limited resources without sending all of us into a fit? (likely to be TL;DR) My parents and I have a very strange relationship. Over the years it has gone from really bad, to quite good, to distant, to just weird. My mother, in particular, has a lot of issues that come into conflict between us.

She's the eldest of two, from a South Asian country, but was brought up by her grandparents as her school was nearby. Her parents died when I was very young; she migrated with my dad to Malaysia when my sister was a little kid (I was born & bred in Malaysia some 11 years later). Her sister is currently in the US with her family, and she's got extended family elsewhere.

She's always talked about how lonely she feels, how she feels that her family keep walking away from her. Unfortunately for her, her immediate family (us) are also the type to fly away. My sis is in the UK, I'm in Australia, and my dad's work takes him travelling often. We're far away not because we deliberately want to avoid her, but because we're all nomads and have found better livelihoods overseas. Still, she often tearfully accuses us of "abandoning" her, of "not wanting a mother anymore".

My dad isn't so great with emotional support. He's a typical dad - logical, stoic, sometimes formal. I'm the apple of his eye (Mum used to go on and on about how as soon as I was born Dad forgot about Mum and my sis and just focused on me) but it can be hard to get Dad to see why I do the things I do. He's very stubborn and has a certain view of what the world should be. Whenever any of us expresses a problem or vent, he either announces that he'll fix it all, brush it off with "don't worry be happy", or thinks we complain too much. The last bit sets Mum off SO MUCH to the point of fights - "Why don't you want to listen to me?! You're always away! You don't value me!!" I've often asked Dad to look after Mum a bit more but all Dad says is "she misses you two. Come back and she'll be better."

My sister and I, despite our age difference and she being far away for most of my life, are very very close. We've both turned out to be iconoclastic eccentric rebels (of a fashion) and we both understand and respect each other's life choices. My parents often try to ask one of us to lecture the other one on their choices "can you tell T not to travel so much? Can you tell M to call us more often?" but often we don't agree with the parents, we think the other's doing OK! Yet when we say this they launch into this tirade of us not caring about each other. My sister gets the worst of it - she's been yelled at so many times for supposedly not supporting me in my depression, for not paying for my education (there was a deal that she'd pay for my uni studies if she got her Ph.D. paid for; she never got enough money to do that but I wasn't too bothered either way), for not caring about me. Even though she's the only person in the family that respects me in the first place!!

My sister sometimes feels bad for me because she went through all the disappoint-the-parents stages first: changing her career from science to illustration, living together with her British fiancé before marriage, going off to weird arts festivals. This has put extra pressure on me to be the "good girl" - which, by my parents' standards, I absolutely "fail" at. They've just had a big upset over my sister declaring herself atheist (after her fiancé refused to perform the Muslim conversion ceremony at the upcoming wedding) - they will freak out if they discover my Pagan leanings!

I've just graduated university in Australia, and have just received a great opportunity that would involve staying here for at least another year. I like it here; I get to be myself without feeling like I'd be punished for being deviant. Due to high costs and restrictions on jobs, my education and life so far has been mostly subsidised by my parents. Getting the visa that lets me stay here longer, find a self-sustainable job, and develop myself to do the things I like costs more than what I have in my bank account at the moment, so I've had to rely on them again for money.

There was some back-and-forthing (which I thought was weird since my parents were pretty keen on me getting Aussie PR and were pushing for it at one stage) but they're now supporting me financially. Hopefully when I finally have this visa I'll have financial freedom and stop leeching off my parents. It doesn't give me emotional freedom though - my parents (my mother, especially) call up wondering where I am, why I don't call back (when I *do* call they think I've gotten into an accident, even though I just want to say Hi), etc etc etc.

My mum has been especially emotional lately. She told me she was "extremely sick"; I asked Dad about it and he said she was working herself into a tizzy because she thought we were fighting over visas (we have disagreements, which are tiring, but nothing to get sick over). It was only after I wrote back with lots of emails saying I'll be fine, I'll look after myself, I'll be responsible, I understand your troubles and know you want me safe etc etc, that she calmed down a bit.

Then today on Facebook, despite all my best attempts at privacy management, she found some photos of me at a Pagan ritual. "OMG SHE'S JOINED A CULT AND PRAYING TO STUPID GODS!!" I had to dodge my dad's questions and build a cover story of us "play-acting", just so they can maintain the illusion of a good little Muslim daughter. (I defriended my mum after another freakout over a blog post - one that she claimed will "send her into hospital with a heart attack". Backfired. She got EXTREMELY upset and claimed that I wanted her out of my life.)

My sister and I have both felt like cutting them out of our lives. But not only is it not possible, it's not very desirable either. When Mum gets a hobby, like interior designing a house or something, she becomes SO MUCH better. She leaves me alone for once! She becomes awesome. Yet now she's afraid of being alone and lonely, desperately wants us back into a country that won't welcome us, doesn't know what to do. And we both know that cutting them off is equal to murder - it's their worst fear ever.

I'm stressed out and tired of having to build my life around my parents. I don't want to feel like I have to hide things from them, but I've already seen the consequences of that. I want to be completely independent of them, but until I get a job I'll still have to depend on them to some extent. They'll always think I'm their "baby" and probably never will think of me as an adult. They absolutely hate the term "It's MY life"; when my sister told them that some years ago they went ballistic.

What do I do? How do I cope mentally and emotionally with this? Am I selfish for wanting to lead my own life even though it clashes with my parents' values? How can I talk to them without every conversation ending in tears (and me being worried about Mum's sanity) or shouting or anger? How can I be true and honest around them if my truth scares them so much?

Paralyzed With Resentment

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:30:23 -0800

How can I stop thinking about my father's bigotry, hatred, and intolerance? With the impending election, emotions are crazy right now. My father (and mother), a die hard Republican, is driving me crazy. I know that Republican does not equal racism or intolerance, but my father is a racist and intolerant. He knows I am voting Democrat this year and we are both tense and on the offensive. I rarely discuss politics with him because it's useless. He is unable to engage in civilized conversation. He mostly yells, interrupts, storms out of the room, and bullies me.

Differing political ideology isn't the only thing that is bothering me. I can't stop thinking about the time (three years ago) he told me he thought faulty parenting caused my cousin to be gay. I can't stop thinking about the time when he wanted to join the KKK, and had literature on his desk about the KKK. I think he was a member for a short time. Other things keep running through my head: The time he told me people that wore Malcom X hats were idiots. The endless and numerous lectures that black people were only looking for handouts. The time he accused my mother of raising my sibling and I as "nigger lovers".

In the last several years he has toned down his language, but I know he still holds these beliefs. He rarely used the N-word around growing up. He never denounced homosexuality outright. He has said, I don't care what gay men do, but some of them "do disgusting things." I hate him for it. He has sent me derogatory, racist emails and YouTube links denouncing Obama. He and my mother think all Democrats are "mean and hateful" and "will bite you on the hand if you let them." They also claim that Democrats are either looking for a welfare check, have class envy, or are elitists. I take all of their opinions as a personal attack and feel paralyzed by it. My chest hurts. I get headaches. I'm stressed. I've started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth for the first time in my life. I feel like my father is a monster in a way. Who is this man that raised me? I'm ashamed. I'm envious of people that have normal relationships with their parents. At times I feel I don't want my kids around him, even though he never says anything hateful around my kids. I visit my parents almost weekly. On one of the latest visits he apologized for sending me emails. I never complained about the emails, he just apologized out of the blue.

I'm looking for coping strategies. I wish I could forget about his ignorant ways and accept that he is only fearful. How do I continue a relationship with him without feeling defensive and angry? I'm going crazy. I resent my mother for loving and marrying someone like this. I resent her for sharing his views. I'm on the defensive with both of my parents. I live 10 minutes away. I cannot cut ties. My father and I have had a very strained relationship for a long, long time. He was abusive in my childhood, all the way up to my late teens. Some years were better than others. The running theme was that my father never cared about my opinions. He isn't, and was never, interested in my life. In my dreams, aspirations, or thoughts. I don't think he respects my profession or my gender. I expressed interest in returning to school for my graduate degree. He asked, "What for? and "Why would you want to do that?"

I'm afraid of him in a way. I'm afraid of confrontation. I pleaded with my husband not to put an Obama sticker on his vehicle because, "I didn't want to deal with my father's bullshit."

Even if he wasn't a bigot, I'd still have the past abuse to deal with. I don't blame them for my problems but I do have resentment that surfaces on a regular basis. I'm in my mid thirties now. I've been to months and months of therapy. I thought I had all of this behind me. My father and mother are not without their good qualities. I want a relationship with them. Cutting ties at this stage in our lives would be painful, I think. I do try to avoid them. I don't call my parents as much as I used to. I sometimes blow off visits. I mostly dread visiting them. I'm ill at ease when I'm there. When I speak with my mother on the phone, I'm not myself. I'm afraid of what they might think. I'm afraid that they will judge me and think poorly of my decisions.

How do I cope? How can I be around them and stop being so defensive and angry? How can I relax? I want to be the enlightened person that can maintain a relationship with them without wanting to scream, or hate them.

Not even Mommie Dearest...

Madamina — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 19:51:35 -0800

Parents splitting up after 35 years -- maybe temporarily, but I'm betting on the long-term. They're both crazy, but my mom is C-R-A-Z-Y, and her poisonous attitude has now doomed this relationship for good. Our own relationship has always been strained, but how do I even begin to relate to her now? Background: I am in my late 20s and see my parents about once a week. I'll be in town for at least six more months as I finish grad school. My parents have had various problems for a long time, especially since my brother and I moved out, and now my mom has announced that they are "taking a vacation from each other." She will be staying in the family home, because she "knows how everything works" and she works out of the home; my dad will be renting a room a few blocks away.

My dad is hardly perfect, but he has tried so hard to do things on her terms and ask what he can do to make things better. My mom's M.O., however, is to have absolutely no idea what she wants and then, when presented with something in exasperation, yell, "OH, ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

She is your basic passive-aggressive responsible first child Midwesterner. She has this habit of getting an idea in her head and, when things don't go according to plan, she gives up and shuts down. To give you an idea of our relationship, she once told me that she felt like a failure because things did not go the way she wanted, primarily because I had free will. (????) I know she was reflecting on herself, but I am an opera singing gameshow champion who will soon graduate from a master's program completely free of debts, police records and drug problems. Hel-LO.

She is just SO un-self-aware, and it has ruined our relationship. She is absolutely obsessed with propriety and the way things should be, so for example she manhandles me in public if I am bouncing my legs. But she thinks nothing about her own propriety, to the point of telling people she barely knows about how I supposedly spent my high school summers having sex in my boyfriend's dirty basement. No boundaries, no respect, nothing.

So she told me about the separation by saying that, "oh, it's no big deal" and then, as I sat there slackjawed, jumping straight into some breezy little anecdote about something funny that happened AS SHE LOOKED FOR A NEW HOME FOR MY DAD. And that's not a big deal? This is very typical. Throughout my life, I've been taught that my emotions are completely backwards from what they should be -- both from what she thinks they should be and what everyone else feels.

Hell, I've been upset with our relationship since I can remember. We're talking power struggles since I was 3. But what is usually a politely concealed simmer is making me want to napalm her house. Her behavior has made her waste money, fill the house with junk, and now has taken the last shred of stability away from my dad. I'm not even mad at them for separating; I've been separated myself, so I know it could go either way. But I am so very, very angry with her for treating this -- outwardly, at least -- as an opportunity to lie around with a margarita.

Where do I even begin?

(Yes, I've been in therapy for a long time, and have made some progress, and am staying as far away from the situation as I can.)

Dear Mother, let me share the cover with my lover

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:11:50 -0800

What is the best way to communicate with my parent regarding my wishes for an upcoming visit from the girlfriend? Specifically, sleeping arrangements... Soon, my girlfriend of several months will be visiting me at my parents' home for a number of days. Neither myself nor my siblings have ever brought a romantic partner home, not even to watch a movie in a group during high school and certainly not for a stay of several days.

In discussions with my parents regarding this visit, they've brought up the subject of where to let my girlfriend sleep. Their consensus seems to be that I will sleep in a spare room, while she will sleep in mine. When this is mentioned, I either do not comment or say that we'll figure it out upon her arrival.

Their idea is not acceptable to me. I am a senior in college, and my girlfriend has graduated. At the end of this summer, she will be relocating to another continent for several months, so until next year our only convenient opportunities to see each other will be during the summer months.

Prior to leaving college for home, my girlfriend and I spent every night sleeping together in the same bed. To go from this arrangement to one where we will not even be in the same room is extraordinarily frustrating for us both.

Unfortunately, I have no choice but to host in my parents' home. I do not have the financial resources to acquire an apartment, and the unusual schedule of my college makes it difficult to fit into traditional lease and sublease cycles in the first place. I return home rather than remaining at college because it is extremely difficult to obtain summer housing at my school, which with few exceptions does not let students live in housing not owned by campus. (This is not a religious school). While I do intend to visit her at her home (currently also her parents' home), that will not be possible for a number of weeks.

My question (finally!) is this: what is the best way to approach my parents about this situation, and to convince them to take my side? To be clear, my goal is not to be given their blessing to have a week of nudity and wild sex, but simply to sleep together in one bed while clothed in sleepwear. My parents are not conservative, but their own admitted limited experience in relationships other than their own, the lack of history of anything like this from myself or my siblings, and their stated desire to keep us in separate rooms makes me nervous about how I approach this subject.

Any advice from those who have been in similar situation, or from anyone who wishes to provide some suggestions, is greatly appreciated.

How to break the news to the conservative parents?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 17:52:49 -0800

My girlfriend and I have been living together for about a year, and her conservative Asian parents don't know. How do we break the news to them? We moved in together last year, and she didn't want to tell her parents then because she was afraid that they would freak out and disown her. I'm not so sure; her father is the stern silent type but her mother seems like a sweetheart and they both seem like realists. She's the only daughter of four children, and it seems like she's kind of the favorite. Serious old-world shunning seems a little unlikely. Then again, they're her parents, and she'd know better than I would. Therefore, I've generally deferred to my girlfriend's judgement about when and how to deal with them. Since they live in another city, it hasn't yet been an issue.

She's in her first year of graduate school in a lucrative field and I'm just finishing my undergrad this semester. After that I'll be graduating and getting a day job while pursuing my career as an actor. Somewhat understandably, this doesn't endear me to her parents, as they envision her meeting a doctor, or at least a lawyer. So I worry about being seen as a leech. I'm not; I pay my own way and intend to continue doing so, but I can see where their reservations come from. They also seem to have this "actors are professional LIARS" prejudice that I thought had died out a hundred years ago.

Obviously we can't keep this hidden forever, but a simple "call them up and tell them" may not be the best thing. My girlfriend is terribly nervous and says she has no idea how they'll react. I'd like to salvage whatever scraps of good impression I can by seeming responsible about it. We have been considering waiting until I have graduated and am gainfully employed before telling them, but whether we do that or not we are at a loss as to what strategy to take.

Do we tell them that we JUST moved in together, i.e. that I moved in to the apartment that they think she's been living alone in? (We moved in simultaneously.) Do we tell them we moved in together nearly a year ago, and that we've been hiding it? (Sorry Dad!) Should we wait till I graduate or get a job and then look for a new place and "move in together" then? Should we keep up the subterfuge until I "make an honest woman out of her?" Wait until the first surprise visit? (I thought for sure it would have happened by now, but so far no "just passing through" moment has yet to occur.) Is there another option I'm not seeing here?

I'm particularly looking for people with experience with conservative immigrant parents of significant others. They really are a different creature than other parents, or so it seems. It's like they're from Mars.

Any advice is helpful.

Sorry this is anonymous, but her father is a notorious snoop and a known google-whiz.

Playing therapist to parents? Never again.

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 20:32:53 -0800

Imminently divorcing parents, naive and idealistic father, playing therapist to adults - the works. Help me not hate my family! Background: My parents married relatively young with little to no experience in the dating world. By the time they realized how incompatible they were, I was on the way. Over the years, financial strife, settling up in new countries (we've been across three continents) and the arrival of my baby sister have all delayed the inevitable. It will be an amiable split, I think; they're good people, just not for each other.

Caveat: There is a woman. Who is madly in love with my father. When he moves out, she is very likely going to divorce her husband, fly across the ocean with her pre-schooler of a child, and move in with my father. They have never done anything, according to him, but they have exchanged emails, and he claims that she is the sort of woman he could see himself building a family with.

And through it all, he seems to have chosen me as his de facto confidante. I've given him the following reasoning:

1. A new relationship so soon after the split will do the opposite of what he wants - alienate my sister, whom he loves to death.
2. A relationship based on her abandoning her previous life to be with him is founded at its core on obligation - "I threw away my life for you and now you want to end it?!"
3. If he didn't know what he wanted first time round, he's putting too much into his judgment this time round. People don't change.
4. It's completely irresponsible to that lady's child to have its world turned upside down, and I can't possible condone that when my own sister is only in 2nd grade
5. What happened to DATING? Cohabitation seems insane, to my current frame of mind.

Not that I don't want him to be happy. I just don't see how this current situation will lead to that end.

He acknowledges my points, but sent me a length email asking me to try and accept his decision and by extension her. He claims that he prolonged his marriage with my mother out of responsibility and that it's time for true love to transcend responsibility. *cue eye-roll* Which, y'know, fine, since I've gotten so sick of him trying to get me to "accept his decision" anyway that I just want to wash my hands of it. But he's expecting some form of syrupy, "I just want you to be happy despite my being convinced that you're batshitinsane" response when all I really want to do is tell him to shove it. (Except that would make me feel guilty, ungrateful, and like a horrible human being. He's my FATHER. it doesn't matter that I hated being around my family growing up. Family is family.)

How do I gracefully exit this situation without causing even more strife than already present? How do I tell him I'm no longer interested in caring about his decision when his email was full of guilt-tripping, feel-good catchphrases like "I know you care about me and that's why you're upset"? I could try to avoid this until I go back to school in January and am no longer at home, but I get the feeling that won't be the end of it. He's looking to move out May absolute latest.

Should parents finance grad school?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 May 2007 06:20:26 -0800

Should parents help their children pay for grad school if they can afford it? My parents are divorced, but both are in households considered in the top 1% of the US in terms of income and net worth. After limited financial assistance from them during undergrad, I am getting no help at all for grad school. Am I out of line to expect that I should? I am transitioning from undergrad to grad school (after taking a couple months off), and am now faced with footing $60K in tuition and living expenses over the course of the program. While I realize there are a number of funding options – like private loans, which I will be taking – I have developed an unhealthy resentment towards my parents due to a combination of their significant financial status/holdings and concurrent unwillingness to help me offset the cost of my education. I have given an elaboration on the relationships with my parents below. Do I have irrational expectations? If you could please offer your take on the situation or even general insight on how I can get the hell over the resentment, I would be most appreciative.

My mom is technically remarried, though not by ceremony. She and my “stepfather” (with whom I have an awkwardly disconnected, though very polite relationship) have lived as “man and wife” for 15+ years. They try to maintain something close to a balanced partnership, e.g. they own their house 50/50. Over the years, his success has become disproportionately greater: while my mom makes a bit over $100K/yr, my stepfather pulls $400K+ and recently sold his share of his company for somewhere between $7-10M in cash. Concerning school, my mom helped with exactly half of my undergrad expenses (disqualified from Federal financial aid and reluctant to take loans, I worked to make up most the difference). However, she is adamant that I should not expect any monetary help from her (or my stepfather) going into grad school.

My father runs a sizeable company (it has $50M in assets, limited debt, and he has a majority holding). On a weekly basis I watch him squander hundreds to thousands of dollars on, what seems to me, useless shit (nondurable goods and services). This has gone on for years. I have asked him repeatedly for even meager financial assistance, which he often promises, but has constantly failed/fails to deliver, despite his otherwise seemingly frivolous spending.

Additionally, I guess it doesn’t help that neither of my parents agree with my chosen career path. While I don’t think my particular field is important for this post, I’m going to a moderate-to-highly ranked school and the program will lead to a $55-75K/yr job when I am done (based on for average starting salaries for past grads). I also have one younger sibling who is in college.

I’ve also set up a throwaway e-mail: mefi.is.a.sugardaddy.of.wisdom@gmail.com . Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

How do I best get acquainted with my boyfriend's kids?

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 13:08:49 -0800

How do I best get acquainted, and develop a good relationship, with my boyfriends' kids? The initial question glosses over the important particulars, as initial questions often do. Oh gods of brevity, I meekly request your grace:

We've been dating long-distance on-and-off since June, but we've known each other for over two years, through work (He was, um, my boss at my college work-study job). Because of the awkward work situation, we didn't start dating (or even confess our feelings) till I'd almost graduated and wasn't working with him anymore.

Unfortunately, I was already pretty committed to moving halfway across the country at that point, and neither of us felt comfortable with me giving that up for a nascent relationship. So I went, and after some minor bumbling at first, we're still together and it's lovely and the more I learn about him, the luckier I feel.

But we know the long-distance thing won't work long-term, so I'm moving back to the area in a few weeks. I want to make sure I'm going about this as wisely and responsibly as possible.

Here's the practical breakdown: I'm 23, and this is my first serious relationship. He's 33 and divorced, with primary custody of his two children (9 and 7). He has a reasonably civil relationship with his ex-wife, who gets the kids every other weekend. He's a good dad who loves his children to death.

Our initial plan was to have me rent a small apartment in walking distance of his house, but the available ones are a bit out of my price range. Plan B is to have me look for a cheaper apartment farther away and spend the difference on buying a car, which I'll need at some point anyway. We toyed with the idea of me moving into his house but decided that'd be really hard on the kids.

I'll be moving away in six or seven months to start school, so we'll have to reassess the situation then. If we decide we're in this for the long haul, they might come with me. But we want to be absolutely sure before uprooting them like that (and risking things getting ugly with their mom - he's avoided a court battle till now because of how it might affect the kids, even though she's never paid child support.).

Basically, we're trying to tread carefully over these practical quagmires, and to that end, I'd like the input of the hive mind. From what he's told me, his kids seem lovely - brilliant, funny, mature, and well-adjusted. I never thought I'd end up with a guy who has children, but I've gotten used to, even excited about, the idea, and it's important to me that this be a positive experience for them. For what it's worth, I'm his second serious girlfriend since the divorce (which was 4-5 years ago), and they seemed to accept her a lot more readily than he worried they would.

So: how should I introduce myself into their lives? I guess I'm just looking for general advice, particularly from children of divorced parents, and those who have dated divorced parents. (As a side question, would it be a very bad idea to move in with them before we're engaged? I think I know the answer to that one, but I'll ask just in case I'm being overly cautious.) I'll possibly get a sock-puppet account to answer any questions, or e-mail jessamyn.

(oh, and we'd both want more children of our own, but since I'm going back to school, it wouldn't happen for several years.)

"Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain."

madajb — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 14:26:16 -0800

How do you deal with parents moving to your town after years of living far apart? My wife and I moved away from our parents back East after college, first to the Midwest and then to the West Coast.
Now, with retirement looming for both sets of parents, they are making serious plans to move out to our town.

So, the scenario looms that, after more than 10 years of being thousands of miles away, we'll be living within 5 miles of both our parents, neither of whom know a soul in the town except for us.

Now, of course, in that time, we've gone home for some Christmases, and the occasional summer holiday and whatnot, and they've come out for a few days every other year or so but this seems different.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you deal with setting boundaries, expectations, etc? Hell, how did you decide whose house hosts Christmas dinner?

Dealing with guilt?

jca — Tue, 11 Apr 2006 14:06:05 -0800

How do you deal with a family member who constantly inflicts feelings of guilt? My friend's mother makes him feel guilty about EVERYTHING. His mother likes playing the "victim", passing negative judgements on others, being overly critical, wanting to be the center of attention, etc.

Since I didn't get that from my parents, I'm trying to understand his relationship with his mother a bit better -- I'd just like to be able to give some worthwhile advice or help. This dynamic has obviously affected relationships, self-esteem, etc. I imagine they feel a lot of anxiety when being around this person.

I assume this is all about exerting control over someone -- a type of bullying?

Do you have someone in your life (parent(s), relationship, work, etc.) who tries to inflict feelings of guilt to get their way? How do you deal with it?

Do you find yourself driven by guilt? Do you use it on others? Is it a person's own fault if they let someone make them feel guilty about things they probably shouldn't be feeling bad about?

What can someone do to address this problem?

Appreciate any advice/insight on this.

lying to your girlfriend's parents?

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Jul 2005 19:12:54 -0800

Lying to your girlfriend's parents...yay or nay? The time is fast approaching where I will have to attend a dinner with my girlfriend's parents and be grilled with questions with unpleasant answers, such as religion (I'm an atheist, they most certainly are not), age (there is some considerable difference between us), and my home life (NOT GOIN' THERE) and who knows what else.

My question is, would it be best to just tell them what they want to hear now, until such time where my answers won't matter, or just come clean now and risk making the relationship, and our own personal lives, all the more difficult to maintain?

Fish and Houseguests

Goofyy — Thu, 20 May 2004 13:03:23 -0800

Dealing with parents: How to say 'no'? They want to make an extended visit beyond anything we find reasonable. More behind the door... My partner's parents are wonderful people. But they have this desire to spend 3 weeks in the UK, where we live (they're in Belgium). If we are away, they want to stay here without us, if we're home, its 3 weeks of company. We find this a majorly unwanted intrusion. We usually limit our visits there to 3 nights maximum. I am the more strongly put-out (that is, these are my in-laws), but even the other half is not happy about it. Lame excuses are not going to work. How to convey a polite 'no'?