Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and marriage

Keep a name from a previous marriage?

Goodgrief — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:43:13 -0800

I am divorced and retained my married name because I like it and it suits me, and my kids share it. I would like to keep my name, even if I married again. I am dating someone casually who has mentioned that anyone he would marry would have to change her name to his. What is the hive opinion of keeping a name from a previous marriage? Is this unheard of? Should this be a dealbreaker?

How do you save a marriage after an affair?

wantstobeadesigner — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:27:19 -0800

My world is destroyed after an affair. I desperately need advice. Its a long story... Please help. This is such a long story... I will try to keep it as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We just got married 3 months ago. About 4 years into our relationship I had something blindside me. A married man came on to me. Before I knew it, I was involved in an affair with not only this married man but another younger, single man as well. This went on for less than a year before I broke both of them off completely. Neither of the relationships were meaningful beyond a lust level.

I tried to carry on with my life like nothing happened and never told my bf. We got engaged 6 months later. He still had no idea. My guilt never really went away. I went on antidepressants. My personally was changing. It was killing me and us.

Then, six months after the engagement the truth started to come out in the form of rumors. Many of which were true but I continued to deny it. I told my fiance half truths thinking I was protecting him. I told him that I was having feeling with the younger guy but I never admitted anything sexual happened... I also completely denied that I had anything to do with the married man fearing that his family/young kids would be destroyed. In hind site I cant believe I ever committed such horrible acts. I had convinced myself it never happened.

I went on living a lie for a the entire next year. Several times I was asked if there was more to the story and I was always to scared to fess up. I went on with lie after lie. His fears were very founded and never subsided. I went through with the wedding, we bought a house. Three months later I cracked.

He was begging for the truth and I started to give it to him. He was so upset he left, made plans to move out and he wants this relationship to end. Here is my problem. I am so desperate to try and make this work, but I still am too scared to admit the whole truth. I know he will go to the married mans wife and I am so afraid that I have done enough damage and dont want anyone else to feel this hurt. I am really guilty and so so ashamed. I cant stand the idea of how this additional information will hurt my husband. I know I am in the wrong but still want to save my relationship. What should I do???

Help me help my wife

alshain — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:37:24 -0800

My wife has confidence, self esteem issues. We have been married for four years and we have two kids. I live in Canada and she's from S. Africa. She lived there all her life until she was 22. We met there. Got married there. But now live in Canada. She is finding it difficult to adapt. The life here is very different for her. One of her biggest obstacles is her accent. Also, because she has lived in S. Africa for so long, she finds it difficult to connect with people and family from here.

I live with my parents. Which doesn't help. It's a culture thing. Family business doesn't help the matter either. My brother who is married to a Canadian girl, lives a few houses down.

My parents connect with my brother's wife than they do with my wife. My wife usually gets left out of the loop. She is also shy and likes to keep to herself. She is very soft spoken and a very kind person. Problem is she takes garbage from everyone - can't stand up for herself.

How do I resolve this issue? I know I have a few issues going on here.

Grow up or build a time machine?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:19:36 -0800

How do I make it feel like home? Is it possible to develop a sense of family with your partner eventually, or should it have been there already when you were dating?

I've been with my partner for a long time, and, I confess, I only got into the relationship in the first place because of all the magic and romance I felt at the time. I didn't think it would get serious, but I was very much in love and fantasized about marriage. We got married, it's been awhile. I still love him very much, but for lack of a better term, I find myself feeling homesick. His family is nice, not quite warm and fuzzy, but nice, and kind. WASPy types. They don't live near us, which is fine, and exactly what I thought I wanted when I used to dream of having my own family. We're in our thirties, don't have kids, no house, and we've kept our money and finances totally separate with no desire to combine our assets into one account or pool.

Maybe I'm being stupid, but I don't feel like a family unit with my partner. I don't care about the the accounts, it feels more like a symptom of whatever is wrong with me. I feel like we're in a long-term dating relationship rather than a marriage. I don't think I want kids with him (he's a little high strung and anxious, a lot of the time now as he nears his forties, qualities that I don't think go away when you deal with children), we've had two abortions already (which possibly started this feeling I had that we weren't a real family or he didn't want to be a real family).

My own family is overseas and far away. I miss them and can't see them regularly due to distance and work. The way I felt growing up was so lovely and warm. Here, no matter how much my partner says he loves me, it feels like there's some isolation and underlying tension between us. He says it's not supposed to feel warm and and nurturing and unconditional the way it was when I was growing up because we're not children anymore. I don't know if my expectation that we should feel like a little family instead of people who are cohabitating are off or if this is a sign that this isn't a good fit, or if there are ways I can make it feel like a family.

Friendship after Marriage

macross city flaneur — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:25:57 -0800

I keep noting a familiar pattern among my friends who "settle down" - either in marriage or a long-term relationship. They inevitably seem to cut themselves off from their friends and refuse to leave the house, even on weekends. Job situations remain a stable variable from their earlier, more social lives - the only thing that changes is the seriousness of the relationship. Kids being a time commitment (and source of exhaustion) I understand - but many if not most of the couples I'm describing do not have children. Is this "normal"? Or is it dysfunctional? What causes it, do you think?

My heart is betraying me.

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:42:30 -0800

I am in (long-term, abiding) love with more than one woman. I am marrying one, but I need to deal with my feelings for the other. Our society seems to be built around the idea that one man loves one woman and that's it, but this one man is not living that experience. I have been in a long-term relationship for (more than five) years currently, and we are getting happily married (within the next two years.)

That is what I want and I am looking forward to it without any qualms or misgivings. That being said, I also love a close female friend who I have known since elementary school, and I don't want these feelings to interfere. She is also in a long-term relationship and thinks of me mostly as a friend. We have never done anything whatsoever inappropriate or non-platonic, although we do spend time alone once or twice a week (we've been doing that for a few years since college and the inherent drop-off in volume of friends since then.) We consider each other our "best" friends; as an only child, she is the closest thing I ever had to a sister. ...A sister I have lurkingly romantic feelings for, I guess.

It is not that, logically, I want to break up with the woman I want to marry or anything of that sort. In fact that is totally unthinkable to me. It is simply that the idea of not having my best friend in my life...the idea of sharing her with her eventual husband...it pulls at my heartstrings a lot harder than I thought it would. I can't provide details but I hear that she might be moving away soon, and that devastates me. I don't want it to devastate me, but it does, just as though she were breaking up with me...although of course she is not.

Yes, I have told both women most of how I feel. I don't think either is particularly ecstatic about the situation, but they both seem to understand and even sympathize, love being blind and etc. I know what needs to happen, externally; move on, get married, be happy. I know I can, and I'm trying to prepare myself for that. As I say, it's not as though I love my fiancee any less.

But how do I handle these feelings? I feel that I am betraying the woman I will marry by also falling in love with someone else. I feel devastated that she'll be less a part of my life. I feel like an insensitive clod for even expressing my feelings to them both, although I think it may have been the right thing to do. Is there anything else I can or should do? Any advice for coming to terms with this unrealistic need for a second female companion? And why is my heart whoring itself out? Isn't this kind of love supposed to be one person at a time?

How do I come to terms with my boyfriend's refusal to marry me?

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 08:01:54 -0800

So my boyfriend and I had the marriage talk; he said no. I'm having difficulty coming to terms with it. Help! My boyfriend and I are in our early-mid twenties and have been together for about four years, about a year of which has been cohabitating. In a more typical situation, I don't think I would have dreamed of bringing up the possibility of marriage, but there are increasingly pressing (to me) practical reasons why I wish to marry my boyfriend.

Basically, I moved to his country so that we could live together (this was something he very much wanted, and which I was ambivalent about - I didn't like long distance, but I would have preferred not to move). I'm a legal resident here, but not a permanent one, and my visa is not one that ever leads to citizenship. This is problematic for me if I'm to make this country my permanent home - I have a disability that is expensive (at best) and impossible (at worst) to manage properly here until I get permanent residency. There are other reasons I'd like PR - I wish to go back and finish my degree at some point, which is going to be incredibly expensive without it, and the career I had planned to take up upon completion is in the public service - non-PR/citizens are ineligble - but the disability is the primary reason.

As I'm not going to be eligible for skilled migration until I complete my degree (pretty much impossible right now due to astronomical cost), the only option I see is to marry my (citizen) boyfriend. Don't get me wrong - I don't *just* want to marry him for immigration purposes. We had discussed marriage in the past and both agreed that we would probably do it sometime in the future. This was fine until my disability worsened - and now I want to do it sooner, but he has refused.

He says he thinks marrying so I can get PR would make the marriage meaningless. I have difficulty accepting this explanation - he is not someone who attaches a high importance to marriage in the first place, per many previous (less personal) conversations on the topic.

I'm feeling really screwed over right now - I left my entire life for him, and he won't give me what I need in order to build a new one here. I guess it sounds bratty, but that's how I feel. I suggested me moving back to my country, at which he started crying and said he doesn't ever want to be apart from me (and he doesn't cry easily). I'm having difficulty reconciling his claim that he wants to build a life with me with his refusal to help me to do so.

Anyway, sorry for the long rambling background. My question isn't "how do I get my boyfriend to marry me" because I need to respect his decision that it's not what he wants, but "how do I accept this?"

Thanks in advance for your help. I hope my explanation was not too unclear :/

What to do after you open Pandora's box?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:34:22 -0800

My husband is cheating on me and has been for at least two years. He doesn't know I found out. Now what? I've had suspicions for a long time, but nothing concrete that I could point to and say, "See!" It was just uneasy feelings. We used to share a computer and one time I found a lot of gay porn links in the history while trying to recover a tab had accidentally closed. I talked to him about it, but he said he had misclicked, and like I said, I had nothing really concrete to point to.

A couple days ago he was in the bedroom on his lap top, it was late, and he came out kind of in a rush and asked if I wanted one of those iced coffee drinks from Wendy's because he wanted a frosty shake. I said sure and he went off. He was gone a long time. Longer than would be normal, so I texted where are you? He texted back that he had gone a whole town over to the Starbucks. It seemed odd to me because he had just scolded me about money and Starbucks by us is way more expensive than Wendy's. But Starbucks was closed and he was going with his first choice, and he'd get me coffee at Wawa. I reminded him he said Wendy's and he got flustered and said he was getting a milkshake from Wawa.

It just felt off and I shouldn't have done it, I know, but I went to the bedroom and opened his lap top. It was on and his gmail account was up. He was exchanging e-mail with someone from craigslist, and they were discussing some meet up place with glory holes and stuff. My husband was telling him he'd been going for at least 2 years and was happy there.

I was off by the time he got home and he handed me the coffee. He didn't even have a milkshake himself. It was weird.

The next day I ran his email name through google and he had used his e-mail name as his user name for a website where you advertise for quick hookups.

I don't know what to do. We have a young son together. I'm a stay at home mom and haven't worked in over 5 years. I have no money because my husband has always said he works for the money so it's his, and I get only what I need. So I feel really helpless. I know this is going on, but so what? I don't seem to be in a position to do anything.

I'm embarrassed and scared, and my chest hurts all the time thinking about this. I haven't told anyone in my family because there's so much going on right now like weddings and stuff and I don't want to ruin anything, and a lot of them thought I was too young to marry and would be very much I-told-you-so.

What should I do next? Who should I talk to besides him? I don't want to continue this marriage.

ifeelsostupid@gmail.com if you have advice too long for a comment.

Should I acknowledge ex's wedding?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:28:50 -0800

I found out recently that my ex-girlfriend of 3 years is engaged and getting married in less than 2 months. Should I acknowledge it? My ex-girlfriend ("Mary") and I dated exclusively for over 3 years while in college. While we dated, we were very close, and we even lived together for a good portion of that time. We broke up amicably and mutually in 2005 and although it was on friendly terms, we haven't really stayed in touch beyond a couple of emails and calls since then. I am fairly sure that if I emailed her today and said hello, she'd be likely to respond (I say "fairly sure" because now that she's engaged and in her "OMG I'm getting married!" mode, she might not be as interested in writing to an ex-boyfriend).

Following our break up, she finished school, relocated to another part of the state (300+ miles away), and found work and a place to live near her extended family. I stayed here.

Recently I found out through a friend that Mary is engaged and getting married very soon - less than 2 months. My friend is a friend of hers on Facebook. I am not on Mary's friends list and she is not on mine on Facebook (it has always been this way). Through some simple Internet sleuthing, I was able to find out Mary's fiance's name as well as their wedding date. While I always knew that this day would eventually come, I have to be honest in admitting that the surprise of the news struck me a little hard. I am genuinely, sincerely happy for her, though, and I really wish nothing but the best for her.

I have no expectations of receiving a wedding invitation, nor has she contacted me directly with the news. According to my friend, she openly and regularly posts about wedding preparations on her Facebook page.

My question is this: Should I acknowledge in some way (email, call, card, gift, etc.) this big news? It feels odd to me not to acknowledge it somehow, and I really feel like I should, but at the same time I feel like if she wanted me to know, she would have told me directly. So I'm torn about what to do. So, I'm coming to you! I'd really appreciate your insight and advice. Thank you.

Throwaway email for questions/follow-ups: exgfmarriage@hotmail.com

If you are married, is it mandatory to say so on your Facebook profile?

farmersckn — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:33:21 -0800

If you are married, is it mandatory to say so on your Facebook profile? I have a Facebook account and I have my "relationship status" turned off. In fact, most of my "Info" on Facebook is disabled. I also do not have my account searchable online. My wife is upset and thinks that I am embarrassed by her because she we are not "linked" on Facebook.

Am I in the wrong because I have not "linked" our two accounts?

She is also upset because I have not initiated any conversation with her through Facebook, and I did not reply to a post she made that mentioned me.

Is my wife getting overly jealous about this? We have already had several arguments about it lasting several hours total. Her argument is that all of her friends who are married are "linked" so I should "link" her too.

I'm not exactly sure how the process works but AFAIK she has not "linked" me, either. Is she doing this just to test me?

What did he do that made you cheat?

surenoproblem — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:46:30 -0800

If you've felt the temptation to cheat, or have cheated, on a guy: what sorts of things was he neglecting to do around that time? Or what things was he doing? I realise that there are a multitude of external factors, and no-one really drives their partner to infidelity, but I'd like some insight into what behaviours make a relationship more susceptible to infidelity.

A female friend is feeling an acute temptation, and the mistakes her partner is making are obvious: he's emotionally distant, he's uncontactable for days at a time. It got me curious: are there broad, general patterns? Are there mistakes that aren't as obvious?

I'm hoping for specific, empirical examples, as opposed to common-sense generalisations.

For example; I'm hoping for things like, "whenever I tried to tell him about concerns I had at work, he was uninterested and had a dissmissive attitude as if I were just sharing office gossip".

And I'm less interested in things like, "just be a good husband and have trust in your wife".

If privacy is an issue, you can send answers to what.didnt.he.do@gmail.com, and I'll post the answers here.

Thanks a lot!

Help me unsmoosh my heart (and my ego).

ohyouknow — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:14:47 -0800

My heart just got smooshed, and then I woke up to this on my iGoogle page. Can you help me keep the hobgoblins of my mind at bay today? I know it's okay to still be a single woman in my mid-30's, and 98% of the time I'm happy and grateful for the many things that are good in my life. Today is another story. Do you have any stats or links to help me shut my mind up, to counteract feeling like a bit of a loser for being that 12% that hasn't found the love of her life yet?

FWIW in terms of statistics, I'm living in a major metropolitan city, I have a post-graduate degree, I'm white, and I'm not unattractive. (Though sometimes that last point feels does not feel relevant or helpful at all in this department because I tend to attract/be most attracted to players...but that's a different matter.)

Bottom line is, I'm just feeling a little blue today. I know that it's not the end of the world, my whole purpose in life is not to get married, and I do enjoy my single life very much. But it is also true that I really enjoy that feeling of clicking with someone, of being in love, of feeling understood. And yes, I'm starting to crave someone I can share those feelings with for the rest of my life. Thanks in advance helpful interweb people!

Do I really have to say goodbye to all that, so soon?

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:04:33 -0800

I love my husband. But we can't really have sex, and that's not going to change. I'm thinking of looking elsewhere for it. I am a straight woman in my early forties, and my husband and I have been married for nearly a decade. He's a brilliant and lovely and very courageous man, and I love him dearly. I know he loves me too, and he's very good to me. But several years ago, he suffered significant nerve damage as a result of surgical complications, and as a result, our formerly enjoyable sex life has become very grim. He still experiences sexual desire, but he doesn't have enough nerve endings left to feel much actual sensation, and it is extremely difficult for him to achieve orgasm. (I should note that he already uses erectile dysfunction drugs, which help slightly, and that we are well aware of all the options and treatments available. I'm not seeking advice on the management of his medical issues.)

We still regularly engage in... well, I don't really think of it as sex any longer. I think of it as "Trying," a difficult and difficult-to-describe set of activities that very occasionally leads to an orgasm for him (a few times a year), but mostly not. Trying generally lasts for a couple of hours, and it is a fairly tense and often heartbreaking exercise that is of necessity focused pretty exclusively on him. He is always happy to do anything he can for me sexually, but since it does still turn him on, I afterward have the unappealing choice of either ignoring his needs or starting a round of Trying. So I don't ask. And I miss sex. I miss fun, easy, sexy sex, and I really miss sharing it with a partner who's having fun as well.

As much as I love my husband, sometimes I rebel against the idea that I will be cut off from the pleasures of the flesh for the rest of my life. Lately I have found myself wondering whether it would be possible to occasionally seek them elsewhere, and whether I would be such a very bad person if I were to do so. I am not interested in strangers, drama, or unnecessary risk, but my husband occasionally travels on business, and I have fantasized about having a discreet and trusted friend whom I could visit during the odd intervals when he's away. I have only a small circle of friends where I live at present, and I don't think there's anyone locally who would be both interested and sufficiently well-known to me, but I have an old friend back in my hometown whom I could at least see once or twice a year when I visit my family. I've known him since grade school and would trust him completely. He's habitually unattached -- so I wouldn't be infringing on a wife or a girlfriend -- and he's fond enough of me that he would never do anything to hurt me or jeopardize my marriage. (Although he's not fond enough of me to get hurt. We were friends with benefits back before the phrase was invented, but there's no greater spark between us.) I haven't even hinted at this to him, but I'll be visiting my hometown in a few months and would like to make up my mind in advance.

My husband is handling a deeply painful disability with more grace and patience than I would have thought possible. I love and admire him for it, and for many other things, and I have no intention of leaving him. But it's hard for me too, and sometimes the years stretching ahead look very bleak. I never thought I would seriously contemplate breaking my vows, but I also never thought I'd be in an essentially sexless marriage before I was 40. MeFites, have any of you been in a similar situation? If you were in my position, would you do it?

I love my husband but I keep wanting other men

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 07:48:56 -0800

I love my husband, he is a wonderful, caring, attractive man but for some reason I don't want to have sex with him even though I'm really REALLY interested in sex. Posted anonymously for obvious reasons. Some background info - I'm a healthy, successful 32 year old woman who works hard to look good, my partner and I have been married for 9 years (no children).

I love my husband, he is a wonderful, caring, attractive man but for some reason I don't want to have sex with him even though I'm really REALLY interested in sex.

It gets worse - I now frequently have sex dreams involving friends / co-workers, but never my husband, and it's starting to affect my everyday life. We were at a party a few weeks ago and I had to purposefully keep myself away from one of my husband's friends who'd been in my dream because I was afraid I'd have one drink too many and be all over him.

And I keep having this recurring dream about a very cute co-worker, it's been going on for months now and I just can't see the guy at work any more without mentally undressing him. I don't know why I'm like this, I've just always had a high sex drive, and the enticement of danger and excitement doesn't help!

I love my husband, I have no desire to hurt him in any way, but whenever I make advances he has an excuse ready 90% of the time and we have sex so infrequently now that when we do it's weird.

He also strongly associates sex with love, whereas for me sex is just an experience, something really fun to do, a life experience to be enjoyed. I tried explaining this to him once but it didn't go down well; he is the jealous type and abhors cheating.

I feel like a horrible terrible person for saying this but if I COULD have sex with other people and he would never find out or be hurt by it in any way, I would. But we're married, and that's cheating. I just don't know what to do... I love him, he loves me, but he never seems to want me even though he *says* he does (actions speak louder than words!), and consequently I finding myself wanting things I shouldn't want.

Can there be a happy outcome to a situation like this? We have a good relationship and a lot of history together but this lack of any and all sex in my life is becoming unmanageable. I'd really appreciate any and all feedback, personal experiences, etc. Thank you in advance.

Sex - how many times/month is typical for married couples?

blahtsk — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:36:23 -0800

For couples married around 5 years - how many times a month do you have sex? Our average is around 3 times a month, I'd like to see us increase that to 5. (Let's not focus on that part; there are health issues involved.) We don't have kids, we're 32 years old, married 7 years. My wife tells me that her work friends in similar situations say that sex 2-3 times a month is average / normal for them.

I'd like a larger sample set than a few work friends. For (satisfied) partners in a similar situation, how many times a month do you do it? (I'm concerned that my desire for 5/month is high.)

Thanks in advance.

What is a "successful" relationship

pauldonato — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:16:40 -0800

How do you define "success" in relationships? I think I'm hung up on how my previous relationships went that I'm too scared to form new ones.

Is success defined in relationships based on whether neither party regrets having gotten in it? Or is it based on whether both parties behaved honestly with good intentions? It obviously can't be based on whether either party got hurt, because then that means most people are inevitably going to be failures.

Here's the cases that are bugging me...

Two cases where she got hurt:

- My first girlfriend (Sr. year of High School) fell in love with me, then I broke up with her, then we kept sleeping together, and then I told her that we had to stop, and then she got depressed and had to take Zoloft

- My first girlfriend after college fell in love with me, then I broke up with her. We were very passionate and close together, and her best friend (who was also a good friend of mine at the time), really got on my case for "leading her on."

Two cases where I got hurt:

- I dated my next door neighbor in my freshman year dorm, but I felt soo insecure around her, and I was so paranoid anytime she'd show any kind gesture to any of my other dormmates. After she broke it off with me, I became really neurotic about her, and obsessed about her the following summer, especially when some of my former friends/dormmates were visiting her during the summer.

- I dated someone recently who always went hot and cold, and she drove me into insane neuroses that were hard to shake off. It was so hard that I got physically ill, and I broke it off because I couldn't stand how aloof and emotionally unavailable she was. Afterwards, I kept thinking about her and got really angry with her for months.

In these four cases, I've come away with a really strong feeling that I fucked up majorly somehow. In the cases where she got hurt, I imagine the tears in her eyes and hear the message, "Why the fuck did you do this to me?? And don't you dare do this to anybody else." And from the cases where I got hurt, I get the strong message from myself, "What the fuck did you get yourself into?? Don't you dare do that again."

I feel that people around me don't blame themselves as hard, and see relationships as learning experiences like trial-and-error. I also kind of view them skeptically, like they're being irresponsible, by only being into a relationship for what it affords them now, and not even realistically considering whether they see themselves with this person forever.

Is there some perspective I'm missing? How can people feel good being in relationships knowing that they inevitably end (given divorce rates and how long we're living anyway)?

I didn't defend my wife...what should I do different the next time?

teg4rvn — Wed, 27 May 2009 11:56:59 -0800

I think I put myself in a compromising position that I think I could have handled differently. New acquaintances came to me privately to essentially say that my wife was very rude to them. I was a tad astonished at their directness, but essentially nodded knowingly. I was there when the *rudeness* happened and said nothing. My wife loves this couple and is trying to make further plans with them which I know will go unanswered. I can't tell my wife why they're not calling back because I did not defend her. What should I have said to this couple when they came to me? My wife is very opinionated and has a hard time when others disagree with her. On multiple occasions over the course of a weekend house share together, some disagreements came up. My wife usually responds to such disagreements by raising her voice and emphatically saying, "No! You're wrong!" (or something like that) and generally laces her rebuttal with eye-rolling, knee slapping, and simply utter contempt at the other person's position. Most people who know her and love her have simply just avoided conflict with her or just have learned to back down. I mentioned this once to her long ago and she feels that people are intimidated by a headstrong woman and she doesn't want to be the meek, irrelevant woman of yesteryear. A man who acts as she does would be considered in a positive light, according to her, apparently.

Could I have handled this differently? Should I have played dumb and defended my wife when they came to me?

Should marriage even be a hard question?

namespan — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:38:15 -0800

Should marriage even be a hard question? Are there people for whom it was who end up very happy together? I know some people who think this decision should be mostly easy, and is, when you meet and develop a relationship with the right person. This view is very attractive in some ways: it seems to simplify some decision making. I'm looking for other points of view, formal or personal (but I'm willing to entertain points of view that reinforce the idea that "just knowing" is a better way).

My question isn't really abstract. I'm in a situation with someone who is lovely, sexy, smart, fun, and generally all kinds of awesome. We've known each other for four years, dating occasionally and across state lines for the first two years while communicating a lot long-distance; we've been together for most of the last two years, except for the last few months. She's been head over heels over me since we first met, I've been slower to get in but really liked her from the beginning and have come to love her very much. We've had some very happy times and a close connection.

Despite this, there's been a lot of tension and some trouble in the relationship, no small amount of it related to the fact she's always been ahead of me in terms of how much deeper she was in, and we've managed to make ourselves miserable over the question of whether this would lead to marriage. She's at the point where she's ready to move on. I know we're both wondering if the fact that this is difficult is the answer itself, but I also wonder if sometimes people can get stuck in some ways that keep them from getting to the other side even when it could be completely fantastic.

I'm more interested in abstract answers (studies, anecdotes, philosophy) about how couples who go commit from this point tend to do than direct commentary on my situation, but measured advice is also welcome if my question shakes something compelling out of you.

How can I make her realize I'm not her ex-husband?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 08:41:37 -0800

We're trying to get back together, but she has trust issues. How to overcome these? I'm from a culture that sanctions arranged marriages, and I'm in a situation where a girl I've known and liked for a while is the one I might have a chance to marry.

I first met this girl (let's call her Jo) when she my cousin's roommate in college. We talked on IM and the phone for a while, and it was obvious she really likes me. I wasn't ready to get married at the time, and she ended up getting hitched to someone else.

Her marriage lasted for 2 months. Her husband was cruel and treated her horribly. Jo broke it off when she found out that her husband had another girl on the side and was in the process of getting engaged to that person. She was devastated and demoralized by the divorce.

In the meantime, I'd met a girl as well and I got engaged to her. I ended up getting dumped by this girl, and it broke my heart. Jo and I got back into contact and started talking.

It was as if the old chemistry was back. We would talk for hours. So, I broached the subject of marriage last year. Jo freaked out and sabotaged a potential meeting between our families. She says I'm to blame for the meeting not going forward. What happened is that her aunt called my mom and asked us to come down and meet. Jo then began acting as if she was being forced into this. Not wanting her to do anything against her will, I cancelled the trip. Jo was mad because I hadn't consulted her prior to cancelling.

Last week, I met Jo's aunt when she came to the city I live in for a wedding. The aunt really likes me and has encouraged Jo to give me another chance. Jo seems more enthusiastic about marriage this time around as well.

Still, she has some of the mistrust of men that was caused by her old marriage. Is there any way for me to help assuage her fears and make sure the marriage goes off smoothly?

If you need more info, I've set up a throwaway e-mail address. It is arrangeddude at gmail dot com.

Beggars can't be choosers?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 08:20:14 -0800

I think she likes me. I think I like her. Do I marry her? Context: Arranged marriage I'm 26. Since forever, I've never had a woman that I was interested in romantically reciprocate a romantic interest. Maybe I was socially awkward, maybe I wasn't physically attractive enough, who knows.

At some point I accepted that women I was interested in were not attracted to me romantically.

Well, my parents asked me to consider an arranged marriage. After all, it's in my family culture. So I started meeting parents and their girls of marrying age. Even here, I had no luck until this past weekend where a girl indicated an interest in me.

Great news except now I feel pressured. I will get a chance to talk to her but I can't imagine 30 minutes, or even an entire day of conversation will reveal the kind of details about a person acquired through months and years of dating.

I guess my real concern is my ability to attract a companion in general. There are a limited number of women that will be matched up with me in this process. How do I identify the one that I should be asking to marry me?

If you had an experience with an arranged marriage, please do chime in.

Goes together like a horse and trumpet

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 11:22:13 -0800

I've never been someone who practises their married signature or plans a dream wedding dress. Now, suddenly, I like the idea of getting married to my SO very much. Why? Help me reconcile this! Is this what they mean by 'The One', or does this come with age? It's a bit of a weird feeling and I'm not sure how to deal with it - and I don't want to ruin things by saying it to him!

It was pretty common where I'm from for girls to settle down in their late teens - I've always been a romantic, but in the poetic 'big love' sense, not the Hallmark card-and-ring-on-the-finger sense. I don't want children (this will not change, but let's not go into this here) and I could never see myself being with someone I wanted to be with for life, nor vice versa. And not being religious nor caring about having a princess day, the ceremony/event in itself never meant that much to me.

Now, I've been in a few LTRs and am now with someone wonderful. We've been dating for two years now, don't live together yet but have plans to when the circumstances are right for us both. I feel differently about them than I have other people I've been with - I don't believe in 'soulmates' but we fit together perfectly, we know each other's flaws and love each other enough to work through them. He's told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and while part of me wonders when he's going to snap out of it ;) I don't see anything wrong with this plan.

The problem is that suddenly I feel like I really want to get married - not now, but definitely in the future. It's not that my friends are getting married, it#s not that my parents want me to get married (one sibling never has, the other is divorced), it's not that I feel like I'm 'on the shelf' or 'it's about time' - I've never seen marriage as a cast-iron part of my future/hopes/dreams and I've always seen The Rules idea that 'if he doesn't want to marry you, he isn#t really committed' as a load of horseshit. I find the idea of weddings, both cost-wise and the whole etiquette minefield/paraphernalia around it, a little bit terrifying. So what's this all about? Am I just a bit drunk on love? Or is this what happens when you meet the person who you're going to eventually marry? Help me reconcile this.

Feed my Google Reader!

jeffrygardner — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 22:13:39 -0800

Help me find a good marriage advice blog. My wife is terrific. We have a great relationship and she is amazingly supportive of me in anything I do. I want to keep our relationship as good as it is now. I am just looking for an entertaining blog that gives good relationship advice, and hopefully a couple of great ideas for small loving gestures that I might not have thought of.

I am not looking for:
- A blog focusing on "fixing" a dysfunctional relationship.
- Anything religious in nature or preachy (for example)

Nothing too serious. Just a blog to help me be the best husband I can be!

How do I learn to not need someone and how to be an individual

doppler68 — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 12:53:24 -0800

How do I move away from needing someone to freely choosing or not choosing them instead? And the closely related question is how do I become more of an individual? Due to my job situation I've had to live apart from my wife for the past year and a half. For the first 9 months she had the kids, but now I do. Right now, it's a nine hour drive's distance between us so we see her only once a month or sometimes less often for a weekend. Our marriage is strained in the first place, and the distance has only made things worse. She needs to sell our house in order for her to move to live with us. It's a bad economy, so this is going to be difficult.

There are many issues we are dealing with, but there is one that I thought the hive-mind could help me with.

Since taking the children with me to our new home, my wife has had considerably more free time. She has been getting more and more involved in her church. She is going to college to be a nurse. She has gotten involved in a network marketing business. She has become increasingly independent and more of an individual. This has threatened me because she needs me less and less. Actually, I don't think she needs me at all anymore. Which is an inevitable side effect from living apart for so long and probably healthy. But also I have realized that I have not become more of an individual. Even though our relationship has been toxic, I still find I need her. I've stagnated in my personal growth. I feel like I've been so absorbed in our marital issues that I've failed to invest in myself.

It seems to me that needing people or someone is a characteristic of our early stages in relational development. As we grow up, we theoretically become more secure in ourselves and need others less. Instead of needing them, we choose them or choose not to be with them. I am 41. I don't feel that I've grown up in this way. How do I move away from needing someone or people to freely choosing them or not choosing them instead?

The closely related question then is how do I become more of an individual?

Russian brides via the internet - do they work?

vizsla — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 13:32:47 -0800

I have a friend whose friends are Russian brides who got married via an internet site. I'm wondering how long these types of marriages tend to last and what they are like. Are there any blogs or research about experiences of these kinds of relationships?

Ring Around Your Finger/Rope Around Your Neck, short term/long term

emhutchinson — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 15:06:22 -0800

When you consider marriage, do you have a time frame? Not for the ceremony, mind you, duration of the bond itself. When you were married, did you think forever or hope for ten to twenty? More? And if you are as yet unhitched, do you think towards the future in terms of numbers, or an indefinite?