Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and love

I am completely lost.

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 16:01:21 -0800

My emotional life is in complete disarray. Help! (Very long.) My life is in disarray. I'm 24 years old and am two and a half years out of college. I was fortunate enough to do well in school and snag a "good" job. I hate where I work (large accounting firm). I've been looking for a new job since I joined. I've had a few interviews but nothing that panned out.

I went to school a few states over. College was a blast and I made some great friendships. Afterwords I graduated and moved home, where I have no friends. Two years later, I still live with my parents. I'd like to move out but I'm subconsciously and consciously resistant to moving to the city when I'm going to be all alone. Yet at the same time I can't meet anyone because I work and then commute back to the suburbs.

I'm in a relationship with a girl that I've been dating for two years. We met through OK Cupid. The relationship has gone stale, maybe. The whole thing is a mess. We're great friends and we have fun together when we hang out. But I think our personality differences may be incompatible in the long run. I love books, keeping up on current events, researching new music, etc.; she loves watching TV and most of my jokes go over her head. Further, whereas she used to live in the city in which I work, she had to move back in with her parents a state over due to job issues, so now we live about two and half hours apart and see each other on weekends if we're lucky. Writing these things out, they read slightly trivial to me, as I am sure they do to you. Regardless, I know it's probably better if we break up but I can't do it. After we saw 500 Days of Summer she remarked to me that she thought that it was like she were the guy and I were the girl. (If you've seen the movie you'll understand the reference; otherwise, it's not important.)

I just feel so restless. I want to quit my job, sever the few personal ties I have, and just travel, or something. My dream job is having a passive source of income. My current job has allowed me to understand real estate valuation and investing fairly well and living at home has allowed me to amass a fairly large chunk of change for someone my age (i.e. greater than $50,000) but which as far as investments go is still a relatively paltry sum.

I know that this is all extremely childish. I know I'm on the wrong track in life but I don't even know what the right track would look like. I feel so completely lost. I've never felt "normal." I've always had trouble relating to people and making friends. I don't feel like I'll ever be "normal" and often think that I'll end up old and alone. Often I suffer from suicidal ideation. Generally I think I do a good job of masking these thoughts and feelings from others.

People I know are starting to get married, have kids, etc. This is so far beyond where I am emotionally. Maybe I'm depressed. My parents speculate as much, sometimes. At the very least I feel like my personality demonstrates the characteristics that one would associate with the notion of being bipolar (do people still call it that?). I believe my brother also may be bipolar, although I am not positive. He's seen a number of therapists and has received a number of drugs for anxiety, ADHD, and other issues but my parents have tried to keep things generally opaque.

Given all this, what do I need to do to get my life on track? What are your thoughts? I anticipate some may suggest that I see a therapist. I already tried seeing one and am mostly opposed to seeing any others. I don't think a therapist is going to be helpful and I won't be able to commit to something in which I don't see value. I realize that I have given you a mouthful. Your thoughts appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Can you rekindle feelings for an ex by acting like you love them?

whitelily — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 14:36:08 -0800

Can you rekindle feelings for an ex by acting like you love them? When you first start dating someone, that initial "high" makes you want to spend a lot of time with them, gives you warm fuzzies when you're with them, etc - so it's easy for love to grow. Let's say you eventually break up with that person and mentally get over them so you no longer have the warm fuzzies feeling or the craving to spend a lot of time with them. Down the line, despite those things you have reasons to get back together with the person. So you start spending a lot of time with them and confiding everything in them. Can those warm fuzzy feelings come back? Has this ever happened to anyone?

In other words, in terms of relationships, is it possible to fake it till you make it? Act like you're in love with the person again until your love for them really does return? Practice the action of love in order to develop the feeling of love?

Thanks in advance.

Am I suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome or do I truly love my girlfriend?

kleenkat — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:58:48 -0800

How do I figure this out? Am I suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome or do I truly love my girlfriend? I've been with my current girlfriend (I'm also a woman) for a little over a year and a half. I've always had issues with dating or relationships since after my first "long" relationship, 11 mo, when i was 16/17ish. I've had two significant exes in my life whom I felt were the ones who "got away" but I know certain things happen for reasons and blah blah blah all that stuff.

I'm now with someone who is very smart, shares my sense of humor, and who initially I was attracted to. We share a lot of common ideas on life and responsibility stuff (bills, finance, etc.) which has been rare in a lot of my past relationships.

But now, three months after buying and moving into a house together, I sometimes leave work at 5pm and do not want to go home. I feel we bring out the negativity in each other. Please forgive my honesty, but when she talks to me about certain stuff, or just on a car ride longer than 20 minutes, she talks on and on about the same negative thing, and I just say "mhmm" and stare out the window.

I feel like I've lost a connection with her but I'm unsure if there ever really was a connection because I was so eager to be with her because we were good for each other. (Seem to be). I also know my last semester at grad school was very stressful and I felt I was taking on a lot with work full time, school full time, and i would still get home about an hour after her and she'd be sitting at her computer and I was left to cook dinner (more often than not). She did not clean our small apartment either, ever. She said it would change when we moved into our house because she would want to. Well guess who has done 90% of the cleaning of our new used home? Not her.

I have always sought other ways to relax via smoking and some drinking every now and then. I am now 27 and have held a stable life and career since about 24. She always says she feels like I have to self medicate to be around her, or that is the impression she gets. In general, I truly like to just relax and do those things. Other times it's completely true and I don't know what to do about it.

Our sex life is practically nonexistent. She farts a ridiculous amount and I am serious, for the first year she never did once. Now I don't care, don't get me wrong...but every night and morning she just lets them loose and I can't even fathom being intimate with her. It's been over two months since we've had sex. Along with the farting I feel she does not go out of her way AT ALL to do anything to impress me anymore. I know it's not all about me, but I try to do for her; especially lately. I want us to mutually want each other.

I guess I am spilling my guts here because I have no close friends I can really tell this to so please forgive my honesty. I moved here about 2 years ago and never had a chance or just never made many friends other than a few old friends who live about 30 min. away.

Sometimes I think how wonderful, thoughtful and kind she is. Other times I think she is just lazy about chores and has no desire to take care of herself. Sometimes I mentally plot an escape plan since we just bought a house, and I know it would be financially impossible for us to split without some prep work. Other times, I just think I need to get myself more grounded and accept things the way that they are. Nothing is like on movies; love is not like in songs or movies; my girlfriend will never declare her undying love to me or be passionate with me; but I am in a loving, mostly supportive relationship so what is wrong with me, and how do I fix it?

Just not feeling it and what I feel isn't good either and I want to know why

VC Drake — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:28:31 -0800

You're dating someone. Something just doesn't feel right in your gut. You feel uneasy. What could be all the possible reasons for that feeling? You keep going over it and over it in your mind. What is missing? What is wrong? They treat me good, so why do I feel unsure, scared or concerned? It's that feeling that no matter how much you want to trust and feel free to love, you're not feeling it. You can't find any apparent reasons that you shouldn't be feeling totally confident and sure about the relationship, but you still don't. Even over several months, the feeling never goes away. You just can't seem to trust the person you're dating and you keep having that nagging feeling in your gut. You've had solid, trusting relationships in the past, so you know it's not you. What could it be?

Help me get over the honeymoon phase.

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:24:28 -0800

I'm extremely infatuated with my boyfriend of 1 year, to the point where it's getting a little annoying. Advice? I began seeing my current boyfriend in August of 2008, and we became exclusive a couple of months later. I was quite smitten with him from the beginning, and I was expecting that "honeymoon phase" to last two or three months, like it has in all of my other relationships... and it still hasn't subsided. We even lived together over the summer, which I figured might dull my enthusiasm a bit. But it didn't at all. If anything, I have a bigger crush on him now than I did when we first started dating.

I'm normally very even-keeled, so this feeling has puzzled me from the very beginning, and now it's starting to feel a bit... cumbersome. I don't act crazy or clingy -- in fact, I'm really not very demonstrative about my affections at all -- but I feel like I think about him way more than I should. I'll catch myself daydreaming about jumping his bones during class, or in a free moment I'll randomly start feeling giddy about how lucky I am and how great my relationship is. Every time he kisses me (which is nearly every day), I get that butterflies-in-my-stomach, squeeee-I-can't-believe-this-is-really-happening feeling. It's EXHAUSTING.

I tend to think that, when people obsess over things, it's often because they're subconsciously trying to avoid thinking about something more difficult - i.e. some aspect of their lives that's lacking, or something that's worrying them (this seems to be a widely-held view here on AskMeFi). I don't really think that's the case here though. I'm pretty content with everything that's going on in my life right now. I'm about to graduate from college, my career path seems pretty solid and I'm excited about it. I have a close-knit group of friends, no shortage of hobbies, and I get along great with my family. So it's not that my "crush" is providing a distraction from something unpleasant. Nor is it interfering with my productivity. It's just emotionally taxing, and I feel like I should calm the hell down already.

(Factors that probably have some bearing: I'm 23, boyfriend is 28. I've been in two other long-term relationships, and had a handful of casual flings, but this is the first time either of us has been "in love".)

Help! Need advice for giving friend advice!!

Hydrofiend — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:24:00 -0800

How do I tell my friend the truth in a way that she can hear it, then take what she can from it and do what feels right to her? One of my closest and dearest friends believes me to be insightful and intuitive. I believe the same of her. She's been dating someone who she hoped I would meet and give her my "take" on because she feels I will not only be honest but be correct in my assessment. I met him this weekend. I LOVE her, she is my dog, my ace, my girl, the person I can tell all kinds of crazy shit to without judgement (I am very lucky to have her as a friend.) Love for the dude, not so much. Well, not that I don't like him...here's the story, backwards. My first impression is he's nice...to her. He is very attentive, stares at her with stars in his eyes and clearly wants to be a husband and daddy. It's obvious he wants to fill her every desire or need. To me, he's trying way too hard and that it might come from a place of desperation. Spending time with him, I feel he thinks she will save him in some way. From his demons or fear of being alone....I don't know. My issue is that I'm not sure whether his desire has anything to do with my friend as a person or if that's his goal and he's gonna get it however he can. I know she has the same concern but it's difficult to turn down someone who wants to wash your dishes and make love to you until the cows come home even though you are not sure whether you want that with them in the long run.
The thing is, my friend deserves to have someone look at her with stars in his eyes. She deserves someone who wants to make babies with her. She deserves all that she desires but.....homeboy seems a little off to me. He seems to have a fantasy in his head about whatever it is he thinks a relationship should be and, to me, that's not fair to my friend. She is fantastic sans fantasy and deserves someone who sees that. I get that we all have an idea of what it is we think we want when we think about loving someone for the rest of our lives but shouldn't that be based on the actual person whom we are thinking of spending the rest of our lives with? ("Starry Eyes" has expressed his love for her, his desire to live with and make a life with her....all good things if both people feel the same way. Not to mention they've known each other for about 6 months. The 1st few wrought with some drama, see below.)

OK, some of the messiness:

Their shit:
-My friend got out of a 2.5 year relationship shortly after meeting "Starry Eyes". (like literally a few weeks. She wasn't looking but apparently he was and he persued her consistently)

-She still has unresolved feelings for her ex and has made that clear to "Starry Eyes". She's been working through it but for the past months also beginning a relationship with "Starry Eyes".

-"Starry Eyes" was engaged in an open relationship when persuing my friend. (but apparently "open" meant just fucking, not falling in love)

-When he got caught with my friend by his fiance, he ended his engagement-the confrontation ended it, went into therapy and moved out. (He has subsequently made other decisions for My friend, complying to her wants and desires. Good on a whole but troublesome in that he didn't make these choices on his own , prior to meeting her)

-My friend has been honest with him about where she's at in terms of being in a relationship. He has told her he will wait.

My Shit:
-I'm fresh out of a stream of jacked up relationships, some involving infidelity on both ends. I'm pretty sensitive about the subject and can smell shenanigans a mile away now that I recognize the hows and whys to relationships involving such behavior.

-I'm a little jaded right now and not really feeling like I know jack shit about how to make a healthy relationship happen (in therapy thank you very much.)

-I've been in situations similar and have since realized that although shit like this happens, is bound to happen in your late 30's, it doesn't mean that you HAVE to build a relationship based on such shit. And, if you do choose to, all parties need to be clear and communicative.

My friend wants my input and advice. She asked me what I thought when "Starry Eyes"wasn't around and I told her not to ask just yet. She knows me and I know her-well. It's gonna be a long conversation. She's been grappling with her thoughts about this relationship for a while now. I love her and want to be honest with her but am trying to figure out the best way to say what I mean given my own issues right now. I know life can be grey and messy. Things are not always clear-cut and tied with a pretty bow. But I am still working through my own shit to discover what that all means to me.

I tend to romanticize in general but am in a real realist mood. How can I communicate to her what I sense about "Starry Eyes" yet express to her that it is clouded by my own sense of romantic relationships right now? Who knows, they may make it through and decide to move on in relationship. I just don't want my input to make her make a decision that might not be right for her but I also want her to pick up what I'm putting down. Oy! Help!!!

"What are you doing?" "I'm ending our friendship." NOOOOO!

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:34:59 -0800

Help! Can I salvage this friendship even after experiencing the searing pain of rejection? (CAUTION: lengthy beanplating)

Okay. About six months ago, I posted a smart, sassy personal ad under "strictly platonic" on the local Craigslist (not in the US) seeking someone to talk to, hang out with, with the intention of expanding my social circles and being introduced to someone else's social circle. It was w4m since most of my friends (maybe 90%) are girls and I don't have enough guy friends. Having never used CL before, I was surprised by the caliber of responses, mostly coming from interesting, articulate people, and ended up hanging out with someone who really did turn into a friend, and corresponded with a couple more who were local, but were currently assigned elsewhere for work.

Enter: The Man I Speak Of. Despite being an American in America and being over a decade older than me and never having made a friend over the Internet before, he replied to my ad. He had been to my city some years ago, and he worked in the airline industry and so could pretty much fly anywhere. Now, of course, being a MeFite and having been a nethead for 14 years, I am no stranger to online interactions with people from around the world, and upon the requisite Googlestalking, he seemed to be everything he said he was, so I thought, what the hey, why not? He wasn't the best speller, but he still seemed articulate, had a questioning mind, liked to think on his feet, an extrovert, was also interested in books and movies and music, and best of all, he was extremely funny and there was a certain je ne sais quoi in the way he wrote that just made his personality jump off the page. (I'm sure you can see where this is going.) Our highly enthusiastic e-mails escalated in frequency to daily, and eventually we also started chatting daily (with the occasional voice chat). At one point we were chatting twice a day for hours, despite the time differences: when I woke up and he was getting ready for bed, and when he woke up and I was getting ready for bed. We would even chat when he was traveling. If we couldn't chat, he would e-mail or leave an offline message, some little nugget for me to find. (Data point: he was on extended leave from work, and I was between jobs.) I can't even remember what we talked about, mostly getting-to-know-you stuff and common interests I suppose. He would jokingly censor himself when I complained that he ranted too much. We had a strange relationship. It was still strictly platonic on the surface, even somewhat paternal, but clearly we were getting very attached to each other. Eventually, we decided that this wasn't very healthy, and decided to cut back to chatting only once a day. The next time he traveled, he didn't bring his laptop. He started attending adult classes and working on a writing project, so he would have some accomplishments to show for when he comes back from his leave. Good, right?

Three months into it, I'm not sure how, our voice chat turned somewhat flirtatious when he complimented my voice and my laugh. I was flattered, and of course I really liked him, but I wasn't sure if I could put any stock into it, since we hadn't met. He had sent me his picture, but while he wasn't unattractive, I wasn't sure if I was attracted to it, or to him physically, so I kept myself in check. Then, maybe a week later, he started acting strange and distant. I didn't catch him online for days, and he didn't leave any notes. It seemed like he was avoiding me. So then I ask what's up, and he goes "What am I going to do with you?" Then he admited that he had a drinking problem, that he couldn't lie to me, that he had been thinking hard about it because he wanted to be more than friends, that he knew he could be very charming, but that he didn't want me to make any emotional investment in him without knowing this very huge thing and he was worried I would write him off.

Well, dear MeFites, I didn't write him off but I also didn't know how to handle the bomb he dropped. (I mean, up until this worldly older man, I had mostly been involved with geeky types, engineer types, and sensitive indie musician types.) I really, really, really liked him, but I told him that it was something I could handle if we were friends, but that it would definitely be a problem if we were to be more than friends. So, we stayed friends, and of his own volition, he started seeing a doctor and going to AA meetings. I tried to be very, very supportive and help him stay positive. He had previously kicked his smoking habit, I knew he could do it. The tenor of our conversations changed: deeper, more serious. We both expressed a desire to lighten up, but for some reason it would constantly tip towards the heavy end.

In spite of myself, I started to develop feelings for him. Rationally, I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't help feeling tender and affectionate after he showed such vulnerability. I started becoming uncomfortable with the nature of his friendship with an attractive married colleague he had a crush on, and even more uncomfortable that he vaguely implied having had "friends with benefits" and outright upset at the possibility of him jumping on an opportunity if it arose. Yet I didn't necessarily want to be "with" him and it felt unfair, I didn't own him. But I liked him a lot and felt very attached to him. He had asked me out to see a certain movie and he planned on coming to my city for a week, but that no longer seemed to be on the horizon (he said it would be December at the soonest) given all the things he wanted to do (lose weight, attend more classes, do the 90 meetings in 90 days in AA, complete the writing project), and so we chatted less and less.

And then the disaster happened. I won't give any details because I don't want to turn this into a pity party, but a major natural disaster ravaged the region, and we were pretty badly hit. I sought him out for comfort, and he in turn was supportive towards me. He seemed to really want to help, but realistically there was nothing I could ask him to do.

I lost my Internet, and we no longer chatted regularly. Then I learned to tether my mobile phone and logged on more, but he would no longer go online at the "regular" times, unless we set up a time to chat. But even when we set up a time to chat, and I would be late for a few minutes because I had trouble connecting or grabbed a bite before logging on, he would not wait for me like he used to, now that I didn't have a constant connection. One time, just to prove my hunch, I was online right on the dot and stayed invisible. He was late, stayed online for 3 minutes, and left without leaving an offline message or e-mail. I felt him growing cold. Maybe he lost interest. Maybe there was someone else. He did say there was a woman he liked who he wanted to be his sponsor, but according to AA rules it had to be another man. I asked him to tell me if something was up. He said the only thing that had changed was his schedule, that he couldn't keep up the same hours he used to, and that it would be the same if he went back to work.

A month after the disaster, I was grasping at straws, I couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote him a longish e-mail explaining why I was acting strange, that I felt that I was losing him, that I felt confused and may have feelings for him, that I missed him, and lighter times. I said that I had to lay low for a while, and maybe later on I would be back to my rational self and be happy for him and the new developments in his life. I told him he didn't have to reply. Well, he did reply and say that he could go online at 9:00am his time the next day. So I went online and waited. And waited. And waited. An hour later, he was still not online, so I fired off a line about how it was getting ridiculous. He e-mailed back and apologized for forgetting, noted that I seemed mad, and said that since I kept late hours, he thought he might still catch me. I said that it was just that after I had sent that embarrassing e-mail, going online to chat with him felt like having to face the firing squad, and that when he didn't show up, I felt like an idiot, but that I meant it that he didn't have to reply. (I partly wished he wouldn't, as I wanted it to be a swan song of sorts.) He sent a couple of e-mails a few days apart, pretending to work on a response, and when the actual "response" came (a one-word text file) I wondered if he was just dicking me around or if it was part of a running gag between us (him building up something which ends up being nothing, applied to jokes, anecdotes, faux documents). However, I was too sore about previous events that I didn't dignify it with a response until two weeks later, just one line. He asked me how a trip I took was. I replied with just information about the trip and nothing more. Since then, silence.

It hurts so much.

I know, I know, I know, it was a stupid thing to do and this only means he doesn't feel the same, and he has offered no reassurance. I can't seem to get it into my head that even though he once indicated he wanted to be more than friends, he no longer feels the same way.

I can't stop thinking about him. Why am I so attracted to his words? It feels like an addiction, and I'm experiencing withdrawal. But I know that even I got what I wanted, it would still be unhealthy, that continuing to chat with him would be an incredibly bad idea for both of us. I know I need to stay away. Yet I do still want to be friends with this man. I still value his insights and opinions, and I like him a lot as a person regardless of all that has happened.

How do I deal with my feelings for him?
How do I make it hurt less?
Most importantly, how can I save our friendship?

I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do.

Can I live without laughter?

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:38:29 -0800

Have been dating this guy for almost three months, am feeling very serious about him, and he about me. There’s just one thing: he doesn’t laugh. Hardly at all. Almost never. I am trying to figure out if I should move forward with a relationship which is wonderful in pretty much every other way. So this guy: he’s great. Smart, kind, thoughtful, bringing me little presents all the time to let me know he’s thinking about me, texting me sweet little texts, always doing what he says he’ll do, planning interesting dates, we’re into the same things and almost hilariously compatible in so many ways. He’s loyal and good to his friends, and cares about his community. Whenever I have a problem or an issue, he’s totally willing to hear me out, communicate with me about it, and deal with it. We have talked about marriage and kids. I really, really care about him.

I plan to bring this up with him and see what he says, but I’m reluctant for fear of hurting his feelings -- because I am afraid that this is something that is not within his ability to change, and I fear that it may be a dealbreaker for me.

He doesn’t laugh. If I say something I think is funny, he doesn’t laugh. His facial expression doesn’t even change. Not even in that little “I don’t think what you said is funny but I’m acknowledging you made a joke” way. He says he just doesn’t “get” comedy or comedians. Not that I care about comedy, but I do want joking around and laughter and good-natured teasing and tickling and giggly joy to be a part of my life. He does not attempt to be funny or try to make me laugh. He doesn’t do the social smiling or social chuckling thing with other people, either. I notice this particularly, almost painfully, when I do or say something a little embarrassing, and he does not do what I would consider to be the normal thing, which is to laugh it off, or socially chuckle, or smile. He just sort of stands there with no facial expression. And makes no attempt to reassure or comfort, it’s like he doesn’t get that anything just happened.

He will occasionally do little sardonic chuckles to himself about something he thinks is funny, but I have never heard him actually laugh.

Also: does not chit-chat, at all. Very, very seldom makes eye contact with me, but when he does it is sincere and loving. Seldom talks about how he feels about things. I fear that the emotional depth of this relationship can only go so far when I cannot open up with him and bond through laughter or tears or intense emotion. I believe that he feels a lot for me, but I also feel like he does not actually understand how I feel most of the time. It’s very difficult to explain. But if I explain to him that I am feeling sad or frustrated, he does his best to comfort me.

Metafilter: should I make this a dealbreaker? It breaks my heart to think of leaving him -- he’s wonderful in so, so many ways. But I am afraid that I am going to starve for lack of that warm, giggly feeling when you laugh together with somebody you love, or the feeling you get when you are sad and somebody who cares about you holds you and feels bad that you feel sad. I don’t know if I can do without that. If I don’t make it a dealbreaker, how can I work around/through this with him?

anon answers or questions to nosmileyface@gmail.com

Grow up or build a time machine?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:19:36 -0800

How do I make it feel like home? Is it possible to develop a sense of family with your partner eventually, or should it have been there already when you were dating?

I've been with my partner for a long time, and, I confess, I only got into the relationship in the first place because of all the magic and romance I felt at the time. I didn't think it would get serious, but I was very much in love and fantasized about marriage. We got married, it's been awhile. I still love him very much, but for lack of a better term, I find myself feeling homesick. His family is nice, not quite warm and fuzzy, but nice, and kind. WASPy types. They don't live near us, which is fine, and exactly what I thought I wanted when I used to dream of having my own family. We're in our thirties, don't have kids, no house, and we've kept our money and finances totally separate with no desire to combine our assets into one account or pool.

Maybe I'm being stupid, but I don't feel like a family unit with my partner. I don't care about the the accounts, it feels more like a symptom of whatever is wrong with me. I feel like we're in a long-term dating relationship rather than a marriage. I don't think I want kids with him (he's a little high strung and anxious, a lot of the time now as he nears his forties, qualities that I don't think go away when you deal with children), we've had two abortions already (which possibly started this feeling I had that we weren't a real family or he didn't want to be a real family).

My own family is overseas and far away. I miss them and can't see them regularly due to distance and work. The way I felt growing up was so lovely and warm. Here, no matter how much my partner says he loves me, it feels like there's some isolation and underlying tension between us. He says it's not supposed to feel warm and and nurturing and unconditional the way it was when I was growing up because we're not children anymore. I don't know if my expectation that we should feel like a little family instead of people who are cohabitating are off or if this is a sign that this isn't a good fit, or if there are ways I can make it feel like a family.

Short-term relationship. How fun! Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:18:38 -0800

I'm part of a short-term couple. We both know it will probably end in about six months from now, due to a long-distance move. I feel that there's a multitude of things I can experiment with here, due to the short-term nature of the (non?)relationship. But what are those things? Also: I know that each relationship is different, but what are the general rules of such relationships, anyway? How am I supposed to be in love, without falling in love? What can I do to make the most of the time we have left? Sure, I'm probably wasting my time in a dead-end relationship. But never mind that.

By experimentation, I don't necessarily mean sexual experimentation. Although I'm open to that, too. The sex life has been great so far, because my inhibitions are gone (no future for us! nothing to be embarrassed about in the future!). "Oh, you came? No, you will not go to sleep. I'm having my turn." Although this, of course, is good for both of us, and for any future relationships?

So far, I've learnt to be more assertive, because I don't think, "Oh, shit. Did I do something wrong? What if we break up?" I know our relationship is likely to end in about six months, and am not worried about long-term impact. At the same time, I don't want to come off as a selfish jerk.

In the future, I'd like both of us to look back at this time and think, Ah, those six months were fantastic. Hivemind, tell me how to behave in this sort of thing!

How do I get out of this emotional hole and get things done?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:33:48 -0800

Seeking short-term coping mechanisms for being productive in school during a devastating breakup, and for comedy TV I can watch to help me through it. Long story inside. My partner of, let's say 4-8 years and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We got together when we were both freshmen at our university and had an instant strong bond. It was a mutual breakup due to some relationship dysfunction that was related to a sexual health problem I have and anxiety/depression we each have. We have lived together for several years and while we're in the process of finding some way to move out, we are still roommates for now.
The first few days we were broken up, we both had a terrible time and cried a lot. We have remained friends with little drama, other than both having some crying spells, up until this weekend.
Due to some events this weekend, it really started to sink in that I may really be losing him for good and I began to panic. Things came to a head and in the middle of the night I told him how I felt and it was very emotional for both of us. We ended up having sex. I didn't realize, but at the time, he was drunk (I was exhausted from crying and not sleeping). While we were having sex (which was his move), we were talking about things we wanted to do sexually in the future. The next morning, though, we kissed again (again his move) and said sexual things toward me. Not an hour later, we talked about what we wanted to do relationship-wise. Basically he said he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to get back together right now.
I'm totally crushed. I told him he betrayed me, fucked with my head, and that I just wanted to know why he would so something like that to me after normally treating me well. He says he was stupid to do those things last night and this morning, and he did them because he was confused about how he felt and thought maybe we could get back together. I feel so betrayed, used, and just hopeless. We're part of each others families. Before the breakup, we often talked of concrete life plans like marriage and kids. When we technically "broke up," it didn't feel so real or permanent and we've continued to live life as normal, hanging out just with no romantic contact.
Making matters worse, I'm a first-year law student in the throes of finals studying time. This weekend I have done nothing for school. I don't even think I can get through classes without bursting into tears randomly. Missing much class is not really an option, but I know I can't go tomorrow. I can't get out of bed right now. I don't know how I can get through the semester. There are counseling services that I plan to utilize, but until I can get in, I am in a wandering panic.
I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either friends with him, too, or friends who live out of state and I haven't been in close contact with recently enough to call up with my problems. I'm don't really talk to my parents or siblings about personal stuff like this.
I don't like dating or the whole game of trying to meet people. He and I became friends and were very close before any romance occurred. I don't feel like that kind of connection will be easy to find again any time soon.
I've read tons of breakup related AskMes, and some of the things in there have been helpful, especially the thing about "existential panic"

1. Are there any general suggestions for what I can do to get through the day(s) until I can get some counseling?
2. One thing that does help calm me is watching DVDs of The Office. I've seen them all so many times in the past month that it's almost not working anymore. Any other shows like this, such as ones about people with run of the mill lives with comedy and some realistic life sadness would probably help, too.
3. What can I do to try to be productive and not keep breaking down while studying? I can't leave the house, which usually helps, because I will probably start crying randomly, and at home, all I can do is zone out playing solitaire and watching The Office to keep from bawling constantly.

Sorry for such a long story, but I really felt I needed to give all the details for this to make sense, and my mind isn't so clear for editing.
If you have any advice you don't want to put here, you can email heartbrokenmefite@gmail.com

How do I fix me?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:33:36 -0800

I feel like my life is over and I'm only 35. I feel completely stagnant and stuck, relationshipwise and jobwise. Do I need to change things or do I need to learn how to deal? Help me figure out how to be a happier person. Is there some Grand Unified Theory that explains all my problems? How do I fix me?

I'm a 35-year-old male who has dealt with lifelong anxiety. Two major things in my life right now have me in despair: my relationship and my job. Neither of these is awful; they are just blah. I can't see either of them improving. I feel like I'm too young to have a midlife crisis, but I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My life feels over. I feel like even if I change things, I'll become anxious and unhappy about something else. There are good things about my life, but I just do not know how to be content. Maybe deep down I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have been in therapy with different therapists on and off since I was 17. I've been seeing my current therapist for nearly 9 years, and I like her, and I have insights regularly, and she claims that I've changed for the better, but I still feel unhappy. I am a compulsive self-analyzer, but I can't seem to translate insights into actual change. Isn't the goal of therapy supposed to be to get to a point where you don't need therapy anymore?

I took meds (Celexa) for about 4 1/2 years. I never really felt like it solved things. I don't think I have depression -- I can function fine, I don't confine myself to bed, there are things I enjoy, I have genuine passion for life. It's just that life weighs heavily on me, and it always has.

I get frustrated and stressed out easily by little things in life. I have always worried about death, worried about wasting my life, worried about getting older (even when I was 21). Now I worry about middle age, old age. I'm gay, and I feel like I wasted my youth because I didn't come out of the closet until I was 24. I worry about long-term stress making me ill, which causes me more stress.

My relationship: I've posted a few AskMe's about this before (see here -- I changed details like numbers and dates in that first post because I wanted to be extra-safe about being anonymous), and I hate the idea of being a broken record, and I can see how people who have read my previous AskMe's might shake their heads at me for not having changed anything. But the thing is, I'm just terrified.

In short: my partner and I have been together for six years, and we've been in couples therapy for the last two. We truly love and care about each other and have a cozy, very boring, oxytocin-filled relationship, but we have never had a very sexual relationship, and after discussing it repeatedly in therapy, I'm pretty much convinced we never will. He has practically zero sex drive, and I'm just not sexually attracted to him. We have fooled around together twice -- twice -- in the last four years, and never did much before that. We have an open, don't ask/don't tell arrangement, which means that all my sex is with other people, which means that I can never have sex that includes intimacy, which means a big part of my life is very unfulfilled. Whenever I do start to feel some sort of intimacy with someone, I feel really guilty about it.

I guess the difference between this AskMe and my previous ones is that while I used to think there was a possibility we could eventually have a sexually fulfilling relationship, I've since realized we never will.

He also very much likes having a routine, likes being a homebody except for going to the theater alot (we live in Manhattan) and going to our favorite restaurant. He isn't big on excitement. Me, I need to shake things up every once in a while. That might sound odd, given that I tend to be pretty anxious, but I do like to expand my comfort zone sometimes, while he doesn't.

There are some days when I obsess about breaking up with him. But when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to do it. We have talked in our couples therapy about breaking up, and I would just miss him terribly -- having him next to me at night, talking with him, being with him. Plus, since I'm a very emotional person and I get stressed out easily, I just can't see how I could handle being alone and missing him. Our relationship has major flaws, but I do feel calmer knowing he is there whenever I get totally anxious about something. I cannot imagine being stressed out and having nobody to turn to, especially because I live in Manhattan, which can be a difficult, isolating place sometimes. Would I move into some small crappy studio by myself somewhere? I don't have very many friends, so I don't have much of a support system. (My partner and I are both in a social organization, so there are friends/acquaintances there, and people do like me, but it's hard sometimes because I worry about what people think of me.)

What if I wind up being single for the rest of my life? What if nobody else comes along? What if someone else does come along but that relationship is majorly flawed as well? What if my punishment for breaking up with my partner is that I never find anyone else again? Because, odd as this sounds, I do feel like I would be punished for it. That I am not allowed to change my situation, that I should be thankful for what I have, that I want too much.

Maybe I could keep him in my life, and we could be best friends?

And... what if I end the relationship and I'm still unhappy?

Now for the job situation: this is another thing entirely. My job is not very stressful and is sometimes decent, and I'm thankful for that, especially in this economy. But it's just a boring paycheck for me and isn't at all meaningful. Worst of all, over the summer, my office moved into a sterile office park in the New Jersey suburbs. Now I go to the office two days a week, which is a 1 hour 40 minute commute each way, and on the other three days I work from home, which feels so isolating and makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. I despair of ever getting out of this situation.

I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I have seen career counselors, I have read career books -- at times I have been hopeful but I eventually despair. I have wanted to be a writer, a therapist, a journalist, a professor. I went to law school, but I didn't really enjoy being a lawyer. Now my job is related to the law, but it doesn't thrill me either. What I *do* like to do is read nonfiction and learn about things. I love learning and I love writing, but I don't think I have the expertise or ability to write nonfiction, and I have little interest in writing fiction. I am good at writing about myself, but who wants to read about me?

See how hard on myself I am?

I am also very fickle -- I can never be sure that what interests me now will interest me a few months from now. The only constant is history, particularly American history.

I feel hopeless at 35, and if the next 50 years are like the last 10, I don't know what I'm going to do, and I am only getting older. I am stuck, stuck, stuck, and I hate it.

I've created a MeFi account that I can't post from yet, but you can email me there if you want.

Rekindling a flame that has burnt out.

blackcatcuriouser — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:55:49 -0800

Is this settling? Where are those heartpangs I should be feeling? I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years. We'd been best friends for 5 years before dating. In many ways, we're a great match and a great team. We care about each other, we have great conversations, we make the same kinds of jokes, we like lots of the same things, we have good sexual chemistry. But our relationship fizzled out. We both got too comfortable and bored with each other and didn't feel happy or excited with our relationship anymore. We had difficulty communicating our feelings and needs and neither of us really worked to change things. We broke up mutually and amicably. No animosity, no fighting. We've remained friends.

I've spent my single time meeting new people, spending more time with old friends, and casually dating. I've met some perfectly nice, interesting guys. Even had some sexy times. It's been fun being free to see whomever I choose and feeling desired by new men, but I haven't felt a serious connection to any of them and it's all been pretty superficial. I often find myself thinking about my ex - how comfortable and easy it is being with him, how we know each other so well, how we have so much in common, how we enjoy each other's company and love each other. (What more would a person want?)

We've been broken up for about 8 months now, and over dinner one night recently he expressed a desire to get back together. Since we've been broken up for a while, getting back together wasn't necessarily on my agenda and I didn't expect it was something he wanted either. He's been on my mind constantly throughout our breakup, but I really felt a sense of finality when we ended it, so I started to get on with my life for my own sanity. But since he brought up wanting to try over again, I've been seriously considering working through things with him too.

However, there's something missing. Logically, on paper, we make sense. We could work things out, our problems were never insurmountable. We're very compatible and we care about each other deeply. But I feel like I'm missing a sense of urgency, of excitement about starting anew. I feel like I'm supposed to have this intense and passionate desire to be with him, this "can't be without you" feeling, the way I did when our relationship was new. And I just don't feel it.

I've chalked it up to having been broken up for awhile, that I'd started to accept the situation for what it was, got used to being on my own and focusing on myself. I've also chalked it up to the fact that after our breakup, we never really got a chance to miss each other's presence - we still saw each other once a week (we have lots of mutual friends), still talked on the phone weekly and, admittedly, got physical a couple of times - so that feeling of desperate longing/horrible missing never had a chance to materialize. Some friends have said that maybe this means I'm not "IN love" with him anymore and that I'd be settling if we reunited, that instead of sticking with what I know is good and nice and comfortable, I should seek out something that's great, that I should hold out for that teenage feeling...but I'm not sure I trust that feeling either, as it is known to fade. I've thought about taking some time to not see each other or speak, as sort of a test...though I'm not sure what it would accomplish.

Can we get back together if this feeling is missing? (and where the hell is it?!) Am I placing too much importance on it? I want so badly to rekindle the flame that once burned so brightly between us...but can I force it?

Why am I suddenly having these dreams?

kleenkat — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:31:39 -0800

Why have I suddenly started to dream about other women? Here is some background info... I am not married but in a long term relationship with another woman for about a year and a half. (I am also a chick). We recently purchased a house together and will be moving next month. Also, I just turned 29 and my parents recently divorced this year after 30 years of marriage. I have dreams about random stuff like this maybe a couple times a year, not often. BUT, in the past three nights alone I have had dreams with consecutive themes-- I am with another woman, or cheating on my girlfriend, or she simply does not exist.

The first dream I had reunited with an ex, my first "love" and real relationship, so to speak who I was with for three years and also have had unresolved issues with for the past couple of years since we split. I have since moved on but from time to time get nostalgic and/or have dreams. This dream was one of intense love.. I remember embracing my ex and saying "Please don't do anything crazy until I'm done with this semester of school" (I'm finished grad school). I am having a hard time with school, work, and remodeling our house right now I guess is why I said that. but in my dream, I felt so much love and my current girlfriend didn't exist.

The second dream was with some "weird" girl who was kind of hippy or bohemian, I didn't know her, and we just had a weird sexual relationship/friendship. She shared a house with a bunch of weird people, etc. I don't know. Again my current girlfriend wasn't present.

The third dream was about a girl in my class who honestly I had not even thought about since the 1st day of class. I just remember thinking, "man I am old" since it was an undergrad and the class had both undergrads and graduates. Not attracted to this girl in real life, and I don't think we have even spoken. But in my dream, we had a really awesome friendship and relationship and the sex was amazing. She had so much spunk (again I dont know this girl at all) and was really fun to be around. I kept telling her something like, "I can't do this, blahblahblah, my girlfriend" ...then I got really frightened she was going to blab about our affair to my current girlfriend. anyway I woke up and was like, WTF?

Why am I having all these dreams about other women.... maybe sometimes I think my girlfriend is not very fun or very spontaneous, but, I do love her very much and she is funny. The sex is OK. We are very compatable as mates, and after the whole thing with my parents, and since I was very young, I've always questioned the reality of "love" and the assignments to the word.... I ask myself all the time if it is real, have I have been "in" love, etc. But I think I just suffer from the "grass is greener" syndrome. I am happy with her, I think I may just be ready to get out of this small apartment, and done with the hectic semester. Oh, and quit dreaming about other women because it makes me feel like I missed out on something, but that may be wrong of me to thing/feel. What do you think? TIA...

Extroversion or flirting?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:27:11 -0800

How do you tell the difference between someone who's an extrovert and someone who's romantically interested in you? I (male) met a female friend of a male friend visiting my city last winter. After that we talked on line a bunch. (With her initiating a good part of the time.) We met (briefly and not one-on-one) up when I was visiting her city a few months later. There's been some Facebooking in between.

Recently, we chatted on line and she suggested we talk on the phone that week. When we did, at the end of that conversation said we should talk regularly on the phone and suggested a fairly definite schedule.

I'm pretty introverted and in the past I've dated (though not much) people who've either been introverted or explicit about their intentions at the beginning.

I'm having a hard time telling if this is just her extroversion coming through... or if I should take this as a sign of romantic interest. If I had just made a female friend, I would be hesitant to contact them so often for fear that I was sending the message that I was interested, if I wasn't.

Any tips on navigating this introvert extrovert divide would be appreciated.

Some more info:

We're both very close to the friend who introduced us, but they're not romantically envolved (I asked him, in part, because I wanted to be sure I wasn't interfering with a prior romantic pursuit of his by what I was thinking might be her interest in me) and he's not the matchmaking type, so I'm reluctant to put him further in the middle of this...

(This isn't really a question about long-distance relationships, I like the area where she lives, have lived there previously, and may even move there in the next couple of years regardless.)

All the people in this question are in their twenties and out of school, including me, but I'm a couple years older.

Throwaway e-mail: INVEVQM@gmail.com

My heart is betraying me.

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:42:30 -0800

I am in (long-term, abiding) love with more than one woman. I am marrying one, but I need to deal with my feelings for the other. Our society seems to be built around the idea that one man loves one woman and that's it, but this one man is not living that experience. I have been in a long-term relationship for (more than five) years currently, and we are getting happily married (within the next two years.)

That is what I want and I am looking forward to it without any qualms or misgivings. That being said, I also love a close female friend who I have known since elementary school, and I don't want these feelings to interfere. She is also in a long-term relationship and thinks of me mostly as a friend. We have never done anything whatsoever inappropriate or non-platonic, although we do spend time alone once or twice a week (we've been doing that for a few years since college and the inherent drop-off in volume of friends since then.) We consider each other our "best" friends; as an only child, she is the closest thing I ever had to a sister. ...A sister I have lurkingly romantic feelings for, I guess.

It is not that, logically, I want to break up with the woman I want to marry or anything of that sort. In fact that is totally unthinkable to me. It is simply that the idea of not having my best friend in my life...the idea of sharing her with her eventual husband...it pulls at my heartstrings a lot harder than I thought it would. I can't provide details but I hear that she might be moving away soon, and that devastates me. I don't want it to devastate me, but it does, just as though she were breaking up with me...although of course she is not.

Yes, I have told both women most of how I feel. I don't think either is particularly ecstatic about the situation, but they both seem to understand and even sympathize, love being blind and etc. I know what needs to happen, externally; move on, get married, be happy. I know I can, and I'm trying to prepare myself for that. As I say, it's not as though I love my fiancee any less.

But how do I handle these feelings? I feel that I am betraying the woman I will marry by also falling in love with someone else. I feel devastated that she'll be less a part of my life. I feel like an insensitive clod for even expressing my feelings to them both, although I think it may have been the right thing to do. Is there anything else I can or should do? Any advice for coming to terms with this unrealistic need for a second female companion? And why is my heart whoring itself out? Isn't this kind of love supposed to be one person at a time?

Love Has a Nasty Habit of Disappearing Overnight

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 15:50:35 -0800

Is it possible to fall out of love overnight? I have been seeing my girlfriend for almost a year now, the last six months long distance. We see each other about once a month, just for the weekend (we take turns driving to each other's cities, but she sometimes works on weekends, so it doesn't make sense to do it often), which has been pretty difficult, so we decided to set aside a big chunk of time - two weeks - to be together. Only at the end of the two weeks, over the last few days we were together, I suddenly lost all my attraction to her. Things that were cute before suddenly seemed annoying, I didn't want to sleep with her or even really touch her, and her "I love you"s made me feel panicked and guilty. It's like somebody flipped a switch. The first week was great, and then - bam. It's terrifying, the magnitude of the change and how quickly it happened. It makes me feel like I don't have any control over my emotions or myself.

We have talked about the future a lot, and up until a week ago, that future made me very happy. We have a lot in common, and have always been really great together. I've never been in love with anyone before, so I don't know whether this change in feelings is normal as you settle into a relationship. I don't want to break up if I can get the old feelings back, but I don't want to lead her on if I can't.

Advice?

Dont have feeling for the girl im seeing - but she is nice. What do i do?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 09:43:53 -0800

Dont love the new girl I'm seeing........ I dont want to hurt anyone - but dont want to lose her either... Can i fall in love months later? or is it always love or chemistry at first sight? My girlfriend left me for another man about 5 months ago. The relationship was the most important of my life and we were talking about getting married. At the time, I believed she was the love of my life. Ultimately I learned that she had another boyfriend for the entirety of our relationship. This created a situation where for 4 years I had half of someone and spent a great deal of time alone and waiting to have the rest and not understanding why things were as they were. My pleads for normality were turned back on me in the form of guilt from this person. I could easily write a book about the experience as everyone who is familiar with it believes it is the most incredible thing they have ever heard. The level of deceit and the level guilt I was made to feel is without precedent in my life. It also cost me my job, the place I once lived, many of the things I had worked very hard for – was in general life altering. My therapist who followed the story from the mid point believes this person is without a doubt a narcissist and possibly a sociopath.

I am in the process of trying to move on now. I find spending time by myself to be very difficult and it’s a constant battle with myself, when alone, to not call my ex. I don’t always succeed but im getting better. Honestly, I still have feelings for her which I know is crazy considering and I know that I can never act on them, however I still think is understandable given some of what we once had. I tell my friends, im not a machine, I just cant hit a switch and make these go away. Anyway the process is not easy.

To help me move on I started seeing new people about 2 months ago. It helped as I spent less time alone, which is when I think most about my previous ordeal and my ex. It also felt a bit emotionally draining. I was having a date or 2 a week with a new person each time... Not really my thing but my thought was to do all my homework in the beginning so as to make a good choice. It got to be a bit soul destroying because I felt like I was interviewing for my next girlfriend and being interviewed… Not really what you need when you're healing a broken heart. After a couple of weeks of this I decided to invest a little more in one person.

I am now dating only one girl. I liked her the best, and on paper she is nearly perfect but to be honest I don’t feel the chemistry. I am happy when I’m with her, she is nice, smart, pretty, we have fun together, but the chemistry just isn’t there, or isn’t there yet. Also, when it comes to the physical aspect I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Its sex, not love.

I have 2 questions – This new person wants to be serious. I think she is beginning to really care about me. I’m pretty sure now that either because of my lingering thoughts of my ex or because there just may never be chemistry, that this relationship doesn’t have long term potential. This is not fair to this new person. At the same time being alone is the hardest thing for me and right now I really need a hand to hold at night and a woman to talk to. I don’t want to hurt anyone – but I feel for the first time in my life that after what happened to me – I have no choice but to be selfish this one time. For my health. Any ideas how I can let everyone get what they want? Im pretty sure if I tell her about my feelings she will walk away and im not sure im ready for that or if Im right that the chemistry wont come.
My second question is the million dollar question – Its about love – I have had 3 serious relationships in my life. The first was in high school and I knew this person for a long time before we began our relationship. We were friends first (Admittedly, I was a little infatuated with her from the beginning) and fell in love. My second 2 relationships were love at first sight. I met them, and knew immediately that I wanted more from these people. There’s that feeling you get from minute 1 - that anyone who has been in this situation before knows and can’t describe… My recent ex falls into this camp.

Dating is new to me. I feel like it’s very contrived.. It’s like you pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend in hopes that you actually feel boyfriend and girlfriend. Will this happen? I think what im asking is , is it possible to fall in love with someone months after being with them? Or should I just have feelings from day one?

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask?

blackcatcuriouser — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:37:22 -0800

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask? My ex and I had a mutual, amicable breakup about 7 months ago, after 3 good years together. We've known each other for almost 10 years and have been best friends. We've remained friendly throughout our breakup - still seeing each other on occasion to have dinner or coffee or see a film while maintaining a respectful distance. We've both spent most of this time apart doing our own thing, getting out more and meeting new people. We haven't talked about other people we've been with during our breakup period, although a couple of months ago he did bring it up. I was honest and told him I'd slept with one person but didn't go into any detail. He told me he hadn't slept with anyone. I feel he was being dishonest, and know from a few external sources that he has in fact been involved with a few girls since our breakup - the level of those involvements is uncertain. I didn't press the issue because I didn't feel it was my right to probe any further. It has, after all, been his right to see/sleep with whomever he likes. We've been broken up for months. I decided to leave it at that. I didn't need to know and at that point, preferred not to know.

Lately, however, we've been seeing each other more and have talked about getting back together. This led to things getting physical again. We haven't come to a decision just yet, although it seems we're leaning towards a reunion in the near future. Here's my problem: Now that we're sleeping together again and considering starting over, I'm absolutely DYING of curiosity about his exploits during our time apart. Every day I spend hours fixated on this - who'd he sleep with? Who did he kiss? How many did he sleep with? How many did he kiss? Did he actually like anyone? Did he hook up with that friend-of-a-friend I'd suspected he was spending time with over the summer? It is all-consuming. I need to know. Honestly, what he did (unless it's totally, thoroughly deplorable) won't keep me from wanting to try at working things out with him. It's not about judging him. We've known each other for so long and have known every little thing about each other - until now.

I have no problem telling him about my involvements while we were apart. I'd really like to have an honest conversation about it (barring all the unnecessary nasty details) because it's been a time in my life during which I've learned a lot about myself and relationships. I get the feeling that he'd rather not discuss it at all and feels uncomfortable with the topic - or that he'd rather denydenydeny to spare any negative feelings on my part. But I just want him to be honest. I want us to be honest. I feel I should know if he's slept with anyone else for my own sexual health considerations, but I want to know more than that. I want to know who and when. I want to know who he's just fooled around with. I want to know if he went on any dates. I wouldn't be angry or sad or lash out at him - I just want to know.

How do I bring this up? Should I bring it up? Do I just let the past be the past and move forward with him? How do I address the nagging curiosity?

How can I get over him while I'm still in love?

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 18:12:14 -0800

How can I get over him when I fell for hard for him? Recently my "friend" I have been seeing dumped me. Ok, his name is Alex. We said we would take it as friends and see where it goes since I prefer my relationships to go like that anyway but I need to get over what happened just over the summer. This is going to be LONG, I must warn you. We started off first working together for a couple of years. He got fired while I still worked there. I was coming out of a long relationship that was emotionally abusive. So, I wanted time to work on myself. I got several months of working on myself before he started to take an interest in me and was aggressively pursuing me. I know all the signs when a man is interested. He told his friends about me. I know because one of his buddies asked a question testing to see if I spilled the beans about him being fired from his job. When I answered that my friend left because things were getting hectic, etc. Alex's friend smiled and said "I know he was fired I was testing you. You are a good friend." Yea, I don't like being tested but I sheepishly laughed and smiled. So, I knew Alex had something for me. Another time is when he asked me to come down to a bar he regularly visits. I didn't know if I could make it but on the way I made a surprise visit. His family was there. I met his family, awesome bunch.

Upon leaving he asked me out on a date. I said "I'll think about it." Then he said "My parents love you!" I said "really?" He said "yea." It was cool, but I was cautious because we didn't even date yet. So, he invited me out again to a family bbq. His family loves him. He is the cool, calm seemingly collected guy. The only two things I noticed at the function were him throwing beer bottle caps at one of his female cousin's face jokingly to which another female cousin replied with "That's not nice, that's not nice" and gave him a 'what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-you-look'. Also, I overheard a conversation in he still owed one of his family members some money and the guy was pissed at Alex for not agressively reaching out to let him know the situation. Anyways, minor things.

I agree to a date and we didn't start on our first one until 2 weeks later. But in between time, he was talking and joking about things like marriage and talking about kids. Barely know the man, I needed to be friends first. But he was seemingly sincere, charming and swept me off my feet. Had many qualities I liked in a man. Wasn't obnoxious, didn't argue, not controlling, easy to get along with. We both had sarcastic humor but I learned his is more witty and crass. It turned out to be a downside because while I can be sarcastic I like to have real conversations and lift people up.

His sarcasm includes name calling, which he does with everyone. He called me dummy and asshole in which I reminded him more than once to be cool with that. Well, he didn't remember and has done it a few more times. Cool. I still thought the positive outweighed the negative. But then I started feeling insecure as to how he felt about me. When we were together he would be all over me and wishing how I would proudly state I would never leave him and him never leaving me but kinda half jokingly. Then at the same token, he would say something sarcastically like, my taste in music or movies. We went to a movie rental spot and even though he told me I could pick out the movie, whatever I wanted, he was there talking how he wants to see a comedy because he basically didn't trust my taste in film. I thought "This man had the last pick of the movies and the one before that... I like to get what I want." So, he kept up making sarcastic jokes and I was feeling a bit sensitive so I walked away and told him he was making me feel bad. He apologized and asked why I was being so senistive he was only joking. I replied "That's just me."

Now, I noticed when his sarcasm gets to the point of cutting me, even if hes playing and I call him out on it, I can't help but notice he seems distant for a moment and less playful. He can't help his sarcasm, and some of the times hes done it and I would lightly point out in a good-natured fun manner how he is being insensitive he comes back with "I'm only teasing. I didn't mean it." Ok, I was willing to look past all that. Because in truth I was being guarded and figured once I get comfortable then I could let my guard down with him and not take what he says seriously. But I couldn't help but think why he thought it was funny to joke about beating women or beating me "like a man." To me, there was no wit in saying that. If you are dating someone, wouldn't you try to make an effort to not be as offensive until they get to know you better? But maybe I was offending him. Either way he didn't let me know if I was.

He hooked me in only to back away and he was going to just let me fade into the background until I asked for some real honest discourse from him. All I wanted was to have communication where it was real and not just poking fun all the time. When I did, is when he opened up and said "A man knows what he wants and 2 months is more than enough time to feel a connection." He wasn't feeling a connection so he emotionally pulled away from me. That hurts. I couldn't get through his snide and sarcastic remarks which always left me guessing as to what his intentions were. I keep thinking I did something wrong. I keep thinking "Well, if I wasn't so guarded, if I didn't display my displeasure with things that bothered me so much." I did feel in my gut more than once that he was an aloof character and will let things fade into the background if he isn't interested so that always made me cautious before I got to dating him. He is also prone to boredom and I don't know if pursuing me was something to get out of his boredom. I'm trying to keep in mind on why he wasn't good for me but I still feel hurt. Despite his sarcasm, I held on to the supportive sweet man who was consistent in at least keeping me in his radar. These memories I can't get over. How can I get over him?

Too horny. Can't think. Need sex.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 11:34:22 -0800

I'm a mid-20s British male and I haven't had sex for about three years. Manual Overides are barely taking the edge off these days and the horniess is getting so bad I can't think clearly. Help me get laid. Complications inside. Since the end of my last long-term relationship I haven't had sex, kissed a girl, or been on a date. I was pretty good at being a boyfriend, living together, and all that stuff, and I hope to do it again someday but I'm way out of practice right now. I recognise that there are underlying issues with the three year gap (social isolation, self confidence, and so on) but what I'm asking for today is some help in figuring out a way to get laid so that I can actually think straight, instead of just sitting here feeling my pulse throb and my mind swim with thought-blocking sex chemicals.

I'm hoping mefi can help me think outside the box (and therefore get back inside the box, hee hee), but I realise this is probably a stupid question - sorry. Also, I understand that I'm coming at this backwards and that solving some of my other problems would probably indirectly resolve this one, but just give a pass on that one for now please - I'm working on them.

Anyway, here are the options as far as I can see followed by the issues I have with them. Maybe I'm missing something (please Jesus, let it be so).

---
Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
B. Broke.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.

---
Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
G. Terrified.

---
Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

---
Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
B. Morally confusing.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
E. Terrified.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.

Okay, so those are the options that I've worked out, none of which seem realistic for me right now. For your info I'm overweight (but quite tall with it), not pretty but (I hope) not ugly either, a 'nice guy', big, bald and perhaps a bit unapproachable, and have some not-crippling but not-insignificant self-esteem issues (as I'm sure you've figured out). I look older than I am too. I keep hoping I'll have some serendipitous magical dreamgirl encounter like in Garden State, Lost In Translation (though, less chaste), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Me and You and Everyone We Know and movies like that, but I'm getting tired of making eyes at pretty bookshop sales assistants.

Disposable email at: M8R-758isl@mailinator.com

Finally, if this looks pretty well organised for someone who claims he can't think - I jerked off earlier (sorry), and this took me about two hours to write.

How can love and the certainty that you want to marry someone fade away and leave numbness?

whitelily — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:59:15 -0800

How can love and the certainty that you want to marry someone fade away and leave numbness? We fell for each other pretty hard. He was 23, I was 28. Very early on, I decided he was the guy I wanted to marry, and he felt the same way. The first year and a half of our relationship was wonderful. Then I started talking about engagement, and he started avoiding conversations about it and making excuses. Many fights ensued. Around the same time, I started noticing that he was often in a bad mood around me, usually didn't seem happy to see me, wanted to spend time with his friends more than he wanted to spend time with me - and these were all major changes in his behavior. I gradually went from being a confident person to being anxious and constantly trying to make him happy. Eventually I accepted that he no longer wanted to marry me. I was heartbroken, and I desperately wanted the return of the guy who adored me. A few months later, I broke up with him.

Shortly after our breakup, something very strange happened: despite my heartache, I woke up one day and felt...really good. It was a relief to be rid of the anxiety and the constant trying to make him happy (and never succeeding). And I started noticing how good it felt when other people smiled at me, seemed happy to see me, and seemed to enjoy my company. And I started noticing how much I enjoyed laughing at the same jokes with my friends, and realized that my ex and I had not shared the same sense of humor, and I realized how nice it was to laugh with friends at the same types of jokes.

It didn't take very long at all before he told me he'd made a mistake and actually did want to get engaged. I was angry and didn't want to hear it. Eventually my anger faded and he convinced me to give him another chance. We've been dating for months now. We've talked about the past. He hadn't had much dating experience before me and had been afraid that if he settled down with me, he'd be missing out on other experiences - hence the jerky behavior. While we were apart, he dated other people and saw that he actually hadn't been missing out on anything. I imagine age might play a role in all this, too (he's 27 now). Ironically enough, I finally got what I wanted - the return of the sweet, adoring guy who treats me like gold and wants to marry me. But I no longer have that sense of absolute certainty that I want to marry him. I can't come up with a good reason why I shouldn't feel excited about marrying him, but I just don't. Worse, I feel like the romantic part of my brain has stopped functioning, or something has gone numb. In a clinical, objective way, it seems to me that we should be married, but the feelings I used to have seem to be mostly gone. I'm unable to say "I love you", and when he's gone, I don't often feel that I miss him.

The only concrete thing I can point to is this realization that we don't share the same sense of humor, and I'd love to share that with my husband. Beyond that, he is objectively everything I want, and the only person I've ever wanted to marry, and yet trying to bring back the desire to marry him feels akin to watering a plant that has already died.

This situation is immensely frustrating and saddening, and it makes me feel like I'm going to lose someone I should be with, but without that feeling of certainty that I want to marry him, I'm not willing to do it. I'm NOT asking whether I should be dating/marrying him. I just don't understand where that feeling of certainty went, and I'd like to hear similar experiences (if there are any) and possible explanations for what's happened to me.

Thanks very much.

Tell me about a time when you were on the receiving end of a truly romantic act.

stuboo — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:34:43 -0800

I'm looking for stories from folks, especially ladyfolks, who have been on the receiving end of random acts of romance. Tell me, when were you surprised by a romantic act? What was it? What were the circumstances? I'll take just about any story, but I'm most interested in every day, random, spur of the moment romantic acts.

Birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine's are great too, but stories that start along the lines of "It was a Thursday at 5:13pm..." are what I hope to see the most.

Tagged out before I get to third.

chrisfromthelc — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:30:14 -0800

I can't seem to ever get to the third date. I searched, and came across this post, and it pretty much sums up my exact experience these days. Except that I'm a guy and not a girl.

I've recently gone out with a few different girls. First dates always seem to go well, second dates seem to go (at least, in MY mind) a little better. I've always made sure to communicate (assuming that I do) that I would like to see her again, and soon. When it comes time for #3, well, #3 never comes. I call in an attempt to set something up, and never get a response. Not even the "let's be friends" schtick.

Some of these girls are ones I've met from various dating sites, but recently, they've been friends of friends who were highly recommended, so I'm not completely sure the out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing applies. Or, maybe it does. I just don't know.

Does anyone have any ideas?

Dating a drug-user?

clown-mustard — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 10:17:35 -0800

I've been seeing this guy for over 6 months now, and everything is absolutley wonderful, except that he's part of a circle of friends that are very much into recreational drug taking.. I have some experience of drugs, but am now firmly anti-drugs because of the health risks etc. The issue is, we keep having quite bitter arguments about drugs - where i'm arguing its too risky and that there arent enough advantages to recreational drug use, and he argues that they are used for temporarily removing the ego and personal growth and development, which cannot be attained (or not as easily attained) without tripping or getting high. His friends have also preached to me about the same things, and despite the fact that i feel like they are being the immature ones... i find myself being treated like this immature, "brain-washed" person who isn't at all open-minded.

I'm hoping this is something we can eventually both be mature about and just accept each others opinion.

Is there something i am obviously not understanding about drugs? (i have dabbled in the past)... This is now involving his friends, what can i do?