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Quitting the competition, while still running the race

Chrysalis — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:25:20 -0800

Help me get my focus back on my own life and happiness and stop comparing/competing with my ex in my own mind... and stop having how I compare with others as a condition to my happiness/self esteem in general... 3 months ago I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me, so I packed my bags the same day and moved back to my home town (I'd moved city to live with him, had been there a year) to try to rebuild my life. I've been doing a pretty good job of that, all things considered, and now have a great job, am studying and keeping busy with my sport, have reconnected with all my friends and have a pretty good social life, but I still find myself comparing or competing with him in the back of my mind... wondering whether I'm doing better or worse than he is (I cut off all contact so I don't know anything for certain and he doesn't know what I'm up to)... even though I know it doesn't matter and there's enough happiness to go around for both of us.

Due to the fact that he cheated on me with much prettier girls, my already shaky confidence in terms of attractiveness, has taken a bit of a beating, whereas he would have got a huge ego boost and being very handsome, charming and a seasoned player who knows what people want to hear, no doubt has more girls on tap. I've been getting some male attention which has been reassuring but somehow I feel like maybe I should be trying to be a player like he was, and compete with him on that level. Then I remember that I actually *don't* want to just have a whole bunch of meaningless encounters or dishonest relationships just to stroke my ego, I would at some point like to have a real, caring relationship, if indeed such a thing is a realistic expectation, and I certainly don't want to use or decieve anyone the way he did me. Sometimes I worry that maybe the fact that I want something different in terms of relationships to what he wants is some kind of deficiency and Mr Player knows something I don't.

We also compete in the same sport, him much more successfully than I, and I'm sure that would continue to be the case, and to be honest, that bothers me. I always put in 100% effort but he has more natural talent and experience. I hate that he was so awful and is living out my dream.

I know I need to go back to thinking in terms of "me" not "we" and just focus on my own life and have that be enough in and of itself, and that he is not the kind of person I should even want to be like, but there's always a little voice in my head when something good happens going "haha, take that, I win" and the opposite when something bad happens. And then, as in the above example, sometimes I want things I don't even want, just so that I can feel like I came out alright. I guess I have a bit of a fear that he's just more of a winner in life and I'm the loser who got played - I don't want to think like this!

I know I am a competitive person anyway, and I have always been guilty of comparing myself to others, to the detriment of my own happiness, but I want to change. I want to stop comparing myself to him, and to other people, and stop setting "being better/the best" as a precondition to my happiness/sense of self worth. I feel like I'm wasting my life away like this!

What are some things I can think about or do to help me live my life in the context of my own personal values/goals/dreams again and not keep having to compete to prove to him or myself that I am a great person?

What's the key to getting involved with as many interesting projects and meeting as many interesting people as possible?

coffeecold — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 13:10:08 -0800

What's the key to getting involved with as many interesting projects and meeting as many interesting people as possible? I'm 23, in New York City, and I feel like I have the potential and enthusiasm to accomplish a lot of great things in my life. I really want to connect with as many people as possible, get involved with creative and fulfilling projects, and have stories to tell and no regrets when I look back.

Right now I'm an average guy with an average social life who works a regular 9-6 job. I would love to make the next couple years a crazy social experiment where I throw myself out there and experience the world. I want to be able to craft and polish my people skills to higher levels, learn about different activities or hobbies so I can find out what I feel passionate about professionally and creatively, and build a good base of inspiring people to be around.

The question is how to go about doing that. One problem is my interests are as broad and vague as the above goals. I love tons of things out there but don't really specialize in any one area..I want to learn more about music, filmmaking, art, cooking, dance, business, fashion, technology, sports, etc etc but because of there being so many choices I don't know where to start. I guess the underlying theme is I want to be learn more about other people and improve myself.

So knowing all of that, what types of events, activities or clubs should be I attending and for the NYC people especially, what specific resources (e.g. meetup.com) should I use to find out where people will be and where I could learn? Since there are so many events and sites out there, how do I filter out the bad from the good besides trial and error? How can I use things like dating sites, blogs and twitter to my advantage? The last thing I want to do is look back years from now and wish I had met more people, taken more risks, and had more experiences. Would appreciate any advice, general or specific.

Possible to start over again in love?

InterestedInKnowing — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:55:42 -0800

Is it possible to re-build a relationship with my ex? I have posted questions here before about my relationship because I felt so unsure of what exactly I was going through. Well, with some therapy and insight I knew I made the right moves to break off my relationship with my boyfriend. However, as months pass by, he has still let me know how much he loves and cares for me. Now, he understands why I left and he stated that I wanted a lover, not a parent and how he should not be advising me of anything unless I ask him. He finally understands what his problem was. And I understood what my problem was as well. He has apologized for the way he has hurt me and says he hopes I find a good love because I deserve to have that. I feel he is gaining knowledge and becoming more mature with this. Bottom line, we still love each other. Is it possible to re-build with this new mindset? Should there be any signs I look for when considering an option to get back together with him?

How can I take it easy?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 09:46:42 -0800

He is possibly ‘the one’, but as it stands he would be the “rebound” if we ended up together now. How can I slow things down and keep him interested? A few weeks ago, I have ended a year-long relationship with someone I was previously friends with for about four years. We mutually agreed on that and will probably remain good friends once the dust settles and we have time to breathe.
Before I get to my question, perhaps is worth mentioning that the reasons for that split ranged from different ambitions in life to simple incompatibility as a couple, mainly due to the fact that he is was unwilling to move to my home country from the UK for a couple of years (and was also unwilling to work out a plan we could divide time between the two countries, that is work related, which is understandable) and his priorities did not include marriage and planning family in the future. Whilst I am not desperate to marry, I’d like to feel that my partner is willing to get closer and naturally drift towards that direction, which unfortunately did not happen in this last relationship.
So I have met someone a few months ago, a contributor to the business I work for, and we have developed a friendship, although it was clear that he was interested in something extra. After the end of my relationship, we started seeing each other more often and we seem t have a lot in common. He has always respected the fact I was in a relationship before though and it was a simple friendship before, with that extra in the air.
This guy is very intelligent, a real personality in the area he works for, sociable and sorted out when it comes to his professional life. He makes me laugh, is caring and I am attracted to him. He has mentioned (it came from him) that he would be interested in moving to my home country if he had the chance too. And lately, he seems to be really keen to take things further and even suggested he may be falling in love.
Whilst he already gave me evidence of his integrity, intentions and that he may tick a fair amount of boxes, I don’t want him to be the ‘rebound’. I also don’t want to let the opportunity pass.
At the same time, I am looking forward to some time on my own, to rediscover myself and really think about what I want and don’t want from a relationship before jumping into what could be a long lasting thing. I would like to book a holiday on my own, take up meditation, do a spring clean, that kind of thing – I am sure I will be in a better place in two or three months’ time.
All things considered, the question to the hive mind is, put bluntly, how to ‘keep him keen’? I wouldn’t like to break contact with the new guy but don’t really want to see him as we would get closer and closer and when we least realise it, we’ll be already an item.
How shall I deal with this? Thanks in advance for reading my question!

How to cope with someone who can't get over a former relationship?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 13:45:57 -0800

Need help in coping with the issues of being with someone who can't get over a relationship that ended five years ago. More inside... I am in a relationship with an adorable guy, we have great fun together but...he still can't get over the end of his previous relationship five years ago. I knew him before we got together and am aware this has always been a major struggle for him. Apart from that glaring issue, our relationship is normal to the outside world.

But internally, things aren't that simple. He says he loves me, but only when 'prompted'. The reason, he claims, is that 'there is too much going on in his head'. We talked about it quite a lot lately and he agrees he needs to resume the therapy he stopped a couple of years ago and recognizes this is not healthy. Apparently, he thinks about her (who has moved on ages ago and is obviously sick of him still thinking about her in that way so many years after the break-up) every single day. Another point to mention is that his mum died shortly before the relationship ended, so it may be that he mirrored his mum on the girl and the break-up probably meant he was losing his mum again.

I sort of understand all of this and try to help by living the present, but this issue does cast a shadow in the relationship. Sometimes, I explode and get angry about it all and want to just leave him and his issues alone, but I always decide against it. This week though, we had an argument over the phone and I said things along the lines of 'you are wasting my time', 'it is her who you love, not me, so why are you fooling us both'...I realized later that what I said has not helped at all. He didn't call me after that.

A day later, still no calls from him and I went for after work drinks with a guy who turned out to be interested in me for some time. After a few drinks, he tried to kiss me, I sort of responded to it and felt awful after that. It is not something that I would like my bf to do by any means but if that can be justified at all, it is because I often feel that I am not doing enough for my relationship and thus feel rejected.

After leaving the bar I called my boyfriend and gave him the summary of what had happened, said I felt horrible and apologized, and he invited me over to his place. I was drunk, but told him about all about my evening. He seemed sort of unfazed by it all and said I would always have that sort of approach [from other guys] but he is the one who is WITH me, so I should think about that. I felt horrible still and burst into tears, mainly because I hate being in this position, where I need so much attention and reassurance from him as to how he feels and where do we go from here, etc.

Following all these events, I do feel he is more distant. I may have been so dramatic and put him under so much pressure that I may have jeopardized the relationship. I love him and want to be with and help him, but how do I cope with these issues, how do I 'revive' the relationship so that he is not constantly thinking about his ex? And how do I keep in peace with myself under these circumstances? Experiences from people who had a lot of trouble getting over a previous relationship particularly appreciated. Thank you!

Why do I annoy people?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 08:45:42 -0800

I seem to annoy a lot of people. I don't mean to, it just happens. What can I do to become less annoying? I try to be a nice guy. I go out of my way to be nice to folks, but I inevitably annoy people.

For example, at work, I asked a girl if she was on a certain project and she just blew up at me. I tried to apologize, but she said I'm not sorry because I always do what I did to annoy her.

I can think of a couple of things that may be causing this:
1. I have an immature sense of humor: I try to keep this to myself and to a few firends, but it ends up slipping out here and there.

2. I try to please most people: I think this is a good thing, but perhaps people find this annoying.

I know some people here might need more explanation from me, so I set up a throwaway e-mail: annoyingtheworld@gmail.com

Thanks!

Was I born to be alone?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 19:35:09 -0800

Existential crisis: was I born to be alone? I am a 28-year old South American girl, living in London for the past 3 years. I am a nice person and quite sociable, am reasonably good looking and have a bunch of lovely friends, great job, etc.

The problem is, I've had three long-term relationships for the past...seven years? And I never had any time to breathe in between boyfriends, it was always ending one relationship and starting another within a matter of weeks. Now I feel the need to split up with my boyfriend -- who really loves me -- mainly because of that fact, that I haven't had the time to be with myself...

I regret not being single for longer because I feel I am wasting my youth by living the life of a married person. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend as he is a great person and I love him a lot, but more as a best friend, not as a lover anymore.

Someone said recently that I am very picky with boyfriends and will end up alone if I keep choosing too much. I never thought too much about it until now and now I start to get concerned about the possibility that I was born to be alone...? On top of that, all my friends are getting married and having kids. Sometimes I feel like I failed on that front. I need to be on my own but am scared I will end up losing the opportunity of being with a very nice person who really likes me.

I know the above sounds weird, but I am scared of being alone. But I don't want to live life without vibrant, butterflies in the stomach love. I don't want to live without looking forward to see someone, the thrill of anticipation, and all those things that come with the package...

How do I make the jump?

"So, how about them Mets?" sucks. I need awesome questions to spur conversation, create bonds and learn more about people.

jkl345 — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 14:03:37 -0800

What are the best questions you've ever been asked / asked someone to get to know them better, build closer friendships/bonds, find out secrets and interesting tidbits about their lives and worldviews? I'm rather introverted (but working on being more sociable). I really relish meeting and interacting different people with different views but too often conversations aren't very interesting so I'm really not engaged or connecting with them. I'm trying to get a lot better at chatting, learning about people and building bonds with people, but I need more ammo for interesting questions to unlock that higher level of discourse with the people that surround me. I'm just looking for a way to get better and more interested in having conversations with new people (or newer people), and the normal mundane talk about the weather/sports/jobs is really making that difficult.

All questions suggestions are welcome!

Here's a few examples of the 'target market' type people, I wish I had better questions/conversations/bonds with:
- New friends I just met out at an event
- Potential significant others
- Cool coworkers and people in the community I admire
- Clients, bosses or other networking relationships
- Nice old ladies on the street
- My girlfriend's dad
- Reconnecting with long lost relatives
- The local butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker
- Learning more about close family members (who I think I know everything about already)

(Basically, please don't get pigeonhole any of your suggestions to any one of these targets... I'm just interested in hearing as many of the best questions, ever.)

Btw: Any other tips for an introvert looking to build bonds and have more interesting conversation is welcome! :)

Thanks!

How do I deal with a bad mouthing ex-girlfriend?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 08:38:35 -0800

How do I deal with a bad mouthing ex-girlfriend? Yesterday I found out that an ex-girlfriend is bad mouthing me to her friends and online associates, A friend discovered this while reading a few of her posts and told me right away, amazed at why she said it.

In her post it mentions that i've mentally scared her and i'm an manipulative b*stard who used her as a rag doll for my anger, from the wording of her post it seems like she also blames her schizophrenia on me, even though she was presenting symptoms years before I met her (according to her close friends), I'm honestly shocked and I do not belive I am like that, I feel incredibly hurt and now I fear for what she has been saying to her friends who I still have loose connections with.

I can honestly say that our relationship was rocky and it did end in possibly the worse manner (she cheated on me with some guy where she worked), but thinking back I can't think of anything that would provoke this kind of response.

How do I approach this situation? Do I take this to her and discuss it out like humans? Or do I just drop and ignore it?

Putting out

wordswinker — Sat, 20 May 2006 11:57:52 -0800

How long do people date before doing the deed these days?

How do you keep your friends?

Big Fat Tycoon — Tue, 08 Feb 2005 05:55:08 -0800

How do you keep your friends? [more inside] I'm almost 30, and I've got maybe a handful of friends, scattered across the country and overseas. I have maybe one close friend in the city I live in, and a few that are a little more distant (emotionally, rather than distance-wise). Over time, I've made lots of friends, depending on where I was, but over time we've lost touch for various reasons and I'm just kind of blown away by the fact that I'm this age and can count the number of people who I consider close on one hand. Is this normal? Is there any way to keep close with people that don't live near you?