Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and intimacy

Other sources for physical intimacy?

~Sushma~ — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:03:39 -0800

Lonely, hungry for intimacy, ravenous to be touched, coddled or stroked. I'm old, sick and unattractive, I used to be smoking hot but men don't look at me any more, nor do they even acknowledge my presence. The area I live in is sparse for dating, and I've even tried one night stands. I have given up. What are some other ways to get the physical needs I have for the human social intimate relationship I do not have? I've done the CL casual encounters, internet dating etc.... Going for a massage now to see if it helps, and yes I have a loving and much loved pet....but I need more. Any resources? I'm sure there are others like me out there.

This "intimacy," I fear it.

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:03:35 -0800

After a series of painful relationships, when did you know you were ready to date again? Alternately, how do you tell the difference between "not ready" and "making up excuses to not date due to being scared silly of the opposite sex" and "anxiety problems" ? Long, Non-Obligatory Background: Up until I was 24, my dating life was smooth sailing but co-dependant: I was a serial monogamist, never ever single, scared witless of not having a boyfriend. I had a couple tricky break-ups in college, but we all remained friends and I never treated anyone with less than the utmost respect, and vice versa.

Then I moved to a big city met "Adam," whom I dated for four months. We were ludicrously happy, he took me to meet his parents, told me he loved me, said he'd never been happier, and then cheated on me out of the blue. I forgave him once because he was blackout drunk and apologized so much I could barely get a word in edgewise. Then he cheated again weeks later. So we broke up. Then I met "Zed," who was brilliant, handsome, and, in his words, an emotional robot who couldn't really care about people. I was head over heels crazy for Zed (and probably somersaulting from a rebound, no less) even though he was clearly just interested in long conversations and sex once a week at the most. So I spent a good four months of sleeping with both guys, using Adam as a confidence buffer while ignoring his pleas to take him back, hoping Zed would finally realize he wanted to date me seriously. This messed me up A Lot, lead me to question my ethics and my taste in men, and my self-esteem hit bedrock. I felt like the two of them had drop-kicked my heart into a windy vortex and the worst part was that I let them.

Short story: I had a rough year. This lead to a near nervous breakdown after a few months of subjecting my emotional welfare to two pretty self-absorbed men, so I swore off dating for a year. My bedroom became a no-fly zone. I learned how to be single, focused on my friends and my career, and enjoyed the silence of coming home to an empty room. Except for the celibate part, I was really pleased with being single and valued my independence.

But it's been a year since I've met someone who caught my attention like Adam and Zed did, and no one seems remotely interesting to me. I've met objectively awesome people who ask me out on dates, but I freeze up and bail every single time. I could write pages on what I find wrong with them, and every little thing turns me off. The idea of sleeping with a new person squicks me out. In theory, I don't want a boyfriend, couldn't really fathom trusting someone else with any part of my happiness, loathe the notion of depending on anyone else, would opt to spend all my nights alone rather than suffer the emotional jeopardy of admitting someone new into my life. But I can't tell if this is okay or neurotic.

I've assumed this aversion to intimacy is part of the process of healing and learning (again) how to be single. But after blowing off lots of awesome guys who have asked me out for drinks because the idea of "just drinks" gives me the hives, I wonder if I'm writing myself a pass when I should soldier up. I know there's the adage of "being ready when you feel ready," but my fears are intensifying rather than lessening over time. So what is this? Should I respect my hibernation phase to its fullest extent, or should I suck it up and make myself go on dates with a guy who isn't manipulative Adam or bloodless Zed? And is my fear of sex and intimacy a sign of something worth shelling out money for therapy? I can barely afford my rent at the moment, so before everyone starts shouting "THERAPY," keep in mind I don't have an easy $100 lying around each week.

Wow, this is so long and self-involved. Thanks to anyone who read it in full, I'm practically going cross-eyed at the length.

How to get boyfriend to be more emotionally intimate?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:11:35 -0800

How can I get my boyfriend to be more emotionally intimate with me without prying or being annoying? He goes out of his way physically and financially just to make me happy. He puts up with me when I am super stressed. I like to think that I do the same for him. But when it comes down to our personal lives, he can be distant and a bit socially awkward about some personal topics. It is not like he even had a bad childhood, or has any reason to hate the world. He is a happy, intelligent person with a lot of opinions on objective stuff. We have been dating for months and I thought we were at the point where we could be more emotionally intimate. It matters to me because it is reassuring, and because it is one way of knowing if this person is really worth spending a good amount of my life with. I love spending time with him, but this issue has been a burden on me and I feel like I can not do much about it.

Is it worth it to date someone under these circumstances?

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 09:19:11 -0800

Is it worth it to date someone under these (non-exclusive) circumstances? I am not very familiar with the concept of dating several people at one time.

I've started seeing someone with whom I had an immediate and undeniable connection. In fact, when we first met he was saying a lot of things about the future and even mentioned "marriage" several times (although in a joking manner). My initial impression of him is that he wanted a relationship that would be emotionally intimate.

When we first met I learned that he had just ended a serious relationship. Well, his ex recently visited from out of town and he told me that they slept together. I'm not really mad about this, as he was totally honest with me about it and had been clear all along that ours was not an exclusive relationship. The thing that bothers me is that I know that he was very happy her and that the only reason they aren't together is that she moved across the country. However, he said they had "tried to work things out but it's not going to happen."

He told me that he really likes me...in fact, that he's "crazy" about me but that he simply isn't ready for an exclusive/serious relationship since his last relationship ended so recently. I do believe that he is an honest, (not a "player" or a "liar") but my fear is that I'm being too naive to read between the lines and that perhaps he is saying that I'm "not the one" for him. Also, he's a bit younger than me (mid 20s) and I wonder if this contributes to his desire to avoid getting serious too quickly and that maybe he's just going to be in party mode for a while.

I think we could be very well suited for each other, but I'm not sure I like the "terms" of the relationship (i.e. "not serious until further notice."). However, I haven't known him that long (only a little over a month) and I know that a lot of people date longer than that before they agree to be exclusive. Also, I am allowed to date other people if I wish (but I would rather be exclusive with him).

I am a sensitive person. Am I setting myself up for disappointment if I date him under these circumstances? I don't mind going with the flow, but only if it seems like there might be a possibility that this could turn into something more serious.

Fizzled Out on Passion

divabat — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:36:41 -0800

Depression has knocked my passion (for everything) out. Gwargh. What do I do while I get therapy sorted? I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about six years, and have been on and off treatment for that time. Last year (after about 3 years of being treatment-free) I had a bad relapse and went back on medication (Effexor XR) and counseling. They helped, and I was getting better, but recently I had a big setback and never managed to recover properly.

I've found that this wave of depression has robbed me of the ability to feel passionate about everything. I was once really passionate about changing the world (in various ways), and was invited to an exclusive summit last week for 100 other young passionate people. I felt like a dullard next to them - I didn't feel like I had anything of substance, and at one point I sat alone in a room crying and declaring that "I'm done". Surprisingly, even though my only contribution was wise-cracks in lectures and a Thank-You card for the organizers, the rest of the group accepted me wholeheartedly and felt that I was one of the most memorable people in the whole summit.

After I came back from that summit, my boyfriend and I went on a weekend vacation, but I couldn't muster any sort of enjoyment whatsoever. My boyfriend's showing me so much affection and love and care, and all I could do is go "meh". This got worse in the following week, and I felt really guilty that I couldn't feel as much love for him as he obviously does for me. (According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the companionship and intimacy is strong, but the passion's gone missing).

For a while I felt like I was holding him back, that I wasn't the best person for him, even offered to find him someone else that could treat him better. In all other respects, our relationship is actually going great - we communicate well, we deal with ups and downs maturely, we respect and care for each other deeply. I just am an emotional wreck, and I didn't want him to suffer because of that. Nonetheless, he still insists that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind the lack of emotional passion. (For example, I like cuddles and embraces, but felt guilty that I was being selfish and not bursting out with love for him. He told me not to worry because he didn't find it selfish at all.) It's good, I guess, but I still can't help but feel guilty that the only emotional response I can muster to anything is "blaaaaaaah".

I went to see a GP (my regular one was away) and made appointments with my usual counselor. It's two weeks away though, so I have some down time. I have work placements this uni semester (my last!!) and I'm still waiting for those to be sorted out so I've got nothing to do for a while. I'm already wallowing away in sorrow and despair, and find it hard to do stuff - I'd rather nap all day (and indeed do sleep a lot) and it takes a lot of effort to make myself shower or prepare a meal. I have things I could do, but I'm too lethargic and bored to do anything other than think about them. My boyfriend and I are also looking at relationship counselling to see how else we can deal with my depression - we're talked out and we're out of ideas.

How can I cope with the lack of passion and energy? Should I feel guilty for not being as romantically inclined towards my boyfriend? What about my current apathy towards making a difference, when I once was such a passionate worldchanger? What can I do in these two weeks (until my counselor appointment) so that I don't drag myself down into further despair and actually feel better?

(I'm doing a little better now as I write this, but my moods change so quickly and intensely that I'd rather have some practical ideas for when I get another "sad attack". Also, I've found lots of relationship questions about dealing with a depressed partner, but not much about being the depressed partner itself.)

In search for flow while making out

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 13:24:31 -0800

How can I remove the awkwardness from initiating physical intimacy? Me and my girlfriend just moved to the same town and are planning to get married in couple of months. We live in the same complex but different apartments. Before this, we had a long distance relationship where we saw each other maybe once in 3 months.

We love each other deeply. Our makeout sessions involve everything except intercourse and it is really intense. However, we have been very awkward with initiating the sessions. I don't know when to initiate, and whether it will be a good idea or not.

What can I do to make things flow more naturally?

How to bring the intimacy back?

Danila — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 08:24:18 -0800

asking for a friend: How can I get my husband to start touching me again? A couple has been married for 27 years. He is 51 and she is 47. They haven't had sex in at least six or seven years. The wife has tried to approach her husband for intimacy but he shows no interest. All he'll do is hold hands and rarely give her a peck on the lips.

She has bipolar disorder, and throughout the 90s she was in and out of mental hospitals, and when she was home she was often "out of it". For the last few years she has been on medication that has improved her situation dramatically. She is an active, involved woman again. But one of the reasons her husband gives for the lack of sex is that for so many years, there was nothing from her end. He was more caretaker than lover.

He is NOT having an affair. In my opinion, he does suffer from low-grade depression and stress. It's been a stressful situation for so long, and it's hard to break old habits. Every day he works long hours at a stressful job, comes home and watches tv for a bit, eats dinner and falls asleep.

Another reason he has given is that it was physically painful for her to have sex before. She has a terrible history of violent sexual abuse perpetrated by both family and acquaintances. She has post traumatic stress because of this.

More than missing the sex, she misses intimacy. Cuddling, hugging, passionate kisses, that sort of thing. They've gone on "date nights" but she says they're like an "old married couple". Any advice on how to bring the intimacy back?

books for men on emotional intimacy

nancoix — Mon, 28 Aug 2006 11:12:10 -0800

MeFi Men of the Hetero Kind: Have you found a useful book to help you improve your emotional intimacy and related communication skills? I'm looking for recommendations from guys who were told by their Significant Others that they don't get it about what women need, and now they do -- thanks to a book. There's so much dreck out there in Self-Help Land. I'm looking for that rare book that really made a difference in your relationship.

Too sexy for sex?

saysthis — Thu, 25 May 2006 03:07:10 -0800

Olderwomenwholikeyoubutwon'thavesexwithyoufilter: There it is. 75% of the women I've dated in the last 8 months (and ALL of them have been older than me) have a strange issue, in that we can make out all night to the point of being naked, kissing, touching, but that final step of actively engaging an orgasm seems to be too much for them. So... what the... ? Is it me? Is it them? I'm confused and frustrated and just plain WTF'd.

I'm 22. I'm (I hope, and the results seem to bear it) reasonably attractive in words, deeds, morals, thoughts, and body, and I've met and been engaged with some amazing women. They like me, I like them, we have fun for a few dates, things start to get physical, and often continue "physically", but they don't go all the way physically. I'm a teacher, a foreigner in this particular country (China)(but I do speak the language), well groomed, and well... I seem to have a talent for attracting women in their mid-late 20's (mostly)/early 30's (some late 30's, okay, but I think once you're past 30 you're pretty well set on where you're going in life so I don't think it makes a big difference). I get plenty of women my own age who are interested, but I don't feel the spark I feel with someone who is secure, intelligent, fun, devoted to something, and able to include themselves and their lives in their sense of humor. They like me for varying reasons. I've been told I'm cute, I'm funny/witty, I'm sexy, I'm carefree, I'm wise, I care a lot about things they care about, whatever. Women can be attracted to all sorts of things, and maybe they're true, maybe not, but I can accept attraction and be attracted to the same variety of things. And we have fun, then we go home, and then we kiss, make out, clothes come off, and then things start happening, and then all of a sudden my hand is being pulled away from somewhere and I'm told I should go to sleep so we can wake up and be ready for tomorrow. Only 3 times in the last 8 months has this not happened (before I was in a year-long relationship with someone my own age).

What is going on!?!?! A classy, sexy 25-year old who I know through work (she's my boss & the owner of this company) has initiated a relationship that I'm happy to get into, has invited me into her bed, and finds me and curls up with me when she's bored, won't do the nasty with me. (Yes I know, company ink, etc, we've worked all that out, small company and we were friends beforehand.) This is the last straw, dammit. I could very, very easily let this turn into something long-term, and I've stopped entertaining other potential dates for the moment. I just don't get it. Is it my age, like some of them say? Might there something about me? Is it something about them? Do I just have a talent for finding women with hangups? This particular relationship is one I don't want to lose. I've had "the talk" with her, and she says she needs it quiet and serious for anything beyond unenthused kissing. She's also very worried about me being younger, as she's only dated men older than her up to now. So what next? I can't take another frustrated orgasm, because I will literally explode. HELP!

how to overcome the loss of spark and fear of intimacy

aussicht — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 21:14:36 -0800

How can my girlfriend and I work past an aversion or barrier to intimacy that has come up in our relationship? My girlfriend and I started having big troubles in our relationship (there have been threads of this we'd felt, and fought for a while, and made a lot of progress on) right after she graduated from college, we planned a big trip together not far off, and moved in together to save money. We had had problems with too much dependency and closeness at the expense of our lives. At that time we were making great progress on that and things looked good, so I think we missed giving ourselves space to grow in a transitional time on the highs of things getting better. We planned a four month trip to india, that bounded the time we had to work and work together. Moving in our interactions became mundane and mechanical, we started feeling alienated, withdrawing, fantasizing, and checking out of the relationship. Rather than taking space and trying to foster the love while doing self work and keeping some distance, we tried to make it work. I ended up trying to initiate all the time, and being turned down. I think I was trying to force it and play it off as being great to assauge my deep fears of loosing her, and my problems with clingyness. Things got worse and worse until my advances began to make her feel averse (it all felt mechanical to me but I wouldn't let myself think it out of fear), and she lost attraction to me. I ended up getting frustrated and calling for a break without seeing other people. The break got really messy, rife with me freaking out about being left, not loved, not longed after, and her feeling even less attracted and not wanting to deal or put energy into something so unsavory. Some break throughs happened and we are communicating, and feeling emotionally closer. I discovered that i had never been totally pleased in sex or in the relationship, but never confronted it or shared it with her. I always tried to please her, and never let go or let her take me. I developed my life around her, and our relationship stopped us from developing as individuals together with some space. Things could be looking up, and it could work. We both need to look into our feelings and see if we want to try to make this work, or if it isn't the best thing for us right now. I really want to work through this as I realized how much I really do love her, my limitations, and have seen the possibilities for flourishing out of all this turmoil. Still weirdness is in the air. Everything changed when we took the break and being around eachother, touching whatever felt distant and strange. It was as if our history was wiped away and we weren't really dating anymore, except that it feel even more conflicted and strange. With some closeness coming back it feels weird still, not knowing if we can grow past this and kiss, touch, make love, even cuddle, but knowing we'd have to if we were to get together again. She might be more inclined to try, but I get the impression she feels helpless against feeling no attraction for me now, and doesn't have any idea how to overcome that (and thinks we can't have a relationship without it). She's expressed worry about that, and even said she wonders if it is all sex and attraction, and if so what can she do? I think those experiences of wanting sex, wanting to be with me, but then feeling a physical aversion when I initiated have really impacted her and make her scared. I don't want to force anything or get in that position again. We have thought about professional help but don't know who to go to, if we have time, or if insurance will cover it. I bought Passionate Marriage on the recommendation of a previous thread, but it seems like it is dealing with people who both want to but it ends up not working. Any ideas for dealing with this? Can we overcome it? If so, how? I know this must be somewhat common, and want to believe this isn't the death knell of my deep love of many years. Thanks for any help!

Do you go to the toilet in front of your partner?

benzo8 — Sun, 31 Oct 2004 10:49:05 -0800

Do you go to the toilet in front of your partner? I mean, you see it all the time on movies and it's supposed to show (I guess) that the couple are relaxed and open with each other. But I've been with my girlfriend for five years and we're very open, very into each other (still), and yet I would never consider going to the toilet in front of her (number 1s, or number 2s) and would be, erm, disturbed if she did in front of me. So, are we strange and squeamish, or is TV/film skewing the field?