Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and infidelity

Help! Need advice for giving friend advice!!

Hydrofiend — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:24:00 -0800

How do I tell my friend the truth in a way that she can hear it, then take what she can from it and do what feels right to her? One of my closest and dearest friends believes me to be insightful and intuitive. I believe the same of her. She's been dating someone who she hoped I would meet and give her my "take" on because she feels I will not only be honest but be correct in my assessment. I met him this weekend. I LOVE her, she is my dog, my ace, my girl, the person I can tell all kinds of crazy shit to without judgement (I am very lucky to have her as a friend.) Love for the dude, not so much. Well, not that I don't like him...here's the story, backwards. My first impression is he's nice...to her. He is very attentive, stares at her with stars in his eyes and clearly wants to be a husband and daddy. It's obvious he wants to fill her every desire or need. To me, he's trying way too hard and that it might come from a place of desperation. Spending time with him, I feel he thinks she will save him in some way. From his demons or fear of being alone....I don't know. My issue is that I'm not sure whether his desire has anything to do with my friend as a person or if that's his goal and he's gonna get it however he can. I know she has the same concern but it's difficult to turn down someone who wants to wash your dishes and make love to you until the cows come home even though you are not sure whether you want that with them in the long run.
The thing is, my friend deserves to have someone look at her with stars in his eyes. She deserves someone who wants to make babies with her. She deserves all that she desires but.....homeboy seems a little off to me. He seems to have a fantasy in his head about whatever it is he thinks a relationship should be and, to me, that's not fair to my friend. She is fantastic sans fantasy and deserves someone who sees that. I get that we all have an idea of what it is we think we want when we think about loving someone for the rest of our lives but shouldn't that be based on the actual person whom we are thinking of spending the rest of our lives with? ("Starry Eyes" has expressed his love for her, his desire to live with and make a life with her....all good things if both people feel the same way. Not to mention they've known each other for about 6 months. The 1st few wrought with some drama, see below.)

OK, some of the messiness:

Their shit:
-My friend got out of a 2.5 year relationship shortly after meeting "Starry Eyes". (like literally a few weeks. She wasn't looking but apparently he was and he persued her consistently)

-She still has unresolved feelings for her ex and has made that clear to "Starry Eyes". She's been working through it but for the past months also beginning a relationship with "Starry Eyes".

-"Starry Eyes" was engaged in an open relationship when persuing my friend. (but apparently "open" meant just fucking, not falling in love)

-When he got caught with my friend by his fiance, he ended his engagement-the confrontation ended it, went into therapy and moved out. (He has subsequently made other decisions for My friend, complying to her wants and desires. Good on a whole but troublesome in that he didn't make these choices on his own , prior to meeting her)

-My friend has been honest with him about where she's at in terms of being in a relationship. He has told her he will wait.

My Shit:
-I'm fresh out of a stream of jacked up relationships, some involving infidelity on both ends. I'm pretty sensitive about the subject and can smell shenanigans a mile away now that I recognize the hows and whys to relationships involving such behavior.

-I'm a little jaded right now and not really feeling like I know jack shit about how to make a healthy relationship happen (in therapy thank you very much.)

-I've been in situations similar and have since realized that although shit like this happens, is bound to happen in your late 30's, it doesn't mean that you HAVE to build a relationship based on such shit. And, if you do choose to, all parties need to be clear and communicative.

My friend wants my input and advice. She asked me what I thought when "Starry Eyes"wasn't around and I told her not to ask just yet. She knows me and I know her-well. It's gonna be a long conversation. She's been grappling with her thoughts about this relationship for a while now. I love her and want to be honest with her but am trying to figure out the best way to say what I mean given my own issues right now. I know life can be grey and messy. Things are not always clear-cut and tied with a pretty bow. But I am still working through my own shit to discover what that all means to me.

I tend to romanticize in general but am in a real realist mood. How can I communicate to her what I sense about "Starry Eyes" yet express to her that it is clouded by my own sense of romantic relationships right now? Who knows, they may make it through and decide to move on in relationship. I just don't want my input to make her make a decision that might not be right for her but I also want her to pick up what I'm putting down. Oy! Help!!!

Is cheating in relationships in your twenties and thirties inevitable?

countingbackwards — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 17:40:24 -0800

Is infidelity in relationships in your twenties and thirties inevitable? I recently was cheated on by my ex-boyfriend days after we started living together and many of my friends who are in their late-30s are not surprised. We had been dating each other very seriously for a year, he spoke about getting a dog with me, he discussed future household repairs in the new place, putting me on his insurance, and at the same time was getting in some girls car in the middle of the night. Dating each other exclusively and living together were both his ideas (he even asked me what kind of wedding I would have) so I know there was no pressure on my end to have a life he didn't want. Seems as if he was just another boy too close for comfort to 30 and confused about what kind of life he wanted. I was just collateral damage.

I've told this story multiple times over the last few weeks and more than a few people didn't seem all that surprised. Someone even called it "age appropriate drama". Am I in for more duplicitous behavior from guys for the next ten years until I approaching 40? This break-up was really devastating and emotionally exhausting. I can't imagine going through something like this multiple times until I find someone to settle down with. Is this to be expected or does it happen more often than not? Also, I haven't spoken to him since about this, he has not reached out to me in any real way, perhaps out of shame.

What did he do that made you cheat?

surenoproblem — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:46:30 -0800

If you've felt the temptation to cheat, or have cheated, on a guy: what sorts of things was he neglecting to do around that time? Or what things was he doing? I realise that there are a multitude of external factors, and no-one really drives their partner to infidelity, but I'd like some insight into what behaviours make a relationship more susceptible to infidelity.

A female friend is feeling an acute temptation, and the mistakes her partner is making are obvious: he's emotionally distant, he's uncontactable for days at a time. It got me curious: are there broad, general patterns? Are there mistakes that aren't as obvious?

I'm hoping for specific, empirical examples, as opposed to common-sense generalisations.

For example; I'm hoping for things like, "whenever I tried to tell him about concerns I had at work, he was uninterested and had a dissmissive attitude as if I were just sharing office gossip".

And I'm less interested in things like, "just be a good husband and have trust in your wife".

If privacy is an issue, you can send answers to what.didnt.he.do@gmail.com, and I'll post the answers here.

Thanks a lot!

How do I cope with bitterness and vengefulness toward my ex?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:28:31 -0800

My husband of 17 years had an affair and left me for someone else. Three years later, I’m still feeling bitter and vengeful. Please help me cope. Three years ago, my husband (now ex-) had an affair and left me for someone else. We had been married for 17 years, were both in our mid-forties, and had no kids by choice.

The woman he left me for was married, has four kids, and was cheating on her husband with my ex. They met in an online game. Within a few months of starting the online affair, he started sending her money behind my back, he suddenly realized he wanted kids, and they decided they were meant to be together. He quit his job, divorced me, emptied our joint bank account, and moved across the country to take a new job and be with her, all within the space of about six months. I’ve had no contact with him ever since. None of his family or friends speak to me anymore, so I have no idea where he is or what happened to him after he left.

It astounded me that the man I’d known, loved, and lived with for 17 years was capable of doing something like this. Seventeen years! No one who knew him (or thought they did, anyway) ever would have predicted it. I’m not even sure he himself knew why he did it. His family and friends were as shocked and blindsided as I was. Some tried to talk him out of it, and one even tried to warn him that his new love interest might have been taking him for a ride, but he wouldn’t hear a word of it.

Losing him was devastating, especially under conditions like this. I loved him with all my heart. Even when there was emotional distance there was still sexual chemistry between us, up to and including the day he left, which confused me even more.

For more than a year, I was completely wrecked. I could barely even function. Sometimes I look at photos of myself from right before the divorce, and compare them to photos taken two years later, and it’s as if I aged ten years in that time.

Throughout the divorce process, he insisted that he still loved me and never set out to hurt me, but just couldn’t be with me anymore because he had to go ‘find himself’ and date other people. He even had the nerve to try to maintain a ‘friendship’ with me after this betrayal. I refused. It hurt to cut him out of my life entirely, but I had to do it, because it hurt even more to try to downgrade things to ‘friendship.’ Every contact I had with him was like the emotional version of re-opening a sucking chest wound.

Although I’ve moved on in some ways, I feel like I’ve been scarred for life by this loss, and healing is a very slow process. On the surface, I’m doing all right. I have good relationships with my two sisters. I have friends and a job, though I make very little money and I’m in debt. Except for a short fling, I haven’t dated since he left, and I’m lonely. I’ve tried online dating, and I attend night classes and various events, but haven’t met anyone I click with. (Dating in your forties is a whole different ball game than dating in your twenties, I’ve found. It’s kind of depressing).

The thing that still torments me the most, though, is that even after all this time, I’m still struggling with feelings of bitterness and vengefulness. I have not forgiven him for what he did, and to be honest I don’t even know if I’m capable of it. I can’t help but think that forgiveness is somewhat overrated.

I’ve tried therapy and all kinds of other things to work through all this, including mindfulness meditation, exercise, getting perspective by reading about people who have it worse than me, reading self-help books (the no-bullshit kind, not the fluffy saccharine kind), and writing him icy and rage-filled letters (none of which were actually sent, because I promised myself that no matter how bad it got, I would always maintain my dignity, and not behave like a crazy ex). All these things have helped to a certain extent, yet I still wonder how I could have been blindsided like this. I once prided myself on being a fairly good judge of character.

I’ve made some progress, at least. I can tell the burden is lighter than it was a year ago. Yet underneath it all, I still feel tattered and torn. I used to be confident, but now my self-image feels damaged. Although I know I’m better off without him, I miss the tenderness and love I once felt toward him. Things still feel unsettled. I know I’ll never see him again, and I won’t ever get an apology. I’m doing my best to move on with my life anyway.

But there is also a part of me, a part I’m not so proud of, that wants to see him reap what he has sown. My friends tell me that people who do things like this eventually get their comeuppance. I don’t know if I actually believe in karma, but I’m clinging to the idea anyway because it comforts me, especially when I’m struggling financially while he (as far as I know) is doing just fine. Is it really true that karma's a bitch? And if it were, would it even make any difference?

I still don’t understand what could have driven him to do something like this. Maybe I never will. But I’m tired of this dragging on and on. I want to find some kind of peace, if not resolution. How do I do this?

Personal experiences welcome. Throwaway email: blindsided.ex at gmail dot com.

Do I really have to say goodbye to all that, so soon?

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:04:33 -0800

I love my husband. But we can't really have sex, and that's not going to change. I'm thinking of looking elsewhere for it. I am a straight woman in my early forties, and my husband and I have been married for nearly a decade. He's a brilliant and lovely and very courageous man, and I love him dearly. I know he loves me too, and he's very good to me. But several years ago, he suffered significant nerve damage as a result of surgical complications, and as a result, our formerly enjoyable sex life has become very grim. He still experiences sexual desire, but he doesn't have enough nerve endings left to feel much actual sensation, and it is extremely difficult for him to achieve orgasm. (I should note that he already uses erectile dysfunction drugs, which help slightly, and that we are well aware of all the options and treatments available. I'm not seeking advice on the management of his medical issues.)

We still regularly engage in... well, I don't really think of it as sex any longer. I think of it as "Trying," a difficult and difficult-to-describe set of activities that very occasionally leads to an orgasm for him (a few times a year), but mostly not. Trying generally lasts for a couple of hours, and it is a fairly tense and often heartbreaking exercise that is of necessity focused pretty exclusively on him. He is always happy to do anything he can for me sexually, but since it does still turn him on, I afterward have the unappealing choice of either ignoring his needs or starting a round of Trying. So I don't ask. And I miss sex. I miss fun, easy, sexy sex, and I really miss sharing it with a partner who's having fun as well.

As much as I love my husband, sometimes I rebel against the idea that I will be cut off from the pleasures of the flesh for the rest of my life. Lately I have found myself wondering whether it would be possible to occasionally seek them elsewhere, and whether I would be such a very bad person if I were to do so. I am not interested in strangers, drama, or unnecessary risk, but my husband occasionally travels on business, and I have fantasized about having a discreet and trusted friend whom I could visit during the odd intervals when he's away. I have only a small circle of friends where I live at present, and I don't think there's anyone locally who would be both interested and sufficiently well-known to me, but I have an old friend back in my hometown whom I could at least see once or twice a year when I visit my family. I've known him since grade school and would trust him completely. He's habitually unattached -- so I wouldn't be infringing on a wife or a girlfriend -- and he's fond enough of me that he would never do anything to hurt me or jeopardize my marriage. (Although he's not fond enough of me to get hurt. We were friends with benefits back before the phrase was invented, but there's no greater spark between us.) I haven't even hinted at this to him, but I'll be visiting my hometown in a few months and would like to make up my mind in advance.

My husband is handling a deeply painful disability with more grace and patience than I would have thought possible. I love and admire him for it, and for many other things, and I have no intention of leaving him. But it's hard for me too, and sometimes the years stretching ahead look very bleak. I never thought I would seriously contemplate breaking my vows, but I also never thought I'd be in an essentially sexless marriage before I was 40. MeFites, have any of you been in a similar situation? If you were in my position, would you do it?

Quitting the competition, while still running the race

Chrysalis — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:25:20 -0800

Help me get my focus back on my own life and happiness and stop comparing/competing with my ex in my own mind... and stop having how I compare with others as a condition to my happiness/self esteem in general... 3 months ago I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me, so I packed my bags the same day and moved back to my home town (I'd moved city to live with him, had been there a year) to try to rebuild my life. I've been doing a pretty good job of that, all things considered, and now have a great job, am studying and keeping busy with my sport, have reconnected with all my friends and have a pretty good social life, but I still find myself comparing or competing with him in the back of my mind... wondering whether I'm doing better or worse than he is (I cut off all contact so I don't know anything for certain and he doesn't know what I'm up to)... even though I know it doesn't matter and there's enough happiness to go around for both of us.

Due to the fact that he cheated on me with much prettier girls, my already shaky confidence in terms of attractiveness, has taken a bit of a beating, whereas he would have got a huge ego boost and being very handsome, charming and a seasoned player who knows what people want to hear, no doubt has more girls on tap. I've been getting some male attention which has been reassuring but somehow I feel like maybe I should be trying to be a player like he was, and compete with him on that level. Then I remember that I actually *don't* want to just have a whole bunch of meaningless encounters or dishonest relationships just to stroke my ego, I would at some point like to have a real, caring relationship, if indeed such a thing is a realistic expectation, and I certainly don't want to use or decieve anyone the way he did me. Sometimes I worry that maybe the fact that I want something different in terms of relationships to what he wants is some kind of deficiency and Mr Player knows something I don't.

We also compete in the same sport, him much more successfully than I, and I'm sure that would continue to be the case, and to be honest, that bothers me. I always put in 100% effort but he has more natural talent and experience. I hate that he was so awful and is living out my dream.

I know I need to go back to thinking in terms of "me" not "we" and just focus on my own life and have that be enough in and of itself, and that he is not the kind of person I should even want to be like, but there's always a little voice in my head when something good happens going "haha, take that, I win" and the opposite when something bad happens. And then, as in the above example, sometimes I want things I don't even want, just so that I can feel like I came out alright. I guess I have a bit of a fear that he's just more of a winner in life and I'm the loser who got played - I don't want to think like this!

I know I am a competitive person anyway, and I have always been guilty of comparing myself to others, to the detriment of my own happiness, but I want to change. I want to stop comparing myself to him, and to other people, and stop setting "being better/the best" as a precondition to my happiness/sense of self worth. I feel like I'm wasting my life away like this!

What are some things I can think about or do to help me live my life in the context of my own personal values/goals/dreams again and not keep having to compete to prove to him or myself that I am a great person?

Should I try to date him or is it already too messy?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 20:47:51 -0800

Should I try to date him or is it already too messy? I've recently learned that a casual friend (Person A) is attracted to me. While I don't feel the same way (I feel neutral about it), I'm not averse to a couple dates to see if my interest is piqued.

However . . . I have a bit of a history with one of his friends (Person B). This is not something anyone knows. This friend is in a relationship and even if he wasn't, I'd be unlikely to pursue something. But I am maddeningly attracted to him and have enabled him in a few instances of infidelity. I'm not trying to explain or condone my decisions, it is what it is.

Person A, from what I know of him, is funny and intelligent and sometimes kind of an ass. Whether he is the kind of an ass I can accept in a relationship (dating or more significant) has yet to be decided. I guess the only way to find out is to date him. I'm not terrifically carnally attracted to him (unlike my feelings for Person B who I'd spend a week in bed with), but that often changes when I get to know someone.

But I'm hesitant. I'm a bit blase about fidelity (I try to remain faithful, but don't beat myself up if I slip as I have a couple times) and to be honest, I'm not sure that I wouldn't slip with Person B. If I started dating Person A, I don't know that Person B would see that as a boundary, frankly. The possibility of our hooking-up would likely be the same as with me being single. Or maybe not because there's a friend involved (bros before hos?)

I guess I'm worried about my track record and Person B's track record and how it could affect Person A if (hypothetically) the dates lead to something significant. Like I said, I'm neutral about Person A, but I'd like to give him a chance since I like him as a person and he's put himself out there, which I think is commendable and scary.

But is there already too much to navigate? I mean, I'm never certain that I have the capacity to be faithful, but I usually don't let that stop me from dating. I go with it, try to be good, deal with consequences if I have to (it's happened far less than I make it sound, but it has happened). But A and B are friends.

My indiscretions with B have been infrequent, but there was a recent makeout, the day before A asked me out. If it hadn't been for that, I would have accepted a date, no questions asked.

Does the potential bad outweigh the potential good of dating person A? Or should I just go for it?

(We're all in our late 20s/early 30s. I'd rather not have lectures about the wrongness of hooking up with someone in a relationship. There's a throwaway notmadamebovary@gmail.com for those who want it).

Help me figure out what to do about my relationship.

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:02:49 -0800

Help me sort out my feelings about the relationship I’m in because I just can’t seem to figure it out. (long and complicated - sorry!) (I apologize in advance for the length and thank anyone who can actually read the whole thing and offer some insight.)

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. I’m 25 and she’s 28. We are the somewhat stereotypical lesbian relationship: we met while we were in (unsatisfying) relationships with other people, left our respective partners to be together, became attached at the hip early on (once we started officially seeing each other we did not spend one night apart…. hardly ever), moved across the country together after only dating for six months, and now we live in a big city in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with a dog. We don’t have a lot of friends outside the relationship (a problem we’ve always recognized but never truly tried to fix) and we’re both homebodies for the most part. We even have lunch together almost every day during the week since our offices are close by. Most of the time, this is all okay and even great. I love spending time with her and never get sick of just “hanging out” with her.

When we first met, the sparks and chemistry and intensity was incredible. I have never felt that before in my life. In my heart, I truly felt that this is the person I want to spend my life with; this is the person that I want to grow old with. We connect in ways that I never connected with anyone – intellectually and otherwise.

After about six months to a year (shortly after moving in together), our sex life started to fizzle (think lesbian bed death syndrome). Then she told me that she has memories of being abused as a child, both physically and sexually, mostly the former. Her father was the source of her physical abuse, possibly the sexual abuse as well. In addition, her mother is completely in denial about any of the abuse taking place and has been the cause of my girlfriend having multiple emotional breakdowns since she has started to come to grips with her past abuse. She is in therapy and taking steps to heal and move past the abuse, but I believe it will be a long arduous process. I have done some reading about surviving abuse and the effects on intimate relationships and I won’t lie – I’m scared sh*tless. I’m worried that I am in a relationship that will never ever have satisfying sex again, that my girlfriend will always be the victim when we have arguments and use her past abuse as an excuse for her behavior, and I’m worried that I’ve gotten myself into something I don’t know how to handle.

Our sexual pattern goes something like this: I will initiate sex, usually in a nonverbal way like kissing her, and she will make it apparent that she isn’t interested. I feel disappointed, back down, and then later (either 10 minutes later or two days later, it doesn’t matter), SHE will initiate sex, usually verbally by asking me if I am interested. I generally accept the invitation, we have sex, and then we don’t have sex again for a while (this varies, lately the time between sex has been about two to four weeks). Tonight I told her that this pattern wasn’t working for me anymore, that I don’t like always being rejected only to be invited to have sex later on. Of course this is a control issue. She told me that she needs me to verbally ask her permission before doing anything physical with her – that she doesn’t like it when I start to kiss her, take her belt off, whatever it might be. I obliged to this request, but I feel like it is insane. I don’t know if I can have a sexual relationship with someone who needs me to spell out exactly what I want to do before I do it… like I need to get her to sign an imaginary permission slip before I’m allowed to make love to her. Besides making me feel like a pawn, it completely takes the spontaneity out of sex and kind of makes me not want to do it in the end.

Sometimes I really don’t even want to have sex with her because it is so predictable, so vanilla… I want her to take charge once and a while and do something crazy or different. But she’s only interested in nice, calm, Sarah McLachlan-y sex. Anything else freaks her out (including toys, different positions, etc.). She’s always worried that things will “trigger” her, which I respect and understand… it’s just incredibly disappointing.

Here’s the part where I make my big confession… I have been a less than stellar girlfriend in the faithfulness department. In the past year and a half I have cheated on her with three different people… two of those three people were ongoing affairs that lasted several months. They didn’t mean anything to me past the sex they provided… I was just so incredibly frustrated by the lack of sex in my relationship and so eager to find out what I was missing. They were fun, but that was it – I wasn’t in love with any of them, nor was I interested in prolonging the affairs past their prime. I ended things with the two ongoing people early this year and don’t intend to have any repeat performances. Yes, I got tested and everything was negative re STDs. My guilt was enough to make me realize that it was a mistake. I don’t know why I did it, really… but I think maybe I was just sabotaging this relationship because I’m so worried about the issues she has and the issues we have together. And I thought “oh, I’m young, I shouldn’t be sexless,” etc. etc. Stupid, yes. But it’s over and done with. And she doesn’t know what happened – I decided it would be a horrible idea to tell her because she’s already dealing with enough.

One of the reasons I don’t have a lot of platonic friends outside my relationship with my girlfriend is that I think I tend to sexualize friendships. That’s a different issue for a different post, but I felt I needed to say it here. Maybe one of the reasons I do it is because I feel very sexually repressed and I am subconsciously looking for an outlet in everyone that I meet. Generally, if I’m not sexually attracted to someone I don’t make much effort to have a friendship with them and we lose touch. Weird, yes.

Sometimes, crazy as it may seem, we have this seemingly perfect life together… we’re thinking about the future together and where we might be living in the next year (we might be moving out of the area so she can pursue grad school), and I’m always imagining the house we’ll live in and the life we can build together. But are my hopes for our future overshadowing the problems in our relationship, and is going along with whatever she wants when she wants it just going to dig me in deeper to issues that I am not prepared to deal with?

We went to couples therapy once last year and it was absolutely not helpful for me. Partly because our therapist had this “I don’t keep secrets” policy, so I could never tell her about my infidelities if I wanted her to keep them confidential. But also because I have a hard time talking about serious stuff face to face with a total stranger. Hence the AskMe post.

I feel as though there is a lot more to mention here that I am neglecting to include… mostly I just worry about being the constantly supportive girl in the relationship while my needs are being pushed aside because hers are more important… something like that.

Help?

Now I Know How Simone Warne Must Have Felt.

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:30:39 -0800

Is my fiancée cheating on me, or is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? My fiancée and I have been together now for almost three years and by and large we've had a happy, healthy relationship. Sure we've had our problems. I'm more interested in sex than she is and we don't go out as often anymore as we once used to (leading to her telling me on a few occasions that she feels a little bored) but as I said, by and large we've been very, very happy together, and are looking forward to getting married in a year or two and starting the rest of our lives together.

Last Monday, my girl told me she had been asked to go out on a girl's night out with a female friend from work and some of her friends. I will admit, I wasn't thrilled with the idea. I know what guys are like and while I trust her, I don't trust a city-full of drunken guys seeing my sexy lady and trying to hit on her. But I'm sane enough to know I don't control her, and even more sane enough to know that I couldn't very well ban her from going or anything, so all I could do was suck it up and try and make the best of a night at home by myself. Plus, bottom line, I do trust her and had always told her I would always trust her until she gave me a reason not to.

She had told me she was only planning on staying out till midnight but at 5am this morning she crawled into bed, drunk. She told me that only one guy had tried to hit on her, but she had rebuked him and that all she could think of all night was me. She would have had sex with me there and then, she also said, except she was too tired. Given it was 5am and I had hardly slept most of that night out of worrying, I was too tired for it myself so we slept until 11am and then went about our usual Sunday.

And then at 1.30, as we watched a DVD, she got an MMS. She went and grabbed her phone and sat down next to me and we looked at it together. It was an unknown number. She opened the MMS and it was a picture of a toned naked guy, full frontal, with his dick in his hand. And the message along with it read "Northern suburbs. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk."

Naturally my mind started racing. She swears that she didn't do anything wrong but she also admits that this looks very, very suspicious. Although I'm inclined to believe her (she has never given me a reason not to trust her), I think she may have, in her drunken state, accidentally given a guy her number last night which led to this MMS. She started to cry and claims that not even that happened, and again I am inclined to believe that, but I'm not sure.

At any rate, she deleted the MMS straight away, so unless he writes back, we can't really test any of these theories by writing back to him. For her part, she has said that if he does write back, she will write back to him, in front of me, that he has the wrong number.

The only other theory I can come up with is that maybe some dude was chatting online to some chick, and she gave him her number while asking "where do you live?" In response, he sent her this picture of himself with the attached message. This theory does make some sense as 'Northern Suburbs' is usually a reference to the northern suburbs of Sydney. In Brisbane, where we live, we don't call our northern suburbs the Northern Suburbs. We call it the northside. So basically, if she had been cheating on me, and this dude was from Brisbane, he would have more likely written Northside. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk." It's not much of a theory, I'll grant you, but it's a theory nevertheless.

I should also mention that in the limited time I've had to think about this, I have realised that if she hadn't gone out last night and we had still gotten this message, I would never have even suspected for a second that she was cheating on me or otherwise. But in the light of the fact that she did go out for a drunken night on the town with hordes of lecherous guys on the prowl all around her, my mind can't help but put A and B together...

So Metafilter, what's your take on this? Is my fiancée cheating on me? Or do you think she accidentally and innocently gave out her number and doesn't remember it? Is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? Or is it something else I may not even have considered.

Over to you...

How do I deal with my anger over cheating?

Brainy — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 07:40:10 -0800

My girlfriend cheated. We're separated now. What do I do with this anger? My (ex) girlfriend has been cheating on me since October. I confronted her about it many times, but all my evidence was circumstancial and only pointed to lesser crimes. I was put into awkward situations (like providing a ride to her house for him) under the guise of "just friendship". She never admitted it until I pulled out the printout of the conversation I had with him on Trillian. (he admitted it because he thought we were no longer together).

She has been crying non-stop, and I do truly believe she is sorry. If that makes a difference or not ultimately....well, we'll just have to see. We've briefly considered getting back together after a healing period, and right now, that's where we stand...hopeful. I feel like if we get together or not has a lot to do with how much we heal and I'm not placing bets either way. I tend to waver in my emotions from minute to minute.

So, since we're not talking, I'm unable to yell & scream & curse at her, and don't feel that's the best idea anyway. She cheated because of quite a few neurosis (it seems) that she is seeking help for and telling her what I think of her would be like kicking a broken puppy...and possibly setting her back quite a bit in her already low self esteem.

But the problem is, I'll remember Event A where I was lied to and just make the connection now, or I'll re-remember how it was when I was doing B and it'll all seem so fresh and I just want to...react somehow. But I don't know how.

The only outlet my anger seeks is to tell her, hurt her with what she's done and that is not healthy, wouldn't help much and we're not talking anyway.

I'm not the sorta guy to scream and punch things so that doesn't seem to feel right, and it can strike at anytime, anywhere. How do I deal with that anger when I'm feeling it?

How to fall out of love

luftmensch — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 09:06:51 -0800

I have no problems falling in love - it's falling out I need some help with. I fell for a guy over the internet 5 months ago, behind my boyfriend's back. We felt really strongly for each other (I think this might be an understatement), and a while ago he drove 600 miles to visit me. Everything went pretty well--no, I'm not pregnant or anything--but eventually I had to tell my boyfriend of nearly 4 years that I'd been living a lie. I've promised to stay with the boyfriend and break it off with the out-of-towner. After a self-imposed month of no communication, I thoguht it was maybe time to set on the road to being friends with him--I feel that the best thing that could come from this is he and I still being close friends, becuase I so very much want to be able to care about him. It was too soon, though, as I'd progressed much faster than he, sicne I had someone there for support when he did not. After a few exchanges it's become clear that I'm heading back where I started, and it feels like I've just wasted or undone a month. I'd like any advice you might have on how to break this off, specifically ways that could help him. I know I can deal with my own problems in the matter, and I want to help him, but his pain is too much for me to bare without falling back to him again. Just for clarification to this matter: we're both young college-age, although he isn't in college. He attempted suicide early in that month mentioned, and wasn't talked out of it so much as threatened out of it by a mutual internet friend (who was going to call the cops on him). I've also been rather suicidal, but I can't bring msyelf to cause that much mroe pain on the people I care about, even if it means I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. He still loves me and I still love him. And we need to stop.

(apologies - spell check doesn't seem to actually work. I tried to proofread best I can.)

Dealing with small infidelity?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 May 2005 14:05:02 -0800

My relationship is wonderful. It's been a couple of years and we have big plans, a definitely long term view, get along perfectly, still have passion, all that... So why did I kiss a friend while really, really drunk the other night? And what should I do about it? Only the friend and I know about this. I think we're both really embarrassed and wish it had never happened. I am 100% certain it will never happen again. Certainly nothing has happened before.

Can I, therefore, just pretend it never happened? Never tell anyone? Unconfessed guilt as my punishment? Go on with my life unchanged? Is this kind of secret that will stay secret, or will it come out sometime, somehow?

If so, will the friend (a mutual friend of both my partner and I) be able to remain friends with us? I feel guilty about that, too.

Part of me thinks that the "right thing to do" would be to tell my partner, but if I did, I know it would just cause a world of problems that are completely avoidable. If our roles were reversed, I would not want to know, I think...

Well-spouse needs guidance.

Anonymous — Fri, 06 May 2005 04:01:37 -0800

Can I seek companionship outside my marriage and still respect myself in the morning? My husband and I, both in our late 30s, have been married for 12 years and have two children. Several years ago, he was diagnosed with a degenerative nerve condition and is currently wheelchair bound. Prior to his illness, he was a very competent and driven individual; this disease has robbed him of the ability to work or even affect the smallest of changes in his environment. I will say that I am lucky that he remains a pleasant person to be around in spite of his failing body.

I love him profoundly and would never dream of abandoning him--- and let me add that I would hate to cause him emotional pain-- but I am under the double weight of all my increased responsibilities plus the complete loss of the sexual side of our relationship.

What advice would you have for a woman who didn't realize how lucky she was to have an Alpha Male until she didn't have one any more? Furthermore, since AA-battery operated novelties are a piss-poor substitute for a sex life, what to do about that?

Is Ignorance Bliss?

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Dec 2004 16:30:51 -0800

If you were cheated on and broken up with, would you want to know that you were cheated on or would ignorance be bliss?

Relationship past betrayal.

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Nov 2004 10:16:39 -0800

Dear Ask Mefi: How can two people who love each other get back together after a tragic breakup? She and I lived together for many years. The relationship ended because she cheated on me. Otherwise, she was the love of my life. Now, years later, I have discovered through mutual friends that she refers to it as one of the biggest mistakes of her life but doesn't even forgive herself. I might be able to forgive under the right circumstances and if she is sincere. But, I don't want to initiate contact because I still feel hurt. She won't initiate contact because she doesn't feel she deserves a second chance. Is there anyplace to go from here? Advice, experiences welcome...

What are the rates of marital infidelity in western nations?

Irontom — Thu, 05 Feb 2004 07:35:16 -0800

Can anyone point me to information about rates of marital infidelity in western nations? I'm particularly interested in the United States, but figures on other first world nations would provide interesting material for comparison.