Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and girlfriend

"Like Rolf and Liesl, minus the Nazism!"

Gotham — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 09:20:43 -0800

What do you wish your first relationship had been like? Or, if it was perfect, tell me why.

I suddenly find myself on the more experienced side of the couple coin and I'm not really sure what to do here. How can I make sure that he'll look back on me fondly instead of in therapy?

Should I acknowledge ex's wedding?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:28:50 -0800

I found out recently that my ex-girlfriend of 3 years is engaged and getting married in less than 2 months. Should I acknowledge it? My ex-girlfriend ("Mary") and I dated exclusively for over 3 years while in college. While we dated, we were very close, and we even lived together for a good portion of that time. We broke up amicably and mutually in 2005 and although it was on friendly terms, we haven't really stayed in touch beyond a couple of emails and calls since then. I am fairly sure that if I emailed her today and said hello, she'd be likely to respond (I say "fairly sure" because now that she's engaged and in her "OMG I'm getting married!" mode, she might not be as interested in writing to an ex-boyfriend).

Following our break up, she finished school, relocated to another part of the state (300+ miles away), and found work and a place to live near her extended family. I stayed here.

Recently I found out through a friend that Mary is engaged and getting married very soon - less than 2 months. My friend is a friend of hers on Facebook. I am not on Mary's friends list and she is not on mine on Facebook (it has always been this way). Through some simple Internet sleuthing, I was able to find out Mary's fiance's name as well as their wedding date. While I always knew that this day would eventually come, I have to be honest in admitting that the surprise of the news struck me a little hard. I am genuinely, sincerely happy for her, though, and I really wish nothing but the best for her.

I have no expectations of receiving a wedding invitation, nor has she contacted me directly with the news. According to my friend, she openly and regularly posts about wedding preparations on her Facebook page.

My question is this: Should I acknowledge in some way (email, call, card, gift, etc.) this big news? It feels odd to me not to acknowledge it somehow, and I really feel like I should, but at the same time I feel like if she wanted me to know, she would have told me directly. So I'm torn about what to do. So, I'm coming to you! I'd really appreciate your insight and advice. Thank you.

Throwaway email for questions/follow-ups: exgfmarriage@hotmail.com

Like guy friend of mine with girlfriend, how to tell him?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 08:37:24 -0800

Telling a male friend of mine, who's all sorts of awesome, that I like him and would be very interested in dating him for the forseeable future. Catch? Girlfriend. In college. Met a guy two years in a small class, he was nice and I developed a small crush on him. Over the course of two years, I got to know him better from acquaintance to friend, and he's got the best attitude toward everything, is kind, caring, and giving. He's had some hard times in the past (lost a parent to cancer) but remains honest, upbeat. We're talking just Good Material here.

Of course over the course of time I never told him I was interested (due to insecurity issues of my own), and he got a girlfriend, who I might recognize by face but barely know.

I'm wrapping up my study abroad program now, and he began to text me on my American cell phone a couple of months ago--I certainly did not give him my number, and had no idea who it was at first. We kept up the email/text communication, and, so far, I've tried not to say anything I wouldn't want his girlfriend to read, but it has gotten, at times emotionally intimiate--things that would be absolutely fine if I wasn't interested in him, but can also happen given that I am interested in him.

We'll be back at college in August and he's been saying, "Oh, we need to go out and celebrate your being back!" Again--I've done this with guys who've had girlfriends, but I always knew their girlfriends well enough that I knew it wasn't a problem (for my own emotions), I perhaps liked the guy as more than a friend but loved him with his girlfriend too much, thought the guy is attractive but wouldn't date him in a million years, but I've never been friends with a guy with a girlfriend that I've actually liked, so don't know how to tread here.

I would like to tell him that he's a great person, and through my experience dating other men (I've probably dated about 4 men--no boyfriends--over the time I've known him, so I'm not pining after him) I've realized what great qualities he has, and I want to put my name in the hat if he's ever available.

My questions are:
(a) is it unreasonable to assume he likes me? We text a LOT, usually several times a day, just about our daily lives. He usually starts it.
(b) why did he contact me out of the blue? We were friends (we'd have dinner on campus, but wouldn't go past that), so he certainly stepped it up out of the blue.
(c) How should I go about telling him? I also want to make it clear I am NOT trying to break him up with his girlfriend, but life is short, and he's a GREAT person, and I would be willing to be more flexible with my plans for the chance to spend time with a person like that. This guy is grounded, kind, generous, and honorable.
(d) Is this a good idea?
(e) Want to emphasize that I still want to be friends with him.

Before anyone says, "But he's being emotionally intimate with you, and he has a girlfriend," I want to stress that I believe he's been very honorable in his communication with me, and truly nothing has passed between us that is at all questionable.

Thank you, MeFites!

MY GIRLFRIEND IS ANGRY A LOT AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL

defmute — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 10:25:27 -0800

How do I deal with my angry girlfriend? I've been going out with my girlfriend for 7 months. We've had a lot of highs and lows and overall have a lot of fun together. One thing that has been a huge issue, however, is the fact that my girlfriend often vents her anger about her friends and I get impatient listening to her be angry. Example: My girlfriend vented to me today about how angry it makes her that her roommate is constantly reminding her to do things (i.e. take out the trash, drink less coffee) that make her feel like she thinks her roommate thinks she's incompetant. My girlfriend hates being told what to do. I personally think that her roommate is perfectly reasonable in this situation find my girlfriends anger to be petty. My girlfriend knows this and we always get into an argument when I am not able to simply acknowledge her anger. I must admit that I emotionally distance myself in these situations because I just don't know how to speak my mind and also not make her angry at me.

She yells. I'm like "What you yelling for?". She yells at me for not understanding her. <------ this is essentially how I feel when am her "venting partner".

What should I do? Do I just say "yeah, you're right. That really sucks." when she has a complaint that I find uncomplain-worthy? Is there a way for me to stand my ground and be there for her as well?

Smart guy with a confusing girl, help?

Born to Hula — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:11:50 -0800

I like this girl and all signs say she digs me, but the situation's funky...read on and help me! Help me figure out this conundrum. I meet a girl at the orientation for the internship program I'm in at a company in my native city. I'm in college at the moment. I flirt with her, she flirts back and laughs at my jokes, ends up asking for my number before I can ask for hers. We get in touch, I take her out and she has fun. We get lunch a few times during the next week. I'm a good looking, confident, socially apt guy. But I thought something was fishy about this girl. Something that stopped me from making a move at other times. I ask her if she has a boyfriend a couple weeks after meeting her, and she says yes, not too enthusiastically.

Interesting.

Anyway, as I said, I'm a native of this city, but she's from a few states away, and goes to school there. So does her boyfriend. I still flirt with her and remain friendly with her, but most importantly I have a big crush on her, and almost everything I read about her says she is attracted to me. She calls me to hang out often. She seems to get nervous when I lay down the more heavy duty flirting, in a "I want to but I shouldn't way." I'm not the kind of guy who gets off on breaking up relationships, but I'm attracted to this girl in more than a physical way, and her boyfriend whom I've never met is far away and I really don't care much about him. She seems to drop hints that he is annoying her at times.

To wrap it up:

Is she being flirty with me because she's lonely in this new city where she doesn't know anyone and just wants me to stick around while the summer lasts? Or is she waiting for me to make a move despite the obvious ethical boundaries around it? Should I just grow a pair and kiss her or is she playing some kind of weird game with me?

What do you all think?

Lunch with female friends other than your girlfriend is ok?

salsa buena — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 10:20:43 -0800

I have a girlfriend and my best friend is female. Should I feel guilty having lunch with my friend? Me and my girlfriend have been talking lately. She really feels that the fact that I don't mention that I have lunch with my friend makes her a bit suspicious. We have both acknowledged that she can get a little jealous of my friend because we're close. I've been with my gf for 3 years now and I've known my friend for 20 years. Me and my friend have never been intimate and my gf knows her personally.

Now, she is asking me to inform her every time I go to lunch with my friend or any other female for that matter whether its a friend or a co-worker. I wouldn't ask the same of her, I would just trust her and believe that she wouldn't do anything to disrespect our relationship.

Part of me is saying I shouldn't give in to this request because I'd feel like I have to report what I'm doing or whom I spend my money on just to put her insecurity at ease. If I give in, what's next?

Another part of me wishes to want to make her feel at ease. I love the fact that she talked to me about what is bothering her and I really want to come to a solution. Not sure where to go from here.

Is it normal to cut off your female friends for the sake of your girlfriend?

salsa buena — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:08:35 -0800

Is it normal to cut off your female friends for the sake of your girlfriend? Hi all. First post, so please bare with me. I have lots I want to ask but don't want to put my whole life story in one post, so I'll keep it specific to this one question.

I'm 29, and my girlfriend is 32. We've currently live together and have been dating for almost two years. More on that some other post. Let's just say I don't feel she trusts me even though I've never given her any indication that I'm unfaithful.

One of my best friends is female and I've known her since I was eight. She knows her and we've all gone out on many occasions before and after she was married. I'm used to talking with her constantly and lately her and my girlfriend haven't talked much ever since she met someone else so she's been unavailable as of late.

Here's the thing, ever since the beginning, she gets a really bad attitude with me when she sees that there are emails between me and her, that we plan lunch dates, or if we communicate period. Admittedly, I've had to cut off almost all of my female friends ever since I decided to be serious with her. I figure that comes with the territory but I find it difficult to do this to this particular friend because we've been through thick and thin. Sure we dated once for a few months in high school, but that was long ago. Our conversations are never inappropriate.

My girlfriend and her ex boyfriends conversations? That's another story for another post as well. So what do you guys think? I mean, is it wrong for me to have lunch with my friend? I feel like I've sacrificed enough already.

My girlfriend throws it in my face that she sacrifices as well because she constantly has guys asking her out and she says no, but I imagine those to be guys with other intentions so her saying no should be pretty standard. No sacrifice there. Don't know, just seems unfair.

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP!

anonymous35 — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:42:49 -0800

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP! Some pretext before you start reading: I'm a pretty conservative guy. I've only had one serious relationship in the past (for one year and it ended badly when I started attending college). The prospect of one-night stands aren't that appealing to me. In the four years I attended undergrad, I've had opportunities to 'hook up' with girls but decided to pass if there wasn't a prospective of a relationship. In short, I was always looking for that special connection with someone. I never found it throughout college (in part because I wasn't actively looking; instead I sacrificed the latter two years of my social life for academics). Things changed recently with a person I never ever thought of as a potential girlfriend.

Here are the details:

I'm 23, recently graduated and work full time. She's 20, and will be a rising junior at the school I graduated from. We are both from the same hometown but school separates us 100 miles apart during the semester.

We met through a mutual friend, actually her ex-boyfriend (and only bf) of two years. I consider him a good friend and while the two were dating, it NEVER crossed my mind that I could see her as a potential girlfriend. However, they had a falling out as soon as she left for her freshman year (my senior year); they don't speak to each other anymore, I don't speak to him at all anymore, (and he has moved four states over).

Things started heating up this past winter when she came back from school and I had time off from work. We hung out on a daily basis, and although there was nothing intimate, there was a special bond forming between us. Daily hugs were long and drawn out, we would hold hands and cuddle on the couch for movies. After she left to go back for school, I thought that would be the end of communication, but she constantly texted me, which would follow up with me calling her every two or three days. I would never call her on the weekend out of respect for her space and allowing her to 'enjoy the social college scene'. Plus, I didn't want to be a burden if I called everyday. Conversations would be filled with nothing and everything, and for the first time in a long time, I finally felt that special connection. We flirted through text and I talked about going to visit her. However, things reached a boiling point when I mentioned the idea of visiting her for valentine's day, in which she abruptly told me that the flirting had to stop. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship, wanted to explore her options with other guys but wanted us to stay amicable and be 'friends'. Yes, the dreaded F word. Caught in the moment, and in an act of desperation, I told her everything that was on my mind and how I felt about her, how it was only the beginning of something special, and how I didn't want to lose that. It culminated into me running out of words to say and us deciding to take a break from talking to let things cool.

Fast forward two weeks later (late Feb). I caved. I texted her a simple, 'how are you doing', and this vicious cycle continued again. Flirting. Laughing. Long passionate hugs and holding hands. Pretending everything was the same again before that 'talk'. She would now start sending emails to me at work. I visited her a few times, with the first time slept over (but on her couch), and most recently (about a month ago) slept over with her. However, things did not get intimate, and I did not want to bring up the issue in an effort to avoid that awkwardness. Note: a main reason why I am attracted to her is that she is very conservative and although we didn't get intimate, I definitely felt it was progress from both sides.

Two weeks ago, I went back to school for a big concert and she knew I would be in town, however, not a single call or text Fri or Sat. I gave her a call and we met up for a picnic Sun. Things were going smoothly until I dropped her off, and in a jokingly way said 'hey, you never called me the last few days'. She shrugged it off and said 'you know we are really good friends. You have your friends at home and I have mine at school'. We left things at that
and there have been one or two texts between us the last two weeks. I've tried to give her space by not calling her at all, especially since final exams are this week. But in the last few days, I feel like salt is being poured on my open heart wound - on her facebook, she's been flirting with a new guy non-stop whom she met through her best friend at school.

I have not said or mentioned a single word to her about this new guy, nor have I called her in almost two weeks. However, in the past five months, if there was a lull in the communication I would call her and things would be 'back to normal' and have escalated progressively each time. This is where my ambivalence sets in - I can't help to think that if I cut her off completely, then I would lose out on the opportunity. The only reason I am seriously contemplating contacting her is that I just don't want to look back and regret not doing enough at the time.

Perhaps in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that something 'great' would eventually develop out of this 'not so much friends, yet not gf/bf' relationship. However, it has become too taxing on my heart, with all the rollercoaster up and downs associated with it. I feel like I am perpetually trying to catch that prized fish, I know exactly where it is, keep dipping in the water, but only get nibs back. If I continue to try, will I eventually catch it?
I told myself I would never want to be the guy that would do all the chasing, and in order for a relationship to work, both sides would have to put in equal weight. In some aspects this hurts more than my first (and only) serious relationship post-break up. For my first relationship, the timing was right but the connection (looking back now) wasn't that great. Now, in my current situation, the connection is off the charts, but the timing is a little off. I am extremely attracted to her physically but can't see us being only friends.

I'm stuck in a rut now and I don't know which way to turn. The past year since my graduation has been a downward spiral. I had a great paying job with a career path set up, but was laid off due to the economy two months into 'the real world'. Returned back home and found another job, live at home, and give half my paycheck to my folks to help out with the mortgage because my father lost his job as well. The opportunities to meet women are bleak, since the demographics within the new company are middle-aged and with families.

So which way do I turn? Run for the hills and cut her off (something I don't think I am ready for yet), or continue to keep it casual (even though it burns like hell to find out about this new guy)? I am still (foolishly perhaps) holding onto the hope that when she gets back home for the summer, we would have more time together as she wouldn't be bogged down with schoolwork and the distance.

I sincerely appreciate any advice you guys have. Thanks for listening (and reading).

How do I tell my girlfriend I want to be a father?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 09:03:51 -0800

How do I go about telling my girlfriend I want to be a father? This makes me nervous, since I don't think she wants to be be a mother and life-goal conflicts like this are pretty big when talking about relationships. Girlfriend: 21, bad father figure, divorced parents, not sure on what she wants to do with her life still.
Me: 23, nuclear family, career-job, want to be a father... one day.

We've been dating for almost a year (which I know isn't a particularly long period of time), but I'm at a point where I'm dreaming of having a life with this woman and a couple of nice kids and all that silly nonsense. Only problem is, I don't think she wants the same things.

Despite the fact we're both young, I know I'd like to have children one day but I don't think she feels the same way. I figure this is generally a yes/no kind of thing, and not a "Welllllll, maaaybe?" - at least it is for me. I'm reluctant to ask about this since it's potentially a deal-breaker for me but I'm very much in love this woman.

How do I tactfully ask about this without me seeming like a madman who wants to knock her up and buy a house with a picket fence after only a year?

Girlfriend insists on no longer meeting any other females. Is this right?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 16:16:21 -0800

Girlfriend insists on no longer meeting any other females. Is this right? Ok I got into this huge argument the other day.

I received a call while hanging out with her. It was a girl that wanted to hang out. One that I have known for a few months (post gf). Anyway I told the girlfriend who was on the phone and she flipped out!

She said I betrayed her and that I didn't want to be with her/love her etc. She can't believe that I gave the girl my number or that the girl had mine. The fact I talked to the girl was probably the part the upset her the most.

I told her that this girl knows I am not interested in dating her and wanted only a friendship.

Didn't matter. She is still really upset about this.

She says that I should not be making any female relationships now that I am with her.

To me this seems very strange as we have been together for 4 years and I have never cheated on her or broken her trust.

I just don't understand why having another female friend is such a huge deal.
And I really don't like the idea of my girlfriend being the only girl I ever know (she is my first and only good female relationship atm).

Im 27 so is she.

What do I do?
I am willing to not see any more girls period (to be with her). But this seems just a tad extreme to me. Am I wrong?

Should I be creeped out by my dad's relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 11:53:47 -0800

Last year my dad and my step-mother divorced after 20 years of marriage. It was not an easy break-up, and my dad was pretty devastated in its wake. While it was wrenching for me to think of my dad being alone in his mid-sixties, I cheered myself knowing that my dad, being a very smart, handsome, together guy with a whole lot of awesome qualities, is definitely a catch and would almost certainly end up with someone terrific. I always pictured him being with some fun, free-spirited woman, probably a widow, someone who could match his intellect, stand up to his occasional bull-headedness, and win the hearts of his kids. He’s now with with someone, alright, but not at all what I’d imagined or hoped for. My dad is now dating a woman nearly 30 years younger than he. The part that’s really, really bugging me, though, is the fact that she is about 18 months older than I. She and I could have been classmates. She’s 36, he’s 64. He is, quite literally, old enough to be her father.

My dad and I are close in every aspect but this. We haven’t fought about it or anything, but on the very few occasions we’ve talked the girlfriend I’ve told him that I support him, but that I am also not at all comfortable with it, so we really just avoid the topic altogether. I really want to turn the situation around on him, and ask him what he’d think if his daughter was boning a 62-year-old man, just to put it in perspective, but I haven’t, because it would be petty and not serve any real purpose other than being antagonistic.

The added layer of ickiness here is this: when I was very young my parents divorced in no small part because my dad fucked the babysitter, who was not above the age of consent at the time. I don’t want to get into a giant flamewar about the questionable ethics of grown men fucking “willing” teenagers here; I mention it because, even though I’ve forgiven him for that long ago and this is a relationship between two consenting adults, it does, in some small way, echo back to that predilection.

To complicate matters further, today the girlfriend e-mailed me for the first time, and in it she included a few suggestions for what to get my dad for Christmas. It wasn’t snotty; in fact, I could tell she was trying to reach out and genuinely be nice, but goddamn lady, you’ve been dating him for six months and already you’re trying on the step-mommy role. I haven’t written back yet, although I will eventually, and when I do I swear I will be polite and as bland as milk.

So my conundrum is this: intellectually, I’m glad my dad has found someone, and that he is happy. Emotionally, it creeps me right the fuck out that 25 years ago she and I could have shared a locker.

Other important facts: I live on the opposite side of the country as my dad, so while we talk regularly I only get to see him once a year or twice a year at the very most. I haven’t yet met the girlfriend, nor do I have any desire to do so for the foreseeable future. Also, they are dating exclusively, but having just emerged from a divorce I don’t think that my dad would actually get married again, at least not for a long, long while. I hope.

I know that ultimately dating decisions belong solely to my dad, and I really want to be supportive of him. I’m just having a tough time not being completely grossed out by the vast age difference between my dad and his girlfriend and the itty bitty age difference between his girlfriend and his daughter.

Am I wrong here? Should I just get over myself and just be delighted my dad found someone he loves? Or is it totally creepy that my dad is dating someone less than two years older than his own daughter? Please help me find clarity and peace here, hive mind. If you’d prefer to e-mail me privately, send it to maydecsux at gmail.

Girlfriend wants me to get a shaggy hairstyle, should I?

jakubsnm — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:26:12 -0800

My other half really wants me to get the modern shag hair style like Brad Pitt's. I have long hair at the moment and I'm not too keen on the change... I think it's too feminine (pink is not the new black) and outdated. Am i being too stubborn?

How to help my girlfriend overcome her past?

HBomb — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 15:27:01 -0800

Background info: I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 2years and we both love each other very much. However, every once in awhile she will get depressed because of her troubled past. She is my first girlfriend, while she's had a few bad partners who I would punch in the face if I ever saw them. Just to name a few, she was physically abused by one, had a "friends with benefits" she is extremely disgusted/ashamed about. Every once in awhile her past will come back and cause her a lot of suffering. I've been very patient, respectful, loving and understanding to her throughout our entire relationship. However, I feel helpless to help her overcome her past. I've suggested counseling but she thinks it won't really help. Has anyone gone through something similar? I want to help her but I don't know how? Do I just continue doing what I am doing? Thank you in advance

Dear Mother, let me share the cover with my lover

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:11:50 -0800

What is the best way to communicate with my parent regarding my wishes for an upcoming visit from the girlfriend? Specifically, sleeping arrangements... Soon, my girlfriend of several months will be visiting me at my parents' home for a number of days. Neither myself nor my siblings have ever brought a romantic partner home, not even to watch a movie in a group during high school and certainly not for a stay of several days.

In discussions with my parents regarding this visit, they've brought up the subject of where to let my girlfriend sleep. Their consensus seems to be that I will sleep in a spare room, while she will sleep in mine. When this is mentioned, I either do not comment or say that we'll figure it out upon her arrival.

Their idea is not acceptable to me. I am a senior in college, and my girlfriend has graduated. At the end of this summer, she will be relocating to another continent for several months, so until next year our only convenient opportunities to see each other will be during the summer months.

Prior to leaving college for home, my girlfriend and I spent every night sleeping together in the same bed. To go from this arrangement to one where we will not even be in the same room is extraordinarily frustrating for us both.

Unfortunately, I have no choice but to host in my parents' home. I do not have the financial resources to acquire an apartment, and the unusual schedule of my college makes it difficult to fit into traditional lease and sublease cycles in the first place. I return home rather than remaining at college because it is extremely difficult to obtain summer housing at my school, which with few exceptions does not let students live in housing not owned by campus. (This is not a religious school). While I do intend to visit her at her home (currently also her parents' home), that will not be possible for a number of weeks.

My question (finally!) is this: what is the best way to approach my parents about this situation, and to convince them to take my side? To be clear, my goal is not to be given their blessing to have a week of nudity and wild sex, but simply to sleep together in one bed while clothed in sleepwear. My parents are not conservative, but their own admitted limited experience in relationships other than their own, the lack of history of anything like this from myself or my siblings, and their stated desire to keep us in separate rooms makes me nervous about how I approach this subject.

Any advice from those who have been in similar situation, or from anyone who wishes to provide some suggestions, is greatly appreciated.

help me with my psycho ex girlfriend

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 16:44:06 -0800

help me with my psycho ex girlfriend Here's the story...

I got involved with a 28 year old woman. We were in love. She cheated on me. I'm no longer in love with her, so I broke up with her about a month ago. She is still in love with me and won't let me go. She constantly calls my cell and texts me numerous times a day. She calls me at 4 and 5 in the morning waking up my parents and stops by my house and rings our doorbell until she eventually gives up and leaves. I told her I did not want anything to do with her after she cheated on me, but she won't take no for an answer. If I change my phone number she will someway or another find it out through our mutual friends. I don't know what to do she is persitant and won't leave me alone. How do I get her to stop psycho stalking me?

I love my girlfriend, but am I doin it rite?

crunch buttsteak — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 10:17:16 -0800

I am madly in love with my girlfriend. I want it to last. Am I doing everything I should be doing, as a good boyfriend? I have been with my current girlfriend for 6 months. We are both between 18-21 years of age. I've had relationships before, but they were different. In the past, I liked someone's company and the feeling of companionship. Sentimental, you could say. My longest relationship before this was 2 years, but it was casual and didn't mean much in the end.

Before this, I had never been with someone who I would consider marrying, spending the rest of my life with, etc.. I'm sure many of you have been there, but this is really new for me. I know we're both young, but I am so in love with her that it just.. it doesn't make sense. The only way I want this to turn out is with me giving her my love for the rest of my life, if not for the freakin rest of time itself.

But beneath all my layers of sap and sentimental mushiness, I do have a cynical, ~~pessimistic~~ realist side. I have a few concerns with our relationship and I want to know:
- if I should be concerned
- and if so, am I doing everything in my power to make things work?

1) She has low self esteem. She is very up and down, with her self-image and bouts of self-deprecation. I would say that she has an episode of either one (or both) maybe 5 or 6 days out of the week. She gets down on herself because she thinks she looks fat, or she doesn't think she'll amount to anything, or she hasn't decided what she wants to do career-wise, or she has one zit on her face that you can't even see with a microscope.

What I'm doing about it:
- I tell her very often how much I love her. I tell her in different ways. I tell her how I think about her during the day. We buy something from the grocery store, and I take her through a detour in the candy aisle to buy something she likes, just because.
- I tell her how beautiful she is, that she's slim and gorgeous (she's tall and slender, and her body fat is like.. if she leans back you can make out her floating ribs. It's all in her head!) I talk to her about how great she looks, how her hair is awesome, she has great lips and such a cute face. She's a knockout.. she just has trouble seeing it. She will eventually smile, get kind of giddy, and be like "okay :)"

2) We're both young.. what does that mean? I know that back in the "good old days," two people could spend their whole lives together, but my parents are divorced. Everyone's divorced. Some people have relationships in their twenties that last 3 years and then fizzle out. How can I prevent that? Is it even worth stressing over? My common sense tells me I should just live for the moment, be thankful day by day, and other stuff like that.. but if we ever end up apart, that stuff won't be enough.

3) She's exactly like the girlfriend here. That guy strikes me as kind of full of himself. I am not. I just love my girlfriend very much and want her to think us as equals, because I do. Honestly I think my girlfriend is hotter than I am by a pretty healthy margin.. but she often tells me that I'm so good to her, and so good-looking, and nobody else would ever love her this way if I left her. I mean.. it's really touching, and I know it comes from the heart.. but with that, obviously, she is missing some sense of self-worth.. you know?

TL;DR: I am happy with my girlfriend, she's happy with me. In the long term, am I doing things right? What should I do? What can I do? I somehow landed the woman of my dreams - how can I be perfect for her?

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.. I'll be checking back a lot so feel free to ask questions if you want.

Backup girlfriend/boyfriend ok?

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 10:48:18 -0800

Is it moral to have a backup girlfriend or boyfriend and telling that backup of your plan? A friend an I got in an argument over this and I was wondering if I was in the wrong. I said that if you are in a relationship, having a backup girlfriend or boyfriend was "maybe" ok if you don't tell anyone about it, but once you tell that backup of your plan you are being very wrong and causing a great disservice to your current girlfriend/boyfriend. Would it make a difference if the current relationship is one that is in a stage that both partners say "I love you" to each other?

Now I Know How Simone Warne Must Have Felt.

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:30:39 -0800

Is my fiancée cheating on me, or is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? My fiancée and I have been together now for almost three years and by and large we've had a happy, healthy relationship. Sure we've had our problems. I'm more interested in sex than she is and we don't go out as often anymore as we once used to (leading to her telling me on a few occasions that she feels a little bored) but as I said, by and large we've been very, very happy together, and are looking forward to getting married in a year or two and starting the rest of our lives together.

Last Monday, my girl told me she had been asked to go out on a girl's night out with a female friend from work and some of her friends. I will admit, I wasn't thrilled with the idea. I know what guys are like and while I trust her, I don't trust a city-full of drunken guys seeing my sexy lady and trying to hit on her. But I'm sane enough to know I don't control her, and even more sane enough to know that I couldn't very well ban her from going or anything, so all I could do was suck it up and try and make the best of a night at home by myself. Plus, bottom line, I do trust her and had always told her I would always trust her until she gave me a reason not to.

She had told me she was only planning on staying out till midnight but at 5am this morning she crawled into bed, drunk. She told me that only one guy had tried to hit on her, but she had rebuked him and that all she could think of all night was me. She would have had sex with me there and then, she also said, except she was too tired. Given it was 5am and I had hardly slept most of that night out of worrying, I was too tired for it myself so we slept until 11am and then went about our usual Sunday.

And then at 1.30, as we watched a DVD, she got an MMS. She went and grabbed her phone and sat down next to me and we looked at it together. It was an unknown number. She opened the MMS and it was a picture of a toned naked guy, full frontal, with his dick in his hand. And the message along with it read "Northern suburbs. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk."

Naturally my mind started racing. She swears that she didn't do anything wrong but she also admits that this looks very, very suspicious. Although I'm inclined to believe her (she has never given me a reason not to trust her), I think she may have, in her drunken state, accidentally given a guy her number last night which led to this MMS. She started to cry and claims that not even that happened, and again I am inclined to believe that, but I'm not sure.

At any rate, she deleted the MMS straight away, so unless he writes back, we can't really test any of these theories by writing back to him. For her part, she has said that if he does write back, she will write back to him, in front of me, that he has the wrong number.

The only other theory I can come up with is that maybe some dude was chatting online to some chick, and she gave him her number while asking "where do you live?" In response, he sent her this picture of himself with the attached message. This theory does make some sense as 'Northern Suburbs' is usually a reference to the northern suburbs of Sydney. In Brisbane, where we live, we don't call our northern suburbs the Northern Suburbs. We call it the northside. So basically, if she had been cheating on me, and this dude was from Brisbane, he would have more likely written Northside. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk." It's not much of a theory, I'll grant you, but it's a theory nevertheless.

I should also mention that in the limited time I've had to think about this, I have realised that if she hadn't gone out last night and we had still gotten this message, I would never have even suspected for a second that she was cheating on me or otherwise. But in the light of the fact that she did go out for a drunken night on the town with hordes of lecherous guys on the prowl all around her, my mind can't help but put A and B together...

So Metafilter, what's your take on this? Is my fiancée cheating on me? Or do you think she accidentally and innocently gave out her number and doesn't remember it? Is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? Or is it something else I may not even have considered.

Over to you...

Boyfriend comments on bodies of other women -- makes me feel like crap

notcomputersavvy06 — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 22:13:29 -0800

Why would guy I'm seeing continually bring up the level of attractiveness of former flames and why does it make me feel like sh*t? I'm in a casual relationship with this guy but we've been monogamous and gone out enough that we've referred to each other as girlfriend/boyfriend. We get along well and enjoy one another's intelligence and sense of humor. However, he will occasionally talk about the hot bod(ies) of his former love(s) or how going to the beach or pool is the best place to check out the great looking women proliferate in this area. I'm no slouch in the attractiveness area but when he makes these kind of comments, I feel like a big zero. Yes, I've told him (although not how much it bothers me) and he has basically dismissed my concerns saying all straight men check out women's bodies he's just not afraid to say it out loud. Even more disturbing, he recently described a good friend's new girlfriend to me and told me how, although she was our age (late 30s), she had a model's body and face. Then, at several other points in the conversation, he referred to her as "very attractive," "extremely attractive," and "disgustingly attractive." I couldn't help myself; I asked him how he described me to his friends. His response, "Thin, athletic, attractive, smart as a whip." All very nice, but, due to our prior conversation, I noticed the absence of "very" or any other descriptive word in front of the attractive. When I called him on it (yes, I ashamed to admit it, but I did), he just said, "(My name) ... . Please."

So, my list of questions: 1) Why do I give a damn what he thinks about my looks in comparison to another woman? Why can't I just reassure myself with the "he's coming home with me mantra"? ; 2) Why would a guy who seemingly puts looks at the top of his list of "must haves" in a girlfriend, continue to go out with a woman he doesn't consider to be at the top level; 3) If I decide to continue going out with him, is there a way I can unemotionally explain my discomfiture regarding his comments without coming off as completely insecure (or am I completely insecure)? Any personal anecdotes similar to this experience would be greatly appreciated.

Can I get him back?

Anonymous — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 18:28:06 -0800

Very touchy situation with my ex almost but not quite boyfriend. Any and all insight appreciated. [I am asking this for my friend who is just joining metafilter and doesn't have asking priviledges yet. Thanks!]

At the beginning of this year, I met and started dating a wonderful awesome guy. Everything was peachy and good until I messed it all up.

After a few months of seeing eachother, he made the very reasonable request to be exclusive with eachother. And I, partially out of selfishness and partially because of old wounds, told him no but said we should keep on dating with a "we'll see." He literally cried when I told him that but agreed to keep seeing me.

About a month after that talk he decided to break up with me because of my failure to commit. As soon as I knew he meant business and was ready to leave me for good I saw the mistake I had made and threw myself at his feet and told him I would commit and be everything I should have been from the start.

No dice. He told me that the talk where I callously refused him had cut him deeper than anything on earth and his feelings for me had been dying ever since.

So we both walked.

It became apparent through several channels (mutual friends, his myspace profile) that he was immediately throwing himself headfirst straight into a relationship with another woman.

I resolved to just let it go until I got a text from him roughly seven days after the official "it's over" talk. He was chatty and we texted for an hour or so, and we ended up making plans to grab lunch together. (I suggested it and he agreed very enthusiastically) This lunch is coming up in the near future.

I'd still like to have him back if I can, and this gives me a glimmer of hope.

From a guys perspective, how likely is it you'd text your ex and agree to meet for lunch if you were supposedly all into some new woman?

How can I best feel him out and maximize my chances of winning him back?

I guess I would just like some advice and insights into this from all perspectives as much as possible. Am I reading too much into it?

Is sex not always, or nearly always, really good for men while they're in a relationship?

trampesque — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 03:51:36 -0800

Is sex not always, or nearly always, really good for men while they're in a relationship? Warning: Severely naive question I am very naive about what MEN think about sex. Primarily my boyfriend. Mainly because I was a virgin until 5 months ago. It's not that I can't ask him about this, it's just that... this particular question might make me come across like "tell me I'm better than everyone you've been with in the past", and I hate how that sounds.

My boyfriend seems to be competely blown away, repeatedly and constantly, at how amazing sex is with me. He comments on it a lot, seems amazed how it "keeps getting better", we have it a lot (ranging between 6 and 12 times a week, every week), and he is clearly, definitely, very very satisfied. Every single time.

So I'm not complaining or worried about that - what I am wondering is, is sex really not always amazing for men? He has said several times this is "the best he's ever had" (I'm unaware of how many girls he has slept with but I know it was at least 3 before me) but, naively, I always assumed that men always have a fantastic time in bed with their girlfriends. Otherwise... surely they wouldn't be with them. Is this really not the case? I always figured that if people are in a long-term relationship (like his 5-year one prior to me), they get better at sex, because they have longer to practise, get to know each other, etc. So how can our half-year relationship compare sexually to his five-year one? Has he really, like he seems to think, stumbled across something fantastic, or is it just because he's with ME currently that he feels that way about OUR sex life?

I know, I KNOW, this sounds ridiculously stupid and naive, and that's because that is what I am, regarding this subject. I just really would like to know. Sorry if it's a totally ridiculous query.

ALSO: I am aware that at some point the crazy sex-craze will die down, as it does in all relationships (or, at least, that's what I would assume. Though I certainly have no plans to start cutting back on our sex life, because I absolutely love it.) So I don't need advice about how we're still in the honeymoon period. Thanks

How can I be a good boyfriend?

awesomebrad — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 14:58:29 -0800

How can I be a good boyfriend? Or girlfriend, for you ladies out there finding this question in search of advice.

I ask partly because I find myself in a new relationship and am inexperienced in such things, and partly because I'm curious to see what some of the answers are going to be.

I'm looking for everything from general advice for healthy relationships to anecdotes about that one thing your significant other did that you still remember as amazing even though you've broken up with them long ago. Really just the first thing that pops into your head.

Thanks everyone in advance - I hope you all have a little fun with this as well!

Drop that zero and get with the hero

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Oct 2005 17:22:00 -0800

If the woman of my affections has been dating some other guy for a year -- a relationship she has said is "not that serious," in frequent playful e-mails to me -- what strategy is smarter? Stay in a queue until she becomes available? Ask what's up? Steal her away? Can anyone share successful or unsuccessful ploys to turn the other guy into the Baxter, when the woman involved is a pretty neat friend you'd like to avoid losing? Background for this specific situation:

I met her a year ago, in an online dating forum. When we met, she dropped this "there's this other guy" bomb on me, yet wanted to keep in touch. I really did try to avoid the stupidity of swooning over someone who isn't single. Only she just wouldn't stop e-mailing me, so I finally relented and got back in touch. Now I've become addicted to her sweetness, just as I feared.

lying to your girlfriend's parents?

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Jul 2005 19:12:54 -0800

Lying to your girlfriend's parents...yay or nay? The time is fast approaching where I will have to attend a dinner with my girlfriend's parents and be grilled with questions with unpleasant answers, such as religion (I'm an atheist, they most certainly are not), age (there is some considerable difference between us), and my home life (NOT GOIN' THERE) and who knows what else.

My question is, would it be best to just tell them what they want to hear now, until such time where my answers won't matter, or just come clean now and risk making the relationship, and our own personal lives, all the more difficult to maintain?

Help me buy lingerie for my girlfriend!

plemeljr — Tue, 30 Dec 2003 09:28:11 -0800

Help me buy lingerie for my girlfriend! [more inside] OK, so like any repressed American Male who wishes to buy his girlfriend some lingerie for her to be sexy in, I am looking for some advice. I know what I like, and I know what she would like, the problem is where to buy it. I specifically didn’t buy her any lingerie for Christmas, because it is really as much a gift to me than it is to her [or more so]. Victorias Secret is well known, but the fabrics aren’t really that great. Really, the optimal situation would be to find a smaller boutique (we live in NYC) and let her have the run of the store to try on lingerie without the bossy VS “helpers” bothering her. But seeing that I do not have the finances to shut a whole store down, does anyone have any better suggestions? I don’t really want to just get a gift card [too impersonal] so I think I just need to suck it up and find a nice boutique. Preferably in Manhattan somewhere.