Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and friendships

Help settle a debate about a friend who ALWAYS flakes.

smersh — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 14:19:50 -0800

Friend Ay always looks forward to meeting Friend Bee. But Friend Bee changes her plans at the last minute at least 25% of the time. THIS time, however, Friend Ay was leaving to a different city to be with his ill grandfather. It may be a 4 day trip if the grandfather got better, and an unknown length of time had he passed away. Ay/Bee made a plan to meet up the night before Ay's flight. Bee didn't inform Ay that she was canceling the plan. They did not meet. Ay was livid. This had happened far too frequently, and the uncertainty of the duration of the trip made it all the worse. Bee profusely apologized; she realized the least she could have done is call and tell him. Upon Ay's return, he met up with some other friends and saved up some time for Bee to meet him afterward. But Bee had already made tentative plans with someone else, a coworker she sees every day. Ay INSISTED that Bee cancel her plans with Cee; they'll see each other again tomorrow at work anyway and can resume their fun on any other night. Bee responded by saying that she can't cancel fixed plans with someone else, even though that was exactly what she had done to Ay earlier in the week. Bee canceled on Ay, but would not cancel on Cee, even though Ay really wanted to talk. To add more to this story, Ay is leaving the country in 28 days. Perhaps for good. It is very likely that Ay and Bee will never meet again. Cee, on the other hand, sees Bee on a daily basis. They work together and will continue to meet up whenever they please. None of these three people are romantically involved.

Bee claims that Ay's last 28 days are of the utmost importance to her. Yet she has bailed on him one occasion, and refused to move a plan for the day of Ay's return for a man she can hang out with whenever she'd like. Ay stopped speaking to Bee, calling her selfish and stating that she has never made a gesture where his plans took priority. It always feels to Ay as though he's the back-up plan.

Was Ay right to ask for Cee's plans to be canceled, since Bee had no qualms about canceling Ay's plan in the first place?

If Bee's claims that Ay's final days truly are important to her, should she have rescheduled Cee?

Four nights have past; Ay and Bee have yet to meet, and Ay is only angrily texting her, telling her that he needs a gesture to prove the friendship isn't always on Bee's terms. Till date, Bee has not shown up to his doorstep (they live 7 minutes walking distance from each other) and does not believe a grand gesture is needed among friends. Ay's house is open to her 24/7, and she barely texts back when Ay gets heated and upset in their exchanges. In their last exchange, Bee switched off her phone intentionally.

Are Ay's requests of a grand gesture warranted, given the repetitive history of flakeouts? Is Bee possibly right in some way?

What is the best solution to this problem now that Ay doesn't believe she'll ever meet him on his terms? Give up the friendship and live on for the next 28 days? Figure out Bee's side of the puzzle?

What are the next steps?

Hooking Up with Friends - An Beginner's Primer

wolfdreams01 — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 13:46:56 -0800

I have a lot of female friends. Lately, a number of them have begun giving me romantic vibes. I have never dated a friend in my entire life - I have often become friends with people I dated, but never the other way around. How do I pursue this type of thing? (Snowflake details inside.) I should start by telling you that romantically, I'm generally as cold as ice. Usually when I date, I don't have any feelings at all for the other person for the first couple of weeks. After I have been sleeping with somebody for a month, I either start developing romantic feelings for them (and ask them to go exclusive) or realize that it just isn't working, and break up.

Obviously, this is not the kind of thing that tends to thrill women, so over time I've become pretty good at faking emotion until the real thing kicks in. I never actually lie or tell people something untrue: instead I simply do lots of nice things for them and steer away from direct questioning about my feelings. This is probably slightly dishonest, but I think people like me have as much right to be loved as anybody else, and that is the most effective way to make it happen. This methodology works really well for me, so please understand that without more efficient alternatives, I'm not interested in changing it.

As a direct consequence of the way my emotions work, I never date friends, because basically there is no way for me to feel romantic attraction without doing the FWB benefits thing first - and there is no guarantee that the feelings will even kick in. Therefore, hooking up with friends who would be crushed by a breakup is a good way to simply lose friends, and therefore not very productive.

However, I have several friends lately who have been showing signs of interest - and more significantly, these are friends whom I think might be level-headed enough that they wouldn't be crushed by if we had to break up. By "signs of interest" I mean things like:

A) Sleeping overnight (sharing my bed) regularly whenever we hang out late,
B) Asking me to teach them what BDSM is about (by tying them up and flogging them),
C) Topless back massages,
D) Expressing repeatedly that they have "never had a boyfriend as thoughtful and considerate" or "as sensual" as me,
E) Kissing me on the lips every time they get drunk, but pulling back quickly before I can respond.

Obviously, some of this is stuff that can be ambiguously interpreted, but other stuff seems like a strong statement of intent. I don't have any difficulty finding the courage to make a move on strangers when stuff like this happens, since strangers are totally replaceable and it doesn't really matter to me if I misinterpret something and offend them accidentally. With friends, the stakes are higher, since if I screw up while making a pass at them, it could really ruin the friendship - for example, I recently had a "kissy" friend call me up in tears and curse me out because I propositioned her for a FWB-type deal, and I guess she had romantic feelings for me instead. Negative experiences like that have made me over-analyze and generally become very hesitant to act when it comes to my friendships - I don't think I would ever make a move on a friend without having a strong certainty of success.

What I am looking for here is help with the following:

A) Distinguishing which signs of interest are friendly, which are sexual, and which are romantic (so that I know which to avoid and which to follow up on).

B) Determining the best way to follow up on these signs of interest. Please don't say "Ask them on a date." When I do that, they think I am interested in a romantic relationship, and (as mentioned) that does not end well. What I am looking for is ways to hook up with them with no strings attached, but with the possibility of turning it into a romantic relationship later.

I AM NOT YOUR OWL

divabat — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 10:35:25 -0800

I am tired of being the owl for my friends and family. How do I get them to talk to *each other* instead of *me*? So for many years now I end up being the owl between my friends: if my friends have some issue with another mutual friend, they both tell me about it - often with a wish that the other person would know. This has happened with ex-partners, current partners, friends warring with each other, friends who aren't warring with each other but think the other person hates them...all sorts of configurations.

My family is especially prone to this. If my parents have a beef with one of us sisters (there's two), they tell the *other* sister and then the relevant party doesn't hear of it till a long time later. Lately the parents are gossiping about each other to me.

One time this blow-up got to absurd proportions when some random distant auntie took offense to a photo I posted on Facebook...but instead of telling me, they told my parents (who hadn't seen the photo and got told an exaggerated version of what the photo actually is), who then bugged my sister, who then bugged me blaming *me* for pushing the photo onto the parents and causing everyone a headache. It took a lot of hunting and another distant relative to tell me the whole convoluted chain of events - which could have been resolved if someone had talked to *me* the first time.

Currently I am dealing with owling between two friends who are really into each other, *know* that the other party is interested...yet for some reason have not explicitly done anything about it. Instead they're way more explicit to *me* about their intentions, as though it's *me* they're trying to pick up. I've not-so-subtly hinted to each other that hey, Other Party IS keen, you have to be as explicit to them as you have to me - and they've both been like "oh noes they will think I am pressuring them etc etc". When really they are not feeling pressured, they are actually responding to each other's qualms and interests...without actually talking to *each other*.

It gets especially worse when there's an expectation to take sides. Oftentimes I hear multiple perspectives of a situation and *everyone* thinks they're 100% in the right and the other person must obviously be wrong. It's rare that there is someone who did clearly fuck up - and even then I see the fucker-upper try to make amends, but they're directing it more towards me than to the other person.

I'm honoured that they trust me enough to be honest with me about it, but I feel like a lot of anxiety would be relieved if they talked to the relevant person about it rather than me.

Is there any good way to go "I AM NOT AN OWL!" without alienating either party? I have been that direct with them before but they don't seem to listen. I don't want to go "you cannot talk to me EVAR" either, but a lot of it gets repetitive and frankly boring. (Sometimes they whine that nothing has changed ages later, and I'm like "well if you two talked to each other there would have been hope of something working out...") I'm at the verge of getting snarky with people, but honestly I'd rather they get mad at me if it means I can stop owling.

How To Use this Big Change/Trip in My Life To Practise Social Skills/Build More Intimate Relationships?

rhythm_queen — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 12:21:41 -0800

I'm a 20 year old girl who has had little experience with real romantic relationships. I also have trouble with friendships---though I am super extroverted and can mix and mingle in parties with ease, creating sustainable friendships is very difficult for me. I'll be going on exchange in France for 5-6 months in January. I'd like to practise and build intimate friendships and romantic relationships (short-term, but meaningful!) when I'm there, and try to get a handle on WHY I usually have trouble. How can I do this? More deets inside. I've decided to include a link to my OKCupid (Yes....done the online dating thing for a while now...) to my question.
Here.

I think if you were to see my profile, you may get an idea of what sort of person I am, what my interests are, etc. I've met a lot of guys, mostly mediocre experiences (some have led to be good friends!)but no solid connections.

I have heard all my life that I am an overly "intense" person, too emotional, way too energetic and outgoing, almost exhausting to be around. I'm also really talkative and have a lot to say. I'm really expressive.

All of this can be very annoying to people, including potential dates, so I've worked on it. I've become a LOT better at sustaining conversation--though I know at times, especially when I am nervous, it's hard for others to get a word in edgewise (this is horrible to admit)--I've become better at listening, understanding the energy of the other person, become a lot less annoying/anxious, and have also started to realize that NOT everyone will like me/want to hear me out/hangout with me. I don't have to try and force everyone to like me, which I think is part of why I behave the way I do.

However, I still have a lot of difficulty. I've NEVER had a best friend. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances and I always end up meeting new people, but these friendships are on-the-surface and not intimate. What I crave is an intimate friendship. And hopefully, an intimate relationship. I don't know what is wrong with me, but a lot of people stay at the "good friends, but not BEST friends" zone. I feel as though most people can only take me in small doses. :(

I've had one real, serious boyfriend. I was 16, and he was great, but as you can imagine, I've changed a lot since then. And it was almost a fluke that I found someone who could handle my weirdness! Unless I change, not sure if it will happen again.

Often I will hang out with people, and it'll be fun, but I am left feeling empty--as if I have given so much of myself, and they haven't given me any at all. And also, that I overexerted myself/made a slight fool out of myself. It's very offputting.

I'll be going on exchange to Lille, France in January. I am very excited! Preparing to study/work/travel/socialize/everything in France is terribly exciting and I totally can't wait! Ahh, a taste of freedom. It feels like a clean slate : it'll also be an opportunity for me to break the "MEET LOTS OF PEOPLE, HANG OUT ONCE OR TWICE, MEET OTHER PEOPLE, HANG OUT ONCE OR TWICE" pattern I've been building up. I want to create a reputation that isn't "Yeah, she's cool/okay/fun" but also "she's a great friend", something more meaningful to people.

I know I probably shouldn't be dating with any real seriousness, but I want to try honing my dating skills. I have gone on a lot of first dates that have not worked out. I'm just so anxious and way too talkative and energetic on first dates. How do I calm myself? Should I keep an OKC profile in France? And in general, how can I tweak/better my profile/photos/etc? :) Lots of my friends have found relationships online, and I'm not embarrassed by my profile at all.

In short, how can I make this exchange trip to France one which will help to IMPROVE my social skills and help me build more intimate friendships/relationships? Do you have any other advice at all?

Thank you so much!

Thrown away

girlmightlive — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 05:16:30 -0800

My ex-lover and "best friend" blocked me on Facebook and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Of course this is about much more than Facebook.

Earlier this year I started sleeping with a friend of mine (We are both in our late twenties). We slept together for several months, hung out as friends, and became close, though we weren't exclusive.

Towards the end of summer a girl he had been interested in for a while broke up with her boyfriend and my friend decided he wanted to see her exclusively. I was, of course, disappointed that we were ending our sexual relationship and things were a bit awkward for awhile. I didn't know how to act around him. One day, when I knew I was going to see him later that night at a party, I wrote a card to him saying that I couldn't pretend I wasn't still attracted to him, but I didn't want to get in the way of his new relationship, that I loved him and I wanted him to be happy. He read it and he gave me a big hug and things seemed good between us.

But things weren't good with his new girlfriend. He would call me, text me, and come over to my apartment to ask advice on how to deal with their issues. I would give him my best advice, and he would thank me enthusiastically. He would say he couldn't confide in her the way he could with me, that I didn't judge him, that he loved me and I was his best friend.

He told me he told his new girlfriend about our relationship. He also told me that she found the card I wrote him and got upset about me.

One night he texted me about the three of us hanging out. I responded but he never responded back. Later he told me that that's because his girlfriend got mad at him for texting me.

His girlfriend is working overseas for a couple months. My friend and I hung out one night and he said he didn't trust her and thought he should break up with her. Again, I gave him my best advice. Later that night we had sex. I told him it wasn't a good idea but we did it anyway.

One evening I was hanging out with him and two mutual friends. Someone, not me, brought it up that I was feeling jerked around and confused by him. My friend demanded we talk about this even though I told him it was not the time or place (we were in public and had been drinking). He said he made a huge mistake sleeping with me that last time and that he loved his girlfriend. Eventually, I told him that I was worried that when his girlfriend came back to town I wouldn't see him anymore, that we wouldn't be friends. He promised me that we would still be friends. He told me he would break up with his girlfriend if he could no longer be friends with me.

Things got teary and awkward, but when we parted that night I thought we were on decent terms and could possibly revisit things when we were in a better, sober state of mind. I still wanted to tell him that if he wanted to actually be friends he needed to treat me better, match his actions with his words, and figured we could have that conversation another day.

The next day, he blocked me on Facebook.

I realize that he probably just doesn't want to deal with it anymore, but not knowing for sure is driving me crazy. I want to contact him but I know that's not a good idea. We have lots of mutual friends and live two blocks away from each other. (I hang out with his roommate as well, who refuses to talk to me about any of this.) I'm worried about how to act if we run into each other. I wonder every day if I'm going to hear from him. I go from being extremely pissed off at him to missing him.

I'm trying to keep busy and exercise, but I would like some perspective on how to deal with the uncertainty of everything, or things I should be telling myself. He's treated me like a used tissue, I know that, but it's still hard. Thanks for any advice you can give.

Alone after an obsessive relationship, having trouble making friends in a sea of the elderly...

orchidgenes — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 10:40:21 -0800

How do I make friends in an unfriendly place for young folks (18-20), and how can I make him believe that I've made changes to myself? I have a very obsessive brain, especially when it comes to love. Even before I started dating my (now ex) boyfriend, I was obsessed with love stories and fantasizing about love. I think this might be a good thing somewhere along the line, since I'm hoping to be a writer later in life. Now, however, it's a giant issue.

My boyfriend broke up for me for this reason (though he just said "i don't want to be in a relationship in general", which I don't quite believe after knowing him for 3 years, because I could tell he didn't want me to think I was the cause). I'm a freshman in college, and he's a sophomore. He kept all his friends from high school since they all stayed in our hometown. We both go to the same school, a community college. I'm transferring to a larger college next year, but for now... I'm in hell.

In this quite obsessive relationship, I let him in completely and didn't get close to anyone else for most of my high school years. I kept one friend, who resides about 200 miles away now. This particular community college we go to is full of single parents and people too busy working to make friends. My ex doesn't realize this, since all his friends are from high school, where everyone is out to make friends.

I've been trying extremely hard these past couple months to make strides and gain friendships from my classes, but nobody is really interested and it's discouraging. I feel like I have nothing to do. I tried looking for meet-ups, but I live in Florida. This is an issue.

As everyone knows, Florida is a retirement home. Especially where I live, close to beaches, there are more bored old people looking for fun. I don't mind older people, but they're not what I'm looking for, friend-wise. I'm so frustrated because I feel like I can't move forward because all my options are closed off to me.

Also, while I'm here, I'd like to ask you all for your advice on one more thing. I've been making huge improvements to myself in terms of independence and self-worth. I really believe I'm a different person than who was in that relationship, and I think if I were to be back in it, the relationship could really flourish. However, there's no way for me to tell my ex this.

I was completely clingy and afraid of him leaving while I was in the relationship, and right after the breakup I did a lot of begging. This hurts my chances of him taking me seriously when I tell him that I have truly changed. I feel stronger now, I've taken a rational look at our situation, and my opinions on what makes a successful relationship have changed drastically, especially regarding independence. I'm currently in therapy for my issues with my anxious and obsessive tendencies and I'm getting stronger every day.

I really would like to talk to him about it, but I don't know how to do this without him automatically thinking "she's lying and trying to get me back because she needs me."

Our relationship was really a good one, and if I picture it without my constant jealousy and anxiety, it could honestly be wonderful. I just need some way to convince him that I'm not lying and that I can really make some important changes if he gave me the chance to.

So, what do you think? How to make friends in an unfriendly place for young folks (18-20), and how to make him believe that I've made changes to myself...?

True friendship sometimes means letting go

renovatio1 — Sun, 27 May 2012 20:02:41 -0800

Tell me about situations where you've reluctantly cut off contact with a close friend, family member, or confidant -- especially those in which the relationship was good to you but you felt that letting go was the best move for *their* sake. I once read something along the lines: "a true friendship sometimes requires letting your friend hit rock bottom".

When is this ever truly the case? Do you have any anecdotes of this from your own experience or that you've heard about in the context of close friends, family, or other significant relationships? How did you feel about it at the time and what happened in the long run?

...

My own story: I have a very close friend who has been my one real confidant for many years. I've learned a lot from him, we've helped each other through thick and thin, and I very much value his friendship and wish him only the best.

However, we both agree that he's made some very stupid choices in recent years whose consequences he will have to face sooner or later. He's been trying to deal with the situation for quite a while now; I've done just about everything I can to help short of getting involved in a way that would place those consequences on me as well -- something he of course would not want.

His main problem seems to be that he leans on his friends as a way of avoiding the actions that he inevitably must take. He knows this, and we've discussed it at length, but nothing so far tried seems to help him get past the problem.

I've thought a great deal about the situation and I've come to the conclusion that the best thing I can do for him is cut off all interaction -- at least for as long as it takes him to really get past this difficulty. It was very hard for me to make this decision; I even discussed it with him well in advance and he agreed that it would probably be a good thing. Nonetheless, I can't stop thinking that in the long run -- even if, hopefully, things work out -- he will see this in retrospect as my having betrayed him.

Old feuds, new friends, ultimatums and a sticky social situation. How do I navigate this stupid fight that precedes me?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 May 2012 12:00:18 -0800

Old feuds, new friends, ultimatums and a sticky social situation. How do I navigate this stupid fight that precedes me? Asking anonymously so as not to further fan the flames.

Friend A and Friend B have a long-standing, convoluted feud involving multiple groups of people (Friend A's side and Friend B's side) that is so old and convoluted that it no longer makes sense. I don't even really know the root of the feud - whatever is was happened years before I knew any of these people.

Friend A is a pretty close acquaintance — we hang out as a pair of couples, having dinner, sharing beer, doing outdoorsy type things, pretty regularly. Friend B is someone I barely know but have spent time with socially. Both A and B are about 10 years older than me.

My SO and I made loose plans with A for an upcoming weekend. My exact wording was "we may be going out of town but if we don't, let's do this." It turns out we ARE going out of town. To spend time at B's property. I told this to Friend A yesterday afternoon.

Last night I got an email from A asking me to reconsider, adding that my decision to go to B's would be a"bridge-burner." A is not the kind of person who apologizes, admits wrongdoing or backs down from an opinion.

So WTF am I supposed to do here? Allow myself to be bullied into spending time with A? I am also friends with A's SO and would be sad to lose both friendships, but I just can't believe grown adults are letting this bullshit get in the way of perfectly good relationships. On the other hand, I am not great friends with B. Uhg. I am so confused by this stupidity.

Connect the dots (or, people..)

myShanon — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 11:31:09 -0800

How do you connect with people? How do you reach out to someone you're interested in getting to know better to let them know you're interested in them as a person (with or without romantic potential). I suffer from a bit of social anxiety and shyness so I tend to feel extremely awkward in approaching opportunities for one-on-one interaction. I've spent the last 15 years or so wandering my way through a series of ready-made social circles. Stepping into a new partner's group of friends, walking into a gaming group or local alternative community, etc. I've relied on those groups to provide me with acquaintances which might develop into friendships. I move around a lot, so this has been the easiest, most efficient way to meet lots of people in new cities. The problem is, group dynamics tend to be about the group, its particular cliques and internal dramas...

It doesn't always lend to individual one-on-one interactions, and actually connecting with another member of the group is more the matter of luck than anything else.

Most of my friendships are superficial, people who I see in group settings and get along with, but rarely talk to as individuals unless they need something from me. I tend to become the advice column / sounding board for those who need to talk, but never have anyone to turn to when I need someone.

When I move away, even those who cling and cry about my leaving quickly stop responding to my attempts to keep in touch, and going back to visit is like walking in as a stranger again. They've already forgotten me, or enmities have popped up somehow in my absence.

This carries over into my relationships, as I tend to be a very ah... impulsive type of person, diving head first into new relationships because I don't want to lose the heat and passion of infatuation. Becoming intimate so quickly usually bypasses a lot of the "getting to know you" stuff... and later when passion begins to settle, I find myself trapped with someone I barely know and don't know how to talk to. The relationship quickly disintegrates as they feel bitter over my "sudden" desire for communication instead of intimacy.

I've followed the same pattern so many times I could walk this maze backward with my eyes shut and still end up at the same destination as always.

In 6 months or so I'm moving out of state, to a place where I don't know anyone. I'm fantasizing about this being a real chance to start over, break pattern and re-lean how to interact with people on an individual basic. Maybe even learn to connect and develop meaningful friendships/relationships... and if that also leads to future romantic relationships being more about what we have in common than how we get on in the bedroom, that'd be awesome too.

My current plan involves taking my puppy for lots of long walks, reading a lot of books, taking plenty of time for self examination to see where I can improve. I want to take the opportunity for a complete change toward the better, leaving most of my self destructive habits behind. I'll read in the park and talk to anyone who strikes up a conversation... avoid the party and bar scene and other situations that will lead me back to the same type of people who have encouraged my bad habits in the past...

I've got the "bettering myself" plan worked out..

I still have no clue how to actually connect with people, or meet people without relying on some kind of social group... I'm not looking to date so would prefer not to involve dating sites and such. I know I can just walk up to interesting looking people and say hello, but... what to say or how to not seem creepy?

Or I could just ramble at people in real life the way I do online, and if they think its cute maybe they won't run away :)

Typical mid-20's crap.

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 21:14:03 -0800

I feel unbelievably shitty after a close friend hurt my feelings. I don't know what to do. I'm a guy, friend is a girl. We've been friends for over a decade. We've slept together twice. The first time, a few months ago, she expressed wanting to just stay friends because she had just gotten out of a serious relationship. The second time, about 3 weeks ago - initiated completely by her - we did not discuss afterward because it ended very embarrassingly and neither of us wanted to talk about it. Both of these times were after a drunken night out.

Cut to a few nights ago. She invited me to a drunken night out. I stupidly set expectations that, with this recent development of hooking up on drunken nights out, and activities that took place only a few weeks ago, I had a shot.

She began heavily flirting with another person in our group who was unavailable (had a girlfriend). It became painful for me to watch after their flirting turned very physical. My jealousy boiled over and I pulled her aside and asked her "are you seriously doing this?" She told me to leave her alone. I told her then I'm going home, that she can do whatever she wants but I don't need to see this. She told me to calm down, that he has a girlfriend and I'm overreacting and need to stop worrying. I stayed out. She proceeded to go back to him, make out, went home with him, etc. Basically I was just in her way cock-blocking her.

It feels so awful and I'm not quite sure what to do. The only thing she technically did "wrong" I suppose was facilitate this guy cheating on his girlfriend. But every other bit of hurt that I feel seems to have been brought on by myself, by a lack of communicating to her how I really felt.

I guess I feel angry that by expressing my jealousy to her that night I was, essentially, letting her know my feelings (no matter how bad the timing) - and she lied to reassure me so she could continue what she was doing anyway. I also feel extremely rejected and unwanted that she was SO uninterested in going home with me that she'd rather go with a guy who was not even available. On top of that, I feel hurt by how callous she was about going about all of this right in front of me, even though one of the last times we saw each other was extremely intimate.

I just don't know what to do. How angry do I get to be? Part of me wants to just stop talking to her because I just can't face someone who made me hurt this much. Is it wrong to feel this way? How am I supposed to continue staying friends with someone who made me feel this hurt?

I have no idea how to summarize this.

Conspire — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 19:19:13 -0800

Help me interpret my situation and figure out the practical implications of the social advice/philosophies that my friends have been giving me about it. (Warning: a super long and arguably dramatic story awaits you.) So for the past year, I have been feeling rather dissatisfied with my social interactions with others. Entering a university right across the country for the first time last year (I'm now in second year), I had some fairly high expectations of the connections that I would be able to make. I was told that universities were chock-full of intelligent people who would share your interests; that the friendships that you made during university would be life-long, some of the strongest ones you would ever have; that you would be able to meet people who fully enjoyed and accepted you for who you were. You know. All of the typical "university is a great place to build connections" repertoire from older friends and family.

Sparkly-eyed by all of the idealistic talk, I made a commitment to myself to step up my efforts to get to know people - a pretty big leap for me, someone who had, l throughout the earlier stages of my academic procession, very rarely shown any interest in others at all! This aspect of me was actually pretty severe: to the point that some of my teachers even suspected that I was autistic and shuttled me off to a psychologist to get tested in grade 7. (If you're curious: the psychologist did eventually diagnose me with Asperger's Syndrome, but I never paid much heed to it simply because even at a younger age, I was still highly conscious of the absurdity of the testing. One of the memories I still have of the testing was a question where the therapist asked me to pick two objects out of a list that were the most similar - although I knew the "correct" answer would be "Fish and Fin", I chose "Fish and Spider" because I thought it would be more reasonable on a taxonomical classification since I was dealing with someone with a PhD. The psychologist simply shook his head disapprovingly, muttered to himself as he scrawled down notes on his pad, and I had to purse my lips to avoid giving a snarky comment on how patronizing he was being. Even now, while I reflect back on it: while certain aspects of the diagnosis do ring true, other aspects do not. The diagnosis has always struck me as a form of therapeutic cold-reading: by presenting itself as an array of symptoms that could be considered as personality traits, it offers reassurance to those feeling out of the norm. Consequentially, I've always had a disdain for it. But I digress.)

To me - or at least the me who was starting university - I always thought that my lack of social interest wasn't as much caused by ineptitude as it had been just a lack of resonance between myself and others. My interests never matched up with any of my schoolmates or peers when I was younger; and beyond that, I had a pretty bad habit of looking down on them as well. I was always extremely goal-orientated, something that still persists to today. Part of the reason why would have been due to my severe hearing loss: while I could certainly still communicate verbally with others with no problem, to do so would require a tremendous concentration on my behalf since I would have to drop everything and focus 100% on the person in order to speechread them properly. As a result, all throughout my earlier schooling life, I always regarded casual interaction as too much of a hassle for too little payout. (Of course, this philosophy has changed much in the past year as I increasingly begin to realize the emotive and mental benefits of socialization and making friends that I had never considered in the past.)

But when I needed to put in the effort to engage people (mostly because I needed them for whatever grand scheme I had going on at that point in life), I would have no problem whatsoever. Many would certainly describe me as overwhelmingly charismatic when I put in the effort to be (again, something that persists today - I have an extreme degree of success as a student politician in thanks to this trait of mines), and I never had any trouble in amassing hordes of people around me to do whatever I wanted to do. I remember running around my elementary school and amassing several hundred signatures from practically every kid in a petition to "end homework" in grade 6. And in high school, I shocked many by raising nearly a thousand dollars for a charity simply by going to the forefront of each class and delivering a smooth salespitch - while other clubs would struggle to raise even a hundred dollars by doing the exact same thing.

And my routine seemingly worked, or at least for the opening throes of university. In particular, I exercised it on my floor in residence last year. Everyone was seemingly caught up in my wave of charisma. I had developed numerous connections and made my acquaintance with a great array of people. I certainly gave damned good first impressions, if anything. But before I could sit down and pat myself on the back for a job well done, I realized that things felt horribly wrong.

While it was hard for me to completely elucidate and express the feelings of wrongness that I had, the physical effects seemed fairly noticeable to me. Everyone's relationships were advancing so fast without me; while they were achieving what seemed like whole new heights of complexity amongst themselves, my relationships with them continued to remain fairly shallow. To give you an example, by November, everyone had already chosen their roommates for next year - and I was just sitting there, boggered by how fast they got to knew each other to make that decision (naturally, I'm living alone off-campus right now.) I was constantly being overlooked - while everyone was running about with each other and inviting everyone else everywhere, I would just sit in my room daily, door propped open, but no one peering inside to engage me in plans at all. And while I was reassured by my suite-mate that it was simply my imagination - occasionally, when I passed groups of my floormates walking by, I would swear that I could see my name being spoken in a malicious light on their lips. Of course, it was absurd - I had done nothing to make them dislike me, and they were still very openly affable to me, but it contributed to my feeling of ostracization.

If I were to put a word upon it now after significant reflection, I would say that I lacked any feeling of community or comradeship with my so-called "friends".

Naturally, I had many very plainspoken conversations with my floor-mates about this issue. They were all very surprised that I was feeling this way. And while they reassured me that it was nothing malicious and that everyone loved me very dearly, the situation simply wouldn't reverse itself. I got the feeling that what was occurring was just something no one could consciously control. Before long, I began isolating myself out of frustration and an acute depression; while at the start of this, people would pound on my door to inquire what was wrong, eventually, they just all left me alone. Eventually, word got to my ears through my suite-mate that the majority of my floor had concluded that I was simply being immature and in my "angsty teen" stage that "everyone went through when they were 13" and that they felt the best solution was just to leave me alone like the spoiled kid I was. I was furious! I felt as if they were being too presumptuous in judging the situation without even comprehending what my true concerns were; and I felt like I was being patronized by them. But I chose to say nothing more to them, being too tired and miserable to want to make them understand.

Those feelings hung over me like a dark cloud throughout the entire year, keeping me in a constant state of melancholy while I was inside the residence (outside of residence was a different issue: even I was unnerved by the stark contrast just caused by locale - I was still pursuing a highly successful platform on student council and overachieving in all my classes). While I tried a few more times to reconnect to my peers under the faint hope that I had erred in my judgment, those feelings of depression paired with (from my point of view) the numerous misconceptions that were hovering all about quickly shut me down.

I'm glad to be out of that situation.

If anything, it left me very hopeless and exhausted about people for a great deal of time. I rationalized to myself that I had been too overconfident in my assessment of myself. I didn't know what was going wrong with my interactions with others, but I attributed it to a lack of experience: because I had avoided friendships when I was younger, I had missed something fundamental, something unspoken. And it terrified me because of the great time stretch it represented. I had unknowingly developed a social stunt that tailed all the way back to elementary school. And here I was, with everyone but me on the same page and continuously progressing in their maturity, with myself stuck all the way at the back. While I was at no loss for casual company at my university (I still had plenty of acquaintances outside of the residence from my classes and extracurricular involvement), I reasoned to myself that because of my ineptitude, I would never be able to develop any true emotional ties with people. That scared me.

But that hopelessness eventually did wind to a halt, and despite my rational objections to it, I've found myself beginning to reach out to others at the beginning of the year again. It was so frustrating. I wished nothing more but to return to my old, self-sufficient personality; and yet, I found myself increasingly wanting to be connected to others. Deeply irritated at my irrationality, but still recognizing that there was nothing that I could do to quench these feelings, I found myself in a juxtaposition of hopefulness at a second fresh start, and despair that I would make the same mistakes again.

I decided the best option would be to confer with two life-long friends in other cities I've had to see what their recommendations were.

One was vastly different from me; she was a girl with an extreme number of connections, highly affable and involved socially, having grown up in a way that I considered "normal" for everyone else - had she not have been the daughter of a family friend of mine's, I would have never had any connections with her, but now, I'm grateful that I remained tied to her, if only out of obligation; I ended up visiting her in her city on a three-day weekend that I had to talk over these things with her, and we had a blast where she introduced me to all of her friends and just had a generally good time. Another, in the States, was fairly similar to me in circumstance and nature, and he described having similar thoughts and problems when I contacted online for one of our routine chats. I gave both an (abridged) rendition of my first year, and asked them for their take on it.

Surprisingly, both gave me very extremely similar themes as to why my social life in university hadn't worked out the way that I wanted it to. They gave me very similar assessments of how I differed from others, and explained why I wasn't getting gratification through the same avenues.

For one, both pointed to how I would squeeze every drop of use out of every conversation that I would have. Both told me that for every single conversation they would have with me, it wouldn't be as much as just "juggling words" like they did with other people (pleasantries, like my first friend described it), but more like keeping up with me (this was the part where I frantically asked my first friend if she felt like I was acting superior to others, but she reassured me that she never felt that way because I was always very patient and willing to wait and listen to other formulate their thoughts). They told me that typical conversations were just empty words - and mine's never were. While they could be serious or casual or fun or philosophical, they would always make people think. I would constantly respond with an opinion, an assessment, just something that would keep it going on a higher level. And both told me that while some people enjoyed that aspect of me (they certainly did, having been friends with me for so long), most people didn't. My second friend cynically told me that most people were selfish, and wished to maintain relationships without much effort on their behalf at all, mental or otherwise.

My first friend also told me that most people preferred to be around people just because they didn't want to be alone, and that wouldn't ever apply to me. She said that for someone as goal-orientated as myself, I would never bother just "hanging out" with people, and she said that was the majority of what most people would do in a friendship - just sitting around and exchanging idle conversation and enjoying not being alone. For someone who always wanted constant movement, I wouldn't be content in a point of perceived stasis - and she told me that was the reason why people wouldn't become as "comfortable" with me as with others.

Beyond that, I think the overarching theme that they had for me was that I was greatly over-exaggerating the depth of relationships that other people had with each other. In spite of all of their perceived closeness from an outside perspective, they were extremely fragile and just based upon mutual selfishness rather than emotional connection like I had assumed. And for someone like me, who wanted to not only constantly receive, but constantly give, that avenue just wouldn't work out. I needed more time and depth for people to get to know me because I just wasn't conventional enough of a person to be subjugated to the typical methods.

While I thanked them for their take on it, I couldn't help but feel that perhaps the way they were seeing it was just highly biased because they knew me so well and we had been friends for so long. In fact: their answers frustrated me just a little bit. I had wished it to be an issue with myself, not with others, because in that case, I could work at changing myself. But rather, the way they painted it was an issue with other people, not with me - something that I couldn't do anything about. And while I was grateful for their assessments of me, because I found them rather flattering, to be honest, I felt annoyed. Somehow, I just wanted to be like everyone else in spite of the shallowness that they were speaking of. Even now, I worry if I'm socially stunting myself by not participating in the party scene and inebriating myself and hooking up with the most proximate person like everyone else, as weird as that might sound. But the way that they were portraying me answered to why I would never be at ease in those situations. Those situations, as my friends explained it, were just casual meet and greet events where you were being with others under the pretense of being social, but not really being social due to the loud music, darkness and expectation that you just drift from person to person every minute. They were the "feel good" things that I detested but others loved. They do have a point, I suppose.

I'm not debunking my friends' assessments as completely untruthful, but I'm wondering if perhaps there are other sides to this that I'm missing. And while their answers were very reassuring, they don't give me much to work with. While I certainly do converse with them on a certain level, my current interactions at my own university town are now completely static - engaging in the pleasantries that I despise so much, without any idea of how I can elevate the depth of those interactions to the level at which I would like them to be at. And while they tell me to just give it time, I'm not entirely sure if that's the answer. What is the trigger?

To be perfectly clear, while I encourage you to throw out whatever thoughts you might have on this issue (since it's quite long and complex), I'm looking for some answers just as a starting point:

- Do my friends have a point? Do you observe most "typical" social interactions to be as they described? Would you describe this as a post-secondary student phenomena, or is it more universal throughout life?

- Given that I found that my friends were particularly insistent that I had no fault other than being bestowed with my existing personality in my circumstances, that seems unrealistic to me. Can you pinpoint anywhere my story where you might find that I might be at issue?

- Is there any way for me to escalate my current, extremely shallow relationships to what I actually consider as friendships?

Also, to be very clear: I'm not looking for the usual conventional answers of "get more involved in extracurricular events" (I have enough on my plate, and I have enough acquaintances to work with; it's just the escalation that's an issue), "find common interests" (interests seem like a very poor starting point for me; my friends share very few interests with me, and I can't pinpoint any commonalities other than just "it's all over the map". Plus, I enjoy the challenge of getting along with someone highly dissimilar to me) or "get therapy" (Been there, done that. The results have not been particularly invigorating; I'm not concerned about the mental health issues that internet stranger syndrome may diagnose me with, and please do not fall prey to the True Scotsman Fallacy if I point out that all of my almost dozen therapists were not helpful, they simply weren't the "right therapists".)

:P Thanks for reading this crazy long question. I hope you at least enjoyed it.

How to let down someone who has a crush on me?

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 10:06:33 -0800

She has a crush on me. I don't feel the same way about her. What should I do? I've been acquainted with Annette for years, but it's only been lately that we've gotten to know one another. I like her just fine, but only as a friend. I don't believe I've ever said or done anything to suggest otherwise.

She's developed a crush on me. I've had some hints of this from her demeanor, which were confirmed recently when our mutual friend Anthony confided her feelings to me. (He was a little vague as to whether he did so with her knowledge or permission.) He urged me to ask Annette out; I, not quite knowing what to say, demurred without telling him conclusively that I can't return her feelings.

(Is the reason important? The main one is that I feel that our personalities don't match. I've dated girls of similar temperament before; the relationships ended badly each time, costing me a friendship or two.)

What should I do? Normally, I would keep things at a just-friends distance in my conversations with Annette and hope that her feelings would fade with time; but Anthony's intervention forces the issue. Even if she doesn't know that he told me about her feelings, I'm still going to have tell him directly that I'm not interested; if she does know, I'm going to have to tell both of them.

My friendships with Annette and Anthony are important to me. I want to let her down as kindly as possible. I have no experience with this kind of thing whatsoever - at least, not as the crushee.

If you've had to let someone down before, how did you do it? What did you say? Afterwards, did you have to change or even suspend your relationship?

Or, if you've been let down in a way that preserved your feelings and your friendship, how did it happen?

Thanks in advance.

(Oh, yeah - Annette, Anthony, and I are in our mid-twenties. I'm a straight guy, currently single.)

Is it okay to surprise my best friend at the airport?

thatgirl1985 — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 02:31:33 -0800

Would it be inappropriate to surprise your best friend at the airport who has been on a long international flight? She'll be arriving alone in Abu Dhabi from Toronto this evening. We haven't seen each other in about five months. See further details below: I'm thinking about surprising my best friend at the airport this evening. I'm staying at a hotel near the airport and it wouldn't be too bothersome to pop in the arrivals hall and welcome her to Abu Dhabi. We're both international teachers. We've gotten jobs here in the UAE. We taught together last year and Korea and became like sisters. We've supported each other through good times and bad. It's been tough not being able to hang out because we've been separated by many miles of land and ocean!

I know I would have loved to have been greeted by a familiar face when I arrived to this wild city a few weeks ago. I won't take up much of my friend's time, but I just want to say, "WELCOME to Abu Dhabi!" and give her a hug, a nice bottle of water, and some snacks.

Tough decision: life abroad vs. staying at home

photo guy — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 16:52:29 -0800

Fellow expats: Need some advice! Weighing the travel/stability/benefits of my current career choice vs. the personal costs of a transient expat lifestyle About a year ago, I took a job with a federal agency that, over the course of my career, will likely require me to move between various overseas locations every couple of years. I'm currently living in the US, but am planning to head overseas and start this moving around in another year or so.

The job is great - interesting work, low stress, fantastic pay, and solid career stability to boot. And the travel isn't bad either - I spent a couple of years living overseas in my late 20s and have been itching to try it again.

Problem is, I've been having some nagging doubts lately. As cool as traveling is (and as much as I enjoy it!), it seems that this particular choice of lifestyle requires some big sacrifices - particularly when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Family back home isn't seen as often, friendships tend to come and go, and romantic relationships seem to be almost impossible to pursue when you know you're going to end up moving eventually. I've learned how to deal with the first two points, but the last point is proving to be rather hard to accept (long story behind this), and is what ultimately made me start questioning my choice. Now I'm wondering if I should continue chasing the dream - or just forget it, buy a condo and a dog, and settle down like all my other single friends.

So fellow travel-crazed expats, I'm curious - did you find a way to balance the awesomeness of living in exotic lands and seeing the world with the hardship of not having deep lifelong connections? If so, how? And if you were single, did you manage to meet someone along the way who shared your dream of adventure and was willing to build a life with you, despite your lack of roots or a permanent home?

Thanks and look forward to any advice. Feel free to MeMail me if you'd prefer :)

Social Skills Training/Behavior Therapy in NYC?

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 06:17:41 -0800

I need to improve my social and relationship skills. Can anyone recommend a behavior therapist in NYC who does social skill training and takes Empire Blue Cross/Blue Shield? Currently taking meds which have helped me an awful lot. I am also seeing a therapist but I'm not sure that I'm getting what I need out of that particular relationship. I know what my issues are and I don't see the point in rehashing them endlessly. My main problem right now is loneliness. The meds and therapy have helped me deal with my crippling shyness but I don't have the tools I need to get out there and connect with people.

If you know of a place in NYC where I can get some social skills training, please let me know. Thanks!

[whine filter] How do I deal with burnt bridges gracefully?

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 21:25:26 -0800

I'm bad at letting things that need to die die. Despite a dubious first impressions, I became very close friends with a girl during my college years. She had a bit of reputation for being cold and robot-like (I'm pretty much the opposite), but I realized, or thought I realized, over time that this is just a facade. I was convinced that underneath it all, she was a caring and fiercely loyal, if somewhat emotionally stunted, person. Over the years, our social circles grew together and we spent a ton of time together; during our fourth year of college we shared an apartment. This is when the problems started.

She would make passive aggressive comments about me leaving cleaning supplies around or not cleaning... even though I was the only person who ever did any cleaning. Or allowing my art supplies to accumulate in the living room, which admittedly they did on occasion. I would always rectify the situation as soon as she pointed it out, even if I felt it was unreasonable. Despite being hurt by these comments, I mostly let it roll off my back. Until...

Enter my old friend from abroad, who I will refer to as OFFA. My OFFA came to visit me during the spring of my fourth year. My friend/roommate, even though she had never met this person, expressed an interest in seducing him before he even arrived. Despite not really having any romantic feelings for this person, I asked her not to make a move on him for three reasons: a) I was going through a rough time emotionally partially because of a bad ex/boyfriend situation b) I didn't want to feel like the 3rd wheel in my own apartment c) I wanted to spend time with my OFFA without sex/drama entering into the situation. But as soon as I expressed my wish that she not to make out with my OFFA, she got angry and couldn't understand why. So, of course, a few days after my OFFA arrives, they've hooked up and are instantly a happy couple. And, of course, I am upset because I feel betrayed. I do everything I can to hide this fact, but mostly just end up staying away from them as much as possible for the remainder of the trip. Despite superficial efforts, they're both pretty terrible at making me feel included. After my OFFA leaves, I explain (again) to my friend why it upset me, but I tell her it's ok and I'm happy for them. I mostly mean it, though I still don't understand why they couldn't both have been mature enough to keep it in their pants for a couple of weeks. Over the next three months or so, my friend/roommate grows increasingly distant and passive aggressive. She almost never left her room.

Several weeks later, I was packing to leave town the next day for a short trip. It was late and I was tired and stressed. She came out of her room and asked me when I think I might be able to do the dishes. In unusual form, I tell her that I couldn't deal with it right then because I had a flight to catch early the next day, and I reminded her that almost all the dishes were dirty ones she had removed from her room and simply left in the sink for weeks without cleaning. Somehow, I even worked up the chutzpah to tell her it was hard on me to do all the household chores. I'm sure I was visibly upset (confrontation doesn't come easily to me), but I wasn't cruel or angry. She stared at me blankly and said "ok" a few times, and then went back to her room. As far as I can tell, this is when our friendship ended. Every interaction we had from this time on was very oddly strained ... indeed, the robot-like way of interacting had become her default mode with me.

At the beginning of the summer, as we were moving out, I realized I had forgotten to give her my share of the rent for one month; we had a pretty relaxed, casual arrangement, and since her parent's covered the rent, she didn't pay too much attention. I mentioned it to her, and she just told me to get it to her whenever I could.

After 3 or 4 months without hearing from either her or the OFFA, I decided to unfriend them both on facebook. Everytime I saw them pop up, I had a terrible pang of pain, and I decided it just wasn't worth pretending we're going to be friends anymore in any meaningful way. I didn't do this to hurt them; I did it to try and get past my own painful feelings and accept that our friendships were over... which it seemed they had both decided long before I did.

7 months later, and I learned through a mutual friend that my ex-friend/roommate is moving abroad to be with my OFFA. I'm mostly happy for them, in an abstract kind of way. I also learn that my ex-friend/roommate thinks I'm mad at them because they're together, which baffles me. Yes, that is a tangentially related issue, the tip of an ice berg. What I'm bothered by is this apparent disregard for my feelings, lack of loyalty, selfishness, the fact that neither tried to contact me, etc.

Shortly after learning about this, my ex-roommate/friend contacted me about the rent money I owe her. This doesn't bother me--it's understandable. We agreed on a time for me to pay her back, and it's fine. I try to keep my messages short and polite, but her e-mails are curt, bordering on rude. In the last one, I tell her I hope her move went well and I ask her to send my regards to the OFFA. She responds telling me that if I have anything to say to him I can tell him myself.

This absolutely breaks my heart, and now I feel both angry and horribly guilty. I don't know how to get over it. I want to explain myself, but I'm quite certain it wouldn't help anything. Am I in the wrong? What should I do? Do any of you have experiences with this kind of thing? How do you get over irrational feelings of guilt? Do I need to confront them?

Are meaningful relationships the meaning of life?

Anonymous — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 12:47:19 -0800

Do most people feel the need for permanent, intense connections with other people? Am I abnormal in my need? I am a very lonely person, and I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that matters in life are meaningful connections with other people. Nobody else I know seems to think this. The few friends I have (who I may be pushing away by talking about these intense connections that I wish we had, which is why I'm posting anonymously) tell me that I expect too much out of friendships, and because of that I end up with no friendships. They say that friendships don't have to be permanent or deeply intense, and to just appreciate people while they're around, and move on when they're gone.

For reasons out of my control, I don't have a deep connection with my family, and so I try to get a glimpse of that connection through friends. This does not work very well because those friends prioritize things other than meaningful friendships, even the ones who are also distant from their families. If I could do nothing but sit in a circle with my friends and talk every day for the rest of my life, I wouldn't be too disappointed. Obviously there are other important things in life, but to me it seems like at the end of the day, the only thing that matters are these connections (this can be extrapolated to very real, material aspects of life, such as the fact that our economic system encourages individuality and selfishness, and so perhaps our priority in life should be to change that). I have some really fulfilling hobbies, I spend a lot of time thinking, learning, and doing, so it's not just that I'm looking for ANY kind of meaning. it's specific.

My question is: should I just chill out and take what I can get, or am I justified in my constant search for these connections that I think everyone should have?

I have considered therapy, so it's not necessary to suggest that, unless you give me a very specific reason why, and a very specific way in which therapy could help. Thank you. Throwaway email: Anon Mefite at gmail

How do I move on when I broke all the break up 'rules'?

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 09:26:59 -0800

Another break up: maybe it is a special snow flake. You know how almost everyone tells you the no contact rule after a break up? Well, I didn't follow that. I need your help So four months ago, my then boyfriend and I broke up after four months. I was in the middle of insecurity/anxiety attack and I decided to break up and he agreed since we've been fighting. This is the breakup story, it's long.

We still talked/hung out after that, and I finally told him we shouldn't. We had no contact for maybe 2 weeks. He found out I was about to leave out of state and we started hanging out again. We slept together a couple times.

The last time we hung out, a day before I was supposed to leave, I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes (It was 4 am and I was inebriated. He wasn't.) We only made out/other stuff, but no sex. I don't know why, but it didn't feel like goodbye. It just felt intense.

He has admitted that he's not over me, but he still wants to be friends. He feels like once he loses people, he never gets them back (for real, that's what he said). He also continues to say how he only accepts this friendship, and it's just for now. He said he doesn't feel that way anymore before he said that stuff. I just get really frustrated because our conversations get dragged on about friendship. I'm flattered, but I don't think I feel that way. And I also don't want to believe him.

The thing is, I want to move on. I want to get over him. But I also want to be friends. I don't want to get in a big ball of anxiety every time he doesn't reply or when some girl posts on his Facebook or when I think about all the girls he could be talking to. I don't feel as miserable when I don't talk to him. Sometimes, I feel angry. Sometimes, I just don't care. I can't tell the difference if I'm over him, or our friendship just kinda sucks. And call me a bitch/whore now, I'm bored, that's why I like talking to him (and hanging out with him, when we were in the same state).

I need help. I want to remain friends (because of his wishes and I will admit I'm lonely) but I also want to get over him, whatever that means. I feel that maybe I'm being too nice. I talk to him because I don't like feeling lonely, but it has also brought up some problems. Has anyone gone through this? What should I do? How do I move on when I broke all the break up 'rules'?

Why have I not heard back?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:50:56 -0800

How much more effort do I put in before giving up (relationship advice)? A little background:

A few weeks ago, a friend from a few years ago who I had fallen out of touch with messaged me over Facebook about getting together. I responded and said that I would message back when I found a good time. Last Thursday I sent a message saying we should get together on the following Monday. Friend got back to me and said that they thought they might be busy that day, but that they'd contact me when they found out.

Fast forward to Tuesday. I hadn't heard back, so we didn't get together on Monday (obviously). I sent Friend another message saying I was available Friday. I still haven't heard back, and I'm starting to wonder what's going on.

If this was somebody who I'd called up and who wasn't returning my calls, I'd chalk it up to them not being interested in getting together, but I was the one that was initially contacted. I also know that this friend hasn't been in any sort of accident (they've updated their facebook since I've messaged them). This is somebody who I really liked and felt a real connection with. What else can I do? How much more effort do I put into contacting them?

Did she take the easy way out?

SleeveHearted — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 11:02:18 -0800

Did she just take the easy way out or am I just that guy? About 8 months ago I started talking to a girl I have known for many years. She is 7 years younger than me and I never noticed her until boom she magically grew up. I always thought she was a loser ( hung around with the wrong crowd made bad choices). We began talking every so often then it turned into a daily ritual txt, fb, and phone call situation once she got rid of her BF. I slowly began to develop feelings and we started hangin out when.... The shortest version........When we started to hang out it was amazing to the point she couldn't deny it. Nothing happend between us like that but we had become great friends amazing I should say. The click factor was definatly there and it got to the point where we talked about it and laughed about it but her response was, "I don't want to loose the friendship." being a guy i took this to mean what it normally does 1.SHES JUST NOT THAT INTO ME 2. no warm fuzzies 3. not attracted to me in that way. Upon furthur investigation of the above 3 I come to find out she would say how she is atracted to me and that she would be with me if she didnt have to fear getting hurt. Understandable, so I set out with new confidence and backed off to see if maybe it would just happen on its own. One day we went for Ice cream with her niece. She came and picked me up we drove around till we found a DQ and had a blast laughing and carrying on. She drops me off and later I realize she has changed her FB Status to "in a relationship" and my name wasnt listed below..... needless to say i didnt handle that well and i have cut off communication, it has been about 45 days and I still cant shake it. She begs me back into her life as a friend. Am I right for walking away? I truly believe in my heart she took the easy way out, the option that she could walk from and not get hurt. I believe she wants me in her life to get everything she cant get from him and was hiding it the whole time. Should I mend the friendship and chalk the chance at more as a loss or hold my ground? I struggle moving on cause nothing else interests me like her! Ive been in love and been in relationships but up untill this point I felt I had experienced everything and was just waiting to bump into Mrs. Right now im scared to death i found her and im screwed!!! help??

Are close, one-on-one, opposite-sex friendships a good idea?

dogcat — Thu, 06 May 2010 16:21:14 -0800

Are close, one-on-one, opposite-sex friendships a good idea; or is the risk of one-sided romantic feelings and other problems too great? I was discussing this with my mom a few days ago, and she does not consider one-on-one, opposite-sex friendships to be a good idea; and she thinks this is a common view among people of her generation (she was born in the 50s). For her, any kind of male-female relationship implicitly has a romantic component for at least one party, and to think otherwise will lead to problems down the road. She also thinks opposite-sex friendships are totally inappropriate for someone in a relationship. However, she admits that younger generations like mine may not think this way.

That got me thinking. I've had one-on-one, opposite-sex friends, but I never thought much of it. Those relationships never really lasted, but usually because of other factors like someone moving, and I do recall some suppressed romantic feelings in one or two, but that's just my experience.

What does the hive mind think? Are one-on-one opposite-sex friendships things that should be avoided or be treated with a little extra caution?

Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Lions and Tigers and Bears and Hot Tubs and Hairy Chests and Press-On Nails...

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 10:38:33 -0800

Some now-former friends have decided to jump into polyamory as a solution to a big mess of relationship crazy. I think this is a terrible, terrible idea, for reasons specific to both the couple and polyamory as a whole. But how do I discuss this with them (and others) without sliding down the slippery slope of defining what other types of relationships are "right" or "wrong"? I live in an area that has an active community of poly people. It's generally seen as no big thing. However, I'm pretty opposed to polyamory in general, mainly because the vast majority of people I know who engage in it are pretentious, selfish, creepy, using it as an excuse to keep a bad relationship going, all that. Of course people will do whatever they want, but when they actively drag me into their drama it takes on another tone.

This is not to say that I am 100% convinced it can't work, but considering I know only one couple who does it "right" with honesty and planning (and has problems -- as any relationship unit does), that's up there. I admit that I can be judgmental, but dammit, what if I'm actually right?

So there is a married couple and an unmarried couple. Three months ago, Boyfriend proudly announces to me privately that he has received Batshit Insane Girlfriend's blessing to go after Wife. I am horrified, mainly because Girlfriend is (as mentioned) batshit insane; any possibility of a healthy secondary relationship, let alone their own barely-breathing heap of a relationship, is pretty much nil. I believe that Boyfriend truly valued my advice (which I tried to present as objectively as possible), but in the end they all decided to go through with it.

So my boyfriend and I backed way off as we tried to sort out our feelings and how it would be possible to remain friends with them when they want to make this horrible decision. Because what's to stop any of these people from making other horrible decisions that affect us more directly? We came to the conclusion that it would be really difficult to do so.

In particular, I feel like they've gone about it in a sort of half-secretive way that really took advantage of my trust. Months ago, Wife was up all night in tears complaining that Girlfriend is bombarding her with stalkerish e-mails insinuating that Wife is trying to steal Boyfriend. I try to support Wife, only to find out that... well, she kind of is. (Through her own behavior, not the general act of being poly.) Same with other times when she's outwardly flirting with Boyfriend, and Husband is emotionally shutting down. Without knowing more about their dynamics (i.e. what the hell he finds okay or not okay), we found it impossible to be supportive friends.

TL; DR

But within all this, as I'm trying to explain why this squicks me out, I have this nagging fear that some of the things I'm saying are very similar to objections that other people have raised about other nontraditional relationships -- LGBT, May/December, even interracial ones. You know -- things like "This isn't a healthy, normal way of conducting a relationship" or "I don't care what you do, as long as you don't do it around me." Even saying "I wish I knew more of the details of the relationship so I could respond appropriately" feels dangerously close to insinuating that a gay person should "announce" his or her sexuality in a way that heterosexuals don't have to do.

All four friendships are over, though I retain hope that Boyfriend (a good friend from high school) will come to his senses sometime down the road. I promise not to say "I told you so" because I hated it when people did that to me. But we felt obligated to let Husband and Wife know (via a careful e-mail) why we had suddenly disappeared from their lives, and now I'm getting accused of the kind of discrimination I mentioned above.

[Plus, I'd really like to know how to use this argument in favor of gay marriage when the teabaggers think it will lead to polygamous horse sex or some shit like that.]

What do I do?

Eulogy for a friendship

SecretAgentSockpuppet — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 08:52:54 -0800

Relationship Filter: How do you know, and what do you do, when a 25+ year friendship may have reached it's logical end? Novella length setup: I have a friend that I've had for about 25 years. We have always been very close, even when I've lived abroad. We've helped each other through college, divorces, abortions, childbirth, deaths of friends, lovers and parents...you get the idea.

We live in different cities, and while we share some of the same circle of friends, I don't care for most of her friends, and she doesn't really know any of mine.

In the last decade or so, she's become a rising star in her chose career path, which has rewarded her with significant financial reward. Because she has more resources than most of her friends, she's developed a group of "fans"; i.e. friends who are almost sycophantic in their friendships, because they like that they can to go to theaters and restaurants and weekends at 5 star hotels that she will pay for. (I've kept up with her financially, and she and I have never had a unbalanced financial relationship.) When she does pay for things, she does it in such a way as to make her other friends effuse about how wonderful she is, and how generous she is. I find the whole thing rather distasteful because I find the display of wealth to be distasteful. (I feel that if one does things like this for one's friends, which I *do*, it should be done quietly and without drawing attention to it.)

A couple of months ago, she and I planned a weekend. It was a "learning"weekend, in that we booked spots in a conference, booked a 4-5 star hotel, and as a belated bday/xmas present she had purchased tickets to a theatre production I wanted to see.

It is important to note here, that while I was once a big drinker, I've made it clear to all my friends that I have a drinking issue, and I generally avoid events where drinking will be the main activity. I have a very hard time stopping drinking once I start, so I generally don't start.

The night I arrived in town, she'd made reservations at a wine bar for dinner. Now, this place doesn't serve actual entrees; it's more tapas and wine tasting. Ok, weird...but whatever.

The next day, about 3 hours into the conference, she announces that she doesn't feel good, and we need to leave. So, I ended up forfeiting the conference fee and not seeing the conference...but ok, if she doesn't feel good, I'm not going to make her stay, so we leave and go back to the hotel.

The day after that, we run around the city for a bit, talking about our plans for the theatre that night when she remembers that it's another of our friend's birthdays. She decides, on the spur of the minute to get two extra tickets for this friend and his girlfriend. Only she didn't ask them if they were free, and the girlfriend was working.

So, to use the extra ticket, she decided to invite someone that she *knows* I don't like. No, someone I despise. I find this person to be horrible on every single level. She's stupid, she's obnoxious, she's annoying, and her mother smells of elderberry wine. (Seriously, she showed up for this theatre event in a t-shirt with a calculator that spelled out "boobies" on it. Shudder.) I would rather have a root canal than spend any time with this person for any reason, ever. But this person is insanely fawningly sycophantic, and I think my friend may have needed a fix.

When I told my friend that I was really not happy about this arrangement, she told me that I was being ridiculous and to just deal with it, even though she prefaced the news that Boobies was coming by saying "I know you don't like her, but..."

After the show, everyone (but me) wanted to go to some trendy place and drink. Now...first and foremost, I've made it clear that I don't find drinking or dealing with drunks to be on my list of things I want to do. Secondly, I can be an incredibly cruel drunk. So, if in the company of someone I really don't like I'm not going to drink, because I will get vicious. When drunk, making people like Boobies Girl cry makes me happy. Ergo, I wasn't going to drink. Thirdly, I'm am the anti-trendy. I hate trendy places. I'm a round Janeane Garofalo. However, I was a passenger, and I was outvoted.

We stayed at the bar until it closed. Then everyone wanted to go to an after hours bar, which is where I drew the line and said that I really needed to get some sleep, since I had a long ass drive the next day. I was told that I was being passive aggressive by not wanting to go to a after-hours dance club filled with tripping kids half our age. Good lord, we're closer to 50 than 20, there is no excuse for us to go hang out somewhere like that. Sheesh.

The next morning, she was obviously pissed off at me. We packed up and were out of the hotel by breakfast. One the way out of town, when our paths fork, she didn't wave or anything. Subsequently, when I asked her to tell me what my share of the hotel was, she sent me a very formal invoice, using her family name; as in "Mrs X should remit the following expenses to Ms Y", which struck me as really odd, when she could have just said, "Hey, paypal me $X00."

Since that weekend, we have not spoken. Other than the invoice, there has been no email contact. I've left her 2 phone messages, and a few tweets, but there's been no real contact.

I *feel* like she should apologize to me for the constant pushing of booze and for intentionally creating a situation where I had to bite my tongue for eight hours, but I've neither asked for an apology, nor do I expect to receive one. From her perspective, I'm sure she feels like she did nothing wrong.

I'm thinking that the friendship may have just finally run it's course. Whereas we have a ton of things in common; our love of books, our fields of interest, a lifetime of stories together, we don't have any day-to-day stuff in common. We don't really share the same friends, we don't watch the same sorts of movies or TV, we have radically different lifestyles, and we have a palpable difference in the people with whom we choose to spend time.

Am I wrong in thinking that this weekend was concrete proof of how different we've become? Am I right in thinking that we "broke up"? Should I just let the friendship fade into that realm of bday and xmas cards? Have any of you experienced what it's like to lose the best friend you've had for most of your life?

I think my fear of fake relationships might be stopping me from having real relationships - help?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 08:41:50 -0800

Why am I so scared that people are trying to trick me/use me? Is this something you really need to be on guard against all the time or is it irrational thinking? I don't know why, but for as long as I can remember, I've had this fear that people might just be tricking me into thinking they're my friend/they care about me. As a teenager I used to worry that maybe one of my friends would go "pffft I was just kidding... did you seriously think I liked you and was your friend? hahahahhahaha". Like their being nice to me would turn out to be this big prank that everyone would laugh about later. This made me anxious to get close to people. I'm female and I've always had a lot of male friends and when one of them would hit on me, I'd always feel like they'd faked our friendship just to get sex, even as an adult although I've tried to tell myself that maybe they liked my personality AND found me attractive, but it's still made me second guess things. I still find myself worrying that guys just want to f*ck me so they craft these elaborate friendships/fake relationships with me but are really thinking I'm an idiot getting sucked into their scam, and are laughing about it with their male friends behind my back. Even just writing it out, it sounds kind of ridiculous, I mean, it's a lot of trouble to go to just to sleep with someone who's not bad looking but no supermodel, but I do worry. It makes me a bit on edge with my male friends and very distrustful of anyone I become romantically or sexually involved with. I even get put off one night stands when someone starts talking to me cos I don't want them to think they've tricked me into it. And if I actually do have feelings for someone, I shut them off quick smart if they actually become a viable option, cos I don't want to be an idiot. I tend to assume that anyone I'm dating or who fancies me is only interested in sleeping with me and the rest is a scam to make that happen and that they don't like or respect me as a person, and that if they really respected me they'd just say "I want to f*** you and that's it". This seems silly when I consider that I've had friends I've had a crush on and I still wanted to be their friend even if they didn't feel the same. I enjoy sex a lot so it's not something I need to be tricked into but I hate the feeling of someone thinking they're tricking me more than I hate missing out. To make things worse, I once decided to just "let go" and fell in love with someone, but after a year I discovered that he'd cheated on me. Due to my prior beliefs, this confirmed my fears as I chalked it up to "I got tricked and used and he didn't love me or even like me at all, it was all 100% lies and he basically only asked me to live with him for easily accessible sex" - despite the fact that he spent the next year begging me to give him another chance. Rationally I can tell myself I'm not THAT good looking or amazing in bed that people would go to such elaborate lengths to trick me, but I find it hard to trust that people want anything more than that from me, and I flip out at the first "sign" that they don't care. It feels like as soon as someone is physically attracted to me, it must mean they just see me as a piece of meat. I am trying to tell myself that liking someone as a person and liking someone sexually don't have to be mutually exclusive (as they're not for me!), but kind of failing.

To a smaller extent, I sometimes worry that even platonic friendships might be motivated by someone just wanting to get something from me (besides my friendship) and that the person doesn't really care for me.

I also sometimes think maybe everyone is just doing that to eachother and there's something wrong with me that I can't bring myself to use people at all, even people who aren't nice to me.

When people ask me out I immediately think "oh, so THAT'S why they were being nice to me" and then I feel like they probably aren't really my friend, even if they keep hanging out with me (I tell myself this is so they can maybe try again later). This is hard because I've been asked out by a lot of the guys who go to the same activities I go to and it's always nice at the start making new friends but then I get disappointed when I realise they weren't really my friends after all.

Please help me rationally think my way out of this before I ruin all my friendships and future relationships (unless you really need to tell me that most people are just out to scam people for what they can get). I would actually like a relationship with someone who likes me physically and for my personality but I can't get myself to believe it's possible which makes me act cold and disinterested and like *I'm* only after sex when I'm dating - catch 22.

After writing all this down I guess it might be a self-esteem problem?

Throwaway email: thisone6@gmail.com

Is this friendship worth saving?

mrstrotsky — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 11:01:31 -0800

FriendshipFilter: Should I give up on this friendship? I am female and I've been good friends with my next-door neighbor from my first year of college since then. We haven't lived in the same place since college, but we've been quite close since then. However, we've been having trouble connecting. The last time we saw each other was when we visited her for her son's baptism. The last time before that was visiting them right after they found out they were expecting. We've tried to meet up quite a few times since then- they've canceled two visits to see us, and we've tried to meet up in the city where her husband's parents and my mother-in-law live, to no avail. The most recent situation involved her saying we'd meet up on the 23rd of December, then canceling and saying we'd meet on January 2. Her phone went dead, I emailed and Facebooked her with no response. I even called her husband, who said she wanted to see me.
Background: We were in each other's weddings, and I am the godmother for her 2.5 year old son. I have an almost two-year old daughter (whom she's never met). But- she's always been a competitive friend. You name it: marriage, appearance, now child-rearing. She had a difficult childhood with an abusive father and refuses to deal with some of the issues surrounding that. She also works full time and I'm a stay-at-home mom, and she's made comments about not being able to do what I do because she would be bored. We still share a lot, though- political beliefs, reading, lots of shared experiences from college and as parents.
I don't whether she's avoiding me or if she's just overwhelmed. My husband thinks that she has something to hide or she's ashamed of something. I don't know- hive mind, help me out!