Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and friendships

Men: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's fuck!) Women: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's be friends!)

Eleutherios — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:11 -0800

Previously dated men, now wants to date women. Problem: I can't tell when women are interested in me or if they just want to be friends. I seem to be pretty good in picking up on clues that a man is sexually interested in me, women not so much.

I've had scenerios show up over and over with men and women:

-Being stared at in a bar/party/club
-Being told that I'm attractive/sexy
-Being messaged on online dating sites
-Having a friend of their's introduce me ("Hey are you single? If yes, my friend would like to meet you!)
-Someone inviting me over their house to fix dinner for me
-Being grinded on the dance floor

Whenever men show the above behaviors, it almost always leads up to them wanting to pursue a relationship and/or have sex with me. I've always reject those advances, because I'm not sexually attracted to men, eventhough I pretended to be for a while. I was in a few relationships with men, but they were sexless.

Whenever women show the above behaviors I get a different result. Unlike with the guys, I don't show coolness when women act like that around me, I actually turn up the heat. Once I show my attraction, I'm told that they are looking for friendship and not anything more. That's if I'm lucky, there were a few occasions where women just walked away from me.

This has caused me a lot of frustration and confusion, the fact that the very same behaviors has led to very different outcomes, depending on the gender involved. To add to the confusion, whenever I show those above behaviors, I am definately sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I would never invite a woman over to my house (knowing that we are both lesbians) to cook for her, if I wasn't trying to have sex with her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. It would just be awkward.

I've been told that I think a lot like a guy, so I think this is messing up my perception a bit. For those who date women, regardless of your gender, how do I tell the difference between friendly interest and sexual interest? Please help a woman who's new to this scene.

fear of intimacy with friendships

Anonymous — Mon, 11 May 2009 12:16:38 -0800

How do i get over my fear of intimacy in friendships, and actually let myself get into close friendships and not push people away? Help me sort out my problems with intimacy and social anxiety, and fix it. Usually this question comes up in the context of romantic relationships. I've read through the series of MeFi questions, but I can't find anything on this - so here goes.

I am a male in my late twenties, and live in an east coast city (ECC). For work, I have been temporarily sent out to a west coast city (WCC). My time here so far (just a few months) has been helpful in giving me perspective to a problem that I have been ignoring for years.

I have been here a few months in WCC, and have a few months left before i go back to ECC. I don't know that many people here, and the loneliness has hit me pretty hard. When I talk to people from back here, they expect me to be having a lot more fun than i am, and I'm just miserable.

What i've realized here is that I have deep intimacy problems. I realized that back in ECC, I do know a lot of people - I just don't let them very close at all. I have a lot of casual acquaintances, and sort of have a busy enough social life, but I don't have lots of close friends. Living in WCC, since i'm alone a lot more, has given me a lot of perspective on this...

I had moved a lot in my early twenties, and I kept on trying different places - and I've finalyl realized that it wasn't the place - it was me! It was my fear of letting people get close that pushed people away.

Part of this problem comes from a fear of intimacy, and part of it comes this fear that people think that I'm a socially awkward friendless loser, so I try to build up my life in a way that seems more active and social that it is. And most people think I have a far more active social life and romantic life than I do.

So, you know how some guys have a number of girls in their life, and the presence of other (available) girls in their life makes them more desired by other girls? (which isn't healthy, i know).

I have that mentality when it comes to relationships as well, even though (obviously) that doesnt work at all. I think what it is, is that i am afraid to let people close to me know how vulnerable I am, so I hang out with different people and hold them at arm's length, even when they want to get closer.

So I'm always 'looking' for new friends, even though I have people in my life already.

I think I'm worried that I will get into a friendship with someone, and that we won't click - and that i won't be able to extricate myself (I feel like this happened before to me in college - i got in with a group of friends that i found myself very different from, and leaving was awkward and painful for all involved)

(Romantically, this has not worked well at all either - I have slept with many girls but i won't let them get close emotionally to me either)

I have a lot of individual relationships, all with different groups of people. Some of them are very, very different from each other. I have this fear of them not getting along, so I never bring different groups together, and I think people seem slightly off-put by that fact. But bringing them together generates such huge amounts of anxiety for me that I get scared and won't do it. For instance, I went out about four times last week with different people - but I never brought them together or invited one from one outing to another.

Or another example - i haven't done anything for my last couple birthdays - everyone always expects me to do something and have a big gettogether, and people always ask me when i'm planning to gettogether or the party for (the answer? i get so stressed out about it that i hunker down, and dont do anything, and mumble some answer about how i was too busy to plan anything)

But again, I think it's the fear that people will see a vulnerable me - so i put up a false facade that everything is great and there's nothing to worry about and that i have a super exciting life.

Otherwise, things are good in my life, there is no reason for me to struggle. I have a well-paying, very stable job making in the high five figures, no outstanding debt, very well educated, and no real struggle on that side of life. In this economy, I know this is worth a lot and I am thankful for that each and every single day.

What i just want is to be happy and not be lonely and have CLOSE friends. I need to change, and I need to figure out the best way to fix things and get things on track before I leave WCC and go back to ECC.

I do have kinda bad bouts of depression (medical, not situational), and social anxiety as well.

Thoughts on the best way to approach therapy (to find one), good books to read, and any way you have pulled yourself out of a situation like this would be appreciaetd. I have been like this for too long.

I was told, "Let other people bless you." How?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:54:24 -0800

"Why do you do that? Stop it. Let other people bless you. You're always supporting others, why don't you let others show support for you?" This is what a co-worker said to me today when scolding me about my not wanting to have a promotion luncheon and moving to another area. This has happened like three times in as many years. After many excuses, I finally conceded to her "I don't know." I've known for a long time that this is a major problem for me. I have a severe mistrust of people. I never expect them to give back what I've given. I've been disappointed many, many times, but honestly, I don't know if I can say even that warrants my mistrust. Over the past few years, I've done things like turn off my phone after I call someone and leave a message, so as not to know if they called back or not, (to avoid disappointment), which would inevitably lead to their saying in our next conversation, "I called you, but you never answer." Still though, I continue my self-destructive ways.

I remember one of the only times I've ever thrown anything for myself, a few years ago for my 25th birthday (I'm 29 now), and in my eyes it was a disaster. No one except a couple reliable friends came, everyone else had an excuse. Even a "close" friend (our b-days are days apart) who I was hosting the party with backed out at the last minute. I was devastated. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt devastated, like, "God, here I am, I made the effort, and it blew up in my face." So of course, I haven't thrown anything since, just attended other people's gatherings. I never get my moment in the sun because I'm afraid people either 1) don't know me enough to attend or 2) don't care enough, both which would hurt like hell. I don't think I can take another 25th b-day party, I just don't. So I never even try.

But it makes me sad. I don't know if I'll ever get married, but over the years, the only thing I've obsessed over when thinking about that day is, "would anyone come? Could I handle being the center of attention like that?" Those thoughts scare the begeezus out of me, truly. But I worry now because this was semi-okay when I was younger, but now it's not a phase, it's become a way of life, and it makes me feel like my life is passing me by. Yet I don't know how to trust others enough to include them in my life in a healthy, normal way. I don't know what to do. Can anyone either 1) tell me what's wrong with me or 2) tell me how to fix it?

P.S. I went to therapy a few years ago (after the 25th b-day debacle, surprise, surprise) for about a year and I found it helpful, but I don't know if that's what I need anymore. I don't know what I need to get past this, I really don't.

How an a grown-up learn social skills?

Yakuman — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 18:05:00 -0800

Are there any decent guides to improving your social skills? Most of what I've found on the topic deals with children, formal etiquette, or the standard self-help cant. Is there anything for people interested in the nuts and bolts of building relationships, giving off a good impression, and making people think you are a good guy. I get the idea that most people with bad social skills tend not to care or notice and this hurts the market for such material. I have a pretty good eye for books and I have found precious little on this topic. I assume we are supposed to learn these things in childhood or be screwed for life. There is a quack movement called NLP that obsesses on rapport-building, but provides little of use. The standard therapeutic gurus seem more interested in pumping up emotional states than anything else. And the people who deal in practical advice focus on gatherings like mixers and dinner parties that I rarely attend.

Is there anything else? Surely there are all sorts of socially awkward people looking for tips.

Child without bedtime interrupting adult evenings

lilyflower — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 12:52:17 -0800

How can we get our friends to put their 4 year old to bed so we can have grown up evenings together? We are a couple who are both in our late 20's without children and are friends with a couple who are in their late 30's with a 4 year old girl. We like to spend weekend evenings together but their lack of a bedtime routine with their 4 year old is interfering with our relationship as adults. We like to hang out on Friday and Saturday nights playing over 18 rated computer games and watching TV programs and films which are not suitable for a small girl. Due to our friends child being up with us sometimes until midnight we are not enjoying our evenings as our friends attention is being drawn to her as she interrupts conversations, she has tantrums as she is so tired from being up so late, and our behaviour is being moderated by our friends to create a suitable environment for a child.

We have been together as a couple for 2 years and my partner was friends with them first and spent time with them before I was around. He says that even when the daughter was a toddler she was allowed downstairs late at night as he believes the mother works full time and feels guilty about not spending enough time with her. When we go around to their house we feel we cannot say anything as it is their house, but when they come around to our house they bring their child and get her to sleep on a sofa which we allow but do not feel comfortable with. We would like to know how we can approach our friends about the lack of exclusive adult time we have with them. They do not have a baby sitter but do arrange for her parents to stay with them occassionally who can then babysit but are not around much. Our friends say that during the week they do have a bedtime routine but they seem to not bother with it when we are there at the weekend. We can see that as their child gets older and starts to perceive more of her surroundings she will pick up on adult content in our conversations and on the TV. We can forsee our friends will want to moderate our behaviour further so as not to expose their daughter to adult content.

How can we talk to our friends about this and have evenings with them as grown ups without a child in tow? We would appreciate comments from people who have experienced situations similar to this from either side.

How to cope after breaking up with a BFF of 10 yrs?

urbanchic — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 00:39:03 -0800

I feel like I made the right decision in breaking up with my (jealous) BFF of 10 yrs - but I still feel guilty over it? Also, what to do about mutual friends and any advice on coping? I broke up with my BFF of 10 yrs last summer, after what seemed like a deterioration of our friendship. We are both 30 yrs old.. were friends through college and post-college years - and shared a lot of great memories and activities together. I was also close with my BFF's boyfriend (now husband), who I also respected. They were always supportive and good friends during some difficult times, as I was with them. We all lived close together in the same city until they moved to another city 6 hrs. away 2 yrs ago, we're going to get married and settle down. So we only saw each other sporadically after, but that's when the troubles began.

In fall 2007, I decided to pursue Grad school to get a MBA b/c I got stuck in my career and needed a major change - as well as was facing a lot of pressure from my traditional parents. All my friends were supportive of that idea - except for this BFF and her BF. We all had college degrees, but when I told her of the news, she got all critical, saying, "There's nothing wrong with your education," "That's awfully hard - are you sure you can do it?," or "How are you ever going to afford that?" I was shocked, hurt and didn't know where that came from. Someone said it sounded like she was jealous of me and didn't want me to get a MBA. But why would she care? She was getting married, we lived far away, it wouldn't impact her? I tried to talk to her about it, but she denied everything and said that she was just "looking out for me."

The weird thing is, my BFF got into a huge bad argument with her BF and wanted to even end their relationship a few months earlier - when *I* had to be there to console her.

In the next year, she started contacting me less and I felt like I was the one who had to keep the friendship going. On her b-day, her BF invited me to a surprise party, but I couldn't make it as I was prepping for the GMAT a few wks later. I sent a nice gift, but she didn't even have the courtesy to tell me thank you. So then when her wedding started coming around, all she could talk about was her wedding - and didn't even really include me in the plans, let alone had much interest in my life anymore.

Eventually, I got so fed up with this one-sided friendship after 1 yr of that I was done, no more. I felt like I was walking on eggshells for her terms of happiness and she did not support me when I needed her.

So here comes the really bizarre and inmature (asinine) part:

Her *Mom* begins writing to me on MySpace/Facebook to try to invite me to the wedding after a few months of non-communication. She and the Dad tells me that my friend is going through some "changes," "is growing up" and wants me to be understanding and there for her. I was like, "WTF? Are you kidding me?" You want me to be there for HER when she won't be there for me? I ignored all of the msgs. After a few wks, this so-called BFF tried emailing me and asks me what's wrong. And in the process, both she and the Mom are trying to msg. MY friends and be all chummy with them all of a sudden? I felt like this was high school crap! Well, I tried to keep our mutual friends out of it, luckily all of my friends kept their distance.

It's been 6 months since my ex-BFF's wedding and I sent a "why we broke up letter" to her last week. I felt like I made the right decision in breaking up our friendship - but I still feel guilty that I had to cut it cold turkey from time to time. I understand usually friendshifts happen around big events like graduation, marriage and babies. But I tried and didn't want this to happen. Is this normal? I just feel angry that she and her Mom - still don't understand or will stop their immature behavior.

I think both my friend and I were in a similar depressed, negative state for a good portion of our time together. I have since gotten therapy, all of my relationships have grown and I feel like a positive, better person now. Does that have an impact - that they may not recognize their absurd behavior?

Thanks for any feedback, I feel like jealously or whatever this is is such an unspoken topic and really would like some feedback. I appreciate you guys reading my long post.

How do I matter more to others?

Anonymous — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:32:08 -0800

Is it really true that the more you do for others, the closer you will become? I feel invisible when I help others. I don't feel like anyone really cares about me the way I care about them. The same people who want my support will whine or "forget" when I ask for something. So I don't. No one laughs with me or cries with me, and if I share my passions or thoughts, I am criticized or misunderstood (the sole exception would be professional therapists of course). So I have learned to keep things to myself or to not expect anything more from anyone. I make plans alone, get excited by myself and do for myself. I take care of my own needs, including emotional needs. I cry alone until I feel better, I generate my own excitement and cheer for myself. But I have been told that if I want a better connection with others, I need to focus less on myself and more on them. If that's true I'm willing to try, but I have reason to doubt it.

Just as one example, I am a big cheerleader for the people around me. I support them in their endeavors and focus on the positive more than the negative. People cry on my shoulder and many times have told me how much they appreciate my support and especially the fact that I just believe in them. Well I would like the same thing, I would like to be believed in and for people to be enthusiastic with me. I get that it is my personality to be enthusiastic and hopeful for others when I am engaged with them, but I need it as much as they do. My therapist (amongst many other sources) says that I need to focus more on what I can do for other people and how I am making them feel. But I don't get the link. I think that this will just make them rely on me more and value me for my support which they already do, but why would it make them value me as a person if the focus is all on them? Dale Carnegie said the same sort of thing and I've been using that as gospel for years, but its not enough!

So many people tell me how nice I am and how much they remember what I said or did for them. When do I get to share my values, my passions, my dreams, my disappointments, and actually have someone else care (more than paying lip service and then moving on to a more interesting topic: them)? How could focusing on them even more make the difference?

if you want to email, needyouradviceplease@gmail.com

Can I be friends with husband's team's spouses?

seekingsimplicity — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 10:54:17 -0800

Is it possible for the wife of a CEO (me) to be good friends with the wives of my husband's management team spouses? We socialize a few times per year and I always sort of feel guarded with them. I like many of them a lot and would like them as friends. Part of me sees it as not a good idea though? Would it compromise my husbands relationships at work? Might there be trust and confidentiality issues? Maybe it is just about how close I get to them? Keeping boundaries as far as what we talk about? Staying away from talk about the company? Would I be able to share important things going on in my life or will it become company gossip---and spread like wildfire? Anyone here have experience with this?

Portrayals of friendship and social circles in books, movies, or essays

salvia — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 21:01:55 -0800

Can you recommend books, movies, or essays with good portrayals of friendships or people's social circles? I'd like to read or watch things with realistic, complex examinations of friendships and people's social circles.

I've been thinking through my idea of friendship (is it too fairytale? is it too detached?), and about how to maintain friendships amidst life's complications (people moving, starting families, getting busy), and about how to make new friends. I've also been struggling with one friendship that is difficult for me right now.

I realized it would help to see how other people saw friendship and their social circle. Can you recommend things to read or watch? Books, short stories, movies, or nonfiction essays are all great.

To spark ideas, here are a few questions I'm interested in -- What does it mean to be friends? What are people's close friendships like? How do people stay friends over the years through ups and downs? What if one person moves away or friends grow apart? What about groups of friends, what are those like? How do other people look at their full circle of both acquaintances and friends? What is it like to be new in town and trying to build a new social network?

Why can't I have normal friendships?

tcv — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 16:25:26 -0800

Why do I feel this way? I apologize for the length of this. This is a desperate attempt to get some understanding around a problem that has plagued me for years. What follows is a chronological account of things. The way it looks to me? I simply can't have friends. I am in my mid-30s and male. Every few years, I am beset by an extreme range of emotions. I feel elated, happy, sad, angry, suicidal, hopeless all at once. This conflict causes me extreme stress. I feel out of control and only have the most tenuous hold on my personal and professional lives as a result during this.

Around the age of 14, I decided to stop going to school. Most days were filled with a constant teasing that I finally couldn't take anymore. There wasn't anything particularly different about me. I was overweight and a geek, but fairly normal otherwise. But unlike some kids that might play hooky, I decided to stay home. So, for the next half year or so, I rarely left my room. My parents pleaded with me every morning to go to school, but I would not do it. Eventually, the state jumped in a said that I needed to go to school or into a mental health facility. I had been seeing a social worker for a bit up until that point, but after the letter from the state, I saw a psychiatrist who put me on an anti-depressant (Pamelor) and an anti-anxietypill (Xanax). He diagnosed me with an "anxiety disorder" and developing "agoraphobia" and placed me into a metal hospital where I spent seven months.

Up until my time in the hospital, I had very few friends. I had neighborhood friends but they quickly determined that they could easily push me by announcing they would "break up friends." This meant they wouldn't see me anymore and it always devastated me. At one point, I had two friends at one end of the block and another up the same block and they would routinely ping-pong me with that phrase. I don't blame them. I allowed this to happen.

By the time I had entered the hospital, I had zero friends. The only people I knew were on BBSs and I chronicled a lot of what was happening on a BBS I ran at the time. A couple of people took pity on me and I felt connected to them. Of course, I had to shut down the board when I entered the hospital so I never really knew them and never talked to them again.

Part of my program in the hospital was forced socializing. This was good and necessary, but wasn't easy. It led me to the first encounter with the troubles I have today. One of the female staff members came into my room one evening to socialize with me a bit. She wanted to pull me out of the room for socializing. I don't really recall the content of the conversation, but I do recall that I left the room and went into the Day Room. Nothing else really ever came of that particular conversation.

But I changed. Radically. I started to feel, the best as I can describe it, a "crush" toward this person. I would feel a whole mix of emotions: anxiety, anger, love (what I thought), hatred, happiness, attractive, desired, sadness, yearning, dread, etc., etc. I wanted to be enveloped by this person. To be swallowed whole, in a sense, and be secure. I talked about it very openly at the time, but my doctor and the staff members said this was my attempting to stay away from my true work at the hospital. I accepted that as an answer, but with the emotions it was very difficult to ignore.

Eventually, the person I had fixated on would leave the unit (hopefully not because of me). On one of her last nights, she spoke to me and told me that nothing would ever happened between us. Even though I knew this on an intellectual level up until that point, I didn't accept it on an emotional level until she said that. I bawled the entire night, but in the morning I was better.

I did not understand the trauma, however, which is why I experienced it again in short order. This time it was directed toward a very nice art therapy instructor. Unlike the previous person who really tried to push the conversation in other directions, this person listened to me about it and tried to have sympathy. In retrospect, she didn't understand it and it wasn't really her job to do so anyway. She just accepted that I needed to hug her and needed to tell her that I loved her without responding in kind. She, too, eventually left the unit and the last day she gave me a very large hug. I remember that moment distinctly because it was at the beginning of a group therapy session. We hugged. I sat down and cried so heavily I hid my face and kept on until the session was nearly over.

Shortly thereafter, through a snafu, I wound up in music therapy alone with a female instructor. I can remember the horror on my doctor's face when he came to get me for a session and saw me alone with this person. He made it clear to me and the staff that my being in that type of environment was very inappropriate and it would stop. It did. I left the hospital a few weeks later.

Leaving the hospital was very tough. I didn't really learn about self-esteem or relationships inside. Oh sure, I did, but it was the type of relationship where you could say anything and express anything without awkwardness or repercussion. Certainly not what one gets on the Outside. But I did get better. I was able to keep friends for extended periods of time. I learned how to speak up for myself and did better in school. I never gained long-lasting friends, but I was more normal than I had ever been. I even dated a couple of people casually.

Still, relationships -- friendly or otherwise -- were very rocky for me. For one thing, everyone I knew before the hospital never appeared on my doorstep again. I didn't try to find them either. So, I tried new folks but was always worried that they would drop me at any moment -- "break up friends," as it were. My two forays into casual dating had me wanting to become serious hours into the relationship. In one case, the person took it on and I nearly harmed myself. She desperately wanted to be pregnant to get away from an abusive mother. In the second case, the girl simply said, "Uh, no." I remember one other attempted date situation where I thought the best way to endear myself to the person -- or engender some pity -- was to tell her about my past. This, of course, freaked her out and she never spoke to me again.

Perhaps 4 years later, I was in a marriage to someone I had dated for two years. In general, I wasn't very happy with the marriage, but I didn't feel that way at the time. I felt a bit stagnant in my career and frustrated in general, but I didn't chalk it up to marriage issues. My wife's family was very sociable and happy and I worked in a firm where my brother-in-law happened to be a partner. (Total coincidence, for whatever it's worth.) My sister-in-law (my wife's sister) started to work for the firm, a very cute, attractive mother of three. She flirted with me and another person during most of the hours she worked. Nothing racy or provacative, mind you, but it was flirting. Even in retrospect, I think so and the other target of said flirting responded in kind.

At first, it excited me. I felt attractive, something which is very foreign to me. But eventually those feelings went directly into the "crush" type feelings I had experienced so many years before. I felt all the emotions as before, except something new that still hurts me today: shame. I hestiated to tell anyone and it took several months before I would go back to therapy. Of course, keeping it all in just made it worse, but letting it out did no better either. By the end of it all, I had spoken in therapy about it and with my wife.

I tried hard to get through it, but with no success and no answers. Every day, I would go into work full of extreme distress, timidly asking my brother-in-law if his wife were coming. If she wasn't, it was a greatrelief. If she were to show, I kept one eye on my work and one on the door and every single minute was agony. My boss noticed my distracted demeanor and I nearly burst into tears in front of him.

At some point, I lost the ability to cope. I spoke with my wife about divorce, which we both agreed to. I separated from her, quit myjob, and I moved to live with friends in a very remote part of Kansas. I ran away. Truly.

In Kansas I spoke openly about it with one of the friends there and told him that I felt fundamentally broken. I felt as if I could not have normal relationships due to some physiological condition that I could not resolve. While I did not ask him so directly, I requested that he assist me in commiting suicide. He declined, which was probably a good idea.

I was only in Kansas for a few months, moving back to take a new job. This was a pretty stable moment in my life except for one incident in which I happened to see the former target of my crush while driving one day. She passed in front of my car. I was driving, my boss was the passenger. He was a really nice guy and we got to know each other well enough that he knew I was having relationship issues. When I saw this person, I immediately broke into a sweat and lost my ability to think straight. I started to pull into traffic when my boss yelled at me to stop. I regained myself but felt emotionally shaken for days afterward.

About a year after moving back home, I met someone and we married in six months. I am married to her today. The relationship, while mundane and well past any infatuation, is normal. She's a good fit for me and I for her. Sure, there are things I wish she would change and things I wish I could change for myself, but I _think_ this is normal.

About two years after our marriage, I met a woman at a place I worked who was frustrated because her boyfriend would not commit to marriage. She confided in me through many late nights working with her alone. In time, I felt the crush and confessed to my wife what was happening. She felt threatened, but ultimately did not react badly. I explained it to her as an emotional problem -- which I suppose it is -- and she accepted my resolution to get to the bottom of it. Once again in therapy, this time with a different person, I worked on it to no avail. I eventually left that job and her for another job.

I have felt this way four times again since then. In each case, the person confides in me something intimate about themselves. They like me, so I think, and I respond in kind with intimate details, though more guardedly than in the past. Eventually I start to feel scared and then the feelings start in. In therapy, the best I've been able to come up with is to try to recognize the warning signs and to stay away from those people or situations. In one situation, with a person who was heavily complaining about not being around enough "men" when her husband was away, and nearly losing her skirt once while I was there, I was able to apply avoidance successfully. This was a business relationship and I had no need to make her a friend, so it was easier to compartmentalize it, I think.Still there was another who I attempted to take care of while she was dying of cancer. I didn't go away that time, but she did.

I think it a very big strength that I feel emotions strongly and that I can foster relationships with women that are, perhaps, beyond the norm for men and women. My best friendships are with people who can be emotional. In fact, despite my past, I seem to do well socializing nowadays. I worked for several years in my own business and made a lot of very loyal friends. I seem to connect with people and I don't know why. Today I just make friends easier. I take risks socially. I joke and speak publicly often. I got to parties and mingle with ease. I have friends and family who love me and, what's very new to me, I feel love from them.

But it feels like emotions -- what seems to endear people to me -- is what's destroying me when I feel crushes.

Today I am in this very same situation and am experiencing the full range of emotions. My wife and I have talked about it. This new target is a great friend. She loves me and has told me so. I try not to respond in kind. But it's the same situation. She's confiding in me about things that are intimate. They're just normal frustrations for a married woman with two kids. Nothing out of the ordinary. A little flirting, but it's harmless to her. I can feel the emotions building up in me, causing me stress. I am caring less about my work and am feeling weepy all the time. Each time I fall into this, the stakes are a lot higher. I have more to lose. But I feel that the only way I can cope is to run away. Again. I like her a lot and just want to be normal with her.

There are some common traits among the woman: They're typically unavailable (whether I'm unavailable or they are), attractive to me physically, caring in some fashion (though they may seem distant to some people), and they consider me a real friend.

Has anyone, for the love of God, experienced anything like this. Is there a way for me to cope? Can someone suggest a style of therapy that might help me? Am I doomed to be mostly friendless?

I can't go a whole day without offending someone.

Xurando — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 13:23:08 -0800

I can't go a whole day without offending someone. Should I be true to myself or please you? I am an honest forthright person. I usually say what's on my mind. My humor tends to be MiFi in nature (that's the way the Tookie crumbles).

Everyday I seem to say something that bothers someone. I seem to spend each day with the brakes on so as not to hurt or offend. As I told a friend I offended "my movie has been formatted to fit on your screen, but you'll never know what your missing". I find myself pulling away from relationships because I can't be myself. Am I being too sensitive to others sensitivities?

Approaching Another Couple

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Jan 2005 00:35:08 -0800

My girlfriend and I are friends with another couple whom we'd like to become, er, more intimate with. Unfortunately, they, like us, are very reserved, and don't tend to talk about sex, so we have no idea how to begin to broach the subject. The friendship is very important to us, and we don't want to ruin it. What should we do?

Friendship with an Ex?

amberglow — Fri, 22 Oct 2004 15:46:33 -0800

Friendship with an Ex? (added wrinkle: 17 year age difference, and of course, more inside) no, not me--i'm posting for a friend who needs advice from guys. A 40-year-old woman (looks younger) has a relationship with a 20-something guy for 2 years. They were best friends and lovers, and she taught him things, from house stuff to job stuff to love stuff. Now they've broken up (the guy now has his first "real" girlfriend who is 8 years older than him), and my friend misses the friendship they had together--they don't even speak at all now. She says, "I just have a problem with feeling like I lost a great friendship. I've never had a friendship with, nor dated anyone that much younger than myself and I wonder if this is just the way it works?"

Being a big fag (who always dates older guys), i'm not much help to her.

Can someone's standing be vitiated by honesty?

the fire you left me — Sun, 29 Aug 2004 12:42:06 -0800

Can someone's standing be vitiated by honesty? For example, telling someone they are fat and need to lose weight? For a brief time I gained weight. One day I realized what had happened and through excercise and dietary changes lost it all, and now look normal again. Yet, through the entire one year period, no one came up to me and said, "you've gained a lot of weight." Is it so hurtful to present an honest view to another person?