Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and friends

How do I break the "ice" with others (especially girls) and get closer with them?

rintako — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:54:44 -0800

How do I break the "ice" with others (especially girls) and get closer with them? Hi. I am a freshman in college. While I wasn't the most popular in high school, I was well known by many and had many girl friends, but no girlfriend, just flirted and played with some girls.

Anyway, what's been bothering me is that there are some people I talk to almost everyday in college but it's always the how are you, how's studying, how was your exam, what are you up to this weekend? I also haven't been able to meet as many girls as I would like to.

I was wondering if anyone could explain why this is. Is there a way to break the "ice" with these people and also with girls. It seems that I have trouble having a deep conversation with anyone other than how are you and some small talk about what's happening around on campus.

Thanks.

How have you made your best friends?

cymru_j — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:42:18 -0800

How have you made your best and most lasting friendships? I'm not conducting a study or anything; I just want to understand
friendship better and am curious what other people have experienced.
Where, how, or under what conditions have you made your most genuine friendships?

Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully.

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:41:30 -0800

Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully. Can it be done? I've known a guy for a total of 8 months, starting off initially as friends, but not very close at all. We are part of the same social circle and participate in a group activity together very regularly. Over time we became closer friends, flirted a hell of a lot, and eventually began a relationship.

Said relationship lasted about 2 months, when his behavior changed dramatically towards me. He made a lot of comments about "being friends" and has obviously been avoiding me. I asked him what was up and got a "I like you a lot, but not in that way" speech, which I expected. I'm okay with this. I'm pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere, but I still felt a little heartbroken and rejected nonetheless, so I've been avoiding him. It's been about 3 weeks now since this happened, and I'm over it and just want to go back to the way things were before.

So we're still part of the same social circle/group activity and are around each other pretty regularly, and he's obviously avoiding me. I'm just trying to be friendly, but it seems he doesn't want to talk to me unless it involves "business" about the group activity. He's done a few jerk things (imo), such as mentioning screwing another chick, in my presence.

I don't know if with the way he is acting that it is possible to go back to just friends or if he even wants to. I can't see anything I did that would make him not want to be friends with me at all. I'm really trying to play it cool as I can't really avoid him entirely. A friend who is aware of the situation thinks he feels bad about the situation, and I remind him of that, so that is why he's avoiding me. If age matters, we're in our mid-late 20's.

So, is it even possible? Is there something I can do to help this along? He is a cool dude, that I like spending time with, and I'm not so good at making close friends, so I don't want to lose one if I can help it. But if it seems like it's a no go, then damnit.

Am I the dick in this situation?

Venadium — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:33:52 -0800

A friend of mine is currently pretty pissed at me because I'm about to hang out with a girl that's friends with his ex's sister. In his mind it's only a matter of time before I'm hanging out with his ex too. Is he being an irrational dick, or will continuing to hang out with this girl only result in me getting a taste of my own dick medicine? I can understand where he's coming from as I was less than thrilled when my friends were hanging out with my ex, but that isn't exactly the case here.

How to deal with "I can't be in a relationship right now"?

mattsweaters — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:34:58 -0800

How to deal with "I can't be in a relationship right now"? I've been seeing a girl for a few months now and we've been getting really close and I've begun feeling very excited about us and attached. Until..I get the whole "I can't be in a relationship right now, can we just slow down?" talk and I'm having a hard time with it.

Now I should say I believe her and right now we're living a few hours apart. She has a lot to deal with and I wanted to see if we could slow things down, but the second this happened it felt like it just killed all the intimacy and fun from what we had [trips canceled, visit to my city no longer staying with me] and I feel like I should just move on.

So my question, Is it cold to just move on and cut off contact as as if this is a break up? Any mefites here have any experience in a similar situation? I've been feeling like a jerk for cutting her out because she does say she would like to try for something real in the future and that she needs to figure some things out in her life. And to be clear, the only reason I'm doing it is because I'm pretty heartbroken and I don't want to sit around waiting for someone to change their mind about how they feel about me. thanks!

being a supportive friends vs. patience

jalebi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 08:46:39 -0800

How can I support my good friend (and roommate) through a breakup, and not lose my patience? My friend and roommate broke up, or is going through an "it's complicated" with her boyfriend. They had a short (3 months) but intense relationship, with an emotional connection. Things have been difficult in the last 10 days or so, with them returning from an out of town trip together, which culminated in him telling her he's got some issues to work on, and thinks it's over, but there hasn't been an official "it's over over. She is hurt, rightfully upset and angry.

She is unemployed (but has some savings, and is applying to phd programs), and I work from home. So we're both home a lot, and I'm getting tired of the crying, knocking on my door, a couple of times at night after I was asleep, and listening to crying and replaying things for hours a day.

I want to be a supportive friend. I really do. I've brought her drinks to rehydrate after crying, offered to get food, taken long walks with her, heard everything about ten times, and am now spending hours with her just being melancholy. I am happy to sacrifice time to listen and support her, but upwards of 4-5 hours a day is hard.

I know she needs to grieve, in her own way. I know she needs to be heard and supported, but I am feeling emotionally drained. Over the course of the past 10 days, it hasn't gotten better.

What can I do to support her, but not lose my patience? Is there anything I can tell her to both help her grieve this relationship, and move forward? Is there any polite way of saying "I love you, I support you, I'm sorry you're in pain, but I'm kind of getting tired of you knocking on my door just so we can stare sadly into space for several hours?

How to be more comfortable being myself with people

Rowgun — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 12:31:49 -0800

How can I remove the "filter" from my mouth and be more authentic? Due to several factors (culture, family upbringing, working in customer-service focused jobs), I've found myself with a "Look on the bright side of life" filter on my mouth. I always try to say something nice, or laugh things off when someone says something mean. I've gotten so good at it that I hardly even realize I do it until someone points it out. This comes in handy in alot of situations but it has also made developing friendships/relationships very difficult.

People have often said it is very hard to get a read on my personality. I come off as aloof, and I don't feel comfortable sharing my true feelings and thoughts. To top it all off, I'm also an INTJ personality, which means expressing feelings and affection are not natural for me.

My question is, are there specific mental exercises I can do to help me relax, and be myself around people? Perhaps journaling, stream of consciousness writing? I've noticed having one beer can help me be more comfortable, but I'd rather not become dependent on that.

Any suggestions, advice, or personal experience would be greatly helpful.

From (v.early stage) dating to friends and all the way back - express ride to disaster or potential success?

coffee_monster — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 10:45:53 -0800

From (v.early stage) dating to friends and all the way back - express ride to disaster or potential success? Am mostly curious to find out if anyone had similar experiences and can enlighten me After reading AskMefi for quite a while am finally ready to post my first question (yay!). So, am mostly looking for other people's experiences and perspectives on the following situation: Me (early thirties lesbian), been single for two years now, did the requisite yoga and counselling after the break-up and started feeling good about myself again. In fact, so good that I started dating again a while ago. Had some disastrous meet-ups, some so-so, learnt some stuff about myself, collected some interesting stories, so far so good. A month ago I met someone online, went on four dates, had fun, conversation flowed easily, didn't really do much more than holding hands when in restaurant/at the movies but the chemistry was clearly there.
Yesterday, date number five, we meet over at my place, finally have a chance to be alone, spend some quality time together, and well, hopefully move beyond the hand-holding stage. Once again, a couple of hours of very nice conversation, I try to kiss her and she goes - whoa, whoa, that's too quick for me, and can we be friends first and then see how it works because this is how her two best relationships worked out best for her. As in, she was friends with somebody first for a couple of months-year and moved on from there.
Ok, I think I know where I stand on this - I believe being in a no (wo)man's land where we aren't exactly dating but are friends (who started out with what I thought was dating-related activities) with a view to dating at some unspecified time later on - that sounds like a recipe for emotional disaster and a lot of drama. So I am most probably not going to pursue this for now.
Or am I wrong and there are people out there who were in a similar scenario and can share with me whether and how it worked? Not really looking for advice what to do, as I said, I think I know what to do, but am quite puzzled about the whole situation and would appreciate hearing from others. I searched through a number of questions but can't find anything related.

me: "Hi!" you: "Hello" me: "um.." you: "...." me: "..." -> infinity

wiretap — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:16:09 -0800

How do I stop acting like a complete weirdo? It freaks people out, which freaks me out, which freaks them out more on and on in an infinite cycle. In many situations I seem to cause a lot of tension and nervousness/awkwardness to the people around me. I sincerely don't mean to but I'm not sure what to say/do or how to behave to put people at ease.

Some background and examples:

First of all, I've always been shy and introverted and have had issues giving off "mean" vibes growing up due to rarely smiling, and basically being that weird kid that everyone wonders what happens to after high school. I've had tremendous trouble making and keeping friends my whole life (while there is no shortage of people who are friendly to me, in the long run most people can't stand to be around me too often without being severely annoyed). In my early 20's I finally learned how to be a little more friendly and smile more and have obtained a large handful of acquaintances, but still have difficulty creating any sort of close intimate friendships.

I realize this is due to the way I act; there are many social rules I'm only learning now through the power of the internet. Sometimes I read about certain unacceptable behaviors and suddenly realize why entire groups of people have frozen me out of their lives in the past.

I've learned to dress more flatteringly, and apply makeup and style my hair, so at least I appear to be a normal person at first, but then once people start talking to me I say and do things (and probably have weird body language) that creeps people out. Examples:

When I see people I know I blurt out "Hi!" to them, which creates some sort of awkward moment. Usually they make an uncomfortable face and say "hi" back, but seem pretty weirded out regardless. I usually smile and if they're a little far away I'll throw in a wave which makes people even more uncomfortable, and sometimes they nervously laugh or look away. It seems rude not to say hi to them, but is there a different way to greet people that won't freak them out? This happens extremely often and makes me feel embarrassed and sort of sad. Am I being too enthusiastic?
Any place I go to get my hair or nails done I struggle to make small talk with the person doing my hair or nails. I'll laugh too much at small things (mostly out of nervousness) and smile a lot (too much) and not have anything interesting to talk about, then the remainder of the appointment is conducted in mostly silence. The hair stylist/manicurists are always nice to me but seem extremely relieved when I leave.
My "closer" friends aren't afraid to crack jokes around me, but I never have any funny things to say in response. I usually just laugh the whole time, and then they get irritated that I'm laughing too much. I have no clue how to spontaneously make funny observations (when I do, nobody laughs). Sometimes they get so exasperated that they start to pretend that I am no longer there.
I've never had a romantic relationship, ever. Guys have expressed interest but recoil once they get to know me a bit better. Unless I have something specific reason to speak, I am terrible to talk to on the phone and in real life. My conversations have a lot of long, awkward pauses for which I have nothing to relieve with a joke or anything at all.
I especially freak out mid/upper class and highly educated people. If I'm with my sister they're very receptive around her but alone, they try to avoid me. Admittedly, I start to get more nervous when I realize my presence is making other people uncomfortable which makes me even more nervous which makes THEM more nervous, etc.

I'm awkward! This is not normal human behavior. It annoys everyone and it's affecting my social life, my professional life, everything. I get the same reactions around my family as well.

How do I even begin to stop being so weird?

Lunch with female friends other than your girlfriend is ok?

salsa buena — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 10:20:43 -0800

I have a girlfriend and my best friend is female. Should I feel guilty having lunch with my friend? Me and my girlfriend have been talking lately. She really feels that the fact that I don't mention that I have lunch with my friend makes her a bit suspicious. We have both acknowledged that she can get a little jealous of my friend because we're close. I've been with my gf for 3 years now and I've known my friend for 20 years. Me and my friend have never been intimate and my gf knows her personally.

Now, she is asking me to inform her every time I go to lunch with my friend or any other female for that matter whether its a friend or a co-worker. I wouldn't ask the same of her, I would just trust her and believe that she wouldn't do anything to disrespect our relationship.

Part of me is saying I shouldn't give in to this request because I'd feel like I have to report what I'm doing or whom I spend my money on just to put her insecurity at ease. If I give in, what's next?

Another part of me wishes to want to make her feel at ease. I love the fact that she talked to me about what is bothering her and I really want to come to a solution. Not sure where to go from here.

Best practices for seducing someone after having the "just friends" talk

Jacen Solo — Tue, 26 May 2009 16:48:16 -0800

I met this girl, and we were sorta-dating for a couple of weeks, before eventually she decided she wasn't up for dating anyone at the moment and we had the "just friends" talk. I'm fine with that, but would like AMF's advice on best practices for making her have second thoughts. This is less of a bad idea than it might seem, I promise. So about a month ago, I met this girl at a party (at school; we both go to the same college). We ended up flirting pretty heavily, and over the next couple of weeks things progressed positively. While we never "officially" got into a relationship, there was lots of making out (and a bit beyond), a few dates, lots of IM-flirtation, she slept over a couple of times, etc. And we connect really well with each other; not only is the "chemistry" there, but we both ended up sharing a lot of pretty intimate details about our past experiences, family lives, life philosophies, and so on. Awesome, right?

After a these first couple of weeks, though, when it was starting to get to the "are we officially going out?" stage, she was giving mixed signals and backing out. The interesting part is why... and she was kind enough to explain this in some detail. The main factor seemed to be that she had only had "bad" relationships in the past, where she ended up dating the guy because she felt sorry for him, and the relationship ended up feeling like a chore instead of something wonderful. Since I was different—actually attractive and interesting, apparently—she wasn't sure what to do there, as I didn't fit into her paradigm for dating people and she was afraid she'd lose me as a cool friend. She also explained that she was afraid of falling in love too quickly (in the sense of becoming emotionally dependent on the other person's happiness), as she's done that in the past. And finally, there were some issues related to her recent problems with depression and how her mom disapproves.

So, about a week ago, we had the "just friends" talk. This actually went really well, and I'm happy with it—she is really cool, and a great person to have as a friend. The funny part is that, over the course of this talk, she was explaining things like how girls (in generality, apparently) often start crushing on good friends and warm up to a relationship over time, and how she'd like nothing better than to keep me "in the wings" reserved for when she feels ready for a relationship. Also highly amusing, I thought, was that soon after agreeing to be just friends, she was saying "wow, I feel like I could totally go see a movie with you now" and was making plans for doing things in the near future. (In fact, we have a fancy dinner-date soon... as "just friends.") But of course we both were in agreement that me waiting around was not such a great idea, and soon enough we were swapping thoughts about other girls.

Now, as far as I can tell, this definitely has the potential for developing over the longer term. I don't have one-itis; I'm not going to wait around for that—hell, I'm flirting with other girls left and right, now that I'm sure that I'm actually single. But I do really like this girl, and would like to accelerate the process wherein she reconsiders the "just friends" decision, as it seems pretty clear from the above that after she gets over some mental blocks, that's exactly what's going to happen... I'd just rather not wait around too long. So I turn to you, my dear readers, to help me out: what are the best practices for seducing someone back in this kind of situation? Things like... is mentioning/flirting with other girls around her likely to increase my status as a "catch," or is it just tactless? What kind of behaviors solidify the "hey he's really attractive, hmm, maybe that was a mistake" kind of thinking, as opposed to the "oh wow, I'm so glad we're just friends" kind of thinking? My cautious instincts are to back off and let her initiate anything, but my impression is that this actually would just degrade things. Or is this actually reasonable, in a sort of "make her miss me" kind of way? I'm asking for "best practices" instead of just "tips" since I'm also interested in how to approach this situation in a tactful, nice, and friendship-preserving way; it's not just a goal-oriented question.

Any more general advice on this situation would probably be welcome too. Thanks!

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP!

anonymous35 — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:42:49 -0800

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP! Some pretext before you start reading: I'm a pretty conservative guy. I've only had one serious relationship in the past (for one year and it ended badly when I started attending college). The prospect of one-night stands aren't that appealing to me. In the four years I attended undergrad, I've had opportunities to 'hook up' with girls but decided to pass if there wasn't a prospective of a relationship. In short, I was always looking for that special connection with someone. I never found it throughout college (in part because I wasn't actively looking; instead I sacrificed the latter two years of my social life for academics). Things changed recently with a person I never ever thought of as a potential girlfriend.

Here are the details:

I'm 23, recently graduated and work full time. She's 20, and will be a rising junior at the school I graduated from. We are both from the same hometown but school separates us 100 miles apart during the semester.

We met through a mutual friend, actually her ex-boyfriend (and only bf) of two years. I consider him a good friend and while the two were dating, it NEVER crossed my mind that I could see her as a potential girlfriend. However, they had a falling out as soon as she left for her freshman year (my senior year); they don't speak to each other anymore, I don't speak to him at all anymore, (and he has moved four states over).

Things started heating up this past winter when she came back from school and I had time off from work. We hung out on a daily basis, and although there was nothing intimate, there was a special bond forming between us. Daily hugs were long and drawn out, we would hold hands and cuddle on the couch for movies. After she left to go back for school, I thought that would be the end of communication, but she constantly texted me, which would follow up with me calling her every two or three days. I would never call her on the weekend out of respect for her space and allowing her to 'enjoy the social college scene'. Plus, I didn't want to be a burden if I called everyday. Conversations would be filled with nothing and everything, and for the first time in a long time, I finally felt that special connection. We flirted through text and I talked about going to visit her. However, things reached a boiling point when I mentioned the idea of visiting her for valentine's day, in which she abruptly told me that the flirting had to stop. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship, wanted to explore her options with other guys but wanted us to stay amicable and be 'friends'. Yes, the dreaded F word. Caught in the moment, and in an act of desperation, I told her everything that was on my mind and how I felt about her, how it was only the beginning of something special, and how I didn't want to lose that. It culminated into me running out of words to say and us deciding to take a break from talking to let things cool.

Fast forward two weeks later (late Feb). I caved. I texted her a simple, 'how are you doing', and this vicious cycle continued again. Flirting. Laughing. Long passionate hugs and holding hands. Pretending everything was the same again before that 'talk'. She would now start sending emails to me at work. I visited her a few times, with the first time slept over (but on her couch), and most recently (about a month ago) slept over with her. However, things did not get intimate, and I did not want to bring up the issue in an effort to avoid that awkwardness. Note: a main reason why I am attracted to her is that she is very conservative and although we didn't get intimate, I definitely felt it was progress from both sides.

Two weeks ago, I went back to school for a big concert and she knew I would be in town, however, not a single call or text Fri or Sat. I gave her a call and we met up for a picnic Sun. Things were going smoothly until I dropped her off, and in a jokingly way said 'hey, you never called me the last few days'. She shrugged it off and said 'you know we are really good friends. You have your friends at home and I have mine at school'. We left things at that
and there have been one or two texts between us the last two weeks. I've tried to give her space by not calling her at all, especially since final exams are this week. But in the last few days, I feel like salt is being poured on my open heart wound - on her facebook, she's been flirting with a new guy non-stop whom she met through her best friend at school.

I have not said or mentioned a single word to her about this new guy, nor have I called her in almost two weeks. However, in the past five months, if there was a lull in the communication I would call her and things would be 'back to normal' and have escalated progressively each time. This is where my ambivalence sets in - I can't help to think that if I cut her off completely, then I would lose out on the opportunity. The only reason I am seriously contemplating contacting her is that I just don't want to look back and regret not doing enough at the time.

Perhaps in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that something 'great' would eventually develop out of this 'not so much friends, yet not gf/bf' relationship. However, it has become too taxing on my heart, with all the rollercoaster up and downs associated with it. I feel like I am perpetually trying to catch that prized fish, I know exactly where it is, keep dipping in the water, but only get nibs back. If I continue to try, will I eventually catch it?
I told myself I would never want to be the guy that would do all the chasing, and in order for a relationship to work, both sides would have to put in equal weight. In some aspects this hurts more than my first (and only) serious relationship post-break up. For my first relationship, the timing was right but the connection (looking back now) wasn't that great. Now, in my current situation, the connection is off the charts, but the timing is a little off. I am extremely attracted to her physically but can't see us being only friends.

I'm stuck in a rut now and I don't know which way to turn. The past year since my graduation has been a downward spiral. I had a great paying job with a career path set up, but was laid off due to the economy two months into 'the real world'. Returned back home and found another job, live at home, and give half my paycheck to my folks to help out with the mortgage because my father lost his job as well. The opportunities to meet women are bleak, since the demographics within the new company are middle-aged and with families.

So which way do I turn? Run for the hills and cut her off (something I don't think I am ready for yet), or continue to keep it casual (even though it burns like hell to find out about this new guy)? I am still (foolishly perhaps) holding onto the hope that when she gets back home for the summer, we would have more time together as she wouldn't be bogged down with schoolwork and the distance.

I sincerely appreciate any advice you guys have. Thanks for listening (and reading).

Should I try to date him or is it already too messy?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 20:47:51 -0800

Should I try to date him or is it already too messy? I've recently learned that a casual friend (Person A) is attracted to me. While I don't feel the same way (I feel neutral about it), I'm not averse to a couple dates to see if my interest is piqued.

However . . . I have a bit of a history with one of his friends (Person B). This is not something anyone knows. This friend is in a relationship and even if he wasn't, I'd be unlikely to pursue something. But I am maddeningly attracted to him and have enabled him in a few instances of infidelity. I'm not trying to explain or condone my decisions, it is what it is.

Person A, from what I know of him, is funny and intelligent and sometimes kind of an ass. Whether he is the kind of an ass I can accept in a relationship (dating or more significant) has yet to be decided. I guess the only way to find out is to date him. I'm not terrifically carnally attracted to him (unlike my feelings for Person B who I'd spend a week in bed with), but that often changes when I get to know someone.

But I'm hesitant. I'm a bit blase about fidelity (I try to remain faithful, but don't beat myself up if I slip as I have a couple times) and to be honest, I'm not sure that I wouldn't slip with Person B. If I started dating Person A, I don't know that Person B would see that as a boundary, frankly. The possibility of our hooking-up would likely be the same as with me being single. Or maybe not because there's a friend involved (bros before hos?)

I guess I'm worried about my track record and Person B's track record and how it could affect Person A if (hypothetically) the dates lead to something significant. Like I said, I'm neutral about Person A, but I'd like to give him a chance since I like him as a person and he's put himself out there, which I think is commendable and scary.

But is there already too much to navigate? I mean, I'm never certain that I have the capacity to be faithful, but I usually don't let that stop me from dating. I go with it, try to be good, deal with consequences if I have to (it's happened far less than I make it sound, but it has happened). But A and B are friends.

My indiscretions with B have been infrequent, but there was a recent makeout, the day before A asked me out. If it hadn't been for that, I would have accepted a date, no questions asked.

Does the potential bad outweigh the potential good of dating person A? Or should I just go for it?

(We're all in our late 20s/early 30s. I'd rather not have lectures about the wrongness of hooking up with someone in a relationship. There's a throwaway notmadamebovary@gmail.com for those who want it).

Lost in translation?

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:35:00 -0800

Please help me find a way to support my boyfriend's integration into my culture... Here’s the background of my dilemma: I have been going out with my current boyfriend for about five months – we have started dating a couple of months after I finished with my previous partner.

My previous boyfriend is a very friendly guy and got on well with all of my friends. We decided to break-up but remained friends and every time I meet someone, they ask about him, etc etc (the guy was very popular amongst my friend base).

Now, I have been going out with someone new, who pretty much ‘ticks every box’. This relationship has a lot of potential, it is likely that we are going to stick together for quite some time. It’s been great. But…

The dilemma – I originally hail from a South American country and many of my friends also come from there. I have been living in London for quite some time now and have managed to adapt to the culture and lifestyle pretty well.

I do realise, however, that many of my friends are kind of stuck in some sort of ‘cultural isolation’ – i.e. hesitate a lot before eating anything that does not resemble food they are not used to/don’t know, still struggle with English, etc.

My relationship is great but at the same time, it is important that my partner fits into my group of friends, at least to some extent. My boyfriend is great and I love him, but being English, sometimes it is noticeable that there is a ‘cultural disconnect’ going on when it comes to him interacting with my friends.

When he comes to visit, he will often stay in my room instead of chatting with my flatmates about trivial things, for example. When it comes to striking conversation, my friends find it hard to relate to him (from their end, he is much more cultured and intelligent and from his end, it looks like he is not that open to talking to relative strangers about more ‘personal’ things such as ideas around life and relationships etc – Latin cultures are very open and people talk about their emotions a lot).

There have been two instances where my friends either said he is ‘boring’ or that it is difficult to talk to him. On the other hand, I (obviously) don’t find it difficult to relate to him at all – he is fun, kind, warm-hearted and intelligent. But he has a different kind of sense of humour to that of my friends (which can be quite ironic and self-deprecating at times and they don’t quite get it).

Worth mentioning that he has signed up for a language course in order to understand my friends and family better (we are planning to visit my country in a couple of months) and is increasingly interested in current affairs at my country and etc. This is all positive, but doesn’t seem to be contributing to the issue mentioned above.

Another point is that, when he was chatting with other friends of mine from NZ or Australia or other Anglo-Saxon cultures, he did not have any issues in relating to them.

I am a bit confused as to what I should do to stimulate some interaction between him and my Latin friends. I do love him, want to be with him regardless of what people think and this is not a major issue yet, but I am a little nervous that his may become a significant issue if in future we decide to move to my country, for example.

The question is, how should I approach the issue again without hurting him? I say ‘again’ because have discussed this before but nothing has really changed – apart from the fact he is buying more drinks to my mates, maybe as an attempt to get conversation going…he mentioned he does want to make an effort to get on with people who are important to me.

Tips from English people who have managed to integrate into a different culture also appreciated, thanks for reading my question!

How do I maximize the odds of a good outcome when I tell my friend I'm in love with him?

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 12:57:02 -0800

I'm in love with my friend. I'm going to tell him, but not for a few months. A) What do I do in the meantime? B) Any dos/don'ts for when I tell him? C) How do I both hope for the best and keep my expectations in check so I don't get hurt if he's not interested? D) Any way I can feel him out for signs of interest? I'm a woman in my 30s. I've been friends with this man for 22 years. For many of our adult years he was unavailable for dating and so not-an-option that I never gave it a thought. A few years ago that changed. For the past two years or so I have been very much interested in him, in fact, I think I'm in love with him. For various reasons including the value I place on our friendship and the fact that I was dating someone else during part of that time, I have not seen fit to pursue this, but now it's clear to me that this is not going away.

This is both an emotional/physical attraction (I want to be with him) and a sincere belief that by all logical/rational/detached measures we are vary compatible: we she are the same values, want the same things from our lives, see eye to eye on things like money, kids, places to live, family, religion, politics etc.

We do not currently live in the same city, but we talk on the phone maybe 3 times/week and we email almost-daily. I am going to be in his city in 3 months for a conference. After the conference we will spend 4 days together hanging out and I'll be staying at his place. Beginning a few weeks after that we will be living in the same city. I would like to tell him at the end of this trip, just before getting on the plane and heading home. My plan is to tell him over breakfast and then head straight to the airport.

My thinking here is that telling him just before I go will give him some time to think about it before responding. I plan to suggest that he give it some thought, because I think this will be unexpected to him. Even if he knows right away what he thinks, it will be less awkward this way and we can start fresh (as friends or as more) in a few weeks when we're living in the same city again. Also, if I should end up terribly hurt by this, I would rather be alone with my hurt.

Oh, and when I say "tell him" I don't think I intend to tell him that I'm in love with him (title notwithstanding), which would probably be a bit much. I would tell him that I am interested in pursuing more than friendship. I do understand that it's possible we could date for a few weeks or months or years and discover that it really doesn't work. I get that, but I think it will work and I want to try.

His feelings: Unclear. At times I kind of get the sense he might be interested. Occasionally he will say something along the lines of "what I really admire about you is X" where X is something he has told me he wants in a partner. He compliments my appearance/clothing sometimes, but that's also just a polite thing to do so I don't want to read too much into it. He shows a lot of interest in my life. He's said to me "what you need is someone who Y" where A) He's absolutely right and B) Y describes him pretty well. Things like that. But he's also very clueless and so I could absolutely see him sending signals unintentionally, especially since I'm searching for signals. And I could see him not sending signals even if he does feel some attraction or desire for more.

So my questions are:

A) How do I handle my relationship with him up until I see him/tell him?

I think he's unlikely to start dating someone in that time, but he does occasionally tell me about someone interested in him, who he is not interested in. THis makes me feel awkward since I have an obvious conflict of interest that he doesn't know about.

Anything I can do between now and then to maximize the chance that when I finally tell him he will be interested? I feel it can't hurt to make sure I'm as hot as possible when I get there (extra workouts, lots of moisturizing, I'll get my hair done, get everything waxed etc. before I go). I'm trying to be a particularly good friend to him, but in practice there's not a lot to do here. There's only so much you can be "extra good" at chatting. Anything else I should do?

B) Any thoughts on what I should say/how to make my case when I tell him? Feel free to write an actual script. I expect to be stammering and I may need one. Oh, and the classic AskMe advice, get drunk and kiss him, is not an option. I know him well enough to know that it would turn him off even if he were into me.

C) I'm really scared of getting hurt. What if anything can I do to protect or shield myself a little. I don't want to resort to belittling self-talk about how there's no way he could possible be interested in me and I shouldn't hope for anything. On the other hand, I realize that my hoping could lead to some very deep disappointment.

D) Is there anyway short of asking him to find out if a clueless man (too clueless to send or receive subtle signals, trust me I know this from many other things I know of him) is interested in more than friendship? If I try feeling him out and it seems he's not interested, should I drop it or tell him anyway?

E) Other thoughts or advice that I may not have thought to ask are welcome.

Sorry for the length of the question, but that's hard to avoid with anon questions, I guess.

throwaway email: hopeitsrequited@gmail.com

How to stay true?

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 12:38:19 -0800

From "just friends" to "more than friends"; and tips for staying true in a monogamous relationship? I recently (as of a month ago) started dating my best friend. He had been very much in love with me for a long time, and I was always adamant that I would *never* see him that way.

Somehow, praise Jebus, something clicked and changed inside my head and I saw that I absolutely could see him that way. I have very narrow criteria for a life partner (things like must be vegan, choice of religion, etc. ) and he has always fit all of these things perfectly. Add to that he's been my best friend for years and we spend so much time together having fun, and he's adorable, and I don't know what took me so long.

Its weird adjusting to boyfriend/girlfriend after so long of "just friends", but its going well overall. Even though he's objectively very handsome, my feelings of physical attraction to him are slowly but steadily building, which is fine by me, and he's being very patient. It's certainly a change from the instant chemistry of other relationships I've had, but it feels permanent.

If I mess this up, I cannot fathom how I could ever again find a guy so perfectly matched to me and also as in love with me and devoted to me as he is.

Still there is a small part of me that at times feels very restless and trapped. Its a very small part of my lizard brain that I'm determined to ignore, and the impulses I would act on if i gave in, I know would lead down a miserable road.

In fact, the only time I ever remember being utterly free of these impulses, I was in a really bad relationship with a man who was a a total asshole who made a point of letting me know how I would never measure up to his ex girlfriend and he was not in love with me. I was so insanely infatuated with him and so caught up in the thrill of the chase/drama, that I didn't have a spare moment to let my mind wander to other guys.

So the question is, now that I'm in a relationship that's perfectly healthy and wonderful and what I want to be in for the rest of my life, how can I reduce my random pangs for what I know I really don't want?

I'm looking for mental exercises, behavior modifying techniques, or just personal anecdotes from people in monogamous relationships on how you make yourself more fully committed.

Three disclaimers:
1)I'm can't afford therapy, and there really isn't much in the way of free services I have access to.
2)I think polyamory is way rad for some people, more power to them, but it's not for me.
3)I've never cheated on anyone in the past, nor do I ever plan to. I just want help on avoiding impulses to stray or at least lessening them.

Should I look her up and contact her after all this time?

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 08:51:19 -0800

I've been out of contact with a certain friend for about five years now. She'd been dealing with bipolar (and relationship) issues for a while before then, but I'd never witnessed any signs myself. On a lark I recently decided to see if she was in the customer database at work, and she was, but I didn't open the profile. I've worried about her from time to time, but while it's tempting, I don't feel like I should look up her contact info that way. Is there any circumstance under which I could or should? Our mutual friends had fallen out of contact as well, but if any of them have gotten in touch recently, I wouldn't know since I haven't heard from them myself the past few months. So that sort of rules out getting their opinion on the matter.

If it weren't for her personal problems, I'd figure I had nothing to lose by just moving on, and would assume that if she wanted to resume contact, she'd have taken the first step long ago. And I readily admit that calling or writing her from a number/e-mail I found would be too weird.

But considering her (past?) condition, is it possible she'd actually like to hear from an old friend after all this time, regardless of what leads to it? Would it be any different than looking her up in the phone book (AFAIK she's not on any social sites)? Have any of you with first-hand experience in such matters had situations like this? If she'd been going through something when she disappeared, I could see how it might be awkward for her to get in touch again now. Of course, her contact info could be outdated so this could all be moot.

It'd mean a lot to see her again, but I definitely don't want to go about it the wrong way. Any questions, write metafilterrific@hotmail.com. Thanks.

How do I read people's interest?

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 17:58:10 -0800

SocialSkillsFilter: How can I become better at reading people, and telling whether or not someone is interested in pursuing a friendship farther? Some background: I am a male high school senior, fairly shy/nerdy, but in the past year or so, I've opened up and started going to parties and hanging out with more people. I have never had an actual relationship with anyone. I am (I'm pretty sure) good at talking to people, making jokes, causing laughs, smiling, making eye contact, etc.

However, I have great difficulty in reading people. A while back, I started hanging out with one friend a lot more (though not too much outside of school/school activities), we got along really well, lots of laughing, teasing, etc. When I asked her out on a date, it turned out that she wasn't interested at all.

So, how can I become better at telling whether or not someone is interested in pursuing things farther? And (though this may seem really obvious), what is the best way to tell them that I am interested/ask them out?

Sorry if this seems too "peuggh hiiigh schoool," but that's the way it is.

How do I deal with rejection?

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 04:48:35 -0800

Need help to resolve this situation with my maybe ex-best friend/boyfriend. Since May, I have been going out with an amazing guy, which happens to be a friend for the past five years. We have "officialised" the relationship during a holiday a couple of months ago and eveything was going well. Up until Saturday.

Before I get into this, let me give you some background: when I met this guy five years ago, he was infatuated with this girl (which I'll call S). S had a lover back in her country and was going out with K, who is a married father of four children. When he decided to move out of their country (same country I am from), she followed him to be his mistress over here also.

When my boyfriend met S, she was in a state that was beyond depression, broke, no friends and brokenhearted as this guy kept pushing her away and asking her to come back (as it often happens in that sort of relationship). So she found in my boyfriend a shoulder to cry on and he was progressively falling in love with this girl. Nothing happened, though I know, as he was just my friend in the past, that he was actually keen. They developed a friendship that last until today and they seem to have a strong bond.

Now fast forward to last Saturday. Everything was going extremely well between us, and he says that he loves me a number of times (just saying that to put it into context). Whilst he was cooking dinner, he asked me to get the laptop in the living room and put some music on. Then, when I open the laptop...there was a Facebook page, with a thread of mesages between my boyfriend and S. THey use really loving terms, like I love you, I miss you, can't wait to hear your voice, etc. I know this is bad, and I am not asking for approval on this, reading his Facebook email. But it said something that hit me like as if I'd been stabbed: a month or so ago, I thought I was pregnant. It was just a scare and I told him, but apparently the whole episode shocked him as he realised he wasnt ready. Then the email said: "it wouldn't be an issue [pregnancy] if I was in love with her (me)."

Then I went to the kitchen and had a semi-confronting chat with him. I asked him whether he simply loved me as a friend or someone he wanted to be with for some time. He said he wasn't sure. Then he started sobbing and a few things transpired. He was actualy investigating ways to get a job at my country (I invited him to go back next year) but never told me, for example. I said I was leaving but he continued crying and asked me to stay.

I genuinely believe that nothing has happened between those two, but I am not sure whether everything is lost or not. I have fallen in love with him but now I feel betrayed, sad and hurt as we never discussed this difference in the way we feel. And the fact that S is a constant shadow in our relationship is something that is hard to live with.

I am going travellinmg until FRiday and we'll maybe talk then. I am not sure whether this has ended or what, but we have an amazing time together, the best sex, we both progressed considerably in life since we have been together, but sometimes I wonder if its a matter of him not knowing whether he is "in love" since I have been a friend for so long? I said he loves me many times, that he really enjoys my company and that he feels emotionally drained and empty after all this and that his feelings for me have not changed since our chat.

Apologies as perhaps I am not being that coherent above and hope it is not too difficult to understand the facts. I have never fought for any guy, but I love him and want to do that if I need to. BUt how? And if we manage to sort this out, how do I discuss the "S issue"? How to revive the relationship after all this stress?

And if it turns out that we have to end it, how do I cope with being rejected by my best friend/lover? Do all the normal break-up rules apply here?

Is there any hope on this situation? Your thoughts are much appreciated...

Should I move out of boyfriend's, and into best friend's?

Elysum — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 00:08:16 -0800

How bad a faux pas would it be to move out of a (multi-person) shared house with a new but lovely boyfriend, and into my best friend's house instead? A FWB, became a housemate, and in the last few months, a boyfriend. Despite some initial confusion, everything seems to be going really well.

But. A room has finally come open in my best friend's house.
Best friend... sounds so highschool?
This is the person I would most like to hang with, travel with, live with, and according to the old saw, accompany to move bodies with etc (I don't find the last one very funny :( ).

So, exactly how bad would you consider it to have a new partner want to move out, and go live with their best friend & several other friends, instead?

To explain, in my shiny happy world, I'm all 'Yay! Friends!', my first thought is that I would understand if he felt the same situation. Let's just assume I have some-times socialisation problems, in a slightly 'aspie' happy-shiny world kinda way, and I often don't realise the social implications and consequences of certain actions, until they are explained to me in small (or big) words, at which point I can take them into account.

I have a sinking feeling this might be one of those situations. Rather than getting into a mess -
I was just going to ask/tell him directly, but I'm worried it might be one of those sorts of situations where someone would say "Sure, do whatever you need to do" even if they didn't feel that way, and put a brave face on it.

And if so, if I just try to feel out they'd feel about it, if were hurt by the idea then they may not be able to explain it in the best/clearest of ways?

And therefore, I'd appreciate a gauge of opinions?

How to "stay in touch"?

abdulf — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 10:13:24 -0800

How do you keep in touch with friends and relatives over long distances? I have a lot of friends and relatives who I am not necessarily close to, but would like to be. They're good people, but we rarely ever see each other due to living far away.

I have the tools - cell phone, internet, mail.

I don't really know how to use them effectively.

How often should I be calling people? Once a week? Month? Special holidays? I generally stick to major holidays.

What about people that I never talked to before I became an "adult"? Like older uncles and aunts and younger cousins or nieces and nephews (like 10 years younger). How do you keep in touch when the ties are by blood, but they're just neutral.

I basically don't know what to say to people. If you got a routine you use or some concrete examples, I would appreciate it. I've read books on cold-calling and networking, and what I want is a more substantive relationship.

I need a frame of mind to approach this, maybe some idea that it's ok to have varying degrees of strength in a relation, maybe some advice that people don't necessarily get offended when I don't call.

my friends suck

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 06:53:19 -0800

What to do when you find out that one of your friends cheated on his girlfriend (who is also a friend?) The complicated explanation: My good friend has been unhappy with his (1.5+ year) relationship for a while: his girlfriend treats him like a child, doesn't trust him, checks his text messages, etc. He has told me repeatedly over the past 6 months that he's not sure he wants to be in a relationship and has also said that he and his gf have come close to breaking up several times.

He responded to his unhappiness and the lack of trust by proving his current girlfriend right and sleeping with his ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago. The ex-girlfriend is a friend of mine, and told me about it this weekend.

The most awkward part by far is that I am also friends with the girlfriend. I confronted the guy about it today, he admitted that it happened and that is was a mistake and a shitty thing to do, but also said that he doesn't want to tell his girlfriend about it. I feel really awkward about the whole situation and wish I didn't know about it at all. If he's not going to tell her, it seems like a breach of "girl-code" to keep her in the dark about her boyfriend's asshole behavior. I don't really know where to proceed from here.

Did I read the signs wrong, or am I being lied to?

thescientificmethhead — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:29:57 -0800

I just got rejected by a girl whom I was certain had wanted me to make a move. I am very confused now. If anyone wants to venture a guess as to what happened I would appreciate it. Long story after the jump. I’m a 22 year old male. All of my life I’ve suffered from a confidence deficit in my relations with women (girls), mostly as a result of believing that I am too ugly to win the affections of an attractive girl. I’ve had one serious girlfriend who is also the only person I’ve had sex with, and that relationship ended roughly three years ago. Since then I haven’t shared contact with the opposite gender outside of friendly conversation. I’ve made an art and bad habit out of unrequited love.

Recently I’ve been investigating the power of positive thinking and the notion that the scenes of our life are not external and separate from us, but are actually mirroring our internal conditions. From this line of thought I came to the realization that my lack of confidence and expectation of failure was what was keeping me from the relationships with women that I wanted. From this perspective the history of my repeated failures with the fairer sex (as I remembered it) seemed completely different to me. Before this paradigm shift I had seen myself as a hopelessly ugly and inept victim, doomed to long for the beautiful and alluring specimens of femininity that crossed my path but never deserving to see those feelings returned. And now, when I revisited those scenes from my past I saw that many lovely ladies had been well within my grasp, and most likely waiting for me to reach out to them, to “make the first move,” which my fear (grounded in my certainty of rejection) prevented me from ever attempting. I imagined the scenarios as I remembered them from the other person’s perspectives, and became aware that I actually may have been hurting these beautiful people and calling myself the victim!

Moving along: Last school year I started hanging out with this guy, who I will call Tom, and he is now one of my best friends. Tom has a girlfriend named Martha. They met first year of college and have been dating steadily for nearly four years. They are very close, each other’s first lovers and all that. Because of the young lovers’ affinity for each other, I soon found myself hanging out with both of them fairly often, and the three of us have spent a good deal of time together over the past year. Martha is a beautiful girl, and very sweet, yet somehow I managed to conduct a platonic friendship with her without ever developing an infatuation, which is historically what I’ve done in similar situations. I was happy enough just being her friend, without wondering if I would ever hold her in my arms, and I enjoyed hanging out with her and Tom enough that those kinds of questions never bothered me.

Earlier this summer Tom was out of town for a month. During this time Martha made several unsolicited visits to my roommate and I’s apartment (Martha’s apartment is just down the street, about a ten minute walk). The first time was on a Saturday, and she was wearing what I perceived to be a very sexy outfit. I thought it odd that she was so “done-up” on a weekend when her man was out of town. Also, Martha had never come by our place on her own while Tom was around, it would always be in her presence. My roommate and I joked that it seemed like Martha was looking for some love while Tom was gone. I tried to put it out of my mind, but a day later Martha sent me a text message asking if I wanted to watch a movie over at her place. This is also something that had never happened previously, let alone when Tom was around. I thought that the invitation seemed like a hook up line. Martha is a great girl and I would be privileged to be with her, but ultimately I sided with loyalty to my friend, as I couldn’t in good conscience make a move on his girlfriend while he was away. Martha came by again one evening after work while I was home alone. We talked for a while but I was careful to not intimate anything beyond platonic interest. She excused herself to leave as she had to be up early the next morning, and when she got to the door she paused and turned around and sort of arched herself toward me in a gesture that I interpreted as very suggestive body language, and said, “By the way, Tom is getting back next week, not this week.” Then she left. Now, maybe I was projecting what I wanted to see onto what Martha was actually communicating, but that statement sounds to me like she was saying “Why don’t we have some fun while my boyfriend is still out of town?”

As far as opportunities for great spontaneous sexual relations go, this scenario was a perfect storm. But I did what I thought at the time was the right thing and resisted temptation. So Tom returned and things got back to normal more or less. He did seem somewhat ill at ease with the information that Martha had been coming by my apartment while he was gone, which indicated to me that he had the same suspicions about her motives as I had. I never mentioned any of this to Tom, since nothing had happened from it and I didn’t see the purpose in telling someone “Hey, I think you’re girlfriend was acting real slutty while you were out of town.” As time went by, however, I began imagining what things would’ve been like if I had responded to Martha’s advances, and I started to regret that I had let what seemed like a golden opportunity to be with someone I really like pass me by, leaving my already uneventful romantic life unchanged. This regret festered inside of me until I made the decision to seize the missed opportunity, or at least create a second opportunity.

Tom left town again last week, and the same day that he left I messaged Martha to ask if she wanted to get together over the weekend as I suddenly and unexpectedly had a house all to myself. She got back to me a couple of days later and said that she was going to make some popcorn and watch a movie and that I was welcome to join her. Doesn’t that sound like a ‘date’ scenario to anybody besides me? Well I got it into my mind that I was going to finally close the deal with this beautiful girl who I thought had been begging me to make a move. With confidence in myself and love for all sentient beings everywhere in the universe I drove to meet her.

We chatted while making popcorn, watched some Olympics, and then tried to start the movie but the disc was not cooperating. I interpreted this technical malfunction as a sign from the universe to quit stalling and make my move (an interpretation I also ascribed to an Olympic commentator’s use of the phrase “first erection” to describe a gymnast’s maneuver). Sitting beside her on a loveseat I turned to face her and said, “Obviously I’m terrible at making the first move, so is it alright if I kiss you?” And she said “No,” which I had not expected. I asked her why and she said, “I’m with Tom. I just couldn’t do that to him.” At this time I wasn’t hurt or broken, but I did feel something that I think must be akin to shock. I just couldn’t believe it. I had been so confident of my success, and so sure of the signals I thought she had been sending. After a moment of thought I asked her, “But weren’t you coming on to me while Tom was out of town?” She said that she hadn’t, that her visits had all been made in the spirit of friendship, and that “I guess everybody just perceives things very differently.”

Now, I believe that we all view the world through a “reality tunnel” that filters our perceptions in accordance with our beliefs. I am inclined to agree with a Mefite who commented on a post recently that “reality is spontaneous and unique to each of us.” I am versed in the writings of Robert Anton Wilson, and I think I understand that “whatever the thinker thinks the prover proves,” that we all live in separate realities and that all perception is gamble and so forth, but her assertion that I had hallucinated all her advances was truly mind-blowing to me. I also want to mention that during this exchange following my bid for a kiss Martha remained remarkably composed. She hardly stirred or batted an eye after my question, almost as if she had expected it or something similar. She didn’t seem upset, didn’t raise her voice or ask me to leave after I revealed my intentions, which also seemed strange to me. I didn’t challenge her version of events any further however because I was stunned, mind reeling and what not. So I have been trying to figure out what the “truth” behind his scenario is. Perhaps I am dangerously crazy, and my perception of reality is more hallucination than I had considered before; that I had seen Martha making come hither advances toward me simply because that is what I wanted to see in my heart of hearts? Perhaps she is crazy and wasn’t aware of the messages she was transmitting; or perhaps she was subconsciously seeking male attention, consciously unaware of her actions. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt; I have always thought of Martha as a sweet girl, and I don’t want to give credence to the conspiracy theory that she conducted this elaborate game with my emotions just to be able to deny me and revel in my humiliation. Should I have just moved in to kiss her instead of asking? What happened here, where did I go wrong?

Yes, I know I did a horrible thing, now how do I fix it?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:34:51 -0800

So... I drunkenly hooked up with one of my really good friends and found out he's had feelings for me for YEARS, I had a good time, but am not looking for a boyfriend, what's the right thing to do? I've known X for the past 3 years and have gotten really close to him this year. There has always been some chemistry between us and a low level flirtation, but I'm just not that attracted to him physically.

The other night he came over to my house for a couple beers (that turned into many, many beers at my house) and we ended up making out. It was fun and I had a good time and I wouldn't even mind hooking up now and then, but what I found out unfortunately is that he has major feelings for me. I always thought he was attracted to me, but he's a really sarcastic kind of guy and I had no idea that this soft affectionate side of him existed. He had always struck me as a casual sex kind of a guy, especially from the way he talks about sex and dating. I guess what I'm saying is while it didn't surprise me he would be interested in having sex with me, it never occurred to me he would want a serious relationship. I should also throw in here we didn't have sex or anything close to it, if that somehow makes it any better.

He was SO sweet. He told me how much he liked me and how he really felt like this was the beginning of something. I should say he told me this when I was still fairly drunk that night (post making out) and the next morning after I had had two hours of sleep and woke up to him stroking my hair. He said so many nice things and really I wish I felt the same, but I just don't. I think he's great, I love talking to him and hanging out with him, but I don't feel that intense passion for him that he really obviously feels for me.

We've talked since we hooked up, but not really about us hooking up other than a couple jokes and him telling me he really wanted to see me again soon. With the holiday weekend coming we'll be seeing each other a lot at mutual friends parties and I'm sure he's going to assume he'll be coming home with me a couple of those nights. This would be fine except for the fact I don't see this going anywhere. I'm not in a position to be in a relationship and I really don't want to lead him on. I feel horrible that this has happened and I really don't want to hurt him.

So my question is what is the right thing to do? How honest should I be and how and when should I say it? And is hooking up again a horrible idea?

For some background I'm in my mid 20's and he's in his early 30's.

What is the psychology of friendship?

pipstar — Wed, 14 May 2008 07:10:55 -0800

Lately, the concept of "friends" seems to have become incredibly diluted by the casual use of the term by Facebook, MySpace et al. But in "the real world" what do you consider to be important when you are making and becoming friends? Is it how long you've known someone? How frequently you meet up? What you have in common? Something more intangible? Also, I'd love recommendations of any books looking at the psychology of how people become friends.