Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and family

Help me help my wife

alshain — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:37:24 -0800

My wife has confidence, self esteem issues. We have been married for four years and we have two kids. I live in Canada and she's from S. Africa. She lived there all her life until she was 22. We met there. Got married there. But now live in Canada. She is finding it difficult to adapt. The life here is very different for her. One of her biggest obstacles is her accent. Also, because she has lived in S. Africa for so long, she finds it difficult to connect with people and family from here.

I live with my parents. Which doesn't help. It's a culture thing. Family business doesn't help the matter either. My brother who is married to a Canadian girl, lives a few houses down.

My parents connect with my brother's wife than they do with my wife. My wife usually gets left out of the loop. She is also shy and likes to keep to herself. She is very soft spoken and a very kind person. Problem is she takes garbage from everyone - can't stand up for herself.

How do I resolve this issue? I know I have a few issues going on here.

Grow up or build a time machine?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:19:36 -0800

How do I make it feel like home? Is it possible to develop a sense of family with your partner eventually, or should it have been there already when you were dating?

I've been with my partner for a long time, and, I confess, I only got into the relationship in the first place because of all the magic and romance I felt at the time. I didn't think it would get serious, but I was very much in love and fantasized about marriage. We got married, it's been awhile. I still love him very much, but for lack of a better term, I find myself feeling homesick. His family is nice, not quite warm and fuzzy, but nice, and kind. WASPy types. They don't live near us, which is fine, and exactly what I thought I wanted when I used to dream of having my own family. We're in our thirties, don't have kids, no house, and we've kept our money and finances totally separate with no desire to combine our assets into one account or pool.

Maybe I'm being stupid, but I don't feel like a family unit with my partner. I don't care about the the accounts, it feels more like a symptom of whatever is wrong with me. I feel like we're in a long-term dating relationship rather than a marriage. I don't think I want kids with him (he's a little high strung and anxious, a lot of the time now as he nears his forties, qualities that I don't think go away when you deal with children), we've had two abortions already (which possibly started this feeling I had that we weren't a real family or he didn't want to be a real family).

My own family is overseas and far away. I miss them and can't see them regularly due to distance and work. The way I felt growing up was so lovely and warm. Here, no matter how much my partner says he loves me, it feels like there's some isolation and underlying tension between us. He says it's not supposed to feel warm and and nurturing and unconditional the way it was when I was growing up because we're not children anymore. I don't know if my expectation that we should feel like a little family instead of people who are cohabitating are off or if this is a sign that this isn't a good fit, or if there are ways I can make it feel like a family.

Help, need to get out of my "slump"!

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 08:12:25 -0800

Worried about my emotional well-being, and my future. Need some good Metafilter advice.... I am a 34 y/o female who is gainfully employed and generally self-sufficient (own my own home, car, take care of the house, etc.) but I am extremely lonely and feel more and more isolated everyday. I grew up in a very dysfunctional (full of abuse) family, and likewise, my family ties are small, if not non-existent. My younger sister, who I was once close to, has not spoken to me for 2 years over a decision I made concerning her...my two older brothers have never liked me (due to some issues that occurred when we were younger) and are both married now and rarely if ever interact with me. My parents are both alive, but aging and neither are in good health, my mom is the greatest support, but our relationship is somewhat difficult due to varying religious beliefs (this is not on my end, but on hers).

In a nutshell, I don't have a family really...when there is a holiday, there are no celebrations (also due to my mom's religious beliefs), when I meet a guy, there is no one to introduce him to, there are no regular interactions and no one desires to have them. Also, since my sister moved back in with my mom, and bcs of the strained relationship bt/n her and I, I am barely welcome there. This is, in and of itself, bad enough, but add to it, that I do not have friends.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, it is hard to make friends...so, there were none from childhood. I did make a few friends after I moved away from home and started college, but many of those relationships died over the years due to losing contact after some time, and/or life changes (marriage, kids, etc.)...further, about 8 years ago, I became a Christian (after being under my parents Jehovah's Witness upbringing for my whole life) and after doing so, I lost a lot of friends then too. So again, there is no one to share with, fellowship with, interact with...I spend all holidays and birthdays alone. I long to have solid relationships, but I often get rejected when I try to make friends. I really thought I would make friends in church, but those relationship are not very deep. People are often cliquey even in church (which is so sad).

I realize that I am the "common denominator" in all of this and that perhaps the problem is me, and not others (I have done therapy and come to this semi-conclusion), yet, I really feel that I am a nice person and worth of knowing...still, here I am at 34 and feeling completely isolated and alone. I really don't know what to do bcs I feel if something does not change, I will never get out of this slump. Any advice, suggestions, encouragement from the mefi community? I realize a lot of ppl will likely advise me to "get out and meet ppl" but I assure you, I have tried that, it just rarely goes anywhere! Thanks for your time.

How do I cope with my grieving Mom?

Monsters — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 11:41:18 -0800

My mother's grief is overwhelming me. How do I keep my cool? My Dad died in late December of last year. I am my mom's only kid in the same city (I have a sibling but she lives on the west coast; I'm in the midwest). For the past 9 months my mom's grief has draped across my life and I don't think I can cope anymore.

I'm in the second year of a Masters program and am planning to go on to a PhD. So this is a very busy time- I have to take standardized tests, apply to and visit potential PhD programs, and (oh yeah) write a thesis. This is on top of regular coursework and the 20-hour-a-week research assistantship that pays for my tuition.

I love my mom and we've always had a pretty great, close relationship. But her grief is overwhelming me. I try to call her daily and see her at least once a week, give her lots of support and make sure she is looking after herself. Every few months or so she calls me demanding that I drop everything and drive 45 minutes to her house to hug her. The most stressful part of this is that I have my own grief- but in order to be emotionally strong enough to support my mom in her grief I distance myself from my own grief about the death of my dad, who was my hero.

I've told my mom she needs professional help and found her the number of a psychologist who specializes in traumatic grief right down the street from her house. She hasn't made an appointment.

I try to be as supportive as possible, but my patience is wearing thin. More and more I find myself lashing out at her when she calls me in tears, asking that I drop everything and go to her house to take care of her. That isn't the kind of daughter I want to be- this woman raised me and I owe her better than I've been giving lately. How do I manage my frustration when I'm with my mom so I can give her the support she obviously deeply needs?

'Forced Visitation' - similar to 'Mandatory Rehabilitation'?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:56:43 -0800

Should she make the kids see the dad? The kids do not want to go and there is not a visitation order in place. I am dating a woman (I'll call her Mary) with two kids ages 7 (Sally) and 5 (Kevin). The biological dad (Bill) does not spend time with his kids. He might call on or near the birthday. He may see them a couple/few times a year. He works, but does not pay child support. Mary does not pursue it because "if someone supports their children, they should want to, not have to." She struggles financially, but would rather live without his forced donations. I understand that paying child support and spending time with the kids are separate issues, but it is a detail to consider before answering my question. There is no visitation agreement. After a recent visit, Bill asked Mary to bring the kids back for another visit. They do not want to go because they "will miss Mommy".

Mary has gone the extra mile to create the opportunity for the kids to have a relationship with Bill, Bill's new girlfriend, and the rest of Bill's family (cousins, uncles, parents, etc.). Mary initiates telephone contact with Bill to arrange visits, convinces the kids to go, transports the kiddos both ways (1.5 hours one way), stays (on occasion) overnight with them or takes numerous telephone calls to console them because they think she may never come back. In my opinion, the kids manipulate her by crying and acting out because they do not feel close to Bill and do not want to be alone with him. They also believe that Mary is the only stability in their life. Are they too young to make the decision to go/not go? If you ask them if they want to go, they cry and say 'no'.

She maintains that the kids should not cut Bill/Bill's family off. She does not fear for the safety of the kids, but has told me that Bill does not always put the kids first. She calls him an idiot and has no faith in him as a father which is why she left him. I have a feeling (no proof) that it may have been an abusive relationship. I also think Bill is still trying to control her on some level. When Mary mentioned that we were dating, Bill voiced his disapproval even though he is currently in a relationship and she clearly does not want a relationship with him. In Bill's mind, he is the father of the children and can dictate her life.

Mary asked me if she should make them go to see Bill. I did not answer that question, but I did suggest that Bill should step up to the plate to see his children. She called him and he agreed to pick them up on Saturday instead of having an overnight visit. They agreed on a day and he did not show up or call.

Should she reach out to him? Should she bring the kids to him? We need a fresh perspective here.

I am not your code monkey

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 15:34:26 -0800

I am a web developer and often find myself in situations where acquaintances, friends and family request that I build web sites or web store for free or extremely cheap. How do I handle these tedious requests? How have you handled them? Here's an example. Two of my family members have decided for me that I'm going to deploy a very basic web store for them for $700 (I didn't know about the money or the sum before it was in my bank account). This despite me telling them that I have no interest what so ever in doing *any* kind of web development work - paid or non-paid - outside of my regular work, but of course they disregarded that. The stuff that I have to do on this project itself is mostly about installing a web store application, configure stuff, add products to the store, etc (there will probably be very little coding) but it still takes time and energy.

Is it reasonable to do this stuff of work for your family members? Am I being the douche bag here? Personally, I feel that people are taking advantage of me and I'm probably passive aggressive about the whole thing. Also, because this has happened many times before, I'm becoming increasingly bitter towards some of my family members and friends. I guess I'm something of a pushover and people pleaser too, so I have a hard time saying "no" or making sure that people understand that I really mean it.

Rules for a Parent in a New Relationship?

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 20:12:06 -0800

It's been almost three years since my mother died, and my father has slowly been working himself back into seeing new people, but it's starting to cause major family drama. I'm 23 and live on my own in a different city, so this doesn't bother me much. But my 17 year old sister still lives with him, and she's really upset that this is going on. To make matters worse, the latest person he's seeing is my sister's favorite teacher from school. What can my dad do to ease this transition for my sister? What do both people deserve here? We'll call the characters Dad, Sister, and Teacher for the sake of clarity.

I've been kind of caught on the middle on this, mediated between Dad and Sister. Dad's basic argument is that the extreme dad-isn't-allowed-to-date-until-I've-left-the-house desire of my sister are not fair to him. In 18 months, my sister will go off to college and he needs to start building a post-children life. Part of that involves dating, and he doesn't feel like he can just put that on pause until my sister is gone, just because she's upset about the idea. He's been really clear that this isn't about him being unhappy with her, that he's not trying to replace our mother and that he's not going to try to make us think of her as our mother. He's not going to have more kids, although Teacher does have kids of her own. He ended up dating my sister's favorite teacher, which he understands makes this much much harder for my sister, but he points out that you don't have a lot of control over who you're interested in and who's available and sometimes it's not totally perfect for everyone around you and that we should just roll with it.

Sister's grievances are many and varied. The biggest one, as far as I can tell, is jealousy. Being a single child with a single parent forges a really tight bond, and the existence of this other woman (or any other woman) makes her intensely jealous. If Dad's not around some night to help her prepare for a math test, is he with Teacher? Did he pick spending time with Teacher over her? Did Dad push Sister to go to summer camp so he could spend more time with Teacher? If he's trying to cut a phone call short, is it so he can call Teacher? Does he behave differently towards Sister when Teacher is around to impress Teacher? It just drives her crazy thinking about everything that she never had to think about before. She did genuinely like Teacher before she found out Teacher + Dad were dating, but now really dislikes her and wants never to see her again, let alone have a conversation. That switch from liking Teacher to hating Teacher is also troubling for her - what she thought was a positive relationship was instantly soured by Dad.

Then there's a bunch of other related what-ifs that are driving her crazy. If Sister hadn't told Dad how much she liked Teacher, would they not have gotten together? If Sister drags her feet enough can she make Teacher go away? Since Dad + Teacher were dating while Sister was Teacher's student, what does Sister and Teacher's previous relationship mean now?

To Dad's credit, he's been pretty communicative about this whole process, to the extent that he thinks Sister wants to know what's happening. He asked her (and my) permission to start seeing people at all, doesn't ever bring them home, doesn't push for us to meet them, etc. He want to great, great lengths (like never being in public together in our relatively small town) to avoid Sister finding out that he was seeing Teacher while Sister was taking a class from Teacher, for which Sister is indeed eternally grateful. And Teacher will not be teaching at Sister's school next year, although Sister is still wigged out by the idea that people at school will find out Dad and Teacher are together. Dad also feels like Sister is fundamentally opposed to change of any sort, and is unreasonably upset about this whole process. He's willing to do whatever he can to make this easier for her, but doesn't think her fundamental adversity to change means that she can say "no dating" entirely.

So my question is - what's reasonable here? It seems like both Dad and Sister have very normal concerns. If we posit that it's not okay for Sister to veto relationships outright, how can we help assuage her issues with the process? Should Dad be asking her permission to do different things, eg hosting a dinner party for neighbors to meet Teacher, or meeting Teacher's kids, or introducing me to Teacher. Can Sister veto specific events that she's uncomfortable with? How can he demonstrate his priorities to Sister? Really, any advice about kids dealing with parents' new relationships would be useful here, since this is new territory for all of us.

Crazy Mama Drama

camneely — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 16:46:47 -0800

FamilyDramaFilter: My Ex has been receiving curiously specific messages from a new Facebook 'friend' regarding our breakup. All signs point to this person actually being my mom. After questioning her via email, I have been sent two denials, the last quite vociferous. I'm pretty sure she is lying. How should I proceed? About two weeks ago, my girlfriend M and I decided to take a (probably) permanent break from our relationship. I told my mom about the development the following day, as she and M were relatively close and, well, she's my mom and I thought she should know. (For the record, I've really only talked to one other person once about this, but didn't go into much detail at that time.)

Shortly thereafter, M was friended on Facebook by a girl named Jen that she doesn't know/remember, who immediately posted a few comments and status updates that seemed kind of fishy. M called to see if I was behind it and, after I quickly reminded her that I in fact wasn't still in the 8th grade, gave me the rundown. Unfortunately, we both agreed that it appeared like it could be the work of my slightly wacky mother. Here's a rundown of some of the aspects of this that seem suspicious:

* No pictures, minimal personal info.

* The only friends this girl (who grew up in the same East Coast state as us, and now lives in NY) has added are M, M's younger sister, and random male friend of M from our current Midwestern city of residence. No one knows who she is.

* The girl in question posted a few status updates concerning the fact that her and her boyfriend were on a break. She also made a few comments on M's profile that suggested a knowledge that ran deeper than that of a 'chance encounter in a bar two years ago' (nothing hurtful or mean, just too specific), but would be known to my mom.

* M messaged her to get some info. Jen claims she met M once in a bar two years ago in the East Coast city we grew up in, while M was out with a friend. She doesn't remember the name of the bar or the name of M's friend, but she apparently did remember M's full name clearly enough to find her on Facebook.

* Jen also said that they talked a lot about culinary school. Her profile states that she graduated from a culinary institute in '03, and that at the bar M was asking her questions about her experience as well as expressing an interest in attending herself. M started culinary school earlier this month, but definitely was not talking about it two years ago.

* Her 'interested in' list includes a new airline company that caters exclusively to flying one's pets. My mom and I have talked a number of times recently about the possibility of using this service for my trip to visit home later this summer.

* Her writing reads like my mom's.

In other words, something is definitely not right with the situation, whoever is behind it. I felt the above pointed sufficiently to my mom, though, and so sent the following email:

"I know you're just trying to be a good mom and everything, but M has been getting some strange messages on Facebook recently that were a little too specific to be coincidence. If you created an account, even with my best interest in mind, delete it and stop messaging her. Doing that isn't appropriate, and it is not ok with me."

I tried to be firm, but not overly accusatory. Maybe I was too strong, I don't know, but I just wanted her to get the message that the jig was up.

In any event, as I said I've since received two denials, the first short (to which I didn't reply), the second longer and much stronger. She claims that I have "hurt her more than I could ever know," that I apparently must think she is a "horrible person," and that she thought her and M were friends "but I guess not." She also added that "if I think this little of [her], maybe [I] shouldn't bother visiting this summer."

To me, this is a classic 'the lady doth protest too much' situation. She's going all in with the denial, yet I feel in reality she's trying to bluff me, but can't prove it. Honestly, the whole situation is so weird and exasperating and embarrassing that I just want it to go away, and would have been more than happy to forget it if she hadn't escalated things by being so over-the-top.

Nevertheless, though I can't prove my suspicion beyond the shadow of a doubt, I'm still perturbed that she would actually do something this juvenile (even if the intent wasn't malicious), and angry that she would lie to me about it.

So how should I proceed? Do I have a right to stick to my guns and call her bluff, or should I apologize and let it drop?

How do I ask my boyfriend if his mother knows about our relationship?

Anonymous — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 17:50:21 -0800

How do I ask my boyfriend if his mother knows about our relationship? My boyfriend and I have been dating for the better part of a year. Our relationship began as long distance, with us on opposite ends of the country, proceeding blindly without knowing if either of us would ever relocate. I wound up relocating due to to a dire post-grad school job market, and while we still live in different cities, we're now 2 hours apart and see each other as often as our schedules permit (usually every other weekend, if not more often). Our relationship definitely blossomed as the result of living closer together.

I do not doubt my boyfriend's feelings for me, as he was the first to refer to me as a significant other and say "I love you." I've met his closest friends as well as his colleagues. He's met my sister. We share many mutual friends. We talk about doing things in the future. He's very affectionate with me in public and in private, without regard of our friends' presence. He says he needs me and doesn't know what he would do without me. Similarly, I love him very much and am committed to making our relationship work.

He's taken his time in revealing his family's dynamics in the time we've been together. He's always been open about how his mother drives him crazy, though, which I believe is a more or less common issue among our peer group (we're in our mid-20s). However, I did not know for some time that his parents are divorced, and he hides personal information such as the fact that he drinks from his mother. I realize family dynamics are delicate; while I've been open with him about my family, I understand that he may feel more comfortable disclosing information about his over time.

None of this really bothered me until recently, when he mentioned his mother was sending something to my apartment for an upcoming trip. He made a point to mention that the envelope would be addressed to my roommate (whom his mother has met). Though this seems like a small issue, I feel strange about it because I wonder why his mom wouldn't just write my name on the envelope. I realize I may be jumping to conclusions, but this led me to think that his mom doesn't know about me or our relationship. I'm upset because I think of my boyfriend as someone with whom I'd like to spend time with indefinitely, and feeling like I may be a "secret" makes me feel foolish for thinking that way.

I do not want to overreact or attack my boyfriend in any way, but I would like to ask him in a non-threatening way if his family knows about us. I care about whether his family knows because, for me, it's impossible to have a serious, long-term relationship without everyone important to me knowing about it, family included. While this may be different for him, I do not want to remain in any relationship where I feel I'm being kept a "secret" from someone's family, though he hasn't kept me a secret from non-family members. Everyone who is important to me knows about him, so why wouldn't he tell his mother about us? How do I discuss this with him, if at all?

Thank you in advance for your input!

Family and Business

Gravitus — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 12:06:51 -0800

Working in Family Business. What would you consider that "line" where you are no longer dealing with a family member but a co-worker, boss, etc.. I work in the family business. There are 4 family members actively involved in the company to varying degrees. Some of problems I am having:

One of the duties that I take care of is the entire network from web servers to work stations. Employee A(non family) seems to think it's okay to use her workstation as her personal computer. She is constantly installing crapware on her machine, printing coupons, browsing sites unrelated to work, quarking up her machine because of this and then complaining that I fix it. I had put some policies in place on her workstation to stop this but was asked by Employee B (family) to remove them so that Employee A could visit a particular site or run some stupid program that wasn't needed at work. I explained why this was a bad idea but got over-ruled. Now I have to fix employee A's machine every other day for some stupid problem she caused.

I constantly get volunteered to do things for Employer C(family) extended business associates. Things like fix their computers for them, or show them how to build a website!!!!! ugggg :( ...or help them train their employees in inventory control. All of this is being asked to be done after hours. I am not being paid to do this. When I say no or make up an excuse as to why I can't do this, I feel the repercussions for weeks afterward to the tune of completely being shut out of anything, family or business related.

I have a whole laundry list of items similar in nature to the two others I posted. That would take forever though.

The rub in this whole equation is that I am being exposed to a far broader range of functions within a business than I would normally get anywhere else. I work with the finances, inventory purchasing and controls, marketing, logistics, sales, international supply chain, etc... I have a degree in business management so I know the concepts and applications. Just doing them real world leads to a greater understanding in many cases. However, I just want to choke the living shit out of my family in the process and can see it affecting our personal relationships.

My question is what would someone reasonably expect from family members in a business setting before you must think of yourself? Had I known this is how it would be, I would have never left my old job making more money, working less hours and seemingly being respected by my peers to a greater extent. On that note I don't easily quit things. I am fairly thick skinned and can deal with a lot before I walk away. That isn't necessarily a good thing all of the time though.

A side not: It's kind of sad learning some of these things about family members. For instance, Employer C prefers to have a yes man by his side. I equate yes men to ass kissers, so now I respect Employer C far less than I previously did because he rather have his ass kissed then get good advice. Employee B is non-confrontational to the point of letting people walk over them, this only occurs with non-family members though. I never hung out with this family member outside of family functions so this was very bizarre seeing for the first time.

Help me see that line where I walk away.

Is it really my child?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 May 2009 08:16:28 -0800

I don't know if it's really my kid. It's our second and I see myself in our first, emphatically, but the second one, I don't recognize myself in at all. The second one is four now and I thought I would have the gut feeling I had with the first - 'this is my child' - at some later point, but I haven't. I've tried to ignore it because how do you address a problem like this with your spouse? And there's no glaring, obvious dissimilarity.

When we found out we were pregnant the second time, there was a tremendous amount of anxiety on her part - though things were, I thought, going well and the first pregnancy had been good, and we were agreed we wanted a second child. She accounted for it by labeling it as plain old anxiety/uncertainty and I accepted it as such. But it has stuck in my mind.

How much does it matter anyway if it is mine or not? If I can love it, which I am trying to do?

It's the doubt, periodically, that I don't know how to manage. It can be overwhelming and is hampering our relationship. What should I do?

My parents drive me crazy.

divabat — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:32:04 -0800

How do I deal with my parents on limited resources without sending all of us into a fit? (likely to be TL;DR) My parents and I have a very strange relationship. Over the years it has gone from really bad, to quite good, to distant, to just weird. My mother, in particular, has a lot of issues that come into conflict between us.

She's the eldest of two, from a South Asian country, but was brought up by her grandparents as her school was nearby. Her parents died when I was very young; she migrated with my dad to Malaysia when my sister was a little kid (I was born & bred in Malaysia some 11 years later). Her sister is currently in the US with her family, and she's got extended family elsewhere.

She's always talked about how lonely she feels, how she feels that her family keep walking away from her. Unfortunately for her, her immediate family (us) are also the type to fly away. My sis is in the UK, I'm in Australia, and my dad's work takes him travelling often. We're far away not because we deliberately want to avoid her, but because we're all nomads and have found better livelihoods overseas. Still, she often tearfully accuses us of "abandoning" her, of "not wanting a mother anymore".

My dad isn't so great with emotional support. He's a typical dad - logical, stoic, sometimes formal. I'm the apple of his eye (Mum used to go on and on about how as soon as I was born Dad forgot about Mum and my sis and just focused on me) but it can be hard to get Dad to see why I do the things I do. He's very stubborn and has a certain view of what the world should be. Whenever any of us expresses a problem or vent, he either announces that he'll fix it all, brush it off with "don't worry be happy", or thinks we complain too much. The last bit sets Mum off SO MUCH to the point of fights - "Why don't you want to listen to me?! You're always away! You don't value me!!" I've often asked Dad to look after Mum a bit more but all Dad says is "she misses you two. Come back and she'll be better."

My sister and I, despite our age difference and she being far away for most of my life, are very very close. We've both turned out to be iconoclastic eccentric rebels (of a fashion) and we both understand and respect each other's life choices. My parents often try to ask one of us to lecture the other one on their choices "can you tell T not to travel so much? Can you tell M to call us more often?" but often we don't agree with the parents, we think the other's doing OK! Yet when we say this they launch into this tirade of us not caring about each other. My sister gets the worst of it - she's been yelled at so many times for supposedly not supporting me in my depression, for not paying for my education (there was a deal that she'd pay for my uni studies if she got her Ph.D. paid for; she never got enough money to do that but I wasn't too bothered either way), for not caring about me. Even though she's the only person in the family that respects me in the first place!!

My sister sometimes feels bad for me because she went through all the disappoint-the-parents stages first: changing her career from science to illustration, living together with her British fiancé before marriage, going off to weird arts festivals. This has put extra pressure on me to be the "good girl" - which, by my parents' standards, I absolutely "fail" at. They've just had a big upset over my sister declaring herself atheist (after her fiancé refused to perform the Muslim conversion ceremony at the upcoming wedding) - they will freak out if they discover my Pagan leanings!

I've just graduated university in Australia, and have just received a great opportunity that would involve staying here for at least another year. I like it here; I get to be myself without feeling like I'd be punished for being deviant. Due to high costs and restrictions on jobs, my education and life so far has been mostly subsidised by my parents. Getting the visa that lets me stay here longer, find a self-sustainable job, and develop myself to do the things I like costs more than what I have in my bank account at the moment, so I've had to rely on them again for money.

There was some back-and-forthing (which I thought was weird since my parents were pretty keen on me getting Aussie PR and were pushing for it at one stage) but they're now supporting me financially. Hopefully when I finally have this visa I'll have financial freedom and stop leeching off my parents. It doesn't give me emotional freedom though - my parents (my mother, especially) call up wondering where I am, why I don't call back (when I *do* call they think I've gotten into an accident, even though I just want to say Hi), etc etc etc.

My mum has been especially emotional lately. She told me she was "extremely sick"; I asked Dad about it and he said she was working herself into a tizzy because she thought we were fighting over visas (we have disagreements, which are tiring, but nothing to get sick over). It was only after I wrote back with lots of emails saying I'll be fine, I'll look after myself, I'll be responsible, I understand your troubles and know you want me safe etc etc, that she calmed down a bit.

Then today on Facebook, despite all my best attempts at privacy management, she found some photos of me at a Pagan ritual. "OMG SHE'S JOINED A CULT AND PRAYING TO STUPID GODS!!" I had to dodge my dad's questions and build a cover story of us "play-acting", just so they can maintain the illusion of a good little Muslim daughter. (I defriended my mum after another freakout over a blog post - one that she claimed will "send her into hospital with a heart attack". Backfired. She got EXTREMELY upset and claimed that I wanted her out of my life.)

My sister and I have both felt like cutting them out of our lives. But not only is it not possible, it's not very desirable either. When Mum gets a hobby, like interior designing a house or something, she becomes SO MUCH better. She leaves me alone for once! She becomes awesome. Yet now she's afraid of being alone and lonely, desperately wants us back into a country that won't welcome us, doesn't know what to do. And we both know that cutting them off is equal to murder - it's their worst fear ever.

I'm stressed out and tired of having to build my life around my parents. I don't want to feel like I have to hide things from them, but I've already seen the consequences of that. I want to be completely independent of them, but until I get a job I'll still have to depend on them to some extent. They'll always think I'm their "baby" and probably never will think of me as an adult. They absolutely hate the term "It's MY life"; when my sister told them that some years ago they went ballistic.

What do I do? How do I cope mentally and emotionally with this? Am I selfish for wanting to lead my own life even though it clashes with my parents' values? How can I talk to them without every conversation ending in tears (and me being worried about Mum's sanity) or shouting or anger? How can I be true and honest around them if my truth scares them so much?

How to mourn my still-living sister?

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:03:40 -0800

I'm mourning my sister. The catch? She isn't dead. She just isn't herself anymore. How do I go about this in a healthy way? My sister and I were always very close. We come from a large family, and in recent years the whole family structure has just kind of fallen apart.

I moved across the country, so I'm sure I bear some of the weight of that. And everyone else went through changes too. A brother was diagnosed with a mental illness. Another sister left home, got pregnant, eventually got married, and now has two beautiful babies (and is doing a wonderful job as a mother). And my parents got divorced after years of everyone waiting (and hoping) for it to happen.

All the rest of it I can seem to deal with pretty directly because everyone seems to still be themselves, just dealing with new and different realities. But my previously progressive, studious, lighthearted, fun-loving sister doesn't even seem like herself anymore.

She gave up her dream of becoming a doctor because she wants to be a mother and saw the two as mutually exclusive(!?). She started dating a complete troglodyte of a guy and is now engaged to him despite his seriously deranged and dangerous behavior that scares the bejeezus out of the rest of us - not to mention his complete and total dissimilarity with the rest of us and our values. And she's been treating me strangely lately - like accidentally almost signing her whole name on my birthday card as if I were a casual acquaintance, and mentioning that she would be in my city in early December and that it would be "really great to see me." My family may be fractured, but none of the rest of them would even question whether they would see me if they were visiting my city. But the saddest part of all is that the laughter in her voice is gone. She used to light up a room just by talking. Now her voice is flat and tired and completely devoid of that magic.

So I'm mourning the sister I had. And I don't know how to do that now that there is a pod person I have to deal with who pretends she is my sister. I don't recognize this new person. I don't like this new person.

Of course, this new person is the one who is coming to town this weekend, and who thinks it would be "really great to see me" while she's here. So what do I do? Short term? Long term?

Email responses welcome and appreciated: sibling.mourner@gmail.com

Should I be creeped out by my dad's relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 11:53:47 -0800

Last year my dad and my step-mother divorced after 20 years of marriage. It was not an easy break-up, and my dad was pretty devastated in its wake. While it was wrenching for me to think of my dad being alone in his mid-sixties, I cheered myself knowing that my dad, being a very smart, handsome, together guy with a whole lot of awesome qualities, is definitely a catch and would almost certainly end up with someone terrific. I always pictured him being with some fun, free-spirited woman, probably a widow, someone who could match his intellect, stand up to his occasional bull-headedness, and win the hearts of his kids. He’s now with with someone, alright, but not at all what I’d imagined or hoped for. My dad is now dating a woman nearly 30 years younger than he. The part that’s really, really bugging me, though, is the fact that she is about 18 months older than I. She and I could have been classmates. She’s 36, he’s 64. He is, quite literally, old enough to be her father.

My dad and I are close in every aspect but this. We haven’t fought about it or anything, but on the very few occasions we’ve talked the girlfriend I’ve told him that I support him, but that I am also not at all comfortable with it, so we really just avoid the topic altogether. I really want to turn the situation around on him, and ask him what he’d think if his daughter was boning a 62-year-old man, just to put it in perspective, but I haven’t, because it would be petty and not serve any real purpose other than being antagonistic.

The added layer of ickiness here is this: when I was very young my parents divorced in no small part because my dad fucked the babysitter, who was not above the age of consent at the time. I don’t want to get into a giant flamewar about the questionable ethics of grown men fucking “willing” teenagers here; I mention it because, even though I’ve forgiven him for that long ago and this is a relationship between two consenting adults, it does, in some small way, echo back to that predilection.

To complicate matters further, today the girlfriend e-mailed me for the first time, and in it she included a few suggestions for what to get my dad for Christmas. It wasn’t snotty; in fact, I could tell she was trying to reach out and genuinely be nice, but goddamn lady, you’ve been dating him for six months and already you’re trying on the step-mommy role. I haven’t written back yet, although I will eventually, and when I do I swear I will be polite and as bland as milk.

So my conundrum is this: intellectually, I’m glad my dad has found someone, and that he is happy. Emotionally, it creeps me right the fuck out that 25 years ago she and I could have shared a locker.

Other important facts: I live on the opposite side of the country as my dad, so while we talk regularly I only get to see him once a year or twice a year at the very most. I haven’t yet met the girlfriend, nor do I have any desire to do so for the foreseeable future. Also, they are dating exclusively, but having just emerged from a divorce I don’t think that my dad would actually get married again, at least not for a long, long while. I hope.

I know that ultimately dating decisions belong solely to my dad, and I really want to be supportive of him. I’m just having a tough time not being completely grossed out by the vast age difference between my dad and his girlfriend and the itty bitty age difference between his girlfriend and his daughter.

Am I wrong here? Should I just get over myself and just be delighted my dad found someone he loves? Or is it totally creepy that my dad is dating someone less than two years older than his own daughter? Please help me find clarity and peace here, hive mind. If you’d prefer to e-mail me privately, send it to maydecsux at gmail.

I know Indiana isn't Mars, but it might as well be.

booknerd — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 10:09:36 -0800

I'm nervous about spending Thanksgiving weekend with my boyfriend's Midwestern family out-of-state in Indiana. They're flying both of us out for Thursday-Sunday, and I want to be sure to make a good impression. Advice? Some basic background info:

I've been dating this guy for a little over a year, and am completely crazy about him. We're both in our mid-twenties. He's a graduate student, I'm a librarian. We met online.
His family consists of his two parents whose home we'll be staying in (the house my bf grew up in), as well as his older brother (early 30s, I believe) and his brother's girlfriend, who will be visiting from a neighboring state.
I've met his parents once before, when they came out in March to visit for a few days for my bf's birthday. I've met his brother and his brother's gf once over a year ago when they came out to visit for a few days, but due to sleep-deprivation, raging wildfires in my area, smoke inhalation, and other extenuating circumstances, I didn't make a terribly good impression with them.
-I'm vegetarian, and no one else in the family is. My boyfriend has said he doesn't think his mom has ever cooked for vegetarians before. When his parents came out to visit, I made a huge picnic for his birthday with a lot of different vegetarian dishes, and several weeks later his mom sent him a package in the mail with various sort of canned/dried meat products and a very long letter explaining how to cook each of them and expressing concerns about his diet. My boyfriend isn't vegetarian, but eats vegetarian when we cook together several times a week. Is it rude for me to offer to cook a dish or two over the weekend or suggest ways to make her recipes vegetarian? I'm a competent cook, but I know there's a fine line between being helpful in the kitchen and taking control of someone else's kitchen.
His mom is paying for both of us to fly out, but expressed a concern that we need to stay in the city (Indianapolis) and an emphasis on "family time". What this means is unclear. I'd like to see a bit of the city, since I've never been to the area, but of course I'm fine with whatever they have planned.
-His mom is generally very meddling and overbearing, but well-meaning enough. She's just a stay-at-home mom with too much time on her hands. As an example, she actually paid my boyfriend and I to clean his bedroom in his apartment a month or two ago. I guess she thought it was messy when she visited in March and had been thinking about it ever since, so she brought it up in a phone conversation in August. I'm expecting some personal conversations between himself and his parents regarding potentially awkward things like finances, which are things my family don't really discuss with one another. When his parents visited before, they started to urge him to contribute to an IRA and discussed financial details at length in front of me while we were all sitting in his apartment, while my boyfriend got annoyed and tried to change the subject. What should I do if this happens again? Sit quietly? Excuse myself politely? Offer advice?

I know how to be a good house guest. I clean up after myself, keep the bed made, help with cooking and dishes, and am generally polite. However, I have some social anxiety and find it difficult to make small talk and conversation with people, so I'll be struggling to be outgoing and not cling to my boyfriend (I know I need to do that, but it will still be difficult for me). I know they're somewhat conservative, so whatever sleeping arrangements they have planned for us will be fine with me. What sort of host gift should I bring with me? Are there any other ways to make a good impression and show my appreciation? I've never dated someone who lived out of my area before, so I've never traveled to visit someone else's family. I feel like it's sort of a big step (?) and I'm just feeling way more nervous than I should be.

How to "stay in touch"?

abdulf — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 10:13:24 -0800

How do you keep in touch with friends and relatives over long distances? I have a lot of friends and relatives who I am not necessarily close to, but would like to be. They're good people, but we rarely ever see each other due to living far away.

I have the tools - cell phone, internet, mail.

I don't really know how to use them effectively.

How often should I be calling people? Once a week? Month? Special holidays? I generally stick to major holidays.

What about people that I never talked to before I became an "adult"? Like older uncles and aunts and younger cousins or nieces and nephews (like 10 years younger). How do you keep in touch when the ties are by blood, but they're just neutral.

I basically don't know what to say to people. If you got a routine you use or some concrete examples, I would appreciate it. I've read books on cold-calling and networking, and what I want is a more substantive relationship.

I need a frame of mind to approach this, maybe some idea that it's ok to have varying degrees of strength in a relation, maybe some advice that people don't necessarily get offended when I don't call.

Is this cultural miscommunication, or am I being scammed? How to proceed?

Anonymous — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 20:57:59 -0800

Looking for advice about how to handle a cultural misunderstanding...or possibly a scam. Not sure how to reconcile the experience and associated feelings, and especially unsure about how to deal with the situation in the most sensitive and informed way. I met and lived with an amazing family in Mexico recently. We shared stories and spent meals together and laughed a lot. I was looking forward to returning again the next year. A few days after I arrived home in the US, I received an email (in Spanish, but I am not fluent) from one of the family members, "Mary" (mid-30s, mother). She asked how I was doing and then launched into a story. Mary explained that she was walking around with a large sum of money (we're talking the equivalent of thousands of US dollars) and she was either robbed or lost the money. She went on to explain her financial problems, and also asked that I not say anything to her mother (giving the explanation that her heart was too delicate and she couldn't handle such news). Mary never outright asked for money, but her sharing of this info was awkward because we weren't THAT close to begin with.

I haven't responded to the email and I am not sure how to proceed. I certainly won't be offering any financial help, but I feel as though the relationship is now irrevocably damaged. Unless I am missing some nuance or cultural difference in this situation, I think this is an attempted scam. It breaks my heart, because I am now unsure whether its wise to keep in contact with any of the family members, and am questioning whether I should go back next year. I feel especially bad for the mother, if she is unaware of this behavior, and I would hate to lose the bond I (thought I) built with her (and Mary). I also wonder if this has happened to other guests, and if something should be mentioned or done about it? But most of all, I feel as though my wonderful, heartwarming experience of their gracious hospitality has been tainted, and this saddens me.

I have had past experiences to know that I am usually a pretty good judge of character. Mary's email comes as a complete surprise. Can this situation be repaired? How? How should I respond? Would it be foolish to think I could stay there again, or is that walking into drama?

Thanks for any insight on this situation!

Help! I'm being extorted/blackmailed/strong-armed by my sister in law!

adi — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 10:08:35 -0800

My wife and I asked her sister for my wife's wedding dress back. She is refusing to give it to us until we pay her for damage to her car. Full background: We all live in Chicago (Cook County). There are several different issues going on here, so I'll try to tackle the whole store in order.

Several years ago, my wife moved to NYC and let her sister (Jessica, from here on) use some of the furnature that she wasn't taking with her. It was never Jessica's to keep, and my wife made that clear. My wife had a storage space that her father was letting her use, and she sold some of her furnature (the pieces that Jessica didn't want to use). All in all, my wife let Jessica borrow about $900 in furnature.

A year and a half ago, my wife was driving Jessica's car and scratched it against another car (small scratch, no damage to other car). At the time, I said very clearly that get an estimate as soon as possible and get it to me and that I wanted to get this taken care of asap, and that we would reach an agreement that we're all happy with.

My wife and I spent six months abroad after we got married. Jessica said that she would be fine with holding onto the dress until we got back. We had a LOT of options of places to store it (my parents, my wife's parents, friends who said they would, et cetera).

Two weeks ago we called Jessica and said that because we are back in Chicago and about to move into a new apartment, we are going to need our furnature back. Jessica informed us that it was hers now, and that some of it she had bolted down in her daughter's room, and some of it she had given or thrown away when she decided she no longer needed it.

Yesterday night I called Jessica and said that I would like to schedule pickup of the dress. She told us that she wouldn't give the dress to us until we payed her for the car. She had waited a year and a half, and there is some rust now, so the estimate is a lot more than it would have been otherwise. We told her that we're happy to talk to her about the car an reach an agreement that takes everything into consideration, but not while she is holding the wedding dress hostage and using it as leverage.

Jessica is not backing down at all. Unless we capitulate with her demands, she will not give us the dress back. This isn't the first time she has used the tactic with family. We don't feel we can "reward" this behavior by giving in and paying her off to get what is undeniably OUR PROPERTY back from her.

Any advice on this situation is welcome.

Playing therapist to parents? Never again.

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 20:32:53 -0800

Imminently divorcing parents, naive and idealistic father, playing therapist to adults - the works. Help me not hate my family! Background: My parents married relatively young with little to no experience in the dating world. By the time they realized how incompatible they were, I was on the way. Over the years, financial strife, settling up in new countries (we've been across three continents) and the arrival of my baby sister have all delayed the inevitable. It will be an amiable split, I think; they're good people, just not for each other.

Caveat: There is a woman. Who is madly in love with my father. When he moves out, she is very likely going to divorce her husband, fly across the ocean with her pre-schooler of a child, and move in with my father. They have never done anything, according to him, but they have exchanged emails, and he claims that she is the sort of woman he could see himself building a family with.

And through it all, he seems to have chosen me as his de facto confidante. I've given him the following reasoning:

1. A new relationship so soon after the split will do the opposite of what he wants - alienate my sister, whom he loves to death.
2. A relationship based on her abandoning her previous life to be with him is founded at its core on obligation - "I threw away my life for you and now you want to end it?!"
3. If he didn't know what he wanted first time round, he's putting too much into his judgment this time round. People don't change.
4. It's completely irresponsible to that lady's child to have its world turned upside down, and I can't possible condone that when my own sister is only in 2nd grade
5. What happened to DATING? Cohabitation seems insane, to my current frame of mind.

Not that I don't want him to be happy. I just don't see how this current situation will lead to that end.

He acknowledges my points, but sent me a length email asking me to try and accept his decision and by extension her. He claims that he prolonged his marriage with my mother out of responsibility and that it's time for true love to transcend responsibility. *cue eye-roll* Which, y'know, fine, since I've gotten so sick of him trying to get me to "accept his decision" anyway that I just want to wash my hands of it. But he's expecting some form of syrupy, "I just want you to be happy despite my being convinced that you're batshitinsane" response when all I really want to do is tell him to shove it. (Except that would make me feel guilty, ungrateful, and like a horrible human being. He's my FATHER. it doesn't matter that I hated being around my family growing up. Family is family.)

How do I gracefully exit this situation without causing even more strife than already present? How do I tell him I'm no longer interested in caring about his decision when his email was full of guilt-tripping, feel-good catchphrases like "I know you care about me and that's why you're upset"? I could try to avoid this until I go back to school in January and am no longer at home, but I get the feeling that won't be the end of it. He's looking to move out May absolute latest.

MOM U R L33T!!1!!one!!

TheManChild2000 — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 17:16:44 -0800

How do I make sure I'm the absolute best son I can be? I've got a fantastic mom who's really been through the ringer for a good chunk of her life. We have a great and really close relationship, but I constantly worry that nothing I do really comes close to being equal to the fires she's walked through for me.

Basic info is I'm in my mid-30's, married to someone she loves, and have three kids that she adores.

I stay in touch constantly in many different ways, remember birthdays and other important anniversaries, make sure we visit, keep her involved in personal things going through my head, and work to be someone she can be proud of.

What deep things might I be missing? What fun and flighty but memorable things could I do once in a while?

Big, bad wolf

Anonymous — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 21:25:10 -0800

How to handle my boyfriend's father? My boyfriend's father continues to challenge me and I'd like some advice on how to respond. We've been dating 3.5 years and his father developed a negative perception of me very early on. He believes that I'm fairly rigid and not very adventurous. My boyfriend is fairly spontaeous, adventurous and likes to regale the family with stories of his latest findings. Usually, during these conversations, his dad will turn to me and say in a loud, sarcastic tone, "So, do you think you might be willing to join him in doing this newest thing?" I find it mean-spirited and it makes me really uncomfortable. I usually mumble some wishy-washy statement about how I'm somewhat interested or try to explain why I'm not but he has already turned away and started some other conversation. Clearly, he is not interested in a true answer. I believe there are several things at play here--

1. Boyfriend's father is self-absorbed to a fault and not truly interested in others. He has a perception of me that isn't totally accurate. I am less adventurous and spontaneous but have many of the same interests as boyfriend but he hasn't chosen to get to know me beyond initial impression.
2. Boyfriend's father may feel that boyfriend is "settling" as a result of dating someone less adventurous. The entire family values a less structured, spontaneous lifestyle.
3. Boyfriend's father has a mean streak and it often surfaces publically.

I've considered addressing this philosophically by challenging the idea that being adventurous isn't necessarily better than not. I've also considered addressing the fact that this perception is somewhat skewed and inaccurate. I have also considered just explaining that I feel that he is intentionally being hurtful and it makes me uncomfortable. In all of this, boyfriend has been fairly passive. I believe that he sees this as very mild and not worth addressing. He also avoids confrontation with family members. Yes, I am an overly sensitive person and have a hard time letting things roll off of my back. Regardless, what would you do in this situation and why?

Ultimately, I am not trying to change this individual. I just want to know how to address this situation as I believe that I will eventually be related to this person.

How to cut the perceived apron strings

notjustfoxybrown — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 16:27:17 -0800

I need a script for telling my manipulative mother "no." Click on my handle for links to the saga of me leaving my life in Miami behind to ostensibly come run my family business.

I have finally come to the conclusion that this will never work. My mother is a megalomaniac and, because of an impoverished childhood, has an unhealthy relationship with money. She has demonstrated some truly miserly behavior over the past few months...truly hurtful miserly behavior. She and I have never gotten along but I somehow thought that taking an interest in the business and helping her out with day-to-day duties might bring us closer. It has not.

She listens to nothing I say, bristles at any suggestion of doing anything at ALL, differently than it's being done and refuses to treat me with respect.

My stepdad is worse. You can't even talk to the man. He's from an extremely patriarchical culture and has little respect for ...well, people in general. Children and animals cringe in his sight.

I am living near them now and quite frankly, that's enough. I want to go back to working in the field for which I was trained. That would mean my mother would have to go back to being involved in the day-to-day store operations and I feel horribly, horribly guilty about this. It's a retail store (actually there are several of them) so it's a lot of on-your-feet stuff. My mother actually enjoys it more than I do but as her eldest child, I have always felt more than a bit responsible for doing the right thing by her and the family.

I know. She's an adult. They could sell the business and do something else. They could pay people an actual living wage and find reliable help.

I never had any real interest in the business. I've done this so far purely out of some perceived sense of obligation.

Every conversation I have with my mother from something as simple as where we should eat dinner to hiring new employees for the stores usually results in a screaming match. We actually almost come to blows in front of customers.

I know much of it is jealousy. Though she demanded that my siblings and I be educated, she's now resentful of us for having opportunities she did not. I know this is not uncommon for mothers and daughters.

I don't know how to talk to this woman but I don't want to live any more of my life doing what I think she expects of me.

How do I have this conversation? What do I say?

Right now I'm leaning toward moving to Europe and writing her a letter. This is, of course, a joke.

Help me distance myself from my family (and not feel guilty).

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 23:19:34 -0800

Help me distance myself from my family (and not feel guilty). I have struggled with depression for years. My mom alternates between "supportive" and putting in little digs about how helpless and unsuccesful I am. Long story short, I have begun to feel that my mother is invested in keeping me down.

My therapist has built up my ego to the point where I finally don't beat myself up about everything and I am able to stand up for myself a bit more. I am *finally* starting to feel...well...sorta good! However, this has made me even more incompatible with my family (esp. mom) than I ever was before. Just talking to her usually puts me in a bad mood. It reminds me just how invalidating she was my whole life.

I fantasize about cutting off all contact but I doubt I would ever be able to do so. Yet they (mom especially) are extremely toxic. Although well meaning, I feel they don't validate me, my feelings or my choices. Quite the opposite.

How can I put more distance between us? How can I put the brake on my mom's "helpful" (underminging) comments and behavior?

Addt'l info: My mom truly is impossible; with my siblings, I think the issue is more a disatisfaction about the relationship not being what I wish it would be. For example, we don't talk often, aren't really close, and I don't feel very understood by them. This makes me feel really sad and disappointed when I talk to them..

Partner vs family. Let the battle commence.

aprivateperson — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 08:36:11 -0800

In a nutshell, my fiancee hates my family. Through a series of snubs and impoliteness (by her definition, not mine), my fiancee has come to hate my family. In particular, my sisters. I'm not that close to them, but I don't want them out of my life either by a long stretch. And she doesn't care for most of my friends either, the online ones in particular.

The latest spat has come about because my sister mentioned that there was a job in a different part of the country, which my fiancee took to meaning that she was trying to interfere in the relationship, and take me away from the area that she loves and the house we live in.

The one before that, she refused to spend Christmas with them even though it was "our" turn to spend Christmas with them (she having insisted that we spend Christmas with her family last year). So I spent Christmas with my family, she spent Christmas with hers in tears and it's been various forms of drama ever since.

While I can see her point of view and can understand why she might feel snubbed etc., I feel that the "punishment" she has dished out - she doesn't ever want to see them, invite them to any wedding etc. - is OTT.

The trouble is, I love her. She loves me. I've never felt more at home and comfortable with anyone else when things are going well. And then my sister or a disliked friend will call or email, and then the fireworks fly.

So how do you decide which is more important? I think the two are equally important, but maybe I'm wrong here.

(btw, do you let your partner read your email?)

For fact fans: both in our early/mid-30s, engaged, met two years ago, engaged 14 months ago, I moved in with her (cross-country)7 months ago, not set a date.

How do you put up with your family?

Anonymous — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 10:52:41 -0800

I am looking for advice on how to tactfully deal with difficult family members when it comes to my lifestyle. You know there's A brief description of the situation: I am a 30-something married, happy, vegetarian, laid-back, child-less (and wanting to stay that way), woman. My husband and I moved away from my home state a few years back. My parents are divorced, my father and his mother (my grandmother) live together (she's up there in age & would never consider senior housing). My mother's been out of the picture for a long time. My father has always been quiet, cynical & negative. My grandmother is used to getting her way all the time, and can complain about anything.

It was quite nice to move away from them. Not that I don't love them, or want to spend a little time with them, but they made me feel obligated to visit when I lived just a few miles from them. The time spent with them was awkard, mostly listening to my grandmother complain.
Anyway, I did my family duty & was very understanding and accepting of them, out of respect and my unshakable sense of family obligation and not upsetting others.

Coincidentally, my husband and I moved near my older sister and her family. Living near them has been ok. I love seeing my nephew and niece, both young toddlers. My sister and her husband are living in a lot of dept & seem to always be buying more. They're quite a mess - but I wouldn't dare comment on their lifestyle because it's not my place. I spend time with them, but it's getting increasingly more difficult because my sister always seems to have mean things to say to me.

To complicate matters, my father and grandmother sold their house and bought one here, near us. I am assuming it was to be closer to family. I think he feels we are responsible for making him happy. Now they complain about living here like it's our fault for not telling them everyting they might possibly have not liked about the area. My father will never seek therapy, and I believe he's been mildly depressed for most of his life.

So now there's obviously much more time for family get-togethers, which is fine, but I'm getting sick of comments made to me. Everyone wants me to have kids and they just don't understand that I don't ever want them. They think something's wrong with that. I get remarks for being vegetarian. "What? you won't eat something cooked in chicken broth? that's taking it too far." Mind you - I do a lot of the cooking & my husband always cooks a meat dish for them. My sister doesn't know how to cook & my father won't, and my grandmother's too old.
And my sister loves to try to put me down in front of everyone. She tries to imply that i'm selfish because I don't have kids, or that i have a drinking problem (I definitely don't!), or that I'm "smoking doobies" and cigarettes - (I have no clue where she gets this from, or why she wants to bring it up in front of my dad - is she trying to get me in trouble? She's freakin' 41 years old!.)

Anyway, this is rather long so I'll try to get to my questions - My husband and I are planning on moving far away in about 10 months. We have not told anyone & won't until our plans are more set. I think that will really upset my father & I think it will make my sister jealous to the point that she will shoot down our plans at any chance she gets. We'll end up seeing them at least once a year after the move - and that's how I want it. That and phone calls every month. They obviously want more. So - how do you ease off the family without upsetting them? And how do you ignore everyone else's opionions and pressures and go about your life without feeling obligated or guilty for pretty much wanting to abandon your family? Am I being harsh? I just want to do my thing and be happy with my husband! Is my family poison??
Thanks for reading - and sorry about the length!