Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and exes

Do I tell my ex how I feel?

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 18:33:02 -0800

My ex-boyfriend is moving out of the state and things feel unresolved. I don't want to regret not expressing my thoughts, but am worried my unloading on him pre-move is unfair. He broke up with me a year ago (after being together for over three) and while we both dated other people afterwards (me much more seriously than him), there's still a lot of things that were never worked out in terms of what happened. At the time, we were on a short break, in which I moved out. After a couple of weeks, he couldn't do it anymore but wasn't ready to get back together either, so he broke up with me. We've talked and seen one another about half a dozen times and email occasionally. He admits he still loves me.

We are one another's first loves. I'm 30, he's 29. I'm not sure if I just don't know how to deal with being broken up with when I'm still in love with that person, or if I should be making a last ditch effort to see if it could work.

The biggest problem is that he's moving very soon and could potentially start dating a girl he's been talking to that lives where he's going. (He told me about her, though seemed to come up with excuses that made it sound pretty casual). He's also said many times that he'd most likely not be out there more than a year.

I'm at a loss. I don't know if I should keep my mouth shut or spill my guts. I accept that he's leaving, I guess I just want to know if we have a chance sometime in the future.

Should I be jealous?

xyla2000 — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:57:57 -0800

Relationship Filter: I dated this guy for a month. We broke up a few weeks ago mainly because I am moving this summer. We have overlapping friends and hang out at the same places, which was fine until last week. He hooked up with a girl that I also know. Since we aren't together, I really don't care, but I think he does. Am I wrong not to be jealous? I'm sorry for going into so much detail(again) but in order to get good advice I figure I should thoroughly explain the situation.

So we were friends for a while then we dated, which was great while it lasted. I knew going in that it wasn't a long-term thing because I'll be overseas by the end of summer and he's staying in the US. Although I initiated the break up, he completely agreed. We've hung out since and it was fun and platonic.

But, last week, a friend(who didn't know that I had dated him because I don't like publicizing my relationship status) told me that her friend has "hooked up" with him. I don't really know what that means exactly, but I wasn't surprised. I've seen her friend hit on him on many occasions. Actually, once she explicitly tried to get him to have sex with her in the bathroom of a bar. I realize it sounds really slutty, but she is also attractive and can be a lot of fun when she isn't too drunk.

The night before her friend told me, though, he and I had watched a movie together at his house. As I was getting ready to go home, he acted surprised that I was leaving and tried to convince me to spend the night. But I left anyway because I knew if I spent the night, our relationship would not be platonic. Then tonight, I ran into him at a bar. He was absorbed in conversation with his friends so I didn't say hi. At one point, I happen to turn around and I see this other girl all over him, whispering in his ear and what not, but he's staring at me. We make eye contact and he rolls his eyes. I just smiled and went back to my conversation. When i got up to leave, he came up to me and did this awkward hug-like thing with one hand over my shoulder and the other on my ribs right below my breast, and said "see you soon, right?" (Yes, it was as awkward as it sounds.)

So here's the question: what does all this mean and how do I handle this situation? I'm not the jealous type and I like to keep out of other people's drama. I engaged with both of them tonight with the same warmth and friendliness that I always do because what their relationship may be is separate from my relationship with each one of them individually. Should I be jealous? He still notices when other guys hit on me and is pretty sensitive to it. But it doesn't bother me. Should I tell him that I like this girl and I don't mind him dating other people? Is he trying to get my attention? For the record, we'd still be dating if I wasn't leaving, so I understand that we both still have feelings for each other. But I also know how much it hurts leaving someone you care a lot about behind, so I am not really eager to get more involved.

Thank you ahead of time!

How do I deal with my ex-boyfriend's (who I dumped) new girlfriend being everywhere?

patientpatient — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 12:08:16 -0800

I dumped my boyfriend about a year ago and even though things are amiable, I can't help but be annoyed by his new girlfriend. We haven't ever had a conversation, but for whatever reason, it boils my blood to see her all over Facebook, tagging him in photos and friend-ing all of our mutual friends. I don't think this is jealousy, but I'm not sure how to deal with my absolute annoyance. Is this normal behavior?

Exes and D'ohs.

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:53:42 -0800

Last night my girlfriend became moderately upset with me because I didn't want to meet her ex-boyfriend. So what? We were going to a bar to meet some friends. It was expected that he'd be there too. We got there and the table was full. She started catching up with him, at which point the two other friends that came in with us went and found somewhere else to sit. My girlfriend wanted to introduce us but apparently I left for the other table before she had the chance. I told her that's okay, I wasn't too excited about meeting him anyway. I tried to leave it at that.

She says we'd probably like one another. That might be true. I've got nothing personal against this guy, still I feel like I don't want to meet him. Why should I? It might be relevant that she left him to be with me last June.

Post-Breakup Friendship Battles

FuManchu — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 06:23:07 -0800

My girlfriend of four years broke up with me. We're stuck in the same small clique for a while. How do I manage to still see all of our mutual friends? Do I just give up on seeing "her" friends? My ex and I are both in our mid-twenties and were together on-again off-again for four years, though we always kept in touch even in the "off" periods. It's completely over at this point, though: two months ago she had a thunderbolt experience and fell in love with someone else while abroad, decided to cut off all contact with me to pursue that, and break up with me a week after the fact. She's continuing that relationship. However, she's returned, and we're living in the same city for at least another six months.

We're in a foreign city, and most of our friends are mutual, and are part of the same small clique. I came to the city 8 months after she did, have been working 14 hour days, and spent every minute of free time I had around her; needless to say, I have almost zero friends who didn't meet her first. I've also been quite depressed, which made it difficult to make good friends of my own.

The ex and I have been in touch a few times since her return, and we were civil when in public together. However, even seeing me in public is too difficult for her, so we're stopping that for a while.

And I now feel like she's now competing for our friends' time, while I've been more laissez-faire. I don't really know how to compete for "friend-time", and would probably lose to her in a direct head-on "friend-time" fight. I recognize that everyone knows her and likes her better than me.

Examples:

She organized a giant Thanksgiving dinner at her place, which all of our friends went to, and didn't tell me about it. I learned about it from friends (one who told me they were surprised I wasn't invited). I could understand not being included, but it was still a very painful experience. I asked her to discuss the friend situation after this, but she became angry and said there's nothing to discuss. We're no longer speaking.

I organized a post-dinner event this weekend, hoping to see some of the friends I'd only been in touch with over email lately, and informed her of it. She then organized a dinner event with a number of those invited, who told me they wouldn't be able to make it to mine.

So what do I do? How do I make sure that I can still see those friends? Should I figure out who are "her" friends, and not expect to see them? Do I have to discuss the options with each friend?

This is all very confusing, as I've never had a breakup with mutual friends, let alone one in such close quarters. I'd be happy if anyone shared similar experiences, as well.

[Also, I've not bitched about her to our friends, or asked them to be conduits of information. I don't want to be "that guy" who only talks about his ex. This has actually been incredibly difficult for me, as I've had no one to support me here. AskMe archives have provided a plethora of sympathy and advice, though! And I can complain about her as much as I want!]

Should I give back a ring that my ex's mom gave me?

wejones — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 09:34:02 -0800

Relationship Etiquette Filter: I had forgotten that I still have a gift that an ex's mom gave to me several years ago. It supposedly had sentimental value, and I feel weird about keeping it. Will I offend by trying to return it? Oh boy, there's way Okay. Thanks for looking. Some back-story is necessary. I'm a straight male, BTW.

My last girlfriend and I broke up in 2000 after living together for two years, dating for three. The break up wasn't on the best of terms, due more to a slow decline of the relationship rather than any real animosity. From my point of view, there wasn't much left to say to one another, and I continue to feel that way, though I wouldn't wish her squished by a bus or eaten by bears.

Around the midpoint of our relationship (mid '98), I became ill, and was in the hospital and in treatment for quite a while. During that time, my then girlfriend and I watched our parents become quite close (our families spent Thanksgiving together), and her mom was especially kind to me. Christmas '98, my ex's mom gave me a hammered gold and jade ring, with a message that indicated that it had belonged to someone special, and that come what may, she wanted me to have it. The ring wasn't my style, so I never wore it, but I was really moved and put the ring in a safe place.

And forgot about it.

Now, there's a lot of water under the bridge, and I am engaged to someone else, and I feel weird about continuing to have this ring. I don't think it was expensive, really; it's the sentimental value to another that bothers me. My ex told me at one point that the ring had been given to her mother by a (boy?)friend before he died. I feel like this ring really belongs with my ex's mom, or that I should at least make the offer of returning it.

But, I don't want to offend anyone, and the situation presents the additional wrinkle of having to get in touch with my ex to try and get the ring back to her mom. I'm not really eager to have contact with this girl, and I am leery of opening a line of communication that I have had to make an effort to close.

So, MeFi, what should I do? Leave it alone, and accept the gift as it was intended? Risk offending (and encouraging continued contact I don't want) by trying to return something that means more to another than it does to me? Your thoughts are much appreciated.

Let's not be friends

Anonymous — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 21:12:46 -0800

My ex-boyfriend wants to be friends. I don't. After a long period of not speaking, my ex is being all normal and friendly towards me. I'm pretty sure that in his mind, our interaction == we're friends. I do not consider us so, and I admit this is partly out of my own bitterness at how things ended.

I still have feelings for him, so a real friendship would be difficult. Right now, I deal with him by being civil. But frankly? I don't want to know how he is. I don't want to know about his interactions with other girls, or if he point-blank has somebody new. I don't want to hear about his life or any part of it. I just want him to leave me alone. (Or beg me to take him back, hee!)

Either way, each interaction now makes me uncomfortable and at a loss as to how to respond without giving the wrong message. Online, I'm already invisible in all ways one can be invisible, but it's not like I can ban him from commenting in my journal or block his e-mail addresses without expecting some kind of a puzzled follow-up. I don't want to be cold, or a bitch. We are both docile introverts, too sensitive for our own good.

While I don't want to be pretend-friends, I don't want to burn bridges either. How do I handle this delicate balancing act?

Breaking the news to your ex(es).

veronica sawyer — Thu, 31 Mar 2005 08:42:00 -0800

What is the kindest way to tell an ex (or exes) that you've gotten married? Particularly if you are worried that an ex might have hoped (despite your insistance that it was over) that the two of you would get back together, how do you phrase it? Where should you tell this person? What sort of explanation do you owe him/her?

Fantasizing About an Ex

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Nov 2004 13:12:05 -0800

How do you ween yourself from fantasizing about an ex? I'm a twentysomething female who was in a long distance, long term (4+ years) relationship that recently went sour. Basically, the biggest problem had to do with sex (I still wanted my partner but he apparently lost interest in me physically). Now, I'm good when it comes to making a clean break in the manifested-social-interaction sense; I don't stalk or google exes or call them up randomly just to be "friends" or initiate contact ever after break ups. But in this case, I can't stop myself from wanting this person in my head. When I daydream/fantasize sexually, he is always my partner and everything is what I wished it had been but wasn't in the last month or so of our relationship. I would prefer it if people offered me constructive ways to stop doing this rather than telling me I should just accept it--it is painful for me and I just want to move on through and through, inside and out. Dating (rebounding to forget him) isn't really the answer either--I have made a well-thought-out decision to remain single for a while as I get myself together on my own terms. I'm hoping there's something besides just the whole "time heals all wounds" adage that can help me get through this.

Friendship with an Ex?

amberglow — Fri, 22 Oct 2004 15:46:33 -0800

Friendship with an Ex? (added wrinkle: 17 year age difference, and of course, more inside) no, not me--i'm posting for a friend who needs advice from guys. A 40-year-old woman (looks younger) has a relationship with a 20-something guy for 2 years. They were best friends and lovers, and she taught him things, from house stuff to job stuff to love stuff. Now they've broken up (the guy now has his first "real" girlfriend who is 8 years older than him), and my friend misses the friendship they had together--they don't even speak at all now. She says, "I just have a problem with feeling like I lost a great friendship. I've never had a friendship with, nor dated anyone that much younger than myself and I wonder if this is just the way it works?"

Being a big fag (who always dates older guys), i'm not much help to her.