Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and ex

Teaching an old dog new tricks...that I learned from another dog.

blackcatcuriouser — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:50:20 -0800

How can I teach my ex what I've learned while we were apart? My ex-boyfriend and I are in talks about getting back together. We've been broken up for a little less than a year, in what was a mutual, amicable breakup. We haven't discussed our sexual involvements with other people during the separation period (feel it's unnecessary, as long as we're both still clean - which we are.) We both know we got physical with other people while we were broken up (for various reasons that aren't important to the question) but haven't talked details, which I think we both prefer.

I had a brief fling with a guy over the summer. It was exciting while it lasted and the sex was unbelievable. He dropped some moves on me that I'd never ever seen and my body did things I didn't know it could do. (I'll spare you the salacious details but rest assured...it was good.) We would also use dirty talk in our pre-coital flirtations and it was a major turn-on. This is something I'd never done in the many years of dating my ex and is something my ex has said he's uncomfortable doing.

Summer fling guy is way out of the picture now, as it was a totally casual thing with no emotional involvement. I'm not interested in seeing him again, nor will I. I would like to work on getting back together with my ex, whom I love. Sex with the ex has always been good, but I'm worried that now that I've discovered some new, almost life-changing things that excite me, I won't feel entirely satisfied by him.

I want to reach the same sexual high with him that I did with Summerfling. I realize this probably requires a "Hey, why don't we try this?" or a "I'd love it if you did thisthing." I'd like to suggest some new things for us to do, or rather, new things for him to do to more efficiently get me off, without him feeling like I was comparing him to people I'd slept with while we were broken up. Admittedly, that's probably where my mind would go too if he started suggesting all these new things he was never into before. Added challenge: My ex and I have very different communication styles. He's very awkward about any sort of sex talk; gets kind of uncomfortable.

So how do I broach this topic with him if and when we get back together? Is it something I can gently ease him into during sex? Should it be a separate conversation?

I don't really know why this has to be awkward.

flawsekno — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:38:49 -0800

College freshman drama: After knowing A. for a week, I dated him for two; I was the one who broke it off. A month later, I started dating D. It's been three weeks since that started and things have been fantastic, except A. still refuses to talk to either one of us. This is awkward because we all live in the same dorm. Is there anything I can do to make things smoother? Yes, this is fairly typical college freshman drama; my apologies, and I'll try to keep things short.

I think that A.'s overreacting, but I did make a lot of mistakes while dealing with him. It was the first time dating for him; I was coming off of a messy quasi-relationship/break-up from the summer, and I entered into this relationship with A. much too quickly (more or less right when we got to college) partially to reassure myself that I was capable of a normal relationship. I broke things off because I was feeling overwhelmed and because I wasn't really into him--I only told him the former. I also told him that I wouldn't be dating D. about a week before I started doing exactly that--oops. It wasn't a lie at the time, but I did change my mind awfully fast. I've apologized to A. about this--the only (short, awkward) conversation we've had since I started dating D. Basically, I acted horribly.

Still, A.'s an interesting person and I miss talking to him, or at least having him greet me back when I say hi; I also dislike feeling like I have to police how I act towards D. in A.'s presence (not in the sense of restraining myself from unbridled makeouts, but in the sense of avoiding couple-y in-jokes and hand-holding, etc.). Neither D. nor I have been avoiding him or actively trying to see him, and I say hi and smile when I see him, but A. doesn't respond and generally tries to avoid being in the same room as us. We all see a lot of each other since we live in the same small (50-person) dorm. These are minor annoyances, but I'd like things to be less awkward if at all possible. Is there any chance that A. and I can have normal conversations in the near future, and if so, is there anything I can do to facilitate that transition? Should I be careful about how I act towards or talk to D. in A.'s presence, or should I just have A. deal with it? I don't want to be any more of a jerk to A. than I've already been.

Again, this isn't a big deal, but thanks so much for all your help!

Am I the dick in this situation?

Venadium — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:33:52 -0800

A friend of mine is currently pretty pissed at me because I'm about to hang out with a girl that's friends with his ex's sister. In his mind it's only a matter of time before I'm hanging out with his ex too. Is he being an irrational dick, or will continuing to hang out with this girl only result in me getting a taste of my own dick medicine? I can understand where he's coming from as I was less than thrilled when my friends were hanging out with my ex, but that isn't exactly the case here.

Leave me alone!

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 07:33:14 -0800

Ex-boyfriend mails crazy letter to my family. Seems to have totally lost it, and concocted a conspiracy theory that they were out to get him, and will somehow end up destroying my life. I. Am. Freaked. Out. Next steps? I broke up with this guy about 2+ years ago. Did not exhibit any sort of crazy paranoiac behaviors when we dated, but his mother has pretty severe mental problems in which she also feels like random people are out to get her. We broke up, as many people do, because we just weren’t right for each other. He was a pretty good boyfriend. Hard working, funny, caring.

After we broke up, Ex moved away, and we had light, normal "hey how’s it going" exchanges via email, phone now and then. Saw him about a year ago and things were "off" - seemed like his personal/professional life in his new home wasn’t going well at all, seemed highly uncomfortable in his own skin.

About six months ago, he called me when I was really, really drunk. Basically said "your family is out to get you, they will break up whatever relationship you have and make you miserable." He claims they did sneaky things to let him know he wasn’t wanted around me, but I doubt that seriously. The family in question, while being a little high strung and prone to worrying, are dear people who care about me so much, and would never ever do anything to hurt me. I was really, really drunk, don’t remember the whole conversation and didn’t really have my wits about me to tell him off. I think I tried to tell him that yes, my family is sort of crazy, but would never do anything to hurt me. I think I tried to talk him out of feeling this way, but it clearly didn’t work. I didn’t contact him after the phone call because I was made so uncomfortable about it. Maybe I should have...

The letter, which my family read me, seems totally insane. Told them that I've been in therapy "because of them" and that I think they are crazy. They know I've been in therapy and it has something to with family issues, but in reality it has very little to do with them. They said there might be blood on the letter, and that it ended with "last time I saw you (my college graduation, I'm guessing) I should have punched you in the mouth. Next time you won’t be so lucky."

A) I'm upset that he's contacted them directly. He must have gone through my phone book to get their address. These kind people don’t deserve this kind of stress.

B) Frankly, I'm worried about my personal safety, but moreover their personal safety. Do we go to the cops? I generally don’t trust cops and don’t think they'd really do anything in the first place.

C) After I was told about the letter, I called and left a message on the Ex's voicemail stating "Hey, I heard you sent my family a letter. Don’t do that again. If you have issues you want to discuss, call me." Was that the right thing to do?

What should I do? I’ve never been in this sort of relationship/ex drama before, and I'm clueless. My end goals are that he never contacts my family again, and generally doesn’t contact me either. I want to feel safe again. I’ve got a great job, great boyfriend – my life is awesome. I don’t want him meddling. I'm very sad that it seems he's completely lost his mind, but I don’t want to get involved in his mental issues. Sorry for the length.

People are not Pokemon. Stop trying to keep them all.

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 17:36:59 -0800

How can I reign in jealousy? I am in a happy long-term relationship and we are planning our marriage.

An old flame recently contacted me after 3 years of non-contact and we have begun a friendship. Whenever he mentions individuals he is attracted to, I become jealous. I am not interested in romance with this man, we were unsuited in the majority of areas and I am engaged to my soul-mate.

It feels almost like an "well, if I couldn't have you, no-one else will!" reaction to his having romantic relationships with other people. I don't understand this emotional reaction -- my cognitive approach to exes is usually of the "I wasn't perfect for them, and so it is best for them and me that they find someone that is" ethos.

I feel that this jealousy is unproductive because it is preventing me from being friendly with my ex and it is beginning to intrude into other areas of my life through rumination and anxiety.

Any advice on how to "talk down" this jealousy or rephrase my thoughts, CBT-style, would be much appreciated. I have good knowledge and experience with CBT but have never rephrased jealousy-type emotions.

Sexy ex sabotage

idle — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 10:37:49 -0800

How to tolerate his flirtatious ex? (slightly NSFW) So, long story short, but my boyfriend had gone out with her for 3 years and they broke up a few months before he met me (he dumped her because he didn't see things going anywhere). I didn't really know about her for awhile, but slowly the picture became clear.

The "friend" he was occasionally having dinner with was her. It doesn't really bother me he was hanging out with and ex, but it did irk me that he had to hide it. It became clear why as the months went on. She is not over him. Apparently she still wants to have sex with him and still brings it up in their conversations, a la, OMG I still want to have sex with you or do you still want to look at my breasts. She is clearly trying to get him to cheat or try to sabotage our relationship.

I honestly have trouble not being suspicious. I told him that I think it's inappropriate for either of us to be friends with other people who are very open about wanting sex. He said that he wouldn't care if I was friends with a sex-crazed ex and that I was being posessive.

Is this a doomed relationship? Is it even worth it to try to say "hey, I'm not doing this relationship unless you lay down the law with her about being a flirt, give her some space, or don't see her at all."

It's hard for me because I don't want to be controlling, try to change him, and I understand why it might be hard to cut ties with someone you were together with for so long even if they are being awful. He doesn't want to talk about it much or make a decision, but I feel dejected and upset that my relatively new relationship is being messed with before we have time to build trust together.

Ex ex go away, I don't ever want to think about you again

Anonymous — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 11:25:31 -0800

I don't want to be the bitch new girlfriend, but I also am upset by traces of his ex. What to do? Yeah, so last night I opened up some photo organizing software on his computer so I could put some of our pictures on my flashdrive. Lo and behold...compromising pictures of his ex-girlfriend. They just broke up a month ago and he said he hadn't looked at them. I asked him whether he thought keeping them was wrong and he said "well...I feel like deleting pictures of us is like deleting part of my life...I was with her for 4 years"

I did get him to delete them, but I feel upset about the whole situation. My philosophy was keep the pictures of ex in front of Rushmore, but it's rude to keep the smut. I'm also upset that he had dinner with her and said "I'm having dinner with a friend."

Honestly, I ended a relationship about a month ago too and his pictures and "hanging out" with him ended along with the relationship. I feel that is the way things should be. I think having them around, whether in compromising pictures or to dinner, is wrong and stupid. I don't want to see her pictures or find the box from the pizza they ate the night before. I just really really really hate her.

I've never been in such a situation before. What is the etiquette for pictures and "hanging out"? Should I just get over this or should I be distrustful? Ack, I don't know what to do.

Getting Over Him

Anonymous — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 21:02:04 -0800

How do I stop thinking about a jerky ex-boyfriend now that I'm with someone really great? I dated a guy for about 5 months last year. He broke up with me over a year ago. I was very unhappy when we broke up but now I really do realize it was the best thing that could have happened. He was well-intentioned but a jerk in the end. I have since met someone else who is everything I ever wanted and could not be more wonderful and kind and fantastic. We've been together 10 months and live together. I love him and he loves me. So why do I still have these recurring thoughts about the ex? I check his website, I search out his name in newspapers. I wonder what he's doing. I'm terrified of running into him (we all live in the same town). His presence haunts me and I want it to stop. I have not contacted him for many months though he has made attempts at contacting me that I have rebuffed. I am NOT interested in him in any way. I'm sort of embarrassed that we were ever even together. I feel terrible and guilty that his jerky ghost is present in my life with the guy that I am now with. My wonderful partner knows that I dated another guy for a while before we met and that I was hurt by the breakup but does not know that I think about the ex. What's worse is that the thoughts seem to be more prevalent lately. It sucks and I want it to stop! How do I leave the stupid ex behind? I'm 41 and female, if it makes any difference.

Can I get him back?

Anonymous — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 18:28:06 -0800

Very touchy situation with my ex almost but not quite boyfriend. Any and all insight appreciated. [I am asking this for my friend who is just joining metafilter and doesn't have asking priviledges yet. Thanks!]

At the beginning of this year, I met and started dating a wonderful awesome guy. Everything was peachy and good until I messed it all up.

After a few months of seeing eachother, he made the very reasonable request to be exclusive with eachother. And I, partially out of selfishness and partially because of old wounds, told him no but said we should keep on dating with a "we'll see." He literally cried when I told him that but agreed to keep seeing me.

About a month after that talk he decided to break up with me because of my failure to commit. As soon as I knew he meant business and was ready to leave me for good I saw the mistake I had made and threw myself at his feet and told him I would commit and be everything I should have been from the start.

No dice. He told me that the talk where I callously refused him had cut him deeper than anything on earth and his feelings for me had been dying ever since.

So we both walked.

It became apparent through several channels (mutual friends, his myspace profile) that he was immediately throwing himself headfirst straight into a relationship with another woman.

I resolved to just let it go until I got a text from him roughly seven days after the official "it's over" talk. He was chatty and we texted for an hour or so, and we ended up making plans to grab lunch together. (I suggested it and he agreed very enthusiastically) This lunch is coming up in the near future.

I'd still like to have him back if I can, and this gives me a glimmer of hope.

From a guys perspective, how likely is it you'd text your ex and agree to meet for lunch if you were supposedly all into some new woman?

How can I best feel him out and maximize my chances of winning him back?

I guess I would just like some advice and insights into this from all perspectives as much as possible. Am I reading too much into it?

I'm making myself miserable!

trampesque — Sun, 20 May 2007 10:03:59 -0800

How can I stop thinking about my boyfriend's past loves? I really am becoming quite crazily obsessed with this. I'm having trouble sleeping and have lost weight as a consequence (despite no loss in appetite). Basically, this is my first relationship. We're more than a few months in now, we both love each other and everything is genuinely fantastic. He is absolutely amazing.

The problem is, in my head, I can't stop thinking about the fact that, before me, there was a five-year relationship. I'm driving myself crazy with thoughts like "He can't love me as much as I love him, because he's been here before", and "Everything he does with/says to/experiences with me, it's my first time, but he's done it all before, so it's invalid for him, or means less". I obsess about how much he loved her, how much prettier/smarter/funnier she was than me, the fact that all of his friends - now my friends too - are still friends with her and see her and like her (more than me, probably)

Clearly this is not aided by the fact that I am insecure, paranoid and suffer from anxiety and have deep issues with believing people like - especially love - me. Fortunately he's not aware of any of this (I'm good at hiding it all. We've never discussed it, and when it has come up he's been great about the fact that there are discrepancies with our past experiences. He feels bad, but hey, what can he do?).

I don't really know what my question is here, except maybe 'is this normal' and 'will it stop'? Maybe 'how do you just put out of your head that someone you love, loved someone before, for longer, and had sex with them, and shared the same kinds of experiences that you're having with them now?'

I've even gotten to the point where, as much as I love him, absolutely and totally and can't imagine ever not loving him, I feel like I might have to end it, to stop all this constant and time-consuming stress I've got going on. I feel like I'm starting to destroy this relationship from the inside out. I hate myself for not being able to just be happy, when I've got such an amazing thing going on and he's so happy with me (I say it, you see, but I don't believe it. I really don't get what he's doing with me.) Also, anyone I have mentioned it to has said "try not to think about it". I would like to point out that this is the worst advice to ever give anyone, ever. If I could try not to/succeed in not thinking about it, there wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

Dreams about the ex

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 14:44:55 -0800

Why do I continue to have dreams about my ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago? Daniel was my first real relationship and we were sophomores in high school. We were friends for a very long time, but the romantic part of the relationship was only a few months long, and ended badly. A few years after we were out of high school, we ran into each other once, had a few drinks together and laughed about how silly and young we were. We ended up thisclose to having sex that night, but decided against it for various reasons. We live in separate cities and only chat via email these days every few months and get along fine now.

I am currently in a very happy committed relationship of 5 years and we will be getting married soon. I love current guy and can't imagine being without him (hence the marriage).

Inexplicably, I still dream about Daniel at least monthly. I've had them for years, no matter who I'm dating or how the current relationship is going. The dreams are warm and fuzzy and make me smile when I wake up. They're not even usually sexual in nature.

Why do I continue to dream about him? Does it mean anything? Is this a normal experience? Should I tell my fiance about it or just keep it to myself as my happy little secret?

Are we too young?

apfel — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 07:02:19 -0800

LongDistanceFilter: Ok, well technically we're broken up but its purely for strategic reasons. But we both believe that we both have serious long term potencial, the only problem is that circumstances are against us. Ho boy, I know you guys love these.

I'm 21, he's 20. This is a major factor, how young we are. We've known each other for a year and had been dating for 7mo before he left. Simply put, this is the healthiest, most fulfulling relationship I've had yet. We work extremely well together, problem solve well together, intense physical attraction, respectful, mature, the list goes on.
I am by no means an idealist. I've considered every possible situation with great skepticism. I don't want to get into something that is based on a fantasy. I know deciding who you want to be with for the rest of your life isn't easy, and living out that time isn't easy either.

The other side? He's gone for an academic year, 4 months in the UK, 5 in France. This is my senior year at college, I'll be graduating by the time he comes back. Granted I'll be within an hour reach when he's home again but we don't know how long that will last. We both want to go to grad school, we haven't a plan for ourselves, let alone our future. All we know is that we want this to continue. We've both decided to break up so we are able to make the best of our situations, my senior year, his year abroad. We've accepted the fact that we may fool around with other people, that is understandable.

However we've both got it in for each other real bad. We've discussed what the future may hold already, but we're both freaked out because we're so young. That said, I still can't see myself leading a life without him.

I'm just starting to think this may be a disasterous situation once our luck has been pulled out from us. The last thing I want is to have a falling out with him because the stress became too great.

I've read about other MeFites who've had long distances relationships going on for years, let alone our paltry 9 mo. Read that people doubt their marriages soon after they've got em. I've done a lot of reading to make sure I don't screw things up. But it's just reading.
This is the biggest thing for me yet. We're both doubting our decision to break up, that's natural. Would getting together be a bad move, guys? Would it be a bad move to get into such a serious relationship so soon?

Feelings for the ex?

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Sep 2006 17:50:01 -0800

To what extent is it okay/normal to have feelings for one's ex? What if you're in a new, very serious, relationship? Things ended with the ex in question not so much because of a lack of passion but because we were simply incompatible in everyway pertaining to life in the real world. In a vacuum, we would have been fine. We had several aborted attempts at reconciliation, which always started out secretly, one-on-one (i.e., in a vacuum) but soon became unbearable when we have to face reality.

Now I am in a wonderful relationship that works very well in terms of reality, but isn't always as passionate (what real relationship is?) as the one I had with my ex.

From time to time (quite often, actually), I think of my ex, just as I often thought of him before one of our ill-fated attempts. I know that I am being unrealistic, and that even if I were single, I would not to be with him. Still, I can't shake the reoccuring thought (which has reoccured since I met him 5 years ago) that I am "in love" with him. I have reason to believe that he still have similar feelings for me.

I am also in love with my S.O., but it's different, comfortable, much realer than odd feelings I have for the ex.

Is this healthy? How can I make it stop?

Here we go again

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Nov 2005 13:19:31 -0800

I screwed up a relationship once, and I'm doing it again. Someone stop me. Last year I got involved with my friends ex, which caused problems for all involved. I didnt do the chasing, she came on to me.

Fast-forward to today, and the exact same things is happening again - to the same friends ex.

I never got on well with this new girl, but since they broke up I've spent time with her and we have grown closer and found things in common, but I know she is completely off-limits. Yesterday she told me shes really into me, and because I'm so weak-willed I can't say no. Why do I do this to myself? (I'm thinking I like playing with fire, or that I'm an idiot).

Fantasizing About an Ex

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Nov 2004 13:12:05 -0800

How do you ween yourself from fantasizing about an ex? I'm a twentysomething female who was in a long distance, long term (4+ years) relationship that recently went sour. Basically, the biggest problem had to do with sex (I still wanted my partner but he apparently lost interest in me physically). Now, I'm good when it comes to making a clean break in the manifested-social-interaction sense; I don't stalk or google exes or call them up randomly just to be "friends" or initiate contact ever after break ups. But in this case, I can't stop myself from wanting this person in my head. When I daydream/fantasize sexually, he is always my partner and everything is what I wished it had been but wasn't in the last month or so of our relationship. I would prefer it if people offered me constructive ways to stop doing this rather than telling me I should just accept it--it is painful for me and I just want to move on through and through, inside and out. Dating (rebounding to forget him) isn't really the answer either--I have made a well-thought-out decision to remain single for a while as I get myself together on my own terms. I'm hoping there's something besides just the whole "time heals all wounds" adage that can help me get through this.