Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and etiquette

What is proper dating etiquette?

mintchip — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:52:54 -0800

What is proper dating etiquette? I used to always date one guy at a time. However, this left me waiting for him to call and with no back up plan if things din't work out. Over time, I realized that getting exclusive prior to knowing someone limits one's opportunities prematurely--before you have any real idea what type of person someone is or what they are looking for.

In the end, I am seeking a serious relationship. However, I now am comfortable taking a more slow, casual approach towards dating and I think it's helped limit some of the anxiety about dating that caused me problems in the past.

My question is this. It seems rather tacky to tell someone you have a date planned with someone else. At the same time, if you are seeing someone naturally they will ask what you are doing on other days and maybe who you are spending time with. It seems a little dishonest to say "I'm going to xyz with a friend." What is the best way to handle this sort of question?

Early on (before "the talk") it's assumed that you are dating more than one person, right?

Foot Met Mouth--Now What?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:25:28 -0800

Re: Work Interview Etiquette. I messed up bad. I don't know what to do or if I should do anything. The scenario (names will be changed): I work on a fed govt installation, the nature of internal jobs is a little different than in the private sector. Got notice of an interview for a job (not one I really wanted since I just got a new job, but I decided to go to the interview just for kicks). I checked with someone--an older lady from an old job who worked in a related field--about what I could expect. She called me and told me the job was essentially a dead-end job, she knew the person who had the now vacant job and that person hated it and was so grateful to FINALLY (after SEVEN years!) get out. She also told me she knew the guy doing the interview, but didn't really say anything derogatory about him. Great, so after learning that, I pretty much knew I didn't want it and wouldn't accept it even if it was offered.

Fast-forward to the interview today. The guy is really dry and in my trying-to-be-perky way, I start to ramble, when he asks me if I have any questions about the job. WHY DID I TAKE THIS BAIT??? *Hitting self in head* So for WHATEVER reason, I say something like, "I would like to know about the promotion potential of the job. I did some reasearch on it--spoke with someone I used to work with in a related field, you may know her "Sally"--and I learned that this particular job is not necessarily upwardly mobile. EEK! I'm sorry, I don't know if that was an appropriate question, but I was wondering about the promotion potential of the job..." He smiles and says something like "Yes, I do know Sally. No, that's a great question, I'm impressed you researched it, this job actually does have promotion potential, blah, blah, blah." He basically b.s.-ed through the rest of it, but it didn't matter. By that time, I felt soo small and the embarazzment has only sunk in more in the hours since. To add to the horror, I told my beau about it, and he was like "What the hell? I wish I could make it sound less horrible, but no, you're right, you f-ed up. Wow. You DON'T name drop!"

So yeah, I feel horrible. There is a good chance this might get back to "Sally" and that would be heartbreaking for me because she's been nothing but kind to me and I valued her friendship, one of the few relationships I actually cared about at work. So I don't know what to do. Pre-empt the interview guy and just tell her what happened, emphasizing that my calling her name was more out of my trying to fill dead air and look for common ground with the interviewer and really, really nothing more? Or do I just leave it alone and HOPE TO GOD dude doesn't say anything and the whole ordeal disseminates into thin air?

What say you?

How to be the single one?

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 10:49:03 -0800

What's appropriate behavior in mixed groups of couples and singles? Especially when there's just one single? Am I being petty and bitter? Would trying to address the situation with the people involved sound petty and bitter anyway?

I am usually single, and a lot of my friends and family are not (I'm 27 and female). I'd be thrilled to be in a good relationship but generally I'm comfortable single, and would like to think I'm not jealous or bitter but only mildly wistful towards couples that have good relationships. But lately I was in a situation that was really uncomfortable for me. The situation and my response to it have been really bothering me.

My aunt and her boyfriend were in town and they took me, my cousin and her husband, out for dinner and then a show. There was some walking involved. Both couples walked holding hands, one set walking a bit behind the other. I felt like I was bouncing between them and didn't quite know where to go.

Another time, we went out to dinner where there was a dance floor, and both couples got up to dance a slow song and left me alone at the table.

In both of these situations, I felt really... angry. Surprisingly angry. I felt like they were being inconsiderate. I also felt kind of like a kid with the grownups.

Then I felt kind of dumb and petty. Do they not have a right to hold hands? What right do I have to ask them to behave differently than normal to make me feel comfortable?

Is there an etiquette for mixed groups of single(s) and couple(s)? What are your experiences, as a single and as a couple? Have you felt the same way, and how do you deal with it? Do you ever change your behavior according to circumstances/present company? Is this really just my issue/problem that I need to work through my own inner demons on?

Also, any other thoughts and recommendations on being 'the single one' among couples would be really really appreciated! Thank you!

Should I give back a ring that my ex's mom gave me?

wejones — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 09:34:02 -0800

Relationship Etiquette Filter: I had forgotten that I still have a gift that an ex's mom gave to me several years ago. It supposedly had sentimental value, and I feel weird about keeping it. Will I offend by trying to return it? Oh boy, there's way Okay. Thanks for looking. Some back-story is necessary. I'm a straight male, BTW.

My last girlfriend and I broke up in 2000 after living together for two years, dating for three. The break up wasn't on the best of terms, due more to a slow decline of the relationship rather than any real animosity. From my point of view, there wasn't much left to say to one another, and I continue to feel that way, though I wouldn't wish her squished by a bus or eaten by bears.

Around the midpoint of our relationship (mid '98), I became ill, and was in the hospital and in treatment for quite a while. During that time, my then girlfriend and I watched our parents become quite close (our families spent Thanksgiving together), and her mom was especially kind to me. Christmas '98, my ex's mom gave me a hammered gold and jade ring, with a message that indicated that it had belonged to someone special, and that come what may, she wanted me to have it. The ring wasn't my style, so I never wore it, but I was really moved and put the ring in a safe place.

And forgot about it.

Now, there's a lot of water under the bridge, and I am engaged to someone else, and I feel weird about continuing to have this ring. I don't think it was expensive, really; it's the sentimental value to another that bothers me. My ex told me at one point that the ring had been given to her mother by a (boy?)friend before he died. I feel like this ring really belongs with my ex's mom, or that I should at least make the offer of returning it.

But, I don't want to offend anyone, and the situation presents the additional wrinkle of having to get in touch with my ex to try and get the ring back to her mom. I'm not really eager to have contact with this girl, and I am leery of opening a line of communication that I have had to make an effort to close.

So, MeFi, what should I do? Leave it alone, and accept the gift as it was intended? Risk offending (and encouraging continued contact I don't want) by trying to return something that means more to another than it does to me? Your thoughts are much appreciated.

Online dating diplomacy.

scarabic — Mon, 31 Jan 2005 23:04:41 -0800

Online dating diplomacy. If you decide after an email or two that you are not interested in the other person, either because the conversation is uninspiring or the pictures they send are unappealing, should you actually write to tell them "sorry, but I'm not interested?" Or is that worse than falling silent and letting the correspondence die? Some people persist if you don't respond, and ask "what's the deal? you didn't like my pic?" I honestly don't know what's the best thing to say, if anything. Honesty is not the same as full disclosure, and I just feel that random people really don't need to hear that I find them undesireable / uninteresting. I figure if I just stop writing, most people will simply write me off and move on. What do you think?

Christmas Gift Inequity

billybunny — Fri, 24 Dec 2004 21:20:21 -0800

I spent my first Christmas with the boyfriend's parents this year. I showed up empty-handed, after a late "oh, mom got you some stuff, too." I came away with more in presents than I'm going to get from my own parents. Now I feel like an ass. What do I do? I know the requisite thank-you notes (thank my mother's insane compulsion for that), but I'm not entirely sure what to put in it. "Hi, sorry I'm a total prick who didn't even show up with a bottle of wine. Thanks for the knives, though. They're spiff."

Hmm. Probably not the way to go.

I haven't found Mr. Right yet; help me get my relatives to stop bugging me

invisible ink — Fri, 24 Dec 2004 05:09:09 -0800

How do I get my relatives to stop bugging me about why I don't have a boyfriend yet? (mi+) I'm looking for a polite but firm way of letting them know at least one of the following:

a) It's none of their business.
b) I haven't found Mr. Right yet.
c) I'm perfectly happy with my current independent lifestyle.

What can I do about my friend's bad breath and body odor?

Anonymous — Sat, 06 Nov 2004 11:02:48 -0800

I have a friend who stinks. He has horrible breath (he's a chain-smoker), and his clothes and body reek. I'm not sure what to do. It's so bad that many people have commented that it's hard to be around him. But other than the smell, he's a great guy. He's also lonely, and can't get a date. His life would be so much better if he had better hygiene. So what do I do about this? Tell him face-to-face? Send an anonymous email? Do nothing? If I do bring it up, how do I do it sensitively? Added to the problems, he's very poor. He can't even afford a phone. My guess is that part of the problem is that he's trying to save money on laundry. Still, soap is cheap. I'm trying to obey the Golden Rule, but it's hard. If I was the smelly one, I would want to be told, I guess. But I would be SO humiliated! He's in his early 40s. Really smart and literate.

Can someone's standing be vitiated by honesty?

the fire you left me — Sun, 29 Aug 2004 12:42:06 -0800

Can someone's standing be vitiated by honesty? For example, telling someone they are fat and need to lose weight? For a brief time I gained weight. One day I realized what had happened and through excercise and dietary changes lost it all, and now look normal again. Yet, through the entire one year period, no one came up to me and said, "you've gained a lot of weight." Is it so hurtful to present an honest view to another person?

Dating at work

ungratefulninja — Fri, 06 Aug 2004 11:40:53 -0800

Advice for the socially awkward, part three million and two. I've been asked to have lunch next week by a guy I recently met one time through work. I have accepted. I'd like to let him know I'm already in a committed relationship without coming off as cutting. He seems nice, with friend potential. Have I already blundered? Is it a date? Help!