Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and divorce

How do you save a marriage after an affair?

wantstobeadesigner — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:27:19 -0800

My world is destroyed after an affair. I desperately need advice. Its a long story... Please help. This is such a long story... I will try to keep it as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We just got married 3 months ago. About 4 years into our relationship I had something blindside me. A married man came on to me. Before I knew it, I was involved in an affair with not only this married man but another younger, single man as well. This went on for less than a year before I broke both of them off completely. Neither of the relationships were meaningful beyond a lust level.

I tried to carry on with my life like nothing happened and never told my bf. We got engaged 6 months later. He still had no idea. My guilt never really went away. I went on antidepressants. My personally was changing. It was killing me and us.

Then, six months after the engagement the truth started to come out in the form of rumors. Many of which were true but I continued to deny it. I told my fiance half truths thinking I was protecting him. I told him that I was having feeling with the younger guy but I never admitted anything sexual happened... I also completely denied that I had anything to do with the married man fearing that his family/young kids would be destroyed. In hind site I cant believe I ever committed such horrible acts. I had convinced myself it never happened.

I went on living a lie for a the entire next year. Several times I was asked if there was more to the story and I was always to scared to fess up. I went on with lie after lie. His fears were very founded and never subsided. I went through with the wedding, we bought a house. Three months later I cracked.

He was begging for the truth and I started to give it to him. He was so upset he left, made plans to move out and he wants this relationship to end. Here is my problem. I am so desperate to try and make this work, but I still am too scared to admit the whole truth. I know he will go to the married mans wife and I am so afraid that I have done enough damage and dont want anyone else to feel this hurt. I am really guilty and so so ashamed. I cant stand the idea of how this additional information will hurt my husband. I know I am in the wrong but still want to save my relationship. What should I do???

Why am I suddenly having these dreams?

kleenkat — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:31:39 -0800

Why have I suddenly started to dream about other women? Here is some background info... I am not married but in a long term relationship with another woman for about a year and a half. (I am also a chick). We recently purchased a house together and will be moving next month. Also, I just turned 29 and my parents recently divorced this year after 30 years of marriage. I have dreams about random stuff like this maybe a couple times a year, not often. BUT, in the past three nights alone I have had dreams with consecutive themes-- I am with another woman, or cheating on my girlfriend, or she simply does not exist.

The first dream I had reunited with an ex, my first "love" and real relationship, so to speak who I was with for three years and also have had unresolved issues with for the past couple of years since we split. I have since moved on but from time to time get nostalgic and/or have dreams. This dream was one of intense love.. I remember embracing my ex and saying "Please don't do anything crazy until I'm done with this semester of school" (I'm finished grad school). I am having a hard time with school, work, and remodeling our house right now I guess is why I said that. but in my dream, I felt so much love and my current girlfriend didn't exist.

The second dream was with some "weird" girl who was kind of hippy or bohemian, I didn't know her, and we just had a weird sexual relationship/friendship. She shared a house with a bunch of weird people, etc. I don't know. Again my current girlfriend wasn't present.

The third dream was about a girl in my class who honestly I had not even thought about since the 1st day of class. I just remember thinking, "man I am old" since it was an undergrad and the class had both undergrads and graduates. Not attracted to this girl in real life, and I don't think we have even spoken. But in my dream, we had a really awesome friendship and relationship and the sex was amazing. She had so much spunk (again I dont know this girl at all) and was really fun to be around. I kept telling her something like, "I can't do this, blahblahblah, my girlfriend" ...then I got really frightened she was going to blab about our affair to my current girlfriend. anyway I woke up and was like, WTF?

Why am I having all these dreams about other women.... maybe sometimes I think my girlfriend is not very fun or very spontaneous, but, I do love her very much and she is funny. The sex is OK. We are very compatable as mates, and after the whole thing with my parents, and since I was very young, I've always questioned the reality of "love" and the assignments to the word.... I ask myself all the time if it is real, have I have been "in" love, etc. But I think I just suffer from the "grass is greener" syndrome. I am happy with her, I think I may just be ready to get out of this small apartment, and done with the hectic semester. Oh, and quit dreaming about other women because it makes me feel like I missed out on something, but that may be wrong of me to thing/feel. What do you think? TIA...

Learning to THRIVE alone after divorce.

MultiFaceted — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 21:38:35 -0800

After divorce, how can I learn to be a confident, whole individual without being in a relationship? I'm struggling with insecurity, I feel like there is a part of me missing, and I've gotten myself so worked up about it that I'm in a state of "analysis paralysis." Please help me break through that paralysis! I am divorced (1 year and some change) after a 7 year marriage. The big issue in the marriage was that my ex eventually decided that he just didn’t want to be married to me anymore. Over the last 4+ years of the marriage, he withdrew emotionally, stopped telling me he loved me (when I asked he would answer “sometimes I love you”), told me that he didn’t miss me when I left for trips/conferences, was never in the mood for intimacy (not even kissing, very rarely hugging, never initiated by him), and toward the end began lying about random things. I’m not convinced that an affair was happening…I’m not convinced that it didn’t happen either. Needless to say, I spent those 4 years analyzing and guessing at what would make him love me again, which I now see was a massive blow to my self esteem. I lost touch with who I was (I used to be a strong, independent, determined woman) during that time, and that just kills me.

While the divorce was immensely painful (I believe that you just don’t “give up” on a lifetime commitment but I had no other choice), it was also the absolute right thing to do and I feel like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders as I started life over. I got the very clear, strong message that I needed to use this time in my life to “learn to live alone” in preparation for a future relationship, if that makes any sense. I definitely feel as though I will be married again someday, but now is my time to develop as a person. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what I’m struggling with.

I feel as though something is missing in my life, and I think it’s the fact that I am not in a relationship (for the record, I have been talking to an ex boyfriend and we have talked about wanting to date each other in the future but right now we both have “issues” to work through. So there’s the possibility there, and it’s constantly on my mind). I know that I’m smart, I have a great job, great friends who love me, and I contribute positively to the world. But I long to have a partner…someone that I know for certain loves me and thinks about me and wants to be with me. The only way I can explain it is that I’m just not fully successful and complete without that. There are times where I am just “paralyzed” with that longing and wind up wasting hours just watching TV or reading (which equals procrastination) instead of being active, and I hate that! It’s holding me back, and I just can’t figure out how to get past it. I also have a huge sense of insecurity/anxiety about any future relationships…like I’ll misread a man’s signs and screw up a potential relationship or chase after men that truly aren’t into me.

I did therapy as the marriage was ending (yes, currently attempting to get back in to see someone), and it is helpful but it’s only 1 hour a week. I understand CBT (trained in it!) and so I know all of the mental exercises that I should be doing. My counselor training is working against me at the moment though (I’m good at convincing myself that it won’t work or that I won’t do it right) and I’ve gotten myself in a state of “analysis paralysis”.

I am looking for any advice or personal anecdotes you can give me. I want to make the most of this time being single and I desperately want to clear this hurdle. How can I learn to feel like a “whole person” without a relationship? How do I deal with that huge feeling of insecurity I have? I’m open to book suggestions, Bible verses, specific things to do, hard questions to ponder, a good butt kicking, whatever you got to break the mental paralysis and move forward. I’ll be glad to hear it all!

What to do after you open Pandora's box?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:34:22 -0800

My husband is cheating on me and has been for at least two years. He doesn't know I found out. Now what? I've had suspicions for a long time, but nothing concrete that I could point to and say, "See!" It was just uneasy feelings. We used to share a computer and one time I found a lot of gay porn links in the history while trying to recover a tab had accidentally closed. I talked to him about it, but he said he had misclicked, and like I said, I had nothing really concrete to point to.

A couple days ago he was in the bedroom on his lap top, it was late, and he came out kind of in a rush and asked if I wanted one of those iced coffee drinks from Wendy's because he wanted a frosty shake. I said sure and he went off. He was gone a long time. Longer than would be normal, so I texted where are you? He texted back that he had gone a whole town over to the Starbucks. It seemed odd to me because he had just scolded me about money and Starbucks by us is way more expensive than Wendy's. But Starbucks was closed and he was going with his first choice, and he'd get me coffee at Wawa. I reminded him he said Wendy's and he got flustered and said he was getting a milkshake from Wawa.

It just felt off and I shouldn't have done it, I know, but I went to the bedroom and opened his lap top. It was on and his gmail account was up. He was exchanging e-mail with someone from craigslist, and they were discussing some meet up place with glory holes and stuff. My husband was telling him he'd been going for at least 2 years and was happy there.

I was off by the time he got home and he handed me the coffee. He didn't even have a milkshake himself. It was weird.

The next day I ran his email name through google and he had used his e-mail name as his user name for a website where you advertise for quick hookups.

I don't know what to do. We have a young son together. I'm a stay at home mom and haven't worked in over 5 years. I have no money because my husband has always said he works for the money so it's his, and I get only what I need. So I feel really helpless. I know this is going on, but so what? I don't seem to be in a position to do anything.

I'm embarrassed and scared, and my chest hurts all the time thinking about this. I haven't told anyone in my family because there's so much going on right now like weddings and stuff and I don't want to ruin anything, and a lot of them thought I was too young to marry and would be very much I-told-you-so.

What should I do next? Who should I talk to besides him? I don't want to continue this marriage.

ifeelsostupid@gmail.com if you have advice too long for a comment.

Give me perspective on my dad's dating situation

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:02:52 -0800

My parents split about a year ago. My father has started dating under unusual circumstances, and it makes me somewhat angry. Am I overreacting? How can I find peace with the situation? I've read this recent question . The number of people telling the younger sister to just suck it up made me wonder if I was overreacting to my current situation as well. Help me find perspective.

I am 22, and attending university out-of-town. My sister is 10, and mainly lives with my mother; she stays with dad twice a week. It was an amicable split with fairly fluid arrangements. I’m with mom for the summer, though I recently spent three weeks staying with dad at his request to "be closer".

My dad took a trip business trip back to our home country in late February/early March, and met a girl there. Once he got back to North America, he found a one-year internship position for the girl and her coworker/supervisor at his office. They moved late March. Though this girl has her own apartment, she pretty much sleeps over whenever my sister isn't around, which means I saw a lot of her the past three weeks. She's 27, my dad is 48.

I didn't find out about this situation till I got back in town, late May. My sister met her in April as "just a friend", but clearly knows it's more - this girl had apparently made a comment about how my sister "is adorable, [and should] come be my daughter". Not great, as first impressions go. I talked to dad about this, and told him to try and keep things separate between the girlfriend and my sister.

I don't like this girl much personally - she seems very immature for her age - but I understand it's none of my business who my dad dates. My dad tends to see me in an advisory role and talks a lot about how I'm more mature than he and he's so glad he can talk to me about this stuff. We had a blow-up when he asked me to encourage my sister to be more receptive to his current and future girlfriends and expressed a desire that I would be part of his "new family". He seemed surprised that I felt negatively on both counts, and even more so when I didn't think I would be inclined to try to join in on his new happy shiny family. He can be irresponsible, and didn't consider, for example, common law marriage statuses until I pointed it out. FWIW, I get along a lot better with my mom.

While I was at his place staying in my sister's room, I didn't actually hang out with dad one-on-one, as the girlfriend was around. I don't have the best relationship with my dad, so this didn't bother me as much as the fact that he explicitly asked me to be there (and he's the type to guilt trip me about how we're growing apart) and failed to follow up on it (fairly typical). I'm also very resentful that I was asked to intervene on his behalf on something which I felt was his responsibility to deal with, even more so that it's been complicated by the age factor. I'm angry that he seemed surprised by the fact that my sister would be resistant to girlfriends, and that he expects me to hear about his relationship woes and give him advice (and if I rebuff him on this subject he tells me it's important to him that I be a part of his life). Furthermore, I think it's patently ridiculous he introduced my sister to this girl about 8 months after he moved out, and about a month after they started seeing each other.

My dad is a classic extrovert and while I was there he spent much time out with his girlfriend or hanging out with his friends. To a certain extent, I admit that I'm a little jealous - he tells her stories of his childhood he never told us, he does seem happy when he's around her. My childhood involved a lot of fights between my parents, and a lot of conflict between my dad and I. Nevertheless, every time I consciously think about the girlfriend situation (not often, I'm trying to just roll with it) and every time mom skirts close to the subject (she does understand now that I don't want to talk about it) I can't help but feel really bitter and resentful at nothing in particular, and sad that I feel like I can't trust my dad seems to look out for my sister's best interests. I can barely cover my own tuition and I'm already considering starting up my own fund for her eventual university education, if that tells you anything about what I feel about his reliability.

I want him to be happy, but not at our expense. Is that selfish? Am I wholly overreacting? If yes, and even if not, how can I deal with my anger in a constructive manner so it doesn't take over my life and any hope for better familial relationship with dad? How can I protect my sister from any potential fall-out of this situation? I don't really have any other adults I could talk to about this - I don't want to hurt mom, despite her claims that she's "over it", and all our relatives are thousands of miles away. Thanks for any input!

How do I cope with bitterness and vengefulness toward my ex?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:28:31 -0800

My husband of 17 years had an affair and left me for someone else. Three years later, I’m still feeling bitter and vengeful. Please help me cope. Three years ago, my husband (now ex-) had an affair and left me for someone else. We had been married for 17 years, were both in our mid-forties, and had no kids by choice.

The woman he left me for was married, has four kids, and was cheating on her husband with my ex. They met in an online game. Within a few months of starting the online affair, he started sending her money behind my back, he suddenly realized he wanted kids, and they decided they were meant to be together. He quit his job, divorced me, emptied our joint bank account, and moved across the country to take a new job and be with her, all within the space of about six months. I’ve had no contact with him ever since. None of his family or friends speak to me anymore, so I have no idea where he is or what happened to him after he left.

It astounded me that the man I’d known, loved, and lived with for 17 years was capable of doing something like this. Seventeen years! No one who knew him (or thought they did, anyway) ever would have predicted it. I’m not even sure he himself knew why he did it. His family and friends were as shocked and blindsided as I was. Some tried to talk him out of it, and one even tried to warn him that his new love interest might have been taking him for a ride, but he wouldn’t hear a word of it.

Losing him was devastating, especially under conditions like this. I loved him with all my heart. Even when there was emotional distance there was still sexual chemistry between us, up to and including the day he left, which confused me even more.

For more than a year, I was completely wrecked. I could barely even function. Sometimes I look at photos of myself from right before the divorce, and compare them to photos taken two years later, and it’s as if I aged ten years in that time.

Throughout the divorce process, he insisted that he still loved me and never set out to hurt me, but just couldn’t be with me anymore because he had to go ‘find himself’ and date other people. He even had the nerve to try to maintain a ‘friendship’ with me after this betrayal. I refused. It hurt to cut him out of my life entirely, but I had to do it, because it hurt even more to try to downgrade things to ‘friendship.’ Every contact I had with him was like the emotional version of re-opening a sucking chest wound.

Although I’ve moved on in some ways, I feel like I’ve been scarred for life by this loss, and healing is a very slow process. On the surface, I’m doing all right. I have good relationships with my two sisters. I have friends and a job, though I make very little money and I’m in debt. Except for a short fling, I haven’t dated since he left, and I’m lonely. I’ve tried online dating, and I attend night classes and various events, but haven’t met anyone I click with. (Dating in your forties is a whole different ball game than dating in your twenties, I’ve found. It’s kind of depressing).

The thing that still torments me the most, though, is that even after all this time, I’m still struggling with feelings of bitterness and vengefulness. I have not forgiven him for what he did, and to be honest I don’t even know if I’m capable of it. I can’t help but think that forgiveness is somewhat overrated.

I’ve tried therapy and all kinds of other things to work through all this, including mindfulness meditation, exercise, getting perspective by reading about people who have it worse than me, reading self-help books (the no-bullshit kind, not the fluffy saccharine kind), and writing him icy and rage-filled letters (none of which were actually sent, because I promised myself that no matter how bad it got, I would always maintain my dignity, and not behave like a crazy ex). All these things have helped to a certain extent, yet I still wonder how I could have been blindsided like this. I once prided myself on being a fairly good judge of character.

I’ve made some progress, at least. I can tell the burden is lighter than it was a year ago. Yet underneath it all, I still feel tattered and torn. I used to be confident, but now my self-image feels damaged. Although I know I’m better off without him, I miss the tenderness and love I once felt toward him. Things still feel unsettled. I know I’ll never see him again, and I won’t ever get an apology. I’m doing my best to move on with my life anyway.

But there is also a part of me, a part I’m not so proud of, that wants to see him reap what he has sown. My friends tell me that people who do things like this eventually get their comeuppance. I don’t know if I actually believe in karma, but I’m clinging to the idea anyway because it comforts me, especially when I’m struggling financially while he (as far as I know) is doing just fine. Is it really true that karma's a bitch? And if it were, would it even make any difference?

I still don’t understand what could have driven him to do something like this. Maybe I never will. But I’m tired of this dragging on and on. I want to find some kind of peace, if not resolution. How do I do this?

Personal experiences welcome. Throwaway email: blindsided.ex at gmail dot com.

What is a "successful" relationship

pauldonato — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:16:40 -0800

How do you define "success" in relationships? I think I'm hung up on how my previous relationships went that I'm too scared to form new ones.

Is success defined in relationships based on whether neither party regrets having gotten in it? Or is it based on whether both parties behaved honestly with good intentions? It obviously can't be based on whether either party got hurt, because then that means most people are inevitably going to be failures.

Here's the cases that are bugging me...

Two cases where she got hurt:

- My first girlfriend (Sr. year of High School) fell in love with me, then I broke up with her, then we kept sleeping together, and then I told her that we had to stop, and then she got depressed and had to take Zoloft

- My first girlfriend after college fell in love with me, then I broke up with her. We were very passionate and close together, and her best friend (who was also a good friend of mine at the time), really got on my case for "leading her on."

Two cases where I got hurt:

- I dated my next door neighbor in my freshman year dorm, but I felt soo insecure around her, and I was so paranoid anytime she'd show any kind gesture to any of my other dormmates. After she broke it off with me, I became really neurotic about her, and obsessed about her the following summer, especially when some of my former friends/dormmates were visiting her during the summer.

- I dated someone recently who always went hot and cold, and she drove me into insane neuroses that were hard to shake off. It was so hard that I got physically ill, and I broke it off because I couldn't stand how aloof and emotionally unavailable she was. Afterwards, I kept thinking about her and got really angry with her for months.

In these four cases, I've come away with a really strong feeling that I fucked up majorly somehow. In the cases where she got hurt, I imagine the tears in her eyes and hear the message, "Why the fuck did you do this to me?? And don't you dare do this to anybody else." And from the cases where I got hurt, I get the strong message from myself, "What the fuck did you get yourself into?? Don't you dare do that again."

I feel that people around me don't blame themselves as hard, and see relationships as learning experiences like trial-and-error. I also kind of view them skeptically, like they're being irresponsible, by only being into a relationship for what it affords them now, and not even realistically considering whether they see themselves with this person forever.

Is there some perspective I'm missing? How can people feel good being in relationships knowing that they inevitably end (given divorce rates and how long we're living anyway)?

How to introduce kids to a new SO?

RajahKing — Thu, 14 May 2009 12:04:34 -0800

Tell me the best way to introduce my kid to new significant others. I am the father of a 3 and a half year old daughter, and I am separated from her mother.

We've been living in separate apartments for about six months, though the separation has been for more than a year. We live very close to each other and both see our daughter almost every day. Its an amicable separation, but as we each develop our lives more fully and have both been dating a little, I want to get ahead of the curve and get some advice on how one should go about introducing your kid to a new girlfriend or boyfriend.

Here are a few sub-questions on SO-Introduction Best Practices:
1. I have a lot of adult friends I introduce to my daughter; would I need to be more descriptive than this is a new "friend"?
2. How does the young age of my daughter effect this? Would we be more clear with an older child?
3. Do any kids of divorced parents remember their experiences with meeting a new SO?
4. Do you think that the fact we've only been living apart for six months would effect such an introduction? I don't see it happening too soon for either parent, but its definitely possible as we've both been dating.
5. Should we ask anything of the introduced SO? Should they act / not act a certain way?

Thank you so much, in advance.

Could a common-law relationship make a bigamist case?

psyward — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:37:09 -0800

Does being in a de-facto / common-law relationship while waiting for a pending divorce make me grounds for bigamy under Australian law? Would it be illegal for a person to enter into a defacto or common law relationship with another person while being married and waiting for a divorce?

How can I ease the pain for my kids?

Richat — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 06:29:30 -0800

So, I'm getting divorced. I have 2 daughters, who I'm kinda terrified to tell. I'm hoping Ask.Me might be able to provide some tips. My wife and I are splitting up. It's not what I wanted, but it's what I've got. For various reasons, I'm actually coming to terms with the grown-up part of this quite nicely. The thing is, we've got two great kids, and I am really dreading telling them. They've not been privy to months of yelling, or really anything. They *may* have some small idea that something isn't quite "good". Oh, also, I am a child of divorce myself and sort of...well I am still wrestling with the feeling that I've *failed* here...in case that adds anything to the story.

More details...the girls are 5, and almost 8 years old. They are happy, smart, well-adjusted, polite, just great kids. I feel that telling them this news is akin to telling a kid that Santa doesn't exist (assuming you've always told them he DOES) and all I really can come up with is this: it is up to their mom and I to convey the message that while things will be changing detail-wise, that OUR relationship to THEM won't be changing. That we will still, and always be THEIR mom and dad.

Also, we've been holding off on telling them anything as we have just begun a mediation process, and details like custody are still being worked out. My wife has said that she'd like to keep the house, and so far, I've not argued with that. It's been civil and continues to be so.

I guess what I'm looking for here...is advice. Not on how to navigate the waters of a divorce, but advice on what to tell the kids. What messages should I make sure I impart? I'm concerned that I may not be able to get through the conversation without seeming emotional myself, and I think that I have to. I'd be interested to know if you agree with that belief as well.

I'd had intended to ask this anonymously, however, as I type this up...I'm concerned that I've left out pertinent details. So...I'll ask it as me.

I know he doesn't love me, why can't I leave?

DoNotRefill — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 23:37:50 -0800

Why can't I remove myself from a relationship I'm not happy in? I'm miserable with him, miserable without him, and all my relationships follow the same pattern... Been dating a man for about 9 months. He is going through a divorce, been separated for over a year. Since I've met him, I haven't been able to hold a job, have become very depressed, and all my energy goes into the confusion I feel about the relationship. He is an emotional rollercoaster, pushing me away until I threaten to leave, then reeling me back in with acts of kindness and declarations of how much he needs me. I recently moved in with him because I lost my job and couldn't afford rent. We live in his slum apartment, the bedroom isn't habitable at the moment because the slumlord doesn't make repairs, so there is no privacy. I tell myself I'm staying here out of financial desperation, but I know I'm lying to myself. He feels uncomfortable when his teenage kids come over on the weekend because I'm here. His kids do not like me for the single fact that I am with their dad. I ask him if I should leave and all I get are mixed messages. He tells me he wants me to stay but then 10 seconds later asks me how this is going to work when his kids come over. He tells me he still wants to be with his ex (she wants the divorce), then tells me it would never work with her and that he really likes and cares about me. Since I've moved in he has stopped telling me he loves me and is not interested in having sex. He has a bad drug habit and the divorce is breaking his bank.

When I had tried to leave in the past, numerous times before we lived together, I was miserable and could not stop thinking about him. I was alone and unhappy for too long before I met him. I did not know how serious his drug problem was or how much of an emotional and financial wreck he was. He hid alot of things from me but now that I'm living with him it's difficult for him to do that. I know I need to get out but it makes me feel physically sick when I think about how miserable I am going to feel. I don't have alot of options right now because of my job situation and ever since I've been with him I've had nothing but bad luck. I have low self-esteem and no direction in life. He has helped me out in alot of ways (mostly financially), but there is no relationship here and I can't stand living with someone I'm in love with who isn't in love with me. I have been looking for a decent job for months with no luck. Whenever I start making up my mind to leave, he dangles free rent and other financial perks in my face, knowing that I have my hands tied. We have already had a few screaming matches where he has told me to get out, and yet I'm still here and I feel like a fool.

I really care about this guy but I'm not happy and can't see happiness with him in my future, although I occasionally entertain the thought sometimes until reality sets in. I feel pathetic, used, and unloveable. I do have some options as far as places I can stay, with family, etc....but these arrangements are not ideal in my mind (I keep looking for an excuse to stay). Any advice, words of wisdom, people who have been through something similar...greatly appreciated. I'm stuck and drowning. Thanks.

How can I get my (future-ex) wife to finalize our separation agreement?

dammitjim — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 11:03:14 -0800

Hopefully-not-too-ugly Divorcefilter: How can I get my (future-ex) wife to finalize our separation agreement? My wife and I decided this past summer to divorce. We lived (and she still lives) in New Jersey. At the time, relations between us, while understandably strained, were civil. For several reasons, one of which being financial, we decided to use a divorce mediator instead of duking it out via lawyers. During the mediation sessions, we agreed upon a very equitable and even split of our assets and debts, and the mediator went away to draft the agreement.

Several weeks passed, and relations between she and I deteriorated, largely (from my perspective, anyway) due to her new relationship with another guy who was a mutual friend. We had been splitting time at the house where we had lived together during our marriage (6.5 years), but I decided I couldn't do that anymore, and found an apartment.

About a week ago, we finally got the draft of the separation agreement. I made some corrections and sent it to her for her to do the same, but she doesn't seem to want to deal with it. I've pestered her about it a little, but she ignores my messages completely. She needs to review it and make corrections, we submit it back the the mediator for those changes to be made, then we each have laywers look it over and then it's filed in court as the terms of the divorce. But nothing goes forward while she's sitting on it.

I want to get the divorce over with. It will be easier financially when we're not entangled with our bank accounts and so on, and I just want it past me, as well. I've considered just suing her for divorce, but I don't really want to spend all the money and be that much more acrimonious about it. That's why we chose mediation in the first place.

Is there anything I can do to get her to pay attention to the agreement?

Not even Mommie Dearest...

Madamina — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 19:51:35 -0800

Parents splitting up after 35 years -- maybe temporarily, but I'm betting on the long-term. They're both crazy, but my mom is C-R-A-Z-Y, and her poisonous attitude has now doomed this relationship for good. Our own relationship has always been strained, but how do I even begin to relate to her now? Background: I am in my late 20s and see my parents about once a week. I'll be in town for at least six more months as I finish grad school. My parents have had various problems for a long time, especially since my brother and I moved out, and now my mom has announced that they are "taking a vacation from each other." She will be staying in the family home, because she "knows how everything works" and she works out of the home; my dad will be renting a room a few blocks away.

My dad is hardly perfect, but he has tried so hard to do things on her terms and ask what he can do to make things better. My mom's M.O., however, is to have absolutely no idea what she wants and then, when presented with something in exasperation, yell, "OH, ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

She is your basic passive-aggressive responsible first child Midwesterner. She has this habit of getting an idea in her head and, when things don't go according to plan, she gives up and shuts down. To give you an idea of our relationship, she once told me that she felt like a failure because things did not go the way she wanted, primarily because I had free will. (????) I know she was reflecting on herself, but I am an opera singing gameshow champion who will soon graduate from a master's program completely free of debts, police records and drug problems. Hel-LO.

She is just SO un-self-aware, and it has ruined our relationship. She is absolutely obsessed with propriety and the way things should be, so for example she manhandles me in public if I am bouncing my legs. But she thinks nothing about her own propriety, to the point of telling people she barely knows about how I supposedly spent my high school summers having sex in my boyfriend's dirty basement. No boundaries, no respect, nothing.

So she told me about the separation by saying that, "oh, it's no big deal" and then, as I sat there slackjawed, jumping straight into some breezy little anecdote about something funny that happened AS SHE LOOKED FOR A NEW HOME FOR MY DAD. And that's not a big deal? This is very typical. Throughout my life, I've been taught that my emotions are completely backwards from what they should be -- both from what she thinks they should be and what everyone else feels.

Hell, I've been upset with our relationship since I can remember. We're talking power struggles since I was 3. But what is usually a politely concealed simmer is making me want to napalm her house. Her behavior has made her waste money, fill the house with junk, and now has taken the last shred of stability away from my dad. I'm not even mad at them for separating; I've been separated myself, so I know it could go either way. But I am so very, very angry with her for treating this -- outwardly, at least -- as an opportunity to lie around with a margarita.

Where do I even begin?

(Yes, I've been in therapy for a long time, and have made some progress, and am staying as far away from the situation as I can.)

How to ask for a divorce after 26 years?

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 23:30:53 -0800

How to ask for a divorce after 26 years of marriage? I want to do it in a way that causes as little pain as possible, and makes room for as much constructive problem-solving as possible. We got married when we were 28. After 4 months of dating, she gave me an ultimatum: marry me or I'll leave you. I liked her ok, but I was not in love with her. Still, I said yes, out of fear and insecurity more than anything else. I remember thinking at the time: If it doesn't work out, there's always divorce. Ha.

We had two kids. They brought us together, sort of, for a while. Now the kids are 16 and 17. I stuck around long enough to see them through adolescence. Many friends told me that was a mistake, that I should have just left. Be that as it may, here we are, and the time to leave is approaching.

She and I have never communicated well. At work and with friends, I can generally handle communicating on sensitive topics pretty effectively. With her, it has always been an immense struggle, and some years ago I gave up. Essentially, now, we don't even attempt to communicate.

She's against seeing a marriage counselor. I suggested it years ago, and she rejected the idea. She doesn't trust or respect them; she has contempt for everything to do with "psychology." She got her degree in science and considers herself to have a scientific world-view - no room for the "fuzziness" of psychology.

She has no friends. She worked at a couple of low-paying jobs several years ago, but there was always someone that she couldn't get along with, this always made her miserable (she couldn't draw boundaries or stand up for herself), and then she would quit. She hasn't worked for almost 20 years.

She was abused by her father when she was a child. She sees the world as ready to attack her. As a result, I have never found a way to disagree with her, or even to express a mildly different opinion, without causing her to put up such strong defenses that communication stops.

For my own sanity, I must leave this marriage. With the kids at the age they are, soon there will no longer be any reason for me to stay. At the same time, I want to do it in a way that causes the least hurt for all concerned.

I know that she wants to leave the marriage also - she has said, in the presence of the kids even, how much she is looking forward to the day when she no longer has to "serve" any of us. I called her on that once - was she saying that she wanted a divorce? She back-pedalled - no, she was just upset. That's a typical pattern: as soon as any of this submerged unhappiness starts to surface, she pretends it isn't there.

Is it even possible to communicate effectively under circumstances like this? We've developed a decades-long habit of not communicating, except about trivia. She will be understandably worried about money, which would make communication difficult for anyone.

I guess I could take the approach "Don't agonize over it so much. Just say it and get it over with." The thing I don't like about that is that it completely gives up on any attempt at coming to a mutual understanding. What I'd like to get across is, "Neither one of us is happy in this marriage. We should end it in a way that leaves both of us in the best position to move on. Let's talk about how to do that."

I have no idea how to get this message to her. I can't envision even how to begin a conversation on this topic without her going nearly into shock. She does indeed want the marriage to end, maybe almost as much as I do, but she's scared to death of what might happen (obviously, otherwise she would have left already).

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Or have advice on how to handle it? Any thoughts would be appreciated. For anyone who would prefer to talk about this over email, I set up an account at divorce.after.26.years@gmail.com.

Relationship minefield

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 08:12:51 -0800

Yep, it's another sticky relationship question on AskMe. A recent divorce, a friend of a mother... Now that I have your attention (because let's face it, there's chum in the water)...

I was with the same woman for nearly seven years, married for one. During that time, she cheated on me three times -- once while we were engaged the first time, once later with one of my best friends, and once whilst married (which, naturally, resulted in the end of the marriage).

It was a long and rocky road, and I don't need reminding that I should never have stayed with her long enough to get married in the first place. Suffice to say, it's dead dead dead. She moved out and instantly went public with her relationship with her boy-toy, I filed divorce so fast it caused whiplash.

We tried counseling (at my behest... I'm pretty traditional, and feel like even a shitty sham of a marriage deserves an honest attempt at reconciliation) for a month, but she couldn't much be real about it (my ex is twice diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder). It was apparent at the start that we were pretty well doomed.

That was at the end of April. At the end of May, we moved apart and filed.

This is where this question comes in. At the end of June, I met a friend of my mother's. She's naturally much younger than my mother (she is 27, I am barely 33). We hit it off spectacularly, staying up late into the night talking, and ended up cuddling on the couch.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, a few dates, some makeout, and some rather amazing sex...

This woman and I seem to (too early to know for certain, naturally) click on a level that I never did with my ex-wife. My mother had been pulling for us to hook up for ages, but first she was married, and then I was. I am rather smitten with her, and she is with me. We're not claiming coupledom, or even official "dating" status... We're just sort of leaving things undefined and rolling with the punches. We seem pretty nuts for each other, but I feel awkward about my situation, and she feels a tad awkward about "vulturing" as she puts it.

Here are the problems. Now that we seem to be actually hooking up, my mother seems jealous. Like I'm taking her friend away.

My mother's being around makes things rather awkward for the both of us.

She lives about 3 hours away, in a different city (as does mom). This is good, I think, as it puts some necessary space, time, and distance there...but I feel guilty if I visit the city and don't talk to mom.

It's still so soon after the divorce... Is this a good idea? On the one hand, it's only about two months out since I filed. On the other hand, both through significant introspection and through attending counseling, I can see that the marriage ending was a very good thing, and I feel pretty okay about that.

I need some suggestions for navigating this minefield! (anon, because ex sometimes peruses MeFi)

Do I tell my boyfriend I know his ex-wife?

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 17:37:07 -0800

Do I tell my boyfriend I know his ex-wife? Their separation was particularly messy. Long story short: My boyfriend was married to a woman (whom I happen to know in a professional context) for two years after dating for a number of years. They divorced in 2006 because she cheated on him after falling in love with his best friend, with whom she is still in a relationship.

I'm not comfortable revealing the specifics of my situation, but I know ALL about my boyfriend's history with his ex-wife: from the time they met to the present. I don't speak to her anymore and neither does he, but I knew her when they were married, and she definitely knows who I am. All my boyfriend has told me is that he was once married and that it ended badly. He has also revealed her name. On one occasion he suggested I might know her, but I said I didn't know anyone by her name.

I feel shitty for withholding all that I know because, aside from being deceitful, it affects how I feel about him. I know he isn't over her. I'm so much like her that it makes me uncomfortable because drawing comparisons is inevitable. (I'd love to give specifics because our similarities are uncanny, but unfortunately they are still too revealing for the internet.) I feel like I have to live up to her. I overlook some of the shitty things he's done by rationalizing that he was badly hurt in the past, making his current behavior justified.

And what if she ever sees us together? What do I say then?

So my question is, do I tell him? Ever? How would you feel if your significant other knew either your ex or the specific details regarding your relationship with an ex? Knowing all I know, is my relationship doomed? Can any good come of this knowledge?

Is it possible to have a normal relationship after a spouce attempts suicide?

prk14 — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 10:03:51 -0800

My wife and I have been married for almost 10 months. She has had a number of cutting epsiodes and last week she tried to commit suicide. After I caught her cutting the first time (about 3 months into the marriage) she agreed to go into therapy and got on Prozac but things have not really gotten better. With things this bad, this early on in the relationship is there really any hope? Here is the situation from the begining. I'm 26, she is 24 she is not pregnant and we do not have any children. She did a very good job hidding the depression while we were dating but in retrospect I should have seen some of the warning signs while we were engaged. After we were married the depression became obvious, with her completely letting herself go, and a manifest loss of interest in everything she used to enjoy (running, painting, etc) sleeping seemed to be the only thing that she enjoy. This started to cause some real friction in the relationship as she refused to see that anything was wrong and blamed me for not being patient enough with her. I cought her cutting her shoulders and refused to let her rationalize it away and insisted that she start seeing a therapist. She got on prozac. first 20mg, then 40mg then 60mg. Everytime she had the dose upgraded she had about a week of "normal" interaction but then is was back to a complete loss of interest. Last week stoped taking her meds, felt fine for a couple fo days and then took about half a bottle of loratabs that we had lying around from a shoulder injury a while back. Not enough to really do her in but still... I called 911 they took her to the ER and gave her a charcoal tube to eat, gave her some crysis councelling and sent her on her way. her doctor has since included 300mg of Wellbutrin to the Prozac and we are seeing a marriage councelor as well as her seeing her personal therapist. She recently moved back in with her parents because she said that I am not being supportive enough of her struggles.
At this point I really dont have a whole lot of faith let for the relationship. For almost a year now I have been miserable and hoping that she will be able to conquer her deamons. But at this point I feel almost ready to cut my losses and get out of the relationshipI feel guilty for having these feelings. I know that this really is not her fault, she didnt ask be have chemical issues in her brain but that does not really help me thorugh the daily misery.
My question is this: is there really any overcomming this kind of problem? I look to the future and I would be devastated if she had another suicide attempt (or heavens forbid a sucessful one) when/if we have children. I don't feel comfortable raising children in a home where thier mother cuts herself to relieve stress. Has anyone dealt with these types of feelings? Any advise?

Playing therapist to parents? Never again.

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 20:32:53 -0800

Imminently divorcing parents, naive and idealistic father, playing therapist to adults - the works. Help me not hate my family! Background: My parents married relatively young with little to no experience in the dating world. By the time they realized how incompatible they were, I was on the way. Over the years, financial strife, settling up in new countries (we've been across three continents) and the arrival of my baby sister have all delayed the inevitable. It will be an amiable split, I think; they're good people, just not for each other.

Caveat: There is a woman. Who is madly in love with my father. When he moves out, she is very likely going to divorce her husband, fly across the ocean with her pre-schooler of a child, and move in with my father. They have never done anything, according to him, but they have exchanged emails, and he claims that she is the sort of woman he could see himself building a family with.

And through it all, he seems to have chosen me as his de facto confidante. I've given him the following reasoning:

1. A new relationship so soon after the split will do the opposite of what he wants - alienate my sister, whom he loves to death.
2. A relationship based on her abandoning her previous life to be with him is founded at its core on obligation - "I threw away my life for you and now you want to end it?!"
3. If he didn't know what he wanted first time round, he's putting too much into his judgment this time round. People don't change.
4. It's completely irresponsible to that lady's child to have its world turned upside down, and I can't possible condone that when my own sister is only in 2nd grade
5. What happened to DATING? Cohabitation seems insane, to my current frame of mind.

Not that I don't want him to be happy. I just don't see how this current situation will lead to that end.

He acknowledges my points, but sent me a length email asking me to try and accept his decision and by extension her. He claims that he prolonged his marriage with my mother out of responsibility and that it's time for true love to transcend responsibility. *cue eye-roll* Which, y'know, fine, since I've gotten so sick of him trying to get me to "accept his decision" anyway that I just want to wash my hands of it. But he's expecting some form of syrupy, "I just want you to be happy despite my being convinced that you're batshitinsane" response when all I really want to do is tell him to shove it. (Except that would make me feel guilty, ungrateful, and like a horrible human being. He's my FATHER. it doesn't matter that I hated being around my family growing up. Family is family.)

How do I gracefully exit this situation without causing even more strife than already present? How do I tell him I'm no longer interested in caring about his decision when his email was full of guilt-tripping, feel-good catchphrases like "I know you care about me and that's why you're upset"? I could try to avoid this until I go back to school in January and am no longer at home, but I get the feeling that won't be the end of it. He's looking to move out May absolute latest.

Is it right to divorce a depressed spouse?

UtterlyDrained — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:17:30 -0800

Is it right to divorce a depressed spouse? My wife hasn't been the happiest person as long as I've known her, and during our seven years of our marriage she's gradually spiraled into increasing depression and anxiety, to the point that she's been fighting back suicidal thoughts on and off over the last year or so. She dearly loves our two daughters (one four years, one nine months) but often has trouble dealing with them by herself for more than an hour without turning into an emotional wreck. This is all rooted in an incredibly poor self-image; she sees every moment of every day as proof that she's fat / stupid / a bad parent / universally disliked / a failure / etc. She has a great life by all objective measures but nonetheless she's miserable. Sometimes she's, well, functional for an afternoon or so, but this is the exception rather than the rule -- for instance, she has too much anxiety to talk on the phone, and can't put our older daughter to bed or finish eating a meal with the family because otherwise she'd end up yelling at the top of her lungs and stressed to the point of tears. She finally sought treatment this year, but after six months, two (well-recommended) therapists, and at least a half-dozen different combinations of medications for depression and anxiety, she felt nothing was working, quit both medication and therapy and is very unlikely to try either again for quite a long time. I'm really the one stable thing for her to lean on, the one healthy thing in her life. But after years of this, I'm drained and miserable. I'd love nothing more than to be able to help her to lead a happy life, but so far have had no success, and what once seemed a limitless future now looks grey and bleak. Would it ever be fair to leave her, or do I have a moral duty to continue to devote myself to supporting my wife and the mother of my children, regardless of what effect that has on my own life (and, possibly, our children's)?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from any of you who've been in a long-term relationship with a depressed person; what did you do, and in hindsight, was it the right decision?

I am not looking on advise for helping my wife out of her depression -- that's an entirely different question, and one for which I'd need to provide a lot more background, and what we've tried and what she's likely to be willing to try.

(More details in the first comment. Apologies for the length -- I want to provide some context, but I've already trimmed any kinds of details or examples. Feel free to skip the rest, or to ask for particular examples to determine if I'm a complete loon or jerk with a biased perspective).

My not-quite divorced brother already has a girlfriend.

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 09:25:45 -0800

My brother's divorce is not quite finalized, but he has already started dating someone new. Should I be OK with this? Things with the new girlfriend got off to a very quick start - it's only been a few weeks and he is already spending all of his time at her place. Outwardly, he seems to have forgotten all about the ex-wife.

I realize now that I should have given him the old, "what the hell do you think you are doing" line, but things happened so fast that I missed my window to do so. He's too deep into his new relationship now, and anything I tell him now will certainly fall on deaf ears.

I'm fairly close to my brother, so I'm willing to be supportive even though I don't totally agree with the way he's handling things. My wife, on the other hand, thinks the whole situation is disgusting. Why is this man dating someone new when he is technically still married? What kind of woman would date a married man?

So here's the problem. My brother keeps trying to get the four of us to hang out, presumably so we can meet his new girlfriend. Understandably, my wife is pretty opposed to this idea.

Do I continue to make excuses for why we can't hang out, or do I be straight with him and tell him how she feels? (My wife would not be thrilled if she were to find out that I told him how she felt).

Should I just say F* it and be happy that my brother has found someone so soon?

When/how to divulge that you're divorced when entering into a new relationship?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 16:05:38 -0800

When/how to divulge that you're divorced when entering into a new relationship? Divorced for a year, back on the scene, dating and whatnot.

What's the best way to bring this up? Obviously, the dating sites all pretty much allow you to designate yourself as "divorced" rather than "single"... but is that really necessary?

I'm in my 30's and presumably, all the girls I'm going out with have had relationships that haven't worked out for one reason or another. Having to announce that up front like that, well.... I don't know how I feel about that at all. I guess my thinking is that "divorced" seems like kind of an arbitrary thing to have to mark oneself with -- almost like a scarlet letter -- given that really, my situation would be no different if I'd just been with the same person for a few years or whatever.

Is that asking for trouble down the road? I want to be open and honest about myself with the people I go out with, but... you know... there are some things I'd rather not discuss 'till I get to know a girl better.

Help me feel more at ease about meeting up with an old flame

FlyByDay — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 12:32:34 -0800

I've re-connected with an old flame, who is now divorced. He's been off-limits for so long, but now wants to come visit me. I'm thrilled. I'm single. But I can't stop worrying that it will somehow fall apart and not happen. Right after college, I came to (big east coast city) for grad school. I met and started dating a guy who was finishing a bachelor’s at music school. I had just gotten my bachelor’s in music and was in grad school for music, so we have this very much in common. Before we met, this guy, D, had already planned to move to (big west coast city) soon after his graduation. We dated for about a year, but during that time I was very drawn to (another musician), who kept me at arm’s length but then admitted he was interested too. Though I loved being with D, at the time, the other guy was more of what I thought I wanted. D wanted me to move with him, but I’d just gotten to the east coast and was in school. The timing was wrong.

D eventually moved to (west coast city), and we saw each other a few times the next few years (and most recently in 2003) and things were as intense as always. He started dating once he moved west (I was still dating other guy, though we eventually broke up), then got married. Outside sources thought the marriage was questionable from the beginning. We kept in touch, and that intensity was still apparent but not acted upon. It should be noted that we’re both still professional musicians. I have had several perfectly nice (but ultimately ended) relationships, but no marriage and no children.

A few years ago, he disappeared. Could not be found, and I tried very hard to find him. His phone #s were disconnected, his website – that listed all of his performances – was gone. I used all my sleuthing skills but couldn’t locate him. Thought of him often. Three weeks ago, he called me. Told me he’d gotten divorced. That in a very short span of time, he lost his wife (divorce), his house, his cat (died), and one of his music directorship jobs. He said that he went deep into depression and had sequestered himself but was coming out of it. He sounded very well.

He said he wanted to come visit me in August. I have been single for quite a while now and have thought of him all this time, but he’s been off limits, so I am very much looking forward to his visiting. We’ve talked several times and he’s assured me that he is absolutely coming, but I don’t think he has tickets yet. He’s made it clear that he is coming only to see me.

So, while we talk periodically, certainly not every day, and that’s fine. More than once, I’ve called or emailed and haven’t gotten a response for several days. He’s a busy musician and I’m busy as well. Things are very intense when we do speak. Yet I find myself VERY unnerved. I can’t really believe that he’s coming until he has tickets, and probably not even then. Because he disappeared for so long (though I understand the reasons). But more importantly, I think, because I fear a phone call like this:

“So…I’m really sorry, but I just started seeing someone and I don’t think it’d be fair to you for me to come visit. Sorry about that!”

...and then he’ll disappear again. And honestly, that would/will be very difficult for me. I think this is partially the result of having heard so many men say (and some women will confirm this about men) say that as soon as a man knows that a woman is interested in him, he is no longer interested. That it’s all about the chase. But I’ve gone with my gut. I don’t play games and I’m not playing them here. He knows I’m excited about his visit, and he says he is too. But if this “thrill of the chase” clause applies to all men, it’s bound to implode before he gets here.

Caveats – I’m 41, very savvy, not twisted up by insecurities but very much interested in dating again; I clearly understand that he’s coming out of a divorce and that we are in different places; there are no “biological clock” issues pressing here; I very much miss sex – it’s been too long.

I guess I’m just asking how best to process this. Should I expect that he isn’t coming and just be surprised if he does? Should I tell him my concerns?

Any input would be appreciated. If you’ve read all the way through – a gold star for you!

Can I handcuff this guy to the gate?

j_gd00 — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 15:22:29 -0800

Help me turn in a deadbeat dad. The Background:
My cousin and best friend married a man who went into the Army. He has not supported their three children in any way whatsoever. He fritters away all their money and takes out further payday loans without telling her, making her take a night job (putting her very premature infant into daycare) to keep the gas and water on. He has an expensive car which he updates with new rims or something else every weekend. She has none. He will only watch the kids if they are fed, changed, and she will be back in an hour. He has only done so a few times. He has cheated on her with nine girls (that she knows of). There are more than ample grounds for divorce here, but she has no money for the process. She is pretty meek and only worked up the courage to leave him six months ago. Since then, nothing has changed but the following. He is currently AWOL, has moved to a nearby town, works off the books for cash for construction companies, and is living with his current girlfriend while she lives on her own. He pops over unannounced and wheedles at her to take him back occasionally. Last time he drove over, it was in his girlfriend's truck, yet he still had the stones to ask her to come back. He will not interact with the kids. They are 3 years, 20 months and 9 weeks old. Thankfully, they do not care if he is there or not since they essentially do not know who he is. The point of all this is; he does not care, will not change, and plans to live this way indefinitely.

The Questions:
Can I turn him in and how? Is there a cheaper way to get a divorce? How can child support be collected when there is no record of him? If he were hogtied and driven to a military base and left at the gate, would that be a citizen's arrest or a kidnapping?(Only half joking. My husband(also military) would gladly carry out this plan if it were feasible. We wouldn't cross state lines.)

The Needed Facts:
Both of them lived in Texas and are now in Missouri. She says he is AWOL, but he could be a deserter. She also loathes him now and would like him to be turned in. He has no paycheck to be garnished since his pay is suspended. The military police have been called and given his address to no effect. He also has an outstanding vehicle citation of some sort which could possibly interest the civilian police force. The reason for turning him in would be to prosecute him for lack of child support and to hopefully force him to take care of his children and possibly pay for a divorce.
Be kind please. I know absolutely nothing about legal-ese and have probably used the wrong wording the entire question.

When is the right time to tell a woman how I feel about her?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 08:10:51 -0800

RelationshipFilter: How long after a divorce should I wait to declare my feelings to another woman? Should I say anything at all? Ever? I am a young (23) graduate student. I am currently in the process of ending a 1.5 year marriage. The marriage has been disintegrating for some time now, and I ended up moving out in January. I have seen an attorney and have the paperwork needed to file for divorce, but I haven't filled it out yet. I definitely plan on doing so in the near future. Without going into too much detail, I'll say that the marriage is ending due to emotional abuse and my growing awareness that it was unhealthy to me and things were never going to change. I've been going to counseling for a few months now to help learn why I put up with this sort of unhealthy relationship for so long. I feel like it's going well.

Now, for the good news: I've met a girl. We sit next to one another in a class, so we see each other every day. Over the course of the semester, I've really started to have feelings for her. She is brilliant, friendly, compassionate, intriguing, etc. She is a fundamentally decent person who cares about the same issues I do and has done real work to help others in need. She knows a ton about film and loves to watch movies, which is really important to me. We also share other interests.

I really like this girl a lot and I have tried, over the course of the semester, to spend more time with her. We've gone to see a couple movies (with a group the first time, by ourselves the second time) and have gone out to lunch a couple times. It's a little hard to get her to do things, because we're both consumed by schoolwork and she's extremely studious. She has declined many offers from me, but always for real reasons; i.e., I don't think she's blowing me off for no reason. When we get together she seems to really enjoy the company and conversation. I just asked her out for coffee tomorrow night, and she seemed really into it. I'm terrible at reading women, though, and I have no idea if she thinks of me in the same way I think about her. It's probably safe to say that she doesn't.

So. I'd really like to develop a relationship with this girl. My friends, family, and counselor all think that she sounds like a great person in general and a great person for me. (They're divided on the question I'm about to ask.)

There are six weeks left in the semester. We are spending our summers on opposite ends of the country, but will return to school in August. So I've been trying to develop the friendship this semester, in an attempt to leave it in such a way that allows us to pick it up when we move back in August. That's been the plan, anyway.

But lately, I've really begun feeling like I should tell her how I feel about her. The thought of leaving the question open throughout the summer isn't appealing to me. I'd like to say something like: "I think you're really great and I enjoy spending time with you. I think I'm beginning to develop feelings for you, and I want to know if it's okay to have these feelings until we meet again next semester." If she says yes, then I know we can resume the development of the friendship in August. If she says no, then I can try to stop thinking about her so much until then. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm tired of having these feelings for her without her knowing that I do.

Some worries:
--I'm worried that my marriage situation will scare her off. I'm technically not divorced yet, and even if I were, it may be too soon. (I think the paperwork will probably take a few months, but I hope for it to be over by July or August.) I should make clear two things: First, the marriage is over. There is no hope of reconciliation and I feel like I have moved on. Second, I made sure to tell the new girl about the divorce back in January. So it's not like it's a surprise to her.
--I'm worried that telling her all this may ruin the great friendship that we've developed so far.
--I'm worried that the small class sizes of graduate school will make it uncomfortable if I tell her all this and she rejects me. (Upperclass students told us during orientation to never date fellow students.) The school is big enough that you can generally avoid people, but small enough that you're bound to run in to them at some point in the next two years.

So what should I do? Should I say something to her? If I do say something, how do I say it to minimize creepiness and awkwardness? Any suggestions or encouragement would be appreciated. Please send personal correspondence to askmefi99@yahoo.com. Thanks in advance.

How do I best get acquainted with my boyfriend's kids?

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 13:08:49 -0800

How do I best get acquainted, and develop a good relationship, with my boyfriends' kids? The initial question glosses over the important particulars, as initial questions often do. Oh gods of brevity, I meekly request your grace:

We've been dating long-distance on-and-off since June, but we've known each other for over two years, through work (He was, um, my boss at my college work-study job). Because of the awkward work situation, we didn't start dating (or even confess our feelings) till I'd almost graduated and wasn't working with him anymore.

Unfortunately, I was already pretty committed to moving halfway across the country at that point, and neither of us felt comfortable with me giving that up for a nascent relationship. So I went, and after some minor bumbling at first, we're still together and it's lovely and the more I learn about him, the luckier I feel.

But we know the long-distance thing won't work long-term, so I'm moving back to the area in a few weeks. I want to make sure I'm going about this as wisely and responsibly as possible.

Here's the practical breakdown: I'm 23, and this is my first serious relationship. He's 33 and divorced, with primary custody of his two children (9 and 7). He has a reasonably civil relationship with his ex-wife, who gets the kids every other weekend. He's a good dad who loves his children to death.

Our initial plan was to have me rent a small apartment in walking distance of his house, but the available ones are a bit out of my price range. Plan B is to have me look for a cheaper apartment farther away and spend the difference on buying a car, which I'll need at some point anyway. We toyed with the idea of me moving into his house but decided that'd be really hard on the kids.

I'll be moving away in six or seven months to start school, so we'll have to reassess the situation then. If we decide we're in this for the long haul, they might come with me. But we want to be absolutely sure before uprooting them like that (and risking things getting ugly with their mom - he's avoided a court battle till now because of how it might affect the kids, even though she's never paid child support.).

Basically, we're trying to tread carefully over these practical quagmires, and to that end, I'd like the input of the hive mind. From what he's told me, his kids seem lovely - brilliant, funny, mature, and well-adjusted. I never thought I'd end up with a guy who has children, but I've gotten used to, even excited about, the idea, and it's important to me that this be a positive experience for them. For what it's worth, I'm his second serious girlfriend since the divorce (which was 4-5 years ago), and they seemed to accept her a lot more readily than he worried they would.

So: how should I introduce myself into their lives? I guess I'm just looking for general advice, particularly from children of divorced parents, and those who have dated divorced parents. (As a side question, would it be a very bad idea to move in with them before we're engaged? I think I know the answer to that one, but I'll ask just in case I'm being overly cautious.) I'll possibly get a sock-puppet account to answer any questions, or e-mail jessamyn.

(oh, and we'd both want more children of our own, but since I'm going back to school, it wouldn't happen for several years.)