Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and distance

Do I tell my ex how I feel?

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 18:33:02 -0800

My ex-boyfriend is moving out of the state and things feel unresolved. I don't want to regret not expressing my thoughts, but am worried my unloading on him pre-move is unfair. He broke up with me a year ago (after being together for over three) and while we both dated other people afterwards (me much more seriously than him), there's still a lot of things that were never worked out in terms of what happened. At the time, we were on a short break, in which I moved out. After a couple of weeks, he couldn't do it anymore but wasn't ready to get back together either, so he broke up with me. We've talked and seen one another about half a dozen times and email occasionally. He admits he still loves me.

We are one another's first loves. I'm 30, he's 29. I'm not sure if I just don't know how to deal with being broken up with when I'm still in love with that person, or if I should be making a last ditch effort to see if it could work.

The biggest problem is that he's moving very soon and could potentially start dating a girl he's been talking to that lives where he's going. (He told me about her, though seemed to come up with excuses that made it sound pretty casual). He's also said many times that he'd most likely not be out there more than a year.

I'm at a loss. I don't know if I should keep my mouth shut or spill my guts. I accept that he's leaving, I guess I just want to know if we have a chance sometime in the future.

Please make me a better letter writer!

SkylitDrawl — Sat, 16 May 2009 20:02:04 -0800

My partner and I have broken up because of a move but have decided to correspond with one another through handwritten letters. Please help me be a better letter writer! For the first time in my life, I am sending handwritten letters through the mail. My partner is graduating from the school we attend together and is moving across the state from me for work. Neither of us really dig the idea of committed long distance relationships, so we have decided to break up. In a year, I may move to join him in the city he will be working in, but I don't really know for sure. I feel like a year is a really long time, and I know that a lot could change in that time. However, in the year between now and then, we intend to correspond with each other via handwritten letters. Neither of us are fans of the phone, IMing seems very ordinary and like what simple friends would do. We both love to receive mail but never get letters and it seems like a very romantic idea, so we've gone for it wholeheartedly.

Despite the break up and the move, I still really care very deeply for this man. I think he cares similarly for me. These letters are the main way that I communicate with him now, so making sure they are of high quality is important to me. I tend to send him a letter per week and letter writing has been very fun for me so far. However, I can't help but think that I could make these letters and packages a little... better? More interesting? His letters come with fantastic doodles in the margins. I can't draw anything beyond stick figures, so similar doodling is out. What sort of fun items can I include in my letters and packages that would make them feel more heartfelt or interesting? What I'm thinking of is along the lines of suggestions of fun, simple items that I could find in the course of my weekly life, or really cheap things that I could buy over the Internet (little things off etsy could work here - vintage postcards, maybe?) that I could include in my letters to make him smile and perhaps keep me in his memory throughout the day. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Also, I have heard that it is possible to create a wax seal out of crayons. I have lots of old crayons in almost every color imaginable and I know he would get a real kick out of a handmade crayon wax seal. Does anyone know how to do this? Help would be much appreciated.

Taking a "break".

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 07:22:05 -0800

[relationship filter] How to manage a "break"/"open relationship"? I met my girlfriend during senior year in college (fall of '07) while she was a sophomore. For both of us, it was our first serious relationship--I was a virgin before we met, and she had only been with a few guys before (but never in any sort of established relationship). After I graduated, she spent the summer in my home city (summer '08, in a separate apartment)--it was great, we spent nearly every evening together after working our separate jobs, and spent the weekends showing her around my hometown.

At the end of the summer, we decided we would try out a long-distance arrangement, as I was entering law school in a town about 1000 miles away from my alma mater where she would still be a junior. We managed to see each other about every 5 weeks after august of this past year. It was obviously frustrating at times since we remained exclusive, but we both felt committed enough to want to keep our relationship going. For me, this arrangement was great, as I had little time away from the books and didn't need the distraction of being single and on the prowl.

We spent last week together in her hometown, and decided at the end to take "a break". She's going abroad to europe, while I'll be in my second semester of law school. At this point, neither of us is prepared to get married, but we've also sort of hit a brick wall as far as commitment. Everything about our relationship works great--we've never had a fight in our 13 months together, we have great chemistry, same values, enjoy each other's families--we very easily could be a happily married couple one day. The only problem is our geographic separation for the next few years (unless i transfer law schools for next fall) and the fact that she's still in college, while I'm buckling down in law school.

I want her to have a full experience abroad without feeling tied down. She knows that I've had some minor issues with the (small) discrepancy in our previous sexual partners--my 0 to her 2 or 3. We mutually agreed on taking this break--we both came into the conversation with simmilar ideas--but both are uncomfortable with its implications despite the fact that we both feel its what's best for now. Given our relative inexperience in relationships, our age and our respective places in life, neither of us feels ready for marriage. We both agree that we need this space as an opportunity to figure out what it is we want moving forward.

Are we making the right decision here in giving each other some space given our circumstances? We both are very much still in love with each other, but feel unable to move forward. We both intend on keeping in close communication while she's abroad, but will operate under a "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding whatever we're doing outside of our relationship. We can see each other at the end of may at the earliest if we intend to keep things going, but will not likely be able to spend the summer together (I'll likely be working again in my home city, she's understandably reluctant to return for a second summer in my city wanting to be back in her own). After that, I can try transferring in the fall to my undergrad alma mater's law school, but this is in no way a for sure option.

can we make this work?

Long distance marriage troubles

midwestguy — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 12:31:21 -0800

My long distance marriage is starting to crumble. I don't know what to do. Any comments would be of assistance. Long story inside Ok, let me try to boil this down to the essentials. I'm 42. I got divorced, and then remarried to a woman I had met online. She lives half the country away from me (i'm in the midwest, she is on the west coast). Prior to the marriage, the plan was that she would live with me from spring to fall, and when it got cold out, she would stay with family out west. She has never lived in the cold, and doesn't want to start now. The length of time she has stayed with me has varied, and this past summer she stayed with me for two months (that is the longest in 6 years worth of dating and marriage). I can't move west becasue I have two children in middle school/elementary, and I don't feel like I could be a father to them from that distance. My wife works part time, while in California. I work full time.

She has said on many occasions that she doesn't think I take care of her enough, and that she feels like she rates below my kids, since I live near them, and not near her. She has one son of her own that lives in the same state as I am in, but she is not close to him (he lives with her ex). I'd love to take care of her, but since she won't come live with me, it is difficult to do from a distance. I call her several times a day, and we talk for several hours each night. I stay up late to talk to her in the evening.

I fly out to see her every month to 6 weeks when she is not staying with me (about 9 times a year). A typical stay is 3-5 days. This is pretty much the limit of how much time I can take off and is all (and then some) that my budget can afford.

Last night, things kind of hit the fan. She is in a stressful situation with the health of some family members. When I talked to her last night, she was clearly spoiling for a fight, and was working at pushing my buttons (example: she said she feels alone, and I told her I did too, and that I missed her very much. she answered that I seemed to be just fine).

As things progressed, I told her that I felt she was starting to be insulting (she says things like "while she was here, the only thing she liked at all in two months was seeing me", and that she hates having my kids around as much as they are).

I said I was sorry she had so much hate for here, and for my kids, etc. Her reply was that she didn't hate my kids, she hated me with my kids. I was very offended and told her to Fuck off and hung up the phone. Not a very mature response to be sure, but this has come up many times before. She thinks a dad should not be active in his kids' life, and that seeing them at Xmas and in the summer would be enough (and that I should live out west and visit them that way).

She followed up with an email saying "how dare I be so cold when she is stressed out over her family members health, and a real man would be taking care of his wife".

To sum up a long long sordid tale, the smart, funny, beautiful woman I married and whom I love very much is full of anger because I won't move away from my kids. she won't move away from warm weather (and likes to be near her folks). The stress over time is shaking us apart. Please, me-fites, I could really use some advice.

Summer of Love, Autumn of Love? Never of Love?

curagea — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 21:33:39 -0800

Love, intimacy, sexual frustration, distance, inaction... help me deal with the complexities of it all. Bear with me, this will be long.

I met him a full three months ago, and two days later we were cuddling up, tickling toes, and bonding over Rock Band (oh yes, we are such geeks ^_^). He is sweet and quirky, matching up with my quirkiness, and I never had any trouble being ME around him (complicated subject, but I'll save it for another day). We sneak pokes, hugs and cheek nuzzles - all those lovely things. It just clicked. It just did.

As this is the first man who ever returned my feelings, I was completely overwhelmed with this affection. Dreamed about him (strange dreams they were), thought about him, can't stop thinking about how warm he is when he holds me or kisses me... all those things are so new to me. I grew up in a family that was (and is) less than loving, and was anti-social for the most part, so I never really had much interpersonal contact with people, much less physical. So when he came along and showed me love, it hit me like a flood. In fact, I cried for a couple of nights after that first night of cuddling because I was so overwhelmed I couldn't hold my emotions in. Yeah, I became obsessed with him, thinking in a fantastical way.

Alas, all good things must end, or at least become problematic.

He is moving back to Sacramento; I still have a year left in Berkeley. Some weeks ago, he told me this: "I don't want you to think that I'm looking for a serious relationship, because I'm going to be moving away, and it's highly unlikely I'll be here in the fall." Since then, I haven't been able to sleep well, thinking too much about the inevitable (having an overactive imagination doesn't help in this case) and feeling less than energetic during daytime. I blamed myself for setting up my fantasies as though they were realities, and lying to myself about the reality of it all. And worse, there still persists a feeling that not everything has been told, that there is still more to discover and understand, and if we broke bonds because of naive misunderstanding... I can't really tolerate brokens bonds through misunderstanding.

To make matters worse, since the last time we made out, my sex drive had flared up and stayed up. I confess: there were many times I wanted to just grab him and tear off his pants. But I kept these desires to myself and tried to suppress them, because to force someone into that kind of situation is against my morals and perhaps his. We never slept together, by the way.

To make matters even worse, I've become quite clingy to him. I stayed nights at his place often, telling him that my room is boring (it is, compared to his place), but really I just wanted to be with him for a little longer. Everytime I hug him, I have to tear myself away to go home. My rational mind keeps telling me that such behavior is childish and selfish, though he never said anything against my clingy actions.

To this day, we still are poking each other and giving surprise kisses. He never said those three words, but I can read it in his body language - I never said them because of a belief that the guy should say it first (don't ask). But when I think of that day he will move back to Sacramento, and my chances of seeing him going sharply downhill (too used to just walking five minutes to his place for a movie and/or Rock Band), it tears me up. The general advice I've heard is "don't worry, you'll find someone who can be with you", "hey, shit happens. Don't think about it too much", etc. But CAN it work out? CAN he and I work something out? Is it possible?

Help a love-newbie, HiveMind. DTMFA or work it out, or something else? And how the hell do I suppress my sexual urges and stop being so clingy when he's an inch away from me, or no inches at all?

I'm needy--help! (pun intended)

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:21:11 -0800

I'm needy--help! (pun intended) Something that pushes my buttons is the feeling that I am being ignored. For instance, I have a really hard time waiting for someone to contact me when we are dating, and I get upset if I call or text message someone and don't hear from them. This makes me act all sorts of insecure.

I could go into a deep psychological interpretation for why this happens (there are reasons) but I would rather just learn to grow up. If I can't learn how to feel less needy, how can I act less needy? What are tricks for distracting yourself when you're obsessing about why he didn't call? How can you stop yourself from sending a text message or email to check in when you shouldn't do it?

I seem to have a lot of difficulty with modern forms of communication (cell phones, instant messenger, text messages, etc.) because when you know the person has received your communication but hasn't responded it feels like they are ignoring you. This makes me incredibly anxious. I really wish I could be more independent.

Jack and Jill

ASM — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 18:08:28 -0800

Yet another RelationshipFilter: This is the story of Jack and Jill... Sorry for this long-winded question/plea for advice…I have tried to make the following description as neutral as possible.

Jack and Jill have been dating since their senior year of high school. Through random happenings both Jack and Jill ended up at the same university and spent 4 years together. While the relationship in college was by no means spectacular things worked out. Jack was an ass but managed to clean up his act by the end. Jill was unsure of the relationship but kept with it.

After graduating college Jack was offered a position at a prestigious university over-seas for a master’s program. Jack accepted. Jill was understandably unhappy about this decision and wanted to end the relationship, which happened to some degree. Jack left the country but the two kept in touch visiting each other every few months. Jack finished his program and moved back the US to be with Jill. In that time, Jill entered a master’s program of her own.

Since returning to the US things between Jack and Jill have been amazing. Better than they have ever been.

Jack has been home since last October but has had little luck finding a job in his field where both Jack and Jill live. Jack has exploited every option possible to find a job within his field at home for the last 6 months. In October, before realizing he wanted to stay home with Jill, Jack sent several resumes/cover letters to companies across the country. Now 6 months later, with little luck at home, Jack has quite randomly been offered a job in his field - across the country.

Jack and Jill are again at crossroads.

Jill refuses to stay with Jack if he leaves again. Jill thinks this is a selfish move. Jack feels that he has no other options in regards to finding employment within the field of his choosing. In Jack’s eyes this is a temporary situation until he can get the necessary experience to find the right job for him at home. In Jill's eyes this move shows a lack of dedication to the relationship and her emotions. Jack wants to make things work offering to fly home as often as possible and flying Jill to him whenever possible. Jill sees this as a deal breaker; Jack thinks this is a small bump in the road that shouldn't effect the end outcome of the relationship. Jill was hurt by the first move and is afraid of being hurt due to being in different cities.

Jill cannot move with Jack as she is 1 year into a 2 year program and has expressed little interest in living in the city Jack has been offered a job.

FWIW:
– Jack and Jill have touched (not gone in depth) on the subject of marriage – things looked good until now.
- Both Jack and Jill are close in age - mid-twenties.

Should Jack and Jill try to make things work? Is Jack being selfish for not staying home? Is Jill being unreasonable in not agreeing that this is merely a temporary situation in the big scheme of things?

AskMeFi – help, please!

Should I talk to my boyfriend about me leaving, or ignore the situation?

trampesque — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 03:53:41 -0800

Should I talk to my boyfriend about me leaving, or ignore the situation? My boyfriend and I got together around November, both aware of the fact that at the end of August, I'm moving a 5 and 1/2 hour rail journey away until next summer (long story, it's not really relevant why I'm going, I just want to make it clear that it's not something that can be changed, nor is he coming with me - that's not an option. However, I AM moving back here afterwards, so we'll be in the same town [Southampton, not that it matters] again).

So, I'm not asking HOW it's going to work or what we should do about it. What I'm asking is, SHOULD I TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT? Because we have not, as yet, had the conversation. To be frank, I am terrified he's going to say he doesn't want to do the long distance thing, so I avoid the conversation with all my strength. There have been numerous occasions when I've thought about talking to him, but when it comes down to it I'm too scared, because I feel it's better to be ignorant about it now and not know what's going on than to be told "this is only going to last another 5 months", which would absolutely break my heart and I believe that, to save pain later on, I'd have to end this relationship NOW.

It's definitely a very stable, happy, fantastic relationship, for both of us. He's already asked me to go away with him in the summer, we're both doing the 'meet the parents' thing in the next few months, we have a brilliant connection on ALL levels (for a start, the sex is unbelieveable, for both of us), and we have both said on many occasions that we've found something really VERY great. And I know 5 months is a long time and we could feel differently, but I really don't see that we will. So when I think about it like this, I think, he won't break up with me just because I'm moving away for a bit. But then there's the lingering worry that he just might.

So there's all that, all I want to know is, is it better to just try and enjoy the next few months and not raise the subject (even though it's always in the back of my mind), or talk to him about it now to get some reassurance either way?

My fiance and I have iChat AV cameras on Powerbooks. Can we work around blocked 16384-16403 ports to chat anyway?

garethspor — Fri, 06 Aug 2004 11:02:14 -0800

OK, so my fiance just started med school 2000+ miles away from where I live. To stay in touch and keep our phone bills reasonable, we both got iChat AV cameras for our powerbooks. However, the neccesary ports (16384 to 16403) are not open on her school network. We contacted her IT department and a week later, the guy told her that he couldn't open those ports for security/bandwidth issues, leaving us high and dry. So, what would folks suggest we do in this situation? Is it really a security issue or just bandwidth? Are there any workarounds?